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It was a cold night as always
Well, Teacup imagined it being cold. Outside.
He didn't plan on going out. That would be too unpleasant.
But he couldn't stop staring at the stars twinkling outside the Aurora.
He imagined the distance between them, reminding himself they were even further apart than it could accurately imagine.
Inside the Aurora, things were as usual- the temperature was fine, but that didn't stop Teacup from trembling slightly, occasionally shuddering. It was fairly quiet, all things considered. But then again it was in one of the less crowded areas of the ship.
During the "day" it would have been louder, with more shouting and laughing, the occasional gunshot. But the lights were dimmed now, it was "night", and as such life on the Aurora calmed.
Teacup should have been calm. It should have been fine. Nothing bad had even happened, and yet its brain was filled with dark rainclouds.
It didn't feel loud as he was used to, he just felt overwhelmingly bad.
He could go to anyone for comfort, or to just talk.
He trusted everyone on the crew, what with having been with them so long,
There's no part of him they hadn't seen, there was nothing he had to be embarrassed or ashamed about
And yet Teacup just couldn't quite bring itself to talk to anyone. It didn't want to, is what it was telling itself.
He curled up against himself a little tighter as he kept staring out the window. He sighed as he thought about how uncomfortable it was to rest his chin against his knees now.
Really that was the best thing about flesh legs, it thinks. Not having to rest your chin against metal.
He couldn't feel his legs. Not like he used to. He'd gotten used to it, but it still felt weird if he really thought about it. Which is why he was trying not to think about it.
It kept thinking about the stars instead. How they burn so bright, how they're so far away. We never really know if a star is dying, because we still see it burning bright even thousands of years after it's burned out. Unless you're a scientist and you study that stuff, it supposed.
Burned out. Whenever those words crossed its mind they always lingered. In many ways he felt like they were the best word to describe him. But no matter how drained he was, he always somehow found the energy to keep doing something. And just that made it feel like he wasn't anywhere near burnout.
He buried those thoughts quickly, with a groan, slamming the back of its head into the wall it was sat against. Quiet, unhappy rumbles came from the ship.
Teacup mumbled a quiet "Sorry, girl" to the ship as he realized he could hear footsteps echoing through the hallway.
He tensed up on reflex. It had been ages since he had to worry when he heard footsteps, why couldn't he just fucking calm down?!
It dismissed the thought, deciding instead to look at the source of the sound.
It of course knew who it was already, no one stomps around quite like Jonny D'Ville.
Jonny's gaze met Teacup's. Jonny perked up, (just a little bit- as per usual, halfway trying to contain his excitement. This way, he gets plausible deniability, but whoever's on the receiving end still gets to feel appreciated.) Teacup however, had more of a scowl on its face than it realized.
It could tell it was scowling by the way Jonny's expression changed. To most, he would look fairly expressionless, but Teacup recognized it as a look of concern. Crap. It readjusted to turn slightly towards the window, looking out at the stars again, trying to reset his face into a more normal expression.
It's too late though, Jonny's already realized something's up, and he was approaching. He's not well known to be the best with emotions, but he sure is known to be stubborn. And it's no secret how much comfort Teacup finds in him.
Teacup shuts his eyes tight for a moment, and briefly imagines he and Jonny are two stars, reaching out to each other, both about to burn out, or maybe explode simultaneously, in a way that would result in mass death and the creation of endless new planets.
And when he opened his eyes again, Jonny was sitting in front of him.
Their eyes met again. Jonny gave it a gentle look. (Gentle compared to normal, at least.) Teacup's eyes darted around a bit, struggling to find a good place to look.
It didn't want to be the first to say anything. But it knew Jonny, and Jonny wasn't going to force it to talk. And the only thing it wanted to do less than speak up was sitting in silence.
"I'm doing fine. By the way." It said quietly, looking at Jonny's boots.
"Yeah? That why you were frowning like someone stole your favorite plushie?" He said with a light chuckle.
Teacup was about to giggle, but grimaced as the image of his plushie being stolen appeared in his head.
"Don't put that image in my head! You know I have PowerPoint brain!" It scolded him, giving him a light kick in the shin.
"You know that's not a condition!" He replied, barely smiling.
Teacup huffed, part of it wanting to smile and laugh, but a majority of it wanting to cry. "I know! That doesn't mean I don't get images in my head when people describe things to me though. Jerk."
It turned to look at the windowframe, taking note of the one welded seam on the bottom, and how it looked where the glass and the metal met.
"…Sorry." Jonny muttered after a moment.
He wasn't usually the kind to apologize, not for something so small at least, but several screaming fits and a proper adult conversation that turned into a cuddle session after Teacup entirely broke down crying made Jonny apologize to Teacup more frequently.
(He didn't start apologizing more to anyone else on the crew, after all they all knew Jonny and could tell where his intentions were. Teacup just always felt it more important with apologies than the others did. And Jonny respected that.)
Teacup readjusted to how he'd been sitting before Jonny arrived, so he was angled closer towards the first mate. It was more comfortable, after all. It opened its mouth to speak, but realized it didn't really have anything to say. Instead it just looked at Jonny, taking in the details of his current outfit.
"What are you thinking about?" Jonny asked. He'd learnt that was a good question to ask Teacup. In times like these and just in general. Always something going on in that silly creature's head.
"…The seams on the left side on your collar are a little crooked compared to the right side of your collar. Like, a little higher up?" Teacup tried to gesture what it meant with its hands.
Jonny chuckled. "What were you thinking about before I arrived?"
"Oh." Teacup said, realizing that's what Jonny had meant in the first place.
"I was thinking about the stars, mostly." It admitted.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. They're just so… So incredibly far away. And like, I'm not some kind of scientist, I can't exactly tell if a star is dying, or if it's already died. Because we still see the light, even though we're so far away. Well, because we're so far away, really."
Teacup looked out at the stars as it talked, giving each of them a proper look, dwelling a bit longer on the big ones. Why are some of them so small? It's hard to see. It's because they're farther. The big ones are closer. But still so far.
"Anything else?" Jonny asked. He tried to give Teacup a reassuring look. It didn't help, what with it still staring down the stars.
It pondered what to say for a moment.
"I mean… Nothing concrete. Lots of things in my brain, but most of them are just… Bad."
It dared to look at Jonny for a moment, to which he raised an eyebrow.
Teacup opened its mouth briefly, deciding to sigh and groan instead of saying anything.
"Bad how?" Jonny asked. He knew that was enough to keep it talking.
It took a moment for Teacup to find the words.
"Just… Not negative, or anything, nothing sad, nothing replaying in my brain, just bad. Like how you feel it in your throat or your stomach when you have a really shitty day just bad. A big lump of sucks."
Teacup shut its eyes tight, gliding its hands back and forth over its ears. The sound it made was horrible but it was the only thing it knew to do to get rid of the overwhelming distress.
Jonny put a hand on its knee. The feeling felt so alien in the moment, until it reminded itself where it was.
"Anything you need from me?" Jonny asked him. Teacup thought about it. He didn't know.
"I don't know, I just. I kind of want to not exist for a while. I kind of want to die."
Teacup felt himself frown, but Jonny on the other hand, Jonny had just a hint of a smile.
He readjusted so he could lean forward to cup Teacup's face, who looked up at him with big, wet eyes.
"Y' want me to kill you?" Jonny suggested in a low voice.
Teacup immediately looked down, avoiding Jonny's face at all cost. It played a few scenarios through its head quickly, what if it said no, or what if it killed itself alone, a few different ways Jonny could kill him…
Jonny brushed a thumb against its cheek gently.
"Mmh… Ya- yeah, yeah I think I'd like that" He finally answered, pretending really hard that every noise it just made was something it said on purpose only.
Jonny's face was plastered with a sadistic grin, and his eyes were full of love, as he let go of Teacup's face to sit down next to it. Teacup turned around in response, so Jonny could press his shoulder against its.
"Any way you'd prefer I go about it?" He asked.
Teacup considered it for a moment. He would be fine with bleeding, but he didn't want to feel the sting of a physical wound right now. Jonny had of course killed it several times before, and Teacup's favorite part was always whenever Jonny would hold it as it lost consciousness. That's what he wanted most, to slowly fade out as he was being held.
"…Can you make me overdose?" Teacup asked, turning to look at Jonny. "We have enough painkillers for it, besides it's not long until we can restock."
Teacup didn't need to justify using painkillers, even for this. They both knew it.
"What, y' don't wanna use Raph's experimental drugs?" Jonny asked, gently pushing against Teacup. It shuddered, yet giggled.
"No! I mean, not now. She can definitely use them on me later though." Teacup said with a slight blush. Jonny could only chuckle in the way he does when he agrees with someone, then he stood up, offering his hand to Teacup. "We doing it in your quarters, or mine?"
Teacup grabbed his hand, to which he helped it up. "Mm… Yours, but I wanna stop by my room to get one of my plushies."
Jonny nodded in response, and started leading him through the ship.
They didn't speak as they walked the halls, hand in unlovable hand. They stopped by the kitchen first, where Jonny started rummaging through the assortment of pills. Deciding Jonny had been looking long enough, Teacup took a glance and pulled out the right bottle instantly. Jonny then grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
They did stop by Teacup's quarters briefly. He decided to bring his white and pink plush cow, who just so happened to have eyeliner and a name oddly similar to someone on the crew in particular.
When they arrived to Jonny's quarters, Jonny guided Teacup to sit down on his bed, where Teacup decided to set down its plushie.
"Right, what d' you want from me?" He asked.
It felt a bit weird to hear, but usually when Jonny killed Teacup, it was more spontaneous. And in an entirely different context.
"Mmm…" Teacup paused for a moment, as if he didn't already know exactly how he wanted things to play out.
"Feed me the pills- I'm probably going to need the whole bottle- then just cuddle me until I die?" Teacup said. Jonny nodded.
"Need me to be mean to sell it?" He asked.
"No, just be yourself. This isn't a scene for me. It's just my boyfriend killing me to cheer me up." Teacup explained. It couldn't help but smile. Jonny nodded again.
"Get on the floor, on your knees" He said.
Jonny was- the whole moment, was eerily calm. Usually, when either of them killed the other, it was hectic, intense, full of energy. Filled with a certain need.
But this was calm. Neither of them were in a rush for anything. As if Jonny was slowing down and trying his best to be gentle. Teacup realized how much it was really just copying Jonny's energy levels. He decided he didn't mind that right now.
It got down on its knees like Jonny asked, as Jonny unscrewed the lid on the bottle.
He kneeled down in front of Teacup with the pills and the water bottle, with a look on his face that gave Teacup butterflies.
He poured a bunch of pills into his hand, and after setting down the pill bottle, gently grabbed a hold of Teacup's jaw, leading it to open its mouth. Teacup shut his eyes briefly as Jonny shoved the handful of pills into Teacup's mouth. The immediate taste wasn't entirely pleasant.
Jonny then unscrewed the cap on the bottle, pouring it into Teacup's mouth until it started barely coughing.
"Swallow." Jonny told it.
And swallow it did.
It was incredibly awkard at first- it couldn't get the pills oriented in a way that made them easy to swallow, and it almost choked a few times, but it got all of them down, leaving a bad taste on his tongue from the residue.
Jonny fed it handful after handful until the bottle was empty. He gave it the water bottle afterwards, to which it gladly took a sip, grimacing from the taste of the pills.
Meanwhile, Jonny got up to sit on his bed. Teacup got up after it got most of the taste out of its mouth.
Jonny gestured for Teacup to sit on his lap. Teacup smiled. Perfect.
It grabbed the plush cow again as it sat sideways on Jonny's lap. Jonny wrapped both arms around him, as Teacup rested the side of its face against Jonny's chest.
"You gonna make me do this often?" Jonny asked softly, placing his chin atop Teacup's head.
Teacup chuckled lightly.
"No, probably not. Mostly when I'm like this I write about dying instead of actually dying." It said.
"Really?" Jonny asked, clearly intrigued.
"Yeah, I'd show you, but I think you'd get jealous." Teacup teased slightly.
They both imagined Teacup showing Jonny one of these stories, and Jonny reading it and wanting to act it out in real life.
"I'm never jealous." He said with a slight smile Teacup couldn't see, but could hear.
"Yeeah, you're right, my bad." Teacup joked.
They sat in silence for a while. Eventually Jonny tried to get Teacup to talk a bit, to which it had asked if they could just stay quiet. And so they did.
About 10 minutes had passed when Jonny noticed Teacup's rythmic breathing had changed somewhat, seeming a bit more shallow than before. Jonny gently grabbed a hold of its chin, angling Teacup's face so it was easier to see.
He looked fine, for now.
They stared into each others eyes for a moment, and Teacup couldn't help but give Jonny a big smile. Jonny ran his fingers through Teacup's hair, giving him a quick kiss on the forehead.
Teacup was starting to feel a bit off, getting the start of a headache. It only just realized Jonny had started rocking it a while ago, and it was now making him somewhat dizzy.
He didn't want to say anything.
Jonny watched, rubbing Teacup's arm gently, as Teacup slowly got worse. Teacup could feel it as it happened.
It didn't hurt, aside from the headache, but it could tell its breathing was getting more shallow. Jonny could see Teacup's lips had started turning blue, and he visibly grimaced in rhythm with the Jonny's gentle rocking.
Teacup relaxed when Jonny stopped rocking it.
Teacup tried to readjust as he realized he wasn't sitting as high up as before, but struggled. Jonny helped him, realizing Teacup's body felt limper than before.
Teacup felt his brain buzzing, deciding to let everything else wash out, focusing only on the points of contact between him and Jonny. The fabric of their shirts rubbing against each other against Teacup's arm and shoulder, Jonny's shoulder against Teacup's head, the one arm wrapped around his back and the hand grabbing onto his waist, and the other hand rubbing up and down its arm gently.
"Love you" Jonny said, noticing how cold Teacup's skin felt and how shallow its breath had gotten.
It took a moment for Teacup to reply.
"Love you too."
Teacup couldn't tell how much time had passed,
It felt like an eternity,
And like no time at all.
Jonny sat there, with little to do except feeling things about the situation.
It wasn't his favorite way to kill a partner.
Other ways were more exciting, more fun
This for some reason felt more intense, more personal.
This is how you kill someone if they're going to be gone forever, not if they're going to be fine after an hour.
That's what his brain had decided, anyway.
Teacup could feel himself getting light-headed.
He could feel Jonny holding him.
Everything else was a little too confusing right now.
Nothing else mattered right now, so it was okay.
How long had it been?
Teacup could feel itself slipping away, slowly letting go of reality. Jonny was still holding him. It was okay. He would be back soon. He could let go for now.
Jonny looked at Teacup as it seemed to faint, breathing almost coming to a stop. He kept staring, until it seemed to completely stop breathing. It felt so cold already.
Jonny didn't want to let go. He thought Teacup might need to be held when it came back. But it was getting a bit tiring to support in its current position.
He gently laid Teacup's body down, wriggling out from underneath it, then laying down beside it, wrapping both arms around it, resting one arm on its waist, burying the other into its hair.
It took him a moment to realize how hard he was holding onto Teacup.
Part of him was maybe a little scared. That Teacup wouldn't come back.
But of course it would.
And he kept holding on,
He didn't keep track of the time
Until he felt an arm wrapping around him.