Chapter Text
It was weird being in the Turtle after hours but when your best friend is Safi life tends to have interesting choices. One of them being sprinting to the bathroom before she pees her pants like some twelve-year-old. While also making it look like she wasn’t doing just that. Max laughed to herself as she used the bathroom, taking in all the scribbles on the stall walls. She never understood what it was about people choosing to draw while passing one on the toilet. Her mind was already creative enough without having to mark up some metal with sharpie. But she most definitely had been the type of person to take a photo, of said scribble, while passing one. So. Ditto.
The end of the semester was always chaotic and this time around Max wasn’t doing any kind of final. What type of professor would she be to offer a written final, for a photography class?
Instead, she had the bright idea of letting her students create a portfolio of their choice as their final grade. Now in place of grading papers Max had the wonderful experience of going over two hundred photos. Don’t get her wrong, she adored, loved, obsessed over photography but after the fortieth black and white photo, proving some inane half thought, it got to be a little dull. Just part of the career, she supposes.
Which is how she found herself at the Turtle, about five drinks in and an entire group of friends waiting for her return. Moses had also been at his wits end; she couldn’t imagine the kind of grading he had to go through. And if she had to see Safi be cracked out on caffeine one more time, she was going to make sure to put melatonin in her next cup. Vinh had been a welcome burst of energy and she wasn’t surprised to find out that being here, was entirely his doing. Wherever there was a party Mr. Lang was never far off the trail.
Max made her way to the sink washing her hands in the luke warm water. She took a moment to cup her hands under the faucet and splash some water on her face. She didn’t need the refresher but some part of her mind needed to cool down. Being at the Turtle, after hours, without Amanda was the part that dragged everything else down. Even if she had spent the better part of an hour trying to push that thought down.
Taking on the challenge to win Amanda back had been the highlight of that day. She wanted to make amends; she wanted to earn Amanda’s trust back. She wanted to show Amanda that there was so much of her to like. But after-
“Knock, Knock. Time’s up.”
“Safi, are you here because you have to pee or are you here because you want to annoy me?”
“I mean, does it have to be a choice?” She answered, knocking again on the door. “Max, c’mon, let me in.”
Sighing Max unlocked the door and was not prepared to be pushed, stumbling backwards. “What the hell was that for?” She watched in confusion as Safi locked the door and braced herself against it.
“So, don’t freak out.”
Max sucked in her teeth. “Sure, just tell the person you nearly shoved into the sink to keep calm. Totally effective.”
Safi sighed head shaking. “Don’t! Just listen, okay?”
“I can use my powers; you know this right?”
“And we promised that we wouldn’t do that, hm?” Safi waited a few moments before speaking again. “Remember when Vinh said-“
“- I am not going to like this aren’t-“
“Sht! Let me finish- don’t look at me like that, this is important, anyway.” Collecting herself, Safi looked at Max, this time her eyes turning concerned. “One of the backups got sick and since we’re all some level of drunk, the other backup had to go. And-“
“Amanda’s here, isn’t she?” Max finished and she watched as Safi silently nodded. Closing her eyes in distress, she tried to keep her composure. “I haven’t talked to her in two weeks, Saf. I don’t- I don’t even really know what went wrong.”
“Hey, hey. Things happen, alright?” Safi assured, stepping away to hold Max steady. “If Amanda hasn’t come around, I promise its for a good reason. And if it’s not… then you know, I’ll find a really good plot of land to dump her in.”
“You wouldn’t.”
Safi shrugged. “For you? I would.”
“You like Amanda.”
“Yeah…” Safi dragged out, her head bobbling side to side. “But I love you though, so, next point?”
Max sighed, throwing her arms in the air. “What am I supposed to do? Hide in here the whole time? Everyone’s waiting outside for me so the game can continue.”
Shrugging, Safi answered. “I mean, you’re hot, I’m hot. A few perfectly placed pounds against the door and we could just always let some imagination run free?”
“You did not just propose for our entire friend group to think we did a quicky in the bathroom! That’s so fucked.” Max hissed. “You don’t even like quickie's!”
“Okay, rude. I said that in confidence.” Safi defended and leaned down to catch Max’s gaze. “We go out there, you take your drink and we just play the game, simple. I am right by your side, always.”
“Safi, what if I fucked up my last chance?”
“By doing what? Last I saw, my best friend only had eyes for one lesbian bartender.”
Both women jumped when a loud chorus of “Ohhhhs” traveled loudly down the hall. Max could feel her pulse in her ears and even with Safi close by, the dread that built was hard to ignore. But she had a point, the only person Max had attention for was the woman with pretty brown eyes, smile that could light up any room and a laugh Max always wanted to hear. Whatever happened in the past two weeks, wasn’t normal. Amanda was one of the most honest and straightforward people she had ever met.
But Amanda was also the type of woman Max felt like she didn’t really deserve. Who Max was and how the universe shaped around her. That would never be normal, she would never be normal. Her powers would always be a factor even if she didn’t use them. She liked Amanda so, so much that she would rather lose her now than ever understand what the loss of her could feel like later on. Max didn’t want to bring her chaos to someone who was nothing but peace.
Staying locked in the bathroom though wouldn’t change anything. Taking one last stabilizing breath, she locked eyes with Safi. She was Max fucking Caulfield. Finding courage where she didn’t know she had it stored away. She opened the bathroom door, with Safi stepping aside before following right behind Max. She eyed the tray of shots on one of the tables, plucked one for her and Safi. Quickly clinking their glasses in a cheer before downing them fast. God, that was gin? Gross.
She mumbled a thank you to Safi when an ice-cold beer found her hand and she didn’t waste anytime taking her first swig as she met the group. They seemed to be in a hot debate, the conversation going too fast for her to keep up, let alone understand. Moses was leaned forward hands moving in specific form. Reggie seemed invested and Vinh looked like he had found out more than he wanted. Diamond was nodding along and it seemed Loretta agreed. Her only mistake was letting her beer bounce off one of her rings, the distinct clank bringing all eyes on her. A beat of silence passed, two, Max’s brows arching ever so slightly.
“Definitely.” Diamond was the first to speak.
“Yep.” Vinh said next, making sure the end of his P popped just that much more.
Loretta nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, the hand thing was right, Moses.”
“Did she always have hands like that?” Reggie murmured, head tilting sideways.
“Uh, so does anyone here want to maybe clue us in here or?” Safi interjected, arm wrapping around Max’s shoulders. But if the way Safi reared back when a very loud entire chorus of “Nah” slipped out was anything to go by she was absolutely perplexed. “What the fuck?”
“From what I gathered, it seems that Professor Caulfield here is on the top.”
Max startled when Amanda came into view, carrying a tray of fresh drinks. Her heart skipping a small beat at seeing her for the first time in two weeks. Nothing seemed too different but the way Amanda was looking at her let her know something had happened. She watched as Amanda set down fresh drinks for everyone.
“Ahh.” Safi lamented, slowly tapping Max on the shoulder.
Lost, Max leaned her body towards the bar, thumb hitching backwards. “Like on top of the pick-up line board?”
The undignified snort that seemed to leave Amanda before she could control herself made everyone pause for just a second. Eventually Safi let out a cackle, making everyone else laugh in return. But the reaction from Safi seemed to be a calculated move because next thing Max knew she was being maneuvered once again. Her best friend was the taking the opportunity of the distraction to meddle. She could feel the ghost of Safi lips against her ear, the literal command loud in her mind. Why is Safi so pushy tonight?
“Play it cool Professor.”
“Wai-“ Max couldn’t get a reply out fast enough before she was being manhandled down into a seat, promptly quieted.
“Good! Amanda you’re here. Take my spot and sit next to Max.” Safi pointed to the empty cushion, smile wide. “The next round of this forsaken game is starting and I am not leaving you out of the disaster.” Safi announced loud enough for everyone to hear.
Max felt a little like she was in a twilight zone, the rest of the group was in another heated debate. But in this corner, Safi, Amanda and Max were in their own space. Amanda was still slightly bent, in the middle of sorting some empty glasses on to her dish. Safi was standing close enough to block Amanda and Max from everyone else. Max watched as Amanda slowly straightened up; eyes locked on Safi. Max wanting to occupy herself somehow took another sip of her beer.
“Well, isn’t this just my lucky day.” Amanda replied quietly.
“The luckiest!” Safi expressed brightly, gesturing with her hands to sit down.
Max swallowed as she felt Amanda plop right down next to her. It was awkward or maybe she was awkward or both. What is a woman to do when the one she wants is right there but the moment to talk isn’t? Max titled her head up finding Safi already looking down her, she tried to plead with her eyes but all she got back in return was a wink. Defeated, she blew a breath out watching as Safi clapped to get everyone’s attention.
“Alright my fellow degenerates, lets get this mess started!”
What she wasn’t expecting was for a warm hand to tentatively grab her own. Turning her head, she was surprised at having Amanda so close to her. She could take in every single little detail, the way she had soft lines around her eyes. The way her bangs were just a little off kilter, how slender her neck was. Her eyes soft and beautiful. The wisps of hair that always fell out towards the sides of her ears. Max knew she could stare at Amanda for the rest of her life and always find something new to admire.
“I know it’s weird between us and that’s my fault; I want to fix it okay?”
The amount of hope playing across Amanda’s face took Max’s breath. She swallowed trying to find any kind of words. But all she could notice was that even if Amanda looked so ready to talk, the slight redness around her eyes told a different story. Something must have shown on Max’s face because Amanda instantly looked down, hiding. She wouldn’t have none of it.
“Challenge accepted.” Max whispered, hand coming to rest on Amanda’s knee.
She didn’t pull away, instead lacing their fingers tighter together. “Please don’t go.”
To free her hand, Max leaned and placed her beer down before carefully tilting Amanda’s chin up to meet her eyes. “I’ve always been right here.”
The smile Max got in return was worth putting her heart on her sleeve in the moment. “Partners for this game?”
“Always.” Max replied.
And if they both forgot that they were in the middle of group then so be it. This bubble was one they didn’t want to leave.
It was chaos.
Amanda was used to chaos; she grew up with six siblings and being the oldest meant she dealt with everything. Watching each of her siblings come into the world, like wrinkly little gremlins. First words, first steps, crawling, running. Snot, pee, poop, fighting, loose teeth, screaming. Being seen more as a second mother figure rather than an older sister when it came to the youngest ones. That had been hard for some time, she loved them but she didn’t want to be a mom, not yet anyway.
She had been the first one up and the last one home. Learning how to cook so her mother had a chance to get ready for work while the rest of the gang was haywire. It wasn’t easy but then she never really knew her life to be anything but. Juggling school, sports, clubs. Finding out that she was as lesbian as they come and finding pride in that.
Getting her heart broken time and time again because she latched on too fast, too hard, too quick. Falling for women who just wanted a taste, a run, an experiment. Being told she was too much, too loud, too forward, too this, too that. Her hopes always flying too high just to come crashing down. It was fucking terrible. She hated it all.
Yet somehow, in between all the fucked-up shit she went through she found her medium. Writing about it. Only instead of letting herself drown in her tears she would change it into a joke. A good line here, a better line over there. Then she got good at it, really damn good. Started to create stories out of some of her worst experiences. She had to believe there were women just like her who had been through similar experiences.
That’s how she ended up here, at the Snapping Turtle. Her own little creation that she worked hard to make. To let anyone within reason and everyone also within reason feel welcome. She let herself have the space to grow and the confidence to just be. The type that wouldn’t shake her up like when she was younger. Be that spot of warmth and understanding she had wished for in her loneliest moments. That journey alone let her find her new skill, the ability to easily create drinks and new recipes. She owes that to her grandmother.
She misses her, her grandma. She was lively, strong and always had a piece of advice even if it wasn’t asked for. Amanda had spent a lot of time with her grandmother, just as a way to get some quiet. The age gap between her and her next sibling, was five years. Twins to her parents’ shock. Amanda’s too. She had asked for one sibling, instead one egg decided hey, let’s split. But the age gap allowed her some freedoms her brothers and sisters didn’t. And if her grandmother said she was the favorite then Amanda had no idea what she was talking about.
But in her heart of hearts, she knew her grandmother would have loved Max Caulfield. Her eyes drifted from the group and landed on Max. She could feel her gut twist at the thought of what she had put the woman through for the past two weeks. It wasn’t fair of her; it was stupid more than anything. Bad habits, even worse choices. Her therapist had not been too thrilled with her and if Amanda was honest, she was really disappointed in herself too.
They had been doing so great, she was terrified when all the crazy shit with powers went down. It still didn’t seem real, she still had so many questions, so many things to ask of Max. But she had asked Max for time. For her to get her thoughts in order and she had been scared that putting another pause would kill what they had.
She had been through it before, asking for friendship, for understanding, but nothing more. And they always said yes but their actions said no. Pushing for attention, getting miffed if she didn’t return it, flirting knowing she didn’t want that kind of treatment. Eventually losing the person out of her entirely. Good riddance to them but this time?
It pained her, more than she thought it would. When Max stepped close to her and she pulled back. Not when everything in her wanted to lean into Max, take in her warmth, her scent, everything. She had been wanting nothing but Max for months, their connection getting stronger each day. While her doubts also grew parts of her falling back into her safe space, cradling not only her feelings but herself, her heart. The thoughts hit her had and she had keep herself calm, she didn’t want to tear up in front of Max.
Not that Max was the cause of her tears. The last thing she wanted to do was make her feel any worse than she already did. The memory of how Max deflated her shoulders falling when Amanda had taken those few steps back. The hurt had felt like catching a splinter on the palm of her hand. At the time she wanted to say so many things, don’t give up, don’t let this go. She had found her resolve to stay strong. The future she wanted with Max needed both of them to have the right foundation.
The request had sat on the tip of her tongue for a few moments, the dread of history repeating itself again. Would Max also be on the list of women who never cared enough to give Amanda that reassurance of actually listening to her wishes? Max wasn’t the one who caused all the different marks across her heart but it was Max who would have to deal with the line in the sand she was drawing. It wasn’t fair but Amanda hoped Max understood.
So, when Amanda finally told her that she could have a chance to win her back, she was expecting anything, everything. Except the strained “challenge accepted” that came from Max’s lips. It came so close to toppling her resolve. Those teary baby blues had her strung tight. A part of her felt guilty for ever doubting Max to begin with.
And time did as time does, a week passed, then two, three suddenly it was a month. Amanda had spent the journey filing away her thoughts, feelings, trying to grasp it all. Max still came by the Turtle, smile always present and always open to anything Amanda asked. A difference she took notice of quickly. She could tell it wasn’t easy for Max, the way her body would stiffen, words short but she tried, every time, for Amanda and it meant the world.
Then two months passed, three, four… they were building something more than just a title, a bond, something entirely new. She adored it, adored Max. She never once pushed a boundary, never asked for something that Amanda wasn’t ready to give. She listened, she learned, she was patient, and kind. God, her hands would tingle because all she wanted to do was pull Max to her. Keep her close, kiss her like they did on their impromptu date. Max didn’t even flirt! Like the perfect gentlewoman she was. It drove Amanda wild. More than she had ever expected. And that’s where things went wrong. Her Grandma would have slapped with her infamous wooden spoon.
Amanda shook her head, coming into the present. Her body leaning ever so closely to Max, a pull she couldn’t resist. Magnetized. One that was getting harder and harder to stop herself from. One she didn’t really want to resist anymore and that was dangerous.
But Max was different as plain as that sounded. Releasing this part of herself, didn’t have to be what it was. It could be new, better, with Max. The sound of Vinh’s throat clearing made her focus.
“Okay, okay. Round three, for a whopping total of twenty points!” Vinh announced, flicking the card dramatically as he read. “For each answer that is the same, two points will be added. Any person who stays silent, gets deducted three. Winner reads next rapid round group card and is immune.”
“Immune to what?” Loretta questioned.
“Uh, let me see. Says they don’t need to answer.” Vinh shrugged. “Okay, everyone ready? When I say go, you have to answer, no stalling.”
“Oh my god, Lang, spit it out!” Safi demanded.
At this Vinh raised a brow. “Who in this group would make the best baby daddy? Go!”
Amanda answered before she could stop herself, first out of everyone. “Max!”
Hearing her name come out of the voice behind her made Max’s face turn a bright red, head snapping around to face an equally shocked Amanda. Her pulse was loud the alcohol in her system making the rush worse, it was deafening. There was no way that just happened in front of everyone. With no way to back out of it without making it awkward. Max tried to find any kind of reason but had nothing from Amanda. Max realized she had not meant to answer, not at all.
“Yeah, I’d probably choose Max too.” Safi added smoothly eyes watching her best friend. “Have you seen her with kids? A natural.”
Moses laughed. “Me too, Max kinda has that dad energy you know? Dad jokes too.”
Max blinked taking one last look at Amanda before turning on the group. “My what?”
“Ooo, I don’t know Moses would make a good baby daddy.” Diamond interjected.
Loretta shook her head, leaning forward towards Diamond as if she was sharing a secret. “But Max is always so calm and does the awkward dad comfort.”
“Yes! You get it!” Reggie snapped his fingers in agreement. “I was wondering why Max felt so familiar.”
“Did I mention you lot are horrible at following rules?” Vinh groaned, handing the card to Max. “It was all at once not a debate.”
Safi rolled her eyes, before pointedly yelling “Best baby daddy, go!”
Max ducked her head down when the loud chorus of her name nearly bounced off every wall in the Turtle. She had no idea what to do with this information. It was flattering she guessed, being the dad in the group wasn’t so bad. But this was about being a baby daddy. Max could the flush come right up to her cheeks again. To know it was Amanda who responded first? To feel the heat of woman behind her with how close she was? Max was having a perpetual heart attack the entire time. It was made worse when ever so softly, a whisper made it to the back of her neck.
“Guess I have really good taste.”
Every single hair from the top of her head all the way down to her legs stood up straight. Followed by an entire shiver coursing through her body. Tonight was going be her near death and no number of drinks would ever make her forget this moment. Whatever doubts she had about Amanda not being interested were doused. Drowned. Whisked into the abyss. Amanda had recovered so fast from her stupor. So damn confident now. Fuck me.
“See, there. Fixed it. Happy?” Safi remarked smartly, point at Max. “Okay Baby Daddy Caulfield, read the next card.”
“What?” Max replied dumbfounded, eyes fluttering trying to come back to earth.
Safi squinted at Max, intrigue written on her face. “The card? The game? Question?”
“Right, yeah.” Max cleared her throat. “Who in the group would get pregnant first?”
All at once with no hesitation, everyone answered. “SAFI.”
“I’m sorry, what the hell did I do to everyone to catch all these shots fired?!” Safi said, face in shock at her friends. “Max, can you believe this?”
“Ah, cheating!” Loretta pointed. “Max is immune.”
“For fucks sake. I’m grabbing a shot! Or three!” Safi huffed, stomping to grab her bottle of vodka.
“You’re making such great decisions darling!” Vinh added, laughing when Safi promptly flicked him off.
“Maybe we should take a break?” Max offered.
“Please my bladder is about to burst.” Reggie said already getting up.
Diamond nodded. “Same.”
“Weaklings, be back in thirty.” Vinh sighed.
Max was just about to lean back into the couch when instead, a hand tugged her wrist. Glancing up it was Amanda.
“Come take a walk with me? Alone?”
Max didn’t hesitate to stand up, following her easily.
The night was cold even with spring coming up it seemed like the white covered days were to stay just for a little bit longer. Usually, the wind would have nipped at her hands or even her face but Max was so worked up she could swear the heat was smoking off her. Between anxiety, dread, excitement, embarrassment her emotions had been put through the ringer. She loved her friend group, everyone got along even if the game they were currently playing would leave invisible battle marks. But she could feel the telltale signs of her social battery slowly dying down.
It wasn’t on purpose she was used to being alone, staying alone, in her own space filled with music and photos. Having to travel alone as long as she did after already being an introvert had only made that part of herself stronger. The one who liked separation from everyone and everything. After Arcadia Bay… after her choice, all she wanted was to get as far as she could as fast as she could. The only materials she carried for the longest time was her two duffels, one for clothes, one for camera equipment and her backpack for hikes.
Her parents had tried for the longest time to talk to her, to connect. But how could she ever explain to them that she had lived four different lives in the span of a week? She saw her best friend die three times over. And four times she tried to fix it, change it, make it better and every time the outcome was so much worse. Being dragged from the present, to the past. To await a future in which she had no idea what was in store for her. To explain that after all the evidence was shown there was another life, another time where Max was a victim of that bastard’s room. That her nightmares weren’t just about that damned bathroom in Blackwell.
The only person she couldn’t stand to leave behind was Kate Marsh. Out of every fucked-up thing that had transpired that horrible October week, saving Kate was the best thing to come out of it. Never, never, did Max regret that choice and if given the same week over, she would save Kate every time.
Every single trip Kate ended up being the person she would talk to, send photos and videos to. Any silly little things she knew would make Kate laugh. In return Kate would send Max photos, files and drawings of the books and ideas she was working on. Their friendship was a very bright spot in a horribly dark place for Max.
Now she was here following Amanda along as the night went on. The further she got from the Turtle, the less she wanted to go back. This was what she had wanted for the past two weeks, to just get a moment to understand what had gone wrong. If she had somehow done something but none of it made sense because Amanda had never been like this, acted like this. It was- her thoughts were cut short as she bumped into the woman in front of her.
Stumbling, Max felt her world tilt before an arm caught her wrist. “Easy there, tiger. You, okay?”
“Yeah, just, lost in my thoughts I guess.” Max said and Amanda didn’t let go until she was stable. “Sorry about that.”
“I did sort of abruptly stop, not on you.” Amanda said quietly, before shaking her hands out. “Okay, uhm- shit I had everything I wanted to say and now it’s like I can’t get my words together.”
“You don’t have to say anything you don’t feel ready for.”
“No, that- that’s really fuckin’ adorable of you but I fucked up, I did.” Amanda warbled, inhaling shakily. “I have spent so much of my life trying to be a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend, girlfriend. And not a lot of people were good to me in return, you know?” Max stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt. “Did you know my first time wasn’t even something that mattered to the other person?”
“Amanda-“
“Max, please.” Amanda begged.
Max held her hands up in surrender. “Okay, floor is yours.”
“So…that hurt, it really messed with me for a long time.” Amanda whispered, biting her lower lip in distress. “So instead, I loved harder, latched on, gave more. Because then it would matter right?” A humorless laugh left her. “But then that was too much, too soon. God, it was like every single time I tried it was never right or enough.”
“You are enough, you are more than enough.” Max said earnestly, her throat strained. She didn’t like to see Amanda like this. “All those other people weren’t worth it, worthy of you.”
“Yeah, I know that now.” Amanda looked ready to combust. “And then out of nowhere comes this out of state photographer, right? She’s all Caledon can talk about and one day she walks into my bar.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, and I’m goner for her the second I see her.” Amanda says her voice thick with emotion.
“What do you mean?”
“That’s what I do, I latch.” Amanda shrugs. “I have to do everything in myself to not fuck it up. I play it cool and for a time it is. I go to my therapist and probably stress her the hell out.” She takes a deep breath. “And I flirt, god and you are so oblivious.”
Max doesn’t know what to say, she hasn’t known what to say. Amanda is spilling her heart out and she wants nothing more than to comfort her. But she can feel it’s the not the moment Max has to clench her fists to control herself.
“But it just pulls me in. You, pull me in Max, every time.” Amanda admits, its quiet and soft when she does. “Then I do what I always do when I see myself falling, I do the boundary thing because I get scared. And I tell you what you did is fucked up but I’m a liar because that Amanda was just as valid as the other one, and it was something both? Me? Us, wanted at one point.”
Max swallows. “At one point?”
“Every point. I spent so long thinking about the dead world and living world. Cracking my brain trying to understand everything. That’s when I started asking you all the questions and I could see you being so terrified.”
“I really didn’t want to lose you but I couldn’t lie to you, I promised I wouldn’t.”
“And you’re perfect.” At that admission, Amanda steps closer, eyes searching Max. “Don’t have that look, Max, you are to me. You don’t switch up on me, you don’t ask me for more. So patient, so tender, you know what that does to a woman like me?”
Max can’t help herself. “Good things I’m hoping?”
“It makes me want to pull you down on top of me and make sure that the only thing you can remember when I’m done is me.”
At that Max takes a few steps back until her back hits the nearest tree and lets herself slide down. She doesn’t care if the ground beneath her is cold or that her heart is trying to bounce out of her ribcage. This Amanda has been intense, forward, even a little bit shy. She was different and Max didn’t entirely know how to help, how to soothe her. But she so desperately wanted to be that comfort, provide it.
“Amanda, where is this going?” Max pleaded. “What is going on?”
“I’m being a lot right now, yeah?” Amanda says, walking towards Max until she’s close enough to squat down to be at the same eye level. “I think when you merged worlds, it messed with more than just events or whatever it is. I take some medication and in all my wonderful choices, I missed a few dosages somewhere.”
“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
“I needed you actually, still do and that’s what terrifies me.”
“Is this why you were gone for two weeks?” Max finally finds her words.
“Max, I’m an omega and I usually have a great handle on that.” Amanda states plainly. “So, I called up an ex because you’re a beta and I didn’t want to overwhelm you with-with this.” She says gesturing to herself. “You had so much going on already… fuck.” Amanda scrubs a frustrated hand over her face. “I should have just told you. But nothing, happened, I promise you nothing happened.”
Max was dazed, she was following along she really was but it was so much information at once, she could only shrug in confusion.
“The second we met up, it was wrong, she was wrong. I left, so fast.” Amanda explained, eyes watering. “I just wanted you and then I was too ashamed to face you, all of it was wrong. I am so sorry, Max. That won’t happen again.” The silence continued. “Please, say something.”
Max couldn’t stand the distance between them much less the tear tracks falling down Amanda’s face, she was absolutely distraught. Her arms were crossed around her chest and Max was tired of being so far from her for so long. She reached out slowly, fingers wrapping softly around Amanda’s wrist. She waited for just a second before tugging and at first, there was no movement. So, she made sure this time to grasp more firmly until brown eyes met hers and finally spoke.
“Let me hold you, please.”
Amanda completely let herself fall forward and Max made sure to catch her fully, arms wrapping tightly around her middle pulling her close. She could feel fingers digging into her shoulders while a head tucked close towards her neck. This was all she had wanted from the moment she could see that Amanda was distressed. Everything in her had been on such high alert but she wasn’t about to stop her. Not when she so clearly wanted Max to understand, to listen.
“I’m so sorry.” Amanda said again. “For everything, it was wrong. I was scared but that- “
Max squeezed her close, voice soft. “Calm down. It’s okay, I’m not mad.”
They both stayed like for quite a while shuffling impossibly closer. It was a little ridiculous both of them out in the middle of Vermont weather. Sitting on cold ground while having an entire emotional conversation in the middle of the night after far too many drinks. This wasn’t how Max pictured her night going in the slightest. But she wouldn’t change it either, she was just relieved.
“Max, are we going to be okay?”
Max couldn’t help the small smile that question brought her, Amanda was tucked as close as she could be. Her words were muffled, considering her nose was quite literally against Max’s neck. She would have to tease her about being a bit of koala but that was perfect to Max because she liked it. Having Amanda in her arms, it was a feeling she was already becoming attached to.
“More than, I promise.”
It was early morning that much Amanda could tell by the way the sun was peeking through the curtains on the window. Max’s window. Last night had been horrible and fantastic all at once. It was so hard to keep her emotions in check when she felt so off kilter. Especially when she felt like the only person she could go to, didn’t need anything more on her plate. Again, she could feel her grandmothers spoon smacking her upside the head for being so dense. She probably more than deserved it too.
It upset her that she fell into bad habits that she worked hard on to get rid of. Nothing could have prepared her for just how much Max would and could make her feel. It was new, intense and quite literally life altering. She had overthought, attached feelings to actions in the wrong ways. Made herself small for someone who gave her all the space in the world to make her own. It was a mistake she would never allow herself to commit to again. Max had earned that from her and Amanda would make sure she made it up to Max.
Amanda smiled softly to herself as she remembered where exactly she was and who she was with. She reached down to the arm that was wrapped around her middle and brought it up to her chest. Grabbing Max’s warm hand and interlocking their fingers. Her thumb idly brushed back and forth across the smooth skin. She could feel Max behind her, still sleeping, the soft puffs of breaths hitting her back. She had never felt so safe in others arms before and it wasn’t a feeling she was going to trade anytime soon.
Max had been, as she tended to be, patient, kind, understanding. Amanda had never spilled emotions out like that so freely but it had been building and festering. Once she let the gates open there was nothing stopping the plethora of feelings, she had to lay bare. Because she had not been lying last night. Max had done everything right, more than right. She didn’t deserve the treatment Amanda had unfairly bestowed upon to her, no matter the reasoning behind it. And she would make sure to remedy that from now on.
She knew she could do better, she was better and she wanted to give Max that version of herself. The one who was steadfast and sure. Knew what she wanted and who she wanted it from. It was easier when her body wasn’t out of balance but she was working on that too and she would explain that to Max once she woke up. But for now, she enjoyed this quiet moment to herself. She could feel her eyes getting heavy again, kissing Max’s knuckles as she scooted herself closer. Stomach fluttering when Max tightened her grip. She’d bare her heart out again later but the idea of it didn’t scare her as much. Not when she felt so safe in the space Max made for her.
Max didn’t want to open her eyes yet, her body comfortable and warm under her much too large but oh so soft comforter. Last night had been had been one long ride, a roller-coaster she didn’t know she was getting multiple tickets to. It had been a long while since she had dealt with a heavy outburst of emotions like that. The feeling of wanting to make everything settled and calm yet not being able to do so rattled her. Seeing Amanda in such a vulnerable state made Max tense. She had felt her muscles tighten just ready to jump for the right moment to be there for Amanda.
By the time they had made their way back to the Turtle, Safi had already been waiting by the door. Her best friends face had been a mixture of worry and concern. She had seen the way Safi’s eyes had bounced between herself and Amanda. Then down to their linked hands and she had just pulled them both in for a hug at the same time. Max had felt the soft kiss atop her head and caught the small pat of reassurance she gave Amanda.
“Go back, both of you. To Max’s place. I’ll make up some story for the others.” Safi replied, voice low.
Amanda hesitated “I gotta close up-“
“Thomas, you trust me enough with your keys? My buzz already dropped off long ago. I apparently have the worry of a mother when it comes to Max.”
That’s how they both ended up in Max’s loft, cold, tired and ready for a long night’s sleep. Max had given Amanda a set of spare clothes and waited, nearly falling asleep twice, until she had finished her shower. When she finally came out, Max had turned her head, eyes drowsy, dopey smile on her face. Amanda looked cute in her shirt and shorts. She had to force herself up and into the shower quickly before she did something dumb like kiss her.
The smell of fresh coffee caught Max’s nose relenting in opening her eyes. It was mid-afternoon, she could hear the sounds of the birds rustling between the trees. Her right arm stretched out into the empty space next to her, missing the body that had been there during the night. They had done nothing except lay close, hands held together until they fell asleep. She had warned Amanda she tended to be a space invader in her sleep but Amanda had just laughed.
Getting up Max stretched her body bones popping in new ways every day. Perks of cresting thirty soon. Shuffling into her bathroom she yawned as she stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess; her eyes were a little red from the crying last night. Freshening up was most certainly needed. She took her time washing her face, combing her hair into place and brushing her teeth. This time when she faced the mirror again, she looked like an actual functioning human.
Making her way down the stairs she was greeted with the sight of Amanda plating French toast and bacon. She was humming to herself, completely in her own world. She looked ethereal in the light coming through from the kitchen windows. Her usual immaculate space buns, were looser, wisps of hair falling out, bangs disheveled the slightest. With the way the light was hitting, Max realized that Amanda had a bit of natural red tint to her hair that stood out.
“You know there’s this little saying about how a photo would last longer than staring, you wouldn’t know anything about that Professor Caulfield would you?”
Max felt her cheeks warm at being caught but she shrugged as she walked towards the kitchen island. “Sometimes enjoying the view requires staying in the moment.”
“Charmer in the afternoon, are we?” Amanda mused. “You were still out cold, snoring by the way, very cute.” She pushed a finished plate towards Max. “Figured I’d make us an actual breakfast.”
“Pop tarts and Halloween candy not enough for you?” Max joked smiling when Amanda rolled her eyes at her. “Thank you, you didn’t have to.”
“I know, I wanted too though.” Amanda said softly, before lifting a mug towards Max. “Don’t forget your coffee, here.”
“fthk gou.”
“Ah, the very rare language of face stuffed full.” Amanda joked, fork pointed at Max. “Luckily for you I am well versed in it, you’re welcome.”
Rolling her own eyes this time Max took a sip of her coffee, humming in contentment. Nothing beat freshly cooked breakfast, especially French toast made by Amanda which was absolutely delicious. She took her time eating, every so often peeking a glance at Amanda when she took sips of her coffee. Sometimes she wouldn’t catch Max and other times they’d both smile when they caught each other. It was new. Soft. Close. But there was one thing Max had to clear.
“So, I uh, I’m just going to say it.” Max started, biting the inside of her cheek for a moment. “But I’m not a beta, you know that right?”
“What.” Amanda said flatly, eyes intently looking straight at Max. “What do you mean you’re not a beta?”
“I think it has something to do with my powers? Maybe? But my scent isn’t what most would catch on to.” Max explained, taking another sip of out of her mug she waited but it seemed Amanda was frozen. “I have really good control over it. I know that for being an Alpha it’s a little weird but I guess I understand if this changes things.”
“Wait, Max-Just.” Amanda sighed hand coming rest against her forehead. “God, I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“I probably should have said something.” Max watches as Amanda starts pacing back and forth on the other side of the kitchen island. Keep it together Caulfield.
“No, that’s, you’ve been perfect Max.” Amanda says shaking her head in frustration. “I did all that stupid shit thinking this entire time you were a beta.” She pauses this time turning to face Max, pained expression written all over her face. “My heat is coming up and they are-fuck they’re horrible. Most of my ex’s have been beta’s and none, none of them had dealt with it well… dealt with me well.”
Things were starting to come together for Max now. Amanda’s distance, the embarrassment, the avoidance. The way last night had been such an up and down experience. The flirting, the tension, the hesitance. Even Safi’s meddling added up.
“And I’m guessing you reaching out to an ex was you trying to- “ Max paused, brows furrowed in confusion. “Actually, I’m not sure what you were trying to do, Amanda. You thought I’d really treat you different?”
“I think my hormones were messing with me more than I thought.” Amanda’s shoulders slumped. “I was afraid I’d lose you. By being that way before I even really got the chance to be with you.”
“You keep saying that, being in what way?”
Amanda hands came up, frustration clear in her movements. “I get clingy and everything bothers me. Someone could just exist and I’d find an issue with it. I get hot, like that gross sticky, sweaty hot.” Max nodded and at that Amanda narrowed her eyes. “I get possessive. It’s a lot to deal with.”
“Okay.”
“I will want to be in your space, Max. All. The. Time.”
“I understand.”
“I won’t want any of my clothes because none of them will smell like you.” Amanda emphasized, tone increasing. “I’ll be moody, needy. Your bed is now my bed. Fuck- I don’t know. If I’m not sitting on your lap because I can’t get close enough, I’ll probably go feral.”
Max snorts and instantly gets up when she can see Amanda closing in on herself. She reaches out slowly, waiting for any resistance and when she gets none, she pulls Amanda’s face softly into her hands. Thumbs slowly caressing across her cheeks. Her heart tugs at watery brown eyes looking right back at her.
“I’m sorry for snorting, okay? Really.” Max says softly. “I’m taking everything you are saying seriously. It’s just that- “ Max has to look down, gathering her thoughts. When she looks back up, she has a small smile on her face. “I have a very attractive woman who I have been trying to woo for months now, telling me she wants to be in my clothes and sit on my lap.” Max knows she succeeded when a smile mirrors hers.
“Of course that’s what you get out of it.”
“I’m just being honest. I want every single part of you, even this part, if you will allow me the chance.” Max says and she means it. “Let me be the difference.”
“After everything I told you, are you sure? I want you to be sure.”
“Amanda.” Max let’s go of her face and instead holds their hands together, squeezing once. “The ex, she matters?”
Amanda squeezes back tightly. “No. Bad judgment call. Very bad.”
“And you and me, that’s what you still want?”
“I really, really do.” Amanda whispers, head leaning onto Max’s shoulder.
“It won’t happen again?”
“Absolutely, not.”
Max rubs her back softly, letting the moment sit. She wasn’t angry, she never was. Amanda has always made her feel secure whether they were official or not. They were building something good, something Max wanted to protect more than she ever has before. If anything, a part of her was livid for those who had hurt Amanda so badly that it would cause this amount of stress. To take someone who was so sure in who they were and break it down so she would doubt so heavily a part of herself that she was born with. Good things were always worth fighting for and Amanda was great so Max would go to war if she had to.
“Challenge accepted, Thomas.”
“You know you’ve been winning right?”
Max smirks. “Good to know.”
Max had spent a lot of her life learning how to be more confident in herself, who she was and what she liked. She spent longer figuring out why that had been so hard for her to find in the first place. She worked on being more assertive, making life happen rather than life just happening to her. She learned to acknowledge her strengths rather than focusing on her flaws. She took time to be kinder to herself because for a while, it was just her and her mind.
Then she had practiced each of her crafts like she never had before. Her knack for catching details where others would gloss by, she refined. Her ability to sketch what was in front of her or even just in her mind, she put more effort into. She had bought a new guitar, a much nicer one than the one she dragged throughout high school. The strings were smoother, sound fuller and more defined. It brought her calm when all she had was a storm in every thought.
Instead of being that meek girl she had grown herself into being stronger. That if she ever had to go back in time again, that her younger self could see who she was and be proud. That part of her journey had not been easy. For most of it Max thought it was a complete waste of time. But as the days rolled on and the space between her and Arcadia Bay increased, she started to see a better version of herself.
She learned how to defend herself, putting her anger, worry and devastation into a clinical routine. Max would never let herself be in a position where she wouldn’t go down without a fight ever again. That if anyone decided to underestimate her then she would gladly be their surprise. Calm didn’t mean weak. Cool didn’t mean she was incapable of fire. And her tendency to be a bit more laid back didn’t mean she couldn’t take charge. She had worked far too hard to ever be doubted again.
So contrary to popular belief, Max Caulfield under it all didn’t really fuck around when it came down to it. She’s not really surprised at where she ended up because of it.
“Hey asshole, she said back-off.”
Her fist flew faster than Max ever thought possible.