Chapter Text
Your heart was beating fast.
Sweat drooled on your forehead and the anxiety bubbling in your stomach made your head dizzy. You were gripping the edge of the table to ground yourself, your nails painfully digging into the oak wood when Joel entered the room and you instantly let go, pushing yourself away and approaching him on wobbly knees.
"Joel," you unnecessarily said as though he hadn't seen you yet.
"Hi hon," his husky voice rang in your ear and for some strange reason it sounded louder than usual tonight.
"I need to talk to ya," you said with your head low and almost bursted into tears when you lifted your gaze.
His dark eyes looked concerned and worried and you wanted nothing more than to rip the pain and hurt out of you, bury it deep in the ground underneath his house and have everything be perfect again. Cut out the painful ache right below your chest even if it required the worst methods just to avoid the upcoming conversation.
It wasn't like everything was bad. Of course not. You had good reason to jump into his arms and bury your head in his neck and you would have done that if you hadn't had a certain encounter with Maria the other day. You knew you should have spoken to Joel right away because it was never good to surpress anger and hurt and as your boyfriend wasn't exactly the most talkative and communicative person you oftentimes had to do the emotional heavy lifting for the both of you but this time even you hadn't acted the way you should have. You had needed an evening at the very least to process what Maria had told you and along with the other thing that had just completely swept you off your feet you had cried yourself to sleep that night, unsure of how to handle this situation.
"Course. What's up?" he said sounding like he was in a good mood tonight which made you straighten your back. Although your body was resisting, your insides clenching and twisting when thinking about the words you had already formed in your head, you knew this was the perfect opportunity to talk to him.
"I need to talk to ya," you repeated and Joel laughed, his eyes narrowed.
"You already said that."
"I know."
A crease appeared between his brows and he became suspicious.
"What is it, babe? C'mere."
He sank down on a chair tapping on his thigh to gesture you to sit on his lap but you couldn't. Not now, when the weight on your heart seemed to be trying to drown you, pulling you down and through the ground in the depths of the earth until all you could taste and smell was mud and dirt.
You stood up straight, slightly shaking your head and interwined your fingers in front of you.
"No… I just… I talked to Maria yesterday."
Joel frowned again, folding his hands between his slightly spread legs and tilting his head as he watched you in the dim light.
"Okay?"
"I… I wanted to talk to you a few days ago and I don't know, I didn't and – it's… everything was so much and – I – I know I should've gone to you earlier but – it was too much yesteday and I – "
You suddenly bursted out in tears, your shaky hands pressing on your eyes to hide the wetness dripping on your cheeks but of course Joel had watched you with growing fear and now was on his feet rushing towards you to pull you to his chest.
"Hey, it's okay…," he soothed you, rubbing the small of your back with his left hand while his right pressed your head to his neck.
"I got you, it's alright. We can talk about anythin'. You know that, right? Shhh, hon…"
It felt so good that you wanted to scream but at the same time you felt that you couldn't enjoy it. You had sworn to yourself that you would talk to him and now first had to deserve to be held by him. Therefore you gently pushed against his chest drawing away and immediately turning away to rub your eyes and wipe away the tears. You weren't able to see Joel's puppy eyes that followed your every move and perhaps it was for the better because you surely would have broken down again had you seen the sad look on his face.
"Darlin'. Please talk to me."
Silence fell over the room, broken only by the sound of your sniffing.
"Look at me, baby."
You turned your head carefully and saw Joel's eyes soften at your painfully contorted expression.
"What's goin' on, pumpkin?" he whispered and your chin twitched at the nickname. A deep inhale followed, your brain forcing your body to cooperate and vocalise what was bothering you so you could peacefully fall asleep tonight knowing that you had communicated everything there was to say and had been truthful to your boyfriend.
"I talked to Maria the other day," you started again and wiped over your wet eyes. "I don't really know how… And why… I mean I can't remember why it came up but she said somethin' 'bout you… Somethin' I didn't know an' I… I just couldn't believe that you kept something like this from me, Joel."
It was so quiet in the room that your heart stopped. The air was hot and tense, your lashes nervously fluttering as Joel swallowed loudly, his expression tensing just a little bit.
"What did she say?" he spoke, glancing at you through small eyes. It was hard to hide your anger now and at the same time your breathing became heavy.
"Why didn't you tell me that you have a daughter, Joel?" you pressed and it was way more emotionally loaded than you had planned it in your head. At first, his face was unreadable, the clenching of his fists being the only sign that he had heard you. But then the muscles in his forehead twitched and his face tensed with anger, his nostrils flaring and his teeth gritting.
"Careful," was all he hissed, but now anger washed over you like a wave, swallowing you whole and making you say things you most certainly hadn't meant to.
"I told you everything. Everything I went through and everything that I swore I'd never tell anyone. And I thought you opened up to me as well and now I sit there with Maria and she mentions that you have a daughter an' I have to act like I know who she's talkin' about? How the fuck do I not know about this, Joel?"
"You better shut up now," Joel whispered but it sounded dangerous. Unfortunately you were at a point where you couldn't hold back anymore and almost acted hysterical. The little knives that seemed to cut in your heart were simply to painful and you felt that the only way to deal with the unbearable sorrow was to let it all out. Thus, you threw your hands in the air, walking around Joel like an animal hungry for its prey and your teary eyes spitting fire at him. You had wanted to stay calm and you had been at the beginning of the conversation, but now you were in a maelstrom that was sucking you in and there was nothing you could do about it.
"This is just so goddamn typical of you. I trusted you an' I opened up to you like I've never fuckin' done before. And we talked about this so many times, you not being able to get your shit together and communicate with me in a healthy way and every time I think 'oh he's definitely doing better and starting to tell me more, too' you come around with somethin' like this. You have a daughter named Sarah? What the fuck? Where is she and who is she and – and what the fuck? Where did she come from all of a sudden?"
You had to inhale deeply because you were so out of breath. You panted loudly, the anger still making the air around you feel heated but you didn't even have any time to calm yourself because new accusations were stumbling out of your mouth.
"I fuckin' get that you need time 'n' all but we can't go on like this. You can't just keep those things to yourself so I have to learn about it from freakin' Maria? Not just for our bond but because I have to know shit about you, Joel. We're a couple and I have to know about your fucking life and – and who you are – and what you have done in your life – and – "
"SHE'S DEAD!"
There was a high-pitched noise in your ears. It hurt and stung but you couldn't do anything about it. Your head was throbbing, your pulse roaring in your whole body. All you could do was stare at Joel. Look at the sweat on his forehead. His flexed bicep. His glistening eyes. His clenched jaw. His mouth that was in a thin line. The heavy lifting of his chest.
He took a big step towards you that made you flinch but your feet didn't follow the commands of your brain and you were frozen.
"She's dead and that's why I didn't tell you about her. That's why I have the scar on my temple, that's why I swore to myself to never have any kids again and that's why I don't go to the fuckin' cemetery with you."
You wanted to throw up. A brief moment later you believed that you might actually empty yourself on the carpet but in the last moment you coughed which certainly didn't fit the moment but you couldn't help yourself. Tears were rolling down your face although you hadn't even noticed you had started to cry again.
"S'that what you wanted, mhm? You wanted me to tell you all of this on our first fuckin' date? 'Cause you think you're my goddamn therapist or somethin' that feels entitled to work through my fuckin' trauma all the time?"
He came closer and now your weak knees managed to take a step back which made you bump into a chair and you stumbled, your hand closing around the edge of the table just before you would have fallen. You sobbed uncontrollably but Joel seemingly didn't care which terrified you more than anything else. Your view was blurry and you felt sick in every part of your body. Your throat felt sore and the lump that was restricting your breathing wouldn't vanish any time soon, you were certain.
"Stop fuckin' cryin'," Joel fizzled, towering over you, who hunched over slightly, as if you could escape his piercing gaze that way.
"M'sorry," you mumbled and wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around you but you had never been more emotionally distanced from him than in that moment so you didn't even attempt to dream about it.
"I don't fuckin' care," he hissed and then suddenly turned around and left the room.
You wrapped your arms around yourself as if you could protect yourself that way, inhaled deeply but the needed air simply didn't come. Perhaps you would just suffocate, you thought and tightly held on the table. Strangled cries left your mouth and you whinced as you became more and more aware of what had just happened. How could you have been so stupid? How was it possible that it didn't cross your mind for once that his daughter might be dead? You had fucked up. You had fucked up big time and there was no way of catching those hurtful words that had come out of your mouth and swallow them before they could reach Joel's ears.
Suddenly your heartbeat thundered in your chest and cold sweat broke across your back. The insides of your cheeks were hurting from the way you had chewed on them and all you could taste now was fresh blood that didn't do anything for your rumbling stomach. You were still crying but almost didn't pay mind to it at all as you tried to calm your racing heart and quick and unsteady breaths.
What were you supposed to do? Follow him, apologize a million times and hope that he would listen to you? Leave and give him time to process your fight? But what if you would lose him? What if he would be gone with the wind quicker than you were able to notice and this wicked evening would end up taking from you what you held so dear.
You didn't know Joel for that long, to be fair. How could you, he had only arrived in Jackson roughly a year ago. And looking back, you had been cowardly, dancing around him, imagining what it would be like to go on a date with him, but too shy to actually ask him out. It had taken you almost three months until your best friend had finally convinced you that you had nothing to lose and the following weeks and months had felt like a cheesy movie.
Your first date in a café where Joel had told you all about his adventures with Ellie, his slightly grumpy mood that seemed to fade away in the gentle autumn wind the longer the two of you talked and eventually your first kiss on his veranda. You had bonded over music and movies, and somehow you both had found in each other something to hold on to. It was hard not to feel broken in this world but now you clung to each other in a desperate attempt to have at least some stability in life. To hold on to something that would last. Something that you could put your trust in. Something that couldn't make you forget the pain and suffering both of you had endured in the past but something that could try and stitch it up so the pieces could grow back together and leave a scarred wound.
And the time you had spent together had been beautiful and yet it was still delicate and fragile and right now you couldn't help but feel that you had fucked it up. That you had shattered the vulnerable bond between Joel and you and that he had come to the realisation that as pleasant as your time together was, it wouldn't be enough after all. That you were not strong enough to carry his burden and go on with him which would leave him no choice but to let you go. He would leave you behind as he went on and then you would be lost in the darkness just like you had been before Joel and you would try to find orientation in this wasteland of your heart without him and you honestly didn't know if you would be able to do that.
And then there was this other thing. This other way bigger and way more important thing that you had tried to tell him just now but of course you had panicked and messed up and looking back you now realised that you should have told him earlier. 'That's why I swore to myself to never have any kids again.'
The words rang aggressively in your ears, taking control of you like cordyceps and making you shiver as if you were in the middle of a snowstorm. It was just his words, just the promise he had made to himself that now gave you no choice but to cry again. You were almost too tired to cry but at the same time you couldn't hold back the tears and simply prayed that Joel wouldn't hear you. You were still in his house after all and although the bond of you had grown deep and intense during the last few weeks you weren't living together yet.
Leaving and going back to your own place was the right thing to do but somehow you felt that if you went through that door, turning your back towards his house and walking past his mailbox it would set an end to something. Something that you couldn't quite grasp just yet but at the same time you didn't want to find out. What if this had just done serious damage to your relationship? What if Joel wouldn't forgive you so easily?
You just couldn't lose him, not after everything you had gone through. You've lost more people than you can count, you've had to bury your own sister and move on because there just wasn't time to deal with her death, and you've had to say goodbye to the people closest to your heart.
You remembered the way you had sat on your bed after your first date with Joel. There had been a smile on your face, very slight and careful as if you were just starting to explore something that was beautiful and endearing but you feared about the consequences. After a single date you had felt ready to pour your little heart out to him and be embraced by his warmth, but at the same time you were so scared to put your love into another person's hand and have them slip it out of their hand once more.
And now you were here with Joel shouting at you and it was entirely on you. Carefully, you pushed yourself away from the table to straighten your back. No matter how miserable you were feeling right now, Joel needed time now and so did you. And no matter how angry he was with you, you would fight for this, for your relationship. Perhaps you overdramatised all of this. You were tired, you had cried so much today and were overstained with all of these recent events so it was no surprise that your nerves were especially thin today. What you needed was a good amount of sleep and maybe when you woke up tomorrow and confront Joel again everything would turn out fine. Yes, you thought. You would be fine; had to be fine. You didn't know what else you would do.
The next day you woke up with a stuffy nose. You immediately exhaled and turned to your other side, the corners of your mouth dropping as a cold wasn't what you needed right now but the problem became second row when you remembered the events of the day before. A quiet whimper escaped your throat as you stared at the ceiling and pulled the blanket under your chin.
You didn't know when was the last time you had woken up without Joel but it must have been a long time ago. The way he would embrace you when he opened his eyes before you, pulling your sleeping body towards him and nudge his face against your neck. The way he would inhale your scent and hold you so close as if he was just as scared to lose you as you were to lose him.
Suddenly there was a big lump in your throat and fresh tears collected in your eyes. You missed him and his presence and you knew you couldn't wait another day to go over to his house. When you had cried yourself to sleep last night you had promised yourself to give him the next day and not show up at his place and risk to annoy him but you physically couldn't fall asleep alone in your bed another night. Perhaps you were clingy and needy and maybe he would be pissed that you didn't let him breathe freely for a few hours before apologizing to him but you accepted it.
You would have loved to immediately do it, walk the short way to his house, apologize to him and make sure that the two of you were still good but although it pained you, you forced yourself to have breakfast first, start the dishwasher and do all sorts of other things just to distract yourself. But no matter how hard you tried Joel was in your head at all times and at some point you stopped fighting it. His face, his voice, his eyes lingered in your mind and seemed to haunt you every step you took, but you surrendered to it, allowing a few tears to quietly roll down your cheeks while you stuffed your dirty clothes into the washing machine.
It was 12am when you looked at the clock. You hesitated and fought the urge to throw your jacket on and instead decided to make yourself lunch before the inevitable encounter. Because as much as you wished to get over with it already and tell Joel how sorry you were you were afraid, too. Afraid that everything was so much worse than you hoped and that there would be serious consequences to the way you had messed up. And then there was the life that was growing in your belly at this moment.
You had to tell him. It was the only right thing to do but then again you heard his words over and over again in your head and it was strange because when he had said them they had sounded muffled and far away but now in your memory they were clearer than the white of the snow and the blue sky outside.
'That's why I swore to myself to never have any kids again.'
You gulped but the lump in your throat wouldn't go away. He didn't want any kids and of course you accepted it. You had never planned to be a parent, not because you actively decided not to be, but simply because it had never been a prospect. All your life you had fought for your survival and for the safety of the people around you and romantic love, let alone offspring had never been on your mind.
But now it was. There was a child growing in your belly. A child that Joel didn't want. You hadn't even had any time to think about your thoughts on this. Your first reaction had been shock and surprise, then you had doubted that the test was right, but when you had done three more, all positive, you had felt overwhelmed and had panicked about how to tell your boyfriend.
And then there had been the conversation with Maria that had totally swept you off your feet and your mind had been elsewhere for a while and now… Now you at least knew what Joel thought about having children so had he already chosen for you? Bringing a child into this evil world was a thought that had scared you at first. Not because you didn't like children, but because there would be another beloved creature that could possibly be taken away from you.
You had to care for yourself, now had found true and deep love in Joel – and you sometimes woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that involved losing him – and would have to protect a vulnerable little child? It sounded terrifying and surreal but on the other hand… If you did it with him? If Joel was at your side, accompaning you throughout the whole journey? Raising a child with the love of your life suddenly didn't sound so bad. Maybe it was the Joel-effect because sometimes when you were with him you felt like the two of you could defeat everyone in the world. You were torn between the fear of him getting dragged away from you and the poetic trust that you could go through anything as long as he was with you and your attitude highly depended on your mood – whether you felt miserable and depressed or like a hopeless romantic.
Suddenly you had to smile which felt unfamiliar because the muscles in your cheeks hadn't worked for quite a while now. But you couldn't help it, you saw Joel and yourself in your mind, cradling a little baby in your arms while he had his arms around your waist. His chin resting on your shoulder as the two of watched the little creature that was safe in your grip. Yes, you oftentimes hated this world and everything and everyone on it. But having a family with Joel…? Living with him, waking up beside him every day and watching your child grow up together? Keeping it safe with him and having an actual family with him? You had never even dared thinking about it and the thought lingering in your head was too beautiful to even consider.
There is nothing to consider. Joel has made clear what he thinks about having children.
The corners of your mouth dropped just as quickly as they had lifted.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
That was what happened when you daydreamed for too long. There was no family, there was no future that involved him, you and a little child and he hadn't been shy to let you know about his opinions. Even if you would be able to make up with him and make him forgive you, there was no way he would suddenly embrace you and celebrate the fact that you were pregnant. He would probably just immediately dump you and tell you to stay away from him and you weren't even able to be mad about it. His daughter died and you couldn't imagine how horrible that must have been. Having a child now might make him feel like he was trying to replace his daughter's memory or he simply was too scared to lose another child and go through the same sorrow again. Putting this burden upon him was cruel and heartbreaking, but… what were you supposed to do? You were pregnant right now, whether it was convenient, whether you wanted to be or not.
Suddenly, a loud noise made you flinch and you remembered that you had wanted to cook yourself lunch before visiting Joel. You blinked a few times and then looked around trying to figure out where that noise had come from.
The door.
A loud knock on the door and you couldn't think of a lot of people who would show up at your place on a Sunday noon. You rose from the chair and headed to the door, your feet dragging over the floor and your heart sinking lower in your stomach with every slow step you took.
Your shaky hand grabbed the door handle and you closed your eyes, inhaling and forcing yourself to breathe steadily before turning it and opening the door only to look right into a pair of dark eyes. At first, this was all you could focus on. His deep eyes that had left you in awe back when you had started dating because you had never felt so lost in someone's gaze. You felt that you could drown in those eyes, the hazel tone somehow offering you the promise of home and had you not felt so awful you might have been able to fill ahundred pages of a book, solely focused on describing those perfect warm eyes that were shimmering like sunlight reflecting on clear blue water.
The only problem was, well, his eyes were squeezed. Everything about his face was tense and hard, his mouth a thin line, his neck flexed and a crease between his eyebrows. It almost looked a little bit like he was pouting as he briefly ran his eyes over you and then walked right past you like he owned the place. What had you expected? A warm morning hug?
You closed the door behind Joel and then followed him into the living room where he had sat down on the armrest of your couch and something about the way he looked so natural and right in the center of your living room made you sad. He was meant to be in here. He was a part of this room, the heart of your house just like he was part of your home and your heart. You were on the verge of crying again although you hadn't even exchanged a word so far but Joel was about to change that from the way he cleared his throat.
"I needa talk to ya," he began, his voice rough but much steadier than you felt. You nodded and folded your hands in front of your stomach just to do anything.
"Yes. I wanted to talk to you, too," you replied and wondered why your voice sounded so high. His eyes found yours and you tried your best not to avert your gaze but Joel redeemed you soon anyway and pressed his hand on his eyes, rubbing them while exhaling loudly.
"We have to – "
"I'm sorry, Joel," you interrupted him. "I'm so sorry, I… I really am."
Your eyes were round, your pupils dilated as you ran your gaze over him in desperate search of any sign of reaction. Any sign that the two of you would be fine. Joel exhaled loudly, his shoulders rising and falling and then dropped his hands to his side to look at you again.
"This ain't gonna work."
There was this high pitched noise in your ear again that had been there the day before. You stared at him but didn't actually perceive him, didn't see how he swallowed deeply or how he bit down on his bottom lip. When your mouth twitched you didn't know how much time had passed and for how long you had looked at him in silence.
"What," you breathed, your eyes wet, but you somehow weren't able to let go off the tears just yet.
"This… between us. It ain't gonna work."
"Because of yesterday? I'm sorry, Joel, I… I wanna make it up to you and I know that I'm gonna be able to – I… please, you're not breaking up with me right now, are you?"
Joel grinded his teeth as he turned around to run a hand through his hair, his fingers nervously tapping against the desk.
"Jesus… I don't wanna talk about yesterday right now."
"What," you hissed, your voice airy and weak and your heart beating louder than ever before.
"Listen, I… yesterday was messed up 'n' all but the reason I'm here today is 'cause…" He sighed and put his hands on his hips.
"Fuck. You're too young for me an' I'm too fuckin' old for you and it's been on my mind all the goddamn time since we started datin' but I don't know I shut the voice up and acted like it's right but I can't no longer."
You narrowed your eyes at him, the content of his words slowly and with some delay reaching your brain.
"What," you whispered again but this time you weren't lost for words. "Joel, this… you can't mean that."
"Yeah I do," he grimly said, his eyes flickering as a single tear escaped from the corner of your eye.
"Give me one reason why it's a problem. I'm an adult, I can choose who I wanna be with 'n' I… I just don't get it, this is bullshit." Your voice had became high and thin which made you fear you were about to have a panick attack so you pressed your hand to your chest to calm the rapid pounding of your heart.
"It ain't right. I'm not gonna deny I had a very beautiful time with you, y/n, but the age gap is too big for somethin' serious," he whispered, his voice softer now but it only enraged you further.
"Fuck you," you hissed before you could properly think about it and although you instantly regretted it you couln't stop.
"Fuck you, Joel Miller. This is a stupid fuckin' excuse 'cause of yesterday and I know you don't wanna talk about it so now you're choosing to lie to me instead and use our fuckin' age gap as a reason why you don't wanna be with me anymore. This is horseshit and-and stupid and…"
You stopped mid-sentence because Joel had pushed himself away from the desk and now took a step towards you, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
"No," was all he said through clenched teeth, his mouth forming a thin line.
"Be honest with me at least," you sobbed and pushed against his chest once. You didn't care about anything anymore. You didn't care about crying or being childish for not being able to accept his words. All you wanted was for Joel to take you in his arms and tell you that he loved you just as much as you loved him. Did he? Had he loved you at some point during your relationship or had it just been a fling for him? Or was he actually lying to you and the core of his problem was yesterday's fight.
"Be fuckin' honest," you shouted and pushed against his chest once more which Joel reacted to by grabbing your wrists and pinning them to your hips.
"Stop it," he said with a voice that was way too calm for the occasion.
"No you stop it."
"I am honest. I told you, you're too young. We shouldn't have even started dating in the first place."
Although you had felt like your heart had already been shattered into a million little pieces it seemed to shatter again at his words and you brought a hand to your mouth to surpress you uncontrolled sobs.
"How can you say something like this?" you cried and flinched when Joel involuntarily took a step towards you. Had you been able to see through the curtain of tears you would have noticed that his eyes were glossy now as well and it might have made you feel better. But you didn't so you allowed your sadness and despair to utterly take over and you spat out everything that came to your mind.
"S-So you're just g-gonna end it 'cause you randomly remembered that you're o-older than m-me and now that's it? It d-didn't mean anything to you a-and we're just gonna l-live our separate lives f-from now on and act like nothing ever happened?"
"Of course it meant something to me," Joel whispered and he sounded just the way he sounded when he wanted to comfort you which didn't do anything for your current state. You whimpered when you felt his arms wrap around you and your first instinct was to make him let go so you winded in his hold.
"N-No..." you whimpered, wanting to shut off all your senses because now you could smell his scent and feel his warmth and touch the rough fabric of his shirt and it hurt you so much that you squirmed as Joel put his hand on the back of your head.
"Y/n," he whispered but you didn't listen.
"Let m-me go," you stuttered and after a brief moment of silence he did and somehow it felt even worse.
Now it was coldness and lonliness that silently embraced you and when he took a step back it meant something. He was leaving you right now and if you weren't careful he would slip away. It was like you could feel his finger against yours and all you had to do was hold on tightly and pull him back, but you couldn't. You couldn't grasp at him and he would leave. He would leave because all of this hadn't been that important to him and perhaps you had just floated around Jackson on cloud seven the last couple of months but it seriously had meant something to me. Fuck, it had meant more than something to you. Joel was the love of your life and you were about to watch him leave out your front door.
"Please," you whimpered, a weak hand reaching for him but he didn't react, his sad brown eyes lingering on your tear-stained face.
"Joel."
"I'm sorry," he murmured and put his hands in his front pockets as though he would feel less bad for not taking your hand if they were occupied elsewhere.
"It meant something to me. Of course it did. But it can't go on."
You couldn't even disagree or fight back, all you did was stand with weak knees wishing that the floor would swallow you and take the pain away. The stinging sharp sting that had started in your chest but had spread all throughout your body and was so breath-takingly excruciating that the flesh of your limbs seemed to melt off your tired bones. Joel opened his mouth and you expected to hear another cruel word but he seemed to change his mind and just nodded once.
"I'm sorry. I really am. But I wish you the best."
A cold hysteric laugh broke out of you which was followed by another wave of fresh tears. You wanted to reply and insult him or refuse to accept this pathetic attempt of a breakup or just scream and shout mindless words but it seemed like your throat had shut down and not even the quietest rasped noise could escape. Your swollen eyes were on the back of his head when he turned around to slowly head to the door.
You hated everything about it, how slowly he set one foot in front of the other as if he wanted to give you time to stop him but this honestly couldn't be the case because he had been the one to end it so why not just vanish in the air instead of spending an unnecessary amount of time in your home.
You stared at the ground counting the carves and lines in the wooden floor until you twitched at the sound of your door slamming shut. He wasn't supposed to leave. He was supposed to lay with you on the couch, his arms holding you close to his chest, protecting you from the cold and dark and a crappy old movie playing on your TV that Joel swore you just 'had to see'. He was supposed to listen to your complaints about the cold weather that you, as someone who was born in the south of the continent weren't used to and he was supposed to braid your hair in the mornings while you sat in front of the mirror and could laugh about his focused expression in the reflection.
He most definitely wasn't supposed to step out of your door without knowing when the two of you would be seeing each other again. It even had become a running gag between Joel and you because once you had started dating he had never let you go without agreeing on the next date.
You remembered standing on his doorstep, his lips pressing a soft kiss on your cheek and his lips curled in a crooked smirk. 'When will I see you again?' he had asked and you had shyly chuckled, your nervous hands toying with the hem of your jacket. 'Maybe Thursday? But a little bit later because I'm working long.'
Joel had pursed his lips and the I-don't-like-physical-contact and don't-show-any-emotions Joel Miller had grabbed your hand for a brief moment and squeezed it. 'Okay. 'Cause I really wanna see you again. And I think it would kill me to watch you leave without the promise that we're gonna see each other again.' You had laughed, excited butterflies swirling in your stomach and restlessly shifted your weight from one foot to the other. 'I wanna see you again, too, Joel.'
The memory made your stomach turn and you feared that you were going to throw up all over the carpet. That was it. He had ended it and he had made pretty clear that he wouldn't change his mind. When you started to feel dizzy once more you feared to actually have a panick attack so you forced yourself to inhale although it felt like iron clamps were closing around your lungs with every breath.
The drumbeat in your ears, the cold clammy sweat that pooled on your back, the weight of fear that pressed down on your shoulders. Everything was too much and the situation seemed to slip out of your hands when your view became blurry. You quickly grabbed the backrest of a chair, steadying yourself and then sinking to the floor before you could collaps. The ground wasn't comfortable at all but at least your weak legs didn't have to carry your weight now and so for a moment you felt better, your head resting against the chair and your throbbing pulse making it impossible for you to concentrate on anything else.
A whimper escaped your mouth but now there was no reason for you to hold back so you allowed yourself to break into tears and your loud sobs echoed against the high walls of your living room. Your sad empty lonely living room that suddenly felt like a prison. Or rather a cold basement. The kind that children were scared to enter alone in movies.
You adjusted on the floor, your back finding support against the chair leg and in that moment you believed that nothing in the world could make you rise from this spot again. There was nothing left. Nothing that you cared about enough to make you do anything. Perhaps you should just stay there and either starve or freeze to death because what did it matter anyway? Joel had been your life's purpose, your reason to get up and keep going even at the deepest lows in your life and you were just tired of pretending that the two of you had casually dated a few months.
You had fallen head over heels for him, been swept off your feet and fallen in love in every other poetic way there is to describe it. And you couldn't believe that Joel hadn't felt the same way; things had felt too real and natural.
Your shivering hand came down to rest on your lower stomach, an unpleasant ache in your chest.
You hadn't told him.
You knew you should have but the last hour had been agitating enough and you weren't sure you would have been able to handle announcing the surprise. So there you were now, left alone by your boyfriend you had believed to be the love of your life, pregnant with his child and unable to get up from the floor because it just hurt too much. Were you supposed to raise this child on your own now? Joel had just broken up with you and although the memory was still way too fresh and surreal to process it, you knew what it meant.
Not only did he not want to be part of your life, no, he had made clear what he thought about children. This had to be one horrible nightmare, you thought as you rubbed over your eyes that just wouldn't stop producing tears.
And while you had always found yourself in Joel's caring arms whenever you had a nightmare in the past few months, now you were on your own.