Chapter Text
Alastor
Airport – Business Class lounge
Alastor’s business trip was finally over, though ‘over’ felt too generous a word.
It had been several hours since checking out of his hotel room that morning, but with no plans other than to return home on a mid-day flight, time dragged its feet- leaving him with little to no respite from the unwanted memories of the night before.
It was why he sat in the bar for so long, ordering drink after drink, hoping against all odds his brain would fall mind numbingly blank. But nothing was working, his dulling senses still felt too sharp, too aware. When any small sign of *peace* washed over him, intrusive images grabbed at the surface and pushed their way into his mind, giving him no choice in recanting what happened all over again.
A room full of bright lights and loud music. Strangers and half-strangers drinking, laughing and asking questions he didn’t want to answer. He’d dodge most of them with practiced ease, but the effort had worn him thin.
He never minded a good party, working a room was easier than writing on paper. But as the night went on, as it often does, the mood shifted. The type of entertainment people wanted was too close, too personal.
He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment things began to get away from him. But he recognized the feelings instantly – embarrassment, frustration, that hollow ache he never knew to name, and inevitably the self-loathing that always followed closely behind.
And then there was him, at the worst possible moment. The guy who looked too hard for too long with that strange blend of envy, smugness and…something he did not care to acknowledge.
They’d clashed more than once that night with sharp words, pointed looks and a kind of tension that made his skin crawl.
He remembered storming off at some point, looking for quietness and space to remedy the way his blood boiled and fists itched for contact.
He remembered being alone in the hallway.
Then…not alone.
More taunting and biting remarks. A shove - he couldn’t recall who started it - then, a moment where anger blurred into something else too quickly for him to make sense of.
His mouth hurt, his breathing struggled, and then, his judgement finally slipped.
Every moment after happened twice as quick.
The elevator. The hotel door. He wasn’t alone in either place.
He remembered wishing the lights were off. Wishing he couldn’t see the sterile white sheets, the mess of clothes abandoned on the floor, or the expression on the face of the man who wasn’t his boyfriend. He remembered wanting to disappear entirely. The only thought grounding him was that this was a means to an end.
Alastor’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He jerked, nearly spilling what was left of his drink and reeling him back to reality. He fished his cell out to see a text from Lucifer.
“Hey Babe! Let me know once you land and I’ll head over to pick you up.
I assume you’ll eat before landing but I’m making dessert tonight, so leave some room in that sexy tummy!”
A small, involuntary twist pulled at his mouth. The message from his partner was harmless, sweet even, yet his stomach tightened- sour and heavy.
He tucked his phone back into his pocket without a reply. He didn’t have it in him to say anything back that was remotely pleasant.
Alastor released a long shaky breath as his traitorous leg bounced restlessly beneath the barstool, jittering with a mind of its own. It was a problem he endured for hours now at the bar- trembling and tension made a terrible mix.
His hands drifted up behind his neck, rubbing against the tight muscle. Flinching when he pressed roughly into a forgotten bruise underneath his skin. A marking he had not seen since looking in the hotel mirror hours before. A mark now hidden by a turtle neck sweater and band-aid.
He swallowed hard, pushing that memory away before it could form.
The airport speaker crackled to life, announcing which groups were allowed to board, including his own.
He wiped the sweat from his brow, signaled the bartender for the bill, and finished the last of his stale drink in one swallow.
The walk to his gate passed in a blur, strangely distant, as though he was moving through a fog - thick and silent. He handed over his ticket, boarded without really seeing anyone, and sank into his seat with a kind of exhausted relief.
Grateful for the privacy, Alastor peered out the window to stare at the tarmac. The view was nothing special, but it offered a kind of refuge to rest his eyes and avoid anyone else’s. He was certain if someone looked close enough, they would find every one of his sins written all over his face.
It was terrifying to realize it had been less than twenty-four hours. The shame felt older, heavier, weighing him down like an immovable stone on his chest.
Alastor wished desperately that he could bury the memories far below the surface, locking them away somewhere dark and unreachable. But they clung to him with cruel persistence.
He needed to get home.
He needed to see Lucifer.
Though, he had no idea what would come next.
A desperate part of him wanted to deny this ever happened, to leave the memories and invisible scars in the hotel room and never check back in.
It was only one time after all. A single night of…inexplicable weakness.
But he couldn’t do that. Not to Lucifer.
Lucifer was too special.
He was the first person he’d ever loved. Ever desired. Ever allowed into his life so intimately that he both longed and feared their relationship.
He hated to admit it, but their relationship brought upon a storm of first experiences that made him vulnerable in ways he never imagined. He half expected Lucifer to change his mind as soon as his…short comings revealed themselves. He would have understood. Sometimes he felt his life would be easier if Lucifer had run away. Though, it was always that cowardly part of himself he hated most, that thought this way.
Their early days had been a slow burn of awkward firsts. Alastor’s schoolboy crush had him floating, while Lucifer was preparing for a different milestone that wasn’t simply holding his sweaty hand or a kiss…on the cheek.
He could still remember the way his face burned, and the way Lucifer giggled, when they finally shared a brief, nervous brush of lips. In truth, their first real kiss took several months into their relationship.
To his credit, Lucifer handled their situation well. He showed kindness, patience, and an eagerness to understand his new partner. Even when the blonde grew frustrated at Alastor’s avoidant nature- leaving him in the dark or randomly growing distant. In time, Lucifer realized that his gentlemanly boyfriend was not simply “old-fashioned”.
As their relationship deepened, something unsettling had taken root in Alastor—a widening disconnect between what he felt emotionally and what his body could manage physically. When they moved in together a year later, the seriousness of it all only sharpened his insecurities. He convinced himself he was failing Lucifer, he wasn’t giving enough, that he wasn’t enough.
Lucifer, ever the light in his life, pushed back against Alastor’s self-loathing, openly and without hesitation.
It was infuriating to be so well loved and cared for when he himself felt didn’t feel worthy of it. Still, Lucifer grounded him and that gave him the courage to try things again, to communicate and experiment while knowing he was not expected to be perfect. It didn’t fix all his problems, but it lessened the burden and allowed space for him to learn and grow.
He loved Lucifer for that. His boyfriend who was also blessed with charmingly bad jokes, bright smiles, and clumsy affections. The blonde who was so easy to tease and twice as easy to appease. It didn’t take much really, that was the leniency of love. And love Lucifer did, he felt it every moment they were together.
Over 2 years together now, they had a great life-one full of laughs and mostly playful bickering. Alastor had envisioned so many wonderful things for their future together. But now, he couldn’t see past what would become of tonight. Not after he had-
Boarding is almost over. Please make your way-.
Alastor jolted at the announcement, eyes squeezing shut, thoughts scrambling in circles. He had no idea how to start the conversation with Lucifer.
What would he say aside from sorry and beg for forgiveness? Even if he tried to explain himself, the truth of his choices was not sound even in the heat of his drunken spiral, and 1000% less so now that he was sober.
But he would try. He had to.
The plane hummed beneath him as it prepared for takeoff. He pressed his forehead against the cool window, a sharp chill raking his body. The realization he only had a few hours before seeing Lucifer made him nauseous, and although he didn’t deserve it, he was grateful for the distraction.
**
Lucifer
All morning, Lucifer had been buzzing with a kind of restless energy he only ever got when Alastor was due to return home, and the timing couldn’t be more perfect – It was Christmas Eve, he and his partner had a week off ahead of them, and nothing on the calendar except each other.
He spent the entirety of the day prepping various surprises for his lover. One of which, currently involved him standing on the kitchen table, wrestling a tangled WELCOME HOME! banner that refused to hang straight, for the third time.
“Come on, work with me,” He pleaded, adding more tape than one would think necessary. “Okay- oh, oh! I think I got it!”
Stepping down from the table, he stared proudly at the finish product. Not a moment later, the banner drooped in a sad arc. Lucifer groaned, “I’ll just come back to you later.” He turned on his heel, not at all perturbed, dancing towards the kitchen while humming along to the Christmas song playing from the radio.
The kitchen smelled faintly of powdered sugar and oil, evidence of the beignets he had prepped hours earlier, following the recipe Alastor’s mom, Mari, had written for him.
He was ready to bring them to life when the moment came, showcasing his new found skills that seemingly transpired overnight. Though, he had been sure to toss out the failed products of his trial and errors, to ensure Alastor would be none the wiser.
Rather than being teased, Lucifer wanted nothing but praise from his lover- for both the beignets and for including his mother in some way.
Which, was not hard to do, Lucifer was endlessly grateful to Mari – for her warmth, her humor, and for the way she made him feel like family.
When they traveled to Alastor’s childhood home for Thanksgiving – as they have done the last 2 years together - he had asked for the recipe in secret, knowing he would want it for tonight. She agreed, nudging his arm with suspicious enthusiasm as she always did. Followed by her usual teasing to Lucifer along the lines of:
Well, if someone was this thoughtful to me, I would marry them on the spot’ or ‘If he doesn’t lock you down soon, I’ll just keep you for myself.
A habit of hers that often left him red-faced and flustered, which only seemed to encourage her more. It was one of the many traits that Mari passed down to her son.
He was at least grateful most of her teasing was done privately, without Alastor in attendance. Even though he knew Mari made similar comments about Lucifer to Alastor when they were alone, he was not immune from the powers of his mother’s teasing after all, evident by the way those high cheek bones flourished with red and pink tones.
Still, he knew better than to feed Mari too many details and opted to neither confirm nor deny any hidden agenda in tonight’s planning. It was simply a sweet gesture he concocted to celebrate both the holiday and Alastor’s return from his new job.
Although, Lucifer had secretly hoped his efforts would be rewarded in a certain way - with Alastor’s eyes widening in surprise before overcoming with warmth, shining with a sort of sparkle that went beyond appreciation. A look that said, Wow, my mother was right about you.
Lucifer felt his cheeks flush as his imagination wandered a bit too far.
His phone buzzed suddenly. He looked down, and jolted upright. The notification confirmed Alastor’s flight had landed.
“Oh hell – shit, okay, gotta go!” He turned off the stove and scrambled for his things. “Phone, wallet, keys, shoes, coat – “, He glanced back to the kitchen. “- banner, stay up or I swear to God-. “
Lucifer glared at the banner as he bolted out the door.
**
The airport pick-up lane was a symphony of honking horns and aggressively maneuvering cars weaving in and out of spaces, followed by quick shuffles of people greeting and loading up their luggage.
Despite the chaos, Lucifer spots Alastor quickly. Even bundled in his long black coat and red scarf wrapped neatly around his neck, his boyfriend was unmistakable. With his composed posture, elegant frame, strong sexy shoulders that filled out his coat far too well for Lucifer’s sanity. He could even envision the sharp jawline tucked within his scarf, as well as those long, firm, yet surprisingly nimble fingers protected by matching gloves.
Lucifer shuddered. Perhaps his partner had been away a little too long.
Parking his car in an opening, he jogged over, arms already open. “Heeey, hot stuff!”
Alastor’s smile flickered into place, polite and thin, though a bit strained. He stepped into the hug stiffly, as if bracing for impact rather than greeting his boyfriend.
Lucifer pulled back just enough to kiss him, feeling cold lips meeting his own, just barely.
“Cold, huh?”
Alastor nodded quickly. “Freezing.” As if to emphasize his point, Alastor trembled, the wind weaving around them without mercy.
It was cold, the light snow drifted sideways in the air, the pavement glistened with ice, but they were lucky that was the most of this weather they had to deal with for now. And it made sitting by the fire place an ideal activity.
Lucifer rubbed his hands up and down on either side of Alastor arms, as if to somehow warm him up despite all the layers of clothes between them.
“Yeah, sorry babe, I was hoping you wouldn’t have to wait too long. Let’s get you in the car before you turn into a popsicle. Although,” Lucifer’s wiggled his nearly frozen eyebrows. “I wouldn’t mind licking-”.
“ Lucifer. ”
Said boyfriend winked, “Alright, just get your cold butt in the car, I got this.” He grabbed Alastor’s suitcase and stuffed it in the trunk before rushing back into the driver seat. Thankfully, the heater was doing a wonderful job circulating much needed warmth in the car and over their bodies. He raised his hands against the open vents, taking a moment to re-engage with his lover.
“Okay, talk to me. How was the trip? Did they love you? Ignore that, stupid question, of course they loved you. Ha! I bet they were so charmed . Like ‘Oh Alastor, you’re so amazing, have my musical babies’.” Lucifer laughed at the way his own voiced changed to mimic a high pitch adoration. “I’m surprised they didn’t make you stay a bit longer. Glad they didn’t of course, I would have gone to pick you up myself if that happened.”
Normally, his ramblings would’ve earned him a snort, maybe a sarcastic comment about his dramatics, or simply his boyfriend would chime in with his own story to share. Instead, Alastor stared out the window, jaw tight.
“It was fine, hardly anything noteworthy really, you know how that goes.”
Lucifer paused for a moment, taken aback at Alastor lack of…anything. Normally he’d be the first to toot his own horn and Lucifer had laid the stage perfectly for him to do so. Yet, here was Alastor, the prince of storytelling, dismissing the trip as if he had simply gone to the grocery store. Well, even his trips to the store could be turned into a dramatic voyage.
So, this was… odd.
“Well, that’s no fun.” Lucifer couldn’t hide his suspicious tone. “Is…everything okay Al?”
Despite the way Alastor visibly stiffened, his voice was steady, meeting Lucifer’s gaze almost apologetically. “Of course…Apologies my dear, I think the food I had earlier did not agree with me.”
“Oh, really? Ugh, that’s the worst. I bet you drank a lot at the Christmas Party last night too. I’m sure that didn’t help.”
“You have no idea,” Alastor whispered, a frown briefly overtaking his features, but not long enough to be noticed.
“Sorry, what?”
“It’s a keen observation. One that would explain this headache I’ve had since then…”
“Yikes. Well, as soon as we’re back home let’s get you something to help that pretty little head of yours, Mister.” Alastor only nodded in response, turning his head away slightly.
Lucifer eyes scanned Alastor’s features, unable to fully move on despite the answers given. This lack luster behavior from Alastor was off-putting to say the least. Something was up with him, he had no doubt, but he knew it was better to approach the topic when Alastor was more inviting for a conversation to be had.
Until then, Lucifer thought another topic would spark some interest, even if he had to hint at one of his surprises for the night. “I wasn’t going to say this before, but hopefully you’ll be good enough to enjoy a little treat tonight, I made something extra special. A little homage for you returning home.” Lucifer wiggled his -not frozen- brows suggestively.
“Oh? Should I expect us to still have a kitchen to return to?”
Lucifer responded with a playful jab.
“After all my troubles, I expect you to be on kitchen duty for the rest of the year.”
Alastor smiled and rolled his eyes. “As if you’re ever in the kitchen to do anything but eat.”
“Hey!” Lucifer laughed, reaching over and resting his hand on Alastor’s knee, giving a small squeeze. Whatever playful retort he planned on saying died in his throat as he felt Alastor flinch under his touch, it was only a little, but enough to draw concern.
“Al,” Lucifer withdrew his hand carefully. “Are you sure you-”
“I’m fine.” Alastor replied hastily, before gently adding. “Really.” He leaned over and gave Lucifer a kiss, one that was much more affectionate than anything he felt so far that night. It was enough to contain his worrying, for now.
“Alright, alright.” Lucifer smiled. “We’ll get home, warmed up, and then you can relax. No business talk, no stress. Just us, Christmas Eve and a kitchen full of sugar.”
Lucifer didn’t press any further, turning his hands on the steering wheel to begin their drive home.
Alastor could only nod, hands clenched in his lap, knuckles pale. Turning his head to stare outside the passenger window, his chest aching with every breath.
**
Alastor
The moment they stepped through the door, Lucifer all but kicked Alastor’s suitcase to the side, hands already tugging at his boyfriend’s coat and unwinding his scarf with the enthusiasm of someone unwrapping a long-awaited gift. Damn, that was a dangerous thought to have right now.
“Come on, come on!” Lucifer chirped, bouncing up and down, guiding him forward by the shoulders. He didn’t notice the way Alastor flinched at the touch.
Alastor barely had time to blink before the living room opened up before him in a sea of warm lights.
His gaze drifted slowly across each space making up their home. From the festive garland that looped unevenly across the walls, to the small, slightly crooked tree - that he had promised to replace this year but didn’t – which glowed with soft golden lights and ornaments that were undoubtedly hand made.
The dining table was set with candles of various sizes, none of them matching- a common sign that Lucifer once again could not decide which style he liked best and settled to try them all. Alastor knew that habit very well, but at least Lucifer had learned to keep the receipts until Alastor decided for them.
Another set of decors hung over the table in a way that reflected the limitations of a certain blonde’s short stature. Alastor couldn’t help but be amused. Their whole place radiated a kind of earnest, clumsy charm that was so Lucifer.
Lucifer bounced from one area to another, pointing out the decor he had put up while Alastor was away, with sheepish pride. “I know, I know, the garlands are a bit of a disaster but the tree looks good right? I made a whole bunch of stuff for it. And look – snowflake napkins! I folded them myself. H-hey, don’t laugh!” Lucifer pouted.
Alastor laughed anyway.
The decorations weren’t perfect but they were theirs - warm, lived-in and full of love.
Everything Lucifer offered in their relationship. Everything Alastor took for granted.
He wanted to say something tender, appreciative, anything to express how much he adored being welcomed so thoughtfully. But his throat constricted, almost like his body knew he didn’t deserve this. Not after recent…events.
Lucifer grabbed Alastor’s hand and tugged him towards the kitchen. “Okay, come over here. This is the best part!” He stood in front of the island, whipping off a dish towel to reveal a tray of uncooked beignets dusted with flour.
“Ta-da!” Lucifer grinned triumphantly at the way Alastor’s eyes widened in true surprise. “Ooo, the look on your face right now, babe.” Lucifer placed a hand against the other’s chest affectionately. He really loved that face. “And before you say anything cheeky, mom sent me the recipe. So, any complaints go straight to her! Although we both know that won’t happen.”
Alastor froze. His mother. Lucifer. Talking and sharing recipes. His chest tightened, swelling from both affection and dread in equal measure. “You…asked her?” He managed.
“Of course I did. I put it away for safe keeping though, maybe I should laminate it?” Lucifer beamed with every word. “Anyway, Mari was thrilled too! Honestly, a little too thrilled, so don’t be surprised if she says anything weird. Other than her wanting to adopt me still.” He blushed, staring down at the tray instead of his lover’s eyes, trying to hide just how giddy he was. Bright red ears betraying him.
Lucifer was downplaying the significance of this exchange, the intimacy, the implications.
Alastor’s mother was a stickler when it came to exposing her kitchen secrets. Friends and family alike asked what made her cooking so divine - if there was a hidden step in her process or any special ingredients that gave it that extra something . But she never shared what it was, and she never planned to. At least not to just anyone.
Alastor talked about it enough times throughout their relationship for Lucifer to know how the tale went, the truth his mother had shared with him over and over again.
“I’ll tell you this now Al. Ain’t nobody gonna cook for you the way your momma does, so you’ll have to come back and visit me often, especially for the holidays! Unless you marry someone special. Hell, if you date anyone I guess, that in itself deserves a reward for all the trouble. Ha! But if you do meet someone, you bring them to me and maybe I’ll think consider it.”
Even if the recipe was only his mother’s Beignets, it was still very importantly, his mother’s, and she had given it to Lucifer.
And while Alastor had shown Lucifer a few things in the kitchen his mother had taught him, this was entirely different. This went beyond his mother’s teasing, this was in fact, her approval.
Lucifer slipped on his apron and turned on the stove humming as he heated the oil. “Honestly, I called her earlier today when I was prepping…and a few times after that. These little bastards were, er- tricky at first, so I needed her expertise.” He chuckled, recalling the memories, and how much he was downplaying his prep time. He had been so nervous he messed up the very basic parts of the recipe and needed her to coddle him - she was very good at that.
Alastor may be, in every way, a momma’s boy, but Lucifer quickly became a favorite. After of course, he dealt with her calculating gaze and rigid demeanor, followed by an onslaught of questions to discern if he was truly worthy of her son. He hardly could blame her for the whole, nerve wracking ordeal.
He too would be shocked if his 20 something year old asexual son suddenly found a mutual love interest, brought them home to meet, to then find they were some short, blonde white man to boot. Well, maybe he wouldn’t be shocked because he was said short, blonde, white man. But uh, besides the point.
The point being, their bond grew quickly, despite Alastor’s jealousy.
He and Mari – who Lucifer referred to now as mom most times, per her request – were very fond of each other. Lucifer’s biological mother abandoned their family at a young age and so he found his relationship with Mari to be both nurturing and healing in a way he never expected to have.
Lucifer cleared his throat. “Oh, and she had a lot to say about how much you better appreciate the love of your life spoiling you.”
Alastor’s face went hot, quickly looking away from Lucifer’s widening grin. He had no doubt she would say such a thing, even if Lucifer was just teasing.
Alastor’s chest tightened even further.
A feeling that came and went as it pleased since last night, refusing to stay away for long.
An unrelenting reminder that:
He was going to break Lucifer’s heart.
He was going to watch the light leave those bright, adoring eyes.
He was going to destroy the one good thing he had ever allowed himself to have.
It was why, despite how desperately Alastor wanted to enjoy these moments, he simply could not.
Every gesture, every word, every bit of love poured into this night felt like a knife stabbing into his heart, threatening to expose the truth. A truth he wouldn’t be able to keep to himself much longer.
But it was difficult to surmise when the perfect time would be to ruin such a beautiful night.
“Oh! Almost forgot.” Lucifer dropped the first batch of beignets into the sizzling oil, took off his dusted apron, and darted out of the kitchen and over to the vinyl player. Soon, a soft crackle filled the room, before a familiar melody drifted through the air.
Alastor recognized it immediately - an old holiday record he grew up listening to, one he’d played for Lucifer for the first time last year, with a shy nostalgia.
It was one of the many things Lucifer had become privy to, shortly after having moving in with Alastor. Luckily for Lucifer, he found the record before his boyfriend’s return, serving as another thoughtful surprise for the evening.
Lucifer turned around, his hand extending as an invitation. “Dance with me.”
Alastor’s brief hesitation was overtaken by Lucifer stepping closer, hands finding Alastor’s waist and guiding him into a slow sway.
The music was gentle, playful, and perfect for twirling - as Lucifer liked to put it.
Lucifer rested his forehead against the other’s chest, inhaling deeply, his senses filling to the brim with Alastor’s scent. His body relaxed immediately. “I missed you,” he murmured. “I know it was just a week but still…it feels like time slows down without you here...with me. And yes, I know, it’s cheesy.” He chuckled softly, fully expecting Alastor to tease him about it as he often did.
“I’m glad you’re home and we finally have a good amount of time off to enjoy ourselves. We could visit some of our friends before they come hunt us down, but honestly? I was thinking we could just focus on us mostly. Go watch a movie, work on some of the things we put off the last few months, and maybe take a walk in the park. Oh! Ice skating, definitely, I have to see those Bambi legs at least one more time before the year ends.”
Alastor’s chuckle vibrated against his chest. “I’d like to think I’ve improved since last time.”
“Pfft.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say nothing at all.
“You were quoting Thumper in your head just now, weren’t you.”
Caught red-handed, Lucifer quickly pivoted, moving his unsuspecting boyfriend into a dip, laughing as Alastor - always light on his feet – still managed steady them both despite the slight panic in his eyes. Lucifer offered him a playful grin and Alastor laughed in return.
They shifted upright and Lucifer spun himself around under Alastor’s arm before settling close once more.
“I’m just trying to say that…I’m really grateful for you. For us. ”
Alastor’s breathe hitched, his stomach fluttering in the way it only ever did for Lucifer.
Lucifer slowed their swaying, no longer looking to move along the music, holding Alastor’s attention. “And I really missed us. This. ” His gaze softened into something warm, familiar, and downright hungry . Yearning for something he had been without for far too long.
He guided Alastor backwards, towards the kitchen once more, until Al’s hips met against the island counter, their bodies pressing together seamlessly as Lucifer moved to kiss him – slow, tender, sensual.
Lucifer hands slid up Alastor’s arms, over his shoulders, moving behind his neck. Goosebumps trailing in their wake. Fingers threaded into brown curls and tugged . Leaving Alastor to shiver helplessly at every touch, a small gasp escaping his lips.
Pleased, Lucifer groaned happily into the kiss, coaxing Alastor to offer him something in return.
Alastor was rapidly coming undone by the second. He missed this, missed him .
The way the smaller man’s weight pressed familiarly against him. The warmth spreading like wild fire throughout his body. A fire that finally burned pleasantly this night. Supple lips he hadn’t tasted for a week, were now beckoning him to a different type of dance.
Alastor’s arms wrapped firmly around Lucifer’s waist and pulled him even closer, his body shuddering in delight as his lover’s lips parted with another moan. He did not hesitate this time. Not when his tongue moved to explore and savor every inch of Lucifer’s mouth. And certainly not when he lowered himself to wedge his leg between Lucifer’s thigh, nearly hoisting the smaller man up, earning a yelp of both surprise and pleasure.
No, Alastor was losing his mind in a different way tonight, and this way was so much better.
There was a comfort in having Lucifer’s affection. When Alastor finally gave in, it stopped the bad thoughts, the guilt, the memories, the shame. Maybe if he just gave this moment everything he had, then the events of last night would not seem so…real. So close to home.
Right now, Lucifer wanted him. And Alastor wanted him back.
There was nothing wrong with that, right? They were happy and in love and that’s all he has ever wanted. He could justify this couldn’t he? Maybe there was no reason to dim the light on their love. He could just forget what happened and carry that burden alone.
Yes, that had to be it, he was certain now.
He could never tell Lucifer the truth. The truth of his affai-.
“Fuck! A-Al” Lucifer gasped, hands pressing lightly against Alastor’s chest, feet scrambling to reached and steady themselves on the floor once more. “I think you forgot breathing was a thing.” His cheeks stained pink; lips plump from the needy assault they welcomed.
Alastor smiled, eyes locking into Lucifer’s as they regained composure. He wished they hadn’t. He was nowhere near satiated.
Feeling indulgent, Alastor moved forward to capture those lips once more. And he nearly did, until the sound of oil crackling from the kitchen broke the spell.
“Shit, the beignets!” Lucifer hopped off Alastor and to the stove in a hurry. Moving the pan off the heat as he checked for any potential damage. “Okay, that was definitely too much time. They’re uh…well, not burned at least. Just a little crispy. We like crispy right? Heh heh…fuck, don’t tell your mom.” He flipped them, adjusting the heat. Turning his head momentarily to address his lover. “I-I think I better stay close until their done frying on this side.”
Alastor hardly registered a word Lucifer spoke- his mind reeled back from the haze of desire, like a stretched-out rubber band reverting violently into place.
Panic gnawed at this throat - sharp, burning, insistent.
What the hell was that? What the fuck was I thinking?
A shaky, uneven breath escaped him. He turned, leaning his lower back against the island, refusing to face Lucifer who – completely unaware of his spiral- was attending to other matters.
Had he seriously, seriously considered not confessing just now? To keep Lucifer in the dark for the rest of their lives?
Impossible.
He couldn’t do that. He knew he couldn’t.
But the feeling of Lucifer in his arms – warm, trusting and unmistakably his – enticed the possibility.
Every touch, smile, kiss and sound from Lucifer’s lips- God help him- it made him weak.
Weak like the coward he was.
And that was his truth now, wasn’t it?
Inexcusably pathetic.
A liar.
A cheat.
A shitty boyfriend.
Just an ungrateful, underserving-
Traitor.
Alastor’s hand flew to his chest, fingers digging into himself where his heart threatened to beat out of him. The pounding grew louder, heavier, sluggish in a way that made his skin crawl.
How could he have done this?
How could he have betrayed Lucifer?
Lucifer, who loved him tenderly.
Who waited months for a kiss and never pushed for more.
Who held him through every trembling attempt at intimacy.
Who filled their home with crooked and mismatched decorations because he wanted tonight to be perfect.
His Lucifer, who asked his mother personally for her recipe.
Who danced with him in this kitchen and stared at him as if Alastor was someone was worth cherishing for all time.
But those eyes did not know yet how wrong they were.
Lucifer deserved the world, not some fool who failed to guard his lover’s heart.
And for what? One night of self-destruction with a man he despised? A pathetic attempt to “fix” himself, as if forcing his body into submission would open him up to new possibilities and magically make him worthy of the love he already had.
It should have been enough. Everything he was and what he offered. Lucifer said it was but Alastor…
Alastor was never able to let it go. The way everything hit his ego.
It left him searching for a way to prove himself. As if testing the idea that, if he could push past his boundaries, Lucifer would finally confess to having been so desperate for it the whole time. That he was only settling for Alastor’s sub-par intimacy because he had no other choice.
Those thoughts wounded him deeply, never closing or healing fully, festering into something hideous over time, poisoning him for most of their relationship silence. It lingered quietly in the dark most days, appearing only to lash out at his lover when the blonde refused to be mad at him and his failures. Like when Alastor accused his lover of lying, sugar coating the truth to spare his pride, and he absolutely hated it. Abhorred it to the point it made him angry, sometimes too angry.
But the truth was, Lucifer hadn’t lied, he simply grew into the relationship in a way Alastor struggled accept.
And now, Alastor had proven he was the only liar here in their home.
Alastor’s vision blurred; stumbling out of his thoughts long enough to find the room tilting downward. He gripped the edge of the island with one hand to steady himself, but the shaking of his limbs grew uncontrollable, violent. Spreading as quickly as the guilt had.
“Alrighty, crisis averted! Well, sort of,” Lucifer rambled cheerfully from the stove. “I’m just going to turn off the oil for now. Juuust in case, we, you know. I mean, if we uh-, I’m not suggesting anything. Although the mood was very good- er, distracting? Good…distracting?” Lucifer moved the pan off the heat then transferred the beignets to safety, before turning back to his lover.
“Al, should I powder these now or- Hey, hey!” Lucifer rounded the island in a heartbeat, reaching for his boyfriend who looked slumped over, clutching his chest as if in pain.
“Alastor!” Lucifer leaned into him, using his body to prevent the brunette from falling outright. He tried to elicit a response, but those brown eyes were squeezed tight. “Hey, hey, come on. Stay with me.”
Alastor’s felt light and heavy all at once. He heard the panic from the smaller man, but his tongue remained noncompliant. Very quickly, last of his strength and consciousness finally slipped. He teetered forward until he was fully pressing into Lucifer’s frame.
His boyfriend’s cursing aloud was the last thing he registered before he went limp.