Chapter Text
The invitation letter sits in front of him with such dread.
He has been waiting for this moment. The very moment he knew he never had the chance to grasp for the star. He knew his hopes were just a wish upon a star that will never come. This was never his story.
That there is no happy ending in his own story.
“This is our wedding invitation to you, Seungmin,” Felix says, wearing his pastel sweater in this cool season. His blonde long hair dancing around the air with each wind blow. His freckle, decorating his gorgeous face as if they need more help. His smile, those white pearls, further perfecting his feature, showing his feelings right now. His happiness. His blessing.
His marriage with Hyunjin.
Hwang Hyunjin.
The guy who is sitting in front of him right now, looking anywhere but him like he is a medusa that could turn him into stone when Hyunjin makes eye contact with Seungmin. His short black hair suits him. And those dark jackets complementing his tall board figure. Any clothes will be lucky to be worn by him. Nothing would make him ugly, even if he wears a potato sack.
That is why they are perfect for each other. Visual with visual. A diamond deserves each other to make a gorgeous accessory. Anyone living in this romance fantasy would be smiling everyday, as they have already fulfilled their whole life.
But the face he wears right now did not show the same enthusiasm as his fiancee. In matter of fact, there is no emotion is given. Not a single feeling could be traced. Well it is not that Seungmin could know of. If you ask past Seungmin, he could easily tell you what Hyunjin is feeling right now. But present Seungmin has not talked to him for months.
They have cut contact completely 2 years ago. There is no fight nor argument. It is just a friendship waiting for its end.
Which surprised Seungmin more when Hyunjin himself reached out to him in the first place. He never did that for the past 2 years. Why now?
In his heart, he is hoping for a casual meeting at the cafe. Just two best friends catching up after long lost contact. Nothing more or nothing less. What a dream that was. Nothing could prepare him for an invitation to a wedding. Their happy wedding. Because of course Hyunjin reached out in the first place. That is the only reason.
Not to reconnect back a severed 4 years friendship.
“We just think that maybe you could come to our wedding rehearsal,” Felix adds to continue the conversation. Since no one has been saying anything except him until now. Even his future husband hasn’t said anything. Didn’t even move. Actually is it really Hyunjin in front of him, or just a cutout of him?
Seungmin knows he should say something, but he doesn't think that he could. Not right now. Not in front of them.
Not unless he wants to reveal he has Hanahaki.
He has been holding his cough for what seems like hours. He put so much makeup on his face to conceal his pale skin. He could feel those layers of makeup cracking as he struggled to hold his tears. He doesn't know why he needs to even cry in the first place. The story has been set a long time ago. Fate has written everything that has been and will be. He could not rewrite everything just for his happy ending.
Felix notices Seungmin’s silence quickly trying to bring back the mood up, “If you are busy, we actually could postpone the wedding,” as he played with his finger. Those fingers that are decorated with a shiny diamond ring. Hyunjin’s mother’s ring. A generational ring handed down from his great great great grandparent. Now, sit beautifully in Felix’s right ring finger.
Of course. Felix deserves it the most.
He is a special person. A so very special person. Someone Hyunjin deserves as a significant other. Not someone like him. Not Seungmin. Not ever.
Seungmin shakes his head as he takes the letter. “It’s okay. I’m just shocked with the news that's all,” he coughed a little. “Didn’t think you guys would settle down this early though.”
Felix chuckles at Seungmin’s words. “Well Hyunjin feels that we are ready for the next step of our relationship,” he takes Hyunjin's hands into his. The cute gesture makes Hyunjin smile at Felix.
A genuine smile. One he never seems to be received by Hunjin all these years.
His dark black eyes looking at Felix with such mesmerising, like he holds the whole universe in those gazes. The smile didn’t feel forced or rigid. They involuntarily move whenever he is looking at Felix. Like it has been his second nature in his whole life. Those smiles suit him. Not the stoic emotion a few minutes before when he met Seungmin’s eye. Not the eyes wandering around when Seungmin chose to sit in front of him.
Well at least he still could smile even without Seungmin in his life. Seems like he has moved on from their falls out. The thought of it alone relieved a few doubts in Seungmin. He doesn’t really need Seungmin in his life. Never has, never will.
“Thank you,” Seungmin smiles at Felix. “But I don’t think I’m free to join your rehearsal though,” as he sips his black coffee that has long cooled off. Maybe it can help swallow down the petals that have started to build up in his throat.
“I could be there during the wedding ceremony,” he looks back at the wedding invitation card. There is a picture of both of them kissing in front of a sunset. Guess that is when Hyunjin proposed to Felix. Behind the picture he could see his old group back. All 5 of them.
Ahh, his old group. How have they been? Looks like they are doing better than him. How he wishes for the same.
Both of them immediately frown upon realising what Seungmin is saying. “What do you mean Seungmin-ah?” Hyunjin straightened up. Finally he speaks some words. I thought he had gone mute on me. Seungmin chuckled at his thoughts.
Felix quickly tried to solve the problem, as usual. “Well we could postpone the whole thing you know. That is more suitable for you?”
“Plus we did not care that much about the whole ceremony. Just within us friends is enough,” the blonde boy in front of him continues. Their eyes begged for Seungmin's presence throughout the whole ordeal. Felix holds his hand that has been holding the invitation letter. Clasping their hands together as if Seungmin would fade out from the world again if he let it go.
Did not care so much? A boy who would celebrate every friendship milestone with him during their elementary school? Who would count on every flower beside their neighbourhood parks and be happy when another flower blooms while giving an eulogy for those that withered away? The one who would cry on every first snow drop during winter? Who has been waiting for a wedding of their own? To the point that Seungmin could see the folder Felix’s has since their high school, detailing his dream wedding from the venue to the theme itself, sticking out from his bag beside him in every class. With those colourful binder and all. And they are colour coded in alphabetical order mind you.
Yeah, did not care so much. Bullshit.
“- and we could also like just cut the wedding guest to a certain amount if you don’t like a grand big wedding,” Felix is still planning out another wedding plan while Hyunjin nodding on every word.
Isn’t this their wedding? Why is his presence is so important to them? It's not like he will be absent during the wedding? Just the rehearsal and the bachelor party only.
Why would they care so much about him now? Why not when he really needs them before this? Before he was suffering with the Hanahaki alone in his home. The days he spent crying, agonising in pain, just breathing like a normal person. Days he spent locking himself up in his room for god knows how long.
“Please, Felix. Stop it,” Seungmin cuts as Felix talks about the apparently new wedding venue. “I will see if I can come for some of the rehearsal and wedding shower,” Seungmin pulls back his hand from Felix’s grasp. He could see the joy from Felix’s eye and the slight sigh of relief from Hyunjin.
“I would update you if I have anything during that time,” he smiles as he starts to pack up his stuff. Seungmin pays a certain amount of money to pay for his coffee on the table before he leaves. He could see how Hyunjin wants for Seungmin to stay a little bit longer, but he does not think he could.
Not when he could actively feel the flower building up inside his throat and ready to come out. The coffee did not help. Actually, they make it worse. His mind could not think straight while his breathing became more raggedy as the minute passed. Every breath seems like an agonising pain. When he is finally outside of the couple's vision from the cafe, Seungmin immediately runs toward the nearest restroom.
When he notices one, he searches for any empty stall and starts vomiting out all of the flowers into the toilet bowl. His body forcefully coughs every single flower petal inside his throat. As the toilet bowls start to fill up with multiple different assortment of flower petals, Seungmin could already feel his lungs have calmed down and the itchiness inside his throat subside.
He sits on the floor without a care for cleanliness right now. Fuck that. Eventually, his shortness of breath alleviated and he could breathe normally.
Seungmin flushes out the toilet and washes up his face on the toilet sink. As he looks in the mirror, he sees nothing but a broken boy pretending that everything is okay. His eyes circling with dark colour, hinting countless nights he has been crying from the pain. The sunken eyes and pale complexion of his face showing the hours and days of starvation from vomiting out everything every time he feels sad. He does not even notice that his eyes are red and swollen up. The mascara ruins from the tears he has been holding onto since he meets up with them.
He takes a few toilet paper and wipes all the mess when his phone rings from a notification.
Felix☀️
delivered a pdf file
Once Seungmin opens up the file, he sees the tentative dates of their weddings. Next week, they are going to try on some wedding tuxes. With everyone from his old group.
Great.
Felix☀️ has added Seungmin🐶 to “Straykids”
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Seungmin should just skip this day entirely. He should not torture himself more.
Felix and Hyunjin are currently dancing in their newly designed tux at the big hall inside some fancy boutique. There is a high probability that Felix bought this whole place today just for their fitting.
Felix, letting his long freshly permed blonde hair down, with a white tux that perfectly fits him like a glove, and white long pants with a short skirt covering the upper parts of his legs. As he sways with Hyunjin leads, the skirt beautifully twirls following his moves perfectly. He looks like a divine swan, flocking their gorgeous white wings on a fair lake, dancing for the nature to see their majestic feathers.
While Hyunjin wears the complete opposite of Felix. With his short black hair, black tux covering a white shirt underneath it, and long black pants. He has gorgeous black leather shoes that click every time he moves.
They are practicing their dance routine with their wedding tux to as Felix said, “Comfortable themselves when the day comes.” Of course he wants everything to be perfect. His own life is perfect.
With Hyunjin’s right hands holding Felix’s waist, guiding him in every move he wants, and oh so pure Felix obeys and follows every direction that is given to him. Hyunjin's left hand holds Felix’s cheeks as he basks in the comfort of his future husband's embrace. Their fondly gaze with each other, swaying on an imaginary music in their minds. This is the definition of a fairytale true love looks like.
This is what people would call a true definition of love.
Not the one Seungmin has been dreaming of. The one where Hyunjin hugs him on every of his Hanahaki cough episodes. Or when Hyunjin would sing him to sleep whenever he couldn’t sleep from the burn and soreness of his throat. When Hyunjin caresses his dishevelled hair every morning Seungmin sees himself in the mirror.
Not that. Never that.
The fact he dreams about it makes Seungmin feel like a weirdo. That he is some creep fantasising about fake scenarios as if Hyunjin would even look at his direction. Those obsessive psychos who collect hairs or nails of their favourite people. While he collects bits of pieces of happy memories they once had. Even if the memories were not romantic, he would just imagine that they are.
Fuck, why he couldn’t just be a normal person and be happy for the couple that are laughing merrilly at their spouses’s tux. Why couldn’t he be like his other friends who cheers on the future husbands in front of him.
Speaking of which, here comes the person he hopes never comes to the fitting today.
“It’s good to see you today Seungmin,” Jeongin smiles as he sits beside Seungmin, a place where Felix adamantly requests specifically for Felix and Felix only. The thought that Seungmin maybe did not want to socialise with his old friends is commendable, but when the boy is constantly hugging and asking for his wellbeing makes Seungmin annoyed a little bit. Like maybe you could back off a little bit? But he digressed.
Now, Jeongin is sitting beside him, his eyes looking at Seungmin's avoidant gaze, looking for some reaction, or a reply, or even a simple hi. He doesn’t want to give him one. He is being stubborn right now and you could call him a baby for his behaviour, but he doesn’t care. Babies get hugs, love, and attention. He wants that. He never gets one.
Seeing the hesitance and awkwardness seeping from Jeongin makes him feel guilty a little bit but all of it drains to the ground when Changbin screams at Felix to kiss Hyunjin just as Felix did a bright red lipstick on his lips.
Oh yeah, the sight of Felix smack a kiss on Hyunjin’s lips, with Hyunjin flustered face afterward and the remnants of kiss stuck brightly on Hyunjin’s lips surpassing the redness of his face, makes him almost cough out the flower petals inside him. Keyword almost. But that act itself makes Jeongin raise his eyebrow.
Fuck, Seungmin doesn’t want anyone to know about this. Not ever since Jisung stumbled upon him at the hospital visits. Not when the said guy didn’t even dare to look at Seungmin’s direction fearing he would fall the tears he seems to be holding on for far too long. Seungmin doesn’t want his other friends to worry about him like Jisung did.
Jisung weeps on the floor holding what seems to be a tired Seungmin. He doesn’t know if it is because they haven’t met for weeks, or because he saw Seungmin throwing up flowers on the toilet bowl. He mutters apologies and blames himself as his hugs become tighter every second, fearing Seungmin might be gone from existence if he ever dares to let it go.
Seungmin is tired from throwing up and just coming to the hospital for his pain medication, so he just accepts Jisung’s hug, resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder. One that he very much misses from someone other than himself.
After what seems like hours of crying, Jisung’s cries have turned into soft sobs and whimpers, while he blows into crumpled tissues he used for the crying session. They are currently sitting on the sofa in the waiting room, waiting for the receptionist to call Seungmin’s name before he bolts out the door. He did not want to have this conversation today.
However, fate called him and said fuck you and your family.
And now he tries his best to explain to one of his closest friends who is trying so hard not to cry. He may or may not leave out a certain someone's name, but even Jisung could take a hint on that.
How could he not, when Seungmin practically does the same when Hyunjin and Felix announce they are dating when they are in high school. Jisung is one of the few who knows about Seungmin’s feeling towards Hyunjin with others being the cleaner who has to clean all the flower petals he throws up (I mean, he should at least explain why there are piles of soggy flower petals on the floor to her and apologise for any upcoming episode), his dog, his doctor, and his older sister.
But now, only Jisung knows about him having Hanahaki.
He tries his best to cheer Seungmin up, either by having lunch with him, doing a double blind date, or trying to see a therapist which he did, but they cost too much nowadays in this economic climate. He even plans to steal Hyunjin from Felix, which makes him let out a chuckle. How could someone make Hyunjin fall out of love with someone like Felix. The thought itself makes him laugh.
“There you go,” Jisung smiles as he finally sees a small smile from Seungmin, “You don’t need to hide again Minnie.” He holds both of Seungmin's hands tightly. “Don’t leave me again,” he whispers hoping the others didn’t hear it.
Ever since that, Jisung would try calling Seungmin everyday. At first, talking with someone did help him cheer himself up. But Jisung also has his own problem. There is no way you went to a hospital visit just for fun. He also has his own problem. Psychological one.
So the calls would decrease overtime as well as Seungmin’s hope. Jisung’s anxiety worsened a few months ago due to work and family related problems. Seungmin tries to call him or even visit him. But Felix or Hyunjin would always pick up the phone or be there. So he would just leave a gift or send him a get well soon card.
But seeing how he doesn’t even be there for Jisung while Jisung has tried his best to be there for him makes Seungmin feel worthless and guilt slowly crept up into him.
And when Jisung did answer his call, it was too late. Seungmin was already so deep in his doubts and despair that not even his friend could help him.
Maybe that is why present Jisung right now seems to blame himself for Seungmin's worsening condition. When he did makes an eye contact with Jisung, he tries to muster a small smile as a gesture to say, it is not your fault, I’m the one who should be blamed. Yet, the message seems to not be received successfully as Jisung let out a whimper and tears seem to build up in his eyes.
He knows better than anyone that he must not in any circumstance breakdown right here and right now. Seungmin does not want anyone, not even his family to know about this. So Jisung tries his best to hold the tears and mask it as a laugh from one of Changbin’s antics.
Jeongin seems to take notice of the secret conversation going on between Seungmin and Jisung but thank heaven he didn’t say anything and moves to help Felix change into another tux.
He then takes a shaky breath and composes himself when he hears that right now their friends are trying on their matching tux. Before he moves from his seat, he notices how everyone seems to pair up with someone.
Everyone except him.
That is when he notices how few of them seem to be avoiding Seungmin like the Black plague. Changbin, Hyunjin and Bangchan talk about gym or stuff. Felix helps Jeongin try on his tux. Minho and Jisung seem to be in a deep conversation. Even after they finished their own conversation, they would awkwardly look away from Seungmin and make up a new topic to talk about.
Does everyone hate me? Am I the problem here?
He starts to have difficulty breathing.
Fuck why do I have Hanahaki. Why do I have feelings for Hyunjin! Why do I have to fall into the trap, even if the taste itself is as sweet as honey, the pain matches the ones from Hell. Why must I be tempted with these feelings if I couldn’t have it? Why show me beauty if I couldn’t feel the grace of it.
A hand on his shoulder brought him back to the present. Seungmin looks up to see a worried face of Felix. His big round eyes filled with concern. Before Felix could ask anything, Seungmin steady himself and moves to try on the tux.
Once inside the changing booth, he falls to his feet, gasping for air that has been sucked out from him. He coughs silently as he can, with a few petals coming out from his mouth. He could even see a few of them having blood streaks. He has to keep calm. Remember, he has just a few more minutes before he could go home. He needs to make this work. For his friend. For his best friend. For his Hyunjin.
When he comes out wearing the light blue tux, Changbin makes some corny jokes and Bangchan and Minho compliment him. He only mustered a small smile on their gesture. Hyunjin only looks at him with a gaze as if he is reminiscing. But maybe that is just what Seungmin thought. When he looks at the mirror he looks… ugly.
His skin is pale, sweaty and looks like someone who just woke up from the dead. The tux is not suitable for him, too long and too big for his thin body. His hair does not compliment the tux as much as others. His face, hollow from any souls, eyes with a thousand yards stare, with few acne that worsen his already attractive face.
Are they making fun of him? That he is so ugly, nothing could make it better?
Felix hugs behind Seungmin, both his hands on his shoulder as he smiles looking at him. “You look beautiful Seungmin!” Lies. “Do you like this outfit? We could change it if you don’t like the colour?” This is your favourite colour.
Seungmin shakes his head. He should not make it harder for Felix. He already did his best for him. “I’m okay with this. Plus you want this colour.”
When Seungmin didn’t receive any response he glances at Felix and sees that he is hesitating. As if he is trying to tread the water. Like a doctor trying to tell bad news to someone.
Is this really a prank on Seungmin?
Felix lets out a big smile and announces. “Seungmin, would you be my best man for my wedding?” as he clasps his hand into him.
Before anything, he sees Hyunjin hesitancy, which seems like they have been discussing this exact thing for so long already and Seungmin knows Hyunjin's opinion on this.
Hyunjin does not want him to be the best man.
Heck, maybe he does not even want Seungmin to be there. Just a normal guest, sitting far away.
What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
That is when the flair starts again.
Jisung, already sensing the impending doom, tries to jump and help Seungmin but he does not want to burden him more.
So he did what he did best. He runs away.
Seungmin🐶 has left the group
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He knows he shouldn’t leave the place just like that. He should be mature. He should control his feelings. He is an adult. He is Seungmin. Non chalant. Doesn’t show emotions. Doesn’t have emotion.
But then why. Why is his heart right now aching with love? Aching for a life same as Felix. To be wanted. To be cherished by someone. Someone you love. Someone who could reciprocate your feelings. Someone like Hyunjin. His Hyunjin.
Seungmin coughs violently as a few anemone petals fall into the ground. His body shakes intensely on every cough. He fell onto his knees, couldn’t handle the pain in his chest anymore. He does not know which pain one hurts the most, the Hanahaki flair or him realising he would never get those love stories he once dreamed so much. His hand is trying to cover the flower and blood from spilling on the floor. His vision is covered by tears. He doesn’t know if it is from the pain right now, or the pain of knowing he would never be loved like Felix. To be someone that special. How he wished he was that special.
Seungmin tries to stand back up but his legs wobble on each step. He holds onto himself, leaning his body against the wall. The tears fell through his eyes. Blood spilling at the corner of his mouth. His breath seems like a work rather than a necessity. The roots pull his lung away for each inspiration, while the thorns stick themselves on every expiration.
He is gasping for air that never seems to flow into his body. Every minutes feels like a torture from fate. He could almost see the light in the end. Maybe today is the day he could finally let go of himself. This could be a chance for him to take a rest, a goodnight sleep he longfully yearns for. But those lights immediately vanish as the flair stops.
Finally Seungmin takes a deep breath. His mind could finally think once more. His lung could breathe normally without any pain.
This is not a life. This is just nothing but a prison. A cell that holds every feeling he once has control of. Now any sadness or anger he felt, a wave of pain will soon follow suit. His autonomy of his own body has been taken away when he falls in love with Hyunjin.
How pitiful.
A boy who hates himself and never been loved by anyone, still fights back every torment life has given him.
Why must Seungmin suffer, for someone who will never see him as he sees Hyunjin.
A love letter that will never be sent. A flower that withered on a deserted land. A star that shines dimly, never been given a name.
A ringing phone pulls Seungmin back to his current situation. A call from Jisung. Feeling tired and exhausted, Seungmin left the call to voicemail.
“Hey, call me back Seungmin. We are worried about you man.” concern laced on every word Jisung said. He said ‘We’. Who is “we” in this situation, because he could literally name the people who truly care about him. Here he goes.
…
…
…
…
See? No one.
Are they really THAT concerned about him? Changbin and Minho seems like they did not give a single flying fuck about him. Not when he is trying his best masking his cough as grunts. The same could be said for the grooms themselves. The only thing they seem to care about is just for them to flaunt their happy, beautiful, and healthy relationship for Seungmin to cry about.
Not once ever look at him and ask if he is okay. If he wants to be there. Granted, Felix did give him space and spent his time, that did not include Hyunjin, talking to Seungmin. But the rest of the gang? They seem to just have fun and celebrate Hyunjin and Felix’s wedding. What is even the point of Seungmin being there? Is there a vendetta against him? Did their friends plan to torment Seungmin for his actions when he left the group without a goodbye?
A ringing from Jeongin. “Seungmin? Are you okay there?”
No. This is wrong. You are wrong Seungmin.
Sorry. But who are you to judge? They deserve to celebrate that. The gang should be happy and commend on their love life. It is Seungmin that is in the wrong.
Who are you to sulk and jealous of someone's happiness? The boy who cut off all contact from everyone? The boy who runs away from his feelings? The boy who did not even spend a single second to apologise for his mistake?
A ringing from Minho, Changbin, and Bangchan. “Hey if you have some problem you could talk to us?”
Seungmin does not belong there with them. And on top of that making a scene out of nowhere. Like he owns the fucking place. The fucking world? Making everyone worried about him. Calling him in the middle of the night right now? What justified his behaviour? Just because he has Hanahaki? Fuck you.
Fuck. You. Seungmin.
A ringing from Felix. “Hi Seungmin, if you couldn’t come to the party it’s okay. I canceled it anyway. How about a dinner with just the two of us? Please?”
He should not cry. He should not be angry at them. He should not run away. He should not be jealous of them. He has not been there for them for the past 2 years. What gives him the right to throw a tantrum like an immature child.
He should distance himself from them. He should stop seeing them. He should move away.
A ringing from Hyunjin. “Seungmin? Please answer my call?”
That's what he should do.
That is what he should have done years ago.
You have 65 voicemails from Hyunjin🥟
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“For you, at this stage already, the treatment is either we go conservatively or radical. That means we need to do surgery immediately.”
Surgery. In any diagnosis or pathology you have, people would preferably pick surgery options more than conservative. They would have a longer survival rate and better prognosis in life.
However, the same cannot be said at Seungmin's experience right now.
But for Hanahaki.
They meant he would never have any feelings left in his body. No sadness. No anger. No happiness. No fear. No nothing. Just a void. A shell with nothing on the inside. A vase without flowers. A frame with no picture safe inside. Paper with countless unspoken words. An art without a meaning.
Living everyday with zero colour. Just ranges of white and black. A world without rainbows. How sad it is to live like that.
You could not feel sad when someone dear to you passed away. You could not feel angry when someone hurts your loved one. You could not feel fear when your close friend is in danger. You could not feel happy when Hyunjin said ‘I love you’ to you.
You just feel nothing.
Is nothing better than death? Is it a good thing when you live in a world with no taste? Your own mother’s cooking would feel bland everyday. Is it a good thing to live in a world with no sounds or music? Is it a life if there is no art in it? Everything is gloomy and sad. No joy.
He rather suffers with this disease than to lose what it means to be a person. A living person. Not a functional one, but one regardless.
Seeing the determination in Seungmin’s eye, Dr. Hong already knows the answer and sighs. “Everyone that has the disease has never opted for surgery, if I’m being honest with you,” as he puts down Seungmin’s files. “Not one person I have met with, wants to undergo the surgery willingly.”
Seungmin looks up to Dr. Hong’s words. “Live a nice life, kid. I hope you found your happiness,” as he writes the prescription drugs for him. “Never lose to it. Chin up, and overcome the pain with a smile on your face.
“At least you still have those feelings in you.”
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