Work Text:
Sometimes there are days when I wake up and just have this feeling that today isn’t going to be the best. I can’t quite describe the feeling or say exactly what’s causing it, it’s just there.
Today is one of those days.
Maybe it’s because of that slightly oppressive feeling I had last night when I was forced to remember Earn and how he excluded me, I wonder as I am making my way to work alone.
My friends had to leave earlier today. They were at a promotional shoot where I wasn’t needed and they probably didn’t want to wake me up, so I woke up alone this morning.
Once I arrive at the office, I greet my coworkers and then sit down at my computer to edit some photos and videos from the latest music video shoot. Shortly after 1 p.m., I get a message from Thame.
Hey. We should be done here around 2 p.m. It would be great if you could pick us up—Cliff was the driver this morning and Jun’s already worked himself up enough.
I furrow my brow briefly at this very oddly worded message but then send a short reply.
All right, I'll be on my way right away! Maybe we should talk to our management about Cliff again… See you soon! :)
Cliff was a fairly new driver and would get worked up over absolutely anything and everything. Especially early in the morning, this could be very exhausting for the members of Mars.
I’d already heard complaints about him on several occasions; maybe he just wasn’t a good fit for our company.
I grab our car keys and my cell phone and slowly make my way to the underground parking garage.
Once I reach the car I get in, place my phone face-up on the center console in case another important message comes in, turn on the GPS and drive off.
As I drive my thoughts start to race and I find myself thinking about the message from Thame. Usually, he sends increasingly outlandish messages with strange emojis.
Did something happen on set? Or was there something I didn’t remember that made him upset with me?
I must have taken the next turn at a traffic light a little too sharp because with a clattering sound my phone disappears between the seat and the center console. Great—to get there, I’d have to stop now.
Luckily, the GPS is built into the car so I can worry about my phone later. Unfortunately, I keep worrying about the message for the rest of the drive and wonder if I missed something.
When I finally arrive, I’m greeted right away by my friends who are already waiting for me at the entrance.
“Hey. Great, thanks for picking us up!” Pepper greets me and one by one they get in with a quick hello… all sitting in the back without anyone sitting up front with me.
Confused, I turn around briefly to look at them, but don´t say anything. Jun, however, looks at me and then smiles wearily.
“I think we’re all going to take a quick nap.”
I nod slightly, as if that answers my unspoken question, and start the engine to drive back to the company.
When we get back and everyone—except Nano, who had another appointment—gets out of the car and stretches themselves, I notice my own tiredness and a hint of a headache.Great, the day just keeps getting better.
I follow the four of them into the building and head back toward my desk.
“We’re planning to go to the bar later—do you want to come?” Dylan asks me before we go our separate ways.
Normally I’d say yes; even though I’m not the biggest fan of bars, it’s always fun with my friends. But today I’m not really in the mood and it feels like my headache is getting worse, so I just shake my head slightly and look at Dylan uncertainly.
“I’ll think about it…” I say, smiling slightly.
He nods, and we finally say goodbye to get back to work. I work for a while longer until my headache gets so bad that I have to turn off the lights in the room and just close my eyes for a bit. A short break, and then I’ll finish this video…
The next time I open my eyes it’s pitch black in the office and when I boot up my computer again, I realize I must have dozed off for almost an hour… so it’s going to be later than I’d hoped today…
Well, at least my headache has eased up, and the fatigue is slowly starting to fade. I keep working intently until I’m finally done and gather my few belongings to head home. As I step out of my office, I realize I seem to be the last person left in the office.
All the rooms are dark, and there’s an almost eerie silence. I go into our large break room to grab the car keys, which I had dutifully hung back up earlier, only to find that they’re gone.
…
Have the others forgotten about me? They didn’t even let me know they were leaving or that I’d have to find another way home if I wasn’t coming to the bar with them.
A queasy feeling comes over me, and for a moment I just stand there in front of the hook which normally is holding the now missing key.
All the little irregularities I noticed today and that strange feeling from this morning suddenly hit me like a mental bolt of lightning. Was I right to be worried after all? Maybe I should have brought it up with the others earlier?
Usually, my friends always make me feel like I could talk to them about anything, and we always try to address stressful topics right away so they don’t escalate in the first place. We had found a good rhythm in living together.
But right now, I can’t feel that sense of security within myself. Sighing, I head outside and lock the door with our security system. It’s no use; I’ll just take a taxi home.
I reach into my pocket to pull out my phone and make the call, but my hand comes up empty. Slightly panicked, I feel around in my pockets and search through my jacket… to no avail.
Great, did I leave it at the office? Frowning, I look at the building I just locked up for the night. If I go back now, I’ll have to deal with why someone re-entered the building after hours tomorrow… security protocol or something like that.
Indecisive, I just stand there frozen for a few seconds. I swallow hard and then start walking, away from the office, towards home.
A 45-minute walk hasn’t hurt anyone yet… I try to convince myself.
But the longer I’m on the move the more time I have to worry. I feel old self-doubts welling up inside me. Am I not good enough for others? Am I doing too little to be recognized as a friend?
I replay the last few hours with my friends in my mind and can’t help but think of every strange facial expression I saw. Were my friends more distant than usual? Cooler?
Had I upset Thame yesterday, so that he hadn’t sent me one of his usual messages today? Was the look Jun gave me in the car a look of annoyance? Had Pepper deliberately ignored me, and had Dylan only invited me out of a sense of duty?
Think of me for once! I do everything I can for our relationship, and you won’t even do me this one favor?
You know, you can be pretty selfish!
Do you think anyone else would accept you the way you are? You should be glad I haven’t left you yet!
Stop crying and do something about it! It’s always all about you, you, you!
The words my ex hurled at me back then hit me unexpectedly hard as my thoughts begin to drift back to that time. Maybe he was right after all, and I just put myself and my needs first? Did I do or say things that my friends couldn’t stand anymore?
And today was the final straw? I try to recall the last few days and weeks. But my thoughts keep coming back to one realization: You’re not good enough for them, no matter what happened.
I probably don’t even notice my own behavior anymore, and the others just don’t say anything to keep the peace… and maybe also because they feel they owe me something?
Because back then I somehow helped bring them back together, as friends and as a band?
I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and try to swallow the feeling. Crying won’t help me either; I have to change and not wallow in self-pity.
I manage to hold back the tears and then take a deep breath in and out to at least gather myself a little. Lost in my thoughts I don’t realize I’ve arrived home until I’m standing right in front of the front door.
Well, it probably won’t be my home much longer.
I quickly feel around in my pocket for the key and unlock the door. I’m going to crawl into my room and under the covers and hope I fall asleep as quickly as possible. Then tomorrow, I can somehow try to talk about what’s on my mind.
I’ll explain to them that they don’t need to feel any sense of obligation toward me, no guilt or anything like that. That everything is fine and they don’t have to take me in if they don’t want to. As a roommate and as a friend.
That’s the only right thing I can do.
My resolve calms me down a little. It’s a start, a way forward, something I can do. I take off my shoes and only notice just before I step into the house that there’s another pair of shoes.
I’m taken aback for a moment until I remember that Nano had another appointment today and apparently didn’t go to the bar with the rest. I swallow hard, because right now I can’t even imagine facing my roommate.
But I’ll just have to get through this. So, I straighten my shoulders and walk into the house until I reach the living room.
There sits Nano with a fleece blanket—which is probably supposed to be an otter—half-wrapped around his body, the hood pulled -shaped as an otter head- over his head, watching something on TV. When I walk in, he looks at me cheerfully.
“Hey, Po! You’re home pretty late too. I’ve only been here for about an hour myself, and I haven’t heard anything from the others yet, but they said at lunchtime that they wanted to go to the bar or something, so I didn’t really worry about it.
Did you leave earlier, or are the others coming back soon too? The shoot was so interesting today—I met some nice people, and maybe…”
I can’t really catch the rest of what Nano is saying. I stand there, frozen, and look at him. I thought my determination to do the right thing would be enough to get me through the evening and the night but now that I see Nano, so carefree and so… normal…How much am I going to miss that feeling, that safe and warm feeling? That feeling of coming home and knowing that everything is okay?
I must have stood there for a while, because the next thing I notice is Nano’s voice, which suddenly doesn’t sound so distant anymore.
“Po? Is everything okay? ... You’re standing there like you’re rooted to the spot.”
He’s standing in front of me now, the otter blanket still on his head, looking at me with concern. I blink briefly, confused, and then look at him.
“I…” I start, then stop myself.
“Can I hug you?”, is the first thing that comes to my mind.I’m not quick enough to talk myself out of the thought. I’m craving that feeling of security so much right now that my selfishness has won out once again.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” Nano replies, a bit confused and then hugs me.
I return the hug immediately and then just hold on to him. In that moment I feel only peace and security, the very things I seem to have been longing for all day. For a brief moment no thoughts swirl in my head; it’s simply quiet.
Only when Nano quietly says, “You’re shivering, what’s wrong? Are you cold?” I come back to myself a little and shake my head slightly.
“No, I’m actually really warm right now,” is the first thing that slips out, though I don’t mean my actual body temperature.
“Po, would you please tell me what’s going on?” Nano asks me gently, and I furrow my brow.
Did I say something wrong? It’s only when Nano breaks away from our embrace and strokes the tears under my eyes away that I realize I must have been crying after all.
“I…,” I start again, but don’t know how to continue.
I’d actually planned to talk about everything tomorrow and I’d also resolved not to be a burden to them anymore. And here I was, crying.
“Uh, sorry, it’s just… I’m fine it was just a long day…” I try to pull myself together, but Nano won’t let me brush it off.
“I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen you cry; things are definitely not okay. Let’s snuggle up on the couch, and maybe you’ll want to tell me about it then… or whenever you’re ready.”
He says this firmly and pulls me toward the couch. Once we’re there, he drapes his blanket over me and places a pillow in my hands before dashing off towards the kitchen.
“Give me five minutes, I’ll be right back!”
Perplexed, I sit there staring at the pillow. It’s our utterly hideous “roommate pillow” covered in the silliest pictures of us. Someone, probably Jun, had the idea of using the worst cell phone pictures as a template for a pillowcase.
Since then, the pillow has been the ugliest thing in our house… but at the same time the best. Once again, tears are streaming down my face and wet the pillow.
I barely have time to worry again before Nano is back already. With two cups of hot cocoa, a bowl of popcorn, and some roughly chopped veggies with hummus. Now I can’t help but smile.
Nano snuggles up next to me and quickly grabs another otter blanket (yes, there’s one for each of us…).
“Do you need anything else? … Just let me know!”
With that, he presses a button on the remote and quietly starts a movie. One of my favorite movies… We let the movie wash over us for a good half hour.
I can tell Nano wants to know what’s going on; he keeps glancing in my direction as discreetly as possible, but he gives me time and doesn’t pressure me. I still don’t know exactly how to start, but I know I have to tell him somehow.
The warmth Nano has given me seems to sweep away my negative thoughts like a storm. It’s as if they’re becoming clearer again and, while my worries and doubts haven’t been swept away, they do feel a little less present.
I close my eyes for a moment and then turn to Nano.
“I don’t really know how to start but I’ll give it a try… My day just wasn’t that great and somehow, I fell into a downward spiral. I’ve been questioning myself and my place in our group of friends and well…” I begin to explain.
Once I start, I can’t seem to stop, and I describe my day to Nano. How the morning had started with an uneasy feeling, how our other friends had seemed distant, the work, the headache, the memory of Earn’s words and what they’d triggered in me.
When I’m done, I feel completely drained but also very relieved. Nano listens attentively the whole time, without interrupting me. Then he pulls me into another hug.
“Po, I’m so sorry you had to go through that all by yourself! We love you for who and what you are! It has nothing to do with external circumstances, and it’s not tied to any obligations or rules,” he says emphatically, then smiles at me.
I nod. “Actually, I know that too… I feel exactly the same way.”Still, it helped hearing it.
“Thanks, Nano, you really helped me”, I say, then rub my eyes.
This day really wore me out but I’m glad I shared my worries. Nano snatches the pillow from me and places it on his lap. He points at it with his finger and then grins a little cheekily.
I look at him a bit puzzled at first but then willingly lie down with my head on the pillow. I feel my body truly relax for the first time today. For a moment I still hear the soft voices on the TV, but the next moment I’ve already fallen asleep.
I’m woken by the jingle of keys and voices echoing into our living room. A short while later, the voices grow louder and clearer. Seems like the others have come back. I’m still lying on the pillow and thus on Nano’s lap.
As the others come in, I notice Nano tense up and then snap at our friends.
“Shh, don’t be so loud—Po just fell asleep.”
I have to force myself not to open my eyes, but I don’t want to be confronted with everything that’s been going through my head today and my friends’ possible expectations.
Nano must have sounded disproportionately serious, because almost instantly it’s quiet. I can literally feel my friends’ presence growing stronger as they presumably move closer.
“Is everything okay? Did something happen?” I hear Thame say quietly, and I think I can hear the concern in his voice.
When I think about it, the sight my friends are probably seeing right now must be very unusual.
I always try not to be a “burden” to them as much as possible—I automatically remind myself that I shouldn’t think that way, but the insecurity remains—and while I usually talk openly about what’s weighing on me, I still tend to present myself as “strong” and independent. I’m happy to give others a hug or listen to them when they need someone to talk to, but I probably don’t come across as someone who wants or needs that for myself.
I can only imagine how the image of me must be coming across to the others right now. For a moment the house is just quiet, until Jun seems unable to stand the silence any longer and asks, a little louder than Thame had just been.
“Nano, what’s going on? Did something happen to Po?... Do we know who did it?"
His last question comes a moment later and makes my heart ache a little. Without hesitation, he assumed that someone must be responsible for the fact that I now look so… vulnerable. But in reality, they were just my own silly thoughts.
“Shh,” Nano hisses again, as quietly as possible, and then a wordless discussion seems to take place because a little later I hear two doors opening and closing quietly in quick succession.
Shortly after, I hear footsteps and feel someone sit down next to us on the couch.
After a few seconds, Nano lets out a quiet sigh and then whispers, “Po wasn’t doing so well today and… we weren’t there for him. When he came home earlier, he was a complete mess… I’ve never seen him like that before… I think he’s carrying even more on his shoulders than we thought… but he should tell us himself what’s going on.”
Once again, a brief silence settles over the living room. When I concentrate, I can faintly hear the voices of the others in the neighboring rooms.
I suddenly feel a hand on my forehead. It feels as if someone is trying to find out if I have a fever. Then the hand moves into my hair and shortly after I can feel it running through my hair in an almost rhythmic motion.
“Okay, let’s talk about it tomorrow. Tonight, we’ll just show him that he’s not alone,” Thame replies.
He doesn’t stop running his fingers through my hair and I feel the day’s fatigue catching up with me again, trying to pull me into sleep.
This time, with a very warm feeling.
When I wake up next, the room is dark. At first, the only thing I can make out is the red glow of our TV’s standby mode. It seems I’m still on the couch, but my position has changed.
I feel warmth on almost every side of my body and through the dim moonlight streaming into the room I can make out the silhouettes of my friends, who have gathered around and on top of me so we can all fit on the couch.
Only one silhouette appears to be sitting on the floor, with their head resting next to me on the couch.
I have to smile in disbelief for a moment because it feels and looks as though they’ve collectively decided to build a kind of physical wall to the outside world, behind which I’m safe and sound.
The way we’re lying here, we’ll all be complaining of neck pain tomorrow morning and I’m already incredibly hot, but I wouldn’t trade the warm, cozy feeling I’m experiencing right now for any discomfort.
Since everyone else seems to be fast asleep I rest my head on a shoulder again and let sleep overtake me once more.
Tomorrow I’ll have to deal with the ghosts of my past and the demons in my head but for the rest of this night I feel the comfort the others give me and the certainty that I’ve earned my place among them.