Chapter Text
Blinding light illuminates the towering trees like a hundred thunderspears detonating at once. Levi watches as his squad transforms, as massive bodies rain down and begin scrambling towards him.
He knows he must survive. It is all he has ever known how to do, but this, this is close to his breaking point. He is afforded only a moment’s hesitation, spent stricken with mountainous guilt, before he is forced into action by the snapping of a titan’s jaw.
Varis. Theodor. Freidrich.
With each swing of a sword, Levi brings down another comrade.
Caspar. Greta. Moritz.
He curses himself, and that damn wine.
Joerg. Helmet. Klaus.
But not you.
How horrid is it that he feels some relief? That the thought comforts him, that perhaps someone made it out, and of everyone it might be you.
Maybe you were out of range. Maybe you didn’t drink enough. Maybe.
He shuts the thought from his mind. He may not be one for regrets, but he can hardly afford to indulge in wishful thinking.
So that is the last he thinks of you for a long while.
————————————
You had gone out early that morning to collect mint by the river. Something was passing through the company, a stomach flu of some kind. Tch. You felt inclined to blame the Marleyans for that damn wine everyone was raving about. After all, your own gut felt a tad unsettled after being persuaded to try a few sips not too many nights ago.
-
“You’re nearly as uptight as the Captain, try some before it’s gone!” Varis had implored, as he laid out glasses to divide the last of the wine.
“I’m a doctor, Varis. I’d more readily use that wine to clean those scratches you got trouncing about chasing rabbits,” you responded wearily, but with no bite. “And anyway, you really want to get me drunk? I might end up giving you poison instead of tonic for your next hangover.”
He feigned hurt, dramatically bringing a hand to his chest, warm light of the campfire adding a theatrical glow.
“It really is quite good.” Caspar contributed quietly.
After what the Beast Titan had done in Ragako, you could never really let your guard down. But a month into the mission, encouraged by your soft spot for the young, quiet Scout who reminded you of your own little brother, and really all the Scouts here, your resolve waned slightly.
But you were determined to hold firm, and did not let Varis see your changing expression, the small smile you held.
“Do as you like, Apothecary. But Varis is right, you can relax a bit,” said Levi, having caught sight of your expression when you turned away from Varis. Levi surprised you with his comment, as he had gotten quieter and quieter around the campfire lately. He spoke flatly, but you knew him well enough by now to understand this was his form of care, that he was saying he could shoulder whatever burden that came.
You turned to Varis and gave a theatrical sigh to match his own, tipping your head dramatically. “Looks like it’s an order, Varis. Pour me a glass.”
“A small one!” You added, catching sight of the wide, triumphant grin on his face.
It really had been good wine.
-
Maybe it hadn’t been the wine then, but rather those creepy looking hares Varis had insisted upon using in the stew because he found the wild rabbits too cute. Anyway, it didn’t matter. You needed to find some mint, and ideally ginger, if you could stumble upon some.
You hadn’t much luck so far, riding further and further from the campsite. You hoped Levi wouldn't be too upset. He’d only barely let you go, persuaded by Caspar’s olfactorily delightful digestive issues this morning, and your assurance that there were likely no titans or other dangers about.
There. A small bed of bright green leaves a few feet from the shore. If you crept carefully along the islet, you might just be able to reach it. You removed your cape and shoes, draping the cape on Bertha, your lovely mare, as you were sure the afternoon sun was heating her beautiful black hair uncomfortably. Ready to begin your mission, you trudged towards the water.
Just a bit further, you thought to yourself, attempting to ignore your now wet toes, crouching forward.
Stretching your arm out long, you made contact with a bunch of small stems, emitting a satisfied huff before a sudden wave of nausea overcame you and your mind fogged intensely.
This is odd. You thought, in a moment of clarity, feeling your body keel towards the water. This doesn’t feel like a stomach flu at all. You thought, vaguely fascinated, watching as a bright light emitted from your palms.
And then, nothing.
———————————————
Bright light, like a thousand stars in the night, illuminated your vision, a sense of peace flooding your every sense.
Cold. That was the first thing you noticed, before realizing you were underwater.
Maneuvering your limbs was difficult, like you had somehow forgotten how to use them, but after some flailing you managed to break to the surface and pull yourself to the riverbank, gasping wildly.
You must have fainted or something. Your mind was so damn fuzzy. What the hell had happened?
You didn’t know how long you had been underwater, but you’d had some sort of nightmare. It had something to do with your family, at your family home in Ragako, sometime before that bastard Zeke had turned them all into Titans. You hadn’t been home with them in the vision, just watching from a distance, when you got the sense they were all in intense pain. What kind of pre-death vision was that? Weren’t people supposed to have pleasant, peaceful thoughts when they almost died? Of foregone friends and family guiding them to the afterlife?
And Levi. What happened to Levi? Why were you thinking of him again? If anything, you should be concerned for Caspar, who surely was still struggling to pass whatever had caused the stomach flu.
Fuck. The mint! There didn’t seem to be any left, the edge of the islet now buried by mud or silt, somehow. Levi was going to kill you, spending a full day out, almost dying, and not even bringing anything back to alleviate the company’s stomach issues.
Still cursing, you tried to orient yourself on the riverbank. Bertha was gone. You found this odd. She had nerves of steel for a horse, having accompanied you on various missions into Titan territory.
You hoped she was alright.
Having ridden so far, you were now closer to Trost than camp. Stupid, you thought to yourself, cursing your fixation on the mint. It would have cost a great deal more, but you could have just gone to Trost to buy a company’s worth of stomach tonic if you were going to waste a day, lose your horse, and fall into the river. Stupid, you thought again.
Well, you definitely weren’t going to make it back to camp by sundown now. Maybe you could try to borrow a horse. Feeling for your jacket pockets, you were grateful to find you still had a small albeit wet sack of coins. Grabbing your shoes, you trudged onwards towards Trost.
_
You had thought you were heading towards Trost, but now you were wondering if you had severely hit your head on something, because hours of walking later, there was not a single wall in sight.
Had you somehow wandered outside the walls? Far enough that Wall Maria wasn’t even visible? No, that wasn’t possible. Maybe?
You couldn’t shake the thought of Levi, either, which wasn’t entirely odd for you, but you felt such a strong sense that something had horrible had happened to him.
You must’ve hit your head.
_
Eventually, you came upon a town that certainly looked like Trost, minus the walls. But you recognized the church, and a few of the taverns and shops the Scouts frequented before missions.
The town certainly looked like it had seen better days, with the buildings on the edges where the walls should be completely destroyed. There weren’t many people about, and those who were looked at you suspiciously. You and the company had only been gone for a month, so what the hell had happened? Shouldn’t Commander Pixis have sent a messenger if something major like this had happened?
You decided to make for the medical supply shop. Not many were friendly to the Scouts nowadays, but doctors at least tended to be more or less neutral. And besides, last time you were here you had given the owner the recipe to your poison ivy salve in exchange for discounted medical supplies. Perhaps he would remember and be friendly enough to give you some information about what had happened here.
Pushing through the heavy doors, you were discouraged to see an unfamiliar man with a large, curved moustache standing behind the counter that was neither the doctor nor his assistant.
“Is Dr. Jung in?” You inquired, in what was hopefully a neutral tone.
“No ma’am, he’s out tending to the injured, ‘lot of ‘em after the last couple ‘a days,” says the man.
“What do you mean by that?” You ask, turning to inspect the stomach tonics and hide your face. Reconnaissance never was your strength.
“You been living under a rock, Missy? Since that Eren Yaeger came through with all them Wall Titans. 'eard it all went down in Shiganshima. Those damn Marleyans bombed the city and brought all their damn Titans, the furry one, the short one, even the one with the long face. If Eren hadn’t acted, we’d all be goners by now,” the man continues.
“The Beast Titan?” You turn back to the counter, placing a few coins on the table. That couldn’t be right. You can’t help yourself, not even trying to be coy anymore. “I thought Captain Levi was meant to be guarding him.”
“Hah!” The man laughs. “Captain Levi is dead. I heard the Jaegerist got ‘m, and rightfully so, if he was trying to stop the rumbling! Never liked ‘m anyway, saw 'm come through this town once and he’s far shorter than you’d expect, not hero-like at all, that one.”
You’d stopped listening by the first sentence.
Levi. Dead.
The words echoed in your mind, depriving you of any other thought. You gripped the counter, all the air sucked from your lungs, a pit the size of the Colossal titan forming in your stomach.
“Missy, you alright?” The shopkeeper asked. “Say, ain’t that a Scouts jacket? Y’ain’t one of those old regime Scouts apologists are ya?”
Levi. Dead.
You forced a smile, or a grimace rather. “Absolutely not. Thank you sir.” You said hurriedly, turning to leave to shop, wanting to get as far away from this cursed town as possible as the man called after you that you had forgotten your stomach tonic.
As soon as you were a safe distance from the town, you collapsed onto yourself.
Levi. Dead.
It couldn’t be true. Levi being dead was devastating enough, but if he was dead, what did that mean about Varis? Caspar? Verena? Sebastian?
If all the wall titans were gone, was anyone safe? Information, you needed information. You need to find Hange, anyone. You doubted they would have agreed to a full rumbling.
Oh god.
Was Hange dead too? The thought was too much to bear.
Levi. Dead.
Your breathing quickened and your vision blurred. Too much. Too much.