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He couldn’t remember when he had stopped loving him, or when he had started feeling uncomfortable in the other’s presence. It had been a creeping process, like a barrel that was slowly filled up with water until it was about to overflow. There was an aching pain in his chest, a shortness of breath every time he had to look at him, a discomfort that he had never experienced before. He felt trapped in his own home, in his own body.
Kim Kibum was in a relationship he didn’t want to be in, a relationship he continued not out of love, but out of fear of being alone. Ever since puberty he had never been alone, jumping from one relationship to another, never reflecting on the past, never overthinking his actions. His relationships were mere habits, something he had gotten so used to over time that he couldn’t imagine living on his own anymore. Sharing his life with someone had stopped feeling special and had turned more into a tedious routine he had to run through every single day; like brushing your teeth or tying your shoes on your way out.
“I’m going now,” Kibum called over his shoulder into the empty corridor, kneeling down on the floor in an uncomfortable position to put on his boots.
“’kay, when will you be back?”
Kibum heard the sound of footsteps coming closer from the kitchen and a second later a head peeped out from behind the doorframe. Kibum still remembered why and when he had fallen in love with that sleepy face. It was while visiting a night club in Gangnam with his fellow students from university. But lately, no matter how hard he tried to think about it, he just couldn’t remember when his heart had stopped beating faster while looking at the figure who shared this apartment with him.
“I don’t know yet. I have classes until six and wanted to go to the library afterwards.”
He got up from the floor again and reached for his black bowler hat from the small white dresser next to the entrance and placed it onto his head, checking his reflection in the mirror above the dresser to look for the perfect fit.
“Mmh.”
The response was little more than a hum and Kibum turned his head to see his boyfriend, now fully visible, leaning against the doorframe, wearing a white T-Shirt, light blue-white checkered pajama pants and holding a white coffee mug in his hand. It had ’for the world’s best commander’ written in black bold letters on it. Kibum forced himself to smile before he grabbed his brown leather shoulder bag from the floor and went over to the front door.
“I might not be home when you get back. Captain Song invited us for a gathering at the barracks tonight.”
That was typical. Even though he was on vacation all he had on his mind was his job and anything related to it.
“Oh, that sounds nice.”
That was a lie. For Kibum, everything that had even remotely to do with the military was absolute nonsense. His boyfriend had taken him to one of his comrades’ gatherings once and it had been the most awkward experience he had endured in his entire life, resulting in him being reluctant to ever join any of these meet-ups again. Even now he sometimes wondered why he had ended up with someone who worked for the military. His twenty-one month mandatory military service after his first year at university had been dreadful and he had sworn to himself to never speak of the military again. That was until he had met Lee Jinki at least; an aspiring, diligent Lieutenant at the Republic of Korean Armed Forces headquarters in Seoul.
“Yeah…it does, but I probably will be home late. So don’t wait up for me.”
“Okay, then have a nice time. Talk to you later.”
With that last statement Kibum was out of the door; without a proper goodbye, without a kiss, without anything.
That’s how all their conversations went lately; short and plain. But to be honest, Kibum didn’t know what to talk about with Jinki. It seemed like they lived on two completely different planets. Sometimes they spent hours without saying a word to each other, Jinki reading a book on the couch and Kibum watching shows on TV next to him. Even though they were in the same room their minds were a million miles apart. It might be normal after the honeymoon phase was over and normality had crept its way into a relationship that partners couldn’t spend twenty-four hours a day with simply holding hands and smiling at each other like lovestruck teenagers, but Kibum was convinced that this couldn’t be the type of relationship someone would strive for. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with someone who read books about artillery and the history of wars, and placed rifle bullets of different sizes onto their bookshelves in the living room. He wanted his mind to be stimulated with ideas, different ideologies, and theories. He wanted to talk about humankind, the universe, evolution, religion, literature and music. Wanted to find out what made life worth living.
Being with Jinki didn’t satisfy his desire of sharing knowledge anymore, or if Kibum was honest with himself, it never had. In the beginning of their relationship it had been a huge turn on for Kibum to be with Jinki who was so different from himself. Kibum had lived by the proverb opposites attract, like it was some sort of religious cult, and had sincerely believed in it. As thrilling as it had been to see two different worlds clash against each other, it had gotten tiresome and exhausting with time. In Jinki’s world everything had to be strictly organized and follow a specific structure, while Kibum was a free spirit, living every day as it came. How contradicting it was then, that this free spirit let himself be trapped by the only structure he had in his life.
Kibum saw himself as a globetrotter, a bon viveur, a restless soul wandering aimlessly around earth to find its purpose in life. He had been travelling a lot before he had met Jinki, but his passion for travelling had been forced down by the other’s domestic spirit. Jinki didn’t have the desire to travel. He liked Seoul and was convinced that, ‘It had everything one needs in their life, so why would anyone want to travel somewhere else?’.
One of his closest friends, who knew about his decreasing feelings towards Jinki, often asked him why he didn’t just end the relationship if he was unhappy with it, but it wasn’t that simple. If you had been together with the same person for almost three years it wasn’t easy to let go of the things you were so accustomed to, especially if one was afraid of loneliness.
Another crucial factor was financial dependence. Jinki earned good money in the military; he paid for the rent and bought nice things for Kibum. Things Kibum would never be able to afford himself as long as he was a student with a minimum wage part-time job. He had become so used to this lifestyle other university students could only dream of that the thought of giving this all up scared him. He didn’t want to live in a dirty dorm with thin walls and loud students, and he also didn’t want to buy cheap instant ramen because he couldn’t afford more expensive food. It was a luxury problem, but for Kibum who liked nice and pretty things, it was all the more reason to endure this long dead relationship so he could maintain his current lifestyle.
Kibum came home that day after ten, kicking his shoes off at the entrance and throwing his hat onto the dresser. He was exhausted and all he wanted to do was to take a shower and go straight into bed afterwards. So when he walked into the bedroom half an hour later, wearing a black T-Shirt and red checkered boxer shorts, drying his dyed blond hair with a towel he didn’t have much on his mind except for a deep rooted desire for sleep. The apartment was completely silent and he savored the feeling of being alone at home, the soothing feeling of not having to deal with Jinki tonight. He could just go to sleep without having single-word phrased conversations and awkward goodnight kisses before bedtime.
It was a few hours later that he was woken up by a pair of arms that slung themselves around his waist and a nose that nuzzled his hair. A disconcerted grunt left his lips and his hand automatically reached for his face, rubbing his eyes.
“What’s going on?” he mumbled drowsily, eyes blinking in the dark, his body shifting on the mattress. It was pitch-black and all Kibum could see were the red digits of the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was 02:32.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.”
A wave of alcohol and kimchi saturated breath swept over his face and he screwed up his nose, not liking that combination at all.
“But you did,” Kibum huffed softly, desperately wanting to go back to sleep.
There was a moment of silence and Kibum already thought that Jinki had fallen asleep when the other suddenly inched closer, a hand clumsily moving from Kibum’s stomach down to the rim of his boxers. In an instant Kibum was wide awake again, his hand shooting down to Jinki’s, holding it in place.
“Kibum, I’m horny.”
He always was after spending an evening with his colleagues over a few beers and some bottles of soju.
“But I’m not in the mood. It’s after two am. I have classes in a few hours. Let me sleep.”
With that Kibum removed Jinki’s hand, moving a few inches away from him to underscore his point. He could hear the other sigh before he felt the mattress shift under Jinki’s weight.
“You are never in the mood,” was the last thing Kibum heard before the bedroom fell completely silent again. Jinki was right. They hadn’t had sex for weeks. Due to the fact that intercourse with Jinki had started to feel more like an obligation rather than an enjoyment, Kibum’s interest in it had gradually dropped down to zero. It wasn’t that Kibum disliked sex, he loved it, but sex with Jinki had become boring and predictable. He knew when and where Jinki would touch or kiss him next, could tell by Jinki’s breathing when he was close to coming. He didn’t like that kind of routine, but also couldn’t bring himself to spice things up by trying something new.
In the beginning he had tried to breathe new life into his love life by taking advices from articles on the internet and by bringing different kind of toys home, but all his attempts had failed miserably and by now he had accepted the fact that he would continue to have a boring and unsatisfying sex life for an uncertain amount of time in his life. He had often hoped that Jinki would end the relationship to make it easier for him to get back on his own two feet, but no matter how repellent and cold he acted Jinki always stayed his calm self, cherishing the ground Kibum walked on. Apparently he still really loved him.
“Have you ever thought about a change of scenery?”
“What do you mean?”
Kibum queued at the food distribution of his university’s canteen while his friend, Taemin, who was standing in line behind him, took a bowl of rice from the counter and placed it on a brown tray he held in his hands. Kibum had met the younger one during an introductory class on English literature during the Victorian era in his freshman year. Taemin had been thirteen minutes too late and had sneaked into the lecture hall as quietly as possible, sitting down on the first empty seat available, which happened to be next to Kibum. They quickly had become friends, sharing an interest in English literature and alternative music. Even during his time in the military they had stayed in contact and had seen each other regularly during Kibum’s vacations. This experience had made them almost inseparable over the years and Taemin had somehow become the person he could talk about everything with.
“You are unhappy, right? Why not leave Seoul for a few weeks and take a break from everything. Semester break would be a good time for that. Maybe going somewhere else will help you to clear your mind,” Taemin stated matter-of-factly, thanking the woman behind the counter for giving him a small plate with kimchi.
Kibum contemplated Taemin’s words, stepping over to the beverage dispenser to get a bottle of water.
“That’s not even a bad idea.”
“Do I ever have bad ideas?” Taemin nudged him into his side and threw his blond dyed hair back theatrically, helping himself to a bottle of apple juice before both went over to the cashier.
The canteen was filled with a lot of students, so they had to look around for a while before finding two seats available at the very back of the hall. Taemin stopped shortly on their way because he wanted to greet a fellow student from his French class. When they finally sat down Taemin immediately elaborated on his previously stated suggestion, opening his apple juice bottle while doing so.
“Did you take a look at the English department’s bulletin board lately? There was a poster advertising summer schools for four weeks in London, Dublin, and Edinburgh, including a language course and cultural program. There are still two weeks left to apply for it. If you get one of the spots, the university even pays for accommodations and the language course, so you only need to pay for a flight ticket and take some money with you for food and such things. I think it’s a great opportunity for you to break out and it looks good on your résumé as well. I would apply myself, but I already booked my flight to Japan and don’t want to cancel it.”
Kibum listened attentively, picking up some kimchi with his metal chopsticks and shoving it into his mouth.
“This sounds too good to be true. There are probably hundreds of students who apply for these programs, and besides, I have to work during the weekends.”
“Oh, come on, you should at least try it! You have nothing to lose! And about your job, just quit it. Working in a coffee house isn’t that fulfilling anyway, right? You will find a new part-time job in no time when you get back. Come on, Kibum, don’t be a party pooper!”
“But what about Jinki?”
“What about him? I think you can’t stand the sight of him anymore. Maybe creating some distance between you and him will help you to realize that you should finally end this hopeless and unhappy relationship. You are dating him for how long now?”
“Almost three years,” Kibum mumbled, taking a sip from his water.
“Three years and you have been a walking wreck for at least half of that time. That can’t be right, can it?”
Kibum knew that Taemin was right. In theory, everything always sounded so easy; just break up with him and move on with your life. He had been on the brink of packing his bags and leaving Jinki more than once, but had never gone through with it in the end. Something had always held him back and it made him insane to realize that he didn’t have the power to do anything about his own irrational behavior.
“I’ll think about it,” was the last thing Kibum said before he changed the focus to a different topic.
When Kibum received an acceptance letter in his mailbox four weeks after he had decided to apply for the summer school program after all, he first couldn’t believe his luck, reading the letter in his hands over and over again. The first person he texted about the good news was Taemin who seemed even more excited about it than Kibum was. He couldn’t believe that he was going to London, a place he always had wanted to visit.
“I was accepted into the program,” Kibum stated later that day when Jinki came back from work still dressed in his camouflage uniform.
“Accepted to what program?” Jinki had to squat down to unlace his high black leather boots, eyes shortly looking up to Kibum before wandering back to his shoelaces.
“That summer school program in England I told you about a few weeks ago. I received an acceptance letter today,” he explained, waving the letter in front of Jinki’s face.
Kibum heard a low ‘Oh’ coming from Jinki’s direction and when the older one looked up Kibum knew that the smile on his boyfriend’s face was fake.
“That’s great. Congratulations!”
It was politeness and not sincerity that came out of Jinki’s mouth in this moment, and even though Kibum was aware of that he couldn’t do anything about it. When Jinki got up and gave him a hug, Kibum automatically stiffened a little, not able to relax into the other’s arms like he used to.
“When are you leaving?” Jinki inquired. Kibum felt Jinki’s arms squeeze him just a little tighter, making it harder for him to breathe.
“The course starts at the beginning of August, so I plan on leaving at the end of July.”
“But that’s in a few weeks!”
“Yeah,” was all Kibum replied, going to the kitchen and scanning the letter in his hands once again.
There was so much he wanted to see and do in London, the excitement making him almost forget his boyfriend who had followed him.
When two toned arms hugged him from behind he tried not to flinch, the head that settled down onto his shoulder making him uncomfortable.
“Just thinking about you being gone makes me miss you already,” Kibum heard the other say before he felt the gentle touch of a pair of lips against his temple.
He used to feel his heartbeat quicken whenever the usually tough Jinki whispered sweet things into his ears, but now he felt absolutely nothing. His feelings were dead…just like the relationship he was in, and no matter how often he thought about it, he couldn’t understand why he was the only one who realized that.
[Act One]
’The University of London was founded by Royal Charter on 28 November 1836 and is the third oldest university in England’ Kibum read in a colorful pamphlet about the history of the University of London while patiently waiting in the anteroom for a consultation at the university’s international office. He wasn’t the only one there, two other students with big suitcases sitting right next to him. Both animatedly conversed in a language Kibum assumed was Spanish or maybe even Portuguese, so he sat silently on his chair, browsing through all the pamphlets and flyers which were displayed on a table in front of them.
Kibum had received an envelope in the mail three weeks before his departure with all the documents he had to bring with him to England and with information on where to go after his arrival in London. His flight with Air China from Seoul to London had taken almost sixteen hours with a stop in Beijing, and when he had finally arrived at London Heathrow airport it was eight in the morning, and due to a really bad headache he hadn’t been able to enjoy his first few hours in London as much as he would have liked to. He had still been in a state of disbelief when he had travelled into the city center by bus, watching the gray sky from his window seat. Everything had seemed so different, even the color of the grass.
At the consultation Kibum was greeted by a young and enthusiastic student assistant who explained to him everything he needed to know about his stay in London and who happily answered every question he had. He received an orange folder, including his class schedule based on an online English test he had performed while still in Korea, a brochure with information on the different cultural events that would take place in the next few weeks, details about the dormitory he would stay at, and even maps of London, the tube and different bus timetables. He was a little overwhelmed by all the information he received and sometimes he had to ask the student assistant to repeat something again, because she spoke rather quickly and Kibum didn’t catch every word she said.
Before he left she explained the route to his dorm in detail, encircling his current location and his destination with a red marker on the map of London and telling him that the housekeeper of the dorm would hand him over the keys when he arrived there. The dormitory was only ten minutes away by foot so he decided to walk there, pulling his black suitcase after him.
London looked so different compared to Seoul; the design of the buildings, the markings on the street, and the cars driving on them. Kibum fell in love with the red brick houses right away, because he felt like they told him stories of a different bygone time. On his way to the dorm he passed a pub that looked rather welcoming. The name of it was written on its black lacquered door in gold lettering, with pink and purple flowers displayed in front of yellow tinted windows. It looked so charming that he made a mental note to go there in the evening to dive into English pub culture.
His dormitory was a six story building on Charlotte Street, its exterior design looking far more modern than the buildings he had seen on his way here. He was a bit disappointed at first, because he had dreamed of an old building with the charm of the nineteenth century. However, his mood was uplifted again when he walked up to the stairs of the dormitory entrance and two young women who stood in front of it to take a smoke greeted him with a welcoming smile, asking him where he was from and showing him the housekeeper’s office. His room was on the fourth floor and he was glad that there was an elevator for him to use, so he didn’t need to carry his over twenty kilos heavy suitcase up the stairs.
The corridors were long and looked oddly sterile, the walls consisting of eggshell painted brick with little black and white marks at knee level from people dragging their suitcases along the walls. He found his room after a little detour, walking through a bright yellow door and looking curiously around at his new home. The room was not bigger than ten square meters and was equipped in a very spartan fashion. In the hinder part of it was a small uncomfortable looking bed with white bed sheets on the left and a dark wooden table and a chair on the right, leaving very little space in between. There were two shelves over the table and a small fridge that made a lot of noise beneath it. Kibum sighed when he turned to his left to see a small washbasin and a mirror hidden in a corner, two cupboards hanging above it. He didn’t need to live here for the rest of his life he told himself after closing the door behind him, pulling his suitcase over to the bed. He examined the hardness of the mattress with his hand and screwed up his nose in discontent when he could feel the coil springs under his fingertips after pushing it a little, already imagining the backache he would get from sleeping on there for a few nights.
“Stay positive, Kibum”, he told himself encouragingly and walked over to the window which was located right next to the bed and glanced outside through the pulled down metallic pleated blinds. He looked straight at another building that was even higher than the one he was in, leaving him a little disappointed.
The first time he thought of Jinki was when he lay down onto the mattress, staring at the white ceiling above him, fatigue slowly creeping into his flesh and bones. All the trouble he had to go through to get away from him, Kibum thought to himself, slowly massaging his temples. He should call Jinki or at least text him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so just yet. He still hadn’t turned off the flight mode on his phone after landing, not wanting to read any messages Jinki might already have sent him. What was a physical distance of over five thousand miles worth if he didn’t dissociate himself from Jinki mentally as well? He wanted to use the time he had in London to find himself beneath a layer of doubts and fears, wanted to go back to the light-heartedness he once had known so well.
Kibum woke up when a loud group of people walked along the corridor in front of his door, laughing and joking around. He blinked, needing a few seconds to realize that he was in a small room in London and not in his apartment in Seoul anymore. He slowly sat up and checked his phone for the time, noticing in surprise that he had slept for over eight hours. It was past nine in the evening and the people he had just heard in front of his door were probably on their way out for a drink. He drowsily rubbed his eyes and yawned loudly, running a hand through his disheveled hair. He felt groggy and tired, but didn’t want to go back to sleep yet. It was his first night in London and he didn’t want to spoil it by not going out. The first night in a new city was always the most memorable one, wasn’t it? So he stretched with a loud sigh, got up and walked over to his suitcase, opening it to look for his dopp kit and a towel. After his long journey he felt gross and dirty and hoped that a shower would give him new energy.
Unfortunately the washroom was a mess. The shower curtains looked like they had been hanging there for twenty years already, hair lying around in the outflows, empty shampoo bottles stacking up in a corner because people had been too lazy to throw them away properly. Kibum didn’t even dare to look at the toilets. It was the first time he reconsidered his decision to run away from Jinki by leaving the country for a few weeks. He couldn’t remember having showered any quicker before in his life and was relieved when he could go back to his room only a few minutes later. It was a mystery to him how people could be so inconsiderate of others and not clean up after themselves when using shared lavatories.
After getting dressed in black ripped jeans and a red white polka-dotted shirt, he put on a denim jacket and placed a black beanie onto his head, being too lazy to do anything with his hair that night. With a last look into the mirror he put on his black boots and grabbed his shoulder bag from the floor, leaving the room soon afterwards to head over to the pub he had seen earlier on his way to the dormitory. The air was fresh and cool outside when he exited the dorm and he took a deep breath, a smile appearing on his face. ‘Life is good’ he tried to convince himself as he walked down the street with light steps.
The pub was less crowded than Kibum had expected; some people who appeared to be students sitting at some folksy tables, laughingly drinking their beers while a bunch of older men sat at the counter and drank their beer in silence, some of them playing cards. There was a small stage in one corner of the pub with two elderly white-bearded men sitting on it, one with a violin and the other with a banjo. They played lively folk music while the one on the banjo sang along to the songs, the students in the pub encouraging them by cheering loudly.
Even though he wasn’t alone in this pub, Kibum felt incredibly lonely because he didn’t know anyone. It would have been nice to have Taemin there with him. He was good at making friends with his cheerful personality. Taemin probably would have walked up directly to the students without any inhibitions, but Kibum wasn’t that extroverted. Instead he decided to walk over to the counter and order a Landlord Pale Ale after asking the bartender for recommendations, sitting down on an empty bar chair at the counter. His ale tasted hoppy and malty with some floral hints and a sweet bitterness at the end. He had never drank anything similar in Korea and enjoyed this new flavor, giving the bartender a thumbs up after he had asked Kibum if he liked it.
Kibum turned around on his barstool when he heard a sudden increase of volume coming from one corner of the room, the group of students he had seen when entering the pub all shouting ‘Jonghyun! Jonghyun! Jonghyun!’ in unison while clapping their hands. His eyes curiously wandered over to a man with brown tousled hair whose back was turned to him and who stood up from his seat and gestured for the others at the table to calm down again.
“Okay…okay…I’ll do it…I’ll do it…but please shut up!” Kibum heard him say with a laugh. His hand reached out to grab a guitar case that was placed against the wall and conjured an acoustic guitar out of it a few seconds later. The group cheered for him when he placed the guitar strap around his shoulder and went over to the men on stage, listening to what they played before joining them with an improvisation.
‘His smile is cute’ was Kibum’s first thought when he was finally able to see the man’s face, the man excitedly playing along to the song he heard. He was dressed in a white T-shirt, a black vest and black skinny jeans, some leather wristbands adorning his wrists. It was a simple outfit, but Kibum liked it.
Kibum had been fascinated by musicians all his life; starting from idolizing Korean pop groups as a kid to worshipping Nirvana and their lead singer Kurt Cobain when he had gone through a bad case of teenage rebellion. There was just something alluring about men with guitars that appealed to him.
When the song was finished the students in the corner applauded vociferously and shouted ‘Encore, encore’ over and over again, causing the young man whose name was apparently Jonghyun to go closer to the men on stage, talking to them for a moment. What they talked about Kibum couldn’t hear, but the two only nodded with a smile, giving Jonghyun a thumbs up. He stepped onto the stage then and waved at his friends with a laugh. The folk singers moved aside, gesturing at Jonghyun to go up to the microphone in the middle of the stage.
“Yahh….shhh….,” Jonghyun shouted towards his friends, holding his forefinger in front of his mouth, signaling them to be quiet. They all seemed quite tipsy already, Jonghyun included.
“These lovely gentlemen have allowed me to play a song for you. Thanks for that,” he smiled and turned to the men next to him, bowing his head slightly. “If it’s okay with you I would like to play a song from my home country, Korea. It’s called naneun nabi which translates to I’m a butterfly. The song was originally performed by a very well-known rock band in my country. So, thank you for listening,” Jonghyun explained shortly, his voice sounding strangely charming in Kibum’s ears.
Jonghyun cleared his throat, strummed the strings on his guitar once and then started to play. The students instantly started to shout when Jonghyun began to sing, a thankful smile appearing on his lips. Without wanting to Kibum’s legs bobbed to the rhythm of the music, his lips mouthing the lyrics. This guy’s voice was really good; smooth like velvet and therefore completely different to the rough and deep voice of the original singer. But that wasn’t a bad thing at all. It was nice to hear his mother tongue again after having only used English for a whole day. It was a feeling of familiarity probably only known by people who had stayed outside of their home country.
When Jonghyun was done performing Kibum clapped louder than he had intended to, causing Jonghyun to look in his direction for a moment. When their eyes met Kibum instantly averted his gaze and devoted himself to gulp down the rest of his ale in one go before ordering a second one. He thanked the bartender for a new glass and took a swallow right away, wanting to drown that embarrassing feeling of being caught while doing something stupid. He didn’t even know why he felt so ashamed. His clapping hadn’t been too enthusiastic, right? Besides applause was the best reward for every musician so that guy named Jonghyun should be thankful.
“Where are you from?”
Kibum was startled when he was asked a question in English a few minutes later, noticing in shock that it was the Korean guy with the guitar after he had looked up.
“South Korea,” he automatically answered in English, inwardly hitting himself in the head after realizing that he had just addressed another Korean in English.
“Really? That’s awesome!” Jonghyun exclaimed in Korean, hitting Kibum playfully on the shoulder, making him sway a little on his bar stool.
Jonghyun didn’t even ask if it was okay for him to sit down next to Kibum, he just did and ordered a beer.
“Man, it seems like I haven’t spoken in Korean for weeks…I thought there were a lot of Koreans in London, but probably they are all hiding from me,” he prattled on, having an almost childlike grin on his lips.
Kibum just nodded with a forced smile, taking another sip from his ale. The magical aura Jonghyun had had on stage earlier was now slowly fading away and a seemingly hyper person revealed itself in front of him.
“Are you an exchange student or something?”
“Summer school program. I’m only staying for four weeks. I arrived today,” Kibum replied briefly, shaking his inner introvert to act more friendly towards the other.
“I see. That’s cool. I guess you have quite the jet leg then, huh?”
“I’m a little groggy, yeah…but I’ve slept for eight hours so I’m okay.”
“Why did you choose London for a summer school program?” Jonghyun appeared to really want to make conversation, asking question after question and ignoring the fact that Kibum hadn’t asked anything in return yet.
“I’ve always been a fan of London,” was Kibum’s short answer.
He could have told Jonghyun that he was in an unhappy relationship and that he wanted to find himself again by escaping his boyfriend, but that might have been too much information for a stranger to know so he kept it simple. Jonghyun nodded in response and then both of them fell silent, drinking their beer. After five minutes of not exchanging any profanities Kibum coughed slightly, turning his head to Jonghyun.
“Why are you not going back to your friends?”
It was a question that had wanted to escape his mouth for the past minutes of awkward silence. Jonghyun looked first at Kibum and then turned his head in the direction of his friends with a smile.
“Them? They’re not my friends. I’ve only met them today. They are tourists from the United States. They moved into my hostel this morning and asked me to go on a pub crawl with them. Since I’m alone in London I said okay…and here I am, talking to you!”
A contagious smile appeared on Jonghyun’s lips that even made Kibum smile a little. Somehow Jonghyun reminded him a little of Taemin, both of them had disgustingly positive attitudes toward life that Kibum couldn’t really relate to. He was more of a pessimist, believing that everything in life had its price.
“Want to get rid of me?”
“It’s a free country, so you can sit wherever you want to,” Kibum stated soberly, swinging his glass around a little, making the ale fizz.
“True.”
There was silence again and Kibum really didn’t know what to think of the guy next to him. Didn’t it feel awkward for him as well? Jonghyun played around with a coaster, flipping it from the corner of the counter and trying to catch it midair with his hand.
“What are you studying back home?” Jonghyun didn’t even bother to look up at Kibum anymore, concentrating on the flip motion of the coaster in front of him.
“I’m doing a master’s degree in English literature.”
“English literature? That sounds cool, but what do you want to do with a degree in English literature?”
Kibum hated that question with a passion. But that was the price he had to pay for deciding on studying humanities. People could never imagine what people did with their lives if they didn’t study something that led to a specific job like doctor, lawyer, or architect.
“I have several things in mind,” was therefore Kibum’s answer who swallowed the last bits of his drink and asked the bartender for the bill. He didn’t feel like drinking anymore. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. He had read different guidebooks in preparation for his stay in London and wanted to see several places before his classes started on Monday.
“You want to leave already?” Jonghyun straightened up next to Kibum, watching him in bewilderment.
“Yeah.”
Kibum looked through his wallet for the right amount of money, still having difficulties with converting pounds into South Korean won in his head.
“Hey…wait, I’ll come with you,” Jonghyun called after him when he was about to leave, making Kibum turn on his heels in confusion. Why would he come with him and where to?
“Eh?” was all he uttered in response and then watched Jonghyun pay for his drinks and tell his company goodbye before he grabbed his guitar bag and went up to Kibum. He hadn’t noticed it earlier, but Jonghyun was smaller than him.
“Okay, let’s go,” Jonghyun smiled enthusiastically and passed Kibum on the way to the door, politely holding it open for the other one. Dumbfounded Kibum followed Jonghyun’s request without objection, finding himself walking next to Jonghyun on the streets of London a minute later. He had no idea what Jonghyun was up to until a sudden realization hit him.
“Are you some sort of psychopath or a serial killer? Did you put something in my drink and I will pass out any minute?”
He stated his questions with a hint of sarcasm, but felt a little uncomfortable nonetheless. A loud laugh from his left side made him flinch and a look to his side told him that Jonghyun was quite enjoying himself.
“Maybe you should consider a career in writing. Me a psychopath or a serial killer? I can’t even kill a fly so why would I kidnap someone? You are a funny guy,” Jonghyun grinned, bumping into Kibum with his shoulder.
The two of them walked down the street in silence, Kibum glancing over at Jonghyun from time to time. He couldn’t make up his mind about him. What an odd person.
“Hey, let’s stop here for a second and buy some drinks and snacks. I’m craving for something sweet,” Jonghyun suggested when they passed a kiosk, holding onto Kibum’s arm when the latter wanted to continue his journey back to his dormitory. Kibum decided that he only followed Jonghyun into the shop because he hadn’t eaten anything since arriving in London and didn’t have anything to drink back at his room either. So he went inside the little, colorful kiosk and grabbed some sandwiches, a salad and two bottles of water from the shelves while Jonghyun spent his money on a six-pack of beer and a snickers bar.
“You really want to see my ID? I’m already twenty-six,” Jonghyun complained indignantly when the cashier wanted to see his identification, but indulged and pulled out his passport after the man in front of him just shrugged his shoulders and told him that he only followed his boss’s instructions.
They sat down on a red bench after leaving the store, Kibum unwrapping his sandwich and Jonghyun his snickers back in quiet. Kibum hadn’t known that he was hungry until he had bitten off the first piece of his tuna sandwich, a satisfied sigh leaving his lips.
“Is it that good?” Jonghyun asked with a smile, opening two cans of beer and handing one over to Kibum without even asking if he wanted it.
“Thanks. I haven’t eaten anything since this morning,” Kibum answered with a full mouth, accepting the beer with his free hand. Jonghyun seemed like a weird but decent guy, being all nice and friendly even though Kibum wasn’t very responsive. Maybe his dismissive attitude was some kind of defense mechanism? He wasn’t in a happy relationship, but it was a relationship nonetheless and Kibum had to admit that Jonghyun was - despite his lack of height - rather attractive. He wondered if he liked men. Kibum couldn’t really tell.
“Are you always carrying your guitar around?” Kibum asked then, his eyes falling onto the guitar bag that was neatly placed next to Jonghyun on the bench.
“Most of the time. We’re like a married couple.”
Jonghyun patted his guitar bag as to underline his statement and then took a sip from his beer.
“So are you a musician or something?” he continued to ask, looking for a handkerchief in his shoulder bag to wipe his mouth with.
“You can talk after all, huh? Did you come to the conclusion that I’m probably not a psychopath? Well, yes…I’m a musician. I came to London to learn more about the music scene here. It’s fun.”
“And you earn money with making music?” Kibum couldn’t hold back this question, glancing over at Jonghyun who looked up to the night sky.
“I do, but not much. I work here and there to earn some money, and also get paid to sing at bars from time to time. I’m a humble person and don’t need a fancy car or expensive clothes. As long as there is music in my life I’m happy,” Jonghyun elaborated and lifted his arms upwards to stretch.
A commendable attitude Kibum thought, instantly wishing he could be a little more like that, but he was too materialistic to live off of air and music. If he saw some pretty clothes in a shop he just had to buy them.
“So for how long do you want to stay in London?”
“Until I’m completely broke,” Jonghyun said jokingly, got up from the bench and walked over to the nearby streetlamp, holding onto it with one hand to spin around the post. Kibum followed the other with his eyes, not able to suppress a light chuckle. Watching Jonghyun spin around made him a little dizzy and he could feel how the alcohol slowly worked its way into his system. After checking the time on his phone he took a deep breath, enjoying the clean night air. London’s streets were quiet during this night and not many people seemed to wander around anymore, making the capital of England appear almost like a rural area.
“Maybe I should get going. I’m feeling a little exhausted,” Kibum announced after a while, causing Jonghyun to stop in his motion.
“Already? Where do you stay?”
“At the Astor College on Charlotte Street.”
Kibum emptied his beer and got up from the bench, walking over to a garbage bin to throw the can away.
“Charlotte Street? That’s not far away from my hostel. I’ll accompany you then.”
With that Jonghyun let go of the streetlamp, grabbed his guitar bag and started walking, turning around while doing so to make sure Kibum was coming along.
“Are you always this friendly to strangers?”
“Most of the time...What do I have from life if I walk around all grumpy like the Grinch? If you are nice to people they are also nice to you, right?”
Kibum could have argued about that, but he let it go for the time being, not really in the mood for a discussion about disproportion of social equality in this world. It was noble of Jonghyun to think the way he did, even if reality looked different.
When they arrived in front of the dormitory Kibum instantly headed to the entrance, Jonghyun staying behind on the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, looking like an abandoned puppy. He had two options now, but didn’t know which one to choose. Leave or stay? He couldn’t, could he? Kibum sighed when he grabbed the doorknob, biting his lip in thought. He could, couldn’t he? He squinted his eyes shut and hold his breath for a moment before he turned around and looked over to Jonghyun.
“Want to come inside?”
Now it was out in the open and he couldn’t take it back anymore. Did he just really invite a stranger into his room? A big smile appeared on Jonghyun’s face who immediately jogged over to the entrance, grinning like the Cheshire cat – his smile slightly crooked.
“Sure,” he answered boldly, making Kibum already regret his decision. Maybe it was the feeling of solitude in a foreign country that made him decide to ask Jonghyun to come inside so he didn’t have to feel lonely. He didn’t really know, but before he knew it Jonghyun was in his room, sitting on his bed, back against the wall and another beer in his hand.
“Shall I play some guitar for you?” Jonghyun suggested when Kibum sat down next to him after taking off his beanie and his jacket, grabbing one of the water bottles out of his bag.
“Isn’t that a bit too loud? I don’t know how thick the walls are.”
“They are thicker than in Korean dormitories, that’s for sure. I will play softly,” he replied, whispering his last words to show how quiet he could be.
Jonghyun didn’t even wait for a response, got up from the bed and fetched his guitar before he settled down next to Kibum again.
“Any wish?”
“What can you play?”
“Everything,” Jonghyun exaggerated and absentmindedly picked the strings on his guitar to form a nice poppy melody.
“Do you have any original songs you can show me?”
Jonghyun looked like he was in thought for a second before he nodded and straightened his back.
“I originally arranged it for piano, but it also works quite well on guitar. It’s called Diphylleia grayi.”
“Diphylleia grayi?”
“It’s an herb also known under the name skeleton flower. It has white petals that turn translucent when it rains.”
Kibum nodded and fell silent when Jonghyun played the first few notes, his posture and the aura around him changing. He looked like a different person when he made music; softer and more vulnerable, eyes closed, completely lost in his own world. The song sounded gloomy, Jonghyun’s voice full with pain and sorrow. Kibum got goosebumps when Jonghyun hit the higher notes and he was not able to avert his eyes from the older one; Jonghyun’s brows slightly furrowed, the veins in his neck standing out. The smiling face from earlier had disappeared and exposed a more sensitive side. Kibum couldn’t really describe this feeling, but there was a moment during the song when he was so mesmerized by the other’s voice that he had forgotten where he was, who he was with and what his name was. It just didn’t matter to him anymore.
He cleared his throat when Jonghyun let the melody fade out and tried to get back to reality without making the other realize that he had fallen for his voice – if only for a second.
“You should clap, you know,” Jonghyun beamed, being back to his bubbly self in the blink of an eye, placing his guitar against the wall next to the bed.
Kibum returned that smile and clapped appreciatively, deciding that another beer might not be the worst idea so he could forget what he had felt a moment ago.
“The lyrics are very poetic. Maybe you should be the one who starts a career in writing. Is it okay if I take another beer?”
“Sure go ahead,” Jonghyun gestured, causing Kibum to get up and take one of the remaining beer cans from the table.
“What was the song about? A past lover?” Kibum asked, pressing his lips onto the beer can in shock when he opened it and the content gushed out with a sizzling sound. He swore under his breath, half of the beer landing onto his shirt before he could stop the flow of it. He was wearing one of his most beloved shirts which would stink terribly if he didn’t wash out the beer immediately.
“Are you okay?”
“Sure, go ahead…don’t mind me. I’m just washing this out quickly.”
Kibum tried to stay calm while unbuttoning his shirt, walking over to the washbasin and turning the warm water on. There were only a few things in life that annoyed him more than dirty clothes.
“Obviously the song is about a past lover. The best songs are always written about past lovers, aren’t they?”
When Kibum looked up from washing his shirt, he saw Jonghyun watching him through the mirror and all of a sudden he felt really naked. He bit the inside of his cheek and concentrated back on his shirt, using soap to clean it thoroughly. Why did Jonghyun’s presence make him nervous all of a sudden? Was it the impact of the beer?
“I have to admit that I’m not a big fan of love songs,” Kibum confessed, wringing out his shirt when he was done cleaning it. He shook it several times before he hung it over the chair to let it dry.
“How come?”
Kibum could feel the other’s eyes in his neck with every move, making him even more uncomfortable in his skin. He walked over to his suitcase and grabbed the first T-shirt he found, hastily pulling it over his head. It was black and had the logo of the band The Ramones printed in white on it, the sleeves cut off by Kibum to make it look more fashionable.
“I don’t believe in a love like that. It seems like there is always only one person in this world for the writer of the song and that they will never love another person the way they have loved their past love. It’s nonsense, isn’t it? There can’t be just one person on this entire planet one can love, right? We are over seven billion people and sappy love song writers want to tell me that there is only one person for them?”
Kibum grabbed his beer can again and settled down next to Jonghyun, taking a big swallow of the remaining liquid inside the can.
“You sound really bitter.”
“Maybe I am,” Kibum sighed, leaning his head against the wall, sipping on his beer.
There he was in foreign country, in a foreign city with someone next to him he had just met. It all felt too surreal for Kibum’s understanding. Two days ago he still had been sitting at the little dining table in his kitchen, his boyfriend cooking his favorite dish as a farewell gift. Jinki had put so much effort into making that evening unforgettable, but all Kibum had had on is mind had been his trip to London. He was an awful person.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“What a lie.”
Kibum glanced over at Jonghyun whose eyes were fixed on the ceiling, so he did the same and looked up to the ceiling, seeing nothing but a white surface that appeared slightly yellowish due to the electric light. Both fell into silence again, watching the ceiling and sipping their beer. It seemed that Jonghyun dwelled on thoughts as much as Kibum did and the only sound that could be heard was the droning noise coming from the fridge.
“It’s been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away. I go out every night and sleep all day, since you took your love away. Since you’ve been gone I can do whatever I want. I see whomever I choose. I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant, but nothing I said nothing can take away these blues,” Jonghyun suddenly began to sing, startling Kibum with his vocal outburst, making him look at the other with a frown. “That’s a song. That’s a perfect song about a past love. It’s perfect…sung with so much feeling and with lyrics everyone who has ever been in love and broke up can relate to.”
Nothing compares to you had to be one of the sappiest love songs ever written, but it was definitely sung with a lot of feeling. Kibum nodded in agreement and all of a sudden both of them sung the chorus at the top of their lungs, fists clenching dramatically in front of their chests, not caring if they didn’t hit every note correctly. It was a refreshing moment, because it was so absurd to Kibum to be sitting next to a stranger, singing 90’s love songs in unison.
“Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling, tell me baby where did I go wrong?”
Both simultaneously dragged their forefinger down their cheeks, looking each other in the eyes when they sang the later part of the line. There it was again, a short twitch in Kibum’s stomach region, an increase in his heart rate, the intimate moment only interrupted by a pounding on the wall.
“Shut up!”
The moment was gone as quickly as it had come and both looked behind themselves to the wall, bursting out in laughter a second later. It took them a while to calm down again, both of them laughing at the ludicrousness of the situation.
“Maybe the walls aren’t as thick as I thought they would be,” Jonghyun admitted with a sheepish grin on his lips, correcting the fit of his fringe with his fingertips. When Jonghyun tilted his head a bit and looked at Kibum in silence it made the other slightly uneasy in his skin and he didn’t know where to look.
“What is it?” he inquired with a forced chuckle, fumbling with the hem of his T-shirt. It felt like ages that someone had made him nervous.
“It’s nothing, I just wondered whether your hair isn’t really damaged from bleaching it to such a light color. Aren’t you afraid that your hair will fall off one day?”
That had to be one of the most random questions Kibum had ever been asked and he shook his head, pointing at his hair.
“I use a lot of hair treatment so it’s actually super soft, touch it!”
Kibum regretted that offer as soon as he had said it out loud, because suddenly Jonghyun was way too close, fingers touching his hair like it was the fur of a cat. What was he doing here? Kibum nibbled on his bottom lip, pulling his head away when he couldn’t stand being so close to the other anymore. A monogamous relationship thrown out of the window as soon as he had left the country? What kind of person was he? A monster?
“It’s really soft indeed.”
Kibum swallowed and straightened up, inching away from Jonghyun in the next moment. It hadn’t been a good idea to invite the other to his room. What had he been thinking?
“Well, it’s getting late. Maybe you should go now.”
Kibum didn’t even respond to Jonghyun’s comment, believing that it was the best to end things right here and now. He stretched himself as if he was tired, producing a fake yawn to convince the other that it was indeed time to go home.
“Oh,” was Jonghyun’s confused reaction who appeared to be kind of lost for a second before he got up, placed his beer can on the table and grabbed his guitar bag. Kibum stood up as well, emptying his beer and throwing it into the trash. Soon he would be alone again. No need for a guilty consciousness. He didn’t do anything wrong. Kibum followed Jonghyun to the door and stopped in surprise when the other halted in his steps in front of the closed door and turned around to face him.
“You really want me to go?”
“Yeah.”
His answer sounded less convincing than he wanted it to and he harrumphed, his hand reaching behind Jonghyun to grab the door handle.
“Thanks for the beer and your company,” Kibum said politely, opening the door and gesturing Jonghyun to walk outside.
He knew that it might be impolite to kick the other out like this all of a sudden, but Jonghyun made him uneasy; not in a way that he thought the other might attack and kill him in his own room, but more in a way that he didn’t trust himself around Jonghyun. Kibum was in a difficult state of mind; emotionally unstable and desperately longing for something yet unknown to him. The temptation to do something stupid was just too big.
“Thanks for inviting me up to your room.”
Jonghyun’s smile appeared less ecstatic than it had been before and he lifted his hand to wave Kibum goodbye before he stepped out of the room. Kibum wasn’t sure if he had ever closed a door that quickly prior to this encounter in his life, leaning against it with his back and closing his eyes. What was he thinking? Why did he invite Jonghyun upstairs? For a hookup he hadn’t known he had wanted until now? How would a hookup solve any of his problems? Wouldn’t it create even more? He pressed his palm against his forehead and tried to breathe calmly through his nose. He should write Jinki or Taemin to distract himself and make all those thoughts go away.
However, a knock on the door pulled him back to reality and he furrowed his brows, turning around to open it.
“Have you forgotten…,” Kibum began to ask when he saw Jonghyun standing in front of the door, but before he could even finish his sentence the other had grabbed him by his neck and had pulled him into a kiss.
Kibum was so baffled at first that he didn’t know what was happening, Jonghyun’s fingertips pressing down into his skin, pulling him closer. What was he doing? What was happening here? There was this twitch in his stomach again, his lips tingling under the sensation of having another pair pressed onto them. He couldn’t…
“What are you doing?” It was not more than a mumble, Kibum’s hands trying to push the other away in a weak attempt to regain his posture.
But instead of letting go of Kibum, Jonghyun only reduced the distance between them, his lips starting to playfully nip on the others. Kibum was caught in an emotional rollercoaster ride and felt like a little devil and angel sat on his shoulders, trying to convince him to do the things they thought were right. Cheating on Jinki with someone he had just met? Could it even be called cheating? He didn’t even love Jinki anymore. But shouldn’t he at least end things before he slept with someone else out of courtesy? His thoughts became blurry when Jonghyun started to use his tongue, making it harder for Kibum to think straight. He should push the other away, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Before he knew it the door was closed behind them and his hands were fumbling with the hem of Jonghyun’s T-shirt, lips feverishly colliding over and over again, a feeling of desperately wanting Jonghyun settling in Kibum’s loins. The only moment both of them separated was when Jonghyun hastily took off his vest and pulled his T-shirt over his head, pushing the other over to his bed. Kibum felt the coil springs beneath him when his back hit the mattress, Jonghyun’s body hovering above him like a wolf ready to kill its prey. He was sure that it wasn’t the right thing to do, but it felt like the right thing. He arched his back when Jonghyun went down on him, hands pushing up his T-shirt, lips roaming over his hips and stomach. Kibum hadn’t known how much he had missed physical contact until he had felt the other’s lips and hands on his body, making him forget why he had come to London in the first place. There was no exchange of words, only the sound of their sighs and moans telling them what the other liked and enjoyed.
Soon Kibum was naked, wanting and needing, a bundle of sweating limbs moving in a steady rhythm to reach release. He felt muscles stirring beneath his trembling fingertips, a mouth looking for his, tongues teasing each other, smiles tugging at the corners of their lips. It was playful and exciting, a moment of complete bliss being the last thing Kibum remembered of that night.
Kibum was woken up by sunlight shining into his face, making him groan in frustration. The room felt hot and stuffy, small drops of sweat glistening on his forehead. When he wanted to turn away from the light he bumped against something, or more like someone, his eyes opening up in a flash. A film played back in front of his eyes; him going out, him meeting Jonghyun, him going home with Jonghyun, him drinking beer with Jonghyun, him singing a song with Jonghyun, him having sex with Jonghyun. He held his head and swore under his breath. What had he done? Jonghyun was peacefully lying next to him, his hair a complete mess, lips slightly parted. With a sigh Kibum pushed his blanket aside and looked for his underwear on the floor. He now was a different man than he had been the day before; a cheater, a two-timer, a person driven by his animalistic urges.
He leaned over to grab his boxers which lay close to the chair on the floor and got up, stepping inside the boxers’ legs and pulling them up over his butt.
“Already awake?”
Jonghyun’s voice sounded husky and Kibum looked over his shoulder to the bed, the other resting his chin on the white pillow, watching him through sleepy eyes.
“Yeah,” was the only thing Kibum replied while fishing his T-shirt from the floor and pulling it over his head.
“I realized that I don’t even know your name. I’m Jonghyun.”
Kibum couldn’t help but sneer at this remark. There couldn’t have been a more inappropriate time for a formal introduction. He had cheated on his boyfriend with a guy who hadn’t even known his name, a guy he had just met and had taken home with him.
“It’s Kibum.”
He reached for his phone on the table, checking the time. It was only 07:23. He couldn’t remember when they had fallen asleep, but he was sure that they had slept less than four hours. Kibum hesitated for a moment before he turned off the flight mode, one missed call after another making his phone vibrate seconds later. It were fifteen in total – all from Jinki. A deep sigh left Kibum’s lips and he massaged his left temple with his free hand before looking at the sticker that was pasted onto the wall over the table with the Wi-Fi password of the dormitory on it. After connecting his phone to the internet, it started to vibrate again and the number of messages showing up in his messaging app added up to thirty – twenty three from Jinki, five from Taemin and two from his mum.
“Fuck…fuck…fuck,” he mumbled under his breath, scrolling through Jinki’s messages.
- Hey, Ki~ have a safe trip. - Eat something - I hope you can rest on your flight - I love you - According to your flight schedule you should have arrived in London ^-^ - I hope you don’t get lost! London’s calling! :D - Don’t forget to eat! - I’m starting to get worried, did you forget me? - Please contact me when you read my messages, okay? - I just want to hear that you’ve arrived safely <3 - I miss you already - Kibum, why are you not picking up your phone? - Maybe you are sleeping? - Kiiiibuuuuuum - Yaah!!! Pick up your phone - Did you lose your phone or something? - It’s past midnight in London and you still haven’t contacted me? - I talked to your mum and you also haven’t contacted her? - Please call or message me, we’re worried - Kibum? - Are you okay? - …………Kibum? –
“What’s wrong?”
Everything? In this moment Kibum felt completely lost and alone in his world, turning around to the bed without a word, handing his cell phone to Jonghyun. It didn’t matter anymore. It was for the best if the stranger on his bed realized with what kind of person he had spent the night.
“What am I supposed to do with your phone?”
“Read the messages.”
Kibum felt like drowning, the guilty consciousness that he had tried to ignore during the night, now hitting him with full force. He wanted to go back to the bar from yesterday, drinking all the alcohol they had to offer, drowning in self-pity.
“Is that your boyfriend?”
A confirming nod from Kibum only made Jonghyun sigh who then sat up and reached out to get a hold of the other’s arm.
“You should have told me that you’re in a relationship.”
“Would that have changed anything? I didn’t even know you were into guys until you kissed me.”
“I don’t label myself as anything. I’m just a man who likes attractive people.”
“Should I feel flattered now?”
It sounded harsher than he had intended to and Kibum felt Jonghyun’s grip on him loosening, a frown appearing on the other’s face.
“I’m sorry that you apparently have relationship issues, but I shouldn’t be the one you are angry with,” Jonghyun stated, sounding somewhat hurt, hand running through his brown hair.
“Maybe it’s for the best if you just leave now.”
It was an unfair move, Kibum knew it, but he couldn’t stand Jonghyun’s sight anymore, reminding him of what a weak person he really was. If he just could turn back time. He couldn’t really comprehend his feelings. Even though he was certain that he didn’t love Jinki anymore, he still didn’t want to hurt him like this. That didn’t feel right after all the things Jinki had done for him.
“Fine then.”
With that Jonghyun got up from Kibum’s bed and collected his clothes from the floor, Kibum not daring to follow the other’s naked form with his eyes. Jonghyun dressed up silently while Kibum looked over to his phone, cursing the moment he had decided to turn off the flight mode. Maybe he should throw his phone away in hope that he could run away from his problems like this.
“It was nice meeting you.”
The tone Jonghyun used was more formal than it had been the night before, fueling the discomfort Kibum felt. After Jonghyun had grabbed his guitar bag he walked over to the door, turning around for one last time, nibbling on his bottom lip.
“I’m sorry if I made things even more complicated for you.”
With that he was gone, leaving Kibum alone with his thoughts. Why was he the one apologizing? Kibum stared at the closed door for a while, hoping that Jonghyun might knock on it again, but he didn’t. It was a contradiction in itself, wanting the other to leave but hoping for him to come back at the same time. With an exhausted sigh he let himself fall back onto the bed, the coil springs beneath him making a squeaking sound.
Lifelessly, he stared at the ceiling, hands on his chest, trying to breathe slowly and steadily. Had it been a good idea to come to London? At this very moment Kibum doubted it. He had wanted to sort out his problems and not create new ones. He grabbed his phone that still lay where Jonghyun had left it on his bed. He took a deep breath and opened his messaging app, trying to reply to Jinki. He used the delete button more than he liked to admit, starting to type a response over and over again. In the end he decided to lie, not wanting to make things even more complicated. An accident. That’s what it was. An accident of an emotionally unstable man who had given into temptation.
– I’m okay – You don’t need to worry about me ^^ – my battery was empty – London is great ^^! – I’ll contact my mum immediately! –
He then wrote his mum a quick message and video called Taemin. The connection was lousy, but he had never been more thankful to see the other’s face in all its pixelated glory.
“Yoooh…what’s up?”
Taemin’s voice sounded slightly wiry and the video lagged a little, but Kibum just had to see a familiar face that didn’t make him depressed and question his life choices.
“Tae…I fucked up…big time.”
With that Taemin got really close to his phone, only his eyes behind black framed glasses, his nose and his mouth visible.
“What happened?”
He was so close that his eyes began to look asquint when he stared into the camera, causing Kibum to smile involuntarily.
“I hooked up with a guy last night.”
Kibum had never seen Taemin’s eyes widen that much before, making him almost look like a lemur.
“No, you didn’t.”
Was his short reply; eyes still wide, mouth agape. Taemin looked like Kibum felt inside when he thought about the whole situation; shocked, confused and not really knowing what just happened.
“This is all just really fucked up. I don’t even know how this could have happened…it just did!”
There was a thoughtful hum coming through the speakers of Kibum’s phone and he waited for a reaction, frowning slightly when a sly smile appeared on the other’s lips.
“He must have been pretty good looking.”
Kibum started to laugh sardonically and turned onto his stomach, his chin resting onto his pillow. This reaction was so typical for Taemin who always tried to lighten up the mood with a sassy comment.
“He was just average.”
“Average? How did he look? Was he as muscular as Jinki?” Taemin asked curiously and Kibum saw him standing up, the image of the camera shortly shaking before he accompanied the other to the kitchen.
Kibum thought about this question for a moment, but as hard as he thought about it Jinki and Jonghyun had absolutely nothing in common.
“If Jinki was a bear, that guy would be a parrot. They are nothing alike.”
“Maybe that’s why.”
Kibum could hear the opening of a fridge door and a second later he could see the other taking a sip out of a water bottle.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean…,” he started, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, “You are not happy with Jinki, right? Your relationship came to a dead end, but instead of breaking up you are only prolonging your misery. Unconsciously you probably felt attracted to that guy, because he’s everything Jinki isn’t. People do weird things when they are too afraid to face their real problems.”
That sounded surprisingly reasonable.
“You might be right,” Kibum nodded, absentmindedly pulling his bottom lip between his forefinger and thumb.
Taemin made a big pose that looked like he wanted to win a bodybuilding championship before he started to grin and held a peace sign into the camera. What a quirky guy.
“I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It was just a one-time thing with a stranger in a new city. Just don’t tell Jinki and forget about it. We all make mistakes from time to time.”
Later that day Kibum went out to discover the city a little and to get away from his thoughts. With a camera slung around his neck and a map of London in his hand he walked towards the tram station, taking pictures of everything he saw on his way. The weather was much better than it had been the other day. The sky was tinted in a beautiful shade of blue and the tree branches swayed softly in the wind. Kibum wore a simple black T-shirt, some black skinny jeans, a black baseball cap and a pair of big black framed sunglasses. He always chose clothes according to the mood he was in and today he felt gloomy and the black clothes perfectly emphasized that. If Kibum was honest with himself he would have preferred to stay in his room and sleep until classes started the next day, but he felt pressured to experience as much of London as possible in his limited time there.
After visiting Buckingham Palace and watch the guards go up and down the line in front of the Palace Kibum walked over to St. James Park; a beautiful public garden right next to a lake. Due to the nice weather lots of people strolled around, little kids trying to catch the ducks that walked around freely and couples lying around in the sun, kissing in public for everyone to see. Seeing all these couples and families made him feel lonely. It would have been nice if he had been able to share the experience of sightseeing with someone. Coming to a new city without knowing anyone evoked a feeling of solitude.
He marched around all day and tried to visit as many sightseeing spots as possible; going up the Tower Bridge despite the fact that he was afraid of heights, visiting the London Eye and Big Ben, and taking one of the famous red double-decker buses to drive around the city. He even strolled along the Thames and watched ships go by while eating fish and chips, seagulls flying above the water, shrieking loudly. When he came home that night his feet hurt terribly, but a feeling of accomplishment settled in his stomach and he was glad that at least for a while he hadn’t thought about Jinki or the mistake he had committed.
Kibum always felt a mix of excitement and nervousness whenever a new semester at university started, not knowing what to expect from the content, the professors and his fellow students. When he went to his first English lesson on Monday the feeling of nervousness outweighed every other feeling. Kibum didn’t know how a class in a foreign country with people from all over the world attending the course would look like. Would there be a language or a cultural barrier? Would he get along with his other classmates? He wanted to make a first good impression and had dressed up nicely in a baby blue button-down shirt and black skinny jeans. He had arrived at the classroom way too early, the corridor with the classroom appearing eerie at half past eight in the morning. Kibum had checked the address several times to make sure that he was in the right building and in front of the correct classroom, hoping for anyone to come soon. He made a mental note to set his alarm clock thirty minutes later for the next day when he leaned against the wall and placed his shoulder bag on the ground. When he heard the sound of footsteps coming closer he straightened up immediately and watched a girl with beautiful long black curly hair come up to him, a smile framing her lips after she had discovered him.
“Hi,” she said and came to a halt next to him when she noticed the number of the classroom next to the door.
“Hi,” Kibum replied politely, bowing his head out of habit.
“I’m Elena and you are?”
“I’m Kibum.”
“Nice to meet you. Where are you from?”
He was glad that this girl seemed so extroverted that she immediately started a conversation with him, making him feel less awkward. In Kibum’s eyes, meeting new people was always kind of terrifying. You asked the usual questions and tiptoed around each other to find out if you had things in common. If you were lucky enough you found someone with similar interests and if not, sooner or later an unpleasant silence evoked and you tried your best to end the conversation as quickly as possible without it seeming impolite.
Kibum found out that Elena was an exchange student from Spain who did a master’s in contemporary East Asian art and had decided to study a semester in London, because the University of London’s department of East Asian art had a good reputation in Europe. She had been quite excited when Kibum had told her that he was from South Korea and had enthusiastically told him that she had been to Korea two years ago, immediately trying her basic Korean knowledge on him.
Bit by bit other students arrived, but most of them were less vocal than Elena was. Some didn’t even say ‘Hello’, but stood shyly around instead, looking like they didn’t like the idea of socializing at all. Kibum wondered why these people had decided to study abroad in the first place if they didn’t want to interact with others. Maybe they had decided to go to a different country to overcome their shyness?
When their teacher arrived – a small sturdy woman with grayish hair – everyone instantly fell silent, waiting for her to unlock the door and let them in. Kibum sat down next to Elena without giving it much thought. It felt only natural to sit down next to someone he had already talked to. The room was rather small, tables aligned in the shape of a U. After looking around Kibum counted fourteen students altogether – himself included –, some of them looking more awake than others. Without saying anything the teacher turned to the blackboard and wrote down her name – Mrs. Smith – before she walked around her own desk and leaned against it, facing the class.
“Good morning, everyone. My name is Mrs. Smith and I will be your teacher for the next few weeks.”
He felt like he was back at school, everyone in the room saying ‘Good morning, Mrs. Smith’ in unison. She grabbed a sheet of paper from her desk and glanced at it before she looked around the classroom.
“I count fourteen people, but there are fifteen on this list. Going through it now to check who is missing is quite boring, isn’t it? How about we just start over here and everyone introduces themselves quickly.”
She gestured towards a young Asian man who looked at her in shock and needed a moment before he timidly stood up and folded his hands in front of him.
“Uhm…I’m Wenyu Liu. I’m from Beijing, China and study business.”
He stuttered a little and Kibum felt sorry for him, the others in class including the teacher encouragingly knocking on the table when Wenyu sat down again. One after another the students stood up and introduced themselves, some putting more details into it than others. There were ten women and only four men in total, making it quite an uneven number. There was a student from Sweden, three from Spain, one from France, two from Italy, four from China, two from Japan and him, of course.
“So apparently Minho Choi is missing. Well, just as an information for everyone present right now I really dislike latecomers.”
Another student from Korea? That thought immediately brought a smile to Kibum’s face. Maybe that person had gotten lost on the way? Kibum pulled out a notebook and a pencil when the teacher went back to the blackboard, wiping her name away with a wet sponge.
“You all had to do an online test before you came here and according to the test result you were put into this class, right? From experience though these tests aren’t always completely accurate. Therefore I would like you to write an essay in this lesson, telling me why you chose to come to London for your studies, what you expect from your stay and what you want to see here. You can basically write whatever you want to, but don’t dare to hand in empty pages at the end of this lesson. I will decide if you stay in this class or get moved to another one after evaluating your essays. Good luck.”
The students all looked a little dumbfounded at first, sending each other puzzled looks before the first people grabbed their pens and started to write. Kibum saw Elena form a silent ‘what the heck?’ with her mouth which he responded to with a helpless shrug of his shoulders. This was indeed like school. They were thirty minutes in when there was a knock on the door, everyone’s eyes automatically looking over to the door, hoping for a little distraction from that tedious task they had to fulfill on their first day of class.
A tall figure clad in a white dress shirt and dark blue chino pants entered the room shortly after, bowing apologetically and saying ‘Sorry…sorry’ over and over again.
“I assume you are Minho Choi?” Mrs. Smith asked after taking a short glance at the list on her desk again, eyeing the tall young man disapprovingly.
“Yes. I’m terribly sorry, but I was at the wrong building. I’m really sorry,” Minho repeated and bowed again, awkwardly standing next to the door, hands holding onto the straps of a brown backpack.
“I already told the others that I can’t stand latecomers. Please remember that and sit down on the empty seat over there. You can take out a piece of paper right away and tell me why you decided to study in London and what you expect from your stay here. This essay will decide whether you stay in this class or get moved to a different one,” she explained patiently but decisively. Minho bowed again and hurried over to the empty seat next to the young woman from Sweden, greeting her with a nod. He quickly took off his backpack and sat down before he rummaged through his bag and pulled out a spiral-bound notepad and a pencil case.
Kibum only noticed that he had been staring at Minho instead of concentrating on his essay when the other looked up and met Kibum’s gaze. Kibum sent him a quick encouraging smile which Minho responded to before looking down at his essay again, trying to put his ambitions into words.
“Hey, are you Korean?”
Kibum had been walking down the steps alone to get outside of the building after class was over when he heard a voice talking to him in Korean behind him. He stopped in his steps and looked up over his shoulder, seeing Minho a few steps above him.
“Yeah, how do you know?”
Minho chuckled before he closed up to him, bouncing down the steps light-footed.
“It’s your sense in fashion I guess. Hi, I’m Minho.”
“I’m Kibum, nice to meet you.”
With that both of them walked out of the building, Kibum putting on his sunglasses when it was too bright outside for his liking.
“Hey, are you joining the excursion to the British museum later on?” Minho asked when they walked along the square in front of the university, a lot of students passing them on their way.
“Yeah, I intend to. I’m sure it’s fun and it’s a good opportunity to meet other exchange students, I guess.”
“Cool, if you don’t mind we can grab something to eat and wait together? We still have two hours before we meet up.”
“Sure.”
Minho flashed Kibum a happy smile and the two of them walked down the street, sitting down outside of a small café after a while that was located next to a park, both of them ordering coffee and sandwiches. Minho was a really pleasant fellow, studying business in Seoul because his mum had wanted him to, but at the age of twenty three still secretly hoping for a sports career. He was one of those rare people who tried their best to always make everyone around them feel comfortable, dodging any whiff of awkwardness with a funny anecdote. Minho was eloquent, smart and charismatic, talking like someone who was way older than his actual age.
They spent two hours talking nonstop, Kibum feeling like he had known Minho since middle school when they walked over to the meet up for the excursion to the British museum later on. The two of them were complete opposites when it came to personal lifestyle and fashion choices, but shared a firm belief in equality of all humans, no matter what skin color, gender, beliefs or sexuality they had. Looking at Minho one probably would have thought that he was a shallow business man, looking for the easiest way to gain profit, but to Kibum’s relief he turned out to be a very humble person.
Around fifty people had already gathered at the meet-up and Kibum even recognized some people from his class. There was a lot of chattering going on and he felt slightly lost between all those people, not really knowing where to go or whom he could talk to. Therefore he decided to stick to Minho. Going to a foreign country and then only interacting with people from one’s home country might not be the best intercultural approach he could think of, but it was better than not talking to anyone.
[Act Two]
It was Kibum’s twelfth day in London and after a little adjustment he had even adapted to his current living conditions. It was easier to live together with complete strangers than he had thought it would be. The previous week had been filled with lots of excursions to museums and other sightseeing spots in and outside of London, every trip making Kibum fall even more in love with this country. Kibum had met a lot of other students by now, but somehow Minho had turned out to be the one he hung around with the most. Apart from having a good chemistry it was also simply nice to talk to someone in Korean from time to time, because he didn’t need to think twice about the correct usage of words or grammar structures.
Kibum and Minho had decided to take a walk in a park close to the university’s main building before grabbing lunch, both of them enjoying the sunlight on their faces in comfortable silence. They had been merely walking for five minutes when they heard the sound of a guitar, causing Minho to look up in curiosity.
“Oh, that’s a lovely tune. Where is it coming from?”
He looked around, hands on the straps of his backpack like he always did. Kibum followed his lead and did the same, quickly finding the source of the music. However, when he saw the man who played the guitar he immediately stiffened, not really believing his eyes. It couldn’t be him.
“Ah, it’s coming from over there. Let’s check it out!” Minho announced, grabbing the other by the arm who was reluctant to even move one step forward.
“I don’t know. I’m hungry, let’s go eat something,” Kibum suggested instead, already turning on his heels to go into another direction.
“Oh, come on. Just a bit, please. I love street music, it’s so enjoyable.”
There was no arguing with Minho and soon Kibum found himself in close vicinity of Jonghyun – his hook up – the guy he had tried to forget ever since, but caught himself thinking about more than he liked to admit. It would have been easier to hide if there had been a lot of people standing around, but most people just passed by, only a mum with her kid and an elderly couple sitting on a nearby bench paying Jonghyun any attention. The little girl in a white flowery dress and blond locks clapped enthusiastically, having all of Jonghyun’s attention. He gave her a big smile and looked like he only played for her entertainment. It looked cute, Kibum had to admit, while he tried to stand as close as possible to Minho in an angle that he hoped would prevent Jonghyun from seeing him. The other looked good, wearing a loose fitting open dark olive shirt over a black tank top and dark ripped skinny jeans.
While Minho appeared to have the time of his life clapping along to Wonderwall by Oasis, Kibum wondered if Jonghyun could really play any song there was. There was this odd twitching in his stomach area again and his palms started to sweat just from watching Jonghyun sing.
“He’s good, isn’t he?”
Kibum felt startled when Minho suddenly turned his head to face him, still clapping.
“Well, Wonderwall is not that hard to sing or play, right?”
He tried to sound as dismissive as possible while avoiding direct eye contact with Minho. The other just smiled at him before turning back to Jonghyun who played the last few chords of the song before ending it with a bow.
Kibum watched how the mother gave her child some money who bravely walked up to Jonghyun and threw the money into the opened guitar bag which was placed on the ground in front of him. He thanked her and kneeled down, offering her his hand for a high five. She hesitated for a second before pressing her hand against his, making Jonghyun’s smile even wider. She waved Jonghyun goodbye before she left with her mum, always looking back at Jonghyun while holding her mum’s hand. Kibum was melting into a puddle of goo, and therefore realized too late that Minho was walking up to Jonghyun with some money in his hand as well.
“Hey, that was great, man,” he said appreciatively in English, putting the money into Jonghyun’s guitar bag.
Kibum wanted to run away and hide in a cave, pulling the baseball cap he was wearing a little deeper into his face in hopes that Jonghyun wouldn’t see him.
“Thank you.”
“Where are you from, your accent while singing doesn’t sound English?”
“Oh, I’m from South Korea.”
Minho made a surprised face and his smile got even brighter, making Kibum huff in disbelief. They wouldn’t make small talk now, would they?
“Really? Oh, that’s awesome. I’m from Seoul.”
“Cool, me too. I haven’t met many Koreans since I came to London.”
Kibum felt like getting smaller and smaller. He wanted to run away as quickly as possible, but couldn’t just leave Minho here without saying a word. He just wanted to leave the scene and never return to it again.
“Hey, can I ask for a song?”
“Sure, go ahead. I can play everything.”
Kibum rolled his eyes. He remembered hearing this sentence before and it brought back memories he didn’t want to have.
“Can you play Boohwal’s Lonely Night? It’s such an upbeat, cheerful song.”
“Ah, sure…a classic. I play it quite often.”
With that Jonghyun looked down at his guitar and picked the first few notes, his head slightly bobbing to the rhythm of the beat. The expression Minho had on his face when he turned around to Kibum consisted of childlike delight, making him quite uncomfortable. He wanted to leave and not listen to another song.
“I love that song so much,” Minho told Kibum, eagerly clapping his hands to match the song.
When he also started to sing along with Jonghyun, Kibum wished for nothing more than a comet falling right onto him, redeeming him from this situation. He had a short flashback, seeing the other’s naked form above him, eyes glistening with such intensity that Kibum felt his mouth become dry. Just an accident. It had been an accident.
After Jonghyun had finished the song Minho clapped in excitement, making Kibum feel even more embarrassed.
“Man, that was great! Thanks for making my day. I’m Minho, by the way and the guy over there who looks so indifferent is Kibum.”
Fuck. It was the first time Jonghyun looked into his direction and there was no way for him to escape now.
“Kibum?” Jonghyun’s voice sounded utterly surprised. “What a coincidence. If our ways cross for a third time then I call it destiny,” he joked, Minho glancing back and forth between them.
“You know each other?”
Kibum sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Checkmate! His cover was blown and he felt like he was about to face the gallows.
“We met at a bar on my first day in London,” Kibum summed up as shortly and unsuspiciously as possible, not really daring to look Jonghyun directly into the eyes.
He still felt guilty for being such a dick on the morning after they had slept with each other. Seeing the other again made the incident on his first night in London way too real.
“Oh, how cool is that. The world is a small place after all, huh? Kibum and I wanted to grab something to eat. Want to tag along? It’s my treat because you played that song.”
There was a moment of hesitation in Jonghyun’s response, Kibum could clearly see that. Maybe this situation was as unpleasant for Jonghyun as it was for him and he just didn’t show it as obviously as he did. Jonghyun rubbed the back of his neck and Kibum could feel the other’s eyes on him, making him even more uncomfortable. He had hoped that he would never see Jonghyun again, but it seemed that luck wasn’t on his side.
“Sure, why not.”
The answer felt like a knife was turned around in his chest; slow and painful. At least that’s how Kibum imagined being stabbed must feel like.
The three of them walked to the small café Kibum and Minho had come to in the past few days, making it almost feel like their favorite hangout in London. Kibum was glad that Minho undertook the talking and that his only job was to walk along with them. He preferred to stay silent as long as he wasn’t asked anything, listening to all the questions Minho asked Jonghyun out of curiosity. In the five minutes it took them to get to the café Kibum had learned more about Jonghyun than in the night he had spent with him. This realization made him feel even worse.
“I’ve actually never served in the military.”
Kibum was as astonished as Minho appeared to be when Jonghyun dropped this bomb on them, casually leaning in his chair and taking a sip from his tea a little while later. Minho had talked with him about their career background and the mandatory military service was something that was such a crucial part in the life of every Korean man that it was shocking to meet someone who hadn’t experienced this period of time.
“How come?”
The shock was still visible in Minho’s face.
“I’ve torn my ACL severely while playing basketball in high school. It took ages to heal and even nowadays I still have problems with my left knee sometimes. I was immediately classified as level five, therefore I didn’t need to attend the military service,” Jonghyun explained, sounding a little indifferent about the whole thing. Minho nodded in response and took a sip from his coffee while Kibum glanced at Jonghyun every now and then, still avoiding direct eye contact.
It was when Minho got up from his seat to use the bathroom a little later that Kibum’s posture stiffened, a marathon of thoughts passing through his brain. What should he say? Should he say anything at all? Would it be awkward if they just sat next to each other in silence for the time being? Would that be impolite?
“New playmate?”
Jonghyun sounded as casual as he had been simply asking Kibum about the weather, making the other perplex for a second.
“What?” was the only thing he was able to utter, looking directly at Jonghyun for the first time that day.
“Minho. He’s seems nice and is good-looking. Good catch!”
Kibum was so startled that he didn’t know what to say at first, furrowing his brows. This had to be the most ridiculous assumption he had ever been able to witness.
“What? No, he’s a classmate of mine. We’re visiting the same English course. Besides, he has a girlfriend,” Kibum replied a little offended, his lips tightening to a thin line.
What did Jonghyun even think of him as a person? That he walked around and hooked up with every man he met? This thought hurt him and he scratched his brow, looking over to the toilets in hope for Minho’s imminent return.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Jonghyun backpedaled and raised his hands in defense. “It’s weird. I didn’t believe I would ever see you again.”
There was a small smile tugging at Jonghyun’s lips that was barely noticeable, but Kibum caught it and it made his insides tumble.
“Same.”
Kibum nibbled on his lower lip, holding his iced coffee in both hands, not really knowing what to say next. He watched a group of young girls giggling about something at the table next to them and wished to switch places for a second. Why did Jonghyun’s presence make him this fidgety? There was always some kind of tension when he was around.
“Are you feeling as uncomfortable as I am?”
Kibum was brought back to reality instantly, glancing at Jonghyun who all of a sudden looked rather lost in his big white wicker chair. It was somewhat relieving to know that he wasn’t the only one who seemed to be overwhelmed by this interlude. He nodded with a hum and took a sip from his drink. Maybe things would be less awkward if he just apologized for being such an idiot the other day. But before he had the courage to do so Minho came back, sitting down again with a smile on his face. Minho and Jonghyun simply continued their conversation from earlier while Kibum just sat beside them, drinking his iced coffee and eating his vegetable wrap in silence.
“Hey, I think I’m heading home. I’ve got a slight headache and want to lie down for a bit,” Kibum explained after he was done eating, rummaging through his bag for his wallet.
“Ah, really? Then I’ll see you tomorrow in class?”
“Yeah…here’s some money for the coffee and the wrap.”
However, when Kibum tried to give the money to Minho he swiftly denied.
“It’s okay, you’re invited.”
He thanked Minho with a pat on his shoulder and gave Jonghyun a short nod before getting up from his chair, wanting to escape the awkwardness of this conversational threesome. He had never been the kind of person who dealt well in uncomfortable situations and had always preferred to get away from them rather than to endure them like a grownup. Jinki had once told him that this behavior was rather immature and he was probably right about it, but he had always struggled with change; be it a change in attitude or living conditions. Kibum was a creature of habit and needed more time than others to adapt to a shift in his daily life.
Kibum hadn’t been in the mood for partying, but Elena had persuaded Minho and him to tag along when she and some others from their English class had decided to go dancing. By now it was his third week in London and with every day he spent in this city it felt more and more like a second home to him. There were so many things he hadn’t seen yet, so many beautiful sights for him to discover, but the district he lived in already felt so familiar that Kibum had the impression that he had lived there all his life.
He was on his way out when he received a message from Minho, telling him that he was still video calling his girlfriend and that Kibum should tell them where they were so he could join them later on. He made an unhappy face and let out a deep sigh before putting his cell phone into his pocket. He had put on a pair of loose fitting washed-out blue jeans and a white long-sleeved T-shirt which he wore with a pair of thin black suspenders. Since he hadn’t felt like playing dress-up that night, wearing comfortable clothes had been the easiest option.
Things with Jinki had stayed the same. Every other day they talked on the phone for a few minutes before they had nothing to say to each other anymore and ended their conversations with awkward goodbyes. Back in Korea they had never really talked to each other on the phone, but here Kibum somehow felt obligated to contact Jinki regularly and feign interest. Ever since his slip into infidelity a voice in his head told him to tell Jinki the truth and clear his guilty conscience, despite Taemin’s suggestion to keep it a secret. Kibum had tried to address this topic several times already, but every time he had thought that he was ready to talk about it Jinki had told him that he missed him and wanted to see him and had destroyed all his courage with it.
When Kibum arrived at the suggested club half an hour later the interior was stuffy and packed with people, music blasting out of every corner. He felt the vibration of the intense bass in his body while he wiggled his way through the sweating crowd to get a drink at the bar. He wasn’t particularly fond of house music and usually preferred locations that had a more rocking kind of vibe to them, but someone from his class had recommended this club because it was supposed to be one of the best in London.
Elena and her friend Maria had been right behind him, hands placed on Kibum’s shoulder in an attempt to not lose him in the crowd. The linear distance between the entrance and the bar were probably forty meters, but it had taken them several minutes to finally get through the bulk of dancing people; some of them so drunk that they could barely stand and others performing indecent acts of public affection which made Kibum look at them in a state of shock and disbelief.
“Everyone is just so open here. Like, no one seems to give a fuck.”
He had to repeat his observation several times until Elena and Maria were finally able to hear him properly. Kibum’s eyes watched some young people dance together in fascination, the hand of some guy already all over a girl’s body while the girl clung to him as if her life depended on it. Europeans were just so open with everything. When they had finally reached the bar it had taken another five minutes for them to finally be able to order something to drink, the waiters behind the counter being far too few to handle all of the guests’ wishes at once.
“The music is way too loud,” Kibum complained, but Elena only pointed to her ears, signalizing that she hadn’t understood what he had just said. He sighed in defeat then, put the black straw of his Long Island Iced Tea into his mouth and took a generous swallow.
On their strenuous way back to the rest of the group Kibum noticed a pair of toned arms swaying through the air, several leather bracelets dangling on the wrists. These arms looked oddly familiar and Kibum took the chance to take a better look at them when they walked close by. For a second he forgot how to breathe when he found out whom these arms belonged to and then he couldn’t get away from them fast enough. How small was London that he seemed to be everywhere he went? He ducked his head and silently followed Maria and Elena through the club while trying not to spill anything.
The rest of the group stood in an area that was slightly heightened which made it possible for Kibum to keep an eye on Jonghyun from a safe distance. The older one seemed to enjoy himself quite a lot, jumping around in a tight fitting black tank top, his usually tousled hair neatly styled and lifted with the help of wax. He had a big smile on his face and looked extraordinarily attractive as much as Kibum wanted to deny that.
After the majority of the group had decided to join the people on the dance floor Kibum was left alone with the Swedish girl Ester from his class who was at least six centimeters taller than him in her high heels. Both of them stood next to each other in silence, because talking didn’t make much sense anyway and bobbed to the rhythm of the music. Sipping his cocktail while watching Jonghyun dance around with changing partners felt like watching an R-rated music video on TV. It was almost too clichéd. If Jonghyun danced with one girl all his attention went to her alone and maybe that was the secret to his captivating charm, because in the end everyone liked to feel special and important, right?
“Wow…I guess, it really is destiny.”
Kibum didn’t need to turn his head to know who had come up behind him, speaking close into his ear. He could feel the other’s breath on his skin, making him involuntarily shudder. Maybe it had been a bad idea to go back to the bar for another drink?
Jonghyun had found him.
Was it happiness that he felt or was it exasperation? Kibum bit the inside of his cheek when he looked over at Jonghyun; an automatized habit he had already picked up in kindergarten when he didn’t want to show his real emotions to the people around him. The pain had always distracted him from feeling anything else.
“Hey, long time no see.”
He tried to sound as surprised as possible, hoping for the waiter to quickly show up with his drink. He needed it.
“Are you alone here?”
Jonghyun’s voice sounded rather sultry and Kibum could smell the alcohol on his breath, making him wonder how much the other had drunk already.
“I’m here with people from my English class. How about you?”
Kibum had seen Jonghyun dance with a bunch of girls earlier that night, but since he didn’t want Jonghyun to know that he had watched him like some scary stalker he pretended to be surprised by the answer.
“I got new roommates from Italy on Thursday. They are here to celebrate their graduation. Since I had nothing better to do tonight I decided to join them. They are all girls so it’s better if they don’t walk around at night alone anyway.”
It was hard to hear Jonghyun over the loud music and some words Kibum couldn’t catch, so he only nodded and smiled, paying the waiter when he finally arrived with his third Long Island Iced Tea. He took a big swallow and watched the crowd in front of him dance, his right foot tapping along to the beat.
“Would you like to dance?”
These words he had heard very clearly, because Jonghyun had downright yelled them at him.
“I’m not really…”
“Oh, come on.”
Jonghyun was a person who wouldn’t accept a no for an answer it seemed. He grabbed Kibum’s free hand and pulled him with him to the dance floor, instantly starting to dance around Kibum with that crooked, cheeky smile on his lips. It had already impressed him how carefree Jonghyun was when they had first met and it was not any different now. It appeared as if nothing in this world could upset him. This carefree attitude was something Kibum was incredibly envious of. He used to be like this. He had been that person who didn’t overthink, who didn’t overanalyze. He had been that carefree person, but somewhere in the middle of growing up and meeting Jinki he had lost this characteristic.
Kibum didn’t move much. Left step, right step, left step, right step, some moving of the hips and some swaying of his free arm that was all he was capable of right now. Jonghyun on the other hand jumped around like a Duracell bunny, sweat rolling down his temples and some neatly styled strands of hair falling into his face.
“I wouldn’t have thought that you like this kind of music,” Kibum said, his voice getting lost in the dancing crowd.
“What?” Jonghyun replied rather loudly and came nearer in an instant, placing both his hands on Kibum’s shoulders, tilting his head. Kibum trembled beneath the touch, his fingers forming into fists. He was too close.
“You like house music?” he modified his question, trying to withstand Jonghyun’s gaze, taking a step back.
“Not really, but jumping around is a good way to release stress,” he answered with a wink before he removed his hands from Kibum’s shoulders again and continued to dance.
After only one song Kibum decided to leave the dance floor again, pointing into the direction of his friends to signalize Jonghyun that he was going. He had never been a big fan of dancing, especially not to such awful music.
“Yahh…you already want to leave me?”
Kibum felt the other’s hand on his arm and looked up, Jonghyun’s face indicating the beginning of a pout. It looked rather adorable.
“I don’t feel like dancing to this music. It’s awful.”
With that being said he was about to go on, but the grip on his arm only tightened. Jonghyun’s chest heaved distinctly from all the dancing, sweat glistening on parts of his chest that were visible because of his low-cut tank top.
“Shall we go somewhere else then?”
Kibum unconsciously licked his lip, hesitating. There was a mole right between Jonghyun’s collar bones Kibum noticed while his eyes were still fixed on the other’s chest. It was almost hypnotizing. Before he knew what was happening he heard himself say:
“You know that I have a boyfriend.”
“I know.”
He was sure that his heart had skipped a beat when he looked up at Jonghyun then, the other’s eyes appearing more intense than before. He gulped and felt his face heat up, not really knowing what to reply.
“I’ll just get my jacket. Meet me at the entrance in five minutes.”
With that Jonghyun turned around and disappeared in the crowd, leaving Kibum behind, dumbfounded. The other was a person of action that much was clear. He could have simply ignored Jonghyun’s request, but the other seemed to be quite persistent so it wouldn’t have surprised Kibum if Jonghyun kept waiting at the entrance until he came out.
Fighting his way through the crowd over to his friends was challenging, but giving them a believable excuse why he was leaving already even more so. Kibum handed his drink to Elena before waving everyone goodbye, looking for the fastest way out, not wanting to answer any further questions. He had told Elena that he had a boyfriend back in Korea when they once had talked about relationships and leaving the club with another guy would probably only make him look like an asshole, which was something he clearly wanted to avoid. It was enough if he thought of himself as one, therefore there was no need that anyone else thought so as well.
The air outside was refreshing and the sudden silence a blessing to his ears. A few people stood outside and smoked and some others just passed the street on their way to another destination. Kibum took a deep breath, trying to wrap his head around the situation. Did he just leave the club for Jonghyun? The person he had betrayed Jinki with? The person he had intended to never see again?
‘If I see you for a third time, then I guess it’s destiny.’
Was it really destiny? Was there something as ridiculous as destiny or was this a mere coincidence? There was something about Jonghyun that made him feel attracted to him without his consent. He just couldn’t do anything about it. The first night they had met, the time they had seen each other in the park, and even now there were always two strings that pulled on Kibum; one that wanted him to run away as far as possible and the other that wanted Jonghyun to do whatever he felt like doing to him.
“Hey!”
Jonghyun’s sudden approach made Kibum flinch and he turned his head to see the other standing beside him, now wearing a leather jacket above his black tank top.
“So, where would you like to go?”
Both of them knew the answer, Kibum was quite sure about that. He knew they would end up having sex in his room that night and Jonghyun knew it, too. It was an odd situation to be aware of it, but still trying to pretend like they weren’t. The first time they had met Jinki had been in the back of Kibum’s mind at all times, but now his image was slowly fading, and with every passing day his relationship felt more and more like a distant memory. Maybe being with Jonghyun was his way of escaping reality?
“Should we go to my place?”
He tried to sound calm and put his hands into his pockets, his left foot kicking a pebble onto the street.
“You know how this will end, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You have a boyfriend.”
“I know.”
There was a break in their conversation and Kibum started to walk, knowing the other would follow him eventually. He couldn’t remember when his indifference towards his own relationship had started to swell up inside him. Maybe meeting Jonghyun was the universe’s way of telling him that it was finally time for him to move on and leave everything that made him unhappy behind.
“And you don’t care anymore?”
Did he still care? He wasn’t quite sure about it. Kibum had tried to break up with Jinki for months, but hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. He had tried his best to be the worst boyfriend in existence to make Jinki break up with him, but he hadn’t.
“I don’t think I care anymore.”
“You think?”
Jonghyun had caught up with him and Kibum noticed how the other limped a little, making Kibum tilt his head in confusion.
“What’s wrong? Does your knee hurt?”
“I think I overdid it a little with all this jumping tonight. I’m okay…don’t change the subject.”
A little smile appeared on Kibum’s lips and he looked up, the night sky presenting itself in a beautiful gown made of a million twinkling stars.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. You know who said that?”
Kibum halted in his steps, hands still deeply buried in his pockets. Jonghyun shook his head and kept walking until he realized that the other wasn’t moving anymore. He turned around then and watched Kibum who still looked up at the night sky.
“Oscar Wilde. He’s one of my favorite authors. What do you think he meant with that?”
“I think most people go on with their daily lives without ever trying something. They settle for the things they already have and don’t strive for more. I believe he talked about people who stopped dreaming, people who stopped having the courage to break out of their routine.”
A little hum left Kibum’s lips and he lowered his gaze to look at Jonghyun who stood several meters away from him. He thought the other’s words over for a moment, studying Jonghyun like he was a statue in a museum.
“I think I’m one of those people who stopped dreaming and who stopped having the courage to break out of their routine. I’m one of those people who go on with their everyday lives without ever striving for more. I haven’t been like this all my life and I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m an unhappy and frustrated man who runs away from his problems. I’ve been a mess for months now and the first time I felt something other than desperation was when I’ve spent time with you. So, yes…I’m sorry, but I don’t really care anymore.”
He hadn’t meant to serve his heart onto a silvery plate like that, but it was relieving to get it all out there. It gave him strength and saying it out loud made it more tangible. Yes, he was unhappy and yes, he was frustrated, but somehow Jonghyun’s quirkiness had lightened up his mood. Maybe Taemin had been right all along. Jonghyun was so refreshingly different from Jinki. Jinki, who always followed strict rules and whose life was so well planned and stringent.
“You know, being thrown out like that was actually a really unpleasant experience.”
Jonghyun had pulled up his shoulders and slowly started walking again – backwards.
“I’m sorry about that.”
He really was. Kibum had wanted to apologize for his behavior before, but the last time he had had the chance to do so he hadn’t taken it.
“Soooo…,” Jonghyun started, lengthening the syllables. “If we go to your place tonight, please don’t act the way you did before in the morning, okay?”
Jonghyun’s way of avoiding any kind of swear words or negative remarks made Kibum smile. He could have called him an ass or a bitch, but he hadn’t. Maybe swearing was against his policy of always being nice to people.
“I won’t. I promise,” he replied loudly and began to jog until he had closed up to Jonghyun who held his pinkie towards him.
With a grin he locked his little finger with Jonghyun’s before they pressed their thumbs against each other to seal their deal. A cheeky smile appeared on Jonghyun’s lips who let go of the other’s hand after a short moment and started walking again.
They had to use the subway to get back to Kibum’s dormitory, both not saying a word on their way. It felt like they tried to mentally prepare for the things to come. Kibum’s head rested against the window behind him, the section in which they were seated looking deserted at this hour. Kibum watched Jonghyun through the reflection of the window on the opposite side of the wagon, feeling a little flustered when Jonghyun caught him after a while. He didn’t break eye contact, though, trying to withstand the urge to look away. It almost felt like a staring contest that he didn’t want to lose. Jonghyun was the first one to look away, shaking his head with an amused smile.
When they found themselves in Kibum’s dormitory twenty minutes later there was not a single noise that could be heard outside the rooms, making the corridors appear quite scary. Kibum assumed that most students were either out partying or already asleep. When they reached his room, the cell phone in his pocket started to vibrate and he swore under his breath when he saw Minho’s name on the display. He had completely forgotten him.
“Who is it? Your boyfriend?”
“No, it’s Minho,” Kibum answered tersely and accepted the call after clearing his throat.
“Hey, where are you?”
“I’m in my dorm,” he sighed, opening the door with a key and gesturing Jonghyun to go in.
“Eh? Why? I thought we wanted to go partying tonight?”
He could clearly hear the disappointment in Minho’s voice and felt bad for not remembering his friend earlier. Kibum rubbed the back of his neck, watching Jonghyun take off his jacket and hanging it over the backrest of his chair.
“Yeah, I know. I’ve been out with the others, but I didn’t feel well after a while so I decided to go home early.”
Great, now he even lied to his newly found friend. Jonghyun looked over at him for a second before he sat down on Kibum’s bed and untied his shoes.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you need anything?”
“No, no, no…I’m okay again. I just felt a little sick because of the stuffiness in the club. There were just so many people.”
In fact this wasn’t even a lie. The club had be incredibly full and stuffy. While Kibum was trying to avoid talking himself into trouble Jonghyun pulled off his shoes and placed them next to Kibum’s bed, stretching his left leg and kneading his knee a little. Jonghyun’s strained facial expression clearly indicated that his knee was less fine than he had tried to make Kibum believe earlier.
“I see, but if you need anything just give me a call, okay? Are the others still there?”
“Yeah, I think so. They seemed to enjoy themselves quite a lot. Just take the subway from Great Portland Street to Farringdon. From there it’s just a four minute walk. The club is called Fabric. They play a lot of House and Electro. It wasn’t my cup of tea, but maybe you will enjoy it,” Kibum explained and finally walked into his own room, closing the door behind him.
“Great. I will give Elena a call just to make sure that they are still there. Take good care of yourself. See you on Monday.”
With those final words their conversation ended and with a relieved sigh Kibum walked over to his desk and placed his phone on it.
“You are a really great actor. Do you often lie to people?”
“If I was a liar and answered your question with no you wouldn’t know if I told you the truth or not.”
“But why would you lie to me?”
“Good point.”
Jonghyun was still massaging his knee lightly while Kibum leaned against his desk, watching him.
“How’s your knee?”
Asking this question was rather unnecessary, because he could tell just by looking at the other’s face that Jonghyun was in pain.
“Oh, I’m fine. It’s okay. Don’t worry,” Jonghyun dismissed his pain as a triviality, taking his hands away from his leg as if he wanted to demonstrate that he was safe and sound. However, Kibum wasn’t one to be persuaded that easily so he walked to the door and asked Jonghyun to wait for him. Purposefully he headed for the shared kitchen at the end of the corridor and grabbed an ice tray from the freezer compartment in the fridge. He was lucky that Sergio – one of his fellow inhabitants – liked to drink cool drinks and therefore kept several ice trays in the freezer.
He was back in his room within two minutes, Jonghyun looking up at him in confusion. Without saying anything he grabbed a fresh towel from the cabinet above his washbasin and tapped the ice cubes onto it, winding the towel into a bundle.
“You might want to take off your pants first,” he said nonchalantly, causing Jonghyun’s eyes to widen a little.
“Huh?”
Kibum held up the bundle like a bouquet of flowers and pointed at it while walking over to his bed.
“I’m not a doctor, but during my time in the military ice was a quick solution to almost every problem.”
“You sound like some war veteran,” Jonghyun laughed and stood up to open the button of his pants. “That’s really nice of you, but I’ll survive. My knee and I have a special bond since over eight years. It’s like a lover. If I overstep my boundaries it gets angry. Lovers do the same.”
“Interesting analogy.”
Kibum watched Jonghyun wiggle out of his pants to reveal a pair of thin legs, his crotch covered in a pair of black boxer briefs. The first time he had seen the other without pants he hadn’t paid any attention to any details of Jonghyun’s body, because back then the atmosphere had been a different one and Kibum’s mind had been more focused on pleasure than any form of body appreciation. But now that he had the time he checked the other out longer than it was necessary.
After folding his pants and placing them on Kibum’s desk chair Jonghyun took the towel from Kibum with an appreciating thanks and sat down on the bed again. Kibum noticed that the scar in the middle of Jonghyun’s left knee was around six centimeters long and had faded over the years, making it less eye-catching than he had imagined it to be.
“Can I ask you something?” Jonghyun questioned after pressing the ice packed towel onto his knee.
“Sure.”
“I’m curious. Was it hard as a gay man in the military?”
Was it hard? It was the worst time in his life. With a sigh Kibum sat down next to Jonghyun and grabbed his pillow, hugging it tightly to his chest.
“I didn’t come out to the officials who asked me questions about my sexuality before my enlistment and I also didn’t talk about it to anyone during my time in the military. You might think I’m a coward, but at the time I thought it was for the better. Military is hard enough as it is.”
“I don’t think you are a coward.”
“I think the military is already more bearable than it used to be, but homosexuality is still something that is highly frowned upon. In the military they still think of homosexuality as some sort of personality disorder. Can you imagine? Just because I’m not attracted to women in a sexual way. There are plenty of cases in the past in which men who came out were treated unfairly some of them harassed or even institutionalized. So many already committed suicide because of these circumstances, it’s just not fair.”
“So, what did you do during those two years? I imagine it to be hard to pretend to be someone you aren’t.”
“It was hell.”
Kibum took a deep breath and rested his chin on his pillow.
“There is nothing worse than horny men in the military. Every time we were able to go home for a few days most of my comrades spent their days fucking around and telling everyone about it later on at the barracks. I felt sorry for the entire female population on this planet. I was so happy when I was finally able to leave that place.”
“You weren’t in a relationship back then?”
“Only short ones…not worth mentioning. I met my current boyfriend after my military service was over who…that’s the funny part…happens to work for the military.”
It always made him groan in despair when he thought about Jinki working for something that Kibum so much despised.
“Really? He works for the military? But do they know that he’s in a relationship with another man?”
Kibum let out a guffaw, shaking his head rapidly.
“Hell no. I’m quite sure he would lose his job or if he didn’t lose his job he would at least have no chance of ever getting promoted again. His comrades all think I’m his best friend and roommate. Nothing more and nothing less.”
“Wow…so he’s living a lie for the sake of his job?”
Kibum shook his head and pointed with his forefinger to the ceiling.
“It’s not just a job for him…it’s his life.”
Jonghyun hummed in response, but didn’t ask any further questions, moving the cold towel from one side of his knee to the other.
“How’s your knee?”
“Cold,” Jonghyun grinned cheekily, automatically lightening up the gloomy mood. “Can you do me a favor and give me my phone. It should be in the right pocket of my jacket.”
“What are you up to?” Kibum asked while getting up from the bed, handing the phone over to Jonghyun after he had pulled it out of his jacket.
“Music. Some background music is always nice, don’t you think?”
It took Jonghyun at least two minutes to find a song he thought was fitting, always switching back and forth between the songs, not completely satisfied with any of them. In the end he decided on a slow melancholic country song, a song Kibum had never heard before.
“What is it?”
“The song is called Fade Into You by an American band called Mazzy Star. It’s an older song, but I like the melancholic vibe it has. The voice of the singer is really beautiful. I only discovered them recently. A guy from Finland who I met in a bar a few days ago introduced them to me,” Jonghyun explained before starting to sing softly along to the song. His voice harmonized perfectly with the original singer’s voice, a warm feeling spreading inside Kibum’s body.
When Kibum had decided on going home with Jonghyun he had imagined the outcome of this get-together to be slightly different. He liked listening to the other’s voice sing, but would have preferred to hear the other moan his name in this very moment. Kibum wasn’t sure if he should feel bad for feeling that way, but having Jonghyun sit next to him only in a black tank top and underpants didn’t really help him to get rid of his thoughts.
It was most likely lust that drove Kibum to move closer to Jonghyun two minutes into the song, one hand settling down onto Jonghyun’s thigh and the other supporting him on the mattress when he leaned over and started to place soft kisses against Jonghyun’s neck, ear and cheek. A chuckle left Jonghyun’s lips who instantly stopped singing and turned his head to face Kibum.
“Are you horny?”
It was a legitimate question which Kibum answered with a nod, pulling his bottom lip playfully between his teeth.
“I didn’t know you liked country music that much,” Jonghyun quipped, but was silenced a moment later as Kibum kissed him on the mouth, his lips opening automatically when he felt the other’s tongue brush against them.
It was a slow kiss just like the song they were listening to, Jonghyun’s right hand finding its way to Kibum’s head, fingers gliding through strands of hair. This encounter felt more intimate and less rushed in comparison to their first night together. Kibum didn’t scrutinize his actions anymore, the devil and angel who had pestered him with questions the last time he had been with Jonghyun completely blown away. The only thing he wanted was to enjoy and dwell in the feeling of being close to another body again. It was selfish of him, he knew that, but he didn’t care any longer.
Their kiss soon became more heated and Kibum climbed onto the other’s lap, causing Jonghyun to finally let go of the towel in his left hand which fell onto the ground with a dull sound. He held Jonghyun’s face in both hands, yearningly pressing his crotch against the other’s while Jonghyun’s hands wandered beneath Kibum’s long-sleeved T-shirt, lightly scratching the skin on his back. They built a beautiful contrast; Jonghyun all dressed in black and Kibum in white, making them look like Yin and Yang. Maybe that’s what they were, contrary forces that complemented each other and interconnected.
When Jonghyun pushed Kibum’s T-shirt upwards Kibum took it as a sign to stop their kiss, taking off the pair of suspenders and pulling his T-shirt over his head in one swift motion. He didn’t want to think about the past, present or future in this moment, he just wanted to let go and feel.
Hands placed on Jonghyun’s shoulders and forehead leaning against the other’s, Kibum took control that night, his naked form firmly seated in Jonghyun’s lap. The movement of his hips were slow at first, his body adapting to the fullness inside of him. His parted lips ghosted over Jonghyun’s, his eyes tightly shut. Kibum tried to concentrate on the other’s fingers which moved along his spine, his body arching into the touch, lips searching for Jonghyun’s. Having sex with him felt different, but Kibum couldn’t explain why. There just seemed to be a mutual understanding between them that made the usage of words seem pointless.
Kibum’s sleep had been deep and dreamless until he was involuntary woken up by a pair of lips that danced over his nape and shoulders, and a hand that roamed his hip and thigh in light, gentle circles. At first he was disorientated, believing he was back in Seoul and sharing a bed with Jinki, but Jinki had never paid much attention to his shoulders nor had his hands ever touched him so aimlessly. Whenever Jinki had touched him it had pursued a specific goal. Jinki wasn’t experimental but straightforward in his actions. Foreplay had always felt like a sequence of different performances taken out of a guidebook on sex. In the beginning Kibum hadn’t minded, because this kind of structured foreplay had him turned on and ready in no time, but over time it had turned predictable and boring.
He only realized that he was still in bed with Jonghyun when the latter whispered a soft ‘Wake up’ into his ear, the breathy morning voice of the other causing goosebumps on Kibum’s skin. An unsatisfied grunt left his lips before he turned around in his bed to face the other one. He blinked several times before he got used to the light again, the other lying next to him with a gentle smile on his lips.
“Why did you wake me up? It’s Sunday…let me sleep in,” he complained tiredly and put a hand in front of his mouth to hide a yawn.
“I was bored, that’s why,” Jonghyun explained casually, fingers drawing little circles around Kibum’s belly button. Even though Kibum was sure the other didn’t think anything of it the gesture seemed quite intimate to him. Not the intimacy one shared with a casual one-night-stand, but the intimacy one shared with a lover. The thought somewhat made him uneasy and he didn’t know why.
“Well, why don’t you try to sleep some more then?”
“But I’m wide awake. Shall I show you?”
Kibum furrowed his brow and already opened his mouth to ask how he intended to show him his wakefulness when Jonghyun took his hand and pulled it beneath the blanket, placing it right onto his crotch. There he was, fully hard and erect, Kibum’s abdomen inevitably twitching.
“See?” That gentle smile on Jonghyun’s lips had turned into a cheeky one and it slowly dawned on Kibum why he had been woken up by soft kisses and tender touches. He couldn’t help but wonder how many sides there were to Jonghyun. The spectrum from angel to devil was a wide one after all. Kibum wanted to reply something cocky, but his mouth failed him when Jonghyun leaned over and started to nibble on his earlobe, tongue flicking against the shell, a self-indulgent sound falling from Kibum’s lips.
“You like that?”
Those three little words sounded so seductive that it made Kibum’s head spin, all thoughts of sleep suddenly forgotten. He gave in to Jonghyun for a third time that morning, enjoying and relishing his rediscovered sexual energy. How had he been able to give up on sex when it was one of the most satisfying experiences he could think of?
After Jonghyun had left later that day Kibum sat down on his bed, staring at the wall in front of him. Three times. Ever since he had left Seoul a few weeks ago he had slept trice with someone else. Was it still called a one-night-stand if the one-night-stand turned out to be more like a three-night-stand? Or was he already part of a so-called affair and didn’t even realize it? What was Jonghyun to him? A fling? Casual sex? A problem solver? Escapism?
There was a black spot on the wall Kibum hadn’t noticed before. From afar he couldn’t tell if it was the dead body of an insect or a hole that had been filled with a nail before. He squinted his eyes, but that didn’t help to solve the riddle and he was too lazy to get up and check the spot up close. With a sigh he sank back on the mattress, lifting his arms up for no particular reason.
What if he told Jinki? He had to tell him. Kibum played through different scenarios in his head and tried to imagine how Jinki would react. Jinki could be sad and devastated, but he could also be angry, or both. He had never really seen Jinki angry with him, so it was hard to imagine what it would be like. If he waited to tell Jinki the truth about his activities in London until he arrived back in Seoul again, he had to endure living with a lie for another week. He would have to lie in every message he sent and every phone call he made. But if he told the truth now, what would happen? What consequences would it have? If this relationship was really over – and for Kibum it already had been a long time ago – what would he do? He couldn’t stay at Jinki’s place.
Kibum felt his insides turn and he swallowed, for a moment doubting every decision he had made in the past few weeks. He knew that sleeping with Jonghyun had been an awful thing to do, but he had done it out of conviction. It had been his own little rebellion. A rebellion against the unhappy relationship he was in and especially a rebellion against himself. He had stopped liking himself ever since his relationship had gone down the tubes. Bathing in self-pity wasn’t something he usually did, but after months of doing it, it had felt like he had done nothing else anymore. But even though he knew that this break had to come sooner or later he still hesitated, his eyes wandering over to his cell phone that lay on his desk. He could end it with a simple telephone call. However, grabbing the phone and pushing the call button had never seemed so hard.
How much time had passed until he had finally found the courage to get up and take his phone he didn’t know, but he paced restlessly through his room for another ten minutes after he had taken it and blankly stared at the display. ‘You can end it with a simple phone call’ he told himself over and over again, rubbing his nape with his free hand. ‘You can do it’.
Kibum’s heart rate increased immediately when he heard the connecting sound coming from the speaker of his phone and he held his breath when Jinki’s voice got through to him.
“Hey.”
Jinki’s voice sounded so happy that it made Kibum lose all his spirit again. He didn’t know what to say anymore.
“Kibum? Hello?”
Kibum was silent, holding his cell phone against his ear, nervously nibbling on his bottom lip, staring outside the window. It had started to rain earlier, the sky wearing a mournful gray. Maybe it had been a bad idea to call him. Maybe it had been a bad idea to even come to London.
“Kibum? Are you okay? Can you hear me?”
Kibum’s look wandered over to his bed sheets, a short memory of last night flashing right in front of his eyes. He saw Jonghyun’s trembling naked chest beneath his fingertips and for a short second he felt the other’s lips on his skin again. But as soon as he blinked the image was gone.
“Kibum?”
“Yeah.”
His voice sounded less stable than he wanted it to and he walked over to his bed, sitting down on it again.
“Is everything okay?”
He could do it.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Kibum tried to concentrate, fingers nervously playing with the seam of his blanket. What would Jinki say? He noticed a single dark hair lying on his bed sheet and picked it up. It had to be Jonghyun’s. He turned it between his fingertips before he let it fall down again.
“I’m happy you called. How’s London?”
How was London? London felt like freedom.
“It’s nice, but it’s raining today. How are you doing?”
Avoiding the main purpose of his call didn’t help his discomfort and he silently listened to Jinki talk about his job and a new colleague, only humming in response when he thought it was needed. Sometimes he wondered why Jinki had fallen in love with him – of all people. Had he never noticed that they were like magnets that pushed each other away?
“I’m going out for dinner with Yonghwa and the others tonight. Are you already missing Korean food?”
“Until now I’m fine. London offers food from all over the world which is nice. So I can try something else every day.”
Kibum licked his lips when silence occurred, knowing that this was his chance. You can do it. What would happen if he told him? Was it really the right thing to do?
“What’s wrong, Kibum?”
“I…I have to…tell you something.”
He pressed his thumb and forefinger against the bridge of his nose, trying to form a sentence in his head word by word. Hurting Jinki wasn’t his intention, but he knew that this would be inevitable. How could he make this situation as painless as possible? Was it even possible to make it painless?
“What is it? Did something happen?”
The concern in Jinki’s voice was clearly visible, making it even harder for Kibum to tell the other the truth. He lay down on his bed then, burying his nose into the pillow. It smelled of Jonghyun and sex.
“I…,” he started and turned onto his back, closing his eyes to concentrate. “I had sex with someone.”
As soon as he had said it out loud he held his breath, waiting for a response, but there was none at first only silence.
“You are joking, right?”
Kibum couldn’t quite interpret the tone in the other’s voice, but the happiness he had heard in the beginning of their conversation was completely gone.
“I’m not.”
A sigh left Kibum’s lips and his hand glided over his face, his mind still not fully grasping the situation.
“Why?”
Now there was clearly hurt audible in the other’s voice and it made Kibum’s heart ache. Jinki deserved better than this. Jinki deserved someone better than him.
“I’m…I’m just not happy anymore…our relationship…reached a dead-end. I…it just happened.”
He could have apologized, but he didn’t.
“So, what does this mean? …You want to end it?”
Kibum paused and closed his eyes. He needed to say it. There was no way around it.
“Yes… I…I think it’s for the best.”
It was, he was sure of it even if his voice didn’t sound that convincing right now. He waited for a reply, for anything, but nothing happened. He heard Jinki’s breath on the other end of the line until the connection was suddenly terminated and all Kibum could hear was a beeping sound. At first he was confused, thinking that a technical error had cut the connection, but when he tried to call Jinki again his call was rejected. Not knowing what to think or feel Kibum stared impassively at the display of his cell phone, his mind a blank space.
Was this the end? Why did he hang up on him just like that? Was Jinki so indifferent? Or did he just need some time to think? A feeling of loneliness crept inside him, spreading into every limb like a disease. He wanted to talk to someone, but didn’t know who. All of a sudden it appeared as if a big part of his life had just disappeared with a flick of his fingers. That’s what he had wanted for so long, but why did he feel so empty all of a sudden? He only realized that he was crying when he felt saltiness on his lips, fingers hastily wiping the wetness away. Why was he crying?
[Act Three]
Monday morning was exhausting. Kibum couldn’t concentrate, his thoughts wandering back and forth between the conversation he had had with Jinki and the night he had spent with Jonghyun. He had tried to contact Jinki another few times on Sunday to talk things over but without any success. He had ignored every call and hadn’t replied to any messages.
They talked about the refugee policy in Europe, but while the others in class discussed this topic vigorously, Kibum sat silently on his seat, head bedded on the palm of his left hand, the fingers of his other hand playing with a ballpoint pen. He didn’t pay attention to anything the others said, his mind being in a total different place. He had dreamt of Jonghyun that previous night, wondering whether they would ever meet again. Neither did he have Jonghyun’s phone number nor did he know where the other lived. The sex they had on Sunday morning had been quite a revelation to Kibum and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. It had been so playful and carefree, something he hadn’t experienced in so long. Sex was supposed to be fun, but this aspect had been missing in his relationship. With Jonghyun lust had mixed with laughter and Kibum hadn’t known how good this mixture was.
“Dude, you were really out of it today.”
Minho nudged him with his shoulder on their way out of the building after their class had ended, Kibum only nodding in agreement. He didn’t intend on telling Minho anything about the past two days, not because he didn’t trust Minho, but because he didn’t feel comfortable enough to announce the end of his relationship just yet. Was it even over? He wanted to talk about it with Taemin, but his friend was in Japan and their conversations hadn’t been more than quick exchanges of emoticons every now and then over the past few days. Taemin had mastered the art of emoticons perfectly, telling whole stories without typing a single word. But even though he liked to receive messages from the other he would have preferred to talk to him face to face, hearing that he wasn’t a total dickhead and that he had done the right thing.
“We wanted to grab dinner at a Thai restaurant tonight, do you want to tag along?”
“Nah, not today. I need some alone time…just me, myself and I,” Kibum declined honestly, opening his transparent umbrella when they exited the building. It hadn’t stopped raining since Sunday morning and Kibum wondered if the weather simply mirrored his inner gloominess.
“Really? Oh come on, don’t be a spoilsport. I’m already getting worried.”
“Everything is fine. I’m just a little tired. Might be the weather.”
Their ways parted after they had their usual lunch together and Kibum walked home to his dormitory while Minho had decided to take a stroll through the city and take some pictures. He had told Kibum that he liked the change of atmosphere in a city when it rained and wanted to capture it. Kibum on the other hand was torn when it came to rain. He liked to watch raindrops patter against windows and enjoyed the sound of the steady drumming, but he disliked spending time outside while it rained. As a kid he had loved to play in the rain, jumping into every puddle he saw, but he had definitely grown out of this habit.
He wrapped his denim jacket closer around his body, trying to protect himself from the pouring rain that came from all sides. Water ran into his maroon high-top sneakers and he felt his feet getting wet, causing him to make a disgruntled face. He quickened his pace and already looked forward to a nice hot tea, a relieved sigh falling from his lips when he finally reached the entrance of his dormitory.
Back in his room he first took off his wet shoes, pants, and jacket which left him only in his Ramones T-shirt and a pair of red checkered boxers. After that he turned on the Wi-Fi signal on his cell phone and checked to see if Jinki had replied to any of his messages, but he hadn’t. The little ticks next to the messages showed him that Jinki had read them and it made Kibum sad and angry that the other didn’t have the courtesy to respond. He could understand that Jinki was probably hurt and upset, but they were both adults who should be able to have a reasonable conversation. But then again, if they were grownups and could have a serious talk, why had Kibum avoided talking to him until now despite the fact that he had been unhappy and had preferred to be unfaithful to Jinki instead of making a clean cut?
Kibum spent the day on his laptop, watching Youtube videos, updating himself on current world affairs and checking his social media sites. It was relaxing to not do anything for once even though the internet entertainment only helped partially in taking his thoughts off of Jinki and Jonghyun. It was his last week in London and he felt rather reluctant to go back to Seoul. He enjoyed living in England, the people were easy going and the culture was so diverse. Moreover, residing in London had a big advantage when it came to travelling. There were so many countries and cities he wanted to visit in Europe, and flights were cheap because everything was so close by. He definitely had to come back after graduating.
The last time he checked his cell phone for any messages from Jinki that day was when he was about to go to bed. But there was still no reply and Kibum started to wonder if there would ever be a response at all. He had thrown almost three years of a relationship out of the window and this concept still seemed rather unreal to him. Three years of a relationship thrown away because he had considered sex with a guy he had barely known to be more exciting than with his longtime boyfriend.
It took him a long time to fall asleep that night, all kinds of thoughts swarming around in his head. He went over past conversations and changed little bits to imagine a different outcome, this task keeping him awake until four in the morning.
The weather was better the next day and so was Kibum’s mood. He paid attention to the content of his English class and went out for a small picnic with Minho and some other people from his class. Luckily enough the meadow was dry and they could enjoy the sunshine with some fresh fruit and sweets, lying around on the grass while having light-hearted conversations.
When Kibum walked home later that day he felt rather exhausted from all the talking, the appearance of a slight headache not making things look any better. He wanted to take a nap before studying for his final test at the end of the week, the thought of lying in his bed soon making him walk faster. He couldn’t wait to get out of his clothes and dive into his bed when he saw a familiar figure sitting in front of the dormitory’s entrance, making him pause in his steps.
Jonghyun sat on the stairs, wearing a loose red checkered shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. His guitar bag was placed next to him and, as if he had felt Kibum’s presence, he looked up, a crooked smile immediately appearing on his lips.
“Hey,” he simply said and raised his hand, greeting him.
Kibum was flabbergasted and the only thing he managed to say was ‘Why are you here?’ before he came closer. Jonghyun was someone he hadn’t expected to see again. It was a pleasant and confusing surprise all at once.
“I realized that I don’t have your number so I thought I would wait in front of your door until you came back,” he said casually and stood up before he started to laugh sheepishly. “Wait… that sounded rather weird. I’m not a stalker or anything. I just wanted to make sure that I see you again…and I didn’t want to take any chances by counting on destiny this time.”
“How long have you been waiting here?” Kibum asked while opening the entrance door.
“No idea, maybe an hour or so?”
It was flattering to hear that Jonghyun had waited for him that long, but it also made him question Jonghyun’s intentions. Was he sexually insatiable and had several people in London he slept with when he felt like it?
“How many fuck buddies do you have in London?” he asked bluntly, pulling his shoulder bag over his head when they reached his room a little later.
“Fuck buddies?” Jonghyun cackled and took off his sneakers at the entrance. “Plenty,” he then added with a cheeky smile and Kibum wasn’t quite sure whether he was serious or joking.
“I will only stay here until Saturday so you might want to look for a new one to add to your list,” Kibum casually replied as he kicked off his shoes, switching on his laptop on the way to open the window.
“Really? Time flies.”
Jonghyun looked rather thoughtful and took off his guitar bag, leaning it against Kibum’s desk. He stared into space for a moment before he looked up as if he had remembered something, grinning broadly.
“How’s your friend, Minho? I don’t have his number, either.”
Kibum could only huff at the bluntness of this comment and lifted the blinds to let some sunshine inside. This guy was really something.
“I don’t think Minho will be interested.”
“Interested in what?”
“In having sex with you.”
Kibum flinched in surprise as a cackle of laughter rang in his ears and he turned around, seeing Jonghyun almost laugh tears.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, dumbfounded, and wondered if he had missed the punch line of a joke.
“You are,” he chuckled, trying to regain his posture. “What kind of person do you think I am? Some kind of sex addict? Minho is an attractive guy, yes, but he’s not my type. Despite that, I don’t go around and sleep with just anyone. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I don’t own a list with fuck buddies,” Jonghyun explained further, still wearing a big grin on his lips.
“I’m disappointed. That doesn’t sound very rock star like.”
Even though Kibum pretended to be disappointed he was somehow glad that he apparently wasn’t just anyone. He watched Jonghyun go over to his bed and fling himself onto the mattress like he was the one who lived in this room. It somehow fascinated Kibum how fast their relation had changed over the course of a mere three encounters. He was usually a very careful person, but with Jonghyun it seemed that all his caution had gone overboard.
“How’s your knee?” Kibum asked when he glanced down at Jonghyun’s leg, big holes in the fabric of his jeans making his knees visible.
“It’s okay again. Thanks. I tried not to move that much yesterday and that helped a lot.”
“That’s good to hear.”
Kibum sat down on the chair at his desk then, putting in his laptop’s password before checking his emails. Spam, spam, spam…nothing but spam. Just by looking at the screen for less than two minutes he felt fatigue creeping into his bones and he blinked his eyes, suppressing a yawn. Jonghyun clearly had come at the wrong time. All he wanted to do was take a nap, but his bed was already occupied by someone and throwing Jonghyun out didn’t feel like the right thing to do either.
“Hey, can you come over?”
When Kibum turned his head towards the bed he saw Jonghyun pat the free space next to him on the mattress.
“I’m not really up for sex right now.”
“Me neither,” Jonghyun retorted flatly and patted the mattress once again. A bit astonished Kibum furrowed his brow and then flipped his laptop shut. If it wasn’t for sex, why was he here? He got up from his chair and moved over to the bed, sitting down on it a little indecisively.
“Why are you here then?”
“Because I’m feeling lonely.”
“And why are you coming to me of all people?”
“Because I feel that you are lonely, too.”
It felt like Jonghyun had hit the nail on the head without realizing it and it left Kibum speechless for a moment. Was it so obvious that he felt lonely? He looked down at his hands and then up to Jonghyun who sent him a comforting smile. Loneliness was a feeling that was hard to grasp or explain. It was just there and one couldn’t do much to make it go away, at least that’s what Kibum thought. It followed you around like a silent companion, embracing every opportunity to pull you into a sea of self-doubt, confronting you with your deepest fears.
“Lie down with me for a bit.”
Kibum didn’t even bother to think about Jonghyun’s intentions anymore, but followed the other’s request and let his upper body sink down onto the mattress. When Jonghyun hugged him from behind and pulled his body closer to his chest Kibum slowly started to relax, eyes falling shut. He somehow felt protected. It was an odd concept to see him innocently lying in bed with someone he barely knew and still felt closer to than to most other people right now. He didn’t want to think of Jonghyun like this, but it seemed that somewhere between trying to get rid of Jonghyun the first time they had met, and now, Kibum had started to like him. Kibum still hadn’t figured the other one out and for all he knew Jonghyun could still be a serial killer, but all this didn’t matter right now, because Jonghyun was here with him and giving him something he hadn’t known he had needed; a hug.
“Why are you feeling lonely? You always seem to be surrounded by people,” Kibum asked after a while of comfortable silence, his eyes still closed.
“That’s all an illusion,” Jonghyun mumbled, his nose buried in Kibum’s hair. “The people I’ve met since I’ve come to London…they come and they go. Acquaintances are only brief. I always thought I knew what loneliness was, but I was so wrong. I only realized what it really feels like when I came here.”
Kibum didn’t really know what to say to that so he remained silent. To some extent he could relate to Jonghyun even though his loneliness had different roots. He placed his hand on Jonghyun’s hand that lay on his stomach and closed his fingers around it, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. Seeing Jonghyun, who always seemed like sunshine and rainbows, appear vulnerable made him think about his perception of other people. One could never tell how broken someone was just by looking at them. People were usually too preoccupied with their own problems to try to take a look behind the façade of others. Only now Kibum understood why Jonghyun had been so persistent in coming with him the night they first met. Jonghyun had been lonely, and maybe finding someone who was from South Korea and spoke his mother tongue had given him the feeling of being home again.
“Why are you not going back to Korea?”
“Maybe I should…I have often thought about it in the past few weeks, but…despite the loneliness I like it here. I’ve been so sick of this pressure back home. It’s all about having a good career, earning a lot of money and having a happy relationship. That’s all good, but it’s not something I’m striving for.”
“What are you striving for then?”
“Self-fulfillment.”
Self-fulfillment. That was a broad term and could basically be anything, Kibum thought, feeling how the tip of Jonghyun’s nose wandered along his nape, making him tremble.
“What does self-fulfillment mean to you?”
“When I’m on my death bed I don’t want to have any regrets. I might never make a lot of money with music, but it’s what makes me happy, and as long as I can keep myself above water I won’t give up on it.”
Kibum hummed understandingly, wondering what he wanted out of life. His plan was probably more reasonable than Jonghyun’s. He wanted a stable job with a good income – even though he wasn’t quite sure yet how to achieve that with a degree in English literature – and a life companion with whom he could share the rest of his life with. Jonghyun snuggled up to him, so close that there wasn’t even space for a piece of paper anymore. He felt the other’s chest against his back, Jonghyun’s arm still comfortably resting on his stomach. The cozy position he was in and the warmth that radiated from the body behind him made him slowly doze off, Jonghyun following suit after a while, both of the young men falling into a restful sleep.
When Kibum woke up again it was already dark outside and he yawned, rubbing his eyes with his hand. Apparently their position had changed slightly, because Kibum now lay on his back and could hardly move while Jonghyun lay on his stomach, his right leg and arm wrapped around Kibum’s body, his head nestled on his shoulder. Kibum didn’t know what time it was, because he couldn’t reach his phone without waking the other up. His body felt stiff and he had lost all feeling in his right arm which was buried under Jonghyun’s torso. When he tried to free his arm Jonghyun grumbled in protest, deep furrows forming on his forehead.
“Where are you going?” Jonghyun sounded still half asleep, his voice not more than a mutter.
“I’m not going anywhere. My arm has fallen asleep, that’s all.”
Jonghyun looked at him through one sleepy eye, his hair disheveled and his mouth formed to a pout. He looked kind of cute in the semi-darkness of the room, Kibum noted with a smile. Without saying anything Jonghyun moved a little to the side, a relieved sigh leaving Kibum’s lips when the weight was gone from his arm. He stretched his fingers, a tingling sensation spreading out in his arm.
The clock on his cell phone read 22:14 and he rubbed his face, knowing that he would have a hard time falling asleep after taking such a long nap. At least his headache was gone, which was a relief.
“What time is it?” Jonghyun turned onto his back, yawning loudly.
“Quarter past ten. We slept quite some time.”
“It was great, though…so silent. You can’t imagine what it feels like to sleep in a dorm with fifteen other people every night. There is always someone coughing, snoring or rustling with their sheets. It’s so annoying,” he complained, sounding quite pitiful.
Kibum couldn’t imagine ever having to share a room with that many people and felt sorry that the other had to sleep under such conditions.
“Why don’t you move into a room with less beds?” Kibum turned onto his side, propped up his head on his outstretched arm and looked at Jonghyun who turned towards him, their faces suddenly in close proximity to each other.
“Too expensive.”
They looked at each other for a moment before Jonghyun’s hand reached out for Kibum and pulled him closer by his neck, thumb stroking the skin under his ear. Jonghyun kissed him then, not frantic or sensual but slowly and softly. Even though the kiss was sweet and innocent Kibum’s body responded to it immediately; muscles tensing, heart beat increasing, his breathing quickening. Kibum didn’t know why his body always responded to Jonghyun’s ministrations that quickly. He leant into the kiss, hand moving purposefully down to the hem of Jonghyun’s shirt, fingers sliding beneath it, scraping along a prominent hip bone, his body pressing against the other’s. Jonghyun’s skin was so warm and soft. A low chuckle left Jonghyun’s lips and Kibum pulled back, looking at the other quizzically.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jonghyun replied and bit his bottom lip, his fingers gliding through Kibum’s hair attentively. “I actually just wanted to kiss you, but it seems you have something else on your mind than just kissing. I don’t mind, though.”
Before Kibum could respond, Jonghyun’s lips were on his again, this time a little more playful and provoking. Their interlude got more intense by the minute and soon both of them were kneeling on the mattress, freeing each other from their clothing.
“You are really leaving this week?” Jonghyun asked, pulling Kibum’s T-shirt over his head and throwing it in the general direction of the desk. The only answer he received was a hum, Kibum’s mouth being too busy with nipping on the thin skin around Jonghyun’s collarbones to give a proper answer, hands fumbling eagerly with the belt on Jonghyun’s jeans.
“That really sucks.”
Kibum looked up then, his eyes fixed on the other’s face while his fingers opened Jonghyun’s pants, pushing them down his hips.
“It does,” he admitted truthfully before kissing Jonghyun again. It really did. He didn’t want to go back to Seoul. He wanted to stay and see what life in London had in store for him. He hadn’t felt this free for a pretty long time and he wanted to wallow in the feeling of being finally able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. In Seoul he was only confronted with a broken relationship, anxiety about his future, and stress with his studies, but here in London he was able to leave everything behind – or at least he could pretend that he was – and it made breathing so much easier. He knew that he couldn’t run away forever, the clock was ticking, but he tried to make the best of the time that was left even if that meant starting a short impulsive affair with someone he hardly knew. It clearly was an affair, there was no way to deny that anymore.
After Kibum suggested that Jonghyun spend the night at his place again, both talked about everything and nothing until four in the morning because they couldn’t fall asleep after the long nap they had taken earlier. Sometime after midnight they had decided to cook something in the shared kitchen on Kibum’s dormitory floor, because they had skipped dinner and were hungry. It had been dead silent in the corridor and both had tiptoed to the kitchen and had warmed up some cup noodles to avoid any kind of noise caused by pots and pans. Kibum hadn’t been able to remember the last time he had eaten anything on a bed with someone, but it hadn’t been with Jinki, because he had been too much of a neat freak to allow anyone to eat on his bed.
The next morning was an awful one, because Kibum had to get up after only roughly three hours of sleep, his body protesting when he wanted to get up. His limbs felt like lead and it took him several attempts to finally stand up. He felt like he was hungover even though he hadn’t drunk anything, and when he looked into the mirror above the washbasin in the corner, he was frightened by his own reflection; deep circles visible under his eyes, his skin looking a little ashy. He splashed some water on his face and ran through a shortened version of his morning routine while Jonghyun was still sound asleep, making no attempt to even open his eyes.
After he was dressed up in comfortable blue jeans, and a very loose fitting white tank top he went over to his bed, shaking the other softly on the shoulder, smiling when discontentment showed on Jonghyun’s face.
“I need to go to class now.”
Jonghyun’s eyes opened when he heard that and he looked at Kibum, a loud yawn escaping his lips.
“What time is it?” he wondered, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
“It’s past eight.”
A disgruntled sound left Jonghyun’s lips and he stretched out his arms, clinging to Kibum’s legs.
“It’s in the middle of the night,” he murmured dramatically and Kibum felt how the other’s arms pulled him closer, making him almost lose his balance.
“Just sleep as long as you want.”
Kibum stroked the other’s hair before getting ready to leave the room.
“Thanks. Do I get a goodbye kiss?”
A tiny, cheeky smile appeared on Jonghyun’s lips which made Kibum laugh. He liked that playful side, it was refreshing. He leaned down then, placing a quick kiss on Jonghyun’s lips and gasped in surprise when the other held him in place by his neck, pulling him down so Kibum lost his balance and had to place his hands on the mattress to not fall onto the other.
“I need to go,” Kibum whispered with a smile on his lips when Jonghyun started to place kisses along his jaw and neck.
“You smell nice today.”
“Only today?”
Jonghyun grinned and placed a last peck on his lips before letting Kibum go.
“You always smell nice… especially here.”
Jonghyun pointed to the area behind his ear while Kibum stood up and straightened his clothes. Kibum frowned. No one had ever told him that this area smelled especially nice. Before leaving he took a pen and grabbed Jonghyun’s arm, writing down his telephone number in big clear numbers. If Jonghyun wanted to see him again it was better to contact him than to wait in front of his dorm for hours.
“You should have given me your number earlier, you know,” Jonghyun grinned after looking at the number on his arm, causing Kibum to shrug indifferently.
“You never asked.”
With that, Kibum waved Jonghyun goodbye and left the dormitory, a smile visible on his face despite his lack of sleep.
Like the class discussion about the refugee crises in Europe on Monday, the pros and cons about the possible exit of Britain from the EU caused a similarly heated talk within the group of students that day. Minho fiercely argued against an exit, sounding all smart and well informed when he presented different detailed scenarios from an economical as well as a social point of view, making the other students in the room – including Kibum – look at him in awe. When he was done with his argument, he had that self-satisfied look on his face of a lawyer whose client was just acquitted of a charge. As Kibum looked around he noticed that even the guy who previously had been for the exit – for the sake of discussion – was silenced now, his body sinking deeper into his chair. Kibum wrote ‘Smartass’ on the edge of his notepad, tearing the piece of paper out and pushing it over to Minho who only glanced at it and then pinched Kibum’s thigh with a smile on his face, making the other flinch.
“I knew you were smart to begin with, but damn…your debating skills are on point. I felt kind of dumb to be honest. How do you know all this?” Kibum asked when they walked along the plaza in front of the university building and rummaged around in his bag to look for his sunglasses.
The sky was painted in a vibrant blue that day, the leaves of the trees rustling from the soft breeze. It was a lovely day, but by now Kibum knew of the quick changes in weather in London and had put an umbrella in his bag just to be on the safe side.
“Ah, that was nothing, really. Believe me, our interests are just different. You know all this literature stuff…I have no idea about this at all. I know who Shakespeare is, but that’s about it. I just like economics and politics a lot.”
Minho shrugged his shoulders, looking at Kibum through big dark sunglasses. He was dressed up really casually today, wearing a black tight-fitting T-shirt and a pair of blue jeans topped with a dark blue baseball cap. It was quite an unusual style for someone who usually dressed up all classy and businesslike.
“Hey, shall we go somewhere else for lunch today? I’m really craving some Korean food and someone in my dorm told me of a place that sells authentic Korean dishes. I really want to try it out.”
“Sure. Why not? Where is it?”
When Kibum finally found his sunglasses he put them on, curiously watching the pedestrians through his dark tinted glasses.
“It’s in Soho. He told me it’s only a ten minute walk from the university.”
With that they walked along the streets of London, enjoying the sun on their skin and the general atmosphere of the city. Sun seemed to lighten up everyone’s mood, because even the always grim looking business men in their dark suits seemed a little more relaxed today. After Minho checked the directions on his phone they found the restaurant in less than ten minutes and Kibum felt really welcomed by its bright and modern design. It was a small restaurant with only ten tables, the whole interior decorated in white with a touch of red here and there. They sat down at an empty table next to a window facing the street and looked around curiously. The girl who served them was probably younger than them and not Korean. She gave them the menus with a smile and took their orders for drinks.
Minho and Kibum decided quite quickly what to eat and less than fifteen minutes later they were happily munching on their food. Kibum had ordered Bibimbap while Minho had preferred a plate of Bulgogi, both of them making happy sounds while scooping the food into their mouths with chopsticks. He should recommend this restaurant to Jonghyun, Kibum thought and looked out of the restaurant, wondering if the other was still asleep in his bed.
“Hey, how are things with your boyfriend? You haven’t mentioned him for a while.”
A little startled by this question Kibum’s eyes widened and he didn’t really know what to answer.
“Why are you asking?” was the only thing he could come up with.
He hadn’t mentioned Jinki for some obvious reasons, reasons Minho didn’t know of, though.
“I don’t know. You have that dreamy, lovestruck teenager look on your face today, so I thought you might have had a nice conversation with him or something.”
Minho winked at him, a cheeky grin appearing on his lips before he turned his focus back to the meat in front of him. Lovestruck? Him? In love with whom? There was no one. Jinki was out of the picture and even though it still was hard to comprehend, Kibum was quite happy about that. He was a free man again who wanted to take a step back from all things love related. Love was a complicated thing. Something he didn’t need for the time being. He wanted to concentrate on himself for a while before letting another man in his life.
“We’ve broken up,” Kibum said flatly, stuffing his mouth with some rice and vegetables. It felt weird, saying it out loud. It felt like he was talking about the relationship of a third person and not his own.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Minho said apologetically, furrowing his brows when Kibum shook his head.
“No need to say sorry. It was better for everyone involved,” Kibum explained quickly, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket when it started to vibrate.
A little confused he looked at the screen, two messages from an unknown number popping up. The confusion was taken over by a feeling of delight when he opened the messages and saw a photo of a very sleepy looking Jonghyun who blinked at him with tousled brown hair and appeared to still lie half-naked in his bed. The message beneath read
– I slept for another three hours. ^^” Thanks for letting me stay at your place. The night was great! Contact me if you care to see me again. – Jonghyun –
What a dork. He looked at the picture for another second before locking the screen of his cell phone and putting it back into his pocket. The grin Minho sent his way after he looked up again was one of amusement, but when he asked why he was grinning the other only shook his head, taking a sip from his glass of coke. To avert the spotlight from himself Kibum asked Minho about any news from his girlfriend, the other getting the hint and changing the subject immediately. That’s why he liked Minho. He knew when it was time to stop probing someone about things they didn’t really want to talk about.
After lunch they headed to Green Park near Buckingham Palace, lying down on the meadow next to a field of purple flowers and discussing their final exam of the summer program. Both didn’t really know how to learn for it, because it wouldn’t be a classical grammar or multiple choice exam. Mrs. Smith had told them that they would get different topics regarding current affairs to choose from and then had to debate it in the form of an essay. It sounded easy enough, but time was always a problem for Kibum. Especially if he had to use a more scientific tone in his writing, he always struggled with finding the right words. So he practiced with Minho, building up word fields on a piece of paper while watching a group of kindergartners playing tag with their teacher close by.
They studied like this for about an hour before Kibum lost interest in searching for words, preferring to pluck the daisies around him instead to weave them into a flower crown, putting the finished result on Minho’s baseball cap. Both had a good laugh when Minho asked him if he looked like a Princess now in a cute voice, his hands framing his face.
If Kibum had the option to choose where he wanted to live, he would never go back to Seoul. Instead he would arrange for Taemin to move to London as well so they could all have a great time together in England. He was quite sure the younger would love London as well, especially for the girls. Taemin always had had a thing for foreigners, so living abroad would probably benefit his sex life a lot.
“I think it suits you better,” Minho announced with a smile and placed the flower crown cautiously on Kibum’s blond hair, Kibum immediately starting to pose like a model in response, both bursting out in laughter after a moment.
It was already four when Kibum got back to his dorm room, his bed looking rather empty without Jonghyun in it. The other had neatly made his bed and had even cleaned up the packages of cup noodles they had eaten the night before. He took off his self-made flower crown and placed it onto his desk and let himself fall onto his bed with an exhausted sigh. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to think about nothing but blankness.
He took a deep breath before he opened his eyes again, staring straight up at the ceiling. It was scary how quickly time had flown by. It had been over three weeks since his first night in this room. Over three weeks since he had met Jonghyun in a bar and had had sex with him. With this thought in mind he pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking the photo Jonghyun had sent him earlier once again. There was something about that face that wasn’t as average as Kibum had made Taemin believe the first time he had mentioned Jonghyun. Was it because of the mouth that looked so kissable, or the look in his eyes that seemed so seductive? Kibum tilted his head, not finding a clear answer to this question. He puffed his cheeks. Jonghyun. Jonghyun. Jonghyun. What am I going to do with you? It was a hypothetical question, because he would be back in Seoul in a few days and wouldn’t be able to do anything with the other anymore. Pity!
His phone started vibrating after he had turned on the Wi-Fi and when he checked his messenger app he was surprised to see that he had received a message from Jinki. - We need to talk. Call me when you are home. - He felt his heart miss a beat and found it difficult to swallow all of a sudden. Even though it was just a text it sounded rather commanding and Kibum didn’t know what to make out of it. He had wanted to talk to Jinki, but now that the other actually showed a sign of life he was scared. It was past midnight in Korea and Kibum wondered if Jinki was already asleep or still awake, awaiting his call.
Why did he only contact him now? Kibum pressed the palm of his hand against his forehead, trying to take a deep breath. It was just a phone call. But why did the thought of it make him feel so uncomfortable?
He called Jinki via messenger, internally hoping that the other was already sound asleep, palms getting sweaty. He bit his tongue when the other picked up, not really knowing what to say. He should have prepared this.
“Hey,” his voice cracked, making him feel even more awkward.
“Hey.”
Jinki’s voice sounded tired but calm.
“You…you wanted to talk?” He wondered why it was so hard to talk to someone he had lived together with for so long. Was it because he had hurt Jinki and knew that there was nothing he could do about it? Nothing to make it better again?
“Yeah, I needed some time to think…and…now…I just want answers to some questions I have.”
“What questions?”
Kibum fumbled with the bed sheets beneath him, not really sure if he really wanted to hear Jinki’s questions.
“Have you slept with other people behind my back before?”
Kibum’s eyes widened and he shook his head, needing a moment to realize that Jinki couldn’t see his reaction.
“No, I haven’t,” he answered truthfully, feeling like a suspect in an interrogation all of a sudden. That Jinki thought that he would do something like sleeping around on a regular basis hurt his feelings.
“Why did you really go to London?”
“Because…I needed some space…some time to think.”
“To think about what?”
A deep sigh left Kibum’s lips and he massaged his left temple, closing his eyes to concentrate better.
“How I want to go on with my life. I wasn’t happy anymore…for a very long time. This…our relationship…it didn’t make any sense to me anymore.”
There was silence on the other end of the line and for a second Kibum thought Jinki would hang up on him again, but he didn’t.
“So you decided to leave this country…this continent even…so you have your time to think instead of directly talking to me? Why? Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
Why didn’t he just talk to him? If it was that easy. Kibum had often wondered about it and Taemin had often asked him the same question, but Kibum never had had an answer to it. He simply couldn’t talk to Jinki. There always had been some kind of barrier between them which had made it seem impossible to Kibum to have a talk about feelings with the other. Even now it felt unnatural to have a conversation like this with Jinki. Jinki was someone you could talk sports and military with…not feelings. At least that’s what he had always believed.
“I couldn’t. I’m sorry…but I couldn’t.”
There was silence again and Kibum nervously nibbled on his bottom lip, not knowing what the other thought or what Jinki even expected to hear from him.
“You are really the most self-centered person I’ve ever met.”
Jinki said this blunt sentence without any hint of emotion, but that wasn’t really needed, it still hit Kibum right in the stomach.
“It has always been just about you. You felt bad? Great. Instead of talking to me like every normal person would, you decided to drown yourself in self-pity…probably seeing yourself as a victim. Instead of talking to me, you fled to another country and fucked some random stranger without even thinking if you would hurt me with that. I can’t believe how full of yourself you are. It’s always just about you. Grow up, Kibum…you are not eighteen anymore.”
Kibum lay on his bed in silence, hearing the other talk, but only slowly comprehending what Jinki was actually saying. Self-pity. Full of yourself. It’s always about you. He stared up at the ceiling again like he so often did, letters forming into words and flying around in front of his eyes. Grow up.
“You know…I really believed in us as a team. I really thought we could make this work. Hearing that you were so unhappy in this relationship without ever saying anything about it…really fucking hurt. I thought we had a grown-up relationship…but I start to believe that I was the only grownup in it. I can’t believe I wasted almost three years of my life with someone who wasn’t serious about this. Since you ended this relationship in such a fashion…I hope that you realize that you can pack your bags when you get back to Seoul…Bye.”
With that last word the phone call ended, Jinki hanging up on him without a moment of hesitation. It was like he didn’t even want to hear Kibum’s point of view. Jinki had already made up his mind and it only became clear to him now that the other never had had the intention to talk things over in the first place, he had only wanted to make a point, trying to get back at him for behaving the way he had. Kibum couldn’t even be angry about it, because he understood and yet he started crying. Jinki’s words had hurt, had hurt so much, because deep down Kibum knew that they were true at least to some extent. He had been self-centered, only thinking about his feelings and never trying to relate to the other.
Tears didn’t change anything about the situation and they also didn’t make him feel better, but he couldn’t stop them from rolling down his cheeks. Man up, Kibum, he told himself, pulling his tank up to wipe away the tears. He tried to imagine how he would feel if their roles were reversed and the thought was devastating. If you loved someone and spent your time with them, lived with them and then had to find out that the other hadn’t been happy in this relationship for so long probably felt like someone pulled the ground away from under one’s feet.
Shattering.
Kibum pressed the palms of his hands against the sockets of his eyes, trying to control his breathing. He had deserved that. Jinki had had the right to say the things he had said. The way Kibum had treated him wasn’t right, and the feeling of disorientation that settled in his stomach might be the price he had to pay for it.
When he calmed down again, he wrote Taemin a message, hoping that the other might be still awake as well. He just wanted to see some happy emoticons pop up on his screen and try to imagine what the other looked like if he actually pulled such faces. The last time they had written each other was when Taemin had been to a Karaoke bar with friends in Shinjuku, Tokyo. He didn’t think he would miss the bubbly personality of the other one while being in London, but Taemin had grown on him during the time they had known each other, and sometimes Taemin felt like a little brother to him. Kibum didn’t receive a reply and therefore put his cell phone down, thinking what else he could do to distract himself from thinking about the conversation he just had.
He then decided to watch movies on his laptop, finding a clear stream of Notting Hill - one of his favorite movies of all time. Was there a better way to avoid thinking about one’s own love life than watching someone else’s? He noticed how heavy his eyelids got while watching the movie and even though he only wanted to close his eyes for a second he fell asleep soon afterwards.
His inner clock had clearly changed during his stay in London. Back home he never napped and was always on the road, always pushing his body to its limits. But it seemed that his body had decided to take a vacation as well, taking every chance it got to rest now. Maybe it was from emotional exhaustion, Kibum didn’t know, but when he woke up it was dark outside yet again and he cursed under his breath, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep when he was actually supposed to sleep like everyone else. It was past ten when he decided to make dinner, cooking some rice with eggs and vegetables. Due to the horrendous eating habits he had developed over the past few weeks he felt like he had already gained three kilos, pinching his stomach every time he stood naked under the shower with an exasperated sigh. He was the only one in the kitchen, because no one in their right mind started to cook this late in the evening.
After dinner he went back to his room and sat down on his bed, his left and right hand resting on the edges of the mattress. Kibum was now wide awake and had no idea what he could do, feeling like a kid during summer vacation whose friends were all travelling with their families while he was the only one left alone at home. He tilted his head back, trying to think of what to do, but couldn’t come up with anything. So he took off his tank top and his jeans and pulled his sleeping T-shirt over his head instead. When he was back in his bed with the lights turned off, he watched the dim light of the moon shining against the wall next to him.
Lying in his bed with nothing to distract him brought him back to thinking about Jinki and about what he had said. The phone call played out in his mind over and over again. He was alone now. There was no Jinki anymore. He wondered how long it would take for Jinki to start dating again and what kind of person he would look for? Would he avoid any kind of man that resembled Kibum? It was odd to imagine Jinki with someone else, but just like him Jinki was a free man again.
With a deep sigh Kibum reached out for his cell phone, turning on the Wi-Fi to read up on daily news before checking some fashion blogs. Usually fashion blogs helped him to relax and calm down, but today that didn’t seem to help, so he closed the tabs and decided to browse through the photos he had taken the past few days. But instead of looking at pictures he had taken he ended up with Jonghyun’s photo on his screen. He wondered if the other was still awake. As far as he had gotten to know him Jonghyun seemed to be even more of a night owl than he currently was. Why had Jonghyun sent him this picture of himself? Did he already expect Kibum to look at him more than once? Did he want to remind him of what he would miss out on if he didn’t contact him anymore? No matter what his ulterior motive was…it worked.
After receiving Jonghyun’s text during lunch time his phone had automatically added the other’s phone number in his messenger app, so Kibum opened the app and looked for Jonghyun’s contact. The other didn’t have a photo of himself as profile picture but of his guitar, reminding Kibum that Jonghyun had told him that he was basically married to his music instrument the first time they had met.
– Hey, still awake? – It was a short and simple message, but Kibum didn’t really know what else to write. He waited; one minute, two minutes, three minutes, four minutes, five minutes...and already wanted to close the app when he saw dots forming beneath the message he had sent, informing him that Jonghyun was typing something. – Hey, I am. It’s still early, isn’t it. :) – A smile formed on Kibum’s lips and he bit his lip, replying to the other’s message right away.
– What are you doing? –
– I’m working on lyrics, you? –
– Can’t sleep. TT_TT –
Kibum looked at the screen of his phone, seeing dots appear and then disappear again for quite some time. What was taking him so long? Was he writing a novel length response?
– Want me to come over? –
Just then the conversation had taken an interesting turn. Kibum rolled around on his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows, typing a reply.
– Isn’t it too late already? It’s almost midnight –
– Give me fifteen minutes –
Jonghyun didn’t send any responds to the messages Kibum sent afterwards, making it seem like he was really on his way to his dormitory. He spent too much time with Jonghyun, didn’t he? Kibum scratched his brow, taking a deep breath. He had to be careful. Kim Kibum was now a single man who only wanted to enjoy life and find pleasure in nice things – the nice thing in this case being having sex with Jonghyun. No attachments and no hard feelings when it was over.
He got up, turned on the light and went over to the mirror to check his reflection. Kibum ruffled his hair a bit before giving himself a thumbs up, not really knowing what to do while waiting for the other to arrive. He aimlessly wandered around in his room, clapping his hands and making weird noises with his mouth.
Twenty minutes later his mobile phone started to vibrate and when he checked he saw a message from Jonghyun, saying - I’m in front of your dormitory now, but you don’t have a name tag for the bell button -. After reading this he pressed the switch beneath the one for the light next to the door, pushing it for several seconds to make sure that Jonghyun got inside. Then he opened the door, waiting for the elevator to stop on his floor. It took around two minutes before he heard the elevator doors open, causing him to peek outside.
There he was, stepping casually outside the elevator, hands buried in blue washed-out skinny jeans that were just as ripped as his black jeans had been. He wore a black T-Shirt with white lettering on it and a black hoodie which was way too big for his build, the hood pulled over his head. Jonghyun hadn’t noticed Kibum at first, because he was busy with removing a pair of earplugs from his ears and wrapping the chord around his cell phone. Only after that he looked up he saw the other, a smile appearing on his lips.
“Couldn’t wait to see me, could you?” he joked, winking at Kibum with a smile on his lips.
“Long time no see,” Kibum replied sardonically, moving aside to let Jonghyun inside his room. When Jonghyun pulled the hood down Kibum noticed that his hair was wet, despite the fact that it hadn’t been raining.
“Have you taken a shower before coming here?”
“Actually yes, I have. Didn’t want to show up all sweaty and smelly,” Jonghyun explained, tousling his brown bangs. That wet look certainly had an odd appeal to it. Now Kibum felt rather bad for not having showered as well, but until twenty minutes ago he hadn’t even expected to get a visitor this late.
“Do you want me to shower, too?”
“Was that invitation to shower together?” Jonghyun grinned, making Kibum feel a little embarrassed for a moment.
“No, but I haven’t had the time for a shower today,” because you kept me awake all night and made me so exhausted during the day that I preferred sleep over a shower, he added in his mind. He tensed when Jonghyun came up to him then, his muscles flexing when Jonghyun leaned forward, nose running along his neck.
“You smell just fine,” Jonghyun declared, but instead of taking a step back again he stayed where he was, one hand gliding up to Kibum’s face, cupping his cheek and the other settling down on the small of his back, pulling him even closer. Kibum’s heart fluttered in his chest and he felt the tension in his loins increasing.
Jonghyun’s lips felt soft on his when he started kissing him, nibbling on his bottom and upper lip, engaging him in a sweet display of affection. Kibum liked the familiarity he felt by now when they kissed. There wasn’t any of the awkwardness of a one-night stand left between them. He leaned further into the kiss when the hand on his cheek wandered down his body to join the other on his back, fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his boxers, grabbing his butt. Jonghyun grinned into the kiss when his fingers started kneading the soft flesh, Kibum’s hands sliding down to the other’s pants, opening the button of Jonghyun’s trousers.
“I think I know of a way to make you tired,” Jonghyun whispered into Kibum’s ear before pulling him over to the bed, both landing naked onto the mattress a few minutes later. Kibum’s whole body quivered, back arching beneath the other’s ministrations.
As vocal as Jonghyun was in his everyday life, he wasn’t much of a talker during sex. It felt like he preferred to let actions speak rather than words, making Kibum feel like he was floating in midair just by using his skillful tongue on his body. The sexual tension between them was so tangible that it didn’t even surprise Kibum that they had sex every time they met. When Kibum had first encountered Jonghyun he wouldn’t have believed it, but now he was convinced that they were a perfect match in bed.
Another short night and another tantalizing morning followed Jonghyun’s late night visit and Kibum had even more trouble getting out of bed, yawn after yawn leaving his lips while he dressed. Last night might had just been a little too intense, he realized after checking himself in the mirror, some hickeys spread over his torso, his body feeling sore.
It felt like déjà vu when he woke up Jonghyun half an hour later, saying the same things he had the previous day. Even the reaction was similar, sleepy eyes meeting his gaze, a tiny pout forming on Jonghyun’s lips.
“It’s already morning?”
He yawned and stretched, his body lying completely bare in front of Kibum’s eyes. It was tempting to skip class and go back to bed again, but it was the last regular lesson before his exam and he didn’t want to miss it.
“Stay as long as you want,” Kibum said leisurely and watched Jonghyun’s fingers scratch a spot next to the fine line of hair beneath his navel in the most seductive way. Did he do that on purpose?
“Until you come back?”
Kibum smiled, leaning down to give Jonghyun a short goodbye kiss. He wondered if a kiss on the lips as a sign of farewell might send the wrong message. Was this action too intimate for a guy he had casual sex with? He never had had casual sex before and didn’t know where the lines were that shouldn’t be crossed or if such borders even existed.
“You don’t have your guitar here. You would get bored.”
“You’re right, but can I come back tonight?”
A nod was Kibum’s only response before he got up and grabbed his shoulder bag, waving Jonghyun goodbye before leaving his room.
Images of the previous night flashed repeatedly in front of his eyes on his way to English class, making him smile to himself all the while. The other pedestrians probably thought he had gone crazy, running around with a big smile on his face, but they didn’t know why he was smiling and he certainly didn’t care what they thought. The sky was gray and to Kibum it looked like it would start raining soon. British weather was really unpredictable.
During their last official lesson Kibum and his classmates reviewed all learning material once again and Kibum already felt incredibly bored after only half an hour. He should have stayed in bed with Jonghyun was all he could think about when Mrs. Smith went over all the discussion topics they had covered in the past few weeks. Even Minho who had turned out to be the model student of the class seemed bored, doodling absentmindedly in his notebook.
Time had passed by so fast and it was hard to believe that Kibum was about to leave in two days already. Sometimes it still felt like he had only arrived yesterday. Time always remained the same, ticking away in the same old rhythm, but still it seemed that for kids time couldn’t go by fast enough while grownups tried to stop time from moving all too quickly. It was fascinating how the perception of time changed depending on the different stages in one’s life.
After three exhausting hours of class were finally over, Ester, the girl from Sweden, announced to everyone that she had reserved tables at a pub for the next evening, wanting everyone to come so they could celebrate some kind of farewell party, because like Kibum and some others from their class, Ester would fly back to her home country after the summer program was over.
“Ah, oppa…I don’t want you to leave,” Elena wailed in Korean in a very theatrical way, grabbing Kibum by the arm who looked at her and started to grin.
“Oppa…won’t be gone forever,” he replied in Korean just as dramatically, taking her hands into his and making it look like he was about to propose.
Both of them started laughing after a moment of intense eye contact before Elena let go of him and slapped Kibum lightly on the shoulder. After he had found out that Elena had a soft spot for Korean dramas they had tended to burst out into random Korean drama phrases from time to time to the amusement of everyone around them. Elena was another person he would definitely miss when he went back to Korea.
“But seriously. You have to visit me in Valencia…you have to. It’s beautiful there. You will love it. You can stay at my place and I will show you around,” she insisted before leaving with some other people from their class, throwing an air-kiss at Kibum.
“You are so popular with the ladies,” Minho quipped and grabbed his backpack, following Kibum outside of the classroom. Kibum pretended like he hadn’t heard that comment and walked down the stairs, a look outside confirming his speculation from earlier. It really had started to rain and with a sigh he pulled out his umbrella, opening it after they had exited the building.
They went to their usual café, had sandwiches and coffee and talked about Kibum’s departure to Korea. It was a normal conversation about packing and cleaning up the room, leaving for the airport and so on, a total normal conversation until Minho dropped a question out of nowhere that caused Kibum to almost choke on his coffee.
“By the way…how’s your love life going?”
“What?”
Kibum wiped his lips, looking at Minho as if he had just asked him whether he had murdered someone. It wasn’t like Minho to talk about matters that were too personal. Until now the other had been quite subtle about things, never asking too indiscreet questions. Had he done something to catch Minho’s interest? Maybe he shouldn’t have told the other that his relationship had ended.
“You are not supposed to ask such questions,” Kibum mumbled into his coffee, causing Minho to laugh.
“Why? Am I too straightforward? I just noticed that you have…,” he pointed at his own collarbone that was hidden beneath a white dress shirt. “…it doesn’t look like a regular bruise. That’s all.”
Kibum’s hand instantly went up to the collar of his black T-shirt, awkwardly pulling it up to hide a hickey. It probably had been a bad idea to wear something with a low-cut collar that made it possible to see the remains of last night’s activities depending on how he moved. He should change into something else as soon as he got home.
“It’s nothing,” Kibum replied quickly and bit into his sandwich, munching on a piece of bread with cheese, salad and tomatoes while trying to avoid further eye contact with Minho.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to probe,” Minho said after a while, taking a sip from his coffee. Minho was a person who was always in harmony with himself and his surroundings and whenever he felt that he had stepped on someone’s toes he back-pedaled and tried to make it up to them. It was an admirable characteristic that not many people in modern society seemed to possess anymore. The word sorry was used all too seldom in Kibum’s opinion.
“It’s okay. Never mind.”
After lunch they decided to go to an amusement arcade near London Eye, spending their afternoon with playing air hockey, bowling, and billiard in a multistory building that exploded with light installations. It was a frustrating experience for Kibum, because it appeared that Minho was a professional in every game they tried, beating him relentlessly without a spark of guilt. However, to redeem himself Minho spent a lot of money and time on the colorful claw machines located on the first floor and verbally insulted them until he finally pulled out a Disney Stitch plush toy, making a little victory dance before giving it to Kibum as a gift.
It was already late afternoon when they decided to head back to their dorms. Waterloo station was crammed with people who came from work and Kibum held onto Minho’s arm to not lose him in the crowd, people hectically passing them on the escalators to get to the next arriving metro on time. Kibum always got slightly dizzy on the escalators in London, because the tubes leading down to the station seemed never ending.
“Oh, I totally forgot to tell you something,” Minho announced when they reached the bottom and looked for the metro that would take them back to their dorms.
“What is it?”
Kibum tugged at Minho’s wrist when the other wanted to walk into the wrong direction and navigated them to the correct platform.
“You remember Jonghyun that street musician?”
All of a sudden Kibum was all ears and turned his head to look at Minho.
“I saw him at the Japan Centre at Piccadilly Circus yesterday. He was skimming through some magazine. He had his guitar with him again.”
“Oh, did you talk to him?”
Kibum tried to sound as casual as possible, because he didn’t want to look like he wanted to hear detailed information about Jonghyun.
“Yeah. He seemed like a nice guy when we met him in the park the other day, didn’t he? So why not say hello.”
Jonghyun was a nice guy indeed. Kibum nodded and followed Minho into the next train that arrived, the two of them pressed together like a pair of sardines when more and more people got on the train, the Stitch plush toy squeezed between them. Kibum hated crammed places with a passion, they always made him feel like he was about to suffocate.
“What did he say?”
Kibum wondered why Jonghyun hadn’t mentioned that he had met Minho the day before. It wasn’t an important information, but it was always interesting to see how people met again especially if it was in a place as big as London.
“He will perform at a pub on Saturday night and invited me to come. It sucks that you will be on your way to Seoul by then otherwise we could go together. Maybe I will ask the others if they want to tag along.”
It somehow bothered Kibum that Jonghyun hadn’t even told him about an upcoming gig, making him feel like he didn’t really know Jonghyun at all. He’s just a fling there’s no need to know him that well, Kibum tried to tell himself to soothe his conscience, but that didn’t work very well.
Minho’s and Kibum’s ways parted at Goodge Street station and Kibum trotted to his dormitory, holding his umbrella close over his head to avoid the rainfall as best as possible. When he finally got back to his room he was slightly disappointed to find it empty. He didn’t know why, but somehow he had hoped that Jonghyun would be still there, waiting for him. After taking off his shoes Kibum placed the plush toy on his desk and sat down on his bed, turning on his Wi-Fi to check possible messages.
To his surprise he had a bunch of new ones; some from Jonghyun, from his mum and even from Taemin. Being a good son he first sent his mum a quick update, telling her that everything was okay and that he would be back in Korea on Sunday. After that he checked Taemin’s message that consisted of several emoticons. The first one was a hand pointing at him, the second showed an old fashioned red telephone, the third a person with waving blond hair standing on top of a surfboard which Taemin usually used when he was talking about himself, two clocks-one of them showing twelve and the other one, and the last emoticon was the Japanese flag.
The message was quite easy to decipher and didn’t need a lot of imagination on Kibum’s side unlike many others of Taemin’s random messages. So apparently Kibum was supposed to call the other sometime between midnight and one am Japanese time. There was still some time left until then, but he tried his luck anyway and video called Taemin who was on the other side of the world, a smile appearing on his lips when the other picked up right away.
“Konbanwa…,” Taemin greeted Kibum excitedly in Japanese, the quality of the video a lot better than it had been the last time they had talked. It was good to see him again. Despite Taemin’s quirkiness the younger one always had a calming effect on him.
“Long time no see. How’s Japan? According to your last emoticon messages you’ve been out clubbing a lot and had lots of Japanese food.”
“Yeah, I’ve been out almost every night. I just love Tokyo so much…and the food…I could eat it all day. How’s London? Did you already pack your bags?”
Taemin was standing in what seemed like a bathroom, his hair tied up to a ponytail that made him look like he had a palm tree growing on is head.
“London is rainy but lovely. The weather changes almost daily, but I don’t want to go back. It’s a great city.”
“We have to visit London together one day and go clubbing every night. That would be awesome!” Taemin exclaimed with a smile on his face and then placed his cell phone on a shelf in front of him in an upright position so Kibum could still see him.
“You would like it here, I’m sure of it,” Kibum agreed and watched how Taemin splashed water into his face before using some soap to wash his face thoroughly.
“How are things with Jinki? Did you make up your mind by now?”
Kibum sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“So much has happened, you have no idea.”
So many things had happened that even Kibum wasn’t quite sure what was going on anymore. His life had taken a complete U-turn ever since he had come to England. From breaking up with Jinki to meeting Jonghyun, everything had changed in less than four weeks.
“How so? Any more hook ups? Maybe more hook ups with nice looking English men?” He winked at him while smearing some moisturizer onto his face, making his skin look all shiny and bright in the camera of his phone. Taemin was a simple man and making statements on such a level fitted his personality quite well. People loved him for his blunt attitude, but he hadn’t always been like this. When they first met Taemin had been way more reserved, but university life had clearly turned him into a different person, maybe an even better version of himself.
“Ahh, shut up! You and your wild imagination!”
“What is it then?”
A deep, strained sigh left Kibum’s mouth and he licked his lips, not really knowing where to start.
“Just fire away,” Taemin suggested after Kibum had been silent for several seconds, his voice muffled because of a toothbrush in his mouth.
“Okay. I’ll try.”
Because of the lack of conversations Taemin basically didn’t know anything at all. He didn’t know that Jinki and he were history, didn’t know that he had started some kind of affair with a previous hook up and he also didn’t know how conflicted he was because of all the changes that had occurred during such a short period of time.
“First things first…Jinki and I are no longer a couple,” saying this out loud still felt unnatural on his tongue, and he was sure that it would continue to feel unnatural for quite some time. Taemin stopped with his brushing movements, eyes widening in surprise.
“What? Really? Whaat? When? Whaaat?” Taemin’s eyes blinked rapidly and even though it was a serious topic Kibum still had to laugh. The other’s face was just priceless.
“A few days ago. I just felt ready to do it. Now it seems ridiculous to me that I didn’t have the courage to do it earlier.”
“Wow…wow…just wow. Kibum, you have no idea how proud I am right now.”
There was toothpaste all over Taemin’s mouth, turning the sincerity of his words a little into ridicule. “This is a big step. How did Jinki react?”
“He was upset…understandably. He said some really hurtful things, but he’s right about most of them. So, I can’t even be mad. It just feels like this huge burden was finally lifted from my shoulders. It’s a good thing.”
Taemin nodded in agreement, the little ponytail on his head bobbing.
“If you need a place to stay you are welcome to crash at ours whenever you want. I’m sure the others won’t mind.”
Taemin pointed with his toothbrush at Kibum before rinsing his mouth with water.
“I might have to take you up on that,” Kibum said and fell silent after that. How should he bring up Jonghyun without Taemin interpreting too much into it? Taemin didn’t believe in affairs and lived by the motto that you either slept with a person once over the course of a one-night stand or you slept with someone more than once as part of being in a relationship. This attitude of separating sex in patterns of black and white had resulted from bad experience in his past. Two years ago he had meet up with a girl for casual sex every now and then, but had ended up liking her too much for his own well-being, and had been hurt in the end, because the girl hadn’t had any feelings for him and had gotten another boyfriend.
“My Taemin super senses tell me that was not everything.”
Kibum hesitated for another few seconds before he got straight down to the nitty-gritty.
“Remember the hook up I’ve told you about? I’ve met up and had sex with him several times since then.”
Taemin furrowed his brows in response, his mouth opening and closing for several times as if he was thinking about what to say to this.
“So…wait…you are already in a new relationship?” he asked then, sounding rather shocked.
“No…no, no, no…,” Kibum held up his free hand in defense, shaking his head rapidly. “It’s just sex, no relationship nonsense…just casual sex.”
There was a horrified sound coming through Kibum’s cell phone speaker and he saw how Taemin threw up his arms in disbelief.
“Kibum…casual sex doesn’t exist! That never works! Remember Bongcha? I also thought we just had casual sex and before I knew it I was deeply in love with her and she cut me off like some unloved toy. You just came out of a relationship and therefore you are totally receptive when it comes to developing feelings for someone else,” Taemin seemed desperate to make a point, using big gestures to underline his arguments.
“It’s not like that. It’s not like that at all. We just have casual sex, honestly. I’m going back to Seoul in two days and will probably never see him again. So everything is okay. You don’t need to worry about me.”
The look on Taemin’s face showed Kibum that he didn’t seem to be very convinced.
“Fine then. How is he? I mean the hook up,” Taemin asked then and got closer to the camera of his cell phone. Kibum thought about this for a second. How was Jonghyun?
“He’s a cute guy.”
The reaction of Taemin who put his hands over his face told him that the other wasn’t quite happy about his answer.
“Cute? Kibum, you don’t call someone you have casual sex with cute. You want cuteness in a relationship, not in bed. I wanted to hear something like oh, he can bring me to orgasm just by looking at me or how huge his dick is or how good the sex with him is…but cute…that’s not casual sex vocabulary.”
Didn’t Taemin just exaggerate a tiny little bit? Or was he right? Kibum had never wasted much time to think about what casual sex actually meant. For him it meant having sex with someone on a regular basis with whom he wasn’t in a relationship with. Was this definition wrong?
“The sex is really good if that’s what you are wondering about. He’s a musician.”
“A musician?” Taemin almost yelled it out loud before he realized that he wasn’t the only one around, his voice immediately going back to a quieter tone. “A musician? Really…you are such a groupie. You hooked up with some English guy who makes music? Is he a reincarnation of John Lennon or something?”
“He’s actually Korean not English.”
This statement seemed to make Taemin pause and press his hand against his forehead, looking like he was about to get a headache.
“Dude, give me a moment to comprehend,” he then said and took a deep breath. “Okay, let me get this straight. So, you had sex with this man who happened to be a Korean musician. I don’t even want to know why he’s in London. Anyway, you hook up with this guy once, and then twice, and then thrice…and probably even more than this. Sometime in the middle you break up with your boyfriend who you couldn’t break up with for god damn long, and then you continue to sleep with that Korean guy who happens to be kind of cute? This sounds so much like the plot of some crappy dime novel. I can already see the summary for this on the back of a book… ‘Guy who suffers from an existential crises comes to London and meets the love of his life’.”
Kibum turned up his mouth and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t understand why Taemin was so obsessed with the idea of him not being able to differentiate between sex and love.
“He’s not the love of my life. Don’t talk nonsense. Just let me have some fun. I also don’t ever question the choices you make in your sex life.”
“Okay, okay…fair enough. Let’s talk about something else then.”
Their conversation took over an hour and when Kibum hung up, he felt happy and exhausted at the same time. With a sigh he sank down onto his bed, going over parts of their conversation again. Casual sex was all he wanted for the time being. Why was it a bad thing if the guy he had sex with happened to be cute? Would it have been better if he was a prick? In his opinion it didn’t make much sense to put too much thought into his meet-ups with Jonghyun. He would be back in Seoul in a few days and Jonghyun would stay in London.
Problem solved.
Thinking of Jonghyun reminded him of the unread messages of the other, so he checked those and started to laugh when he saw another selfie of Jonghyun with the flower crown he had made the other day on his head. The message beneath showed an animated emoticon of something that looked like a mix of a white bear and a rabbit, pinching its cheeks, the phrase ‘Am I cute?’ written in pink childlike looking letters above it. How fitting this emoticon was.
– Yes, you are ^^. If you have time you can come over and we can cook together? –
Maybe it had been a good thing that Kibum had only mentioned that he had sex with Jonghyun towards Taemin, telling him that they also did other things besides having sex would probably have made Taemin’s tirade even worse. Despite that, there was nothing bad about cooking together, right? It was always better to eat with someone than to eat alone.
Kibum got a response an hour later while watching some American late night show on Youtube in his bed, his laptop resting on his thighs and his head bedded on his pillow. – How about eight? – was the response and Kibum smiled, agreeing with Jonghyun and telling him that they would meet up downstairs, because they had to buy groceries first if they didn’t want to eat cup noodles again.
Shortly before eight Kibum grabbed his bag and left the room, taking the elevator to the first floor. He already held his umbrella in one hand when he left the building, because it hadn’t stopped raining during the time he had been inside and it didn’t look like the rain would stop anytime soon. Kibum had to wait around ten minutes until Jonghyun showed up still wearing the jeans from last night and a black dress shirt above, a smile appearing on his lips when he saw Kibum waiting.
“Shall we walk to Tesco or take the subway?” Kibum asked when he joined Jonghyun on the sidewalk, both walking down the street next to each other with their umbrellas over their heads.
“Let’s walk there and take the subway back. How was your day?”
“Well, class was incredibly boring, but I went to an amusement center with Minho from my English class which was a lot of fun even though I lost all games. I also talked to a good friend from university who is on holiday in Japan right now,” Kibum told while they passed the outside of a little park that was deserted because of the rain.
“Ah, Minho. I’ve met him yesterday by accident. He’s such a nice guy and so tall, I’m quite envious,” Jonghyun laughed sheepishly and grabbed Kibum by his elbow reflexively, pulling him away from the edge of the sidewalk when a car drove through a puddle nearby, water splashing in their direction.
“That was close,” he then added and switched places with Kibum so he was the one walking on the side next to the street.
It was a small gesture but it perfectly demonstrated what a nice guy Jonghyun actually was.
On their way to the supermarket Jonghyun told Kibum that he had been looking for a part-time job all day, because his savings started to run out and he didn’t make enough money with gigs at bars and street music like he had hoped he would in the beginning. He had been turned down at most places that day, but luckily enough the owner of a Korean supermarket had liked him and had felt responsible for a fellow Korean in a foreign country so he had hired him to fill up the shelves, sort the goods in the storage place and clean the floor.
Their stay within the supermarket was longer than Kibum had expected it to be, because they didn’t know what to eat, strolling aimlessly through the shelves. In the end they bought ingredients for making pasta with a vegetarian sauce and some salad as a side dish that Kibum had insisted on.
Back at the dormitory they first went to Kibum’s room to take off their shoes and to set Kibum’s shoulder bag aside before they walked over to the kitchen with the plastic bag Jonghyun was carrying and encountered Sergio and Manuel from Mexico who sat at a table in the corner of the room and had dinner. After a quick hello they got busy with preparing dinner for themselves. The work was clearly distributed with Kibum keeping an eye on everything and making the sauce, and Jonghyun cutting all the vegetables the other asked him to. It was a simple dish that was easy to make, but tasted fantastic. It was nice to cook with Jonghyun, seeing him try to look like a professional chef by cutting the vegetables as quickly as possible and failing terribly at it.
“I should actually be studying right now,” Kibum noticed after they sat down at the table half an hour later while Jonghyun filled both their plates with pasta and sauce, Kibum’s next-door neighbors long gone.
“What will the exam be about?” Jonghyun asked curiously before mixing the sauce and pasta on his plate together.
“If I only knew. It will be an essay so I can’t really learn for it, but it might be a good idea to not go to bed too late today,” he explained flatly, a smile appearing on Jonghyun’s lips.
“I’m not the one who gets horny in the middle of the night,” Jonghyun quipped and flinched when Kibum punched him lightly in the shoulder shortly afterwards.
“Oh by the way…this,” Kibum pulled the collar of his T-shirt down a little and pointed at the hickey Minho had noticed earlier that day. “Made me quite uncomfortable today. Please no traces on visible areas anymore,” he added, Jonghyun looking up at him while munching on some pasta.
“Sorry about that…I got a little carried away last night,” Jonghyun mumbled with his mouth full, his face looking unbelievably innocent in that moment. He had nothing in common with the person he had slept with so often by now. They seemed like two completely different men. It was really intriguing to witness Jonghyun’s change of attitude depending on the situation he was in; be it as a musician on stage, as a lover in bed, or as a friend in the kitchen. He was like a chameleon that changed its color depending on its mood and its surroundings.
“This is really good by the way,” Jonghyun then said, pointing at the plate with his fork, pulling Kibum out of his thoughts.
“Thanks, the sauce is really easy to make,” Kibum replied while swirling the pasta around his fork, flinching a little when Jonghyun’s feet found his under the table.
At first Kibum thought that this action had happened purely by accident and that Jonghyun would pull his feet away, but they stayed on his feet, tapping to a rhythm Kibum couldn’t follow. He wanted to say something at first, but swallowed it down, trying not to read too much into it. They were just feet. Maybe Jonghyun’s feet just felt cold on the tiles.
“When is your flight leaving on Saturday?”
“At one pm, so I have to leave quite early. The bus takes about one and a half hours to the airport, check in and safety check will take some time as well. I wanted to leave around half past eight so I can make sure that I will be ready for my flight in time.”
“I see, that’s early. I’m actually kind of sad that you’re leaving,” Jonghyun said honestly, poking the salad with his fork. They looked at each other before Kibum’s gaze fell back down to his plate. It felt like Taemin breathed down his neck, whispering into his ear over and over again that casual sex never worked out. After a moment of silence an awkward laugh left Kibum’s mouth and he tried to come up with a witty comment that would weaken the intensity of the other’s words.
“You will find a replacement in no time. London is a big place,” he then said and pulled his feet away from under Jonghyun’s. It looked like Jonghyun hesitated to answer for a second, but then all of a sudden he smiled and nodded, telling Kibum that he was probably right about that.
Half an hour later they found themselves back in Kibum’s room, Jonghyun lying on the other’s bed and throwing the Stitch plush toy up into the air over and over again while Kibum walked up and down his room, packing everything he didn’t need during his last hours in London into his suitcase. He had always hated packing, because he was never sure if he hadn’t forgotten anything.
“I’m sure your boyfriend will be happy when you get back to Seoul.”
This comment came out of nowhere and Kibum looked up from his suitcase, watching the other who was still throwing the plush toy into the air.
“You are really making weird comments today. I don’t think he will be happy about my return,” Kibum replied frankly and focused back on his suitcase, rolling his shirts to make more space for other things.
“Why won’t he be happy? He hasn’t seen you in a month.”
“Because we broke up.”
It was a short sentence that still included all information Jonghyun needed to know. When Kibum heard an ‘Oh’ coming from the direction of the bed he looked over again, Jonghyun now sitting up on the mattress, hugging the Stitch plushie to his chest.
“It still feels weird to say it out loud, but I feel more content now. I try to see it as a new start.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Kibum shrugged and grabbed another crumpled-up T-shirt from the floor to fold and wind it to make it look like a sushi roll.
“I don’t know. It just didn’t come up I guess,” he explained vacantly and got up, looking around the room to see if he had forgotten anything.
“It would have been nice to know, though. Ever since I started to sleep with you my conscience has been troubling me. You might think I do something like this on a regular basis, but I don’t. People who are in a relationship are an absolute no-go for me.”
Kibum had never before thought about Jonghyun’s part in his personal little drama and it made him realize yet again how true Jinki’s words had been. He was indeed self-centered, never considering anyone’s feelings but his own.
“I’m sorry,” he then said, pausing in his steps to look over at Jonghyun who looked rather disappointed in him. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t think it would matter to you, because…”
“Because it’s just sex?” Jonghyun completed the sentence and sighed when Kibum nodded in response.
Jonghyun’s face got expressionless for several seconds and Kibum wondered what the other thought about before the Stitch plush suddenly hit him straight in the face, startling him.
“What the…” he exclaimed and held his face, sending a disapproving look into Jonghyun’s direction who only looked at him with an innocent smile on his face.
“You deserved that and now come over.”
The subtle commanding tone in Jonghyun’s voice made Kibum mute and he followed the other’s order, watching Jonghyun move to the edge of the bed, placing his feet onto the ground. The smaller one pulled him between his legs when he was within reach and Kibum had to look down to see the other’s face, surprise spreading visibly in his eyes when Jonghyun’s fingers found the button of his jeans and opened it. Jonghyun’s intentions were clear to Kibum when the other pulled down his pants and his underwear in one go, leaving him suddenly naked from the waist down. There was a pleasant sensation in his abdomen when the other started kissing the skin beneath his navel, hands placed on his hips to push his tank top up. Kibum buried his fingers into Jonghyun’s soft hair and looked at him before he let his eyes fall shut.
He found out quickly enough that Jonghyun was only teasing him, lips and tongue kissing and licking every patch of skin while avoiding the most obvious section of his bottom half. Kibum playfully tried to guide the other’s head to the place where he wanted his mouth to be, but he could feel how the other held against it, Jonghyun’s fingers pressing into his skin. Kibum’s breath hitched and he wiggled his hips, wanting to feel Jonghyun’s lips close around him.
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this right now. You need to be fit for your exam tomorrow.”
Kibum’s eyes snapped open and he looked down at Jonghyun who smiled at him like someone who wouldn’t harm a chicken.
“You are kidding, right?”
Why did the other act so weird? Kibum’s lack of sleep the past few nights hadn’t bothered him in the slightest, so why now?
“Why? Are you that horny?”
Jonghyun grinned cheekier now, making Kibum agitated. His fingers pulled a little at the other’s hair so Jonghyun’s head automatically tilted backwards, his grin only widening. He was still playing with him that much was clear after Kibum looked Jonghyun in the eyes. Kibum found himself in an awkward position with his pants pushed down to his ankles, giving him not much space to move, but he managed to push Jonghyun down onto the mattress anyway, trying to get out of his jeans and underwear as quickly as possible before scrambling towards the other who had propped himself up on his elbows.
“I take that as a yes,” Jonghyun said at last, the ‘yes’ already muffled by Kibum’s lips pressing down onto his.
Sex was an addictive thing. If it was good it had the same impact as alcohol and other drugs. The light-headedness and the sense of pleasure that spread through one’s body after reaching an intense orgasm was intoxicating. If you had experienced it once you wanted to feel it more often, no matter the cost.
A sweet numbness settled in Kibum’s limbs after he had come, Jonghyun lying on his right side with his head resting on Kibum’s shoulder, both a panting and sweating mess. Jonghyun’s erratic breath caused goosebumps on his skin and Kibum had his eyes closed, enjoying the bliss of fatigue creeping into every corner of his body. A lazy smile appeared on his lips when Jonghyun’s nose brushed along his neck, a set of brief kisses finding their way onto his skin. He let his fingers run over the other’s disheveled hair and nape, feeling the heat radiating from Jonghyun’s body beneath his fingertips.
He didn’t want to go back to Seoul. He wanted to stay in this bed with Jonghyun and never leave it again. It pained him to know that there was no way for him to stay here with Jonghyun in his arms. Somehow it felt like he had found something in London that he had feared he had lost before. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint it, but he knew that he might lose it again when he went home.
“We should sleep now.”
Jonghyun’s voice was soft and breathy, his left hand drawing circles around Kibum’s nipple. Kibum’s response was an almost not audible hum, his mind already too far gone, floating between states of sleep and waking. He didn’t want to leave London. He really didn’t want to.
“You have ninety minutes for this assignment. Please read the questions carefully and don’t forget to write your name at the top of your paper. There are four topics you can choose from, but you only have to work on two of them. If you have any questions please raise your hand and I will come over to you. I wish you the best of luck. You can now turn over the worksheets.”
With that Mrs. Smith sat down in her chair and Kibum heard the frantic sound of pages turning from everywhere in the class. He glanced at Minho who was already intently reading the questions on the worksheet in front of him before he turned his own around, scanning the topics written on it.
Kibum had slept well during the night and had been woken up by a pair of hands roaming his torso way before his alarm clock had gone off in the morning. The lazy exchange of kisses and affection that had followed had been a welcoming start into a new day which Kibum had been very thankful for. However, thinking about it now was rather distracting and Kibum spun the pen in his hand around his fingers, reading the words on the paper in front of him, but not completely grasping their meaning. Jonghyun and he had rolled out of bed together in the morning and had taken a quick shower before getting dressed and leaving the dormitory. They had grabbed a coffee and something to eat in a kiosk on their way to the subway station and Jonghyun had bid him goodbye after Kibum had promised that he would send him a message during the evening.
His last day in London would be a stressful one, because Kibum still wanted to buy souvenirs for everyone at home, needed to talk about his room with the caretaker of the dorm, and was invited to a farewell party in the evening. It took him about ten minutes of staring at the paper until he was finally able to concentrate on the exam, everyone around him already writing. With a sigh he read the worksheet again and tried not to think about Jonghyun’s naked body above him for the next eighty minutes, which was harder than he had first expected. No matter how hard he concentrated the other was always in the back of his mind, his smiling face popping up out of nowhere every now and then. Casual sex never works, he recalled Taemin’s words again, quickly crossing these words out when he realized that he had written them down on paper unconsciously. It worked. It worked out perfectly.
After the exam was over Kibum and Minho went to their regular café for one last time, talking about the place like they had been going there for years already. Wasn’t it odd how attached one could get to a place in such a short period of time? Maybe it wasn’t the place itself Kibum would miss, but more the talks and laughs he had shared with Minho here. Humans were bizarre creatures, always clinging onto the past, always getting sentimental over memories.
“Ahh…I will miss you. We’ll definitely need to hang out when I’m back in Seoul!”
Minho sighed and patted Kibum’s shoulder before their paths separated an hour later. While Minho went home Kibum drove to Oxford Street, storming into every shop to find some cool and funny souvenirs. He ended up buying a lot of sweets, a jewelry box for his mom, a scarf for his dad, and a figurine of the Queen with an oversized head that started to wave its hand if the solar panels on the base caught sunlight for Taemin. It was the most useless thing he could think of and he knew that Taemin would love it.
Later that day he met up with the caretaker of the dormitory who inspected his room for any damages. It was a very short procedure, because Kibum had always made sure to keep the room intact and clean. He only needed to sign a piece of paper and listen to the caretaker tell him to throw the keys into the letterbox at his office the next day before he was alone in his room again. After checking the time on his clock he decided to watch a movie on his laptop, because he still had plenty of time to get ready and didn’t know what else to do.
Kibum arrived at the pub around half past eight, feeling rather sad that this was the last night he could spend with his new friends. Most of his English course classmates were already there, seemingly having the time of their lives with lots of booze. Some people from other English classes were there as well, people Kibum only knew by their faces, but had never actually talked to. When he had come to London he had wanted to make a lot of international friends, but that had been a lot harder than expected. He wasn’t the most outgoing person to begin with and getting to know other exchange students outside his English class had turned out to be quite troublesome. However, after getting along with the people from his class and meeting Jonghyun he hadn’t really felt the urge to meet any more people anyway. There were only so many people one could concentrate on.
Greeted by a welcoming cheer coming from Elena and the other girls from his class Kibum sat down on an empty seat, taking a look around. He nodded in Minho’s direction when he discovered his friend at the other end of the table, immediately feeling the need to change seats, but not wanting to appear as impolite. So he stayed seated, ordered some beer and entered the girls’ conversation who had been talking about where else to go that night. The suggestion of attending an 80’s party which took place in a nearby club seemed to be the general front runner even though some of the men at the table didn’t seem to be too delighted by the thought of dancing to Culture Club and Wham.
Two hours and five beers later Kibum was way more relaxed than before, enjoying the tingling feeling in his body, his cheeks slightly flushed from the alcohol. When they were about to leave Kibum wrote Jonghyun a message, asking him if he felt like joining them for an 80’s party. Apparently Jonghyun had waited for the other’s message, because he replied right away, conjuring a smile onto Kibum’s face. Jonghyun was a cute guy after all, wasn’t he?
The text message with the address to the club was sent out quickly and Kibum walked over to Minho afterwards to finally greet his friend properly.
“Long time no see,” Minho grinned, slinging his arm around Kibum’s shoulder, pulling him close. “I think I’m already a little tipsy, but don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to come across as a lightweight,” the other added in a whisper, leaning close to Kibum’s ear so no one but him could hear him.
This comment made Kibum chuckle and he shook his head, jokingly placing his index finger on his lips to show Minho that he wouldn’t say anything.
“How much did you drink?”
“Too much…I always forget that English beer is much stronger than Korean and Hikaru had the horrible…horrible idea to treat the boys in our corner to some rounds of apple schnapps. That stuff is disgusting,” Minho explained, sounding slightly nauseated, his arms still not leaving Kibum’s shoulder as they exited the pub to follow the rest of the group to the club.
It was raining again and with a sigh Kibum took out his loyal London companion – his umbrella – and opened it to protect him and Minho from the falling rain.
“I think the one thing I won’t miss about London is its unpredictable weather,” he mumbled as some water driblets trickled onto the shoulder that wasn’t covered by his umbrella.
“Really? I think it’s exciting. The weather in London is like a surprise egg, you never know what you will get.”
Minho’s analogy didn’t make much sense, but Kibum got his point so he let it slide, Minho’s arm around his shoulder getting heavier by the minute. He wondered how long it would take for Jonghyun to get to this place. Should he tell Minho that the other was coming along? It was quite conceivable that Minho wouldn’t ask any questions in his half-drunk state and just except the information without any further inquiry.
“Jonghyun is coming as well,” he therefore said laconically, finally seeing the neon sign of the club they were looking for.
“Oh really, that’s cool,” was all Minho replied with an impish grin, confirming Kibum’s previous assumption that the other’s head had other things to comprehend besides wondering why Kibum still had contact with Jonghyun.
Luckily they hadn’t arrived at the club during its peak hour, therefore the waiting line to get inside was rather short and they only had to wait for five minutes before they were allowed to enter. The engaging sound of Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean made everyone excited right away and instead of getting a drink first most of the girls hopped to the dance floor and moved their bodies to the rhythm of the music. The rest of the group – including Kibum and Minho – preferred to get to the bar first to continue their drinking spree.
The club was not as packed as Kibum had imagined it to be, maybe because of the early hour or because not many people fancied the thought of 80’s music anymore. Either way the atmosphere was far more relaxing than it had been at the club they had visited the week before. There was still some space to sit and the dance floor actually had room to dance instead of just awkwardly moving against sweaty drunk bodies.
A couple of people had seemingly dressed up for the occasion, running around in neon clothes and sweatbands, some of them even wearing blazers with padded shoulders like some people liked to wear back then. If Kibum had known they would end up at a theme party he would have put more thought into his choice of clothing, but now people had to live with his red and white polka-dotted shirt and black jeans.
After ordering another round of beer the remaining group went up to the gallery filled with smooth black leather sofas, looking around until they found a corner booth. They had a good overview of the dance floor from there, the installed lights tinting the room in a colorful spectacle. No real conversation took place, everyone only cracking jokes and encouraging people to drink even more. After about twenty minutes the girls who had gone off dancing before joined them at the gallery, big smiles on their faces, drinks in their hands. Kibum was engaging in a conversation with Elena when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, his hand instinctively reaching out for it.
– I’m in. Where are you? – read the message and a spark of excitement spread through Kibum’s body. It was an odd sensation. It was just Jonghyun, but it felt like he was about to meet a long lost friend.
He excused himself for a second and got up, wandering over to the metal balustrade to look down to the main floor, searching for Jonghyun in the crowd. He found him almost right away, dressed in a black and white plaid shirt, a black cap sitting on the top of his head. Instead of replying to Jonghyun’s message right away Kibum decided to watch him from a distance at first, his forearms resting on the railing in front of him, beer bottle in hand. It was quite obvious that Jonghyun was searching for him, eyes wandering swiftly over the crowd, scanning his surroundings. People acted differently when they felt unnoticed and Kibum enjoyed his role as a silent observer, liking how Jonghyun moved through the people like a hamster through a maze. Unfortunately Kibum’s enjoyment was rather short-lived, because it didn’t take Jonghyun long to look up at the gallery as well, their eyes meeting almost immediately.
Kibum’s heart skipped a beat and his breath hitched, feeling like he had been caught doing something sinful. Jonghyun’s thoughts weren’t readable on his face and Kibum’s eyes followed him as the other made his way over to the stairs. He hadn’t noticed it before, but Jonghyun had a very laid-back way of walking – if he wasn’t in pain because of his knee at least – making his short legs appear a lot longer than they actually were.
“Found you,” Jonghyun grinned when he came to a halt in front of Kibum, his head slightly tilted to the side.
“I guess you did. Congrats,” Kibum replied playfully and took a sip from his beer. Jonghyun looked rather charming tonight, the baseball cap underlining his sharp facial features.
“Yah, Jonghyun…great to see you!”
Both turned their heads when they heard Jonghyun’s name being called, looking at Minho who waved enthusiastically into their direction.
“He’s a little tipsy already,” Kibum informed Jonghyun, leaning a little closer to the other.
Jonghyun had used cologne that night, the classy fresh scent triggering the need in Kibum to get even closer to him. To Kibum’s misfortune they weren’t alone so he took a step back and gestured Jonghyun to follow him to his fellow classmates. Introducing Jonghyun to the others was a short procedure, because the majority of their group was too busy with drinking to care about any new arrivals. However, Elena was quick to introduce herself to Jonghyun, mouthing something like ‘he looks gorgeous’ in Kibum’s direction.
At first Kibum laughed it off, sitting down next to Minho again and waiting for Jonghyun to follow him, but Elena had engaged him into a conversation right away. She only let go of him when he asked her if she wanted to have something to drink and went to the bar soon afterwards.
“Oh my…He’s so attractive and his accent is adorable. Where did you two meet? Is he single? Does he like girls?”
There were too many questions for Kibum to answer and for a moment he was confused, not really knowing what Elena wanted from him. Did she want to hook up with Jonghyun? The realization seemed so absurd at first that Kibum wanted to shrug it off, but when Elena pressed on he became unsure.
“We met at a pub during my first night in London. He played the guitar there,” he replied carefully, flinching when Elena hit his arm in excitement.
“So he is a musician? This is getting better and better. Is he available?”
He had always been quite certain that Jonghyun had to be quite popular with girls, but seeing it live and in color was different. It made him fidgety. Jonghyun was single, at least if he hadn’t lied to Kibum, but was he available right now?
“That’s something you’d better ask him yourself,” was therefore his short response before he took another sip from his beer, watching Jonghyun come back to their corner booth.
Jonghyun handed a cocktail glass to Elena with a smile before sitting down at the very corner of the leather couch. Unintentionally Kibum bit the inside of his cheek, picking at the emblem pasted to his beer bottle. Casual sex, it was just casual sex. If Jonghyun wanted to sleep with someone else Kibum wouldn’t be the one who judged him for that. After telling himself this sentence over and over again he almost started to believe it until Elena asked Jonghyun to dance with her. Kibum had gotten to know Elena as a very outgoing young woman who didn’t see anything wrong with a girl making the first move if she liked a man, and to Kibum’s own misfortune she demonstrated this attitude quite well that night.
Maybe Jonghyun had already found a substitute for him. This thought was rather painful and to not think about it any longer he turned to Minho who nibbled on some peanuts that were placed on a glass table in front of them.
“We should go dancing, too,” Minho suggested, making clumsy movements with his arms.
Kibum turned him down, not really feeling like dancing right now. He had been in a good mood just half an hour ago, so why was he so upset all of a sudden? It was his last night in London, he should enjoy it, right? Kibum’s head fell back against the back of the couch and he emptied the rest of his beer bottle in one go. If he wanted to get home safely this was probably the right time for him to stop drinking. He knew his limits and also knew all too well that the nice tingling feeling in his stomach could switch into dizziness and nausea in no time, so he didn’t get anything new to drink for now and watched the rest of the group have fun without actively participating in any of it.
He didn’t know how much time Jonghyun spent on the dance floor with Elena, but after a while he came back up alone, letting himself fall right next to Kibum with a smile on his face.
“Where’s Elena?” was the most obvious question he could come up with, Jonghyun grabbing his previously abandoned beer bottle from the table.
“She went to the toilet with two of her friends,” Jonghyun answered quickly, some drops of sweat glistening on his forehead.
Kibum nodded in response, intently observing how Jonghyun took a swallow from his beer bottle, lips touching the rim of the bottleneck, pinkie slightly sticking out, Adam’s apple moving. Maybe it was because he had been drinking alcohol, but no matter what Jonghyun did it appeared rather alluring and seductive.
“Is everything okay?”
A little flustered Kibum averted his gaze when Jonghyun looked at him, his heart fluttering in his chest.
“Yeah, all is good,” he replied quickly and held his breath when Jonghyun leaned closer, his mouth almost touching Kibum’s ear.
“You don’t need to worry. If you’re going home I’ll come with you.”
Jonghyun’s voice so close to his ear caused goosebumps on his skin. He tried to ignore the cologne that found its way into his nostrils again and he glanced at Jonghyun who seemed rather pleased with himself tonight. Was he able to read Kibum’s mind? As if by accident Jonghyun’s hand landed on his knee and stayed there, the fingers not even leaving when Elena, Maria, and Ester came back from the toilet. Jonghyun focused his attention back on the girls, but his hand seemingly had a mind of its own, fingers tapping on Kibum’s knee or skimming slowly over the material of his jeans in the dim light of the club.
Kibum attempted to ignore the hand on his knee as well as he could, even when the fingers started to move slightly up his thigh, but Jonghyun made it hard for him to concentrate on anything else but his fingers. With every centimeter that the other’s fingers moved closer to his crotch he felt his body burning up inside. When it became too much for him he placed his hand onto Jonghyun’s and leaned over to the other.
“What are you doing?” he whispered, sounding slightly agitated.
“Well, didn’t you imply yesterday that we’re casual? I’m just casually touching you in public.”
Kibum squinted his eyes before removing Jonghyun’s hand from his thigh.
“You can casually touch me wherever you want back at my dorm, but not here,” he retorted with a sigh, inwardly wishing that they were indeed back in his dorm.
“Maybe we should go then.”
The grin on Jonghyun’s face had disappeared and he looked straight up into Kibum’s eyes, the intensity making Kibum swallow. Maybe Jonghyun was right, maybe he was not. It was his last night in London with people whom he might never see again and he had wanted to spend his last hours with them. Unfortunately Jonghyun was another person he most likely wouldn’t see again if Jonghyun decided to stay in England forever. Considering these prospects Kibum had to admit that he’d rather spend his night having sex with Jonghyun than getting drunk with his fellow classmates. It was all about priorities.
“You’re right, maybe we should go,” was all he said before he turned to Minho, grabbing him by the shoulder. “Hey, I think I’m leaving now.”
“What? Already? Why? Kibum, you can’t leave already.”
Was there something like a whine resonating in Minho’s voice? Alcohol really made a different person out of him.
“It’s past midnight and I need to get up early to catch my flight. I don’t want to oversleep,” he explained, feeling two long arms wrap around him a second later.
“Ah, I will miss you. Don’t forget to write me when you’re back in Seoul. We definitely need to hang out. Don’t forget that! I will pester you with messages when I’m back in Korea,” he slurred, hugging Kibum even closer to his chest.
“You are welcome to pester me anytime you want,” Kibum laughed, being quite sure that he would miss the other quite a lot when he got back to Seoul.
It had been a delight to make Minho’s acquaintance, because he was sure that without him he would have had a much harder time in London.
Farewells weren’t Kibum’s cup of tea. They made him teary and sentimental even if he didn’t want to be that way. After a lot of hugs, kisses, promises for future meet-ups and goodbyes, Kibum was free to go, almost ready to leave everything and everyone behind. Elena wasn’t all too pleased when Kibum announced that he and Jonghyun wanted to leave and made sure that she at least got Jonghyun’s phone number before hugging Kibum tightly to her chest, giving him two kisses on both cheeks.
“I hate farewells,” Kibum mumbled when they both had exited the club and hastily wiped away some tears that had formed in the corner of his eyes. He had known these people for only a few weeks. It wasn’t easy to get a place in Kibum’s heart, because he was always wary of not getting hurt, but if someone managed to get passed all his self-built walls they found a loyal friend in him.
“Are you okay?”
Before Kibum could answer Jonghyun’s thumb stroked along his left cheek, making him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It was definitely the impact of the alcohol, Kibum thought, and pulled his head back a little, because he didn’t want to feel all warm and fuzzy inside at this very moment.
“I’m fine. Let’s go,” he responded quickly, setting his feet into motion.
Fortunately it had stopped raining during their stay inside the club and Kibum didn’t have to pull out his umbrella yet again. They walked next to each other to the next subway station, the platform appearing rather empty at this time of the day. It was too late for the average person to travel around and too early for the people who liked to party to go home yet. They sat down on a blue plastic bench, the next train only arriving in ten minutes. Kibum’s eyes wandered along the white tiled walls which were so customary for subway stations all over London, his ears enjoying the sudden silence that surrounded them.
“Were you jealous?” Kibum looked up when Jonghyun suddenly spoke to him, the other’s knee softly bumping against his.
“Jealous of what?”
“Jealous of me hitting it off with that friend of yours.”
Kibum watched their knees bump against each other, Jonghyun’s legs looking slightly thinner than his own.
“Why should I? You are a single man and she’s an attractive woman.”
Jonghyun nodded with a hum, the movement of his leg stopping for a second before he turned his head towards Kibum in a funny fashion, a big smile appearing on his lips.
“So you were jealous,” he then said, his feet alternately tapping the ground.
“You wish,” Kibum replied scoffingly, deliberately ignoring the amused grin on the other’s lips.
In moments like these Kibum wished that he hadn’t invited Jonghyun to his room on his first night in London. But all joking aside, what if he really hadn’t invited Jonghyun to his room? He probably would still whine about being in an unhappy relationship with someone he had no feelings for anymore. So no matter how weird the other sometimes was, Kibum was still very thankful that Jonghyun had unintentionally made him able to cut the last strings that still had attached him to Jinki. Wasn’t it funny how meeting a new person could change one’s life so easily?
“I’ve never seen you wearing a cap before,” Kibum said after a while to change the topic, not really wanting to talk about any potential hook ups anymore. The other’s eyes went up to the peak of his cap before he turned it around on his head in one swift motion.
“Had a bad hair day. Why?”
“It suits you well,” he complimented, his eyes wandering over to the dark tunnel to his left side when he heard the sound of an arriving train. Both of them got up from the bench and made their way into the subway car, finding a seat together across from a businessman reading his evening newspaper.
“I’m not quite sure, but I think that was the first time you’ve actually said something nice to me.”
Jonghyun looked clearly surprised and at first Kibum wanted to reply that this couldn’t be true, but no matter how long he thought about it, he also couldn’t remember ever saying something nice to Jonghyun. The most common word he usually used in Jonghyun’s presence was the word weird.
“Thanks, though,” Jonghyun then added and leaned back in his seat, his knee starting to bump into Kibum’s again.
A tiny smile became visible on Kibum’s lips as he realized that there was no need to deny that Jonghyun was in fact really weird, but also a very nice person.
When they left the subway station at Goodge Street Station the air felt fresh and crisp, and Kibum took a deep breath, trying to memorize the smell.
“Did you know that we are all made of stardust?”
Jonghyun looked up to the sky as they walked along the empty street, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans. Kibum followed his gaze, but couldn’t make out a single star, the sky currently a deep dull black.
“No, I didn’t know. Sounds like a line from a poem,” Kibum admitted truthfully, glancing over at Jonghyun again, who still looked up to the night sky.
“It does, doesn’t it?” Jonghyun grinned, looking at Kibum. “We’re basically the product of dying stars. Some of the elements we’re made of like oxygen, iron, or carbon weren’t there in the beginning. Some were made within the stars’ core and others when the star exploded during a supernova. The explosion caused the elements to scatter across the universe and created planets like the one we’re living on. It’s a very simple explanation, but I guess you get the point.”
“I didn’t know you were interested in these things.”
“In these things? Well, there are many things you don’t know about me yet, Kibum,” Jonghyun countered with a soft smile and turned around on his heels to walk backwards.
“You might fall if you walk like that.”
“You are really no fun tonight,” Jonghyun laughed and turned around again, his feet starting to move faster, making it harder for Kibum to keep up.
He didn’t know why Jonghyun had started running all of a sudden but before he knew what he was doing he followed the older one, sprinting the last one hundred meters to his dorm, the alcohol not allowing him to run as fast as Jonghyun did. When he finally caught up with the other one in front of the closed entrance of his dormitory he needed to support himself on the banister, his heart rate way too high. Maybe he should actually do some exercise every now and then.
“Why…why…why did you start running?” he panted exhaustedly, looking at Jonghyun reproachfully who only laughed and patted his back.
“I thought the quicker we got to your place the sooner I’d see you naked again.”
Kibum didn’t reply to this blunt statement and moved over to the door instead, opening it. They spent the elevator ride in comfortable silence and when they entered Kibum’s room a little while later Kibum went straight up to his bed and let himself fall onto the mattress face down with a loud sigh.
“Exhausted?”
Kibum answered this question with a muffled ‘yeah’ and listened to the noise of Jonghyun taking off his shoes while he closed his eyes. After that there was silence and Kibum wondered what the other one was up to until the room was filled with the soft sound of music.
“Chris Isaak, really?” Kibum mumbled and turned his head to the side.
If there was a list for songs that were made for having sex Kibum was quite sure that Wicked Game would be in the top ten, the song making panties drop since its release in 1989. “You’re so cheap,” he added scornfully and received a snicker in response.
Kibum was surprised when Jonghyun suddenly busied himself with removing his sneakers by untying them first and then pulling them off along with his socks.
“What are you doing?” he asked and gasped when he suddenly felt Jonghyun’s weight on him who settled down onto Kibum’s upper thighs.
“I actually remember that you wore this shirt the first night we’d met,” Kibum heard Jonghyun say and felt the other’s fingertips pushing up his shirt, fingernails scratching along his lower back soon afterwards.
A shiver ran down his spine and he curled his fingers into the blanket beneath him.
“Since this is our last night together…maybe we should do something special.”
“Something special?” Kibum inquired, strained, his back arching into Jonghyun’s light touches.
He couldn’t really imagine that there could be anything that they hadn’t done already – excluding practices that included some kind of tools or extraordinary acrobatic skills of course, or more space to move around. His shirt was pushed up even further and soon afterwards he felt a tongue slowly working its way up his spine. Kibum bit his lower lip, muscles tensing. Jonghyun had found out quite quickly how sensitive he was to ministrations on his back and had used this knowledge to his advantage ever since.
“Well…you like me, right?” Jonghyun breathed over the other’s skin before he lifted his weight from his thighs, now kneeling above Kibum.
“Huh?” Kibum replied, bewildered, automatically lifting his pelvis when Jonghyun’s hands tried to reach beneath him.
He felt the other’s fingers gliding over his clothed crotch area soon afterwards, a pleasant sensation spreading in his abdomen.
“You like me?” Jonghyun repeated again and unfastened the buttons of Kibum’s jeans, pulling the fabric down to his knees together with the underwear he was wearing underneath.
Kibum’s mind got fuzzy when the other’s fingers moved with feathery strokes along his thighs and over to his bottom.
“Of course I like you, why wouldn’t I?” he responded with full conviction, a gasp leaving his lips when Jonghyun’s hand grabbed him between his legs.
“I’m not talking about you liking me as a friend. Turn around.”
Jonghyun’s hand was gone again and Kibum clumsily turned on his back, looking up at Jonghyun who placed both his hands next to his head.
“You like me more than a friend, am I right?”
The other’s face got way too close, lips hovering above Kibum’s, making him nervous.
“What are you talking about?”
He tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, his head buzzing from the intoxicating cologne Jonghyun wore. His eyes fell shut when Jonghyun’s mouth glided over his neck, lips nibbling on his earlobe.
“You have feelings for me,” he whispered then, Kibum’s skin prickling from goosebumps forming on his skin.
“Stop fooling around.”
In response Jonghyun let go of his ear, leaning back a little to look into Kibum’s face again. Jonghyun’s eyes pierced right through him and the other’s lips framed a tiny smile when Kibum couldn’t stand the intense eye contact any longer and averted his gaze.
“You are so in denial,” was the last thing Jonghyun said with a somewhat amused grin before he leaned back down again and kissed Kibum, deep and longingly.
The kiss was so intense that Kibum felt lightheaded, his hands busily opening the buttons on Jonghyun shirt. Was he in denial? He didn’t believe so. Even if he had developed some kind of feelings for Jonghyun over the course of the past few days it would be a waste of effort. Besides, it was quite easy to develop a crush on someone, but Kibum was sure that real, deep feelings only came through time, a time Jonghyun and he didn’t have.
Jonghyun sat up to take off his shirt, throwing it over the backrest of Kibum’s chair while Kibum followed his lead, unbuttoning his own. His body slid a little over the mattress when Jonghyun pulled on his jeans and tossed them to the ground, doing the same with his underwear. He felt rather exposed when the other’s eyes wandered over his body, seemingly scanning every patch of his skin. Kibum straightened up then and kneeled in front of Jonghyun, finger caressing the other’s face. It was a handsome face with no imperfections whatsoever; not a single pimple, not one mole, not even some kind of pigmentation irregularity anywhere on his skin. The only flaw he could find was a tiny scar next to Jonghyun’s right eye. Jinki’s face had been quite the opposite in comparison; tiny acne marks as a result of an intense puberty and scars from accidents during his military training.
His thumb brushed over Jonghyun’s plump bottom lip, eyes watching the soft pink skin move beneath his finger. In the past week he hadn’t paid any attention to such details, but now that he was about to leave this all behind he had the need to memorize everything about the other’s face. Kibum leaned in for a kiss and chose in contrast to Jonghyun a slower variation, his lips merely ghosting over the other’s lips, the tip of his tongue licking along the curve of his cupid’s bow. Jonghyun’s hands removed Kibum’s shirt from his shoulders, fingers sliding over his upper arms.
Kibum had imagined the night to be more aggressive and rough, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. Kibum ended up in Jonghyun’s lap, rocking slowly up and down, hands holding onto heated skin and noses brushing against each other. If this was what Jonghyun had meant by saying ‘something special’ he had been right. Their bodies so close to each other, moving in a slow, yearning rhythm was definitely something that stretched the range of what casual sex was supposed to mean into a whole new area.
At some point Kibum removed the cap Jonghyun was still wearing, letting it carelessly fall onto the mattress before burying his fingertips into the other’s soft hair, pressing his forehead against Jonghyun’s. Soon all that was left of this was a memory and Kibum wanted to savor it, exhausting it to the last bits of his strength. Jonghyun kissed him when he came in the other’s hand and muffled his moans, his whole body spasming as his orgasm swept over him. He didn’t want to forget this, he didn’t want to forget any of this.
Kibum’s alarm clock went off way too early for his taste, his head nestled in the crook of Jonghyun’s shoulder, his body snuggled up to the other’s. It was warm and cozy in his bed and he had no intention of leaving, his arms hugging the other closer to his chest. He had made a sophisticated schedule for his departure, the time until his bus left for the airport perfectly clocked. Ten minutes for a shower, another ten for body care and for getting dressed, five minutes to pack the rest of his remaining clothes into his suitcase and stripping the bed, ten minutes for a quick coffee and a sandwich and fifteen minutes as a buffer if something went wrong.
There wasn’t anything wrong yet besides the fact that Kibum didn’t want to leave the bed. He was tired and exhausted, the bed way too comfortable to leave it willingly.
“You need to get up,” Jonghyun murmured still half-asleep, his nose nuzzling Kibum’s hair.
“I know.”
Kibum pressed his forehead against Jonghyun’s chest, his hand wandering over the other’s back, coming to a rest on Jonghyun’s small but firm butt. He could feel the other’s consistent heartbeat beneath his skin, making him want to go back to sleep.
“I don’t want to leave.”
“Then stay,” Jonghyun replied, rolling them over so he was now lying on top of Kibum.
“I wish I could, but sadly, that’s impossible.”
Kibum placed his hands around Jonghyun’s neck, fingers playing with strands of brown hair, eyes locking with Jonghyun’s. When the older one started to grin and leaned closer Kibum expected a kiss and closed his eyes, but that kiss didn’t happen.
“That’s your last chance,” Kibum heard the other say instead and he opened his eyes again.
“My last chance for what?”
“It’s your last chance to tell me that you like me,” Jonghyun grinned, a hand stroking Kibum’s cheek.
“You wish,” was all Kibum responded before he pushed Jonghyun softly but determinedly away, scrambling from the bed. There was no logic in admitting to something that wouldn’t have a future and no matter how self-centered he might be, he was mature enough to not bring any more harm to anyone.
“I’ll take a quick shower,” Kibum announced after putting on some boxer shorts and grabbed a towel and his bag filled with body wash and other toiletries. He took a last glance at Jonghyun who still lay in bed, his head propped up on his elbow before purposefully marching to the washroom.
There were many people on this planet who were better than Jonghyun, Kibum thought while standing under a hot shower soaping his body. Men who were probably less weird than Jonghyun. Musicians were too free-spirited anyway. Even if they weren’t famous, men and women all wanted to sleep with a musician at least once in their life, and did Kibum want to share a love interest with the rest of the world, always fearing that some groupie came along? No, he most definitely didn’t have any interest in that.
He made up for lost time by showering less than six minutes and had even brushed his teeth while doing so, hastily going back to his room after drying himself. Jonghyun had gotten up in the meantime, buttoning up his shirt from last night.
“Should I strip the bed already?” Jonghyun asked when he was done with getting dressed.
“That would be nice,” Kibum said, sending him a thankful smile.
He put on some loose jeans and a comfortable T-shirt after he had used some lotion on his body, the timer in his head relentlessly ticking away. There was still time, he calmed himself down, stuffing all his remaining belongings into his suitcase, hoping that his luggage wasn’t too heavy now.
In less than ten minutes the room he had lived in for four weeks looked exactly the same way it had when he first entered it. The only difference was that this room now held many precious memories. Jonghyun came over to Kibum and positioned himself next to him, his arms loaded with a pile of white bedsheets.
“I will miss this place. It doesn’t look like anything special, but it does feel special, doesn’t it?” Jonghyun stated in a calm tone, a sad smile appearing on his lips.
Kibum hummed in agreement, his eyes wandering over to the bed, the window and the desk. This place really didn’t look special, but for the past few weeks it had become a zone of relaxation, a place where Kibum had been able to find lost pieces of himself again. It wasn’t the interior that made it special, but the things he had gone through and had experienced in there.
The door handle in hand, Kibum hesitated for a second and took a last glance before finally closing the door, locking it with his key. Saying goodbye to the room almost felt like he had to say goodbye to Jonghyun as well. They walked along the corridor, Jonghyun throwing the bedsheets into a trolley for dirty bedding on their way to the elevator. Kibum looked at the marks on the walls again, remembering how it had felt when he had arrived the first day. So much had changed since then. The elevator ride was spent in silence and when they arrived on the first floor Jonghyun waited at the front door while Kibum jogged to the caretaker’s office, throwing the key to his room into the letterbox which hung next to the door.
“At least the sun is shining,” Jonghyun noted when they left the building, Kibum taking a last shot of it with his cell phone.
For once the weather didn’t mirror his feelings at all. While he felt gloomy and sad the weather in London showed itself from its best side; the sky a nice shade of blue and not a single cloud in sight.
On their way to the bus station they stopped at a kiosk and bought coffee and sandwiches. In this moment Kibum wished that his life would be like in the movie Groundhog Day so he could experience the previous day again and again without needing to worry about his departure. With hurried footsteps they walked ten minutes to the bus stop, Kibum trying to burn every house, every stone, and every tree into his brain on their way. His heart sank when they finally reached the bus stop, the first passengers already standing in line to put their luggage in the freight capacity of the bus. He felt like crying, but he suppressed that urge, not wanting to let Jonghyun see any tears.
“When does the bus leave?” Jonghyun asked when they crossed the street and took a sip of his coffee.
“In twenty minutes,” Kibum announced after checking the time on his phone, coming to a halt near the bus.
“Get a seat first and then you can come back for another few minutes.”
Kibum nodded, handed his coffee to Jonghyun and pulled his ticket out of his shoulder bag, moving over to the bus driver who checked him in by scanning the code on his ticket, his luggage taken away and put in the bus by another staff member soon afterwards. Kibum found a free window seat rather quickly and placed his bag there, taking out the sandwich and his wallet before exiting the bus again. Jonghyun had sat down on a nearby bench, his legs crossed, both hands holding a coffee cup and a wrapped sandwich lying in his lap. Kibum sat down next Jonghyun and stretched his legs, taking his coffee cup with a short ‘thanks’.
“It’s weird. What if we he hadn’t met again after the first time? I wouldn’t be here. I wonder where I would be right now,” Jonghyun philosophized, his eyes locked on the people who got on the coach.
“You would probably be lying in your bed or someone else’s,” Kibum assumed and unwrapped his sandwich.
“It’s fascinating that you are still convinced that I sleep with everyone I meet even though I already told you otherwise,” Jonghyun replied, his face turning to Kibum.
“I’m sorry. The force of habit,” Kibum mumbled apologetically, holding his hand in front of his mouth while chewing.
“So what are you going to do when you get home?”
“Get my things from my ex-boyfriend’s place…well our place…now his place.”
He didn’t want to think of getting his things from Jinki just yet. Being confronted with the person he had broken up with only recently wasn’t something Kibum looked forward to.
“Do you already know where you are going to live?”
“Not really. For a start I will crash at my friend’s place for a while I guess. He lives together with two other guys, but they are barely at home, because they always sleep at their girlfriends’ places.”
Jonghyun nodded and unwrapped his own sandwich, taking a first bite. For a moment both of them sat next to each other without saying anything, eating their sandwiches and watching the people in front of the bus. Kibum tried to convince himself that this wasn’t really a goodbye, that he was only sitting next to Jonghyun on a bench for a break and not because he was leaving soon.
“Write me a message some time, okay?” Jonghyun said all of a sudden, making Kibum’s heart ache in his chest.
Just then reality had kicked in and trampled on his illusions.
“Send me some cute pictures or tell me what you are up to every now and then. Maybe it will help me to feel less lonely here.”
“I will,” Kibum nodded before pulling out his phone from his pocket. “I’m sure Minho won’t mind if I give you his number. Contact him if you need someone to talk, he’s a good guy,” he explained while looking for the other’s number, copying it and sending it to Jonghyun’s number in a message.
“It won’t be the same, but thank you.”
When Jonghyun’s knee started to bump against his again, Kibum started to smile, taking a last bite of his sandwich.
“I think we’re much more alike than you think.”
“How so?” Kibum asked, suddenly getting up when he heard the bus driver loudly announcing the departure of the bus in two minutes. “I need to go,” he then said, his previous question already forgotten again.
“Ah, it’s time already,” Jonghyun sighed and stood up as well, placing his cup and the sandwich on the bench behind him so his hands were free.
“Take good care of yourself.”
Jonghyun’s arms wrapped tightly around Kibum’s waist then, pulling him as close as possible and Kibum did the same, shutting his eyes and trying to ignore the rest of the world for just a minute. He felt the other’s lips pressing soft kisses against his temple and his cheek and he had to bite the inside of his cheek again to distract himself from crying. Why was he so emotional? He would miss those arms that held him just right and that bright smile that made the world seem like a better place. They rocked back and forth for a moment before Jonghyun let go of Kibum, looking at him with a warm smile.
“Have a safe trip. Drink some soju for me when you get back home,” he joked and Kibum assumed that it was to uplift the mood.
“I will. Take good care of yourself as well,” Kibum then said and raised his hand as a sign of goodbye before he turned around with a heavy heart, not daring to turn around just yet.
As he sat down on his seat, he immediately looked outside, Jonghyun standing there with his cup of coffee, watching him. So this was the end. There was no going back now. He felt tears well up in his eyes and before he knew it his cheeks were wet. When the engine started and the bus was set in motion Jonghyun energetically started to wave his arm, Kibum pressing his palm against the window next to him.
What if he hadn’t met Jonghyun? What if he had gone to a different bar on his first night? Asking hypothetical questions was useless, because he didn’t want to think of a scenario in which he hadn’t met Jonghyun. He was glad that he had made the other’s acquaintance, glad that they had met again after their first disastrous encounter.
Kibum kept watching Jonghyun waving outside the window until the bus turned around a corner, making it impossible for Kibum to see the other any longer. He let his head fall against his backrest and took a deep breath.
London was a beautiful city with nice people and lousy weather. He was thankful for the opportunity he had been given, for the memories he had been able to make. Memories that hurt a little right now, but memories that he would probably cherish for the rest of his life.
[Epilogue]
2 months later
Kibum watched the video Minho had sent him a few days ago for about the hundredth time now, Taemin only rolling his eyes at him whenever he caught him giving in to his newly found guilty pleasure. The video showed Jonghyun squatting at the lake in St. James Park, his guitar bag strapped on his back and a group of ducks, pigeons and coots in front of him. He made very loud quacking sounds, the surrounding animals responding every time he opened his mouth. Kibum could hear Minho laugh behind the camera of his phone, telling Jonghyun that he was a true bird whisperer, which made Jonghyun chuckle in return. The video was only a minute long and Kibum always paused it when Jonghyun looked over at Minho with a big smile on his face.
“Seriously? How often do you want to watch this video? Last week it was a video of Jonghyun playing a song on his guitar that you’ve watched about one million times in a row and now it’s him imitating ducks? Really? Really?”
Taemin shook his head in disbelief and let himself fall onto the armchair in the living room, eating a banana.
“I’m sorry, but it’s just so cute.”
Kibum’s friend let his head fall against the back of the armchair with an exasperated sigh, hitting himself with the palm of his hand.
“No, Taemin…it’s just casual sex. I’m a free man. It was just for fun. I don’t want a relationship right now. I don’t have feelings for this man. He’s just an average guy. He’s a musician. Never start a relationship with a musician. I won’t see him ever again anyway. Just casual sex with no strings attached…blah blah…blah blah…blah blah,” Taemin mimicked Kibum’s long list of reasons why he would never see anything else in Jonghyun than a fling.
In response Taemin was hit by a pillow shortly after which made him rub his head disapprovingly. Kibum hated it if Taemin reminded him of past failures.
“It just happened, okay? It’s not like I chose those feelings. I can’t do anything about it now. They will fade eventually I’m sure about it, but until then…let me watch my videos in peace,” Kibum replied a little annoyed, sending Taemin a taunting look from his position on the brown sofa.
“Ki, my beloved Kibum,” Taemin started in a soft tone this time and leaned over a little. “It might help to get rid of these feelings if you actually went out and met new people. If you spend every free minute with watching videos your friend Minho sends you, you will never stop liking this guy.”
Taemin was right, Taemin knew that and Kibum knew that as well, but to stop liking someone wasn’t that simple. If there had been a turn off button for this, Kibum would have pressed it already. He had been in denial way too long and it had taken him weeks after his arrival in Seoul to admit to himself that constantly thinking about a person who lived thousands of miles away was neither normal nor healthy.
At first he had gone out with Taemin like they used to before he had started dating Jinki and he had met some nice, good-looking guys. He had even gone home with one of them, but the sex had been awful, because Kibum hadn’t been able to stop comparing everything that this man did to things Jonghyun had done; his kisses, his touches, the movement of his hips, the feel of his skin beneath Kibum’s fingertips. Everything had been different and everything had felt wrong to Kibum. It felt like Jonghyun had left his imprint on him and there had been nothing Kibum could have done about it. He felt helpless.
At first Kibum had really started to dislike Jonghyun for the mere fact that he couldn’t enjoy sex with anyone else anymore, but then he had started to have random memory flashbacks and had remembered Jonghyun pulling him away from the edge of a sidewalk when a car had driven by, or when they had sat together on his bed in London, singing Nothing compares to you at the top of their lungs until his next-door neighbor had forced them to shut up. It made him realize that he indeed had been in denial all along.
He liked Jonghyun, liked him more than casual sex, liked him more than a friend and probably liked him even more than he had ever liked Jinki. Maybe Jonghyun was the person he had been always unknowingly looking for. They had shared ideas, had talked about the world and humanity until the early morning hours, and Jonghyun had helped him to understand that having a good time didn’t have anything to do with spending a lot of money.
Finally admitting to this had felt great in the beginning, but when he had realized that this concession didn’t change anything about his situation and the fact that Jonghyun lived in another country, he had fallen into a deep void.
Jonghyun still lived in London and as far as Kibum knew he had no intention of coming back anytime soon. Kibum had kept his promise and had sent Jonghyun pictures and updates on his life every now and then, the other thanking him by sending voice messages or song recordings in return. He had never told Jonghyun about it, but it had become a habit of his to fall asleep to Jonghyun’s voice messages, hearing them over and over again, the soothing tone in the other’s voice making him feel like he was back in his bed in London, lying in Jonghyun’s arms.
Being in Seoul had made him miss London really quickly. He missed the green of the plants, the colorful architecture and the people who seemed less hectic and more open. Kibum had suffered from some form of reverse culture shock during his first two weeks and had felt like a foreigner in his own country.
The first weeks had been hard on him. A day after he had arrived in Seoul he had packed his bags in Jinki’s apartment while the other had spent his time in the kitchen. Kibum had tried to initiate a conversation so they could talk things over once again, but Jinki had only shook his head and had left the room, not saying anything to Kibum anymore until he had left. Gathering up his belongings had brought back memories of them moving in, Jinki carrying Kibum over the doorstep like a groom his bride, and both of them painting the wall behind their bed in a light gray color after Jinki had lost against him in rock-paper-scissors. They had been so happy in the beginning, but after moving in together things had taken a turn for the worse quite quickly.
It had been a bitter end to a hopeless relationship. Kibum had deserved the cold shoulder Jinki had given him and yet he felt sorry for the fact that Jinki didn’t want to talk to him anymore at all. It felt like Jinki had decided to erase their time together from his memory, pretending that their relationship had never existed. Everything they had been, everything they had shared was gone now and it left a bitter after taste on Kibum’s tongue.
Moving into Taemin’s room and adapting to a lifestyle of sharing a rather small place with three other men had been quite challenging as well, but after a while he had started to enjoy the fact that there was always someone around he could talk to if he felt lonely. Living in London had apparently really lowered his thoughts on living standards.
One day after another passed and Kibum spent most of his time at university, doing research for his Master’s thesis. Fortunately one of his professors had approached him after one of his seminars in the beginning of the new semester and had asked him if he wanted to take on a job as a tutor for one of his Bachelor lectures. Kibum hadn’t hesitated for one second and had accepted the offer right away, because the pay was a lot higher than the one he had received at his previous job. So next to his own class schedule and his research at the library, Kibum spent two evenings during the week teaching freshmen about different eras of English literature and helping them with academic writing. It was a fun job that kept his thoughts away from Jonghyun at least for a few hours per week.
- Hey are you busy? –
Kibum lay on a rolled out futon bed next to Taemin’s bed, the younger one sitting on his bed and playing a game on his laptop while Kibum wrote a message to Jonghyun. It was past midnight in Korea which meant that it was late afternoon in London. Sometimes he was lucky enough to be able to talk to Jonghyun at this time, but more often than not, the other was out doing street music and Kibum would have to wait until morning to read a reply. However, when he received a voice message only a few minutes later, he automatically started to smile and turned around on his stomach, pressing the play button to hear what Jonghyun had to say.
“Go to bed, Kibum. It’s late. Don’t you have to go to university tomorrow? Sleep tight and sweet dreams. I’m on my way out. Talk to you later.”
“Kibum, use some earplugs! I’m feeling like some voyeur over here,” Taemin protested loudly and Kibum only nodded and rummaged through his bag to find his earplugs. He loved Taemin, but the other wasn’t quite supportive of his infatuation. To him it seemed ridiculous that Kibum had only fallen in love with Jonghyun after he had left London and now didn’t even have the guts to confess.
“You should tell him, you know,” Taemin said after a while and Kibum looked up from the video he was watching that showed Jonghyun singing the song Take a Bow by Madonna. Minho had taken the video during the gig Jonghyun had played on the day Kibum had left London.
“That wouldn’t change anything.”
“Why are you making it so complicated? He either likes you or he doesn’t. It’s not that hard. If he likes you, perfect. Grow old together and adopt a puppy. If he doesn’t like you, perfect….you can finally move on.”
Taemin’s gestures were very sweeping and Kibum pulled a face in response.
“Wouldn’t it be sad if he liked me as well, but we live thousands of miles apart? I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is so far away. Long-distance relationships never work.”
“You know that there is something called an airplane, right? I’m sure if he liked you he would come back to Korea.”
This statement made Kibum laugh and he sat up on his futon, shaking his head.
“He likes living in London. It would be stupid of him to come back to Korea, because of someone he doesn’t even know that well.”
“People who are in love do stupid things all the time. He wouldn’t be the first one,” Taemin shrugged before he went back to his game play, leaving Kibum alone with his thoughts.
With a sigh Kibum sank down again and put the earplugs back in, starting the video anew. It had been easier when he had still been in denial and had considered Jonghyun as nothing more than an adventure in a foreign country. After spending the majority of his adolescence in relationships it felt better to be single than he had first expected. He didn’t have to answer to anyone, could come and go as he pleased without worrying about someone. Everything would be perfect if it wasn’t for the nights that made him feel incredibly lonely. He had enjoyed falling asleep and waking up next to Jonghyun and missed the proximity of his warm body, the feeling of his fingertips softly brushing along his shoulder blades, and his lips caressing the skin along his neck.
It was funny how people only ever realized how lucky they’ve been when the luckiness they had experienced was gone again.
- Are you at home? –
Kibum sat on the old shabby couch in their small living room next to Taemin, both of them watching an old historical drama at eight in the evening while eating cereal for dinner on a Saturday, because both of them were too lazy to actually cook something. Taemin’s hair was tied up into a ponytail, his whole posture resembling the one of a sitting Buddha statue.
“Is it lover boy?” Taemin didn’t even avert his eyes from the small TV in front of them, stuffing one spoon after another into his mouth.
“Stop calling him that,” Kibum sighed and huddled up in his sweater in one corner of the couch, quickly typing in a reply. It was November by now and while his housemates still ran around in T-shirts and boxers inside the apartment Kibum froze all day, hating everyone around him for refusing to turn on the heater. After sending Jonghyun a response, his cell phone started to ring only seconds later, announcing an incoming video call. He didn’t need to look to his side to see that Taemin was rolling his eyes at him. When he accepted the call he saw Jonghyun sitting on the bunk bed in his poorly lit dorm room, the hood of a black hoodie pulled deep down into his face, making it hard to see his eyes.
“The lightning in your room is just terrible.”
It was the first thing that left Kibum’s lips, making the other laugh lowly.
“I didn’t want to video call you in the bathroom again. People might start thinking I’m talking to myself if I lock myself up in a toilet all the time,” he replied, the sound of his voice causing Kibum to involuntarily smile.
“Why are you calling?”
“I wanted to show you something,” Jonghyun grinned, sounding rather mysterious.
Kibum frowned, wondering what the other was up to. Over the past few weeks he had learned to speak the language of Jonghyun’s smiles quite well. Depending on how wide it was, or how much teeth he showed it could mean a lot of different things.
“What is it?”
He was curious and sat straight-up, seeing from the corner of his eye that even Taemin had his head slightly turned in his direction now, following their conversation. With a ‘tada’ Jonghyun pulled the hood back, revealing his hair; it was platinum blonde now, the sides trimmed very short. With a surprised look on his face Kibum sat on the couch with his cell phone in hand, not knowing what to say. Even Taemin looked surprised a faint ‘wow’ leaving his lips.
“It’s pretty cool, isn’t it? I thought if you can do it, I can do it as well” Jonghyun chuckled and rubbed the back of his head when Kibum didn’t say anything. The hair was definitely a change he hadn’t expected to see.
“Well, that’s something else,” he croaked out, tilting his head a little to the side.
Jonghyun looked like a totally different person; his features seemingly softer and somehow more fragile. It was something he had to get used to.
“Dude, that looks super hot and I’m straight,” Kibum heard Taemin whisper and glanced over at him.
“Thanks, Taemin.”
Taemin got flustered when he realized that his whisper had been loud enough for Jonghyun to hear and he stuttered a quick “Hey Jonghyun, long time no see,” before turning his head back to the TV.
“Why did you dye and cut your hair?”
Even though Kibum had come to terms with himself in regard to liking Jonghyun by now, he still had trouble saying something nice to the other. He had tried to figure out why it was so difficult for him to compliment Jonghyun, but until now he hadn’t been able to figure it out.
“I don’t know. Winter is near, snow might fall pretty soon and I wanted to adapt to that. I think I’m looking like the Snow Queen now.”
This comment made Kibum laugh and he held his palm in front of his mouth, the phone in his hand shaking. They might have been thousands of miles apart, but they had grown closer on an emotional level since Kibum’s departure. Unfortunately, this fact made it even harder to let go and move on for Kibum.
“I really miss you sometimes,” Jonghyun then suddenly said, making Kibum’s heart ache and Taemin look up again in curiosity, spoon in his mouth.
An awkward laugh left Kibum’s lips and he flinched when a punch hit his upper arm, causing him to glare at Taemin who only shrugged and formed a silent ‘HE IS SO INTO YOU. TELL HIM’ with his mouth. But instead of following Taemin’s advice Kibum played the comment down by simply saying his standard sentence “There are so many people in London to have fun with” earning him another light punch.
“Kibum, you are a true romantic,” Jonghyun sighed with a tiny smirk, fingers ruffling the mop of blonde hair on his head. “Talking to you always makes me feel loved and appreciated,” he added ironically and sank down onto his bed.
“Anyway, I need to go now. Have a nice evening,” he announced then all of a sudden, ending the video call with a quick wave of his hand, not giving Kibum any time to respond. A little dumbfounded Kibum looked at the screen, not really sure what had just happened. Had he said something wrong?
“You are so dumb, Ki…I can’t believe how dumb you are.”
Taemin’s eyes were filled with horror and he repeatedly shook his head, leaning forward to smack Kibum across the head.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Kibum snarled, offended, ducking his head when the other’s palm wanted to smack him another time.
“Are you always giving such lame responses when he says something like that? There are many people in London to have fun with? Are you a heartless monster? I thought you liked him?”
“I do, but he only meant it in a joking way. He always says such random stuff. It’s his charm,” Kibum defended himself, but could see in the other’s eyes that Taemin wasn’t buying any of it.
“Telling someone you missed them is a random thing? Really? Kibum, a man who falls in love with you needs to have strong nerves…that’s for sure.”
Kibum sat at a table in his university’s library, several thick books and his laptop in front of him. It was past eleven in the evening and not many people were around anymore. It was almost completely silent around him, only the sound of turning pages and fingers tapping the keys on a laptop audible every now and then. He loved to be at the library at this hour, surrounded by shelves filled with knowledge and almost no one in sight to disturb the peaceful silence. After living with three other men for a while now, the library had become his safe haven when he needed some time to himself. He looked at his phone when he saw the screen light up, the vibration on it turned off so it could not bother anyone around.
– Hey ^_^ ! Are you at home? –
A smile spread on his lips and he quickly replied to Jonghyun that he was still at the library, working on his thesis.
– Such a diligent student. Have you eaten yet? –
Jonghyun always seemed to worry that Kibum didn’t take good enough care of himself, asking him if he had slept enough, if he had eaten, if he had taken some time off from his studies. It sometimes made him believe that Jonghyun was his mother and not his friend.
– I haven’t eaten yet. Maybe there are left-overs at home. I will check when I get home. –
He answered truthfully and straightened his back, sitting on a chair all day wasn’t very good for his posture.
– Ahh…Kibum. It’s past eleven. You need to eat! Aren’t there any restaurants or something around? ㅎㅅㅎ –
Kibum chuckled lowly into his hand, trying to imagine Jonghyun pulling the face that the emoticon showed.
– Eating alone sucks TT__TT. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it! –
A swift exchange of messages followed and before he knew it one of the library’s staff members came up to him, telling him that the library would close in fifteen minutes. Kibum thanked her with a little bow and told Jonghyun that he had to go now. After that he packed his laptop and the lent books into a basket, carrying them to the lockers outside of the reading room.
The days had gotten shorter and Kibum left the building wrapped up in a thick coat and a long red scarf, burying his nose into the wool to protect at least parts of his face from the cold. The only good thing about the approach of winter were the starry nights, because now even in a place like Seoul one could see the stars from time to time.
When he came back to the place he called home by now Taemin was asleep already, so he tried to make as little noise as he could, putting in his earplugs as he lay down on his futon and listened to a song Jonghyun had sent him a few days ago. Jonghyun had told him that he had written and composed the song with Kibum in mind and after listening to the lyrics for the first time Kibum had started to question if Jonghyun might had feelings for him after all and was not just playing around. The song sounded like a declaration of love without using the word love even once. It was written like a poem, telling the story of two people who had met each other in an unknown place. It was very abstractly written, but if read between the lines Kibum could understand how the song might relate to him.
A few days later Kibum’s phone was gone. He had looked for it everywhere, had searched for it in every corner of the apartment, but it had vanished into thin air. He had been sure that he had put it on the sideboard in the kitchen while he had cooked with Taemin and the others, but when he had checked again later he hadn’t been able to find it anywhere. It had just disappeared.
Even after Taemin had reassured him that they would find the phone eventually, Kibum was short of a panic attack, going through the most horrible scenarios. All the phone numbers gone, all the pictures he had taken gone, all the text messages gone, all the videos and voice messages from Jonghyun gone. He had felt like collapsing for about an hour until Taemin suddenly showed up with his cell phone in hand, holding it up triumphantly.
“Found it!” he grinned, playing with Kibum’s desperation for a moment by handing him the phone and snatching it away in the last second over and over again before giving it to him for real.
“Where did you find it?” Kibum exclaimed, staring at the phone as if it was the most valuable item in the world.
“I found it behind the coffee brewer. Maybe it was pushed there while cooking,” Taemin shrugged before he turned around on his heels and marched out of the door without saying anything else.
Kibum looked after Taemin for a second, hugging the phone close to his chest. He had never lost his phone before and he would make sure that he would never lose it again.
It was past midnight when Kibum received a video call from Jonghyun. He still sat on the couch next to Taemin, both playing around on their laptops while the TV was running in the background.
“Hey,” Kibum said, correcting the fit of his fringe when he saw himself in the camera in the upper right corner of his phone.
“Hey, are you alone?” A frown spread on Kibum’s face. Usually, Jonghyun didn’t care if he was alone our surrounded by a group of people.
“Taemin is sitting next to me,” he replied, swaying the camera shortly to Taemin who weirdly enough waved at the camera and stood up in the next second.
“It’s okay. I wanted to go to bed anyway,” Taemin butted in quickly, grabbed his laptop and padded over to their shared room without even saying goodnight.
Kibum didn’t know why, but ever since the disappearance of his phone the other had acted weird – weirder than on other days at least. He heard the door fall shut behind his friend and leaned forward to turn off the TV as well. The room fell almost completely silent then, only the ventilation of his laptop making some noise.
“What’s going on?” Kibum wanted to know and wrapped a blue wool blanket closer around his shoulders.
“You know that I like you, right?”
The question came so suddenly that Kibum was taken aback for a second, not knowing what to respond.
“Kibum, don’t act so surprised. Why do you think I showed up at your place every night? Because sleeping in a dorm room sucks so much? And why do you think I’m talking to you almost every day?”
Jonghyun made it almost sound like a serious question.
“Just so you know, I haven’t slept with anyone else since you’ve been gone,” he admitted then and sighed “But I know you have. That’s fine, though. You are single after all and I heard that you didn’t like it anyway…which is good to know,” Jonghyun added quickly, his gaze dropping for a moment.
Kibum’s heart sank and he nibbled on his bottom lip, still not knowing what to say. Jonghyun looked hurt. Why did he know that Kibum had slept with someone else and why did he say all those things right now? Was he confessing? After not saying anything for what felt like an eternity to Kibum but were probably only a few seconds Jonghyun looked up again, scratching his brow.
“You don’t seem very talkative today.”
“I’m…I just don’t know what to say,” Kibum said cautiously, his free hand fumbling with the edges of his blanket.
“Let’s be serious for a second. I asked you before but you laughed it off. So let’s be real here… Do you like me?”
There was this question again, swarming around in his head in big black letters. The question that had caused him so many sleepless nights. Of course he liked Jonghyun, but how should this work? Seeing each other once a year, because flight tickets were too expensive for excessive travelling? How quickly would Jonghyun get bored of him if he couldn’t see him regularly? Wasn’t the temptation to sleep with another person the highest when there was a special someone in one’s life who wasn’t continuously present?
“Okay. Stop thinking, Kibum. Put all doubts and all horror scenarios you can think of aside for a second. Do you have feelings for me?”
After hesitating for a moment Kibum took a deep breath, answering Jonghyun’s question with a simple and short ‘yes’, a big satisfied smile forming on the other’s lips. Now that he had actually openly admitted to having feelings for Jonghyun he didn’t know what to think. What difference would it make? Jonghyun was still in London and he was in Seoul? What would they be doing? Webcam sex? Kibum couldn’t imagine for this to work on any level.
Kibum had been right. Admitting openly to his feelings hadn’t changed anything at all. He still felt lonely and forsaken at night, wishing for Jonghyun to cradle him in his arms, holding him close. It had been five days since their talk and Jonghyun hadn’t said anything about it anymore afterwards. It felt like their conversation hadn’t even taken place and Kibum had just dreamed everything. Moreover, Taemin had showed no proper reaction when Kibum had told him that his feelings for Jonghyun were out in the open now. He had only held up a ‘thumbs up’ the next morning while devouring his cereal. Kibum couldn’t understand why the other acted so indifferently. After all it had been Taemin who had urged Kibum over and over again to confess.
Sitting in the library in the late hours of the day had become some sort of routine for Kibum and this day was no different. He sat at a table with a stack of books and his laptop in front of him and copied down everything he thought was useful for his thesis. It was past ten when Kibum received a message from Jonghyun, asking him if he was still at the library.
– Yeah, the thesis doesn’t write itself TT__TT – he replied quickly and went back to reading in his books.
– I’m sure you look cute all hunched over a pile of books – said the next text, a sad smile appearing on Kibum’s lips.
Without replying he turned back to his books only to look at his phone again when another message appeared on his screen.
– Why that sad face? –
For a moment Kibum was confused, not really knowing why Jonghyun would write that. Was he talking about the emoticon in his previous message?
– I’m not sad. – He replied, this time not putting his cell phone away.
– Have you eaten already? –
– No, I haven’t yet –
– Why don’t you go to that little Chinese restaurant opposite of the library? The one with the cute panda as a logo? –
Kibum was utterly puzzled now, not knowing how Jonghyun could know of the Chinese restaurant near the library? Had he been here before and had never told him about it?
– Ah, you know that eating alone sucks. Don’t worry, I will eat something at home. –
Only ten seconds after he had pressed the sent button, he had a new message on his phone.
– We could go together if you want?! – it said and Kibum huffed and shook his head.
It was still afternoon in London so why did Jonghyun sound like he was drunk?
– How so? Did you invent a way to teleport yourself here? –
It took a couple of seconds before he heard a low chuckle behind him, the voice sounding oddly familiar. It sounded like Jonghyun’s laugh, but Jonghyun was in London. Was he hallucinating?
“You know, there are things like airplanes. They fly through the air and bring you from point A to point B.”
Startled, Kibum spun around in his chair, looking straight into Jonghyun’s smiling face who looked way too real to be a hallucination. He wanted to say something, but everything that came out of his mouth were inaudible sounds.
“Surprise,” Jonghyun joked then and lifted both his hands, shaking them in a comical way. He wore a brown hat on his platinum blonde hair and a tight fitting black turtle neck, the classy clothes giving off a completely different vibe to the usual casual look Kibum had been used to seeing him in. Had he been influenced by Minho’s fashion sense?
“You are here,” Kibum then stated the obvious, blinking his eyes. “I mean you are here in Seoul and not in London,” he added, flabbergasted.
This felt all so unreal. Only when Jonghyun came up to him and wrapped his arms around him did he realize that he wasn’t hallucinating and that Jonghyun was really standing in front of him in the library. Kibum had been wrong. Something had changed after all. Jonghyun was here…with him. He pressed his face against Jonghyun’s shoulder and slung his arms around the other’s waist, not wanting to let go ever again.
“If you just had asked me I would have come back right away,” Jonghyun whispered in Kibum’s ear, fingers stroking his hair lovingly.
“But why?” Kibum’s voice sounded muffled from being too close to the fabric of Jonghyun’s sweater.
The older one let go of him then, thumb brushing along Kibum’s chin with a soft smile.
“Let’s get out of here first,” he then said and grabbed the pile of books lying on the table.
Kibum followed without objection and took his laptop, both walking outside of the reading room side by side. Jonghyun looked at him with a smile while Kibum still couldn’t believe that the other had travelled all the way from London to Seoul…for him.
Wrapped in coats and scarfs and hands tucked into their pockets they exited the building minutes later, Jonghyun’s eyes automatically wandering up to the sky.
“Remember when I told you that we are more alike than you think? We both ran away from our life here and tried to find our true selves in another country. I think there is a reason for us meeting five thousand miles away from home. We both felt lonely and somehow I believe that this is the reason for us stumbling upon each other over and over again,” he explained calmly, his breath visible in the cold. “Meeting you felt like something had finally fallen into place. It felt right. I felt at home even though I wasn’t. I think if I’m with you it doesn’t matter where I am. I will always feel at home.”
Jonghyun then looked over to Kibum, one hand leaving the pocket of his black coat to grab for Kibum’s, intertwining their fingers. They had never held hands before and it felt unfamiliar but also very nice and innocent. It was odd how they had started out with sex and had ended up with holding hands. As they started to walk they didn’t go to the restaurant Jonghyun had suggested earlier, instead he guided Kibum to a green area near the campus where students liked to spend their breaks between classes in summer, a few streetlamps casting their light along a paved path that went through it.
“Taemin is a nice fellow who cares a lot about you. You should keep him close,” Jonghyun said after a while, coming to a halt near a red painted bench. When Kibum sent him a baffled look Jonghyun started to smile and turned towards him.
“He called me a few days ago and told me that he couldn’t stand your stupidity any longer,” he smirked and all of a sudden something clicked inside Kibum.
His phone had never been lost, Taemin had taken it to get Jonghyun’s phone number.
“You should have told me, you know. I mean, I knew it, but I wanted to hear you saying it. If Taemin hadn’t called me I probably would have waited until you finally admit it yourself,” Jonghyun said thoughtfully and grabbed for Kibum’s other hand. The younger one bit the inside of his cheek, not knowing what to reply. Seeing Jonghyun in front of him and feeling his warm hands around his still felt unreal to him. He was afraid that he would wake up any moment only to realize that everything was just a dream and that Jonghyun was still in London.
“So you kept watching the videos Minho sent you?” Jonghyun asked then and tilted his head, playfully biting his bottom lip.
Kibum was flustered. What did Taemin tell him? Everything?
“I just liked watching them,” Kibum replied lowly, suddenly feeling small and petty.
It felt like the dynamic in their relationship had completely changed ever since Kibum had started to see more in Jonghyun than a fling. He had always felt rather confident and sure of himself around Jonghyun when the two of them had still been in London, but now he felt rather insecure, because he didn’t want to hurt Jonghyun by saying something wrong. Was this a sign of falling in love? To take back his own wants and needs in consideration of someone else’s feelings? To get flustered and shy around the person of interest?
“By the way…greetings from Minho. He complained that you never call him and told me to force you to contact him.”
“Does Minho know you are here with me?” Kibum sounded more surprised than he wanted to, feeling Jonghyun’s thumbs stroking over the back of his hands. When Jonghyun nodded with a hum Kibum furrowed his brow, slightly confused.
“Yeah, he helped me to pay for the ticket. Minho is a great guy.”
When Jonghyun stepped closer then and placed both his hands on Kibum’s cheeks the younger could feel the coldness of a little silver ring around the other’s left thumb in contrast to the warmth of his palms.
“I really do like you, you know,” Jonghyun whispered then with a warm smile, his thumbs stroking along the top of Kibum’s cheeks.
He leaned closer then and Kibum automatically closed his eyes, waiting for the other’s lips to press onto his, his heart beating violently against his chest.
Kissing Jonghyun again felt just as good as he had remembered it, the softness of the other’s lips engulfing him in a sweet sensation. The cold wind that swept over them made him shudder and he heard some fallen leaves rustle over the ground and a car that drove past the park. His hands found their way to Jonghyun’s waist, pulling him closer and holding him tight. Kibum had missed this feeling, because the other’s lips made him feel like coming home. Maybe Jonghyun was right and there really had been a reason for their encounter, or maybe there wasn’t and everything had been only a fortunate coincidence. It didn’t matter, because Kibum was happy and somehow it felt like he had finally found himself again.
“It somehow feels like I’ve found my happy ending,” Kibum spoke in a soft voice when their lips parted, Jonghyun’s nose brushing along his.
It really seemed like one. After a long time of unhappiness and doubts Kibum finally felt at ease, having found someone who challenged him and made him want to be a better person.
“Why is this a happy ending? I thought this was just the beginning,” Jonghyun responded faintly before he encircled him with his arms, his head resting against Kibum’s. They stood there under the flickering light of a streetlamp with no one around, savoring the other’s warmth, a feeling of comfort covering them like a blanket. Jonghyun started to hum a soft melody then, his body swaying slowly with the other in his arms and Kibum smiled, his eyes tightly closed.
He was happy. He was finally happy.