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Rookie Days
"You know what the freakiest part of the First Order was?" Finn started, tilting back the drink Poe had gotten him. It was mildly alcoholic. Poe and the rest of the pilots, on nights off, usually gathered in the bunks with mild drinks to tell stories and have good natured fun, getting slightly buzzed to loosen the tongue. Finn, despite not even knowing what drinking alcohol was, could hold his own with liquor, and rather than being loosened up by the substance, he was loosened up when everyone around him was slightly intoxicated.
Snap shrugged, "What? Brainwashing?"
Finn laughed. "Nope! General Hux."
"Eh, Starkiller? Yeah, he's a nerve burner all right." Jessika downed the last of her drink. Poe handed her another one, "Give us the juicy details."
"They sure are something, let me tell you. Well, I kind of have to build up to it. There's a lot about Hux that's freaky, like layers."
"Ooh, Hux has layers?"
"Well, for starters, he's a nonhuman. Hybrid, actually."
"Nothing wrong with that," Poe pointed out.
Finn nodded. "No, I know. That's just the base layer, so you don't say 'that's impossible, Finn, human males can't do that' to me."
"Aaaand now I don't like where this is going." Poe cracked open his second drink of the night. "Are we going to hear about his sex life?"
Finn hesitated. Jessika choked on her drink. "No pfassking way! No way!" She shrieked as soon as she managed to cough up the wayward liquid. "How do you know about Hux's sex life?! What the kriff, Finn!"
He shrugged, "It's common knowledge, really. Everyone in the First Order knows he and Ren are in a very sexual relationship."
"Oh my pfassking gods!"
"With Ren?"
"Shut up!"
"I bet they had victory sex as soon as they reunited after Starkiller." Snap chuckled.
"Gross!"
"Two murderers, getting in on. I bet they make out after Ren interrogates anyone. Poe, you were foreplay."
"Oh, shut up, dude." BB-8 chirped in amusement next to Poe's feet.
"I'm telling you, Hux was probably standing out there with his hand on his cock, waiting for his murder husband to come out and grind on him after torturing you."
"...He was standing outside the door."
"Hux stands outside of all Ren's interrogations," Finn confirmed. "And they are married."
"No way! How do you know this?!"
"One of my squadron asked the Captain what was going on and she said to us, 'the General and Kylo Ren are married and despise each other, don't mention it again'. I'm pretty sure she's caught them in intimate positions."
"How do you marry someone you hate?" Poe asked. "That's just wrong. Alright, Finn, keep going. You've got us hooked."
"They've got a kid."
"For real?!" Poe stared at him, wide-eyed. "How-"
"I told you, Hux is part alien. It was a few years ago, Ren knocked him up and I guess the Supreme Leader was fine with it, because Hux was walking around with a too tight uniform and a dark sider hovering by his shoulder for nine months."
"You were on the Finalizer for this?"
"Yup. I never actually saw him in person, but I heard everyone talking about it, and he does speeches every single day, so you could see how the thing was growing. And then came the fateful day where the thing was born. And I had to be in the same room."
"Finn, oh my gods! What-"
"Guard duty in the medbay. Ren suddenly burst in demanding a doctor while supporting Hux who looked like he was about to throw up. A bunch of medics helped Hux onto a bed and slipped a curtain around them. I spent the next two hours listening to Hux make all sorts of horrible groans and screams while medical droids kept telling him over and over to push. He was screaming swears I didn't even know existed, and kept threatening bodily harm to Ren. I tuned most of the words out."
"Give us some examples! Come on, you've got to remember some!"
"Want me to do an imitation of Hux's accent?"
"Holy kriff, yes!"
"I know his voice better than my own. Uhh, let's see. 'If you ever try to put your cock near me again I'll rip you to bloody shreds, burn them, and jettison your smoldering parts out of an airlock after this!' was one of the minor threats, I think."
"Finn that was spot on." Poe was impressed. Jessika set down her drink so she could clap enthusiastically, and Snap and the others joined in.
"I think my brain burned the rest of the threats because it was traumatizing to listen to."
"It sounds traumatizing! What did the lucky little murder baby look like? Was it a redhead?"
"Kylo Ren has black hair, it wouldn't be a redhead."
"Oh, so it had black hair?"
"No, it didn't have any hair." Finn took a sip of his drink, vividly recalling what the child looked like. "It uh... wasn't human."
"What do you mean?"
"It had tentacles."
"No!"
"It made a lot of horrifying death noises. Looked a bit like a rathar, actually. Had one eye, weird bumps, little spikes, lots of tentacles."
"Hux gave birth to a tentacle monster!"
"It was even force sensitive. Only way Ren knew he was the father, and not like, a rathar or something. It terrorized the whole crew as it got older."
"What'd they name it?"
"Uh... Sullivan. Originally the thing was fine, only the bridge crew had to deal with it, since Hux carried it around all day in a blanket or something, so he could keep close watch over it and feed it every few hours. Then it got bigger, and smarter, so Hux would put it down while he was on bridge, so he could work easier and still y'know, look up and see that Sullivan was forcing some Petty Officer out of their seat so it could take a nap or try to eat the control panel when it was teething. He'd pick it back up whenever it was asleep, but... It made some Petty Officers cry, and hurt them sometimes. Broke some wrists."
"Aw, I feel bad for them."
"What'd Ren do?"
"I think he tried to train it to use its force powers. It started flinging things at people with expert precision after it turned 3. Then it would go back and forth with Hux on Starkiller base, but I think for the big day he kept it with Ren on the Finalizer, and then some poor Lieutenant was probably stuck babysitting it."
"So on the Finalizer there's a giant, General Hux-Kylo Ren tentacle hybrid?"
"Yeah."
"That's kriffin' insane, Finn! Oh my gods!"