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he’d gotten used to it. all those decades of surviving without truly living had made bucky’s body function differently in ways that even the serum couldn’t fix. his back ached, his sciatica left him out of commission when it acted up, and sometimes, despite being horny out of his mind and having the most beautiful woman naked in his bed, he just couldn’t get it up.
it was humiliating — being a super soldier with all the strength in the world who couldn’t muster up the strength to make his own body do what he wanted it to. it made him feel embarrassed, broken, fucked up. it truly was a game of chance, as well; sometimes his body magically decided it wanted to cooperate on one day, only to disappoint him the next.
every time it happened, you did your best to soothe him, holding him close and whispering about how you weren’t upset. you never took it personally — you knew bucky adored you. he wanted you more than anything, and this was never his fault. still, despite all of your sweet words, bucky couldn’t help but hear the soft disappointment in your voice underscoring everything else.
the one time he tried taking pills, they reacted with the serum coursing through his veins and left him insatiable for the entire day. as fun as it was letting bucky fuck you in every corner of your apartment, you didn’t exactly want to replace your washer, sink, dining table, and bed frame again.
on his rare night off, as you glanced over at bucky sat next to you on the couch watching some movie that didn’t matter, you could tell that he was thinking about it again. he was anxious, and no amount of emotion shielding could hide the evidence — the small bounce of his leg, the lack of focus in his gaze, his hands clenched in his lap. he was afraid that tonight would end up like so many others.
you pressed your hand on bucky’s leg gently, stilling his movements with a deep sigh. he knew that you knew. “we don’t have to do anything tonight if you don’t want to,” you whispered, rubbing bucky’s thigh soothingly.
bucky swallowed before meeting your gaze, half of his face illuminated by the tv screen. “but i want to,” he muttered lowly, giving you those pleading puppy-dog eyes as if he was perpetually apologizing. “want to…” he let out a low whine and curled in on himself slightly.
“james…” you sighed quietly, scooting closer to him on the couch. bucky immediately leaned into your warmth. he had never been overtly clingy in your relationship, so the small moments where he fully allowed himself to curl next to you often signaled something. knowingly, you reached forward to grab the remote, pausing the movie and leaving a silent tension in the room. you sat up and turned to look at bucky properly, his sad eyes refusing to make contact. “look at me, please,” it was phrased as less of a question and more of an order.
bucky’s gaze faltered — he glanced at you for only a moment before his eyes fell with a small grunt. “‘m sorry,” he whimpered as your fingers came up to cup his chin, pulling him from his hunched posture to come up and look at you properly.
“i want to, too,” you leaned forward just slightly, kissing his cheek just above where his stubble began, “we can, okay?” your hand continued caressing his chin as bucky’s lips parted with a small ‘pop.’ he blinked, seemingly considering your gentle words before nodding.
before he knew it, you were already smiling while maneuvering to straddle his lap. his eyes widened and his hands flew to grasp your hips. bucky’s breath hitched as you settled against him, the weight of your body and the warmth of your thighs on his lap sending a familiar, anxious tremor through his muscles.
“i — i don’t wanna… ruin it. you sure?” bucky’s voice was a low, shaky murmur. his metal fingers twitched before his forehead dropped to rest against your collarbone, breathing you in.
your smile was patient as your hands came up to rest on his broad shoulders. the air between you was charged, a fragile bubble of hope against the weight of his conscience. “of course i’m sure,” you sighed, resting a hand in bucky’s hair.
bucky immediately melted; a ragged sigh broke from his chest before his shoulders sagged, the tension beginning to bleed away under your touch. he tilted his head just enough for his cheek to be able to press against your palm as his eyes fluttered closed. bucky exhaled slowly, his breath warm against your skin as he leaned into your touch. his metal fingers flexed against your hip, the plates shifting with a soft whirring sound.
after a moment, his other hand, the human one, slid up your back with a tentative touch, fingers tracing the ridge of your spine through your shirt as if mapping a path he’d walked a hundred times but still feared he might forget. the hesitation in his movements wasn’t from uncertainty about whether or not he wanted this — that had never been the issue. instead, it was the quiet, gnawing dread that his body might betray him yet again, leaving him stranded in a limbo between desire and frustration.
you finally felt the shift when he lifted his head tentatively, his eyes dark with want and a twinge of hope. his lips parted, but instead of speaking, he pressed a wanton kiss to the inside of your wrist, his stubble lightly scraping against your skin in a way that sent a shiver down your arm.
“tell me what you need,” you murmured, your thumb brushing over his cheekbone, “we don’t have to rush.” you watched as bucky’s throat worked, the words seeming to get stuck somewhere between his ribs and his tongue. the small exhale he let out was uneven, and the room’s dim lighting caught the silver strands at his temples — a small reminder of the serum’s inabilities.
“just this…” bucky managed finally, his voice small. his flesh thumb brushed the hem of your shirt. “wanna make you feel good, even if —” the unspoken ‘even if i can’t’ hung heavily between you, and bucky’s fingers stilled against your skin, ready to pull away.
“hey,” you whispered, catching his wrist before he could retreat completely. your fingers slid down to lace with his in an attempt to ground him. his human palm was clammy against yours — despite the super-soldier metabolism, the poor thing still sweat through sheer nerves like a teenager on a first date.
a soft, understanding smile curved your lips before leaning in and pressing a kiss to bucky’s mouth that was filled with reassurance. your fingers still remained tangled with his; his lips were slightly chapped from biting them too much as a nervous tic, and he trembled faintly before finally sighing into the kiss. as the kiss deepened, your hips shifted against his, slow but deliberate.
bucky made a noise between a whimper and a groan as his metal hand tightened reflexively on your waist. the small sound he made echoed the sharp, familiar sting of frustration. you could tell almost immediately that he wanted nothing more than to prove that he could function properly for you. his expression was raw and almost boyish in his helplessness; a century-old super-soldier reduced to the quiet agony of desperately wanting something that his body refused to give him.
bucky whined as his jaw worked, his teeth grinding together as if he could physically will his own body into cooperating. “goddamn it,” he swallowed under his breath before pulling his human hand from your grip “‘m sorry, sweetheart. i just —” his breath stuttered, “wan’ fuck you so bad, make you come apart for me, wanna hear you —” bucky’s voice cracked with raw want.
he looked truly wrecked already, lips parted, hair mussed from where your fingers had been tangled minutes prior. his hips jerked up involuntarily against yours in a frustrated little thrust that had him biting back a groan. the self-loathing flickered across his face again before he buried his face back against your neck. “god, i hate this, wanna give you everything,” his words muffled against your skin as he whined. his metal arm whirred softly as his grip shifted, pulling you flush against him with a quiet, desperate noise.
you pressed a kiss to bucky’s temple, fingers carding through his hair. “you have no idea,” you hummed. your hand slid to his human wrist once more, this time guiding his fingers beneath the cotton fabric of your lounge shorts and into your underwear. bucky froze against your shoulder as he felt your wetness, inhaling sharply as his brain caught up with the sensation. “that’s what you do to me, james…” you moaned as you rocked gently against his hand a couple times.
bucky whimpered. he lifted his head, eyes meeting yours once more. “christ,” he rasped, “you’re soaked.” his thumb hooked over the waistband of your panties while his calloused fingers met your slick heat. the couch creaked in protest as you ground against his fingers once more, the gentle movement and the mere sight of you coaxing a ragged moan from bucky’s lips.
you continued to rock against his touch, biting your lip to stifle a moan when his fingers found your clit, circling with a clumsy, desperate need to please. “don’t stop,” you breathed, catching his wrist when he tried to pull back, instead guiding his fingers in their movement. “just like that, making me feel so good…”
he whimpered, the sound embarrassingly broken for a man of his power. his metal arm hauled you impossibly closer until you could feel the hammering of his heartbeat through your ribs. bucky made a wounded noise, his hips jerking up against you; for a fleeting second, his body ached with the sting of pleasure. he gritted his teeth. for the first time that evening, you felt the faint but unmistakable press of him through the fabric of his sweatpants. bucky’s entire body went rigid as if he was terrified to move in case the moment shattered.
“oh,” you murmured against his ear between moans, lips brushing the shell as your hand slid down to cup him through the soft material. his answering groan was one of disbelief. “that’s it, sweetheart. feels good, doesn’t it?” you cooed as you listened to bucky begin to allow himself to come apart.
he made a noise like a man drowning as his fingers stuttered against your clit. “s’not — not enough,” he managed, voice thick with frustration even as his hips twitched into your palm. his metal arm whined softly, the plates shifting relentlessly against your hip as if the limb couldn’t decide whether to pull you closer or push you away.
“shh,” you soothed, index finger tracing his outline through the fabric. his breath came in short, sharp bursts as he mustered the courage to look down at your movements. “you’re doing so well, james. just feel it, yeah?”
bucky shuddered against your palm, eyes fluttering. “y’gotta stop talkin’ like that,” he rasped, “‘s unfair…” in his haze, bucky’s hips shifted under you, the movement uncoordinated and desperate. “i just —”
you didn’t let him finish speaking before confidently sliding your hand to the drawstring of his sweatpants. bucky made a strangled noise as you tugged, his fingers abruptly abandoning your heat to claw at the couch cushion beside his thigh. the second his cock sprang free, half-hard and already flushed, bucky’s eyes squeezed shut in a mixture of embarrassment and sheer need. “fuck,” he cursed, voice breaking as his metal hand spasmed against your hip.
you bit back a grin, giggling at the way his entire body twitched in response as you dragged one finger along his length. he looked so pretty — lips parted, lashes fluttering, breath shaky. you smiled as you continued teasing him with your finger so as to not overwhelm him, “see? knew we’d get you there.”
bucky’s breath wavered as your fingers finally curled around him, his hips jerking up into your touch. “jesus fucking —” he choked out, his voice cracking halfway through the word. he swallowed hard, his throat working as he tried and failed to form proper words. continuing to stroke him with delicate fingers, you watched the distinct way his lashes fluttered whenever your thumb brushed over the head of his cock. bucky suddenly whined loudly and desperately, all paired with the gritty noise of his fingers squeezing the couch cushion beside him for dear life. “please,” bucky choked out, his head lolling to the side, his forehead damp with sweat, “too much, babe, gonna —”
his voice cut off with a strangled noise as you shifted your body, lifting yourself just enough to grind against him. your hand gripped his bicep for leverage, and for a glorious moment, everything was heat and pressure and bucky’s breathless whimpers filling the air.
then, his brain caught up.
it happened like a switch flipping — one second he was arching into you with desperate little thrusts against the front of your shorts, and the next his body went rigid. bucky went completely still as you could practically sense the thoughts racing behind his eyes. it was too fast, too much, and not enough all at the same time. his expression crumpled, the pleasure draining from his face. wordlessly, he tried to pull away, his movements jerky, but you held him close, allowing his weight to fall against you.
the frustration radiated off of his body in waves. bucky’s cock was still half-hard against your thigh; the eagerness from earlier subsided as he caught his breath. when bucky finally spoke, he was quiet, his voice dry. “need…” he swallowed hard, breathing against you, “might — might help… if i was inside you.”
nodding, you gently pressed bucky’s body back against the couch cushions. “you sure?” you brushed strands of his sweat-damp hair back from his forehead.
bucky cut you off with a desperate breath, his hips stuttering in a silent plea. the way his body responded to yours was answer enough. his metal arm whirred as he reached down to help guide your shorts and panties to the side, his eyes thoroughly unfocused and blinking rapidly. the moment your pussy pressed against the length of his cock, bucky’s head fell back against the couch with a soft thud. he arched against you gently as you rocked against him as you had been doing before, now without the barrier of fabric between you. you continued rocking against him slowly, watching the way his jaw clenched and unclenched and how his breath came in ragged bursts. his flesh fingers flew to flex against your hip, his grip alternating between bruising tightness and featherlight.
“still okay?” you whispered, pressing a kiss to his collarbone as you continued rocking back and forth slowly.
bucky groaned with a sob. “haah — yeah, something like that,” he joked, gently guiding your hips, “gonna kill me if you don’t hurry up, though.”
“easy, sergeant,” you smirked teasingly, reaching forward to brush your thumb over the tense line of his jaw. “i’ve got you.” you could feel the way bucky’s body thrummed with hesitation as your fingers wrapped around his length, gently guiding him to where you both wanted him to be. however, despite your efforts, the angle was all wrong — not quite enough friction to coax him inside. you stroked him a couple of times in an attempt to get bucky even ten percent harder as his face flashed with self-loathing. you pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth while your hand adjusted the angle.
this time, you managed to press his tip inside your warmth, sighing as bucky made a noise like a man who’d just been punched in the gut; all the air left his lungs in one ragged exhale. “christ, babe,” he choked out, his voice strangled and thin, “s’like — fuck — so good… always so good…”
you sank down inch by torturous inch, watching the way bucky’s lips parted around quiet pleading sounds. his hips twitched with tiny, held-back movements that betrayed how badly he wanted to thrust up into you. his breathing was so shallow you half-expected him to pass out right under you.
“my sweet boy… taking it so well,” you muttered out a few teasing words to distract him as you finally bottomed out. bucky let out a broken, punched-out whine that would’ve made you giggle if it wasn’t so painfully earnest. he looked utterly broken — lips swollen from biting back, eyes glassy with overwhelmed pleasure.
“don’t move,” bucky gasped, and you could swear you heard the sound of his watery eyes blinking. “just — please — gimme a second, or i’m gonna —” he cut himself off with a ragged moan, hips canting involuntarily as your walls managed to pull him even deeper inside. he swallowed back yet another pathetic noise, and the way his cock twitched inside you suggested that his body had very different ideas about patience than his brain did.
you shifted experimentally with just with the tiniest roll of your hips, and bucky sobbed. he anchored himself with his hand on your hip, wordlessly begging you not to lift your hips for fear that he’d slip out. you responded by continuing to roll your hips with deliberate slowness. “there you go, buck,” the praise dripped from your lips like honey, “so perfect… always so good for me, aren’t you?”
bucky held himself so still against you, his cock twitching with desperation and a lingering sense of terror that this moment was simply too good to be true. you continued your grueling pace, refusing to give him the frantic movements he craved. his entire body tensed as you rocked against him, but you began to see the doubt creeping back into his expression — that familiar shadow of frustration threatening to swallow him whole. bucky’s flesh hand trembled where it gripped your hip; his fingers flexed once, twice, before sliding between your bodies with the kind of clumsy urgency that suggested he was barely holding it together. perhaps as a way to urge you to pick up the pace, bucky’s thumb made contact with your clit, and he let out a groan like he was the one being touched, his entire body shuddering beneath you.
thumb circling with a rhythm that was more hopeful than coordinated, bucky gasped as your pace quickened. “you feel so good,” you gasped, arching into his touch as you moaned.
“yeah? tell me — please,” bucky’s voice cracked when he spoke, rough with want. his words dissolved into a shudder as you rolled your hips just right, causing his head to tip back just slightly.
“nobody could make me feel like this, james — only you.” you pressed your forehead to his, smiling as bucky fell apart so easily under a little bit of praise.
“christ, you’re gonna fuckin’ kill me,” he managed, voice thoroughly wrecked. he gasped like he couldn’t believe his ears; it all made your stomach flutter and heart clench.
despite your increased pace, bucky continued moaning like he just needed more somehow. his cock twitched inside you, and you rewarded him by rolling your hips in a slow circle. you were getting close, and by the looks of it, so was he.
“fuck —” bucky swallowed hard, “y’gotta — please —”
you kept your forehead pressed against his, whispering through heavy gasps, “use your words, sweetheart.”
his voice broke. “need you to — fuck — faster, please, s’good, s’good — w’nna cum with you —”
you kissed bucky’s forehead as his thumb sped up, pressing harder against your clit with erratic movements as his control frayed at the edges. the air between you crackled with electricity, bucky’s cock twitching inside you with every ragged exhale. “let go,” you whispered, your voice thick with your own rising pleasure, “i’m right behind you… go ahead,” you attempted to sound put-together despite faltering a bit.
for one suspended heartbeat, bucky hung there, your permission registering in his own clouded mind. his eyes shut as he cried out, his hips jerking up into you as his release hit him like a freight train. with his last remaining thread of conscience, his thumb worked eagerly against you. bucky trembled severely, setting aside all of his insecurities for a singular moment. his aftershocks, the way his hips pressed up into you — they sent you spiraling over the edge right after him. you gasped out moans against bucky’s lips, kissing him as you both shook, overwhelmed and relieved.
after a long moment, you allowed yourself to slump against bucky’s metal shoulder as bucky’s chest rose and fell in uneven bursts beneath you. the silence between you was comfortable, but you could almost immediately feel the tension creeping back into his shoulders.
you pressed a kiss to the hollow of his throat, the stubble there tickling your lips. “you’re thinking too loud,” you murmured against his skin.
bucky huffed a humorless laugh before looking down to meet your eyes. “didn’t know you had superpowers.”
you sighed before sitting up, making direct eye contact with bucky. he yelped slightly at the movement, still sensitive. “listen, if you’re about to apologize for that stellar performance, i swear to god i’ll —”
“performance?” bucky’s laugh was sharper this time. “sweetheart, i barely even managed to —”
you cut him off by pressing a finger to his lips. “don’t even start.” your voice caused bucky to still.
for a second, bucky stared at you like you’d hung the moon in his sky. then, with a shuddering exhale (one to signify ‘you won’), he pulled you tight against his chest, his nose buried in your hair. his voice was muffled when he finally spoke: “my back’s gonna kill me after that.”
you snorted, the tension in the room breaking. “old man,” you teased.
bucky’s answering groan was exasperated, yet full of pure adoration. “yeah, yeah. rub it in.”