Chapter Text
Shane Hollander had started losing his trust in the public and their “respect” for most of his life now but this was a new low.
Having just come out of the hospital for a wrist splint that had already derailed his internal timeline and plan was stressful enough but immediately being met outside the ER by almost thirty paparazzi people was borderline abusive to his mental state.
“Do you forgive Rozanov for breaking your wrist?”
“Did Ilya Rozanov do it on purpose?”
“Does this mean you’re off for the rest of the season Shane?”
“Are you expecting an apology from the Ottawa captain?”
“Is there anything you want to say to the Montreal fans?”
Shane just wanted to stop and smack the cameras and microphones away but instead he closed his eyes and waited for his mom to guide him to where his dad was waiting in the car. Yuna was great at pretending that the cameras didn’t exist or that if there were annoying members of the press badgering on for a response her answers always made them aware that she knew they were beneath her. Shane doesn’t think he’s been more envious of his mom. He feels the grounding warmth of her hand wrapping around his good wrist and leads the way to the car cutting through the harassing crowd.
It was mortifying that such a small injury had caused this level of reaction especially as not only was it bothersome for Shane, but also it was getting in the way of genuine health emergencies. Shane shot an apologetic look toward a woman being carted off on a stretcher, howling in pain as she (from what Shane inferred) was giving birth. The suspected partner glared back at Shane and the inconvenience he had caused. He looked back down at his feet, allowing his mom to drag him to the safety of the backseat in the family jeep. After what felt like forever Shane finally came to a realisation that he was sitting in the back with his seatbelt buckled looking blankly at the window.
“Hey” He said.
Yuna twisted round and reached out a hand to touch his knee.
“Hey you, you back?”
“Yeah, sorry. I guess I zoned out for the press and I guess I just zoned out too far… How long have I been gone?”
David looked at him through the rearview mirror.
“Only probably 10-15 minutes?” He glanced at his wife, “right?”
“Yes don’t worry it wasn’t bad like some of your other ones have been.” Yuna patted Shane’s knee before twisting back round.
Shane hummed in response but felt a new fresh wave of embarrassment and guilt beginning to gnaw at his chest.
David again caught Shane’s eyes in the rearview mirror.
“So the doctor said you’ll be off for 4-6 weeks?”
“Yeah, it’s so dumb it doesn’t even hurt that much! Just feels like a sprain!” Shane grumbled out in frustration.
Shane could see Yuna’s eyes widen in the wing mirror.
“Don’t be stupid Shane, the doctors said they might have to pin it or put in a metal plate!”
Internally, Shane flinched at the accusation of being stupid but he swallowed down another lump of embarrassment and returned to looking out of the window.
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket but he didn’t want to deal with the pressure of notifications right now so he ignored it and continued disassociating whilst looking out at the repetitive scenery.
~One Hour Later~
Shane mourned the loss of the gentle rumbling of the engine in his body as David parked the car into the guest parking spot in his apartment complexes parking lot. He sighed and awkwardly reached for the door handle to let himself out. David got his and Yuna’s small duffel bag out of the back along with Shane’s game bag which Hayden had graciously dropped off whilst Shane was getting his temporary cast put on. The elevator ride was stuffy with too many emotions that Shane didn’t have the energy to decipher through but two were glaringly obvious, especially as his mom had never felt the need to manage them when it was just them. Yuna was livid. Yuna was disappointed. Both made Shane want to crawl into a tight and heavy hole that would squeeze all the feeling out of him. David was fidgeting with a loose thread in one of the bag handles and giving small reassuring smiles to Shane. It didn’t help but Shane appreciated the thought.
The elevator pinged and suddenly they were at Shane’s front door with David trying to fish the keys out of the bottom of his bag. Once the door was unlocked Yuna opened the door straight away without waiting for Shane or David to enter first. Shane swallowed another lump of nerves. He didn’t want to have another conversation about how he messed up. He just wanted to take his suffocating outside clothes off and crawl into the comfort of his bed sheets.
“I know we have to have a conversation mom, but can have it later? I just need…”
“-Brain-off-time?” David finished.
“Yes, that.”
Yuna sighed a deep sigh that Shane could swear he felt the vibrations rattling through his bones.
“Yes I suppose we can talk later, but Shane, whatever happened on that ice today. It wasn’t you. I don’t know what’s going on but I need you to either tell us, a therapist or just get over it in whatever healthy way you think is best because Shane, my love, that performance today can never happen again. Do you understand?”
Shane felt impossibly small suddenly. His heart began to race, ribcage feeling like it was slowly contracting crushing his lungs. He swallowed again. Just wait it out. All of a sudden he was back at his parent’s cottage in Ottawa and Yuna was explaining to Shane why she was upset at Shane for repeatedly ignoring her instructions to not play with the cardboard tube that came at the end of wrapping paper and he had accidentally swung and knocked one or two tree ornaments, smashing them against the hearth. He hadn’t meant to ignore her, in fact he had been so absorbed in his wind summoning stick that he hadn’t even heard the shattering of intricate vintage ornaments, hadn’t registered that anything had happened until a vicious looking shard had decided to lodge itself into the sole of his bare foot. Shane hadn’t cried or even acknowledged the shards of glass that had pierced his feet, too embarrassed after the scolding he had received for breaking the ornaments; his parents only found out two days later when his coach had told them that he wasn’t skating as hard as he usually did and he thought it might’ve been something to do with an injury. The silent treatment that had come after felt worse than the pain of getting them removed at hospital. Yuna had assumed that Shane hadn’t told her as a way to punish her and make her feel like a bad mom and it took David another two days for Yuna to accept that their son was not vindictive and was probably just trying to tough it out to show his maturity or something like every other boy his age. Shane had sworn never to disappoint his mom like that again, shame burning into his stomach.
Shane nodded curtly and practically ran up to his room, collapsing on the floor once he had gently closed and locked his bedroom door. The world was still busy and everything was too much so he grabbed his AirPods and put them on before putting his noise-cancelling headphones on top until everything slowed down. This was Shane’s pace, noise muted to muttered sound, a dim lamp by his bed illuminating his room in an orange that reminded him of mornings by the lake, the temperature in his room a nice cool 11 degrees celsius with his weighted blanket tempting him spread out on his bed. Before any of his comforts could be enjoyed, Shane had to get rid of his outside clothes. Now. He sprang into action stripping off his jacket and sweater before hobbling out of his pants only able to use one hand to try and fish himself out of the offensive piece of clothing. He couldn’t just stop there though, just because he had gotten rid of the outside on his clothes, didn’t mean he had gotten rid of the outside on him. The last thing he had the energy for was a shower but the thought of putting his inside clothes on top of his outside-ness made his skin crawl and a dramatic shiver run through him. He could be quick, he hadn’t really ever before other than that time but he needed to be quick before his battery completely gave up on him. Thankfully he had an en-suite and he didn’t need to worry about bumping into his parents or cautiously wrapping a towel (which was inside) around himself (which was ruined with outside) so he turned the shower on setting the temperature to a scalding heat. He needed to burn the outside off, the camera flashes, the spongey microphones, the hospital smell, the stretcher, all the different hands touching him, checking he was ok, the x-ray but most importantly he needed to burn off Ilya’s sweat.
Shane stepped into the shower embracing the pummel of boiling water against his aching body. His mind drifted back to Ilya. He hadn’t meant what he had said to Shane. That was probably the rational way of thinking about their ‘fight.’ He hadn’t meant to shatter Shane’s left ulna bone into three pieces. Right? Panic joined the burning water from the shower head, soaking through Shanes pores and consuming his body. The shower that had been a chore already to begin with was now impossibly overwhelming and Shane could feel his heart begin to splinter under pressure, his lungs begin to flood with steam replacing the air he had suddenly realised he was in desperate need of. He finished his shower routine as quickly as he could fathom under his growing limitation to move, skin scrubbed raw and eyes burning with unshed tears. Drying himself as much as he could find the energy for, Shane jumped and hopped into a pair of sweatpants and a loose cotton t-shirt that had been freshly washed this morning. Shane crawled into his bed, under his weighted blanket and reached for his migraine cap and AirPods. Ilya frequently poked fun at the fact that Shane had maybe 6 different types of headphones and EarPods and yet he didn’t listen to music, Shane hated when he brought it up in front of other people though, it had been another point of conflict between him and Ilya as it just fuelled the reputation the world had picked out for Shane that he was odd with some even labelling him as the dangerously weird type of person, that he reminded them of the people that serial killers were before they became serial killers. He hid underneath the bed covers, wishing the negative thoughts about his boyfriend away. It was just a fight. Couples had fights. It was normal. Ilya was normal. He just needed to finally believe that Shane was just as normal too.