Work Text:
Today has been exhausting. There are plenty of deadlines she should meet before the month ends, and there’s been a lot of revision to work on for her next novel. She wishes her editor wasn’t so strict, but she does all of that for her sake, and she understands that.
But right now, all she needs is to sleep. Even though she’s been living a decent life right now, Shizuku often feels so drained after work, and she finds herself craving for space where she can be truly alone: that is, her own room. Nighttime is usually when she has plenty of inspiration, but right now, she’s too exhausted to think of any, so she’d rather sleep.
Shizuku can already feel sleepiness catching up immediately after she lays her head on the pillow and with herself properly tucked in. She looks over to the table, to where she places a photo of her and Kaori, framed neatly. She forms a thin smile as sleepiness has finally completely caught on her.
Shizuku can feel herself falling downwards, into the deep slumber, into the deep abyss, away from reality, away from the world she lives in. And when she opens her eyes, she’s in another, happier world. A flowerbed blooming with forget-me-nots, which is silly, because it’s not like Shizuku will ever forget her. After all, she’s still the only one she loves.
Kaori is there, smiling at her, with the ring she has shown to Kaori’s grave worn on her left pinky finger.
She looks the same as she remembers, without all the illness. It’s as if the Kaori from the novel she wrote for her jumped out of it and manifested herself in Shizuku’s dream. She knows this is her place to escape, and the Kaori standing before her isn’t real. This is all just her imagination every time she closes her eyes, and will be gone once she opens them, but it’s fine.
Kaori is here, and that’s all that matters.
And every time Shizuku even thinks of sleeping forever so she can always be with Kaori, the brown-haired girl—who’s now much shorter than she was—places her finger on her lips, stopping her from stating Shizuku’s wish to be together with Kaori.
Shizuku knows that. It was written in Kaori’s will, as part of her final, selfish request. Kaori would never want Shizuku to go after her. Shizuku also remembered how anguished Kaori was when she found out that Shizuku wanted to end her life after she finished the novel that Kaori ended up reading. Shizuku knows that just having the intention to take her own life would make Kaori sad, wherever she is.
Old habits die hard, though, as they said.
In the end, the intention to take her own life, the desire to be with Kaori again, to not be separated anymore, never completely disappears from her. It never is, it always stays there, deep in Shizuku’s heart.
Perhaps that’s why Shizuku finds solace in times when she can close her eyes like this.
Because only when she does so, can she be with Kaori, in a happier world where there’s only two of them, as a real couple.
She never says it out loud in consideration to Kaori, but deep down, Shizuku is looking forward to the time when she can finally close her eyes forever.
Only then, can she be happy, and be together with Kaori again, who always appears with her sweet, cheerful smile and outgoing attitude that Shizuku always loves and misses so, so dearly.
Shizuku is looking forward to the time when she will, finally, never wake up.