Chapter Text
Semi’s relationship with food is not great. That was not the case until Semi was twelve.
Before that, Semi ate whatever there was in the house. The only reason she would go to family events was for the food. She would eat a whole cake and still feel extremely hungry. Semi was always playing outside with the other kids that lived in her street, watching cartoons, coloring, and snacking.
But all that changed. With middle school being the time where girls go through the most changes and finding out the beauty standards in South Korea.
During P.E., the class was instructed to run a mile. While running the mile, Semi was out of breath, her legs felt like they were going to collapse, and she was feeling nauseous. Semi was the last person to finish the mile, much to her embarrassment.
When the girls finished changing out of their gym clothes, Semi decided to look at her self in the mirror. She grasped at her stomach to feel how much flabby it was. Then her arms, legs, face. She saw how much athletic the other girls were, she sobbed wishing she had their body.
After that day, Semi began to participate in extreme diets, exercised for two hours almost everyday after school, she began to lose some weight, it motivated her to continue the routine. Semi feared that if she stopped, she would lose all that progress. Although she was loosing weight, her performance in school was dropping rapidly due to focusing less on studying for tests.
One day, she failed a test on her favorite subject. She was angry at herself for that and binged on foods she was supposed to be avoiding. After that was over, Semi hated herself for caving in to eating those foods again. So she went to the bathroom and forced herself to throw up by sticking her fingers down her throat until there was nothing left to vomit. Since then, she would do that whenever she binged or ate the food she wasn’t supposed to eat.
Semi was now living in an apartment with five other friends she met during her time in university. They were, Kang Mina, Park Minsu, Son Gyeongsu, Choi Subong, or Thanos, and Kim Namgyu. Despite the fact that they were all friends, Semi found herself closer with Minsu and Mina more than Thanos, Namgyu and Gyeongsu. The reason possibly being that her and Namgyu argued with each other a lot in the beginnings of the group’s friendship or because her, Minsu and Mina shared the same class together.
On weekends, when everyone is off from work, save for Namgyu who works at night, they would always go hangout, whether it was the mall, bowling, clubbing at Namgyu’s job at night, sometimes eat.
Semi lays awake at night as a result from barely eating anything all day. She struggles to stop thinking about food and to go to sleep. Everyone is asleep right now and Namgyu doesn’t get off of work until 4 in the morning due to working at Club Pentagon, Thanos is probably performing his songs over there, which he does that a lot. Semi’s phone says it’s 1:59am.
It won’t hurt to just eat a little treat, right?
Semi arises from her bed, walks quietly to the kitchen, and opens the pantry to see what she can eat. I shouldn’t be doing this, I’ll regret it. Semi thinks.
She finds nothing in the pantry, much to her relief and her annoyance. No junk to put in her stomach. She makes one’s way to the fridge to see what there is. Her eyes narrow to the grapes in a container.
Grapes won’t hurt, they’re low in calories. She’ll just get a handful and then put them away. She takes a handful out of the container and savors the sweet flavor of the purple grapes, which in Semi’s opinion, are better than the green grapes.
Semi grabs another handful, then it turned into another, then another, until she suddenly stops to realize how much she ate. Three fourths of the grapes inside were gone.
It was only supposed to be a handful.
And all the bad thoughts start to flood in her brain.
You’re a failure, you don’t have self control.
You’re gonna gain 20 pounds from eating almost all of the grapes. Better go burn that off with 3 hours of exercise.
All that sugar, disgusting bitch. Don’t bother eating for two weeks at the minimum.
She felt gross from eating grapes. This was far from the worst binges she had. A binge she had was months ago:
While the others had went to a restaurant, she bailed out from going, using the classic ‘I’m sick’ excuse. In reality, she didn’t want to go because the restaurant had a large quantity of unhealthy options, not even salad was a choice from all that dressing on there.
But at home, Semi ate 2 bowls of Gungjung Tteokbokki, some fried chicken, a tub of ice cream, almost an entire pack of Oreos, 5 Bungeoppangs, a whole plate of donuts. She ate even though she was full, even though her stomach was fucking hurting. She didn’t care. She would rather be alone stuffing herself like a fucking pig, than be at that damn restaurant where other people could see her doing this. She made herself throw up, like she always did ever since middle school.
Semi sprinted quietly to the restroom and closed the door as silent as she could. She elevated the toilet seat, fell to her knees, stuck her fingers into her throat, and threw up the chewed up grapes in the toilet. Semi could feel the tears from her eyes running down her face. She thinks all this could’ve been avoided if she controlled herself with food when she was a little girl.
It was hurting her throat, her chest hurts, her teeth feel numb from purging. But hey, they always said beauty is pain, right?
Her thoughts came to a halt when she heard someone yelling at her.
”Semi, what the fuck are you doing?!” It was Namgyu, must’ve got off work early. He stood there with his eyes widened, he was taken aback by what he just saw.
Semi quickly stood up and closed the toilet seat, stuttering her words “I-I was just n-not feeling w-well.” She responded, as she looked down at her feet, not wanting to face Namgyu.
“What kind of person who isn’t feeling well puts their fingers in their mouth to force themselves to throw up?! Now tell me what you’re really doing in here!!” Namgyu yelled
”A lot of people do!! Mind your fucking business, and go back to making out with your boyfriend!” Semi snapped, then she walked to the door and attempted to close the door in his face, however, Namgyu pushed it back open.
”Are you purging?!” He interrogated, pushing the conversation.
“No!” Semi answered quickly, her voice cracking. Namgyu pushed Semi aside and opened toilet seat, revealing chewed up grapes. “Quit looking at my vomit!”
”More like ‘grapes I chewed and spit out right after’, why are you doing this?!” Namgyu screamed, demanding answers.
“Why are you concerned about my problems when you are the one smoking cigarettes and taking drugs literally everyday?!” Semi hollered, taking the focus off of her purging situation. She is sobbing now.
“OH YOU WANNA GO THERE BITCH?!” Namgyu hollered back, he grabbed the collar of her sweatshirt, ready to punch her. She tried to get his hand off of her shirt. They continued to yell at each other, until…
“ENOUGH!!!” Thanos roared, pulling back Namgyu, while Mina pulls Semi away from Namgyu. Minsu and Gyeongsu, both barely awake, are watching the fight at the bathroom door.
“Tell everyone what you’ve been doing in the bathroom!” Namgyu yelled.
“Don’t listen to whatever he says, he’s lying!!” Semi sobbed. She’s trying to get out of Mina’s grasp. What would Mina, Minsu, Thanos, and Gyeongsu think of her if Namgyu spits out what she was really doing? She never told anyone or hasn’t been caught before. Would they hate her? Be disgusted of her? Be scared of her? Her throat hurts from yelling and purging. She’s choking on her sobs. She’s a mess.
“Both of you!! Knock it off!” Thanos demanded. The area went silent, save for Semi sobbing and Namgyu’s heavy breathing. After a while, Mina and Thanos let go of each of them. “Semi, what did Namsu mean when he said to tell us what you’ve been doing in the bathroom?” Thanos asked in a tone that was contrasting from Namgyu’s.
Semi is now faced with telling everyone the truth. Everyone was staring at her, waiting for her to speak up. She looks down at her feet to avoid those gazes and with her jaw clenched. She doesn’t want to deal with their concerned looks when she tells them. She wipes her tears away from her face. “I don’t know.” She whispers.
“Okay.” Thanos said. Then he turned to Namgyu. Semi wants to scream at him to not say a word. To put her hand over his mouth to prevent him from saying anything. But her body feels paralyzed in contrast of her brain. So she waits for Namgyu to blurt out her secret, accepting that there is no stopping him.
“Namgyu, what did you mean by that?”
Namgyu starts to speak, “I opened the door to see her sticking her fingers in her throat, with the toilet seat up. Semi was purging her food out. I think….. she has an eating disorder.” He spoke in a serious tone, which was rare for Semi to hear, she normally hears him in a giggling tone when he’s high or an angry tone like earlier. Was he concerned about her?
Gasps were heard between everyone else, processing everything Namgyu just said. Minsu walked up to Semi to give her a hug, and that made her break.
Semi suddenly walked out of the bathroom, ignoring everyone else’s concerned and shocked gazes, to her room, and slammed the door, locking it as well. She walked to her bed to lay down, she sobbed and sobbed. All her friends now knew about her eating disorder. Her walking out just told everybody that Namgyu was telling the truth.
She screamed in her pillow, furious that Namgyu told everyone, furious that he didn’t knock, furious at herself for forgetting to lock the door, furious at herself for binging, furious at her parents for not telling her to control herself with her eating habits, furious at the beauty standards in South Korea, furious at herself for everything.
She continued to sob until eventually she cried to sleep, hoping this was some horrible dream she can’t get herself to wake up from.
Semi’s eyes fluttered open, she stretched to wake up. Then she remembered what happened last night, her getting caught purging, the fight, the argument, and Namgyu telling everyone that she has been purging.
She didn’t feel like getting up, it was all too much. She’ll just stay in bed all day today. It was Monday tomorrow, might as well just rest for the week.
Everyone ate breakfast in silence. What happened last night still floated above everyone’s heads. Mina was staring at the empty chair that was supposed to be Semi’s spot. She never came.
“So I guess Semi’s not coming or she’s still asleep.” Mina broke the silence. The rest of the group looked at Semi’s empty chair.
“No she’s definitely up, she’s just not coming to eat.” Namgyu corrected.
“When should we talk to her?” Gyeongsu asked.
“When she’s ready, or we should let her talk to us first. After what happened last night, I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t come out at all today.” Minsu explained.
Thanos was picking at his food, and was unnaturally quiet. It was unknown if he was sober or something was really on his mind. He wasn’t the only one doing some thinking.
Mina is thinking about memory one and a half years ago of which she should’ve seen the signs while the others are talking.
Mina is on her phone, waiting to take a shower. They had just came back from a waterpark where everyone smelled of chlorine and needed an immediate shower. Semi went first because she had beaten everyone to the shower.
Mina checks her phone to see how long it has been, almost two hours. Two hours and Semi was still in there. Was she a neat freak or something? Maybe she’s out and someone else had gotten in before she was reminded. Sounds like something the boys would do. Especially Namgyu.
She checks the living room and sees that all four boys are there in the couch, yet in their swim trunks, on their phones.
“Yo, Is Semi out yet?!” Thanos impatiently asked. Mina shook her head, which all the boys groaned.
“Tell that bitch to quit hogging all the hot water. You women and y’all’s obsession with long ass showers.” Namgyu grumbled.
Mina rolled her eyes at that statement. “You men and y’all’s rage when your favorite team loses” She shot back, then walked to the bathroom to see if Semi is okay.
She knocks on the door. “Yeah?” Semi’s voice is heard. Mina sighs in relief that Semi didn’t slip and bust her head.
“Semi are you almost out, it’s been almost two hours and we need to get in, you know.” Mina asked
“Yeah I’m almost out.” Semi replied.
Mina notices slight cracks in Semi’s voice, like she has been crying, whatever she doesn’t want to push it, then Semi gets mad at her. “Okay. Please hurry.”
She should have taken this as a sign that Semi wasn't really okay.
“Do y’all think the reason Semi takes 2 hours in the shower is because she’s throwing up in the shower to?” Mina asked then she continued without the boys to answer her question. “I’m just saying because I’m thinking about all the times Semi showed the signs and we didn’t even know what she was going through.”
“I remember when she would always say she feels cold even though it would be like fucking 32 Degrees Celsius outside.” Namgyu pointed out. It was one of the symptoms he remembered of an eating disorder.
“I looked up the symptoms of an eating disorder. I can read them to yall.” Thanos said, while reading out the symptoms.
“Remember when she began to buy Tums? It was probably because she had acid reflux even though she barely ate spicy foods.” Gyeongsu noted.
Semi came back from the convinence store, having bought snacks for the group for movie night. It included popcorn, Airheads Xtremes Rainbow Bites for Subong, Oreos for Namgyu, All Pink Starburst for Mina, Hot Cheetos for Gyeongsu, and Buldak Ramen for Minsu.
As Gyeongsu and the others got their snacks, Gyeongsu looked to see what Semi got, and it was Tums?
“You didn’t get yourself a snack Semi?” Gyeongsu asked, as he opened his bag of Hot Cheetos.
“No, I needed some Tums, I have heartburn.” Semi explained, as she put a Tum in her mouth.
“We could share our snacks with you.” Gyeongsu offered his bag of hot cheetos to her.
“Who is we? I am not sharing my Oreos with her!” Namgyu clarified.
“It’s okay Gyeongsu, I really don’t like spicy food. And I’m not that hungry anyway.” She said, as she went to sit down by Mina to wait for everyone else.
That was weird, Gyeongsu thought, as he moved to avoid Minsu and Thanos fighting over the microwave with buldak in Minsu’s hands and popcorn in Thanos’ hands.
He should’ve noticed that something was wrong.
”Semi would use an excuse to not go with us whenever food was involved.” Thanos said
”She would always say she’s craving a food almost everyday whenever we would talk about food. But when I said to go get it, she would say no. How did we not notice she was suffering?” Minsu mentioned and was filled with guilt.
Everyone sat in silence, they saw all these warning signs and didn’t even reach out to her….
Namgyu himself doesn’t know what it’s like to suffer from an eating disorder, but he knows what it’s like to have a family member suffer from an eating disorder. His little sister, Youngmi, endured a binge eating disorder. Where she would eat large amounts of food in a short period of time even though she was full. But unlike Semi, she wouldn’t purge it out. She also had a fast metabolism, so she wouldn’t gain any weight.
He went on his phone to look up the different types of eating disorders, when he saw Binge Eating Disorder, he was frightened to see how much the symptoms fitted what Youngmi was facing.
When he went to tell their parents about it, they wouldn’t care, because she wasn’t obese like many binge eaters also because they were negligent. That’s why he got him and Youngmi their own place, until Youngmi moved out of course.
One day, he saw Youngmi putting dish soap on some cookies that he had bought like two days ago. She said it was to control herself from eating all of them. That was when he realized she needed help. He took her to CBT-E so they could help.
At first, she didn’t talk to the therapist. She felt like they wouldn’t understand because they never experienced it. So Namgyu offered to put her in Group Therapy with people who also experienced Binge Eating. At first she was reluctant, then she felt like it would be for the best.
Although she would relapse sometimes, because recovery isn’t a straight line. She’s doing okay now. She always texted Namgyu telling him she didn’t binge and she was eating in moderation. It made him proud, even though he didn’t show it.
Even if him and Semi didn’t really get along and she probably has hatred towards him. He wants to help with her disorder.
Although Namgyu’s little sister was lucky to find recovery, Subong’s older sister, Jungsoon was too late, as she died from her eating disorder. She was in college already and she and Subong would not text eachother as much due to her being busy with her schoolwork, he wished he texted her more. Subong got home from school with his parents sitting on the couch, looking sullen.
He asked what was wrong, and they delivered the news that would haunt Subong forever.
“Jungsoon died in her dorm at university.”
They performed an autopsy on her and her cause of death was from low body weight. She rapidly lost weight by barely eating anything, and exercising so much. He heard that she was afraid of gaining weight in college that it was the reason she started to do this routine.
Her death affected him so much, that he began to take drugs to cope with the loss, something he swore he would never do. He would write songs about her to cope with it too. He wouldn’t perform them, due to them being extremely emotional, he doesn’t think he can perform them nine years later either.
Now it was happening again, but this time, his friend was suffering from the disorder that took his sister away from him. He didn’t want that to happen again, he didn’t want to experience another death in his life.
It’s been three days since the confrontation occurred. Semi still hasn’t been able to talk to none of them. She just goes to work and pretend that nothing happened. After work, she goes on a run to attempt to get her mind off of things and also to avoid having to talk about her problems with her roommates. She has unread messages from each of them on her phone.
During her run, she notices a car that she recognizes, Minsu’s . He pulls over next to Semi and rolls down his window to reveal his face to her.
“If there’s anyone else in the car, I’m not getting in.” Semi states.
“I promise it’s just me. Get in the car. We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready.” Minsu says. “Please?” He added, with a pleading look in his eyes. Semi knows she should say no, but what she can’t admit is that she missed Minsu. She gets in the passenger seat of the car and they drive off.
The drive is silent for the most part. Semi just looks out the window, admiring the city and homes. She wishes it would be like this forever, to not worry about anything.
“I’m sorry.” Semi says, interrupting the silence of the car drive. Minsu turns his gaze to Semi.
“For what?” Minsu questions.
“For not telling you, or anyone about my problem. I struggled with this ever since I was twelve, I would see my classmates skinnier than me and that would make me feel fatter than others and uglier than others. Even then I would still see people skinnier than me. I really do need help, but I don’t know how to let others help me.” Semi explains.
“Semi, you don’t have to apologize for anything. Do you think that I would be mad at you for not telling me something that is personal to you? Or any of us in that matter? “ Minsu asked,
Semi sighs, then states, “I just thought you would be scared of me.”
“I’m not scared of anyone who needs help. Especially you. You are one of the best people I have ever met. You’re beautiful, smart, sassy, kind, helpful and you have a good sense in fashion. No matter what problems you have, you are my best friend. I would be happy to help you battle your issues with food. I’m very sorry I didn’t notice that you were struggling.” Minsu explained.
“Oh my god Minsu, you’re making cry in your car right now with those compliments.” Semi wiped those tears away. Minsu extended his hand to Semi’s, which Semi accepted, and squeezed it.
“You’re my best friend too, Minsu, and thank you for offering your help.” She thanked. She was so grateful to have a friend like Park Minsu. Now she needed to face the others.