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“Mom mom mom look!”
Maya looks up just in time to see Kai running down the lawn to her, his hands cupped around each other. “I found a ladybug!” He opens up his fist to show her the little red and black bug comfortably nestled there.
“Aww, that's so cool honey.”
“I want Nya to hold it.”
“Oh no.” She shifts the bundle that is her 2 month old daughter to her left arm. “Nya cannot hold ladybugs. She’s too little.”
He scrambles up onto the swing next to her. “But she wants to see! Tell her to open her eyes!”
Maya smiles at him, running a hand through his hair, even as he stubbornly swats her away. “Honey, she's sleeping. She’ll open her eyes later.”
“Oh, there you are.” Maya looks up just as the back door closes and Ray steps out. “I was wondering where you went.”
Maya smiles up at him. “Attemping to tame your son’s limitless energy.” She helps Kai get down from the swing back onto the ground with one hand. “Go put the ladybug down. You don't want to crush it.” He runs off and she turns back to Ray as he sits down next to her. “I thought it would be best he burned some of it off before the war that is bedtime.”
Ray raises an eyebrow at her. “I wonder where he got all of that from.”
She swats his arm as he gives her that sheepish half smile she still always melts over. “Such a mystery.”
He strokes his finger down Nya’s cheek. “And what about this one?”
“If her lungs are anything to go by she's gonna be a tough one.”
“Just like her dad.” - “Just like her mom.”
They both laugh. He tucks a strand of hair that fell out of her ponytail behind her ear, leans in and lightly kisses her.
“Eww. Stop.”
Maya laughs again as Kai wriggles in between them and nudges Ray away. “Look Mommy, I found another ladybug! Now I have two.”
She gives Ray a half-apologetic, half teasing look. “Oh my goodness, two ladybugs!”
“See one is me and one is Nya.”
“That’s so sweet honey.”
He nods and scrambles back down. “I’m gonna go find another one. So you can be one too!”
“Hey, what about me?” Ray reaches for him but he squirms away, laughing. “How come I don’t get a ladybug!”
“Cuz you were kissing Mommy.” They can’t help but laugh at the disgruntled look on his face. “Disgusting.”
He looks between the two of them and smirks, clearly happy he was able to get that reaction. “Bet you can't catch me Daddy!”
Maya raises her eyebrows at Ray. “What did I tell you? Limitless energy.”
He laughs and gets up to chase their son, dropping another kiss at her temple before he goes.
Maya watches them with a smile, looking down when Nya squirms in her arms a moment later.
“Hi baby girl.” She moves the blanket away from her face as she opens her eyes, making a soft sound. “You had a nice nap, huh? Your brother brought you a ladybug.”
She blinks at her, slowly, in that way newborns do when they're processing, and Maya smiles, her heart overflowing. She felt so grateful. After everything her and Ray had been through, they got to have their little family. Watch their kids explore the world and beyond. “Before I know it you’re going to be a wild thing just like him.”
…
“Maya.”
The memory fades out of her eyes like dying sunlight, the sound of her name being called breaking her out of her reverie.
Misako sits down a few feet away from her.
Maya ignores her, turning her head in the other direction so she wouldn’t see the tears forming in her eyes. She didn’t think anybody would have found her on the Monastery steps, preferring to stay inside as it got dark out, but she supposes she didn’t account for everyone.
She can feel Misakso looking at the side of her face. “Kai was looking for you.”
“No he wasn't.” She laughs, a bitter dying sound, and runs her hands over her propped-up knees. “He was with Edna last I checked.”
“Yes. They're all with her. In the living room.” She pauses and Maya knows she has more to say. “He was crying Maya. He needs his mom.”
Maya waves her hand in the air. “Give me a break. He doesn’t need me.”
Misako just sighs.
Neither woman says anything for a long moment, watching the clouds floating by in the darkening sky. The view is nice, Maya thinks. Peaceful.
“I’ve made lots of mistakes as a mother.” Misako sounds thoughtful when she breaks the silence and Maya wishes she wouldn’t start a conversation. “I never thought I was very motherly. And Lloyd he,” she sighs again, “I love him, I do, but he wasn't planned. If I could go back I - I would do so many things differently.”
Maya turns her body toward hers, giving into the fact that she's going to talk. “I know we didn't talk much, back then. You were much more private than the rest of us.”
“I was.”
“You seemed so in love with him.” It is an open question and a statement all at once and Maya waits.
“I was.” There is a hint of a smile on Misako’s lips, like she’s remembering simpler times, but it leaves as quickly as it comes. “I was also confused. Lonely.”
“Why didn't we talk more anyway?”
“You were always with Lilly and Libber and you three seemed like a group.” Miskao shrugs. “I don’t know. I was already shy and maybe I let my insecurities get to me but I didn't know how to integrate into the dynamic.”
“I miss Lilly and Libber.” She surprises herself by the suddenness, by how much she means that, how much she truly does miss them.
She can feel Misako looking at her again. “I can't even imagine how much you miss them.”
“We were a team, you know? Sure Ray was there and Wu and the others but the three of us were more than that. We were girls together. Friends.” Her voice breaks, and she ducks her head, embarrassed by this emotion. This is why she doesn’t let herself think of them too much. “A lot like how these boys are together.”
“I didn’t talk much to her either, but I remember how scary it was when Libber disappeared. Wu panicked.”
”It was scary.” Maya dabbed at her eyes with her knuckle. Memories start popping up in the corners of her brain like stars poking through a cloudy night sky. “Libber disappearing was really hard on Lilly. We thought someone was maybe targeting elemental masters so we had a huge fight about how to keep Cole and Kai safe. And I had just gotten pregnant with Nya and Libber’s baby was gone too and Lilly had just had another miscarriage. And there I was pregnant back to back!” She laughs, but it shrivels and dies into a sob. “No wonder she was so mad at me.”
“She probably wasn’t mad at you at all. The situation was -”
“We fought.” Maya keeps going. It's like these words have been sitting in a box on her chest for years and now that they’re finally breaking loose she can’t stop them. “And then Ray and I took Kai and left to Ignacia.”
“Oh Maya.”
“When we got abducted, for a split second I thought maybe Krux and Acronix were the ones who took Libber too. And the baby. J– Jay. I thought maybe going would be worth it, that maybe I could find her and bring her back, fix things with Lilly and and I -” pressure builds on her chest, pain and memory and hope and tragedy stacking on top of each other like building blocks, “I left my kids for so many years!”
It comes out as something close to a heartbroken wail. She was heartbroken.
She thinks maybe her heart had been hanging on by a thread for a long time and now it was finally fully broken.
“I know. It wasn’t your fault.”
She pays no attention to Misako scooting closer to her and keeps going. “If I had known Lilly’s cancer was going to come back, if I had known that my kids were going to grow up to not need me, I would have fought harder to get out. I didn’t expect,” the tears flow openly down her cheeks, “I didn’t expect her to be dead! I didn’t expect them to not love me!”
She doesn't even know what she’s saying anymore. The grief is crushing and pounding into her body.
“They do love you Maya. They love you so much they don’t know how to balance how sad they are that you weren’t there.”
She shakes her head. How many years has it been since she’s let herself fall apart like this? And now here it is, all breaking out of her, waves of longing flowing and ebbing against her ribcage.
“My daughter is in the ocean. She is the ocean. Why wasn't it me? Why couldn't I have taken her place?”
“I don't know.”
“She is so much stronger and braver and better than me. I wish I got to be a part of her life.”
“I know.” Misako comes even closer now, pulling her fully into her arms, and squeezes so tightly that Maya can feel the compressed vibrations of her own racking sobs in between them. “I am so, so sorry Maya.”
They stay like that for a moment, before Maya pulls away, trying to breath and calm down.
“If anyone is the horrible mother it's me.”
Maya scoffs and wipes at her eyes. She almost moves her hand to sweep away the moisture all at once and then stops herself, breath catching. It's been a long time since she's forgotten and tried to do that.
“No you’re not.”
“Yes I am! Because here you are crying about not being able to be part of your kids' lives because you were in literal life-or-death imprisonment, while I threw away my chance all on my own!”
“Misako -”
“No.” She put her hands up to stop her talking. “It's true. I did. And I know it. And I know I can't change it now. I love Lloyd but -”
“But you didn't want to have a baby with Garmadon.” Maya finishes the thought for her, then reaches out a hand.
Misako takes it, sniffling and giving her a small smile when she squeezes. “I didn't want to have a baby with a man who wasn't going to be there for us.” It's her turn for her breath to catch. “He loved Lloyd so much. For that first year, Lloyd was his world. And then he became who he became, for reasons that I know weren’t entirely his fault, but I just panicked. I got so angry, and then bitter, and then desperate. So I left my son in a -” She swallows hard and looks down at her lap in shame, her voice tapering out. “It’s so hard to look at him now. He looks so much like Garmadon and Wu when they were younger. How am I supposed to look at his face?”
Maya waits a moment for her to collect herself. “That is so unfair to Lloyd.”
“I know it is.”
They both fall into silence but it is calmer somehow than it was before. At least Maya feels calmer inside. Nothing is fixed, her daughter is still the ocean, her old best friends are still dead, and the woman next to her still left her son as a child, but at least they are honest about how messed up it all is.
Maya giggles.
Misako looks at her, amused.
It just makes her laugh harder. “Our lives are crazy. Absolutely crazy. And we dragged our kids into this crazy mess. Imagine if Libber and Lilly were here right now! We’d all have a laugh about how crazy everyone's life is.”
Misako smiles. “I suppose we would.”
Maya smiles back.
The air is a little chillier, pink and orange light trailing off into silver. Maya smiles at the sun one last time, gathering courage in her bones, before standing up.
“Lets go back inside. I want to find Kai.”