Work Text:
The Secrets that Keep Us
Shane felt so full. And so good. Shane was on his hands and knees on the bed with Ilya fucking into him from behind.
“Fuck Shane. Ty menya prosto svodish' s uma. Ty, blyat', sozdan dlya menya.” (You undo me. You were fucking made for me.)
Shane threw his head back letting out a loud moan.
“Harder. Fuck. Ilya. Yes. Made for you!”
Ilya’s arm wrapped around Shane’s chest bringing him up so he was standing on his knees with his back against Ilya’s chest. Shane loved this position and Ilya knew it.
“I love playing with you, but sharing a locker room and not being able to touch you how I want is torture.” Ilya said against his ear, biting Shane's earlobe after. All Shane managed to respond with was another loud moan as Ilya was pressing so deep into him. He was getting lost in the pleasure and the feel of Ilya all over him. Ilya continued talking right into Shane’s ear.
“Watching you in there is like you’re my own personal cock tease.”
No. No. Not this. Not now. Cock tease. Shane froze. He tried to fight the memory. The voice in his head he had managed to bury so deep he had hoped it would never come out.
“Are you just a cock tease? Is that it? Maybe everyone should know the great Shane Hollander is nothing more than a little cock teasing faggot? Is that what you’d want?”
“No. Stop. Krasnyy.” (Red)
Ilya immediately stopped his movements and tightened his grip he had around Shane’s chest, keeping Shane still as well. As carefully as he could Ilya pulled out of Shane’s ass. As soon as he was out Ilya released his hold on Shane and took a step back. His sweatpants he had taken off were on the floor nearby and Ilya grabbed them and quickly put them on.
“Okay. Okay. Everything is good moya lyubov'.”
Ilya was trying his hardest to speak in a calm voice, but he was worried about Shane. He didn’t know why his husband had just used his safe word. Ilya didn’t know what he did wrong. But his priority right now was Shane. Shane who at the moment still hadn’t moved but was struggling to take a breath and was shaking his head side to side without stopping. Had he hurt him? Ilya would never forgive himself. Ilya reached out a hand to softly touch Shane’s shoulder. To try to break this trance Shane seemed to be locked in. Ilya was going to be sick, because Shane, his Shane, violently flinched away from the touch. Almost fully throwing himself off the bed to get away from the gentle touch Ilya tried to initiate.
“No. I said no. Fuck. Fuck.”
Shane was rambling and still shaking his head as he tumbled off the bed and quickly made his way into their en-suite bathroom. The door slammed behind him, cutting Ilya off from him. Ilya quickly walked up to the door.
“Shane? Shane, are you okay? Please. Talk to me.”
That’s when Ilya heard the most heartbreaking sob come from the other side of the door. It was clear Shane was not okay. Ilya tried the door, but Shane had locked it. Ilya had never heard Shane sound like this. Completely broken. And it broke Ilya too. And Ilya didn’t even know what had happened to cause this. It was obviously something he had done. All Ilya could do was stand there with his body against the door.
“I am so sorry Shane. Please. I am sorry. I love you. Please Shane, open the door. I won’t touch you. I just need to see you are okay. Please.”
Ilya could still hear Shane crying on the other side and he knew Shane could hear that he was also crying now too.
“It’s okay Shane. If you need space, is okay. I am staying here though. I am right here. You are not alone. Whatever is happening inside your brain right now, you are not facing it alone.”
More sobs sounded from inside the bathroom. Ilya didn’t move. He was going to be here whenever Shane decided it was safe for him to come out. Ilya could wait if that’s what Shane needed. Ilya would wait forever for Shane. If Shane came out and said the problem was they were on the same team and it was too much Ilya would call and quit today. Retire early. He would never put on skates again if it’s what Shane needed. Shane needed hockey. All Ilya needed was Shane. Dr. Galina had mentioned once that Ilya and Shane might be too co dependent on each other. Ilya didn’t care. That was not an issue he was talking with her to try to fix. Because he did not see it as an issue. And if it was, it is not something he wanted fixed.
***
Ilya wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he had stopped crying a while ago and thankfully he had also stopped hearing the heartbreaking sobs from Shane too. Every now and then he’d talk through the door reminding Shane he wasn’t alone. Shane had yet to answer him. Ilya heard the click of the door being unlocked and immediately backed away from the door not wanting to crowd Shane when he walked out. The door opened and Shane took a tentative step out. Fuck. He looked completely wrecked. If it was possible for Ilya’s heart to break any further then it did seeing Shane like this.
“Ilya.” Shane’s voice sounded so small. So hurt.
“Shane.”
Shane quickly took the few steps towards Ilya and without hesitation Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane as soon as Shane was close enough. Shane buried his head into Ilya’s chest and the tears started again, but not as violently as before.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Shane mumbled into Ilya’s chest.
“Shh. No. No sorries. You did not do anything wrong baby. It’s okay. I have you.”
“No, I’m sorry. I lied to you. I’m so sorry.”
“What? No. I don’t care. It’s okay.”
“You don’t… don’t even know what I lied about.”
“Did you lie about loving me? Wanting to be with me forever?”
“What? Of course not. I love you. I love you so much Ilya!”
“Okay, then does not matter. I don’t care. You are forgiven. Just please stop crying moyo solnyshko”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I will always love you more than I could be mad at you for anything.”
“Fuck. I love you. I don’t deserve you.”
“No. Is no deserve or not. You are mine. You will always have me Shane. Ya tebya lyublyu”
They stand there with Shane silently crying into Ilya’s chest for a few more minutes until Shane starts to pull away. Shane looks down and Ilya can tell he’s realizing he’s still naked. Ilya walks over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of Shane’s athletic shorts and one of his own Centaur’s t-shirts with 81 and Rozanov on the back. He hands them to Shane who takes them and quickly dresses. Shane loves the smell of Ilya’s shirt on him and Ilya loves seeing Shane with his last name and number on his back. Ilya is still shirtless and doesn’t make a move to put one on. Shane takes slow steps back to Ilya needing to be back in his arms. Ilya’s lack of shirt is something Shane is grateful for because he loves the feeling his husband’s bare chest against his face.
Ilya guides them so they are sitting on the bed while still holding Shane. They settle with Ilya’s back against the head board and Shane seated between his legs and his back against Ilya’s chest.
“We should probably talk about what happened da? Is that something you could do? We can wait if not. I do not want to upset you anymore moyo solnyshko”
“No, I need to tell you. I don’t want to, but I need to. Will you just promise not to stop holding me?”
“I will never let go. I promise.”
***
“You know how when we’ve talked about how many other guys I’ve been with?”
“Da. Top in Mexico and blowjob in L.A. club.”
“There was another. It wasn’t…. It wasn’t good.”
“You were hurt?”
“Yeah.”
Ilya heard the catch in Shane’s voice. Ilya was breaking again. All he could do was hold Shane tighter and hope Shane felt the safety he was trying to give him.
“It started out fine. It was the one time I decided to try a gay club in Montreal. I started talking to this guy. We ended up making out. And somehow found ourselves in the bathroom. And he, he called me Hollander. I was trying to forget about you. And the second he called me that all I wanted was you. I didn’t want him anymore. Didn’t want him touching me. It felt terrible, his hands, his mouth, all of it. I told him to stop. Pushed him off. He didn’t even have my pants off yet. He grabbed me before I could unlock the bathroom door. Pushed himself against my back grinding into me. He called me a cock tease. Said he’d tell everyone Shane Hollander was a cock teasing faggot. I froze. I couldn’t have him telling people I was gay. I was still so terrified back then of anyone knowing. So I stopped fighting. I let him take me. I asked him to please not to. But I didn’t stop him. I didn’t stop him. I’m a professional athlete, I could have stopped him, but I didn’t. I was too scared of being outed to stop him.”
Shane turned in Ilya’s lap so that his head was in Ilya’s neck and let the tears that were falling soak into Ilya’s skin. Ilya held onto Shane like his life depended on it. Shane had been hurt. Raped. And Ilya never knew. Ilya had called Shane a cock tease during sex and brought Shane back to a bad memory. Ilya understood what he had done to cause Shane to panic. And Ilya hated it. Hated that Shane had been through this. Hated that Shane had held onto this hurt for so long. Hated that Shane felt like he couldn’t tell him before. Hated that he could not turn back time and protect Shane from this rapist asshole. He would give anything to take this experience away from Shane.
“Is not your fault moya lyubov'. You did nothing wrong. Of course you were scared. The only person at fault is him. He did wrong. He hurt you. You did not deserve his actions or his hate. He blackmailed you and raped you. You did not have sex with him. You did not tell me about this when talking about past partners because he does not count. He took from you. He does not get to be counted when asked about other men. You did not lie to me. Is no sorry for lie. No sorry for anything to do with him. You do not have anything to be sorry about because of him. I am sorry I called you that. I will never say again.”
“You didn’t know. You couldn’t have. You didn’t do anything wrong either. I’m sorry I ran from you like that. I just couldn’t stand being touched when I had his voice in my head like that. And then when I was in the bathroom it all just came crashing back to me and I couldn’t deal with it. But it was never your touch I was running from. Never you.”
“Must have been very hard secret to keep and deal with alone. I understand.”
“I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret. I was more trying to never think about it again and hoped I would never have to bring it up. Probably stupid to think it would never come up if I never dealt with it.”
“You are not stupid Shane. You were hurt and didn’t want to feel that again. It is not stupid.”
“Thank you for not hating me.”
“Were you worried about that Hollander? Me hating you? Impossible.”
“I don’t know. Maybe not hating me. But being mad I didn’t tell you. Worried you’d think of me differently.”
“You are still my Shane. No matter what has ever happened to you. You have been mine since you opened your hotel room door for me when we were 18. 1410 da? I knocked. You opened door. You stole my heart. You and your freckles. Nothing anyone has ever done to you can change that. And you will still be my Shane when we are too old to skate anymore. Always my Shane. No matter what.”
“Yours.”
“Mine. Always.”
At this point Shane was straddling Ilya’s lap and they were holding each other chest to chest. Shane leaned back so he could see Ilya. Shane saw so much love in Ilya’s face. And it was all for him. He is the luckiest man on earth to have this man as his husband. Shane leaned down and kissed him. The kiss was earnest. Full of passion. Full of healing. Ilya’s tongue quickly found its way into Shane’s mouth like always and Shane moaned. Despite all the emotional baggage he had just sorted through Shane was hard. How could he not be with his gorgeous husband in this position. He could feel Ilya’s cock under him hard as well.
“Will you fuck me?”
“Are you sure? We do not have to.”
“I need you. Take the memory away. Make me only remember you.”
“Of course baby. Anything you need. I love you.”
“I love you too.”