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How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning (“Sonnet 43”)
Reo considers himself pretty lucky.
He knows he’s more well-off than most people, and he really is grateful for that. Because of that, he’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted from a very early age. Some people might call him spoiled, but this is as normal as it gets for him.
That being said, there is just one thing that he wants more than anything. And unfortunately for him, it’s the first and only thing he hasn't been able to get.
He slumps dramatically over his desk, resting his head on folded arms. Turning to the side, he watches as Nagi taps away distractedly on his phone, one leg propped up in front of him.
He stares without saying anything. Nagi’s eyebrows are pinched in concentration at whatever game has enraptured him this time. A small smile plays on Reo’s face until he promptly stops himself upon realising how pathetic all of this is.
He met Nagi a few months ago on the school stairs. His existence emboldened every desire Reo had in his pursuit of the World Cup. He had found a genius, a treasure that would help carry him right to his dream.
At least that’s how it was at first. Before he knew it, however, Nagi had become a permanent fixture in his life that he could no longer imagine himself being without. He filled an absence in Reo’s heart that he wasn’t even aware he had.
And like clockwork, or like the inevitable sun that rises after the moon goes down, he fell in love. Hard.
If he was being honest, he knew it was fruitless. Illogical, even. Not to toot his own horn, but he’s on the receiving end of a chocolate-filled and rose-tinted confession more than a few times in just a week. Nagi, on the other hand, seemed to be almost incapable of having such feelings at all. Never once has Reo heard him mention anything along the lines of love. It was another thing on the long list of things that Nagi felt was a hassle.
To that end, Reo knew better than to think his feelings could be reciprocated. In fact, he had already been rejected mentally. Still, it didn’t stop him from feeling a tiny flicker of hope every time Nagi’s gaze lingers on him for longer than what can be considered casual staring, or when Nagi leans into him much more than necessary during piggyback rides.
It drives him crazy. He sometimes considers confessing, just to get it over with. Better to get rejected outright than to get his hopes up for nothing. But he can’t bring himself to actually do it.
Knowing Nagi, nothing much would change even if he did confess. He would shrug it off with indifference, and Reo would mope around for a while, but their usual routine of football practice, and long conversations—ones where Reo would talk Nagi’s ears off and he’ll look bored and tired, but he’s really listening to every word he says—and study sessions, and casual touches, will continue.
But through it all, Reo would long for a different outcome. He would wish for more, as selfish as it is, and the despair at not being able to reach out to Nagi the way he wanted would crush him.
So he keeps quiet and tries to quell the intense emotions swirling under his skin, deep inside the hollow recesses of his heart. Still, it’s hard when he feels it everywhere, at all times.
He doesn’t realise his eyes are watering until he finds himself blinking back tears. Swallowing against a hard lump in his throat, he turns away quietly, and his eyes fall on a crumpled piece of pink paper that was definitely not there a second ago.
Sitting up, he looks around, confused. Any questions he may have had are answered when he sees a girl in his class, Hikari, he thinks, with her head low and surrounded by a group of enthusiastic girls, all of whom keep shooting him sideways glances and giggling.
Reo tries not to grimace as he opens the ball of paper on his desk with delicate movements, carefully softening out the creases. He knows what it says even before he reads it. A small part of him wishes his heart would give up on its hopeless desires and focus on one of the many people in his school who actually want him. But as the saying goes, the heart wants what it wants.
This time, he’s meeting them in the classroom at the end of the day. With an empty feeling in his chest, he flashes her a smile and nods to indicate that he’ll be there.
Beside him, Nagi clears his throat. Reo whips around, startled, only to find his phone abandoned on the table, and his grey eyes fixed on the pink note in Reo’s hands.
“I’ll wait for you outside after school,” Nagi says, and goes back to playing his game apathetically, like nothing happened.
Reo knows he doesn’t expect a response, so he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he stares down at his hands and ponders how he’ll reject her in a way that leaves both parties satisfied—or well, as satisfied as can be, in a situation like that.
“I really like you, Reo-kun!” She bows her head to hide her expression. “Please give me your answer.”
Reo fiddles with the hair tie on his wrist and tries to appear confident, if only to make Hikari feel less anxious. He internally sighs and only feels slightly guilty when he recites his usual speech about how he’s not looking for a relationship at the moment, but he’s flattered.
He’s seen his fair share of reactions to this over the years. He hopes it’s not the tearful one; he’s not sure what to do in situations like that.
To his surprise, she looks up and meets his gaze head-on, looking relatively unbothered by the rejection, save for the slight frown on her lips.
“You don’t have to lie, it’s okay, I understand,” She says, with a sad expression. She takes a deep breath and continues, unwavering. “It’s my fault, I knew, but I still confessed to you.”
Reo stares at her, confusion evident in his features. He had no idea what she was talking about. Knew? Knew what?
She must see his inner turmoil because she starts to look doubtful. Tilting her head, she says, “I mean, you’re in love with Nagi-kun, right?”
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say his world stopped for a second. Was he that obvious? Did everyone know? He gapes at her uselessly, trying to form a response, but no words come out.
Hikari, for her part, starts to nervously wave her hands in front of her in a panicked gesture. “I—I’m so sorry! I thought you were, but I shouldn’t have just assumed.” She looks down and rubs her arm awkwardly.
Without thinking, Reo hastily puts a hand on her shoulder, shaking his head at her when she looks back up at him.
“No… You’re right, I am. I just didn’t expect anyone to notice,” Reo mutters the last part, watching as Hikari’s eyes widen.
“Ah, no—” She smiles reassuringly at him, “—I’m really observant, so I’m probably the only one who knows.” Her gaze drops to the hand on her shoulder.
Reo retracts his hand and nods, while a wave of unbidden relief engulfs him. He runs his hand through his hair and genuinely smiles at her.
“Sorry for lying. It’s easier than explaining the truth,” Reo says.
Thankfully, she’s very understanding and had already prepared to be rejected anyway (Reo doesn’t think about how he knows exactly how that feels). They exchange a few more words of encouragement for their respective love lives and agree not to make this a big deal.
As Reo walks towards the doors of the classroom, he feels lighter. That went about as well as it could, despite the fact that someone else knew about his crush. He internally cringes at that word, feeling like a pre-schooler again.
His slightly pleasant demeanour disappears instantly the moment he opens the door, spotting the last person he wanted to see there.
Nagi is there, leaning against the wall with his arms folded against his chest and eyes cast down towards the floor.
Reo freezes, feeling his stomach sink so fast he almost falls over from the whiplash. Hikari excuses herself and practically sprints away, leaving Reo alone to deal with this. Whatever this is. He can hear the frantic thrumming of his heart everywhere. Humorlessly, he wonders if Nagi can hear it too—It’s certainly loud enough.
“...Nagi, how long have you been standing there?” Reo can’t help it. He has to ask—to confirm his fears—but truth be told, he’s terrified of the answer.
Nagi trails his foot back and forth on the floor. Still not looking at him, he replies with a shrug, “Since she said—” He cuts himself off suddenly, and seems to reconsider his words. “A while.”
Reo blinks dumbly at him. He knows what this means. What he must have heard.
“Nagi, I—”
“I left my phone in the classroom,” Nagi interrupts him and stalks past him in hurried steps, leaving Reo to stand in the middle of the hallway alone.
He feels heavy with a mixture of emotions. Anxiety washes over him like a cascading waterfall, steadily forsaking him. He glances inside the classroom and watches as Nagi traverses around, searching for his phone.
His stomach is in knots, but he doesn’t dare move an inch from where he’s standing. All he can do is stare helplessly at Nagi. He follows his every movement and tries to figure out what he’s thinking. To anyone else, it might seem like Nagi is completely unaffected by the entire situation, but Reo has known him long enough to pick up on any nuances in his behaviour.
The tension in his shoulders betrays his carefully neutral expression. On top of that, he’s pointedly not looking at Reo. What this means, though, Reo has no idea.
Eventually, Nagi finds his phone, and Reo could swear he hesitates for a moment before turning to walk towards him.
Nagi brushes right past him and starts down the hallway. Unsure of what else to do, Reo trails behind him, leaving a tolerable amount of distance between them. They continue in stiff silence all the way to the front gates of the school.
They live quite close to each other, so they always end up walking together, or on some days, Reo cycles them both home. Usually, this is the highlight of his day on the days he doesn’t have football practice, but today, he can think of nothing worse than the impending fifty minutes. Maybe he’ll stop looking both ways, and if he’s lucky enough, he’ll get hit by a car.
“Hey, Reo?”
His thoughts—which were turning rather morbid—are cut off by the sound of Nagi’s voice. It makes Reo flinch a little, considering he hadn’t been expecting the white-haired boy to talk at all.
Nagi still isn’t looking at him, but he realises that he’s quite thankful for that fact. He really can’t handle eye contact with him right now. “Nagi?” He asks tentatively.
“Why?” Nagi asks, voice sounding a little strained, like it took all his strength to push that one word out.
He doesn’t clarify further. He doesn’t need to. Reo looks up at the sky, huffing as he does so. Why? He knows why, but at the same time, he doesn’t. He contemplates his answer for a while and eventually settles on just telling Nagi the truth.
“There’s no particular reason, really. You…” Reo trails off and hesitates for half a second before continuing. “You never looked at me any differently because of my family. You’re my friend because you want to be, and not for any ulterior motives. You think everything’s a hassle, but you still play football for my sake, and you listen to everything I say. I can’t tell you why. I just looked at you one day, and I knew.”
Nagi is quiet for a long time. Reo feels his heart clench. He’s not stupid. He knows what’s coming next. Tears prickle at his eyes, threatening to spill over. He rubs at them harshly; he refuses to cry because of this.
“I didn’t know you felt that way,” Nagi mutters, breaking the tense silence over them. “Isn’t it a hassle?”
Reo scrunches his eyebrows at this. Leave it to Nagi to think that feelings, especially something as tender and precious as love, are nothing more than a hassle. Although seeing as how those very same feelings landed him in this unbearable position, he almost feels inclined to agree. Almost.
Laughing bitterly, Reo replies, “No. Nothing’s a hassle when it comes to you. I’d probably do anything for you.” He hates how true that is.
At this, Nagi finally turns around to look directly at him with a puzzled expression on his face. A flicker of something flashes in his eyes, but Reo can’t tell what it is. Doubt? Guilt? Pity? He doesn’t want to know.
“You probably don’t want to hear this, but I—” Nagi starts, but unfortunately for him, Reo has no intention of letting him finish that sentence.
“You don’t feel the same, I know. It’s okay, Nagi.”
“Reo…”
Reo shakes his head and looks down. He can’t bear to look at him right now. He mentally scolds himself for how stupid he’s acting, but he can’t help it. His chest is heavy with a loaded weight. If he’s not careful, he’ll be crushed under it.
He can feel Nagi’s piercing stare, burning a hole through every fibre of his being. A blessing and a curse. He hears him sigh in exasperation.
“I don’t get it, Reo. Stuff like this is all such a hassle. Can things not just stay the way they are?”
Reo feels a pang of hurt flood through him. It takes everything in him to hold back the tears in his eyes. He doesn’t know what to say. He used to think that even if Nagi found out about his feelings, nothing would change. They’d keep being them, and they wouldn’t mention it again. But he figures that he may be more unlucky than he originally thought.
He can feel Nagi’s increasing frustration at his lack of reply, but he doesn’t press any further. Reo decides that he’s had enough of this. He doesn’t know what could happen if he’s in Nagi’s presence for any longer. The last thing he wants to do is cry in front of him. All things considered, he feels he should be proud of himself for making it this far in the conversation without snapping.
“I’m sorry,” Reo says in a low voice, sighing in defeat. “I think I need some space.”
With that, he spares Nagi one final glance and all but sprints past him. He doesn’t look back or slow his pace, even long after rounding the corner.
As it turns out, Nagi must not know what it means to give someone space, or he simply doesn’t care. Either way, Reo thinks he had to have died and gone to hell; he certainly feels like it.
He’s been making a conscious effort to avoid Nagi, which—as he soon finds out, rather reluctantly—is proving to be quite the challenge. For reasons beyond his comprehension, Nagi appears everywhere. Their school isn’t small, by any degree. Reo also has the advantage of knowing where Nagi usually is at all times, so he mistakenly assumed it would be easy not to come across him at all today.
But Nagi must’ve adjusted his schedule. Either that, or he’s resolutely resorted to following Reo around. Reo doesn’t understand him. Does he think it’s just another normal day? Has he forgotten what happened yesterday?
Reo scoffs at himself as he walks into the locker room to change into his football gear. Of course he’s the only one affected by this whole ordeal. Why is he even surprised? He expected this. It’s no wonder that Nagi is unaware of Reo’s heart clenching every time he sees him, or the way every bone in his body aches and screams when Nagi comes too close for comfort.
It doesn’t help that Nagi isn’t actually speaking to him—save for a casually spoken good morning—instead, he spends more time and energy staring at him, like Reo’s a puzzle he can’t quite figure out.
Speaking of, Reo feels his stare, even now, boring into his back. It scalds him. He ties his hair up with sweaty hands. Has it always been this hot in here?
Needless to say, practice doesn’t go well.
The whole team notices the shift in the atmosphere. It’s hard not to when the two aces don’t score a single goal, despite their usual flawless synergy. Reo tries not to let things affect his playing, but he misses every pass anyway.
The final straw is drawn when Reo kicks the ball in the complete opposite direction of Nagi (even though he was in the most ideal position). He watches forlornly and helplessly as the ball bounces over the fence and rolls down the hill, disappearing into the bushes. He’s left staring after it in a trance.
He snaps back to reality when the loud blowing of a whistle cuts into his ears. When he turns around, he’s met with the disapproving glare of his coach. “What’s the matter with you today, Mikage?”
Reo has no response. He can’t even think of a viable excuse to justify himself. Sighing, his coach pinches the bridge of his nose and mutters, “Never mind, let’s stop here for today.”
Feeling a distinct breath of relief escape him, Reo makes for the locker room, hoping he can sneak out quickly before his coach notices. But his luck must really be down these days because he barely makes it two steps before getting stopped by his coach’s voice.
“Mikage Reo, I hope you’re not planning to leave without bringing that ball back.”
…There it was. He should’ve known better than to try to get past his coach’s keen senses. He feels slightly annoyed but decides it’s probably the least he could do, in light of his questionable performance—or lack thereof—the last thirty minutes.
“‘Course not, coach,” He says hastily, with the most innocent smile he can muster.
Reo dashes towards the small gate at the back of the fence. Unsurprisingly, the ball is nowhere to be seen. He supposes this might take a while. At the very least, it gives him an excuse not to see Nagi before he leaves. He thinks he might have lost it if he had to walk home with him.
He knows he’s being pathetic. It’s now gotten to the point where he can’t even focus on football. How can he, when it just reminds him of Nagi? He can no longer earnestly pass the ball to him without feeling a twisted mix of guilt and dread. It’s not that their relationship has changed much. Nagi, for his part, seems to be willing to act like everything’s normal.
No, the truth is, Reo’s the only one putting a strain between them. He could pretend to be fine and keep everything the same. He knows Nagi would be willing to forget about it all if Reo asked him. Except—he can’t. His heart aches around him. It makes him wonder why. Why he’s not good enough. Why he couldn’t be the one to change Nagi’s mind about love. Why he has to be the only one to experience these feelings.
He envies Nagi a little. He doesn’t know what it’s like to want more. He’s perfectly content with the way things are, instead of longing for something different, something just out of reach.
He doesn’t know what it’s like to be utterly, stupidly, and profoundly in love. But, Reo does. He wants too much. He secretly wishes that every touch, every word, every silent gesture would mean something more. It never will, though, and the thought of it pains him so much that he feels his heart crack, like a weathered fragment of stone.
Belatedly, he feels a wetness in his eyes and realises he’s crying. He wipes his face with the hem of his shirt, thankful for the cool breeze on his chest as he does so. His thoughts are interrupted when he hears the faint snap of a twig. He lets go of his shirt and stills when he sees who’s standing in front of him.
Their eyes meet for a fraction of a second before Nagi averts his gaze, opting to stare at a bush instead. He almost looks—shy? Reo doesn’t have much time to dwell on it before a ball comes flying in his direction. Scrambling, he barely manages to catch it in time.
He’s surprised when he looks down at the ball and puts two and two together. Did Nagi find it for him? Even though it’s clearly a hassle to go out of his way to do something like that? He feels like he might be sick.
“...Thanks,” He manages. Nagi just nods curtly.
The silence stretches on uncomfortably. Reo keeps his eyes trained down at the ball in his hands, but he can see Nagi shifting from one foot to the other in his peripheral vision.
Unbidden, Reo feels a surge of frustration rise up inside of him. Nagi doesn’t get to act like this. Not when Reo feels like his whole world has completely shifted.
“Oi, Nagi.” Nagi looks at him. Reo can’t tell what he’s thinking. “What’s your deal? Don’t you know when someone wants to be left alone?”
Nagi flinches, almost imperceptibly, at the harshness of Reo’s tone. He gets frustrated easily, sure, but he’s never directed it towards Nagi. It feels foreign, but then again, everything concerning Nagi seems to be these days.
“I—” Nagi’s eyes harden, his lips forming a thin line. “No, what’s your deal? Why are you acting so weird?”
Reo’s eyes widen. Is he being serious? He knew Nagi could be a little dense sometimes, but this is a whole other level.
“What are you talking about? You heard what I said yesterday, didn’t you?”
Nagi’s eyes are expressionless as they burn through Reo, picking him apart. “That doesn’t explain anything.”
“Nagi, I’m in love with you, you don’t think that’s weird?” Reo exclaims in exasperation.
“So? I’m not.” Nagi says. He looks bored now. “What’s the big deal?”
Reo’s breath hitches. He feels his heart sink. He knew Nagi didn’t love him back, but it hurt to hear him say it so casually with that indifferent countenance, like he was commenting on the weather and not his best friend's feelings for him. It sends a stream of rage through him.
“I can’t fucking believe you, you know? Do you ever think about how I feel?” Faintly, he registers the droplets pouring down on him. He didn’t notice when it started raining. His voice drops low. “It hurts to be around you.” He clutches the ball so hard that his knuckles turn white. It’s the only thing that grounds him.
“But it doesn’t make sense, Reo. I don’t care about all of that, so why can’t we just be friends?”
I don’t want to just be friends. He thinks desperately. Stupid. He’s so stupid. His anger shifts into something akin to despair.
“I just can’t, it’s not the same for me as it is for you. I’m not sure if you know this, but people like having their feelings reciprocated.” Reo feels his eyes sting, and for once, he’s thankful for the rain.
Nagi huffs. It’s almost childish. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”
Love me. “Nothing.” Please, love me. “Don’t do anything. Seriously, we should stay away from each other for now.” Reo says before he even registers his mouth moving. He feels like he’s watching himself from afar.
Nagi doesn’t say anything for a moment. It’s almost like he’s looking through him, rather than at him. His expression doesn’t waver once, as he says, “You’re being such a hassle, Reo.”
Reo’s stomach drops at that. His hands are trembling, and he would’ve dropped the ball if it weren’t for the fact that he was clinging onto it tightly enough to break bones. He vaguely perceives the tears rolling down his cheeks, steadily washing away with the rain. His head spins. He wants to scream.
Once, there was a time when Nagi looked at him warmly, like Reo was the sun itself, and told him, “Being with you is never a hassle.” Reo had felt proud back then. He felt special. He almost laughs now, looking back. He should’ve known he was nothing to Nagi. He was just another person among eight billion others.
Reo musters all the strength remaining in him to will his mouth into a small smile. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
Nagi’s face remains unchanged. Reo only feels a little disappointed. A hollow feeling makes its way into his chest. Then, Nagi suddenly turns around and starts to walk away.
A wave of panic rushes through him as he stares at Nagi’s retreating back. He pushes it down and stays quiet. He doesn’t call out to him or beg him to stay. He stays put, even when all he wants to do is to run after him and apologise—to say, yeah, let’s just be friends, and for everything to go back to normal. But for some reason, he doesn’t have it in him to move.
He stands still, even long after Nagi’s left. There’s a dull ache in his chest. The familiarity of it provides him with a twisted sense of comfort.
In light of recent events, Reo concludes that he’s incredibly unlucky.
After that eventful day, he came down with a terrible fever. It’s to be expected, seeing as he stood in the rain for a very unhealthy amount of time. It’s been almost a week since then. A part of him feels grateful that he doesn’t have to go to school.
He feels just as miserable as he did when he first got sick. He can no longer tell if it’s the fever or simply his heart breaking.
A quick glance at the clock tells Reo that it’s 12:51 am. The moonlight streaming through his windows casts a quiet gleam on the floor; a dull luminescent glow against the backdrop of the blackness hugging every square inch of his room. He must’ve forgotten to close the curtains before falling asleep.
He gropes with the covers in search of his phone. He turned it off a few days ago. Partly because he was scared that Nagi was going to try contacting him. More so because he was scared that he wouldn’t.
It takes him a few more seconds before finding his phone under his pillow. When he turns it on, he’s momentarily blinded and scrambles to turn the brightness down. He winces at the number of notifications he has. Most of them are texts from his teammates and various friends asking if he was alright. None of them seems to be too worried about getting an answer. He scoffs a little at their mock concern.
He opens his phone app, which turns out to be his biggest mistake. His eyes widen, and he drops his phone in surprise. He rubs his cheek, hissing at the pain. Picking up his phone, he blinks a few times in disbelief. Maybe he succumbed to his fever and is now dreaming in the afterlife. Still, no matter what he did, the screen didn’t change, and he couldn’t deny what he was seeing.
38 missed calls from Nagi.
A hysterical part of him laughs. He thought he had told him not to do anything. He clearly stated that they shouldn’t speak to one another. But then again, when has Nagi ever respected Reo’s wishes?
Nevertheless, Nagi’s not one to call multiple times. Usually, if Reo doesn’t pick up the first time, he’ll just leave it at that. He barely has time to process his shock when his phone starts ringing. He flinches and almost drops it again. Sure enough, it’s none other than Nagi.
He gapes a little when he takes in the time. He should let it ring out and just go to sleep. The fever must be messing with his head, though, because for some reason, he hesitatingly presses accept.
(Deep down, he knows the fever has nothing to do with it. He barely even has a fever anymore. But what he does have—and probably always will—is a weak spot for Nagi. He’d never be able to turn him away.)
Reo presses the phone against his ears with shaky hands. “Hello?” The line is dead silent, and he wonders if it didn’t connect after all. He’s just about to double-check when a faint voice whispers, “Reo?”
He inhales sharply at how softly Nagi had said his name. Catching himself, he shakes his head and remembers that it’s late. Nagi’s obviously just tired, which is making his voice drowsy. Of course, that’s the only plausible explanation.
“I’m pretty sure I told you to stay away from me,” Reo teases. It is late, and Reo’s tired. He blames that for the tiny smile playing at his lips and the rush of relief that floods him. Despite everything, he’ll never be able to shake the blanket of warmth that engulfs him every time Nagi talks to him.
“You—” There’s shuffling on the other end. “You haven’t been coming to school.”
He pauses briefly. Did Nagi think he hadn’t been coming to school because of him?
“I’ve been sick. I’m better now, don’t worry.”
“Ah,” replies Nagi, sounding a little uncertain of himself.
Reo shifts to a sitting position, causing the blankets to fall away. He doesn’t notice the lack of warmth.
For a moment, there’s no sound other than the quiet in and out of Nagi’s breath. Reo lets himself soak in the comfort of Nagi’s presence for a second longer before the tension becomes too much for him to bear.
He might as well get this over with. He exhales a long breath that he didn’t know he was holding and tiredly asks, “Why are you calling, Nagi?” He doesn’t want to know the answer.
The reply comes fast, like he was waiting for Reo to ask. “I need you.”
Any semblance of normalcy still left in Reo’s mind is stamped out in a flash. An unpleasant mixture of annoyance and hurt swells up inside him. It’s not fair—he doesn’t get to just say something like that so easily. Like it doesn’t pierce through Reo’s heart with the force of a thousand needles. He’s suddenly and painfully reminded of why exactly he is in his current state.
Nagi, ever unattuned to the feelings of others, continues—
“I don’t go to practice without you. There’s no one to carry me around or feed me,” Nagi says. Reo can hear the dejected frown in his voice. Frustration bubbles up in the pits of his stomach. Leave it to Nagi to think only about himself.
“So, you only want me around to take care of you?” Reo says bitterly. “You can do that yourself.”
Nagi falls silent. Reo’s heartbeat quickens, and he runs his hand through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down. Eventually, he lets out a sound, somewhere between a sigh and a grunt. “I’m hanging up.”
“Wait, don’t—”
Reo doesn’t let him finish. “Goodnight, Nagi.”
“Just—” Nagi’s voice quivers faintly. It makes Reo pause. His mouth feels dry. “Listen to me.”
He’s not quite begging, but his hurried tone betrays his desperation. Something in Reo dies a little. Against his better judgment, he keeps his phone pressed up to his ear, listening.
After a beat, Nagi seems to realise that Reo did not, in fact, hang up. When he speaks again, his voice is low, and Reo strains to hear him. “I really don’t like this, Reo. I want to talk to you. I need you by my side, like you always are.”
“I told you already, Nagi, I c—”
“Don’t say you can’t.”
Reo tries to think of a way to justify himself, but he finds that he’s unable to. As much as he tries to convince himself otherwise, he’s struggling without Nagi. Everything feels just that much duller. But he pushes that thought aside. This is for the best.
He opens his mouth to say as much, but shuts it suddenly. It’s for the best? But for whom exactly? He’s a complete mess right now and still pathetically pining after someone who doesn’t want him. As far as he can tell, Nagi isn’t having the best of times either. If that’s the case—
He can’t help but laugh a little at himself. He wants to be friends with Nagi, but he also can’t bear the constant reminder that his love is unrequited. But really, if he’s being honest, he’d rather have Nagi in any way he can than not at all. He’s selfish, but not enough to let go of him. Reo needs him too, perhaps more than Nagi will ever understand. If being friends with him means that he’ll have that sinking feeling in his chest and a persistent whisper of doubt in his mind, then he’ll bear it. It’s nothing that Reo can’t handle; after all, he’s in love with Nagi.
Nagi is his weakness. His Achilles’ heel. One day, he’ll truly be his undoing. He just hopes that when the day comes, he’ll have something waiting for him on the other side.
“Okay.”
There’s a distinct pause. “Okay?” Nagi repeats, sounding uncharacteristically hesitant. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m saying, let’s be friends then.” Reo turns towards the window, taking in the dazzling sight of Japan at nighttime. The sky is mostly dark, but he can see slight speckles of stars amongst the nothingness. They’re small, but they shine fiercely, as if determined to be seen. It’s a demand and a plea. “But, there’s just one thing.”
“...Anything,” Nagi whispers, more delicately than Reo ever thought he could be.
“I want to try and move on. So, we can’t hang out as much as we did before.” Reo says with dizzying effort. He shuts his eyes tightly. “And please don’t mention any of this again.” He doesn’t clarify what this is. He doesn’t need to—he knows Nagi understands.
“Okay,” Nagi sighs, much happier than before.
Reo forces himself to smile as he mutters back a weak, “Okay.” He hopes his tone doesn’t betray the stabbing in his chest. He doesn’t have the heart to admit that he isn’t sure if he can move on. He thinks he might love Nagi forever. It might simmer down, but it’ll never fade completely. But for now, he wants to believe it—for both their sakes.
Nagi hums in satisfaction. He yawns, and Reo is aware of the fact that it’s well past one in the morning. He feels bad for keeping Nagi up this late. “Go to sleep, it’s late.” He hesitates a little, stomach twisting as he adds, “Sorry for being a hassle.” He lets out a chuckle, hoping it covers up whatever’s underneath.
“You’re…” Nagi trails off. “I didn’t mean that, you know.”
Reo doesn’t believe him, but he nods anyway. Then, remembering that Nagi can’t see him, he simply says, “I know. Goodnight.”
He doesn’t wait for a response before disconnecting the call. Flopping back onto the bed, he lets his phone drop from his hand onto the mattress. He’ll struggle to find it again tomorrow, he’s sure. He vaguely wonders if he should close the curtains. With one last look at the sky, he decides against it and closes his eyes.
That night, Reo dreams about white hair and grey eyes.
Fuck, he thinks as he stirs. This might be harder than he thought.
After that phone call, he doesn’t exactly avoid Nagi. He hangs around and talks to him like normal, but he does make sure to put some distance between them. Reo no longer puts his arm around his shoulders or carries him around. Actually, he takes great care not to touch him at all. He’s certain that the electrifying buzz of Nagi’s skin against his won’t be doing him any favours for his goal of moving on.
He might be deluding himself into believing that he can move on. But Reo doesn’t think too hard about it. He focuses his attention on being normal with Nagi, while also keeping him at a safe arms length away.
He groans and puts his head in his hands. Unfortunately, he is too aware of the fact that feelings don’t just disappear overnight.
Sometimes, he wishes that he had just fallen in love with someone else. Maybe, he’d be going on dates to amusement parks and sharing drinks with heart-shaped straws. Instead, he’s in too deep for his best friend. He truly can’t believe that he once thought himself to be lucky—
“—eo, Reo.”
Reo looks up lazily and squints at the figure standing above him. He’s close to screaming when he registers who the grey eyes staring back at him belongs to. He is definitely unlucky. He foolishly thought that he could escape Nagi by sitting on the stairs outside.
“I’ve been looking for you, why are you here today?” Nagi’s brows are furrowed in question. He takes a seat next to Reo, much too close for comfort. Reo inches away as discreetly as he can. Then, much to his dismay, Nagi moves closer. His presence is stifling.
Reo clasps his palms together, trying to ignore how sweaty they’ve become. “I wanted to get some fresh air,” he lies brazenly, looking at anything but the boy beside him.
“Are you still sick? Your face is really red,” asks Nagi, voice full of concern. Reo has never wanted to die more. “Don’t get another fever. I’m lonely without you.”
Reo is amazed that he can still breathe. He tries to keep his tone casual when he talks, but his reply comes out in a croak. “I…” He clears his throat. “I’m fine, Nagi.”
The affirmation doesn’t seem to satiate Nagi’s worry. Before Reo can fully comprehend the situation, Nagi is reaching towards him, palm outstretched. It stops to rest against his forehead, in a gesture that’s much too tender for someone like Nagi.
Maybe he does still have that fever. His forehead burns where Nagi is touching him. He resist the urge to slap his hand away—he couldn’t bear making Nagi upset right now.
“You’re a bit warm, Reo. You should get a check-up.”
“Nagi—stop, I’m really okay. Don’t worry about me.”
Nagi frowns a little, but backs away (finally). Reo exhales a small sigh of relief, and stops himself from groaning again.
Later that day, they’re walking to practice together when they’re stopped by a girl in the year below; her friend in tow behind her.
Reo measures the distance between them, wondering if he’d get away with running to the locker room as fast as possible. When the girl opens her mouth to say something, he quietly accepts defeat and prays that this will end quickly.
“Hi, Mikage-senpai!” The first girl says, much too bubbly for a Thursday evening. “Sorry for disturbing you but—“ She grabs her friend’s hand, pulling her forwards so that she’s facing Reo. “—my friend here wants to tell you something.” Reo feels Nagi stiffen beside him. He raises an eyebrow at him, but he’s looking intensely at the girl’s friend. Is he… glaring at her?
She whispers something in a hushed, but hurried tone to her friend and takes a few steps back, pretending to look at something in the distance. Reo knows she’s really listening to every word spoken.
The friend is visibly nervous. She takes a few deep breaths and says loudly, “I like you Mikage-senpai! Will you go out with me?” Reo feels a headache coming on. It’s mean, but he honestly is sick of constantly rejecting every confession he receives. He feels bad for the girls—who no doubt built up a lot of courage to approach him—but it gets tiring after the first twenty times.
Steeling himself, Reo prepares to reply with his usual rejection speech but then—
“He doesn’t want to,” Nagi interjects, voice tight. “We’re busy, so goodbye.” Reo barely processes what’s just happened before he feel a hand grab his own, and he’s getting pulled away rapidly.
He doesn’t see the expression that befalls either of the girls—he’s much too focused on the steady weight in his hand. He thinks that things can’t possibly get worse, but he’s swiftly proven wrong when Nagi interlocks their fingers, even though they’ve definitely walked out of the two girls’ line out of sight.
Neither of them speak, instead opting to hold hands in silence all the way to the locker rooms. It’s only when they reach the door that Reo awkwardly retracts his hand from Nagi’s hold, albeit rather reluctantly.
Nagi’s hand hovers in the air for a bit, and he stares at it in equal amounts of disbelief and wonder. Reo—for his part—focuses his gaze ahead, refusing to look down or acknowledge the events of the past ten minutes.
“Nagi…?” Reo calls out tentatively.
Nagi seems to break out of his stupor then. He looks at Reo weirdly, his usual indifference replaced by a dreamlike fascination. He breathes out a soft, “Oh,” an shakes his head.
“Let’s go,” says Nagi, apparently regaining his composure.
Reo is left trailing behind him, head spinning and mouth dry. Unsure of what else to do, he swallows down the pressure in his throat and tries to tune out the pounding in his ears.
He doesn’t understand Nagi at all. He’s never been one to be bothered about getting to practice on time. But at the same time, he has also never sent such a deadly stare to any of the girls who have confessed to Reo in the past. In fact, he’s always given off the impression that he was unbothered by it, especially after all the times he’d witnessed a confession first-hand.
Reo tries to think of a reasonable explanation, and his brain can only supply him with one unhelpful conclusion: Nagi is jealous.
Which is simply—impossible. Nagi? Jealous? Yeah. No. Reo thinks hell might freeze over before that possibility ever became a reality. Besides, he doesn’t even like Reo. Why in the world would he be jealous over something like this?
Reo has to stop himself from laughing like a maniac. The idea is just preposterous! But then again, what other reason could there be for Nagi’s odd behaviour?
Nagi stops abruptly and Reo halts his step to avoid running right into him. His curiosity only heightens further when he notices the nervous glances that Nagi keeps casting in his direction.
“Hey, is everything okay…?” Reo asks cautiously.
Nagi turns to face him, looking uncharacteristically hesitant. “Don’t accept any of those confessions, okay?”
Reo jolts a little at his demanding tone, surprised by his words. “I—What?” He blinks at the other boy in sheer disbelief. “What are you talking about?”
“Just… Don’t show up one day with a girlfriend.” Nagi shifts awkwardly and coughs into his hand. “Or a boyfriend,” he quickly adds, looking fixedly at the pristine white floor of the locker room.
Reo tries to reply but he can’t do more than open and close his mouth like a blubbering fish. Is he hearing him right? Nagi has never had any problems with Reo’s potential love life before, so why now?
An ugly feeling rises up inside him against his will. Nagi is the one who rejected him and now he’s preventing him from dating anyone else? It’s true that he probably wouldn’t want to be with anyone else anyway, but this must mean that the prospect of Reo being happy is something that’s bothersome to Nagi.
“Why?” He challenges, crossing his arms with a guarded look.
Nagi doesn’t seem to have anything to say, judging by the furrow in his brows and the way he continues to avert his gaze from Reo’s own fierce one.
After a long second of silence, Nagi sighs and reluctantly says, “I don’t like it.”
“I can see that, but why?”
“I don’t know.”
Reo can tell that Nagi is silently hoping that he’ll drop the subject. A part of him wants to grant him that solace but a bitter and much bigger part of him wants to push him for answers.
“But—“
He’s cut off by the sound of the door opening and the rest of their football team waltzing in, loudly chattering amongst themselves. Silently cursing, Reo turns away and starts to get changed.
He doesn’t look back at Nagi, and if he puts a little more distance between them during practice, that’s nobody’s business but his own.
At the end of practice, their coach reminds them for the hundredth time that they’ll be playing a match against a school in Chiba tomorrow.
Reo tunes out his subsequent speech on getting enough sleep and doing their best. His attention diverts to Nagi—as it often does—but when he glimpses over, he is met with grey eyes already looking at him. Involuntarily, his cheeks heat up and he looks away hastily.
When the coach finally dismisses them, Reo hurries home without waiting for Nagi to catch up.
Later that night, he mulls over the whole situation in bed. He knows he’s being a bit petty about this but he thinks he’s pretty justified if he’s being completely frank. It’s not fair for Nagi to tell him not to date anyone when they both know that Reo is in love with him.
Reo isn’t entirely stupid. He knows that it’s impossible to move on. The idea of dating anyone but Nagi is so unappealing to him that he’d rather remain as best friends than have anyone else stand in the place reserved for Nagi in his heart.
He grimaces at how pathetic his thoughts sound. It’s unfortunate that he’ll be spending a large portion of the day tomorrow by Nagi’s side, but he’s thankful that he’s alone right now.
That is, until he isn’t. Because Nagi shoots him a text that simply reads, I’m outside, and Reo has to pinch the bridge of his nose to stop himself from screaming.
He makes his way out of bed, taking slow and heavy steps. He momentarily entertains a fantasy in which he tells Nagi to go home and sleep, then slams the door in his face. A miserable voice in his head tells him that he’d never be able to actually do that.
His hand hovers over the doorknob. He takes a few deep breaths, steeling himself before opening the door in one swift pull.
Sure enough, Nagi is standing out in the hallway. Reo has no doubt that Ba-ya gave him the keycard for the elevator. Though it’s not often that Nagi comes to his house, so he’s fairly surprised he remembered which floor his room was on.
He’s wearing casual clothes—a white jacket that’s zipped up to his chin, and black joggers. Reo scans him from top to bottom and notices that his white hair seems to be more tussled than usual and he’s sporting two mismatched socks.
“It’s eleven o’clock, Nagi,” Reo says, giving him a deadpan stare.
“You’re mad at me,” he says flatly, ignoring Reo’s previous statement.
“I’m not—“ Reo runs his hands down his face, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. “I’m not mad at you.”
“Yes, you are,” Nagi accuses in an impassive manner. Reo decides that he’s too tired to deal with this. They have an important match tomorrow that he needs to be up at five in the morning for. With this in mind, he clears his throat and says, “Fine, so what if I am? It doesn’t matter, so can we talk about this tomorrow?”
Nagi’s expression falters, and he inhales sharply. His eyes look askance at Reo and he squints at him narrowly in disapproval.
“Tell me now,” Nagi demands haphazardly. Reo feels uncomfortable under his scrutiny, and he debates with himself for all but five seconds before giving in—if only to get Nagi to go home so he can go to sleep as soon as possible.
“What’s your problem with it?” Reo musters out. When Nagi only raises an eyebrow at him with barely concealed confusion, he rephrases his question. “I mean, why did you tell me not to accept any confessions? Shouldn’t you be happy if I did? We both know I’m—“
Reo cuts himself off abruptly but the unspoken words linger in the air. In love with you. Trying to move on.
Nagi bows his head down and has the decency to look at least a little apologetic. “It’s not that,” he finally says. He fiddles with his zipper, pulling his collar out to tuck his chin in his jacket. “I don’t want you to leave again.” His voice is muffled and Reo has to strain to hear him.
Fuck. Reo doesn’t know how Nagi can say such things so casually. Crossing his arms, he leans against the doorframe and says in a quiet voice, “Okay.”
A forced grin spreads across his face with an air of relaxation that he doesn’t feel. He takes a moment to ensure that his voice won’t come out shaky before adding, louder this time, “I won’t.”
“Promise?”
Nagi is looking back at him with an odd sort of hesitation.
“I promise.”
Nagi nods, small and feeble. He buries his hands in his pockets and stares down at his feet. He must finally notice his mismatched socks because he lifts his feet up with a frown. The sight amuses Reo, and he can’t help the subtle snicker that escapes him.
Nagi’s head swivels up so fast that Reo jumps a little. Wide-eyed, he stares fixedly at Reo. Feeling somewhat self-conscious from Nagi’s gawking, he fiddles with the hem of his shirt while pointedly avoiding direct eye contact with the other boy. Silence envelops them until it’s broken by Reo awkwardly clearing his throat.
“You should go home, it’s late.” Reo emphasises his point by vaguely gesturing at the window behind him, where a clear view of the night sky can be seen.
Nagi snaps out of his stupor at that. “Yeah,” he says breathily. Reo swallows hard and fights back the urge to scream. “I’ll get going now.”
Nagi reaches forward, and Reo instinctively flinches back. He doesn’t exactly mean to, but he hasn’t had any physical contact with Nagi for a long time and he doesn’t think he could handle it again right now.
Nagi’s hand is still outstretched in the air between them. Reo doesn’t know what he was trying to do, but whatever it was, he’s glad that he didn’t get a chance to do it.
It would be a lie to say that Reo doesn’t miss Nagi’s touch. He considers himself quite a physical person, so the distance between them feels unnatural and strange.
It’s for the best, he reminds himself, but he isn’t sure if he fully believes that anymore. After all, his feelings aren’t diminishing; instead, they seem to be intensifying, if that’s even possible.
He stares at Nagi’s hand hovering half-way up, like he’s not sure what to do with it. It would be so easy to reach out with his own hand and—
“Right,” says Reo, louder than he intended. “Goodnight, Nagi. Get home safe.”
He quickly shuts the door before Nagi can say anything back. He lets out a groan as he turns around and leans against it.
I need some sleep. With one final thought, he makes his way back to his room, already dreading the day tomorrow.
Nagi yawns again for what must be the hundredth time in just ten minutes. Reo glances at him from the corner of his eye. He’s lazily tapping away on his phone, playing some game or other. His head is lolling and he looks like he’ll doze off any second.
Reo turns his attention back to the window on his left, bringing his arm up to lean against it and resting his hand on his cheek.
The bus rattles underneath them. There’s a hushed murmur every now and then but it’s generally quiet, with most people deciding to catch some extra sleep before the match.
Reo idly watches the blur of trees as they drive past. He couldn’t fall asleep now even if he wanted to. Nagi shifts beside him and he tenses, hyper aware of his every movement.
“I’m going to sleep,” Nagi mutters, tucking his phone away in his pocket and slumping down a little in his seat.
Reo doesn’t respond. They’re passing by a large field and he can see the tell-tale blue shimmer of the ocean on the horizon. It sparkles against the rising sun, the rays reflecting on its surface. It’s beautiful, and for the first time in a while, he feels himself calming down.
He spends the next few minutes gazing at the view and listening to the steady in and out of Nagi’s breath beside him. When he’s sure that Nagi is fast asleep, he finally turns his focus towards him.
Reo observes his best friend’s sleeping frame. He looks so peaceful like this, as opposed to the recent tension in his brow and odd look of something in his eyes. Reo thinks that he could possibly decipher its meaning if he tried hard enough, but he’s been avoiding any and all risks of eye contact with Nagi lately, so that might prove to be a challenge.
His heart jumps when Nagi’s eyelashes flutter slightly and he looks away swiftly, focusing once again on the view outside. The scenery shifts as the ocean is covered up by a long row of trees. Trying not to feel disappointed, Reo decides to close his eyes for a bit. If he had to admit it, he truly was exhausted. He didn’t get much sleep the night before because someone came knocking at his door and effectively distracted him enough so that his every thought became utterly consumed with a myriad of confusing questions and unrealistic fantasies.
Reo wishes that he could be half as unbothered as Nagi is by everything. He acts like everything is normal for the most part, as if there isn’t a gaping chasm of tension between them. Though, Reo would have to admit, Nagi is acting weirder and weirder everyday. The possible explanations that his brain keeps coming up with are of no use whatsoever. It’s simply unimaginable to even consider the possibility of Nagi liking him back. Unfortunately, he’s struggling to think of other ways to rationalise Nagi’s actions and words sometimes. It’s like he’s purposefully making it as hard as possible for Reo to move on.
Reo’s line of thought stops dead in its tracks when he feels a soft plop on his shoulder. Afraid to glance over, he stares fixedly out the window while his body stiffens imperceptibly. He holds still, not daring to move a single muscle. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches a flash of white hair beside his cheek, and his heart speeds up so much that he may as well have just ran a marathon.
It’s the first direct form of physical contact that he’s had with Nagi for a long time, and Reo thinks he might implode on the spot. He briefly considers gently pushing him off, but that idea dissipates when Nagi leans in closer, basically snuggling him as if he’s a giant koala clinging onto a branch. Reo forgot how much he missed having Nagi pressed against him; so close he could feel the other’s chest rise and fall in complete sync with his own. He feels warm and comfortable and he hates himself a little for it.
He slowly turns to get a proper look at the white-haired boy. He’s fast asleep and Reo lets out a small sigh of relief. Resigning himself to his fate, Reo tries to relax. He’s all good. It’s cool. This is casual. Everything’s just fine.
He doesn’t know how it’s possible but Nagi presses in even closer, completely absorbed in his space. Reo’s fingers waver above his head. Nagi’s asleep, so it’s fine, right? He won’t ever know, so Reo can allow himself to be a little selfish for once, right?
Hesitantly, he moves his hand down into his best friend’s hair and slowly cards his fingers through the strands. Nagi lets out a small hum that makes Reo freeze. A few seconds pass but there is no indication that Nagi is awake, so Reo resumes his still unsure movements. His body is slumped in complete relaxation and he seems almost… content. Like Reo’s shoulder is the most comfortable place in the world. It does nothing to ease Reo’s ever-present anxiety.
Reo vaguely notes how soft Nagi’s hair is. He combs through the knots gently with one hand, and a wave of adoration washes over him as he stares at the boy he loves; a feeling so intense he has to stop and take a moment to collect himself to prevent him from reeling back. Swallowing hard, he rests his head in Nagi’s hair and his eyes gradually fall shut. He’s suddenly overcome by fatigue, like all the exhaustion from last night that had been creeping up on him sets in all at once.
Reo’s own head steadily drops to the side, landing on Nagi’s. His last thought is, pathetically, how he wished he could live in this moment forever, before everything faded to black.
“-eo.”
Is someone calling him?
“Hey, Reo.”
Yeah, someone’s definitely calling him.
He drowsily blinks open his eyes, taking in his surroundings. For a moment, he forgets where he is. His sleep-addled mind drawing a temporary blank until—
“Reo, we’re here.” Reo doesn’t respond. When the silence drags on for longer than is considered comfortable, he finally shifts around and lifts his head to stretch—Wait. Lifts his head?
Feeling appalled and slightly disoriented, he glances from Nagi’s shoulder to his own body, still leaning towards the other boy. Then, like a wave breaking through a dam, realisation dawns on him, and he decides that this is the most horrifying moment of his life. Yeah, they’ve officially broken their unspoken agreement of ‘no touching’. Reo almost screams, but everyone is filing off the bus, and his thoughts are quickly preoccupied instead by the match that awaits them.
When they make it to the locker room and start to get ready, their coach enters with a fierce demeanor. Reo tunes out his subsequent speech—about how they need to work together to crush the other team when in reality he means “work together to get the ball to Nagi and Reo”—in favour of thinking about his new strategy. One that doesn’t involve Nagi. He had been planning this for a while, or rather, ever since he was rejected by Nagi. He’s had a lot of time to think, okay?
He figures that if he’s going to try and fall out of love with the boy his entire life has been intertwined with, he needs to carry that same energy in soccer too. Instead of passing to Nagi, he’s been focusing on scoring the ball himself by using Nagi’s moves. It hasn’t been easy, and this is going to be his first time actually executing this new method on the field.
He shakes his limbs out and does a few stretches, mentally preparing himself. For this to work, he needs to be selfish for once. Reo looks up and meets Nagi’s eyes from across the room. He holds his gaze for a second before looking away, a knot already forming in his stomach.
“Let’s give ‘em hell!”
A cheer sounds through the locker room, and Reo takes a deep breath.
The whistle blows for half-time. The team gathers around the coach, and they receive a mix of motivation and pointers. They’re tied 1-1, which should be unusual as Nagi normally scores a hat trick within the first half of the game, but the truth is, the other team is much stronger than they had anticipated. Reo could place all the blame on that fact, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. Though they did severely underestimate their opponents, Reo also hasn’t been passing to Nagi with the same confidence as he usually does. He’s weighed down by the odd feeling that he’s somehow betraying Nagi just by thinking of this new strategy—which he has decided to name Chameleon—and it’s affecting his ability to make passes. He kicks himself a little for letting his inner conflict interfere with his game.
When the whistle blows again, his mind is made up. As the game continues, he finds his rhythm. He weaves through the field with practised elegance, using the methods of his teammates to push him past anyone in his path. It feels freeing in a way. He almost thinks he might be having a lot of fun.
He faces the same tricky defender who has been no less than an annoying thorn in their side. He knows Nagi is behind him; he can feel it. On a normal day, he would pass the ball to the other boy, but this moment is for him, and him only.
Reo’s breaths come out slow and steady, and he stares directly at his opponent. Neither his body nor his face betrays the secret pounding in his chest. He’s anxious, but above all, he’s excited. It’s this excitement that pushes him forward. He manoeuvres his feet and lifts his leg.
He thinks that time slows down. It’s like he’s moving in slow motion as he does a perfect copy of Nagi’s strike, brought about only by how well he knows Nagi and his pure admiration for his best friend’s skills. His blood thrums in his veins, and he can hear the drumming of his heart in his ears. It’s a brave move that he only ever attempted once in training.
He watches as the ball inches ever so slowly into the goal. He’s vaguely aware of the other team shouting, as all attempts to intercept the ball are in vain. Reo waits, and waits, and waits. It’s silent for a moment until—
“GOAAAAAALLLLL!!!”
The whistle blows, and Reo scores. He barely has time to process what just happened because his team surrounds him, patting him on the back and praising his goal. Predictably, he notices the absence of a certain white-haired boy. Reo looks around the field and spots him. He’s in the same spot that he was in when Reo scored the goal. Nagi’s just… standing there, looking dazed. His eyes appear to be entirely unfocused, and he has a strange look on his face. He must feel Reo’s heavy gaze because he finally looks up and they make eye contact.
Suddenly, everyone on the field disappears and it’s just the two of them, staring right at each other. It’s like Nagi sees him. Really sees him. Something about the expression on Nagi’s face gives Reo pause. There’s an unfamiliar emotion in his eyes, but Reo can’t pinpoint what it is. Either way, it makes his heart speed up even more, and he can feel an unbidden heat rushing to his face.
The whistle blows once again to announce the continuation of the game, and the moment ends, leaving Reo both disappointed and flustered.
The last ten minutes pass in a blur. Nagi ends up scoring one last goal, and they win the match.
As they make their way back to the locker room, there is an excited buzz throughout the team. There’s mention of a celebratory party of some sort, but Reo is entirely too focused on staring at Nagi. He’s always pretty quiet, but there’s a pensiveness to him now. Instead of choosing to stay silent as talking is a hassle, he seems to be lost in thought. Reo wants to ask him about it but he hesitates.
He doesn’t get the chance to decide, however, as he’s suddenly cornered by one of his teammates. “Hey, you’re coming right?”
“Coming? To what?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t hear anything we just said.”
Reo does a confused frown before remembering. “You mean the party?”
“Yes, dude! The party,” his teammate says with a wild glint in his eyes. “You gotta come, you’re like, the MVP. That was a crazy goal you pulled off back there.”
Reo feels his face heat up at the mention of his goal, but his embarrassment is trumped by a swell of pride in his stomach. So he nods and says, “Sure, I’ll be there.”
His agreement is met by a chorus of cheers and applause. He can feel someone staring at him and he turns around to see Nagi, who immediately averts his gaze when caught. Reo stands confused for a moment but then someone else quickly approaches Nagi and invites him to the party. Reo expects him to say no, like he always does. They have celebratory parties sometimes after matches if there’s a free house. Reo attends most of them but Nagi is never there so he gets bored easily. Despite Nagi’s refusal to attend any of these parties, their teammates never stop asking. Reo doesn’t understand why. It’s clear that he wants to be left alone.
For a split second, Nagi’s eyes flit to Reo; a movement so quick that Reo thinks he might have just imagined it. Strangely, Nagi hesitates, but Reo can’t figure out why. Isn’t he going to reject them?
“Yeah, I’ll come.”
A pregnant pause fills the room. Everyone gapes at Nagi as if he’s suddenly grown three extra heads and started speaking French. Nagi just shrugs and packs his bag, all while being surrounded by the cheering and shouting of their teammates. Reo finds himself unable to do anything but stare on in disbelief. He doesn’t understand what’s going through Nagi’s head at all anymore. Through the chaos, Nagi’s eyes find Reo’s once again, an odd determination radiating through his stare. It’s enough to make Reo squirm and look away swiftly.
What the fuck?
The party takes place later in their teammate, Takashi’s, house. Reo has always liked his house the most, as it has three floors and it’s almost as big as his kitchen and living room combined.
When he enters, he notices that it’s not just the team here. There’s a mix of people from his school, chattering excitedly. The room quiets when Reo comes in, but immediately livens back up. Expectedly, swarms of people approach him, praising his performance in the match earlier. He silently wonders how everyone heard about it so quickly, but accepts the praise graciously. He talks and laughs for some time, before finally freeing himself from the hive of honeybees.
Reo walks around the house, where he spots a large bowl of pink liquid. He grabs one of the plastic cups on the table and uses the ladle to pour himself a splash to try before taking a cautious sip. To his surprise, it tastes very nice, though he notices the tell-tale alcoholic tinge to it.
Fuck it, he thinks. He should celebrate tonight. He really is quite proud of himself for pulling off that move. So, he pours more until the cup is full and moves away from the table to commit to his next obvious task. Finding Nagi.
Reo himself arrived to the party a little late because he had to wash his hair when he arrived home, then style it, then find an outfit to wear—which is harder than it looks.
Looking at how full the party is already, he suspects that Nagi might have arrived. Or maybe he won’t show up at all, and he really had just misheard him earlier in the locker room. Nagi? At a party? That’s the most unbelievable thing Reo has ever heard and if Nagi’s attending a party out of his own will, then he might as well reciprocate Reo’s feelings; that’s how impossible the whole concept is. Yeah, Reo misheard him and Nagi obviously isn’t coming so he can calm down and enjoy himself.
He takes a large sip of his mystery drink and walks out of the kitchen only to run straight into someone. He orientates himself and steps back to quickly usher an apology. It’s a girl from his class. What was her name again? Nami…? No, wait. It was something like Yami… Yama…?
“Reo-kun! It’s nice to see you,” the girl says.
“Oh. Yeah, you too. Sorry for bumping into you. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“That’s alright.” She straightens up and leans a little towards him. “So, I heard about your goal today.” Does everyone in Tokyo know?? “It’s really impressive.”
Reo awkwardly smiles at her. “Thanks. I’ve been practicing.” She bursts into a fit of giggles out of nowhere.
“You’re so funny, Reo-kun.”
Reo blinks in confusion. But I didn’t even say anything funny?
He politely smiles at her while thinking of a way to escape this awkward conversation. Her hand bumps against his, and he stills. She must sense his discomfort since she quickly pulls away.
“Have you finished that assignment yet?”
“No, but it’s due for next week so I was planning to do it tomorrow.”
They fall into casual conversation, though Reo still has no idea what her name is, and it’s too late to ask. She’s not bad company, and it turns out they live quite close to each other.
They’re talking about hair products when a hand suddenly lands on Reo’s shoulder. Startled, he whips his head around, only to be met with grey eyes. Ones that he would recognise anywhere. There’s a heavy silence that sits between them and only when the girl clears her throat, does Reo snap back to reality. He lets out a tiny breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. The girl looks between them with a raised brow, before excusing herself and scurrying away.
Reo watches her retreating back for a second too long because Nagi leans in and whispers in his ear, “Do you like her?”
Reo jumps at the breath that tickles his ear, and he flushes from head to toe, but he doesn’t back away. “H-Huh?”
Nagi seems to take this as an invitation to step closer, once again whispering directly into his ear. “I said, do you like her, Reo?”
Reo swallows hard. His breathing is uneven and he feels an intense thrill under his bones. “I mean, yeah. She’s nice…” He trails off, unclear on why Nagi is asking him this.
“But not like the way you like me, right?” His voice is low and the way he breathes the words causes chills to go down Reo’s neck. When the words finally register in his head, he freezes. He feels heat crawl up his face. “Right?” Nagi repeats. He’s close enough that his chest presses directly on Reo’s shoulder.
Was the room always so hot? “…Right.” He turns around fully so he can take a step back. Like this, he’s able to properly observe Nagi. That’s when he notices an almost empty plastic cup in the other’s hand, and the slight redness in his cheeks, then he realises that he had smelled alcohol a few seconds ago. “Nagi, are you drunk?”
Nagi frowns at him. “No.” Right after the word escapes his lips, he downs the rest of his drink, and sets the cup down on a table beside them. Reo gapes at him slightly. “How many cups of that did you drink?”
“I don’t know. I lost track,” Nagi says. It dawns on Reo that Nagi has never been to a party before. He also doesn’t do much of anything on a day to day basis which means… he’s never tried alcohol before, has he?
“Fuck.” Reo looks down at his own cup, which only contains about a sip, so he quickly downs it and sets it down beside Nagi’s empty one. “Are you feeling okay?”
Nagi doesn’t respond. Instead, he wobbles closer to Reo and wraps his arms around him. Reo stills, unsure of what to do. His heart is beating so fast and the room seems to be getting hotter than all the levels of hell combined. “Nagi,” he breathes. Nagi hums in acknowledgment. “Get off, come on.”
Rather than loosening his grip, he tightens his hold on Reo. “No.”
Reo looks around and sees a few people staring at them. As if this wasn’t already embarrassing enough. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, then opens them again. He uses every ounce of strength to pull Nagi off of him. When he does, he notices that his cheeks are completely flushed now. “Right. Let’s just—“
He grabs Nagi by the arm and leads him upstairs. They round a corner and he opens the door to the bathroom, and sighs in relief when he sees that it’s empty. He quickly pushes Nagi in and locks the door behind them. The music turns into a muffled drawl outside, and the newfound silence engulfs them. Nagi eyes him curiously.
“What are we doing here?”
“There were too many people downstairs,” Reo answers. He makes a vague gesture towards the toilet. “And if you’re feeling sick, there’s the toilet.”
“I don’t feel sick.”
“Not yet. But you probably will.”
“Why?”
“Well you drank a lot, and I know you didn’t eat anything.”
Nagi looks at Reo with a furrow in his brow. Somehow, he looks much older like this, flushed and emotive. Reo sighs and makes his way towards the bathtub, before plopping down on the edge. Nagi stands there, furrow still in place. Reo wants to reach forward and smooth it out, but instead, he just pats the space next to him. Nagi wastes no time in hurrying over and sitting beside him. It’s rather cute.
They haven’t talked since that morning. Or, he should say, since last night. They didn’t really speak on the bus past brief sentences. Even the conversation between them last night was strained and unnatural. Reo sighs again, wondering where it all went wrong, though he thinks he knows the answer. He wishes everyday that he could go back to that fateful day. Maybe he could’ve stood that girl up. That way, she wouldn’t have confessed at all and he could’ve kept his feelings bottled up to himself.
He lets out a frustrated groan, and bounces his leg up and down. He goes to steal a glance at Nagi only to find him already looking at him. It’s not as hot in here but his cheeks start to warm again, as he looks away.
“Don’t.” Nagi’s voice startles him and he looks back at him.
“What?”
“Don’t look away,” Nagi says.
“Okay, I won’t.”
They stare at each other for a while. It occurs to Reo that they haven’t made proper eye contact in a really long time. The weight of Nagi’s gaze makes Reo squirm, but he holds it anyway.
“Reo,” Nagi whispers.
Reo’s chest flutters at the loving edge to his voice and the way his eyes equally soften, as if his name was something precious that should be uttered in nothing but gentle tones and honeyed sweetness. Whatever Reo was planning to respond with gets caught somewhere in the back of his throat. He thinks he might be going crazy, because Nagi keeps looking at him with this strange intensity, this quiet want that makes his stomach flip.
It’s dangerous because it sparks a flash of hope within him. Bright and clearly unlikely. Hope for things Reo couldn’t allow himself to imagine. After pushing everything down these last few weeks and trying to move on, he couldn’t let himself fall back down into the darkness of his endless and vast emotions.
He has to compose himself. Nagi’s clearly not in the right mind, and Reo is afraid he’ll wind up suffocating the other with the depth of his love.
A small ache resounds in his heart. “Nagi.”
A beat passes, and then,
“I’m sorry.”
“...Huh?”
“I made you upset yesterday. I never apologised for it.”
Reo’s eyes widen in genuine disbelief. Is he imagining things due to drunken delusions? There’s no way that Nagi just apologised for something. “It—” He stops dead in his tracks when he notices how honest his eyes look. It’s almost like he’s silently begging Reo to believe him.
Clearing his throat, he tries again. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I’ve been unfair to you. You should be able to date anyone you want without having to think about my feelings. It’s not my place to stop you.” Nagi looks down for a split second before drawing his eyes back. He falters slightly, as if he’s debating something in his head. Then, a sincere expression takes over his face and his eyes grow so unbelievably soft. “I’m selfish, Reo. I want you all to myself.”
“Nagi—” Reo wants to stop him from saying anything further but he’s cut off by the other’s insistent voice.
“I like the thought of you being in love with me, you know.”
Stop.
“Because that way, I know you need me as much as I need you.”
Don’t do this.
A surge of something overwhelms Reo and he finds himself unable to say anything at all. He notices a little too late that Nagi has inched closer, enough that their thighs press together. His vision swarms with white and grey. It’s getting harder and harder to think coherent thoughts. He gives up on the concept altogether when Nagi’s eyes flit down to his lips.
He should say something, right? The tension in the room is getting thicker and his throat feels extremely dry. He has a feeling that it’s not just the alcohol causing it.
“Nagi…” Reo musters weakly. As he does, the boy in question leans in slowly and carefully, almost like he’s afraid of startling Reo.
“Mmhm?” Nagi keeps his gaze locked on Reo’s lips. A glimpse of desire dances in his eyes, and there’s a pretty blush spread across his cheeks.
Reo almost loses himself in the moment. This is something he’s dreamed of time and time again, but it was an impossible fantasy. Now, their lips are close to brushing. If he leans in ever so slightly, he could—
A whiff of alcohol jolts him from his thoughts, and his eyes fly open. (When did he close them?)
“You—You’re drunk,” he says, an edge of desparation tinging his voice.
Nagi stops just short of his lips, and the tickle of his breath against Reo’s cheek makes his own hitch. His heart is pounding so loudly that he wonders if Nagi can hear it echo against the bathroom walls.
Reo breathes in deeply and musters all his courage to stand up. “You don’t know what you’re doing.” He can feel a lump growing in his throat but he swallows it down quickly.
To his surprise, and perhaps dismay, he’s met with silence. It takes everything in him to fight the urge to glance at his best friend. He doesn’t know what to think right now but he knows that he won’t be able to handle looking at Nagi because, as stupid as it is, he knows that one sorry look, or even a single plea, will end with him giving Nagi anything he wants. He’s as certain of this as he is of the sky being blue, or the grass being green. It’s pathetic, really, but he also can’t help it.
When a few more moments pass, and neither of them say anything, Reo composes himself as much as he can, and walks towards the door.
He’s stopped in his tracks by a hand gripping his wrist. He stills, but doesn’t turn around, keeping his eyes steadfast on the door in front of him. He waits for Nagi to say something, but the hum of the music and chatter outside is all that can be heard. Sighing, he shakes his arm out of the other boy’s grasp with no difficulty or protest.
As he opens the door, he hears a soft voice mutter, “I’m really sorry.”
Reo doesn’t falter, continuing his gait and closing the door behind him. The atmosphere is stifling and his eyes are burning a little. He keeps moving forward until he’s completely out of the house. Only when he’s certain he’s out of sight does he allow the tears to fall freely down his cheeks, spilling on the sidewalk.
They almost kissed. That fact alone makes Reo’s stomach flip. A flash of regret hits him when he thinks of the honest and sincere look on Nagi’s face. He was undeniably wasted, and Reo almost took advantage of him just because he was tempted by his stupid, unrealistic dreams.
He looks up at the night sky and briefly considers calling his driver, until he decides against it and instead, makes his way home on foot without looking back once.
Reo glances down at his phone occasionally as he walks around the busy area. Last night was nothing short of a disaster and he’s surprised that he managed to evade a nasty hangover. He guesses he didn’t drink as much as he thought. Well, that’s to be expected since his night was taken up by talking to various people, most notably, a certain white-haired boy.
That being said, here he is, outside the amusement park where that very boy asked to meet up in this morning over the phone. He’s still confused on what exactly he’s doing here, but Nagi sounded pretty serious on call earlier. At first, Reo wanted to decline the invite but after some consideration, he realised that it might be best to clear up any tension from the night before—that is, if Nagi even remembers what happened. He was rather drunk.
Still, the amusement park was what grabbed his attention. He always told Nagi how much he wanted to go. Nagi, expectedly, urged him to bring one of his other friends and to stop bothering him, but Reo only wanted to go if it was with him. What suddenly made him change his mind, he wonders?
A small ping from his phone distracts him from his muddled thoughts.
ill be there in 5
A quick glance at the time tells him that it’s fifteen minutes before the agreed time. Did Nagi know that Reo was already there? Actually, hold on a second—Nagi is early?
He shakes himself out of his head before he falls down a rabbit hole of questioning, one of which bears little answers. Instead, he watches the scene before him. There’s a lot of couples here, which—it is an amusement park after all, it shouldn’t be too surprising, he supposes. The sight of them all holding hands and sharing drinks, however, causes something ugly to rear its head in Reo’s chest.
Pushing down the feeling, he directs his gaze toward the large ferris wheel in the centre of the park. He wonders if Nagi plans to participate in standard amusement park activities or if he just wanted a place to talk. Right now, he’d much prefer the former. A day of normalcy, even if it’s only pretend, is exactly what he needs.
A tap on his shoulder makes him jump, and he whirls around quickly enough to lose his balance. Luckily, a hand lands on his arm, straightening him. Embarrassment washes over him when he meets Nagi’s eyes. There’s a playful glint to them and Reo can’t decide if it makes him feel better or worse.
“Hey,” Nagi says. His tone is lighthearted, and it makes Reo relax. That’s when he notices the other’s appearance and his breath catches in his throat. Nagi’s hair is styled, his usual messy bed hair is carefully brushed into a fluffy, casual-looking style. On top of that, instead of his usual hoodie, he’s adorned in a white polo shirt and navy jeans.
His surprise must show on his features because Nagi glances down at himself shyly. He realises that he should probably say something. “Uh,” he says intelligently. Shit, what’s wrong with me.
Nagi looks back at him expectantly. His lips are quirked up in a small smile and it’s so insanely adorable. “Yes?” It’s almost like he’s… teasing him? Reo is hyperaware of the hand still on his arm, but he manages to choke out a reply nonetheless. Clearing his throat, he says, “You look—” He tries to find the right adjective but the obvious ones are a little inappropriate, so he decides on, “good. Really good. I mean—”
Oh god, just take me now, he thinks miserably, making the smart decision to just shut his mouth.
Nagi chuckles, of all things. Reo has to stop himself from opening his mouth in pure shock. This is easily the most casual exchange they’ve had for weeks. The sound of his laugh causes all the remaining tension within him to dissipate, leaving him feeling lighter than he’s felt in a long time.
Wait, he shouldn’t get distracted like this. He still needs to apologise for the incident the night before.
“So, about last night—”
“Are you hungry?” Nagi cuts him off and begins to drag him by the arm that he’s still attached to. “They have a takoyaki stand over there.”
Reo is momentarily stunned into silence. Maybe he really was too drunk to remember what happened? Or was he avoiding the matter on purpose? Whatever the reason, it looks like Nagi is willing to spend a day hanging out with Reo like normal, so he decides to take what he can get.
“Oh, y—yeah, takoyaki sounds nice.”
They walk leisurely towards the stand with the large conspicuous octopus on the sign. It’s only when they arrive in front of the worker that Nagi lets go of his hold on Reo’s arm. He immediately misses the touch. They order quickly and Reo pays, like usual. It’s all so normal.
When they finish eating, Reo insists on going on a few of the rides. He expects Nagi to oppose, or complain, but he does neither. Instead, he quietly agrees and goes on each ride with him. After two or three, Nagi slumps down on a bench. “Let’s take a break, Reo, I can’t do it anymore,” he says, a pout plastered on his lips. Reo giggles at his miserable appearance, though he feels a little sick himself.
“Sure, I wanna check out all the games here anyway!” Reo says excitedly. He’s caught up in the moment and doesn’t think before holding out a hand to Nagi, whose eyes widen in surprise. He recognises his slip up much too late, but before he could retract his hand and mumble out some apology, Nagi swiftly takes his hand in his own and pulls himself up. Reo tries to pull his hand away once they’re standing side by side but Nagi tightens his hold, tugging him towards the long street with the games.
“Nagi—” Reo begins, but falters when he sees the soft smile on Nagi’s face. His heart flutters at the sight. He’s unsure of how to navigate this situation. They were always touchy—at least, before that day—but they’ve never outright held hands for this long before. Actually, come to think of it, this is rather… romantic. His internal freak-out is interrupted by Nagi pointing at a two-player shooter game and saying, “Let’s play that one first.”
A few games later, they join hands once again and continue strolling along the street.
“It was rigged! I bet the darts aren’t sharp enough to actually pop the balloons,” Reo complains. All five of his shots definitely hit a balloon, but mysteriously enough, none of them popped.
“You’re just a terrible shot, Reo,” Nagi replies halfheartedly. He holds out the cat plushie he won from the undoubtedly rigged game of balloon darts. “See? I hit them all.” What a show-off. He eyes the plushie carefully. It’s a fluffy white cat with an exaggerated blush. Now that he’s looking at it up close, it’s rather cute. It reminds him a little of Nagi.
Nagi looks between the cat and Reo, and huffs out a small laugh. “Here, it’s for you,” he says, handing the cat over to him. The intimacy of the action makes his stomach flip. Nagi keeps doing things that haphazardly toes the line he’s drawn between them, but he finds that he lacks the will to push him away. As soon as his fingers touch the soft material, he melts. It’s not just cute, it’s downright adorable. He cracks a wide grin. “Thanks, Nagi.”
An emotion he can’t name flashes through Nagi’s face, before he quickly averts his gaze, muttering something that sounds like, “You’re welcome.” If Reo didn’t know better, he would think he’s blushing. But there’s no way, right? He decides not to give it any more thought. This whole day has been weird but hey, he’s not one to complain about getting to hang out like this with his best friend. He knows, in good conscience, that he should bring up the elephant in the room, but since Nagi may not remember anything at all, he concludes that he should enjoy himself for the time being.
If he’s being completely honest with himself, the past few days have proven to Reo that it really isn’t possible for him to fall out of love with Nagi. In fact, his feelings have only increased tenfold. It’s not good for either of them, and it’s not fair on Nagi, who clearly wants things to go back to normal.
A surge of insecurity washes over him and he remembers Nagi’s words from a phone call before; You’re being such a hassle, Reo. He’s right. Reo can’t help but complicate things and turn even minor inconveniences into a big deal. At times, he finds that his own happiness solely depends on Nagi. He moves in tandem with him, like waves against a ship. His emotions act as the gust of wind that shakes the tree that is their unusual friendship.
“Reo? Are you okay?” Nagi says, sounding concerned. Reo feels bad for worrying him.
“I’m fine,” he replies, his mouth curving up into the best smile he can muster. He looks past Nagi to avoid eye contact, and catches sight of the ferris wheel. Looking around, he becomes aware of the sun about to set on the horizon. There’s no way in hell he’s passing up this golden opportunity. “Oi Nagi, let’s go on the ferris wheel.”
Nagi follows his gaze to the ferris wheel as it rotates lazily. “Sounds good.”
Fortunately, the queue isn’t too long and they get through breezily. As they take their seats across from each other, Reo feels excitement bubble up inside his chest at the anticipated view at the top.
He casts Nagi a quick sidelong glance, only to find him staring at him with something akin to affection. It breaks him out of his fantastical daze and hurtles him back into reality. He must be imagining things. Maybe this time, he’s finally starting to project his silly emotions onto the victim on the other side of them.
The same guilt he felt earlier creeps back in slowly. He tries to push it down to no avail. Nagi doesn’t love him back, and he needs to accept that. If he doesn’t, they can never move forward from any of this.
Steeling his resolve, he calmly begins, “I’m sorry for everything, Nagi.” He keeps his eyes trained on the window, observing the view as they go up.
“What are you—“
“Just,” Reo lets out a breath before continuing, “Let me say this. Please”
He sees Nagi nod hesitantly in his periphery, and takes that as his sign to proceed.
“I won’t apologise for falling in love with you. Actually, I think that might’ve been the best thing to ever happen to me.” He doesn’t miss the way Nagi turns his head to him in surprise. He feels some of his courage slipping away but he’s determined to say his part. “But I will apologise for everything that happened after that. It’s my fault that things got so complicated. I never planned on telling you, and you shouldn’t have found out like that. So, I’m sorry for making things awkward and uncomfortable for you. I’ve probably been a real hassle for you lately, huh?” He tries to laugh lightly but it comes off as more miserable than anything else.
“Reo—”
“And about last night, if you remember, I’m sorry about that too. You were really drunk. I shouldn’t have let you do that.” He wants to say more but he can’t think of what to say. Oh well, he got the main parts out.
A stretch of silence passes between them. Reo still resolutely keeps his eyes locked on the view outside. They’re close to the top now, and the world outside is coated in an orange-yellow hue. There’s a dust of pink against the horizon; it’s gorgeous.
Nagi taps his foot gently against the floor of the carriage, then sighs softly. His hand flexes as he rubs it up and down his thigh, like he’s deciding what to do with it. He makes up his mind in a split second and suddenly, there’s a hand reaching out towards Reo’s, whose neck almost snaps with the speed he turned it to look directly at Nagi.
“Stop apologising, Reo. You have nothing to be sorry for.” His hand wraps around Reo’s gently. “It’s me that should be apologising, you know.” Nagi looks slightly uncomfortable but he determinedly keeps his gaze fixed on Reo, like nothing besides him is worth his attention. It makes his stomach do somersaults.
“I’m sorry for everything I said and did after I found out. I made you sad. It was my fault for not paying enough attention to how you felt back then. You’re so important to me, Reo.” Nagi frowns slightly. Reo knows he isn’t great with expressing how he feels, so even this is enough to stun him.
“You could never be a hassle. Don’t say that again,” Nagi proclaims. His eyes look more serious than they ever have before, and Reo knows he means it. The corners of his mouth threaten to curve up, but he keeps his expression neutral. “As for last night, you don’t need to worry about that. I knew what I was doing and I meant every word I said.”
The carefully neutral countenance Reo was wearing breaks at that. His lips part in surprise and his eyes widen slowly in shock. Not only does Nagi definitely remember the almost-kiss, he was doing it consciously? There must be some mistake here.
But if not, then maybe it meant something. Maybe it meant everything.
Their carriage reaches the top of the ferris wheel. Nagi finally turns his heavy gaze away from him, instead directing it outside. “Look, Reo, we’re at the top.” Even though the entire sky is in sight, he can’t look away from Nagi and the way the setting sun dyes his white hair and pale skin in a soft orange light. He decides in that moment that no view will ever be as beautiful as the one in front of him.
“I had fun today,” Nagi says, seemingly unbothered by the continued silence from the other boy. “It’s my first date, so I don’t really know what I’m doing.” He glances back at Reo, looking unsure of himself. Reo just wants to see him smile again.
“I had fun too. This is the best date I’ve ever—” Wait, what? He blinks dumbly, and his mouth opens and closes like a gaping fish. “Date!?”
Nagi looks at him quizzically, as if Reo is the crazy one. “What’s wrong?”
“Is this a date?” Reo exclaims. He’s never been more confused in his life. Is this even real life anymore?
“Yeah? You didn’t know?”
“You didn’t tell me!”
“I thought it was obvious.” Nagi at least has the decency to look a bit guilty. Reo, on the other hand, is at a loss for what to do. His memories of the day’s events click into place like a jigsaw puzzle. The hand-holding, the looks, the intimacy, the dressing up, it all makes sense now. How did he not notice it before?
But what does this mean? Does Nagi like him back? No, there’s no way.
“Why?” Reo asks cautiously. He watches as several emotions flit across Nagi’s face, before settling into a nonchalant neutrality.
“Because I wanted to,” is the reply that comes eventually. Nagi says it with a sense of finality, clearly planning to leave it at that. As much as Reo wants him to elaborate, he also knows that he won’t get a straight answer. More than that though, a part of him doesn’t want to know. He feels the remnants of hope flicker alive inside him, and he wants to indulge in it for a while longer. It’s a dangerous feeling, but it makes butterflies flutter in his stomach. He surprises himself by wanting to hope, on the off-chance that maybe, just maybe, Nagi might feel the same way.
As the ferris wheel comes to a stop, the two boys agree to walk home together. Reo feels happier than he’s felt in too long, as he clutches the cat plushie in his hands. His steps tread lighter than before, and his lips tug into a genuine smile, mirrored by Nagi, as they walk out of the amusement park.
They fall into a comfortable silence as they stroll down the sidewalk. The streetlights lay a dim aureole around them, enveloping the two boys as they walked past. It’s a quiet night with only a few cars passing them as they continue down the path home. Reo lets himself absorb the sight of his best friend as the subtle glow overhead casts a shadow on his face.
He’s careful not to let his gaze linger, so he directs his attention to the sky. There are a lot of stars out tonight, each shining brightly in their own way. Some sparkle and twinkle, like they’re having fun. The sight makes Reo’s breath catch.
“Pretty,” he breathes out. He misses the soft look that Nagi casts in his direction and the endearment in his voice as he mumbles out a faint, “Yeah. Beautiful.”
Reo stops his pace to fumble around in his pockets for his phone. It’s likely that the stars won’t show up on his camera, but he feels the need to capture this moment anyway. Once he manages to fish his phone out, he points it up to the sky and focuses his attention on tuning the exposure to let the stars show.
Click. Reo’s hand stills as he turns to Nagi. He was so engrossed that he hadn’t noticed Nagi pointing his phone’s camera directly at him. Embarrassment quickly dawns on him when Nagi just flashes him a triumphant smile.
“Show me that picture,” says Reo, taking hurried steps towards the other boy. “I won’t do anything, I just wanna see it.”
With every step forward, Nagi takes a step back. He locks his phone and waves it around in the air. “No can do. You’re gonna try and delete it.”
Reo gives him a slight pout; he knows Nagi won’t let him anywhere near that picture, but it was worth a try. He sighs and stops his approach. “...Fine, just don’t send it to anyone.”
Unexpectedly, Nagi takes two big steps toward him. A blush threatens to creep up his neck when he takes in their lack of distance. Warning bells sound in his head, telling him to back away. But Nagi is staring fixedly at him in challenge, as if daring him to move. So he stays still, meeting his gaze head-on and trying not to squirm.
Nagi leans in even closer, until the distance between them is practically non-existent. Involuntarily, Reo is reminded of when they almost kissed just yesterday. He starts to feel very hot all of a sudden. He can hear the frantic beating of his heart in his ears and distantly wonders if Nagi can hear it too, considering their current proximity. He can feel Nagi’s breath graze his cheek when he opens his mouth to speak.
“Don’t worry, Reo, that picture is only for us.” His voice is low and raspy. His eyes flicker down to Reo’s lips for a short second.
Internally, Reo screams. What is he talking about? Better yet, what is he doing? He needs to stop saying and doing things that make Reo’s stomach flip. This can’t be healthy for his blood pressure. He may even go into cardiac arrest at this rate. “I—”
Nagi gravitates impossibly closer, until their faces are a mere inch away from each other; it’s reminiscent of the scene the day before. Except this time, Nagi trails his arm up to rest on Reo’s waist, effectively preventing any remaining chances of escape. Not that Reo would want to break free anyway.
The logical part of his brain is screaming at him to wriggle out of Nagi’s grasp (he knows he’d let go if Reo really wanted him to), but a small part of his heart is whispering to him, telling him to stay. He doesn’t get the opportunity to think too hard about it, as his conflicting thoughts are interrupted by—
“I love you.”
That. Okay. Right. Reo tries to remember at which point he had fallen asleep, because this has to be a dream. Nagi’s eyes seem to be ablaze; his fierceness makes Reo swallow nervously. They both stand stock still for a long time. It takes him a while before he manages out a small, “Huh?”
Nagi appears to have run out of patience. Reo gets all but one second of warning—if at all—before Nagi closes the tiny distance still remaining between them, and their lips crash together.
He’s imagined what it would feel like to kiss Nagi before, but reality always has a way of surprising him. Contrary to the bored and somewhat lazy kiss he’d imagined, the real one is done with fervour and a tinge of desperation, like he’s trying to send his confession and sincerity to Reo through his mouth. Reo is still for a moment before his senses slowly reboot, one by one, and suddenly, he’s kissing him back with the same amount of passion.
Their lips move against each other in perfect harmony. Then, they start to slow down—the intensity is still there, but it mellows out into a gentle rhythm.
They part for breath after a few long seconds, both panting. Nagi presses their bodies together as he buries his head in the crook of Reo’s shoulder, embracing him tightly. Reo is momentarily stunned. So he does the only thing he can think to do—wrap his arms around Nagi and hold him just as firmly.
The street falls silent. Reo tries to compose himself to the best of his abilities, but he seems to be making little progress. It’s hard to think after getting kissed senseless by the love of his life, whom he had thought he had no chance with.
The realisation dawns on him. Nagi just kissed him. Nagi. His best friend, who does not reciprocate his feelings. Or so he thought. He doesn’t know what to think anymore.
Nagi recovers much faster than he does. Raising his head, he squints up at Reo, scrutinising his expression. Reo doesn’t know what he finds there, but whatever it is causes his eyebrows to furrow, and his lips to curl downward into something between a frown and a pout. Like he’s trying to work out a particularly difficult maths equation.
“You don’t believe me,” Nagi asks, but it comes off as more of a statement. Reo looks away awkwardly, feeling unsure of himself. He doesn’t trust himself to talk right now.
Suddenly, Reo feels a hand on the back of his own. When he looks back, he sees Nagi guiding his hand to his chest. Reo’s eyes widen comically when he feels the erratic thumping of Nagi’s heart. His lips part in surprise, and Nagi’s eyes flit down for a brief millisecond, but it’s enough to make Reo heat up significantly. He must be blushing like crazy.
“I’m in love with you, Reo,” Nagi says. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it sooner.”
Reo looks at Nagi’s earnest appearance and the silent plea in his eyes and—
Oh.
Oh.
Against his will, tears well up in his eyes. He tries to blink them away, but it’s no use. Nagi’s expression shifts into panic. He moves his thumb to Reo’s cheek to wipe away the tears spilling down. His touch is gentle—sweet.
“Don’t cry, Reo. It’s okay,” whispers Nagi. “I’m here.” It’s a reminder and a promise. Reo only sobs harder.
“I love you so much, Nagi,” he manages between sobs. “So, so much.”
“I love you too. I’ll say it for the rest of our lives, if you want me to.” He tucks a loose strand of Reo’s hair behind his ear. Then, he bumps their foreheads together. Reo can feel him delicately drawing circles on his back. Softly, he mutters, “I want you, Reo. Forever—if you’ll have me.”
“I do. I want you, forever,” Reo replies through a broken sob.
They stay like that until Reo calms down, his tears receding and leaving behind a pleasant warmth that grasps every inch of his body.
When they finally head home that night, they walk hand-in-hand, and Reo feels the happiest he’s ever felt in his life. The stars glisten with awe above them. Reo suddenly remembers that he never took a picture of them. Oh well, he’ll take it next time.