Work Text:
It wasn’t unusual to find Elphaba sitting on the school grounds, doing nothing, as far as Glinda could tell. What could such a fiery, restless girl with a hunger for knowledge hundreds of times greater than for anything else, ever find in the dullness of Shiz that she didn’t find in any of the classes she could be attending?
“Why, miss Elphaba, have our teachers finally managed to ruin philosophy for you?”, Glinda asked. She had escaped their lessons for much less, but it didn’t seem like Elphaba would do the same unless an outing with their circle or personal research compelled her to.
Elphaba blinked slowly, she didn’t do it that often. To Glinda it looked like she had to get the urge out of her all in one go, to manage keeping her eyes open for so long.
“I thought you knew me better, miss Glinda,” Elphaba was talking slower than usual, as if coming to her senses. “Nothing could ruin philosophy!”
“Oh yes, it seems I have forgotten I was talking to the late Doctor Dillamond’s star protege!”
It was a bit cheeky the way Glinda talked to Elphaba, she often found herself cringing after their chats, but she couldn’t help the way her voice got higher, or the insufferably sweet teasing that slided out of her mouth before her brain could catch up with it.
“But if I may ask, if you’re not doing the reasonable thing and running away from those bores, then what are you doing here?”
Elphaba smiled at her before she spoke, a bit ugly as usual, like she didn’t really know how to do it right. “I don’t sleep, you’ve certainly noticed that, but I still need to rest. I can’t help the time my body decides it is fit for it.”
Glinda sat next to her wicked thing. What a character her roommate was! Glinda had never heard of girls who didn’t sleep, didn’t drink water, or it seems, didn’t do anything outside of thinking. But then again, Elphaba wasn’t much of a girl, was she?
“Well, dearie,” Glinda couldn’t help giggling in between her words. When did Elphaba become ‘dearie’ to her? “As far as I’ve heard, not sleeping for prolonged periods of time usually leads to death, does that not worry you?”
“Ah, no, no… I won’t die,” Elphaba talked facing the air rather than Glinda, but she rested her hand on her roommate's as she went on. Glinda was used to Elphie’s little quirks by now, she rarely looked at people when she talked, at first it was quite disconcerting, until she realized how deeply the green girl looked at her when she listened to Glinda talk.
“The life force a good night’s sleep would grant me, I get from other things. I have a sister to take care of, much history and biology to study, I have a world to change. Too much keeping me pinned to this world. As long as I have those things, my body can’t stop working. I’m too stubborn to let it.”
Elphaba turned back to look at Glinda, and for a moment it looked as if she found something on Glinda’s face that didn’t sit right with her, but at times it was so hard to tell what Elphaba was feeling.
What Glinda could tell was that she had been staring long, and that she never felt as adoring as when she heard Elphaba talk. Maybe Elphaba could tell Glinda was the one far gone from this world, and completely devoted to hers.
“Well…”, Glinda didn’t really know what she was going to say, she barely remembered she still existed, but as it was becoming rather usual, her mouth was much faster than her brain, “Is there any chance I am included in that little list of yours? Giving you some life force too?”
Elphaba gave her a funny look. “You don’t need me,” she said.
“That’s not true, I would die without you. I’m not jesting!”, she added when Elphaba cackled.
“Oh, my sweet, you may love me so, but you would do just fine without me, I can tell you that much. I live for what I’m useful for, and I have no use for you.”
“It’s not about use, you wretched, evil thing! It’s about… need! Or rather want. I may do fine without you, but if I don’t have you then it is not really a living I want.” This was going far too close to thoughts she wasn’t sure she should touch, but everything she could say about her feelings Elphaba already knew implicitly. They knew everything they meant to each other, but that didn’t mean it was okay to say it.
“You don’t need to think I depend on you like your siblings do to acknowledge I give your life meaning too. I for one can say you fill my life with meaning!”, a meaning that she would be lucky to find a fraction of in anything else. Glinda knew Elphaba wasn’t hers to keep, and someday they would part, she tried to be fine with it, even, but that didn’t mean the thought didn’t break her silly heart. What was she to do without her best friend, her other half?!
Elphie hummed, seeming a bit guilty by having hurt her, but still unwavering.
“You fill my life with meaning, my sweet. I love you, but I won’t live for you when I know I’m more leech than help in your life. I may be dense, but I’m not selfish as to ruin your plans of a comfortable future.”
“Well maybe loving is a bit selfish,” and Glinda knew it was because when time to leave came around, she would not let Elphaba go. She didn’t need, maybe didn’t even want, Glinda in her life with the same pull, but she wanted to try. Maybe Elphaba was meant for the world, and Glinda meant for… Well, she used to think she was meant for greatness, comfort. But now she was not so sure anymore. The riches, success, enormous houses, good husbands, they were all she thought fit to crave, but once she met Elphaba, the one who went against everything Glinda was taught to be good — and most of all, normal — she suddenly couldn’t seem to crave anything but her.
Elphaba wasn’t any good for her on any tangible level, that was true, but the more time went by, the more Glinda couldn’t unattatch her own idea of fulfillment from her. Couldn’t imagine what of life, of her own self, would remain without her.
Maybe if Elphaba was the world’s, then Glinda was Elphaba’s, as scary as that notion may be.
“You put my wellbeing before my presence in your life. Maybe that is generous of you, but I myself don’t have that generosity. To me you are mine, and I want to keep you. I would appreciate it if you sought to keep me, too.”
Glinda thought this might be fitting time for a hug, a brush of hands. A kiss, really. But she couldn’t stand to kiss Elphaba if she didn’t know she was going to be chased and longed for with reciprocity.
Elphie looked down, her tired, droopy eyes not giving anything away as she sighed.
“I will try,” Elphaba made a show of sounding like this was the most tiring of labors. “To keep you, that is. My heart, my soul, if I even have one, they’re all yours, my darling. But never my self. That is mine to keep.”
Elphaba seemed regretful, but unwavering as she continued, “You are one unlucky idiot, my Glinda. You have found a lover that can never give themself fully to you. I just hope that what I can give will be enough for you.”
She knew it wasn’t, that it was never going to be. But Glinda preferred to have parts of her wicked girl, than none of her at all. So of course she said;
“It is.”