Chapter Text
It’s been downright hellish for the city over the last few days. She’s casual in high-waisted jeans, sneakers, and a worn Journey t-shirt. Olivia has decided to tell Elliot her truth on a Saturday night with a cool breeze. Ironic that it’s on the steps of the library. Patience and Fortitude witnessed the last discussion of their “relationship”. She was relieved then to hear that Elliot thought her rejection was just bad timing. But since then, she’s realized it’ll likely never be right.
They just aren’t meant to be.
They were great partners. They’d still die and kill for one another. They are each other’s fiercest protectors and greatest cheerleaders. But the workaholics that they are and the lives they lead don’t leave room for much else. At least, not the kind of relationship she admits to her shrink to deserve but will likely never have. Olivia is content with a rewarding career that fulfills her, an amazing son despite his growing teenage angst, and the supportive, loving family she has with her small circle of friends.
Not everyone gets to have it all. Statistically, most people don’t. So, she’s skipped the coffee, grabbed two hot dogs the way they like ‘em, two chilled lemonades, and waits. He doesn’t leave her hanging long. Elliot’s always been the more punctual one between the two.
“Hey,” she says as he approaches.
Down to a loosened tie with his sleeves rolled up and casual slacks, he looks like he came straight from work.
“Hey,” he mimics. “One of those for me?”
“Of course,” Olivia says, handing him the dog and a cold drink. “You go to the office today?”
“Yeah,” he answers. “With Jet gone, things feel like they take longer, and we have some…heavy cases right now.”
“I feel like both of us always have something heavy going on.”
“You're CO of an elite unit, and I work in the OCCB,” Elliot reminds her. “Heavy comes with the territory.”
“You’re not wrong,” she admits. “Takes a lot of bandwidth to handle consistently, though.”
“You thinkin’ of retiring there, Cap?”
“No,” she responds instantly. “I’m sure NYPD is gonna have to force us both to hand over our shields before somebody finds us decomposing at our desks.”
“Touché,” he says.
He watches her for a few quiet moments, noticing her pensive expression.
“What’s goin’ on, Liv?” He asks, finishing his hot dog. “This about a case?”
“No,” Olivia tells him. “I wanted to talk to you about where…we stand.”
“We’re good,” he assures her. “Like you said, we both have a lot going on.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
She tosses her waste in the trash, takes a deep sip of her lemonade.
“Enlighten me.”
“I know there was a time you wanted us to move past being friends and into something more,” she says. “Has that changed?”
He looks at her, really looks at her as he steps closer, resulting in a slight blush to her skin.
“No, Liv, it hasn’t.”
“That’s why I asked you to meet me here,” Olivia admits. “I don’t want to keep you on the hook or have us both feeling like we’re in this…limbo.”
He gives her a knowing smirk.
“Why does it feel like you’re breaking up with me when we’ve never been together?”
“Like I told Randall, we’re great friends, Elliot,” she tells him. “We always will be,” she adds. “But that ten-year absence is a hurdle I can’t get over to see us working out.”
“I get it.”
Well, that was a hell of a lot easier than she thought it was gonna be.
“We all have things we consider unforgivable,” he acknowledges. “I remember how hurt and angry I was after you went to Oregon for a few months without a goodbye, and that was for a case,” he reminds them. “I can only imagine what it took from you after I did it voluntarily for a decade.”
She’s fighting tears when he’s done, having dredged up all those feelings from Cragen telling her the news. Her breakdown in that interrogation room. Who knew those emotions were still so close to the surface?
“El…”
“But it’s been nearly five years, Olivia,” he says, in a rare use of her full name. “You’ve repeatedly reached out to me for cases, you trust me with Noah, hell, last week I threatened some asshole’s life on you and Noah’s behalf,” he adds, stepping closer. “You call, I show up. That’s all I’ve been trying to do.”
“You show up for a lot of people, Elliot,” she points out. “That’s who you are. It’s who we both are,” she goes on. “So much so that there’s not room for much else.”
He takes her nearly empty lemonade and tosses it in the trash with his. Then he returns, reaching for her hands.
“I’ll always make room for you,” he asserts meeting her skeptical eyes. “Or…I’d at least like the opportunity to try,” he adds. “These last few years, I’ve tried to prove to you that I’m back, that I’m staying.”
She’s hesitant, scared. Elliot leans down, touching his cheek to hers.
“I thought you wanted this too,” he rasps in her ear. “I thought you just weren’t ready.”
That voice, his smell, the feel of him so close…none of it’s helping.
“That was over two years ago,” Olivia points out. “Surely you haven’t been—
“—Yeah. I have been waiting,” he interrupts, pulling back to meet her eyes again. “And I wanna give you more than just my patience.”
“It’s not just you that I don’t think it’ll work with,” she offers. “It’s never worked out with anyone, Elliot. And I don’t think it ever will,” she adds. “I’ve learned to live with that.”
“So, you’ve just…given up on love?”
“I clearly don’t have the energy or attention span it takes to hold a relationship together.”
“We held one together for over twelve years, Liv,” he points out. “Yes, we fought, but that had more to do with the feelings we couldn’t act on,” he goes on. “Besides…relationships are less work with the right person.”
“If what I witnessed between you and Kathy is ‘less work’, I’m gonna pass,” Olivia says, releasing his hands to pull away.
“So, all your friends, Fin, Amanda, Carisi,” he begins. “They get their happily-ever-after, and you don’t?”
“What makes you so cocky about being my ‘happily-ever-after’?” She asks. “What makes you so sure we’d work out?”
“I’m the longest relationship you’ve ever had with a man,” he recites from memory. “Who else is gonna put up with you?”
Olivia crosses her arms beneath her breasts in defiance, but can’t help the small grin that appears on her face at his recollection.
“You’re one smug bastard.”
Elliot drops the smirk and grows serious as he closes the distance between them to take her hands in his again.
“There anyone besides you stopping this?”
“No,” she answers immediately. “Just me coming to terms with reality.”
He rests his forehead against hers.
“And there’s nothing I can say or do to change your mind?”
Again, she’s hesitant. His proximity always gives her pause.
“Afraid not.”
“Can I kiss you goodbye?”
“I’m not going anywhere, Elliot,” she tells him, leaning away. “I’m still gonna text and call, and I expect you to do the same,” she adds. “We are friends. I’m just telling you the truth so you can move on.”
“That a ‘no’?”
“If it makes it easier to accept? Fine. You can—”
He doesn’t wait for her to finish before he leans down to cover her lips with his. The first thing she thinks is how surprisingly soft they are. Olivia was expecting a quick peck, not this. Not him tracing the seam of her lips with his tongue or Elliot taking her lower lip into the warmth of his mouth to suckle on, causing her to gasp and open for him. He thoroughly tastes her, making her moan before ending the kiss and pulling back.
“Thank you,” Elliot whispers against her lips before releasing her. “If you or Noah ever need anything, you know how to reach me.”
“Yeah,” she manages as he puts some distance between them.
“See you later.”
“Later, El.”
Olivia definitely should’ve declined the kiss. By the time she gets home, it’s all she can think about. If ever there was an Olympics-level event for self-restraint, the good captain would undoubtedly take home the gold. The one thing she believes is detrimental to maintaining her mental health is a single repeated phrase she says to herself:
“It was just a kiss.”