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Ernie once asked Lucy why she struggled to trust people, she didn’t want to get into her family history-so Lucy made a joke and gave him a light punch before walking away. But the words lingered with her for days after, he wasn’t the first person to hurl that question at her and he wouldn’t be the last. Still, Lucy found herself lying in bed, the same way she had every other time, asking herself why she couldn’t just get over her trust issues.
Lucy wasn’t always like this, she used to trust without thought until she was burned by her own family. There had been little things at first, like the promise of good behavior being rewarded but it never was. The bigger things like being told her grandfather was fine only for him to die the next day, Lucy was still a child and as she got older, she chalked it up to her parents trying to protect her.
Then her trust was truly broken for the first time. She was sixteen and had begun to date Marcella, she hadn’t come out to her parents yet but deep in her guts she felt they knew. One night after being with Marcella for six month, Lucy’s older sister Jada had been up when the youngest Tara got home. Jada questioned her whereabouts; it had been innocent and came from a place of protection. Jada and Lucy were close in age, just a couple of years apart. Lucy always considered Jada her best friend…and so after a wonderful night with her girlfriend the young Tara deiced this was the right moment to come out to her sister.
Jada wasn’t surprised, saying she had a feeling and that it didn’t change anything. Lucy almost sobbed at how loving her sister’s reaction was, they hugged and then Jada made her dish about Marcella and Lucy was happy to gush about her girlfriend. When their evening came to an end Lucy, with a voice trembling with fear, asked Jada to keep her coming out to herself. Jada promised her baby sister she would.
About three more months had passed, at dinner with her family for her mother’s birthday is when Lucy learned how easy it was to break trust. Jada had been pissed with Lucy over something small, so insignificant that Lucy can’t even recall what started their disagreement that morning, but it had boiled on into that evening. Jada had spent the entirety of the dinner throwing insults at Lucy, the younger Tara finally threw one back and it struck a nerve.
Jada pushed up from her seat, she glared at Lucy with balled fists…Lucy guessed what was coming a second too late. “Lucy’s gay, she’s been dating Marcella!”
Lucy watched in silence as Jada realized what she had just done, Lucy shook her head and looked away from mirrored hazel eyes. Then around them chaos broke out, their parents screamed at Lucy, their brothers tried to speak over them. All Lucy could hear was her own heart shattering. From that moment on, she never trusted fully. Everything changed.
This trip down memory lane wasn’t a random one, she was here because of a playful question by Whistler, one that turned their fun energy into a heavy one. They we having a great morning getting ready together, Lucy in a forest green t-shirt and dark jeans and Kate in a white button down tucked into cream trousers; the couple had been chatting about grabbing dinner tonight, Lucy was joking that Kate better be on time and the blond asked:
“Don’t you trust me?” She asked it with a smile, her back to Lucy. Kate slung her bag and rotated to the smaller woman, face dropping when she saw the look on her love’s face.
The vibe in the room changed, but the silence gave the FBI agent the answer to a question she wasn’t truly asking.
Lucy cleared her throat, taking a small step closer. “Kate…” The brunette started but she didn’t actually know what to say.
“It’s okay” Kate shook her a head, her voice thick with emotions. “I get it, don’t worry about it” Lucy watched the tears build in the taller woman’s eyes but Kate fought them back.
“Kate” Lucy reached for her hands; Whistler didn’t stop her. “I’m-“ Her phone alerting her of a text made Lucy sigh, she quickly reached for it and saw NCIS had a case. Perfect timing.
“Go” Kate leaned in and pressed a kiss to Lucy’s cheek. “Be safe”
“I want to talk” The NCIS agent didn’t move away from Kate. “Lets just come to your place after work and talk, please”
“Sure, Luce” Kate stepped aside with a broken smile, she was trying her best to keep it together.
One Lucy was out of her apartment; Kate sagged back against the nearest wall and let the tears slip. She wasn’t mad at Lucy, her actions had been the direct cause for the lack of trust, but it hurt to know that the love of her life didn’t trust her. They had gotten back together just over five months ago, Kate thought they had worked through this, thought she had proven that Lucy could trust her. She was wrong.
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Later that evening Kate was sitting on the balcony, glass of white wine half way finished. The blond was leaning back; one leg crossed over the other as she listened to the ocean crash. She had changed from her professional outfit to a much more comfortable pair of black sweats and blue tank top. Kate reached for her wine glass, taking a long sip, she was waiting for Lucy to knock at her door. The younger woman had texted a little while ago to say she was on her way.
If Whistler was being honest, she was scared about this talk. She knew things had to be different this time, the made that promise when they got back together, but that didn’t mean Kate was ready for a conversation this big. She wasn’t ready for Lucy to say the words “I don’t trust you”, her heart couldn’t take it.
The soft knocking broke Kate out of her thoughts, she finished off the wine and headed inside. Kate took a moment to put the glass down and to take a deep breath, she moved to the door and pulled it open.
“Hey” Kate’s words were a whisper, a small tremble in the single word.
“Hi darling” Lucy stepped inside, letting the door close behind her. The brunette pushed up on her tip toes and let their lips brush together. “How are you?”
They hadn’t crossed paths today, a rare occurrence but one Kate was grateful for. “I’m fine” Kate forced a smile, ushering Lucy further into the apartment.
“Okay” Lucy placed her bag down and reached for Kate’s hands. “I’m not dragging this out on purpose, can we sit?”
“Please” Kate gestured to the dining room. “Want a drink?” Kate would need one for this conversation.
“Sure” Lucy watched as the blond moved around in silence, grabbing a tumbler and pouring some whiskey for Lucy before pouring a glass of wine for herself. She knew her girl was nervous and Lucy felt the same, this was a big moment in their relationship. “Thank you” She reached for the glass and took a sip.
“Listen” Kate started before Lucy had a chance. “I just need you to know that I understand why its hard for you to trust me” Whistler’s voice broke and Lucy felt the crack in her own heart. “A lot of work needs to be put in before you feel comfortable with me again, I promise I will work at it, Lucy”
“Kate” The brunette placed both her hands over Kate’s, she thought over her words and let out a sigh. “My whole life people have always given me reason to be so untrusting, my family…” She shook her head, a small smile turning up the corner of her lips when Kate turned her hand to hold Lucy’s. “My high school girlfriend promised me the distance could work, then she dumped me after just a month. I had a boss that I thought I could trust and open up to, he threw me under the bus the first-time shit hit the fan”
“Luce” Kate squeezed the hand in hers, sympathy flowing out of her voice.
“And I know we’ve talked about Cara; I’m not trying to rehash that. But yeah, it hurt to have my trust broken by you” Lucy saw the tears build up in Kate’s eyes. “That’s not what this morning was about”
Whistler arched an eyebrow. “What?” She cleared her throat.
“When you asked me if I could trust you, I wanted to answer yes” Lucy let out a wet chuckle, her own emotions getting the best of her, she separated their hands to take a quick sip of her drink. “Because I do, Kate, and honestly it scared the shit out of me”
The words lifted a weight off Kate’s shoulders; she lifted the hand in hers and pressed a kiss to Lucy’s knuckles. “Trusting someone fully is a big step”
“It’s not just that” Lucy shook her head. “I didn’t realize when all my walls fell and I became comfortable; it’s a great thing” The brunette quickly reassured her girlfriend. “But it scares me that it’s this easy, means my heart is fully in…this…”
“Luce” Kate shifted her chair closer to Lucy; she let go of the smaller hands and wrapped her arm around Lucy’s shoulder. “I’m in this too, baby, both feet planted in the deep end”
“I know” Lucy connected their foreheads. “But trusting you means I’m exposed to heartbreak, and I’m so scared I won’t survive that kind of hurt again”
Kate pulled back, placed a kiss on Lucy’s forehead before leaning in again. “Your trust is not misplaced in me, I promise”
Lucy didn’t realize she was crying until the tears slipped down her cheeks, her breath hitched. “I trust you, Kate”
Whistler lightly brushed her tears away. “Thank you” She leaned in to connect their lips in a deep kiss.
Lucy spent the bulk of life being proven right not to trust people around her, she played her cards close to the chest and guarded her heart. Then she met Kate and her found family and everything changed, she could be open and could love without fear. Most of all she could let herself be loved fully again, it was a beautiful feeling.