Chapter Text
Rui loves her new skirt. It's made of pink linen layered with white tulle. It's cute and puffy and long falling over her knees. It flows in the wind gracefully as she walks by, making people turn their heads because they need to watch. She's just that beautiful, of course.
Her mom took a little convincing, a lot of bribing with promises and playing the favorite daughter card, but she finally allowed her to wear something risky. She wears a beige high neck lace tiered blouse to match with her long hair, a twisted braid falling over her shoulder, and her eyebrows lined with glitter and faux white gemstones all over. Her look is free, so she must be as well.
It's a ‘Saturday date with Jiwoo and Megan’ day. The first thing they say when she appears is about how cute her hair looks. She recently became a blonde and the change was praised by all, except Haru who said she looked like a highlighter. He's always throwing insults and she has to convince herself it doesn't hurt. He is just annoying, and says as much when Megan asks about him and Jiwoo exaggerates a sigh.
“Aren't you a little obsessed with Haru?” Jiwoo remarks.
“C'mon, he's handsome!” Megan defends.
Rui softly chuckles under a forced smile.
She hates, only sometimes, Haru's disdain towards her interests. He doesn't understand that she's growing up and wants to show off sometimes; to be pretty, feel attractive with glitter and lace, and beautiful with colorful makeup. He can't stand that he's a loser who's failing school, meanwhile she's fun and has friends. They're not close anymore, he doesn't know anything about her, so how dare he speak up?
She makes some of the men in the food court turn their heads when they see her pass by, so who's the winner here?
The day passes her by and the little bug named Haru in her mind doesn't leave. Why is she thinking about him, anyway?
‘Ugh,’ Rui thinks as she walks back home after a perfectly fun afternoon with friends, ‘he's so annoying! Why does he have to ruin a good day?’ It never makes any sense.
From her pink keychain dangles a transparent resin butterfly and a photocard holder she custom-made with mom's help, her sewing machine and some red faux fur. It's pretty. It's all so cute. 'It's fucking ridiculous,' Haru's voice rings in her head again and she groans.
Rui crosses the threshold and changes into her fluffy cat slippers that are a little bit worn out after much continued use. Music loudly erupts from the living room, the sound of some band she never actually bothered learning the name of but Haru loves. The guitar sounds are grating to the ears and the singer has a bad case of raspy vocals that would strip someone of a career 5 years later. It probably happened, Haru mostly listens to old music no one cares for anymore. She can't help but frown and move with annoyed and exaggerated steps forward.
The evening’s sunshine gets in through the windows facing the backyard and highlights Haru's body lying in the living room couch, his hands extended over one armrest and his legs dangling down the other end. He sings mindless words she doesn't understand, because of the singer’s lack of enunciation. He's wearing all blacks and blues and ripped jeans he should maybe get rid of already.
"Where did mom and dad go?" she tries raising her voice louder than the music is and isn't sure it works because he doesn't move, but his eyes do focus on her. "Come on, did they go eat or to a party?"
He raises his hand with two fingers up.
She sighs. “I'll order in."
Chinese takeout is always cheap and fulfilling, Rui believes, and it's a rarity for them to have it, so she happily munches on her rice and gestures to her brother to do the same, but Haru moves his spoon aimlessly in circles pushing the rice around. Maybe she could be kinder about his angsty act if he gave her something to work with, some quip or silly one-off, but he doesn't say anything anyway. Maybe he's actually down this time.
Haru pours his rice back in the container, the heavenly silence interrupted by his movements– dropping the chopsticks and spoon on top of the plate on the sink then opening the faucet to scrub it with warm water. He's blunt with his moves and makes more mess than needed, getting water and soap everywhere.
"Can you be less obnoxious?" Rui stands beside him, holding her empty plate in front of her.
"Can you be less annoying?" Haru dryly retorts and takes the plate and utensils from her. "Go to sleep, didn't you have a great time today and shit?"
"Well, yeah!" she huffs. "Megan said my birthday could be at her place, since it's bigger and I want all my friends there.” She bites her upper lip. "Do you think dad will let me do it and stay the night?"
He sighs. "Maybe you should ask mom first.”
"Alright.”
She waits beside him until the last utensil is clean and dried. She claps and he smiles towards her with his lips closed and eyebrows raised, as if he's awaiting something. She rolls her eyes, lets an over-acted sigh out and gives him a quick, tight hug. At least it gets a chuckle out of him, so it's a success.
"Do you want to watch a dumb movie?" Rui grabs him by the hand to drag him away.
The movie isn't exactly dumb. It's worse. Haru had never heard of ‘Neighbours’, but Rui said her friend—Megan?—had recommended watching it with a beer. Haru, like a responsible older brother, doesn't let her drink alone and forces her to share, but maybe it's an excuse. The can is cold and Rui doesn't want to hold it for long because her fingers start cramping and hurting, and he finds himself smiling at her whiny baby voice when she asks for him to take it.
Eventually half the can is gone with Rui having taken just a couple sips and refusing more, disgusted with the taste, so he thinks ‘why not?’ and gulps down the rest in two swigs.
"Are you sure dad will be ok with you drinking his things?"
"Whatever.” Haru waves his fingers in the air and lets his hand fall on his sister's knee. His fingers softly move upwards just a couple inches, stop and go back down. He looks at it intently and wonders... Is this fine?
"Don't tell me you're drunk from one can," she adopts a lower tone meant to be mocking, but is raspy in the back of her throat and resonates within Haru's mind in a way that confuses him. "I thought you drank all the time with this guy—"
"Whatever,” he insists, a hint of annoyance in his voice, and looks up from his hand to her face to give her one of his annoyed looks. She pouts and sinks in her shoulders. She's too cute.
He moves up just a little bit more, sneaking a fraction of an inch to the inside of her thighs, and she places her hand on top of his. His heart jumps, finding himself rejected, but–
"Please tell me his name, if you have a boyfriend I—"
"I told you it's not like that, I don't have boyfriends,” he slurs. His head slouches to the right, leaning down slow enough for her to avoid him. Does he want her to avoid him? "Or girlfriends."
"Ugh, you're sooo popular I get it." Rui throws his hand away from her, gets up and fixes her skirt back into place. "You're annoying.” She walks away, towards the stairs.
Haru slides down the couch and shakes his body around until he's facing the sunset-reflecting ceiling. "What? Aren't you gonna watch this bullshit with me?!" Haru calls out.
"Goodnight!"
Haru can hear her smile as she walks up and away. He smiles too once he's sure she won't see nor hear him and as the minutes go by he lets his body relax on the comfortable, soft pillows. The movie playing in the background turns to white noise and starts vanishing little by little from his ears as his racing heart overpowers it.
He held her and she didn't flinch, not even a comment, not even a look. Why? How? Never before had he touched her that way. Daring, pushy in a way anyone would beat his ass over. His eyebrows deform and his head hurts as he thinks about her exposed skin over and over again, arriving at only one conclusion. He wants to do it again.
Their parents arrive the next morning and aren’t so mad at the fact Haru fell asleep on the couch after stealing a beer as they are mad at the Chinese takeout hidden deep in the fridge. Well, “they” is an overreach. Mom is mad, dad just lets her rant their ears off.
"How many times have I said you can't know what they put in these things? There's plenty left over from lunch!"
Their mom preaches while waving the takeout box in the air, showing it off like a cursed item. She has gone on this sermon about bad food habits, fattening sugars, and fake protein a thousand times before. Haru can only contain himself from rolling his eyes every time. He does refute every single point she makes, just... In his head.
"I just wanted something else and ordered, it's only one time.” He shrugs. Rui is standing beside their parents and looks at him. He looks back at her and clicks his tongue against his palate. "Anyways, was that all? I'm gonna go out with a guy."
"What do you mean a guy? Which guy?"
"This guy in my Spanish class, I think his name is Martin or something." He's already walking out.
"Keep your phone on!" She yells hoping he got to hear before being out the door. She sighs, sure he did but won't do as told.
Rui slips away to the backyard as soon as her dad turns on the tv and overexcited football casters start blasting technical terms around. She takes her phone out and looks for his chat thread. The contact name, "Haru🦊💛", was only recently changed to add the emojis. She's sure if he knew about it he'd tease her until they're both 50 years older.
'You could've just told her i bought it' she texts.
His text bubble appears immediately.
'its whatevr'
'you owe me a beer when i get back thoo,,cold one'
Rui rolls her eyes and closes the app immediately.
When Haru gets back, it's 9 PM and completely dark outside. He seems completely fine if you ignore that his breath reeks of some hard liquor and his shirt is backwards. Rui gets a whiff of it as soon as he greets hello and moves to the side, as Mom focuses on him being out late and talks his ear off, making it impossible for Rui to get a word in if she wanted. ‘Doesn't he know it's dangerous when it gets dark? Has he learned nothing from her?’ Just like before, everyone knows this script too. She threatens to ground him for a month and stop his allowance. He walks up the stairs tipsy and disinterested, and she follows.
Rui sits in the living room and doomscrolls TikTok as she occasionally looks up and hopes Haru will be walking down the stairs any moment now, unbothered as usual. For whatever reason a little voice in the deepest part of her brain says that he needs her and she should at least try and reach for him. Like a premonition, or a reminder that what's happened before will happen again. Whatever that means. But he doesn't come out and she doesn't go looking.
‘Did she take your money?’ she texts. And waits for him to start writing back, because he always does. Immediately.
..
…
Nothing.
Mom comes back down soon enough with her hair tied up and a different short-sleeved shirt on, prepared to finish cooking dinner and meal prepping for the week which she asks Rui’s help for. She happily does.
Haru only comes back out an hour after that, wearing different clothes that don't stink.
They sit together at the dinner table, Mom and dad on one side, son and daughter on the other and they eat in silence until Dad makes conversation. Talks about a coworker of his who's trying to set up an independent new bar and wonders if it's worth investing in. He tries to get Haru's attention and to say something, an opinion or a quick jab, whatever works to know he's there and listening.
He sighs, "whatever you want is fine.”
Mom joins in and starts talking about smart investing, about involving her brother, and eventually changing the topic.
Haru checks out and absentmindedly lets his hand drop from the table onto Rui's thigh. She looks over at him and frowns wordlessly. Haru's hand is warm and disgusting and when he squeezes her leg it makes her feel weird, no further introspection needed, so she pokes at it with her fork and laughs when he recoils wearing a grin that turns into a pout because of her mockery.
Mom laughs without really knowing what's so funny. Dad sits on the couch and turns on the TV.
December arrives and Rui asks about her birthday party. She feels silly but relieved when her parents say it's fine to do as she wishes, even moving up the party date by 2 weeks just so it doesn’t get lost in between the holidays. Their princess deserves her own weekend, so Sunday the 14th it is. Save the date! Their only condition is, of course, no alcohol. She laughs like it's obvious and hugs them both, assuring them that's an easy ask. After all, she's turning 15. Alcohol at this age is ludicrous, who would give her alcohol?
Haru arrives late and hammered to the party. He said he was gonna be there at 8 but it's now 11. The gifts have been opened, there's no more strawberry cake, and most of the guests have left already. Their dad boxes up leftover pastries and Rui places every last plate and glass in the dishwasher to start the cycle, and avoids the desperate sinking desire of hugging and hitting him simultaneously when he finally does approach her.
He tries explaining that he got held up by someone but it feels bitter in his mouth when the words come out, like it's a known lie at this point, something she maybe knows already because she interrupts his excuse-filled non-apology.
They're alone in the kitchen now, dad is finishing up the living room and the music has died down. He smells gross again, like burnt grass and twigs at the side of the road, and it fills the room. She wonders if he feels any shame, and if he should feel even more.
"It's not a problem. It’s not even my actual birthday." Rui doesn't want to show hurt so she acts annoyed, inconvenienced even. Mom is already not with her because she felt sick and he was already not riding with them to the party because he 'was busy' with god-knows-what. Excuses, lies. He so-not wants to be part of her life. She wishes he could at least be upfront about it. "You rather get drunk with your friends, it's fine.”
"No, look, no—" Haru stops himself and silently screams, keeping most of the sound trapped as a small, high pitched screech that hurts the back of his throat. And breathes. "I'm sorry I missed it.” He pushes himself way too close and holds her by the arms. Gently brushes up and down the sheer sleeves as he searches for her gaze. "I got, look, I got you a gift, look.” He takes from his pocket a small turquoise box with a tiny bow on top. "Please take it—Please, please forgive me," his words slurs out like there’s smoke trapped in his throat.
She meets his eyes finally and takes the box, her hand trembling. Haru wants to die because her eyes look so pretty with light blue makeup and highlighter, her lips plump and glossy and alluring. He's sick in the head. He needs to die. But he doesn't want to when his heart races again once she opens the container and smiles at the sight of a beautiful silvery necklace that's now hers.
"Haru!" She gasps and holds the pretty butterfly gemstone in her palm. She can't fight back the biggest smile, that which she's mentioned her hatred for time and time again. It's pretty, Haru wants to say every time. "What?!"
He laughs quietly and feels enraptured by the glow in her eyes and curve on her lips. She's like magic. And dumbly, he takes the chain to unclip and put it around her neck. She holds her hair up to make it easier and his mind jumps to her neck, her collarbone, the curve of the bone as it goes down her shoulder. His face is too close to hers, and his fingers shake just enough to make the process of uniting both ends of the necklace that much slower.
"You're so dumb," she laughs.
"You're technically 15 now, you, you can say ‘m a dick." He looks into her eyes, almost perfectly in line with his if not for a few inches she lacks but could compensate for with high heels.
"Dumb fuck," Rui drags the 'ck' sound, and watches his eyebrows perk up and look at her in fake outrage. She laughs harder and her smile doesn't fade after that.
Finally he locks the chain and lets her fix the gemstone's position. He pretends he doesn't focus on her mouth, and stupidly drags his hands down her curves until he reaches her hips. She holds him by the shoulders, scared he's falling down and needs the support, that's why he's touching her, but after a couple seconds realizes it's not the case. They're just... Too close. Too much.
"Why did you even drink so much?" She murmurs. His breath reeks. She can almost taste the alcohol level.
Haru shakes his head. "Nothing." His hands travel upwards her waist and back. "You're pretty. So, so pretty," he mumbles like it physically hurts. "Does any guy ever tell you that? I'll—'ma fight them, I promise."
"I'm so pretty and popular, you can’t even imagine." Rui smiles tenderly this time, and shrugs, proud of her charm. Keeping up the game. Because it's a game. It has to.
Haru's heart breaks all over again. "I'll fight them all."
Their dad drives them back home and helps get Haru to his room. His dark grey, deep blues room, like his hair ever since summer break. Pristine and yet devoid of personality. It looks even worse with the low light emitted by the lamp at his bedside table. It's all so… dull.
Dad wishes Rui a good night and leaves the room. Drunk Haru isn't something anyone wants to deal with, not even his friends if her memory serves right, but she can't live with the thought of leaving him unattended.
He's dead weight while attempting to take his fake leather jacket off, so she gives up and goes for the shoes instead. That's enough to barely wake him and make minor movements with his arms. He mumbles incoherent words, moves like he's swimming through jelly, and doesn't let Rui do her job.
"Stop drinking. I'll destroy every last can in the world, I swear to you," she growls as she fights with one long sleeve to get his arm out of it.
"C’mere." He wraps his arms around her waist and yanks her into the mattress with him.
She faintly yelps. There's barely a second of complete suffocation that Haru experiences under her body, and she panics and tries to, at least, slip uncomfortably to the side and lie with her left arm stuck between them. She feels him snuggle in her stomach and hide under her fluffy white jacket. Her heart might as well jump off a cliff the way it's rushing and burning her down from the inside out. It needs something to put it out.
"Stay," he whispers and wiggles closer to her, "with me."
She's not supposed to, but she wants to give up. Maybe she finally feels pity, probably recognizes how much of a disaster he is and wants to comfort him. Is it so?
"Haru, stop." Rui holds down his shoulder and pins him back on the bed. He doesn't fight at all. He's soft and weak like he's never been in front of her, the display trying to melt her away and force her to give in. Thing is she may really, truly want to. "You know, under this light, even you could look handsome." Jokes, they're easy and helpful when emotionally conflicted. It's proven by the silly laughter Haru’s barely lucid mind lets out, so she forces an awkward laugh as well, but there's no momentum for it. Silence comes quickly.
Lampshade isn't great for details, but she holds on to his half open eyes and dumb lips moving without forcing out sound. Under the terrible lighting, she sees him and wonders about that feeling in the mouth of her stomach, if it has a name, or when it first appeared. It's not brand new, not exactly old, and she's forced to hide it from everyone, from him, especially from herself. But in a moment like this, with his hands groping at her hips, with her fingers caressing his face, with his eyes not actually looking... Would it be allowed? Can she look at him like that?
She forces herself out of that road because she's going too fast and can't afford crashing. Not now, nor ever.
Slipping from his grasp is easy. It's dumb. She could've freed herself at any moment. She's never this dumb. His pathetic sounds of misery force her to remember who she is, who he is, and why she would never be permitted such thoughts.
"You're impossible. I hate you."
He weakly cries out once more. "No… Stay…”
Rui fixes the loose hair on the right side of her face, very much frustrated and done. He's pathetic, he's always been pathetic. Such an older brother.
"Have a good night.” She turns the switch off to leave him in complete darkness and walks out, not caring for the whimpering and begging.
She's exhausted after hosting a party, she deserves a glass of water and sleep, not to take care of a whiny-baby brother that can't even keep a promise and instead makes her consider stupid scenarios she won't ever name.
The kitchen is lonely at night. She must know, she spends a lot of time there organizing and cleaning. So she walks, spinning the pendant in between her index finger and thumb, from one side to the other while reminiscing about the night. About the fun. Her friends. The food she barely nibbled at. About how upset she was when Haru arrived late and immediately gave her a lovely present. It's so Haru to mess up and immediately find a solution. Why does he do it? Is it fun for him? Is it just his charm?
She gets a cold water bottle from the fridge and sits at the dinner table, letting her body relax and her feet rest on the fluffy slippers. She wants to think about it all, but is threatened by the peeking image of Haru begging for her to stay. She doesn't want to go back to that moment or consider anything. She has to bury it and look for excuses. Haru drinks too much, is never on time, fails his classes, is probably not going to university and won’t amount to anything. Unlike her. She has a future, she’ll be a dancer or a singer, an actress, a star, someone worthwhile and someday she’ll forget about these vapid feelings. About these empty moments.
Her mom walks into the room and her smile hovering over Rui is felt even under the night kitchen light.
"How was the party, sweetheart?" She asks.
"It was great. Muti brought the cake her mom promised!"
"Ah, good. Was it yummy?"
"Very,” she replies without thinking, but can't backtrack once she realizes she didn't actually try it. It's ok anyway, because mom approved of that cake. She'd be happy still.
"And Haru?" She pauses for a second. "Did he arrive?"
Rui slowly nods in a circle, lagging behind in her thought process. "Ah, yes, he did, he—” She coughs, interrupting herself and course correcting immediately. Saying he was drunk wasn't a good idea, he's in so much trouble already with their dad that mom would kill him or let him be grounded until he turns 21. "He got me this.” She holds the butterfly pendant in her fingers.
The woman leans in to get a better look and spends a couple seconds in silence before putting on a smile. "Ah, that's beautiful! I'm so glad, princess."
Mom wishes her goodnight, plants a kiss on her forehead and leaves quickly after. Rui stays at the table trying not to think much, instead gets lost in the reminder of friends and dance until she finishes the bottle and washes and fills it again with new water to be cooled. The low temperature emanating from the fridge forces her back to Haru's warm touch sliding up her back and then down again. His growly voice asking her to stay. His eyes completely out of it.
On the way back to her room, she stops at Haru's door and for some reason wants to go in again, finding within her no valid reason as to why. Maybe to make sure he wasn't choking on his own tongue. Maybe he was still moping like a loser. Something, something good enough to delude herself. Something that clearly said why he needs her to be there. Anything.
Her hand doesn't get any closer to the door handle, and she stands there for what feels like forever but may actually be 5 minutes until she arrives at the same conclusion she did 10 minutes ago. It's dumb to be grappling with nothing feelings and nothing thoughts. She spins in place and opens her door.
Next morning Haru is wearing a turtleneck and is quieter than usual, even for a hangover. Rui wonders if he's angry at her for not staying, but he smiles when she pinches at his side and makes him notice she's wearing the necklace again. He acknowledges it by nodding and takes a long gulp of his coffee. It seems like it’s enough to keep him smiling and, if anything, feign happiness until they jump on dad's car.
They’re both in the backseat, separate at first but slowly growing closer as Haru moves holding his phone out with a paused TikTok on screen. Rui curiously leans in and plays it. A red wearing influencer explains his DIY choreography to a ridiculous meme song that she immediately falls for, moving her hands in the air, loosely following the steps.
“Wait, go back.” She pauses the screen and scrolls to get a second look. He softly chuckles and lets her be, learning this stupid dance he almost swipes over.
A moment passes. His eyes jump from the video to her face and focus on her the rest of the drive.
She pretends she doesn't notice his gaze nor his free hand resting on her lap. His fingers sliding down her thigh, then sinking in between her legs. Never too close, never too far.
She's always in a skirt, he thinks it could be so easy. And she doesn't stop him when he pushes further, when his fingers hide under the cloth and bump into her panties.
Her mind goes blank, her hands stop in space and slowly go down. She gives him a quick look he doesn't get to reciprocate because instantly she looks for their dad, who has his eyes fixed on the road and mumbles some song playing on the 80’s themed radio station. The TikTok starts playing again, but she doesn't follow along anymore. Too much noise. Her breathing is buried under it all.
Haru pushes a fingertip against the soft fabric, slowly up and down, and she makes herself smaller in the seat.
Her breath quickens and tries her best at keeping it at bay, not letting too much out, not making a sound. She grabs him by the elbow and Haru stops, thinking it a signal, but she… doesn't push him away. With her free hand she swipes up the timeline, a song starts playing and his finger rubs up and down over the panties, sinking in between her folds, like he's encouraged to. There’s a loud exhale and a sharp inhale. She swipes again and he imitates.
Rui might've died on the spot if their dad didn't speak up about their arrival. She scrambles quickly, pushes the door open and gets out of the passenger cabin before he could wish her a good day. Fixes down her skirt and bounces from one foot to the other. She needs to stop it, this throbbing, this burning inside. This…
Haru steps beside her.
“What the heck...” Rui whispers, not sure who it's aimed at.
“I'll send you the video if you want” Haru takes out his phone. Nonchalant.
She laughs breathlessly and nods. Yes. Of course. The video.
"If you actually learn it, teach me, ok?"
"Sure!" She laughs again, louder this time, and takes her phone from her jacket's pocket. "Why not?"
It’s fine. Everything is ok. Could anyone who ever existed think she is not the most okay person right now?
Her phone meows, announcing a text, and she opens it.
'here. brain rot youself'
She giggles and as she walks, writes back.
'Hey hey I just remembered! What is a 67?'
She hears Haru's laugh a couple steps back, and spins around with a happy smile on her face, hoping he sees. Nothing to see here.
Oh God.
What the fuck? What the fuck? Haru slams his door behind him and thrashes his backpack against his wall. Fuck. What the fuck.
He couldn’t look her way on the ride back home. He couldn’t breathe her way on the ride back home. The one thing in his head was Rui, but he couldn’t stand her because he felt her warmth whenever she spoke, under him, thighs encasing him, inviting somehow.
His fingers tingled the whole day and he considered getting some matches and burning them off. He probably should. He should probably burn down all of himself just for safe measure. That way he would have no chance, that way it would all probably stop. Maybe. Would it stop? Would her… Would they…
There’s a knock on his door. He doesn’t want to open. He’s not in the mood, he couldn’t possibly—
“Haru,” his sister’s muffled voice calls from the other side.
Somehow that’s comforting and soul-destroying. The fact that it's her and she's looking for him. Why? If he ignores her will she go away? He’s stationary and counts the seconds in his head until he gets to 7 and there’s a new series of knocks.
“Haru!” She calls out again, lingering on his name’s last syllable for a while. “I’ll stay here all night I promise!” She teases with a sing-songy cadence that usually pisses him off. She loves doing that, he’s told her to not, and to do it now…
He takes a deep, slow breath in. Air stops getting into his lungs but he maintains that stance for a couple seconds and then lets it all out. He wishes he could reset just like that, but sadly the static still loudly overwhelms his head. To compute is difficult, but if there’s one thing he’s sure of even with the sludge in his head, is that he does not want Rui in his room. His room is cursed. Only bad things can happen in this damned box.
1, 2, 3. He turns around and gets out the door, sliding through enough of a crack for only 1 person to pass through, and closes it quickly behind him.
“Hey—I wanted to get in.” Her shoulders fall and immediately she pouts. She’s playing, Haru notices. Is this a joke to her?
“What do you want?” he asks, cold and dry, although she already said it, because he wants an answer he can work with, not that one.
“To get in,” she urges him anyway, “Come on, can we—”
He cuts her off and rests his back against the door. His hands hidden behind him still hold the handle like it’s a lifeline. “Fuck off.” He’s never this dry to her and he watches her notice, finally, his distance.
Her eyebrows jump and twist inwards, confused or hurt, genuine or not, he doesn’t know.
“Why are you being so mean to me?”
“Look—”
“No, you look!” She sinks her fingertip in his pec and pushes him back slightly. “You touched me, and now—”
Oh my god!
He jumps at her. “Shut up, shut up!” His voice is heavy and low even though he wants to scream. He can’t. He won't listen to her. He pushes a hand on top of her mouth and walks forward, forcing her to move with him until they hit the other side of the hallway. Her door. Her head bumps into the wood and lets out a small muffled sound. Haru doesn't care for it. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
He senses both corners of her mouth curve up and is forced to see her. To finally, truly, see her. His baby sister.
It's not only a stupid game for her, it's something she's trying to make happen. She's edging him on, so isn't this all her fault?
Haru doesn't know what he's doing when he relinquishes his body weight against her and his belt brushes against the tiniest bit exposed of her skin. But she immediately whines, vibrations that get sent through his palm, and travel up his hand, through his arm, torso, and down. He knows where. He lets out a gulp of air he didn't realize he was holding.
Fuck. Fuck. His head closes in the gap between them, their foreheads don't touch yet but he so badly wants to make more of them connect. Fuck!
“Haru,” her voice makes it through high pitched, unsure, but inviting. “It's fine.”
Haru looks into her dark eyes, sinks into their color, gets lost. His sister. Rui.
His left hand hovered over her hip for a while, but with that, he finally has the push he needs. Immediately, his fingers search for the skin under her blouse. She loves wearing those sheer pieces that force her to wear a crop top under. Mom always says it's wrong, and he has to pretend he's never looking, that he doesn't care. That he doesn't want to tear it all off. His fingertips touch the soft skin of her belly and slide upwards, under the fabric, under the top, and feels Rui push against him, giving in to the touch like she's saying he should get more.
He exhales softly, his chest burns and grants him agonizing pain, and he wonders if hers feels similarly. Her breathing has fastened, so it should. It spikes for both of them when Haru arrives at her bra and slides his hand over it, cups it, closes his fingers around the small mount that's barely covered by lace, no padding, and pushes against it. Why does she have one of these? What would she even use one for?
“Fuck,” he moans, his lips brush on top of his own hand. They're so close their noses brush once or twice, they can feel each other's hot breath and their heavy but repressed groans and grunts.
“Haru,” she chokes out, high pitched, needy. She raises her left leg in between his, and her thigh bumps into his crotch. He grinds against her once and his hold over her lips loses strength. She whimpers again.
There's a sound downstairs that completely throws him off. Her mom's voice resonates, complaining about something they can't quite understand, and Haru freezes. He waits for anything indicative of her knowledge of this behavior. Like it could happen. Mom always knows.
Suddenly he's pulled by the hand into the now open room in front of him. He doubles over as he goes in, forced by his sister's minimal strength. She giggles when he exhales in surprise, so amused by his very-unlike-him behavior. He's tough and stoic, sometimes giving, but never this agitated.
“So jumpy,” she mocks sing song-y again as if nothing happened. “Since when?”
Haru looks at her. Looks behind her and around her. He believes he can even look at himself from far away.
His sister's room is full of life, pink and white, baby blues and yellows. Her curtains are drawn, allowing sunlight to engulf her from the back like an angelic halo. A couple steps behind her is her bed, covered with 2 pillows and a dozen Sanrio plushies of various sizes. That's his sister. She's small, cute, colorful, and pure. He's gonna tarnish her, just like he was. He's gonna wreck her if he isn't stopped.
“Well?” Rui tries again. She's still smiley as ever, not one hair is ruffled, not a piece of clothing displaced. “Do you hate me?”
His gaze drops to her chest. Where his hand was. How could he ever hate her if he wants to be there again?
“I would never.” It hurts to speak. It's like he's been screaming for hours and now his throat is raw, so it doesn't even sound like him anymore.
“Haru…” She starts a sentence she doesn't know how to end. She lingers in the open air, her lips separated for a while, as they both wait, and wait. She sighs. “I'm making this difficult, right?”
He shakes his head slowly.
“It's my fault this is difficult,” she persists, ignoring his motion. “It’s my fault you feel bad.”
“Oh my god.”
Exasperated, Haru finally walks, no, sprints for her. One hand on the back of her neck and the other on her hip. He forces her to walk backwards until she bumps into the bed and falls on top of it, him going down along, doing his best to avoid hurting her with the chain attached to his belt or his bodyweight at all. He sinks one knee on the mattress and positions himself on top of her just so he's perfectly aligned again.
“Can you stop?” Haru is too close again. Middle finger on her nape, thumb caressing the angle of her jaw, and his hand around her hip immediately searches for skin. He just needs to feel her. If he can just touch her, he doesn't need to go any further. He will be fine.
A second pases.
“Can you kiss me?” she lets out softly.
He exhales in shock. No. No.
“Rui.”
“I want it to be you,” She tries to raise her head and close the gap but he moves away. They look into each other's eyes, desperately looking for the same emotion in a sea of mixed ones. “Please.”
No.
His thumb lines up her jaw line until it can't anymore. He looks into her eyes for any signal that he shouldn't. That he couldn't. But every noise he ever heard flooding his mind isn't enough to quell the sound of his sister begging for a kiss.
He holds her cheekbone and sinks an elbow deeper into the covers as he positions himself, and kills the distance.
At first their lips just push against each other and wait for the seconds to pass by. They both hold their breaths, they both feel tense like a string being pulled in two different directions.
Rui is like the hand with the scissors that cuts the thread without warning. She places both hands on his face, exhales and pushes further, moving her inexperienced mouth against her brother's and parting her lips hoping he'll do the same.
It's soft, and wet, and Haru does his best to snap out of this spell Rui has placed on him. She fixes her grasp down his neck, one hand has her index finger brushing against the lobe of his ear and the other slides up through his coal back hair and blue highlights. She envelops him, asking permission to take more.
He recedes for a second only to re-connect hungrier than before. His lips move slowly, deeply, taking the breath from her lungs and mixing it with his. So wrong, so completely fucked. She's slow and insecure so he takes more and more as time passes. He wants to consume her, he wants her lips to never forget his taste.
He's her first kiss. He kisses her again. Third, fourth. She lightly taps against him and he completely devours her again and again.
“Haru,” she moans. She gives up one of her hands and drops it to the mattress, immediately looking for one of her plushies, which she grabs by the paw and squeezes. “Ah!” She gasps in between kisses. It's too much. She wasn't ready for this, and now she's burning up. It's hot everywhere. She raises her knees and closes in around her brother's body, like she's never gonna let him go again.
He feels heavy. He's too heavy. He's gonna hurt Rui. He has to get out. He has to move and stop it. The hand in her face goes down to her neck and lightly presses his index and thumb around her windpipe. He'd never hurt her. He just—
“Please,” she moans again. They're both unsure as to what she means. Stop? Continue? Go further?
Haru grinds in between her legs, his chain brushing against her inner thigh. Her leg rises once more and drops to the side and he fixes his position to rub himself right against her panties, finding a rhythm he times with the kisses, her moans, and his sighs.
“Rui,” he growls. He can't keep going. He's gonna ruin her. He wants to completely destroy her.
“Ah!” Her voice comes out loud this time and there's a sharp inhale that pierces their ears.
Haru forces himself to stop, he hides his face on the angle between her neck and shoulder, and falls completely still. Rui's chest jumps up and down as she tries her best to regain control over herself. As the high and the tingling arousal in between her legs feels lied to. The sudden stop feels like a stab to her.
“I'm sorry.” Haru sounds small, terrified. His lips are right against her shoulder. He enjoys being there, he wishes he could kiss her exposed skin and get under her clothes just so he could taste more. Her lips, her neck. He wants to go down and find her bra again, but he can't trust himself that he wouldn't go further.
“Haru,” she whispers. For what it feels like the thousandth time this day, his name rolls so perfectly from her tongue. From the lips he wants to taste again until dawn comes. “Thank you.”
They stay in silence for more than 10 minutes. Rui eventually lets go of the Kuromi plush and instead envelops him with her arms. Her fingers carefully brush against his back in slow half-circled motions that he's weak to and tempt him to stay.
He somehow gathers the strength to move a couple minutes later. He has to maneuver himself out of her bed, because he's still in between her open, inviting legs and he can't… He won't.
He gets up and fixes his pants. Shakes himself awake and away. Takes a couple deep breaths, brushes his hair with his hands, anything that’ll help him look and feel normal. He can't. Not with a lucid mind. Not when Rui is still one step away from him.
“Can we—” Rui tries to speak, finally. She's quieter than ever, sweet, maybe afraid. She's trying to connect, he needs to sever that line.
“I'm going out,” he says, louder than expected. It shuts Rui up immediately. He doesn't even try looking back. “Don’t wait for me for dinner.” He walks out.
Rui stays in bed. She looks up to the ceiling and then tries rolling her eyes to keep the unexpected tears at bay, but they pool until, quietly, they roll down her face. Why does she feel wrong? She needs Haru back so her heart won't hurt anymore.