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Beginnings always have an end.
This is the thought that circled inside Lan WangJi’s mind as he struggled through the clamor of bodies, a roar of voices at all sides screaming ends rising and falling across the vast stretch of the field. Groaning and growling corpses clawing through the ranks, some shrieking into the chaos, the scent of decay layering over the hot bright smell of blood staining the ground.
It was all too much, the noise, the smell, the press of bodies surging together in horrifying ways, and all he could think was ‘Beginnings always have an end’, over and over it pressed even as he closed his eyes trying to center himself to go forwards. Stamped red against his eyelids with every beat of his heart, clawing at the organ that struggled forwards even as it felt like it was close to shattering.
His body felt leaden as he struggled forwards, Bichen always ready to defend, slicing at those in his way as he made his way towards his goal, which in the blur of human bodies, both living and reanimated, looked like a crumpled heap of cloth, ragged and torn.
Like a discarded doll, limbs strewn carelessly among the blood and mud, Wei Ying laid, dark robes stained brown with smears of unthinkable things and pallid skin shining starkly in the low light. Alarming in how it contrasted to the dark fall of haggard hair that twisted together in a knot, skin that looked so thin that a touch would tear it.
He knew, even as he shoved his way through, body battered and energy running low, that now he was moving towards his end, that he would hear the last words of the one who shared the other half and there would be no more words between them.
It didn’t matter, it wouldn’t matter, Lan WangJi told himself, that if his last desperate words were not the ones on the others wrist, even as he all but collapsed into the mud to gather the other tenderly, his body stiffly moving.
It didn’t matter at all if fate had been wrong and he had given his heart to another, that the plan laid out for him had been something of a mistake. It didn’t matter because he knew that it would only ever be Wei Ying that caused his heart to beat in rhythm.
It had all be leading to this moment, everything from childhood thoughts to the moments as a young adult as he struggled within himself with the feelings that boiled and seethed inside his chest trying to burst free. Thoughts swirled as he pulled Wei Ying into his arms, not caring about the mess it left on his snow white robes and rose into the air.
As he rose, and then flew with every ounce of power that sluggishly ran through his meridians Lan WangJi held the other close. Memories he thought that he had long pushed away and to the back of his mind seeping forwards as he pushed himself further and further.
Fate had a plan for everyone, at a certain point you would receive the end of that plan, and know for sure that it had come to pass. Something to bring closure to a chapter of ones life, a knowing that could never be taken away from one's self.
The last words, said by the one who held the other half of your soul forever etched into your skin, usually whispers of love, of comfort or of being there. It could be a passing comment, a missed moment or something overlooked.
Lan WangJi had not been nearly as lucky as most when it came to this, something that had at first burned and burned at himself before it became a numb thing that was naught but ignored.
Two words, it was just two words that held sway over the tides of his heart, a roaring screaming thing that thrashed like a wounded animal in the cavity of his chest. It was two words that stat starkly on his pale skin, unwinding themselves almost delicately on the thin transparent skin of his wrist. The blue green veins like the winding rivers leading from the ocean, that rolled as if a storm was overhead, sat in contrast to the dark ink like words.
There was power in knowledge, whether it be good or ill. Knowledge could influence ones actions, ones decisions, and paths. Some things could never be known until the moment had passed, just a sudden branching in the road one tread.
Knowing could bring peace, it was like the final stroke on a paper stark and unmovable, sometimes bold and sometimes it was the tiniest of marks that brought everything together. Something that everyone shared, and not everyone's held a comfort to them.
This is what Lan WangJi had told himself, his right hands thumb brushing over the letter strokes on his wrist, light colored eyes roaming over every twist and turn. He had watched as they began to form, first a light almost white gray that slowly darkened as the sun rose in the sky, gongs distantly being rung.
The passage of time not minding that it had felt like the bottom of the world had dropped out from under him, leaving him adrift and lost. That it felt like everything he had been promised had been thrown into the dirt and stepped upon, discarded and disgraced.
He remembered how his brother had come in that morning, a bright smile already on his face as he carried a covered tray inside, he remembered how he had curled his other hand over the mark covering it from searching eyes. Hiding for what felt like the first time ever from the person whom he was closest to, keeping this tiny part to himself like it was a shameful secret not to be shared.
Breaking their fast together in the quiet that had never before felt so heavy, and the curling loss of face that he was keeping tucked away under long flowing sleeves even as Lan WangJi slowly but surely at his meal.
The lonely feeling that welled up slowly as he curled further away, knowing that there were words of care, of devotion lovingly taking its place on Lan XiChen’s wrist, words that had been shown to him what felt like eons ago as his brother promised his own would soon come.
He tried to not let bitterness sit upon his tongue, coating everything inside himself dark with envy he had never felt between them before.
It had been two words, that strengthened his resolve to keep walls between himself and others, building a defense around himself as high and tight as he could, anything to keep away the hurt that Lan WangJi now knew awaited him.
A reminder, covered in finger less gloves trailing high into his sleeves, a constant bruised thing that ached in time with his heartbeat. Resolve to be above the distractions that could come before him, something that he watched others endlessly chase, like a careless child going after a butterfly in the summer.
This same resolve that slowly crumbled under moon bright eyes and teasing laughs, walls that trembled as messy hair swished too and fro in a messy ponytail, a blood red ribbon holding it together by what seemed sheer force of will.
Swift footwork with fluid swordsman ship, fluttering deep purple robes with hits of deep blues like the rivers of Wei Ying’s home. The careless laughter and joy in a fight had sparked something Lan WangJi struggled to name inside himself even as the satisfaction of finally having someone who made him work for a victory.
He remembered the what felt like fury that boiled inside, at himself, at the situations he kept finding himself in, and the ravenous monster that hid inside lurking like a wounded beast waiting for its chance. Pacing in circles as brightness seeped like pigments swirling in water, colors blooming into a garden he unknowingly tended to. Boiling higher and higher with each interaction, sometimes even boiling over with range and unfulfilled want
He remembered how he kept trying to pull away, not letting himself get sucked in, trying to keep himself distant and not letting him self acknowledge the feelings stirring inside himself.
Wei WuXian had crashed into his life like an unending tsunami , a riot of chaos and colors, a mind that was ever spinning and never still. Brilliance that shone like a gem Lan WangJi had never seen before with a gleam that radiated.
Words had come out in a rush, a last ditch attempt to keep himself distant, it had felt like excising a poison when he shouted at Wei Ying, the horrific rush of feelings that rose as he yelled his own words at the cackling teen. Silver eyes curled in a smile even as the other danced away, movement smooth and trained even as the other tried to act like he was anything but.
There had been a flash of heat followed by bone chilling cold, glaciers that ran through I’m as he tried to push back the hope that the other had the same words reflected, that Wei Ying has also known the burning pain of what had to only be rejection.
He hopped that Wei Ying didn’t have the same words, that there would be more time for them to interact, that there would be more time for him to figure out the waterfall of feelings churning inside him.
It was almost like a torment, that he had to keep watching Wei Ying as he played around not taking anything seriously. Watching the other as he kneeled once again trouble, knowing that this might actually be the last time he saw the other for a long time and knowing that Wei Ying wasn’t even repentant.
He didn’t watch as the other left the Cloud Recesses, and told himself that everything would go back to normal, that peace would once again come back to his home.
That peace was what he was wanting and that he had missed the quiet stillness of his home, and the silent majesty of the mountains around them standing tall. He missed the way he didn’t hear the tail end of a teasing laugh, or something playfully whispered loud enough for every around to hear.
Lan WangJi had told himself that he hadn’t become like the others, he wasn’t chasing and carelessly grasping after something wild and free. He was more like a moth flying up and up into the sun letting it burn away his wings into charred broken things even as the light moved farther and farther away, always circling in before flitting away to warm others instead.
A light so bright and free, that it warmed everything, a welcoming, sometimes cocky grin that spread under twinkling eyes. Teasing laughter and words that taunted with frivolousness, swirling purple robes and quicksilver wit. It was this that made Lan WangJi think that surely even though his traitorous heart beat like a herd of horses at full gallop that there was no way Wei Ying was the one to tell him his two words.
The song what slowly made its way through his finger tips, opening like a flower in the sun, every note building on the one before to form something shinning and new. A wordless longing that reached out from the crumbling walls grasping endlessly for something that Lan WangJi knew could never be his.
Lyrics that slowly formed on parchment, hidden carefully under his floorboards with the rest of his fragile treasures. Maybe it would also stay hidden away from prying eyes never to see the light of the day again.
Fate had to have made a mistake, because for all that Wei Ying could be sharp, his words biting deep like his sword, there was no way he would break Lan WangJi in such a way. Never shatter the revitalized heart, into shards like a carelessly thrown vase.
The feelings that had risen inside himself as he watched that tanned hand grasp his sacred headband, seeing the way it contrasted against the stark white and cool blues. The heedy rush of possessiveness and rage that curled low in his gut even as he stalked away.
He had to leave before he did something that shamed his Sect, or was something that could never be taken back, no matter how much he wished to do so. Warmth flushing through his veins burning hotter and hotter even as he walked away from the situation.
Walking away had been a trail…it had been a relief, even as he sat in his borrowed room. The days evens weighing heavily on him as Lan WangJI tried to meditate and calm himself.
When the fires of war crept ever closer, drums that thundered louder and louder, the burning of his home, the sharp pain in his leg as he walked that cut like blades. The desperate distance that he tried to keep even as they went further and further into darkness.
The way he had crumpled in the cave, holding Wei Ying close knowing, hoping, they would get out of this situation.
The garbled “What was it called again?,” had kept him from feeling hopeless, knowing that help would come, even as he edged closer and closer to the other who was splayed out on the ground, face flushed with fever and eyes hazy. Words that had once brought pain now sitting as a tiny beacon that shone with the hope that there would be more time.
Walking home had been a pilgrimage away from where he wanted to stay, grime and muck still clinging to his skin and clothing. Every step away had felt like a tug that pulled and pulled.
How fear had wrestled its way into his mind as he tried to focus on helping repair his home, sorting through ash and rubble, when word of the fall of Yunmeng Jiang reached the mountains in hushed whispers.
Stories of how everything had been decimated, the people killed and ground into the mud, thrown into the lakes and rivers. Little whisps of purple catching the side of his view that lead to him desperately looking for the source and refusing to let the disappointment show on his face every time.
Bile rising in his throat that he tried to swallow down, and continue looking forwards, to keep working and trust that Wei Ying was fine….would be fine. There was more time there had to be more time.
Wei Ying would be fine, he had whispered to himself at night as they made their way into the Qinghe, battered but whole as the gathered troops moved as one.
He remembered the rage that had almost boiled over when he spotted the haggard but whole Jiang Wayin, the brash way he had made his way into the battlement with a glaring missing peace off to his side.
Brash words that gave way to tiny hints of worry and then months of silence as the two of them worked together to find the same person for what seemed different reasons. Almost as if Jiang Wayin said anything kind or nice about his missing da shixiong that it would make his missing all the more glaring and real.
Half hearted insults said to a low fire, with knuckles almost bone white as they held onto slightly worn robes. Insults that had always been met with silence because Lan WangJi couldn’t bring himself to say anything back least he gave away too much even while giving away too little at the same time.
The first jolt of fear, something low and curling deep in his stomach when he first spotted the darkly clad Wei Ying, a fear that soured the singing joy inside himself as he watched the others advance.
The horrid ghoul by his side, tiny and bloated, and the phantasmal woman who swirled in red robes, two horrific beings right where Lan WangJi wished to be.
Wei Ying in all his dark glory, skin pale and thin surrounded by dark fabric that clung to an almost too sharp form, whip thin and brittle looking. Resentment twirling through elegant fingers reflecting in hallow silver eyes.
Fear that continued to build, each and every time he tried and tried to reach out, offering his hand and his heart in the same motion even of Wei Ying didn’t know, fear that twisted into anger and caused harsher and harsher words from the once bright light of his life.
He was losing Wei Ying, the world was losing something that had shone as bright as the sun and spread his warmth much the same, it was being replaced with something cold and sharp, something that cut and cut barring his teeth like a wounded animal backed into a corner.
Those black robes stood out like an ink blot on parchment, jarringly stark and it just served to remind him that for ever step closer he tried to take, that Wei Ying would take five back, building his own wall to hide behind. Walls like the ones he had once himself had but had crumbled under the force of Wei Ying’s never ending fervor to get closer.
Oh how he regretted those moments when he pulled away, he regretted every time he try to keep a distance between them. What had seemed like just a road between them was turning into a gulf that could not be crossed that widened every time they talked.
Even as they stood back to back, fighting together and moving almost as one unit there was distance, and when the war ended it seemed like Wei Ying took the time to pull even further away. Still teasing still just as charming but with a hidden sword edge to his words. Moon bright eyes now the color of steel, the light he used to shine no longer reaching his eyes, nor the smile that used to dance on that expressive face.
Lan WangJi regretted that he had never learned to voice his thoughts, to give them a chance to escape the confines of his mind in a way that others could understand. He regretted that he couldn’t talk to Wei Ying in a way that the other knew it wasn’t condemnation but worry.
Everytime they talked it seemed like all they did was fight, but the fight was for different reasons on each side. Almost as if words could not cross the divide growing between then like a gapping maw devouring everything and leaving nothing.
The gathering at Phoenix Mountain had been a strain on his self control, something that he had never had to worry about before. Watching as Wei Ying laid comfortably on the tree branch dappled light shinning through the treetops, falling on pale skin wrapped in dark robes.
It had been so easy to take advantage of the coy smile, to taste what it felt like with his own lips, to feel that taunt body tense then relax in his hold. It had been so easy to steal the air out of Wei Ying’s lungs, taking and taking with little restraint.
Lips slick with hands straining to come free, the wiggle of a lean form that almost melted into him near the end of the stolen kiss. Tiny gasps and sounds that burned brighter than any flame he had ever seen fanning the flames higher and higher .
Even with the taste heavy on his tongue, Lan WangJi wanted more and more. There would never be enough and he was just a greedy greedy thing that would keep on taking, even as Wei Ying grumbled in the quiet between them.
It had also been easy to be angry at himself, to feel the shame crawling up his back as what he had done dawned upon him. The once sweet taste upon his own lips turning bitter in an instant, heat flashing to overwhelming cold.
Worry that curdled beside that guilt, even as he watched the ghostly maidens titter around Wei Ying. Slim pale fingers still teasing him with flowers even as he stared forwards trying to not rise above where he was allowed. To not say more to Wei Ying then could be accounted for as friendship even if it seemed like the other was teasing him with it being there and then gone.
Opening up to his brother, and broaching the topic of maybe taking Wei Ying back, hiding him somewhere safe to let him heal in peace and maybe lose some of the darkness swirling around him.
Watching Wei Ying all but storm in, his robes twirling around his feet with darkness hinted with red, head held high and eyes full of blades.
”I drank for him. You satisfied yet?” The possessiveness ran molten in his core as he watched those same lips he had stolen from took his cup and drank his drink smoothly, heat that didn’t cool even as the other made demands, voice hard and eyes unflinching.
He watched lips turned down into a sneer, even as Wei Ying stood in front of him, blocking Lan WangJi from sight, anger all but palpable in the air.
If he had known, that after that moment, where he watched entrappetured by Wei Ying, that the other would ride into the night and away from everyone and everything he said he held dear. That he would once again try to do the right thing but everyone saw it as the wrong thing, Lan WangJi would have given into the urge he had to grab the other by his wrist and hold him there and not let him leave.
It had been hard, to hear how others talked, harsh whispers heard even as he walked about his home, the stately mountains and peaceful atmosphere doing nothing to cover the words pouring out of their mouths. Vitriol and poison where once had been awed praise hinted with fear.
Being a senior disciple had given Lan WangJi the ability to chose his own hunts, allowed him to go off alone and not have someone following him, and it had taken long weeks for him to find one that gave him the excuse to go to Yiling.
The clamor of the villagers, tired and warn but still holding on to joy in small moments swept past him like a stream diverting from a dam. Everything a mix of too much and yet too little, in a way that threaten to overwhelm him
He remembered the way that fear had come swiftly when A-Yuan had started crying, and he remembered the way his heart had skipped a beat when he saw Wei Ying with a bright smile on his face.
Sure, it was wane, tired looking and leaning towards guant, his cheekbones sharp on his pale face, but it was the most beautiful thing Lan WangJi had seen in a long time.
The playful scolding he got even as he was led towards a restaurant had helped fill the hollow place in his chest, watching silver eyes sparking with life once more. Watching Wei Ying with a child hefted onto his hip, even as he teased the child, eyes unable to move away as they ate.
His heart beat a new stucco pattern in his chest, one that was a new kind of longing and want as he watched the two eat. Wei Ying was cheerful, even as he looked so much less than he used to be, worn in new ways, and little A-Yuan being there with them made dreams he had shoved to the back of his mind flare to life again.
Time was both crawling by syrupy slow, sweetened by the occasional laugh from Wei Ying who watched bright eyed as the child played, and far too fast, the sudden jolt from the activated talisman. What followed was too much, seeing the worn people living in tiny ramshackle huts, knowing that this is where Wei Ying was staying because he chose to.
There would be no more asking him to come back to Gusu, Lan WangJi remembered thinking even as he helped clean up from Wen Ning’s mess from his awakening. Wei Ying would never leave these people to fend for themselves and even if he asked and asked, with words that made his worry clear and his wish to see the other well, it would not happen.
If he had known that this would be the last peaceful moment between the two of them, he would have tried harder to stay. He would have thought of different ways he could have helped here in the Burial Mounds and pushed the day that they never saw another again further and further away.
As it was, he had taken his punishment with grace, even as his chest burned with injustice. His uncle, face red with anger and disappointment even as he sat quietly accepting his punishment after he said his piece, hurled rules at him.
Rules that Lan WangJi quietly noted down, and the ones that Lan Qiren himself was breaking even as he continued on and on breaking with vitriol. Rancor evident with every passing moment, spouted with words of prejudice as if they were said enough times it would change Lan WangJi’s mind.
Wei Ying’s spiral downwards had come, swiftly like the waters he used to emulate while fighting. The spiral that led all to this moment, where Lan WangJi’s clutched the other cultivator closer as he flew, sword steady even as his energy flagged.
There was the urge to whisper, “See, demonic cultivation has never been with out a price, it harms the body and soul,” was swirling in his chest, even knowing that if he said it to the other it wouldn’t matter. His bed had been made, and even with him taking Wei Ying away from the epicenter of the fighting he knew it was not for long.
If he could offer the other peace, if only for a moment, in the sea of chaos, filled with blood and death, then so be it. Even if it felt like he was hurtling himself face first into the words he had tried to avoid for years, bringing himself closer and closer to the hurt and pain that lingered behind them.
Lan WangJi was surprised that he landed safely, not dropping the precious bundle in his arms, that felt like skin stretched over bones, brittle and breaking. He was surprised as no one came out to see what was happening as he bypassed the barrier, a beacon of white in this dim place.
Words that felt like they had been stuck behind his teeth slowly emerged even as he walked a litany of pleases and heartfelt “I love you’s” that seemed to go in one ear and out the other as disoriented grey eyes rolled wildly in Wei Ying’s skull. His own whispers slurred and hard to understand even as Lan WangJi knelt on the floor of the cave.
Like a dam once broken, the words kept pouring out even as he settled his hand right below the warn leather cuff surrounding Wei Ying’s wrist, scared by hard years full of trial after trial. A cycle that went on and on, the same words over and over whispered with every ounce of feeling in his chest.
“Wei Ying, I love you,” over and over even as the slurred words got clearer and clearer even if those once loved eyes never seemed to brighten with acknowledgement of what was going on, lost in his own world full of monsters only he could see.
”Get Lost!” Echoed the first time Lan WangJi heard it clearly, his heart stuttering to a sudden stop even if a part of him had already known that this moment had come. “Get Lost!” Said in a voice rough and dry, with slurring slushy words, all the same came pouring out.
Rejection stung even if he had known it would come, even if it wasn’t directed exactly to Lan WangJi, the words echoed the ones that he had traced in the darkness of night. Words he had hidden from the world knowing that the last thing said between him and his other half were words sending him away.
It hurt, pain radiating from a focal point, shattering everything into tiny shards. The torment doing nothing to stem the words coming from his own mouth, even as he heard noise of others coming. Misery that surged even as he kept his back to the mouth of the cave ignoring the words being shouted at him.
With trembling fingers, he undid the clasp to Wei Ying’s cuff, hands tucking the precious leather into his palm even as his light colored eyes took in for the first time the words hidden there, steeling the resolve inside himself even as he whispered it one last time.
”Wei Ying, I love you.” Quiet and final, and maybe these words had been why the other had the courtesy name that meant no Envies. His last words were ones of love, full of devotion that had been missing from Lan WangJi’s life. It was fitting, that he would have such words to carry him further even as the world seemed to crumble under his feet.
The resulting fight, had a predictable end, he wasn’t trying to stay here with Wei Ying, their time had passed and was no longer. All he had wanted was to get these thirty three elders away, to give Wei Ying a moment, no matter how short, to come back to himself.
Punishment had also been predictable, even knowing that there was no more time between them, Lan WangJi had not stilled his blade and had struck strong and true. When the verdict had been read out to him, while he sat kneeled before the Wall of Discipline did little to stir the numbness in his heart.
Even the first crack of the whip, barbed and designed to inflict pain, did little to dispel the coldness taking over him. Each lash had felt like a relentless battering of thick ice, crackling with noise and pain but doing nothing to fully break through.
White hot agony that came after, in the moments when Lan XIchen had helped him into his bed, away from the snow and blood that now laid strewn on the Cloud Recesses grounds.
It came even as he struggled to hold onto the tattered cuff, hidden carefully once he was allowed back into his rooms. The physical pain that was unending in its cycles of reminding him that Lan WangJi was still in a body trapped on this earth.
It turned into true despair an unknown amount of time later, time had lost all meaning to him as he laid in his rooms hidden away in shame, a deep anguish that filled him.
Anguish that crystallized when the same words he had hidden for years and years, had traced with his thumb wondering who it was out there who didn’t want him, faded away into a silvery scar. A part of him cut away like rot and most likely discarded as such.
Lan WangJi had known it was coming but it didn’t stop the pain. It didn’t stop him from getting up and trying to go back even though he knew deep down there was no reason to.
Because every beginning had an end, and he had reached his.