Chapter Text
Early spring at Aubrey Hall was always pleasant for Penelope. The air was chilly at times but the days were warm. It was a time when flowers began unfolding from their buds, when butterflies would emerge from their chrysalises, in anticipation of flowers in their full bloom. It was a period of transition that was both peaceful and dramatic. Penelope could lounge and read all she wanted, she could enjoy walks in the gardens amongst the perfectly curated floral selection by Lady Bridgerton, and she could eat all the cakes and eclairs she wanted when she was craving something sweet. Beyond all, she got to spend time apart from her nitpicking mother and at most times, dim-witted sisters.
Early spring at Aubrey Hall meant relief from her fussy mother and sisters and from having to stick to the walls of ballrooms to gather gossip so that she could fulfil her weekly “commitment” as the gossip writer, Lady Whistledown.
But time at Aubrey Hall was not always, as the Ton was getting ready to return to Mayfair for a new social season, and Lady Bridgerton had decided they would be leaving in two days.
It would be Penelope’s eighth season on the marriage mart and at eight-and-twenty, she had truly given up any hope of marrying. The first three years after her debut, Penelope always felt awkward, out of place, and overlooked. She had been forced to debut early due to her family’s financial worries. Suitors would also sometimes look her way and she would get her hopes up, just for them to turn to ask her dearest friend, Eloise, for a dance. Despite the constant lack of suitors, she felt blessed to have Eloise by her side. Had it not been for her, Penelope would not have been able to bear the shallowness of the marriage mart, to stand with her head held high in the face of unkind remarks by Cressida Cowper. Though, at many times, these challenges were the least of her worries.
A year before her debut, Penelope fell in love.
It happened with a strong wind. One strong enough to take her breath away and knock a man off his horse. The wind had carried her bonnet off her head and hit the man square in the face, causing him to wobble on his horse, before finally losing balance and toppling into a puddle of mud.
The man was the most dashing Penelope had ever laid her eyes on. In the minor chaos that ensued as a result of her mother’s panicked shrieks, Penelope was prepared to also be told off by the handsome young man. But he never did. Instead, he laughed and blamed his inability to hold his own against a flimsy, yellow bonnet.
As he handed Penelope her muddied bonnet and their hands met each other’s for the first time, she could feel the world, her world, shift beneath her feet. That was how Penelope fell in love with Colin Bridgerton.
That was also how she met his sister, Eloise Bridgerton, and how she found herself a close friend of the Bridgerton family; one close enough to always have an invitation to spend time at the Bridgerton ancestral home, Aubrey Hall, whenever the Bridgertons were retiring from Mayfair.
After her debut, Penelope had always hoped that Colin might one day find himself attracted to her. The hope was both kindled and quashed at every ball when Colin, and at times the other Bridgerton brothers, would ask her for a dance at the encouragement of their mother. Part of her wanted to believe that Colin danced with her out of desire. But in truth, her heart knew it was out of obligation.
At the very least, Penelope was able to speak with Colin frequently and began a loyal friendship, even exchanging letters when Colin travelled out of the country.
Her hopes were finally snuffed for good in her fourth year out, also the first season where she was of marriageable age, when Penelope heard Colin exclaim loud and clear that he “would certainly never marry Penelope Featherington” as she was on her way out of Number Five after having tea with the Bridgerton ladies.
Though she pretended it did not hurt her in the least, how could it have not? To have loved, and still love, someone for five whole years, and have that someone disparage her as a possible marriage prospect, Penelope was only proud that she didn’t burst into tears there and then.
So, Penelope willed to love even quieter. It was futile for her to attempt to move on and leave her feelings behind, as there simply was no one who could capture her heart as Colin did. Penelope was also a romantic through and through, and she enjoyed loving even if it was unrequited.
Even now, as she stared into the lake and felt the warmth of the grass beneath her with the slight cool breeze blowing in her face, Penelope thought about the letters she exchanged with Colin just a few weeks back. He was in Cyprus and had told her that he would be back before the season began.
“Is there something particularly interesting in the lake?”
Penelope jolted at the sudden intrusion to her thoughts and twisted her body to see Colin.
“Colin!” she called out in glee. “You did not mention you would come back to Aubrey Hall!”
She began getting up from the grass to properly greet him, but stopped when Colin shook his head and plonked himself right next to her.
“How have you been, Penelope?” he asked.
She took a moment to take him in. His skin had gotten tan from the Mediterranean sun, his head now adorned with longer curls that were wildly tossed in the breeze and his stubble unshaved.
Her heart raced and she felt flutters in her stomach. How had he gone and come back looking even better?
She cleared her throat softly, “Same as usual. It’s been the most wonderful time here at Aubrey Hall. Eloise and I scour through the library nearly everyday and the freedom we are granted here is most rewarding.”
Colin smiled as she carried on, “Did you just return? Wait, do not answer that, I’m sure you did. Lady Bridgerton would not let you run around with that stubble.”
He scoffed cheekily, “Not you as well, Pen. Mother already talked to me about my ‘unruly’ appearance, among other things.”
“Well, it is a style we here in Mayfair are unexposed to. What else did she say?”
He shrugged, “Nothing much. She asked how long I would be staying in the country. And I told her I’ll be here for the foreseeable future.”
“You’ll be here for the season? Really?” Penelope asked in excitement.
Colin narrowed his eyes at her playfully, “And here I thought, as my friend, you would encourage me to go on my travels.”
She chuckled, “We are just glad to have you back. Though, as your friend, I am surprised you have not yet planned your next venture to a foreign country.”
“It’s just-...It does get exhausting sometimes,” he softly admitted.
Penelope frowned and turned to face him, “You sounded like you were having a blast in your letters, I never thought…”
“It was fun. But…I feel wanderlust, at times. And I’m thinking, maybe I’ve been missing too much at home,” Colin looked up into Penelope’s eyes.
It was a version of Colin she rarely saw. Ever since they met, he had been charming, always knowing what to say to lift the spirits of others, always seeing what other people needed, and being there to help them. He had always made her feel at ease, his quips made her laugh, his behaviour made her feel cared for.
But the Colin in front of her seemed…uncertain.
As she pondered on how she should respond, he continued, “And my mother is pestering me to get married again. Perhaps, she is right. Maybe starting a family is what would give me a purpose, something…more tangible.”
Penelope’s heart dropped.
“You are looking to get married this season, then?”
“If the right person comes by…but I am not hopeful.”
“Well, why not? You are Colin Bridgerton, the most charming man in the Ton, according to Lady Whistledown.”
Colin chuckled lightly but turned serious again. “I don't know…she makes me seem like an empty-headed charmer. Someone without substance. A nameless Bridgerton brother.”
His words put a frown on Penelope’s face. She certainly had not meant for him to feel that way with her gossip sheet. “Lady Whistledown reports what she hears. But those who know you know you aren't just an ‘empty-headed charmer’.”
He shook his head. “I feel it too. I don't know who to be in society, if not the Bridgerton brother who always charms his way in and out of things.”
“You do get away with a lot, but Colin, surely you must see there's so much more to yourself.”
“Is there?”
Penelope was confused. Never in her eight years of knowing Colin, had he ever showed dissatisfaction with his life, with society, with himself. To her, he had everything and was everything she could ever want.
She opened her mouth to speak, wanting to tell him how she saw him, but Colin decided to divert the attention away from him, “Enough about me, what about you, Pen?”
“What about me?”
“We've never talked much about this, and I know Eloise is always saying that you both will be spinsters forever. But do you really have no intention to marry?”
Caught off guard, Penelope sputtered, “I…Well, of course I would like to marry… But, you know, I'm a spinster for a reason. I have no suitors.”
Colin stared at her. He tried to think why Penelope had no suitors when she was perfectly agreeable and suitable as a wife. She was well-read and witty, her letters to him attentive, sensitive, and all-encompassing. She was also pleasant-looking with her auburn hair, rosy complexion, pale blue eyes, and a figure that…was definitely not lacking in any sort of manner. Had she spent too much time with Eloise and caused any possible prospects to be scared away?
“Colin?” she called and he pulled himself out of his thoughts, thinking that he really missed the way she said his name.
“Perhaps we can change that,” he responded.
An adorable frown formed on her forehead, “Pardon?”
Colin didn't know where the conversation was heading but spoke anyway. “I could make some introductions. Pen, anyone would be lucky to court you.”
Penelope's frown deepened, “I- That's totally unnecessary, Colin.”
He was puzzled, didn't she want to marry? “Why not? You could meet someone and-”
“There's really no need to go to all this trouble,” she said with a tone of finality.
“But-”
“I have a lover, Colin!” she blurted.
Colin stared incredulously, his mouth wide open as his mind went wild. Penelope could see the gears beginning to turn in his head and quickly jumped to clarify, “B-by that, I mean…I have someone…,” she slowed and paused before looking into his eyes, “someone that I love.”
He felt frozen. His best friend loved someone and he never knew. She had experienced the feeling his mother harped on about and wished for all her children to find. She knew what it was like to be in love, a feeling he had not yet begun to comprehend.
Colin swallowed, his throat feeling dry, “Who is it?”
Penelope gave him a small, sad smile and looked down while shaking her head, “It doesn't matter. He will never love me.”
He felt a sting in his heart. “Well, do I know this guy? Surely, I could help-”
She quickly cut him off and returned her gaze to the lake. “No, Colin. He-” her voice cracked a little and she paused. The grass rustled with the growing breeze but Colin could only hear and feel her silence.
Penelope took a deep breath. Her mind screamed at her not to look at him but her traitorous heart led her to face him again. And as she looked into his dark blue eyes, she could tell him nothing but the truth. “I don't need to have him, Colin. I shall not be greedy. I am content…loving him from afar.”
It was a side of Penelope Colin had never seen. He couldn't even think of what to say, how to process the fact that his best friend was so deeply in love with this unknown man. An uncomfortable feeling started growing at the pit of his stomach, for which he had zero explanations.
A moment passed as they stared at each other, their eyes a window into their souls, into who they really were. Until a distant voice called for Penelope.
She closed her eyes, breaking their eye contact, and looked back to see Eloise heading towards them.
“Pen, I-” Colin began, not wanting to put a rest to their conversation.
“I think we should stop talking about this. Please,” she pleaded. She quickly stood up, briefly dusted the skirt of her dress, and walked to meet with Eloise.