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I woke up this morning to the mid-summer sun pushing through my too-thin curtains.
It makes my head pound immediately.
It hurts.
The heaviness of my limbs and the oiliness of my skin feel absolutely sickening through my skin.
I twist my aching head back toward the ceiling and glare at it until my eyes blur.
I’m too aware of my body, each lift and fall of my chest.
Why am I here?
My fingers twitch. I don't notice.
I can see dust particles floating in the lit-up air around me. I can see a half-eaten ramen cup on the dresser in front of my bed that I couldn't get the stomach to finish days ago. I can see the pile of dirty and clean clothes on the floor staring into my fading soul.
When did this begin?
Everything I see is dim.
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The water flows down my nude body. My long, black strands of hair stick to my back and forehead.
The only sound I can hear is the shower water hitting the glass tub beneath the heavy heels of my feet and my thoughts over it.
My expression is blank. I stare at the water slipping down the drain. My cheeks are sore. The back of my throat is sore, and a faint tingling lingers. I smiled too much today. Why did I make such faces? Why did I laugh? It was a facade, right? I forced myself.
The thoughts crowd my mind.
The laughter from hours ago won't stop echoing in my head.
It won't stop.
I wasn't feeling any joy; I don't think I can. What reasons do I have to smile truthfully?
I'm not allowed.
Happiness is miserable. What good do I get out of a normal, sappy life? I am lying to myself.
Do I even know what happiness truly is?
I blur my vision even more than it already was.
I can feel the water tapping my skin to the tips of my toes, touching the tub. I can feel my heart pounding.
I hate this feeling. I can feel my own thoughts.
It's too much.
It's…claustrophobic?
Is the shower really running? Am I imagining things? Am I hallucinating my life?
These thoughts aren't real. Why is my own consciousness attacking me? But what good am I without it attacking me?
What would I do with the absence of my misery and despair?
I bring my hands up and clutch my head, digging my fingertips into my scalp as I try not to make a noise with Satoru right outside the bathroom.
My body forces me to inhale sharply.
I don't even exhale as the air gets trapped in my throat.
Was I holding my breath without realizing?
It feels like a boulder is on my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut as I let my thoughts consume me.
Why am I letting it happen? Do I really prefer this over feeling happy? I don’t know.
I don't even know if I'm thinking anything. Does that make sense? I don't make sense. The sounds and objects around me don't make sense.
I feel foggy.
My eyes focus again, looking at my feet. My eyes go wide.
This isn't fake. Why can't it be fake?
I have to continue like this for the rest of my life, don't I?
What is the point of anything I ever do in my life?
I don't want this. A full, normal life is miserable.
I finally exhale and let out a whimper mixed with a gasp, removing my hands from my head and onto my thighs.
I claw into them. It burns. Go deeper.
Can I dissociate again?
I snap out of it as the water begins to cool.
I turn the shower off, and my brain is foggy. I am incapable of fully processing and forming thoughts at the moment, stepping out of the shower, and wrapping a towel around my waist.
The feeling of my wet hair sticking to my back in the moist air is not satisfying. I ignore it, lacking the motivation to fix it. The mirror is fogged. I cannot see myself in it. What a relief.
Ringing fills my ears as I stare at my feet. All of my blood has rushed to them. That was the only thing I noticed until I felt blank.
My numb state was interrupted by a familiar voice.
Satoru.
I can’t make out fully what he was saying. He said something about hurrying up.
Knowing that, I absentmindedly dry myself.
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I am suddenly out of the bathroom, wearing a pair of boxers and one of Satoru’s t-shirts. Did something happen? I just showered, right? My hair is in a braid. I don’t remember braiding it. There is a weight pressing on my shoulder. All I know is that I am currently sitting on my bed beside Satoru. His hand is the weight on my shoulder. He must have braided it then.
It’s okay right now. It’s okay.
“Suguru?” I hear him say, as my eyes follow the voice immediately. “Hey, you alright?”
I take a few seconds to respond, processing the words. “Yeah. I’m gonna go to sleep.”
“Can I stay?” He asks.
I nod. Not enough energy to respond. I can feel my eyes shutting as I fully lie down on the bed. I don’t put the blanket on myself.
Through my eyelids, it’s not completely black. There must be a light on in the room. A few seconds later, it becomes dark. Satoru must have turned off the light.
The last thing I feel before I fall into my slumber for the night is the bed dipping beside me, the blanket being draped over me, the warmth of Satoru leaning over me, and pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.
The last thing I hear before I fall into my slumber for the night is, “I love you.”
I love you too, Satoru, I think, instead of responding.