Chapter Text
Prologue
It was an early morning and there was slight dew glistening on the leaves of grass and trees. The branches of pines in the further corner of the park were bending under the weight of drops of water after the soft morning rain. Paths in the park were damp; puddles here and there mirrored the grey sky above. It was a cloudy morning and the sun didn’t shine through so there weren’t many people jogging in the park.
Castiel was sitting on one of the wooden benches in the park while thinking what to do with his very long life. Now, that he had gotten the angelic powers back, weakened, but they were there, his grace was mend together again, the angel could fly short distances and heal a bit and feel people’s prayers faintly, the same as before everything had gone to hell, literally.
What to do now? What should he do, where should he go? These questions had been occupying his mind for many Earth’s days. Castiel didn’t perceive the time in the same way as humans, but he had got so used to it that he actually didn’t know how else to count the time spent among earthlings. Castiel had been one of them for a while after all, and after the angel had got his powers back, it had been such a weird sensation that he almost didn’t know what to do with it. There was no clear purpose after everything what had happened that day. Castiel had abandoned the only person he should protect – Sam. The angel couldn’t stay with him in a place where he had finally realized what it was he felt. He had made a promise to the most precious person he had known, but just a second in the bunker and everything had gone to hell. What an angel he was, breaking promises just like that, without so much than remorse and shrug of his shoulders.
Castiel shivered, the feathers of his healed wings rustled as they were rubbing against each other, invisible for the human eye. He had missed them, their complete presence with their angelic glory. The angel shouldn’t feel it but it was cold in the park and his human body somehow couldn’t keep the warmth inside. His grace was colder than he remembered, as if he had lost something that had made it warmer and open to Heaven. The glow of it wasn’t as bright as before, and he knew that the reason for it wasn’t the fact that he had lost it once.
Once, to feel had been something very foreign for Castiel. So many strange feelings and reactions; thirst, hunger, sense of abandonment, anger and disappointment mixed with longing for home and family, then friends as well – Sam and Dean. It had been a hardship to start feeling such emotions as an angel, even more so as a human when Castiel hadn’t known how to function as one of them. The angel knew that it had been something like a punishment for his errors and misjudgement towards others around him. Trusting demons, trying to save the world without any help or advice, just by himself. Dean had been right so many times that he couldn’t even count how many instances he had failed him, or anyone who had relied on him to know what had been right. Castiel still couldn’t understand what had led his father to keep resurrecting him, returning him back into the world. So that he could make more misdoings than before? Dean had tried to tell him that it was normal, it was human, but at that time Castiel hadn’t even known what being human had meant.
It wasn’t easy. Human lives were so fragile and short, and still, they knew how to live to the fullest. When Castiel had realized what it had been to possess free will, to decide for himself what to do with his life, how to live it, to be wrong once in a while – or in his case, many times – it had been a shock. At first, it had been infuriating and frightening at the same time. The angel had fulfilled the orders from the archangels for ages and he had never thought about the consequences or that they hadn’t been always right. As the majority of angels, Castiel had been brought up to do what his Father or archangels had commanded and that had been it. But after realizing that not all orders had been good, his life had changed so much that now he wouldn’t recognize himself. And all of that had been the result of saving one human soul from perdition. One very special soul, the brightest Castiel had ever seen in his millennia-long life.
Dean... What to say about Dean and his actions, his warm heart and brave and righteous character so he could express even the smallest part of his beautiful personality. Castiel knew almost everything about Dean. Before the angel lost his powers, he could feel Dean’s soul and see its warmth, bright light anytime they had been in close proximity to each other. Oh, he hadn’t known what it had been back then. What it had meant to see, and especially feel, it. Castiel had just thought that it had been caused by his rebuilding Dean’s body after saving him from hell. Little by little, the angel had realized that there had been a profound bond between them, something he would have never expected as an angel. But then it had happened without warning. Every time Castiel had lied to Dean, or Sam for that matter, he had felt this strange, anxious pulse within his vessel’s body, his palms had got clammy and he hadn’t been able to look the older hunter in the eyes. It had been betrayal towards Dean and Sam, something you wouldn’t do to good friends, to someone whom Castiel had considered his family. Why had he done it? And so many times? These questions had been eating on him for years and Castiel had still lied to Dean afterwards. Of course, the last one had been a way how to save Dean from himself, but it was a betrayal nevertheless, hurting one person he could never imagine to lose, ever.
That had been it, he had worried that he would lose Dean’s friendship. And oh, how hurt Castiel had felt when Dean had kicked him out of the bunker after Sam’s trials. And even though the angel now knew that he had got a very good reason for doing so – Sam, Dean’s brother, had been in danger – Castiel’s heart had still ached after leaving them without anything, without any knowledge how to live as a human, to go through every human sensation and need possible without help, without guidance or safe place to live through all the difficulties he was going to experience.
Being human wasn’t easy. Being an angel, having this long life ahead of himself and feeling this pain within himself, this ache burying deep inside of him, sinking into his grace and encircling every inch of it like a thorny rope, squeezing it firmly into a small ball of sadness and regret, that was excruciating. How was he going to survive, Castiel had no idea.