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Ivan stared at the wretched clock which seemed to stare back at him with a distasteful glee. It was as if time had come to a halt and he could see the end of his life coming closer and closer...a twisted shadow reaching out to him from the darkness.
"You're here again." He muttered to himself.
The room was empty. The window was slightly ajar letting in cold winds and flecks of snow but he was too lazy to close it. He was lying on his bed, right opposite to both the accursed window and the clock. It seemed to represent a dilemma of sorts- whether the human was more suited to action or inaction. Ivan laughed suddenly and he could hear the familiar voice again.
"I was always here." The gentleman standing by the window was no gentleman at all, yet he exuded this aura of confidence and ease. Ivan would be lying if he said he wasn't jealous- how could such a creation live so freely in his own mind when all his thoughts were confined and hidden away.
"Do you feel lonely on such days?" The apparition asked and Ivan scoffed.
"I'm not lonely- if I am then not any lonelier than I was yesterday or the day before."
"Hmm, you say that but I sense inner turmoil."
Ivan suddenly sprung up, feeling his face heat up in anger. "You?! How could you sense anything! You're just a dream, go away!"
"But you are awake, are you not?" The man said without missing a beat, "Tell me- am I still a dream?"
Ivan flopped back down onto the bed. "No, there's no point in this at all."
He had always prided himself on his independence, his rationality and intellectualism. But the more time passed, the more he began to wonder who the true fool was. He had done everything right- played by the rules and treated everyone around him with caution and careful indifference. Yet he had expressed himself like any other with a soul would.
'You resent them and admire them.' A quiet thought sprung to life and Ivan tried his best to make it go away.
It was true. He had looked down on Alyosha for being naive and stupid. He had looked down on Dmitri for acting impulsive and irrational.
But now, Dmitri had found a renewed hope and redeemed himself through some so-called 'God' and Alyosha was as free and happy as he could be.
Actually how was Alyosha? The last time they had spoken with the fondness of two brothers united after years of self-consciousness but what changes had overcome them in the meantime?
"You should close the window, you know." The damn thing just wouldn't stop its commentary.
"Do you have nothing else of value to tell me?"
"You believe everything I tell you is known to you already." The devil shrugged, waving his hands helplessly, "How can I hope to win against the stubborness of a man such as yourself. You would drag yourself to court with brain fever and justify your beliefs with the passion of a man about to be executed. You would rather die wrong than deny yourself the peace of being right."
"I would do no such thing." Ivan argued. "My life would have been easier if I could."
And it was true, wasn't it? He was suffering so much because he thought so much, because no matter how hard he tried, he found himself running in circles in his own head in an attempt to find irrefutable logic and precision.
A sharp knock at the door caused him to flinch.
The devil looked at him sympathetically. "That wasn't me." He offered.
Ivan glared at him rudely and stood up to answer the door.
"Who is it?"
As he opened the door, he was greeted with the sight of a young man with thick black hair and a dark coat.
"Are you Ivan?" The man asked casually- seeming not to care much for formalities.
"Yes, who are you?"
"Kolya Krasotkin."
"Oh I've heard of you." Alyosha had mentioned the name once or twice. Apparently, the two of them were destined to be either the best of friends or the greatest of enemies. Considering his sudden appearance, Ivan hypothesized that they got along after all.
"Did my brother send you?"
"Yes, he wanted me to give you his regards and this letter." Kolya dug around in his pocket until he pulled out an envelope.
Ivan took it gracefully, tossing it tactfully to the side- but he was unable to hide his displeasure.
"Are you not on good terms?" Kolya prodded.
Ivan wanted to snap at him but the mirthful presence behind him made him reconsider.
"Let's chat in the kitchen downstairs."
Kolya nodded and stepped to the side as Ivan forcefully shut the door behind him.
"Katya isn't in today. Would you like some tea?" He said without turning around.
"If it isn't a bother then yes I would."
***
As they sat in silence, drinking hot tea- Ivan found himself truly relaxing for the first time in a long while.
"Your brother isn't who you think he is, you know." Kolya said abruptly, putting down the cup.
"I see." Ivan said plainly but Kolya's sharp eyes seemed to see right through him.
"Have you found peace yet?" Kolya asked, leaning back slightly. "You had a difficult life."
"And yours was easy?"
"Mine was ambitious. As for whether it was a success or failure, I couldn't tell you."
Ivan smiled, "I was once someone who stood far above others. I wrote articles, I accumulated wealth, I learnt to be civil to my drunkard father."
"And you turned neurotic as a result."
"..."
The two of them sat in silence again, this time with an underlying tension.
"Are you saying it would have been better for me to turn to violence and unrestrained emotion?"
"No, not at all. Forgive me, I was merely speculating."
"Then go ahead, don't stop at my expense."
"Well, it seemed to me that your rationality was just a disguise." Kolya wasted no time in giving his answer leading Ivan to think he wasn't as sorry as he pretended to be. He was a sharp kid, somewhat similar to his old self but different in a way Ivan couldn't place. "People answered well to it but you chipped away at your self."
"My 'self'? I spoke rationally and I was respected for it. Trying to get down to the level of a beast while pursuing some vague notion of justice will only lead to pain for all those involved. I held my tongue when I had to, I spoke when there was the opportunity. You can say that I turned my loathing inwards but I was never one misled by those trying to distort the truth of this world."
A pause.
"Kolya, was it? I don't think you're old enough to understand yet but don't misunderstand me as looking down on you. My brother must have put his own fanciful thoughts into your head but there are few who can lead a life like him successfully. He is loved by the world and he loves the world. You must not aspire to be like him."
Kolya's lips quirked slightly upwards. "You're very direct. I appreciate that. It's funny but I actually, I actually had a similar conversation a long time ago. I acted arrogantly but I secretly knew how inexperienced I was. Even with my peers, I didn't want to be loved so much as I wanted to be revered. Perhaps, that is where we both went wrong."
Kolya looked into the distance as if remembering an old memory.
"What was it like- to live in a prison?"
Ivan raised an eyebrow. "What are you referring to?"
"You once lived in a prison of someone else's making but now you live in a prison of your own making. I wonder what it was like back then."
"It was fine." Ivan said coldly, "It's not that one was better or worse nor do I have the capacity to quantify it. All I know is that my regret carried over wherever I went. If I live in a prison now, it's because I wasn't able to move on like the rest of you."
Outside, the sun was setting and the vividly red sky was slowly changing into a deep blue.
"I won't overstay my welcome." Kolya said kindly.
Ivan nodded and walked him to the door.
"One last thing." Kolya spoke immediately upon stepping outside.
"Alyosha is different from what you imagine him to be. He is generous but reserved. He sees beauty because he wishes for it to exist. He can drift freely because he is not attached to preconceived notions."
"Yes I'm sure." Ivan replied, "He is an idealist."
"He's more like an empty vessel."
"That seems rather insulting." Ivan couldn't help but smile slightly, he knew the words had no malice after all.
Kolya laughed, "Believe me, it's the highest praise I could give."
Ivan chose his next words carefully. "Do you believe in God?"
Kolya laughed harder, so much in fact that he had to wipe away at his tears. "I had a feeling you would ask that! Well, what do you think?"
"I think you do not because you are both arrogant and clever- a very dangerous combination. Then again, who knows what Alyosha has been teaching you."
"I'll leave that to your imagination then. Good night, Ivan Karamazov."
The young man left as abruptly as he arrived. Ivan closed the door.
***
He dragged his feet back up the staircase. He had no desire to face the demon again and he felt an inexplicable chill all over his body.
He pondered silently before the door and then opened it. However, he was to find there was no well-dressed gentleman sitting by the fireplace. He looked around the room madly but it was completely empty- and...the window was closed.
The letter Kolya handed him earlier was sitting neatly on the table- shining brightly as if beckoning to him.
Ivan ran towards the table and ripped it open before the room got too dark to read.
'Dearest Ivan,
I hope you are doing well. I have travelled to various places and seen many things and suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to write this letter to you. Recently, I've begun to look back on the things you told me and I find myself more confused than I'd like to admit.
I heard from Katya that you were sick again.
I don't want to preach to you as I know how much you hate those who preach but I find myself seeing answers everywhere. If the soul is truly immortal then it seems like everything is a mirage. My compassion towards everything increases day by day but I am mostly unchanged on the inside.
I wonder why?
If I can reach out to people with simply my presence and kindness then maybe that proves the existence of something greater but you too were able to move people with your word and intellect. But I think it's all the same really. Whichever of us is right, I am more interested in knowing about others. If I continue this then there is a possibility I will grow to hate everything but even then, I think I will be able to return to one conclusion.
I will come visit you soon.
Yours lovingly,
Alyosha.'
Ivan frowned at the letter and deposited it back on the table. It was a strange letter but Alyosha had always been a strange person.
His mind began to wander again to other thoughts.
Why was it that he lived being scrutinized and scrutinizing himself? He was dangerous because he was discreet but he held more fear than he knew what to do with. As he closed his eyes, he found himself floating through space. The prison was very real, he hadn't imagined it after all.
Then did that mean everything was real? What is real and fake anyhow? If one could be affected by the hypothetical then it was real in the way it presented itself. Even predicting other people's actions was difficult and irritating. They all did as they pleased. He sighed, feeling chilly again.
"If I could for a moment leave this cold, empty place- would I be able to replace this dream with another?"
But no one replied this time. His one 'friend' was quiet, somehow still vaguely present.
The ticking of the clock continued- a monotone source of white noise as he fantasized about the past and the future.
That's when the face of the devil flashed clearly in his mind.
'You ruminated so much that even inaction did the work of action.'
But how did he know that?
The world stilled as Ivan repeated the words over and over to himself while unknowingly drifting off to sleep. The thought of a bright and distant morning had never seemed as beautiful as it did in that instant.