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“I have something for you.”
Aldaan had just been let into Calar’s rooms in House Brescia’s Highmark mansion, and had barely even said hello. Of course, Calar would have known he was coming – probably some servant had let him know the moment Aldaan had shown up at the door. Still, it felt a bit like being ambushed.
“’Oh hello, Aldaan, I’m always so pleased to see you, thank you for answering my summons, I know how busy you are!’” He didn’t try to mimic Calar’s voice, or the Aethrenari lilt of his accent, but he could tell he’d gotten his point across by how Calar rolled his eyes as he flounced over. He was wearing a loose robe of a greenish gold that slipped sensuously off his shoulders, and his long legs flashed out as he strode over to drape his arms around Aldaan.
“Obviously,” Calar said dismissively, though there was nothing obvious about the sentiment at all. “Servants out. Now.” Calar waited until they filed out, then leaned forward to kiss Aldaan.
“If I wasn’t pleased to see you, melda, I wouldn’t be giving you a gift. And I know you’re very busy, so I didn’t want to waste your time repeating things you surely should know, hmm?”
“Okay,” he conceded. It was difficult to stay annoyed at Calar…or no, it wasn’t, it was very easy to be annoyed with him. It was just easy to let go of the feeling when it was over something relatively unserious. “I just wasn’t expecting to hear from you, let alone whatever you seem to have planned….” It had been a long, weird week, full of things he was still processing. No wonder he was nervy. Aldaan hadn’t expected to hear from Calar. He might not have been reachable, let alone available, for anyone else.
“I know you don’t love surprises, melda, but I didn’t want to wait. I think you’ll like this.”
He didn’t like surprises, and Calar’s gifts were often overwhelming. He thought he’d managed to explain this all – he’d thought Calar had understood, after he’d turned down the magic sword, the armor, the enchanted prosthesis, and everything else. Calar was a prince, and that’s what was expected of princes: that they would shower their lovers with gifts and treasures. But Aldaan was only barely noble, and it felt wrong: like he was being smothered rather than cherished. He didn’t want Calar’s wealth; he wanted his time, his attention, his truths. “I thought you were upset,” he said, “not that you just wanted to give me a present.”
That was why he’d come. He didn’t think he was wrong, not with how clingy Calar was being. Not with the note he’d sent.
“Just.” Calar huffed. “Now who’s being dismissive? You think I don’t listen at all, do you.”
Calar’s golden eyes were hard to read, but fortunately the rest of his face was an open book when he wanted it to be. He pouted down at Aldaan now, and Aldaan sighed.
“Sorry.” He leaned against Calar, pressing his face into his shoulder, and held him close. “I’m just… testy. “ Nerves. Calar smelled good, woody and spicy and heady. Grounding. After a moment, Aldaan looked back up. “You have something for me?”
Calar’s arms were around his waist, and he seemed reluctant to break the embrace for a moment – as content to have Aldaan in his arms again as he was to be there. “Yes,” he said eventually, voice soft. It still took another moment for him to break away.
Calar retrieved a velvet box from a nearby table, and Aldaan could feel himself tensing up again. It was clearly jewelry, though he didn’t know the designer. It was fairly large as well. He took it with trepidation. “Calar…”
“Please, just open it.”
Aldaan opened it, then looked back up at Calar. He seemed calm enough, except for the way he held his hands, and the slight lift of his eyebrows that didn’t speak only to expectation.
In the box was a collar. It was a golden band set with diamonds, rubies, and other precious gems. Aldaan was also pretty sure it was enchanted – just like the one that Calar had been forced to wear when he’d been abducted, months ago now. He didn’t know what to say.
Calar smiled. “The collar is not for you, of course. I’m the gift.”
It was exactly to Calar’s tastes: he would look stunning in gold and jewels and nothing else. Calar liked it when Aldan took charge of him, bossed him around and treated him like nothing more than a plaything. Aldaan liked it too – but there was more to this. He closed the box, and took a breath.
“What’s this about?”
Calar huffed and pouted, turning around. “Can’t you just play along?” His long hair cascaded down his back – it was loose today, with just a few fine braids bound with golden thread to keep it back from his face, glittering in the light.
“I don’t think I should.” Aldaan set the box down, and came over to wrap his arms around Calar’s waist, leaning his face into that sunset hair. “This, and the note you sent… you’re worrying me.”
Calar’s hands covered his almost immediately, but it took him a while to show any other reaction. “Do you remember, when we were at Tasarinan, and I asked you what you would do, if it was your collar I was wearing?”
“I remember.” The scene had been intoxicatingly hot, Calar letting him vent his anger by using him however Aldaan had pleased. No matter their later games, it wasn’t something Aldaan was likely to forget.
“I try to think of that, when …other memories intrude. I want more of that.” He turned, breaking out of Aldaan’s hold, but reached for his hands again once they were facing. “It’s not complicated. And I don’t want to talk about it, not right now. I want to fuck about it.” His robe was threatening to slip further off his shoulder. He bit his lip, walking his fingers up Aldaan’s chest. “Just let me be yours.”
“Mine.” It was an heady feeling, and Calar knew it. Calar certainly knew what he wanted – had put thought and planning into it, even. Aldaan could feel his pulse racing just looking at him. Maybe it wouldn’t fix anything to give in, but would it hurt? “Mine to do whatever I want with?”
“As long as it involves sex. And, the usual sensible stipulations, I suppose.”
Adaan could work with this. He took a deep breath. “Then, bring me the box, and take off your clothes.”
Calar smiled widely, pulling off the belt of his robe as he stepped over to the table, and then shrugging out of it completely. He let it fall to the floor before turning to present Aldaan with the gift. He hadn’t been wearing anything underneath, and his cock was already starting to betray his interest in the scene. Aldaan’s rose to match.
“Tell me how it works.” It had no clasp, but Aldaan wasn’t sure if it had other enchantments beyond how it must be put on.
“The command phrase for its release is ‘the knight holds his prince’s heart’” The metal sprung open when he said it. “It will reseal once the edges are aligned. It has two other enchantments – one for pleasure, ‘you please me’, and one for pain, ‘you displease me’.”
The collar was heavy, solid for all its delicate beauty. Aldaan wondered briefly what Calar would do if he fastened it around his own throat – maybe another time. He reached up, and Calar swept his hair out of the way as Aldaan settled the collar around his throat. As promised, the edges sealed together seamlessly, and it closed around him perfectly. Calar swallowed, holding still. It looked stunning, gold gleaming against his dark skin, the gems glittering in the light, but Calar was always stunning.
“You please me,” Aldaan said, walking around him, savouring Calar’s gasp and the way his cock stiffened as a shiver passed through him.
Calar’s eyes widened, watching after Aldaan in anticipation as he circled around. “Thank you, master,” he said after a moment, when he could speak again.
“Mmm.” Aldaan reached up to caress Calaar’s cheek, stepping close enough that he could feel his body heat, naked cock pressing against his clothed thigh. “Now, undress me.”
Aldaan didn’t favour the tight clothes that were the height of Highmarker fashion, which was probably for the best – Calar was an indifferent valet even when he was trying. He managed to get Aldaan’s coat off his shoulders without pulling him over, at least. The waistcoat was easier. Then Calar paused. Aldaan had brought his cane, but had let one of the servants take it from him when he’d entered Calar’s chambers – it was probably near the door. Probably.
“Will my master sit for me?” Calar asked after considering his options, lowering his head but offering his hands. Aldaan took them.
“To the bed,” he directed, letting Calar lead him there, and then perching on the edge.
Calar knelt, slipping the boot off of Aldaan’s leg, the easier option, before moving to his prosthesis. The ankle was the trickiest bit, and all Aldaan could do was hold steady. Calar was careful, the slightest frown marring his smooth forehead, and he didn’t look up at Aldaan until both boots were set aside.
“Clothes,” he repeated. He wasn’t sure yet whether he wanted to leave the wicker leg on, for balance, or remove it, for comfort. He wasn’t sure yet exactly what he wanted from Calar, for that matter. There was still something that felt…off, somehow, about the scenario.
It should have been simple. Calar liked to play all kinds of pretend games in the bedroom. Aldaan didn’t have his creativity, or maybe it was that he didn’t have the time to sit around all day dreaming up elaborate sex scenarios, or the resources to see them enacted. He was good at improvising though, at playing along. They’d done ‘pretend you own me’ or won, bought, captured, and a dozen other variations, each paying the part of the one with or without power, sometimes turning things around, sometimes playing the submission and domination straight. This was different.
“Oh,” he breathed, looking down at Calar kneeling before him. It wasn’t pretend. Not the same way. Well. “Help me stand.”
Aldaan held his hands out, letting Calar draw him up again, then waited while he unbuttoned the falls of his trousers. When Calar knelt again to tug down the waist band, Aldaan threaded a hand through his hair and pulled him close, pressing Calar’s face against his crotch, and groaned when Calar mouthed at him through his shirt. “You are a treasure – precious, rare, beautiful. Mine.” He pulled Calar’s head back. “You could never displease me. If you want me to hurt you, you’re going to have to get that command phrase changed.” He tightened his grip, pulling until Calar whined. “I’ll make do for now.”
“Master…” Calar gripped him, hard enough to bruise.
“Is that what you want from me? You want me to hurt you, put you out of your head?” Aldaan flexed his fist again, his eyes fixed on Calar’s. “I can do that, but you need to tell me.”
Calar couldn’t turn away – he tried closing his eyes instead, hissing when Aldaan tugged on his hair, but he didn’t answer until Aldaan let go. “I want you to punish me.”
That’s what he’d thought, but Aldaan’s heart hurt to hear him Calar say it. “No.”
“No?” Calar looked up, brows furrowed, golden eyes wide. He rested one hand against the jewelled collar.
“I, Aldaan, don’t want to punish you, Calar. It’s not what you deserve from me – and if you’re mine, then I decide that, don’t I?” He ran his knuckles along the outer edge of his ear, watching him shiver. “I’m not undressed yet.”
“Yes, master.” Calar rose, making short work of Aldaan’s simple cravat, and pulling his shirt off over his head. His brow was still furrowed – uncertain, maybe, what to expect, or disappointed.
“Good.” Aldaan smiled. “Now kiss me.” He tapped his lips, tilting his face as Calar leaned in. He’d commanded it, and the kiss was his. Aldaan sucked Calar’s lip, licking into his mouth for just a moment before pulling away. “You please me,” he whispered again, leaning back into the kiss before Calar had recovered from the sensation inflicted by the collar, grabbing his ass and pulling their bodies tight together. They fell back onto the bed together, kissing until Aldaan needed to breathe, and Calar slid back down to his knees before him, breathing hard.
“My master is generous,” he managed after a moment, as Aldaan pushed himself to sitting again. “Is there some other use he might have for these lips?”
“Mmm.” Aldaan cupped Calar’s chin, then pushed his thumb into his mouth, letting Calar tease him back, to visible effect. “You can suck my cock a little, but that’s not how you’re gonna make me come. First though – take off my leg.”
Calar didn’t quite freeze. He pulled slowly off of Aldaan’s thumb with only the barest of pauses, but his uncertainty was clear. Aldaan hadn’t asked this of him before – he’d always done it himself. But if Calar wanted to be pushed, wanted to lean into whatever guilty feelings he had, then they were going to do this. “Master...”
“It’s just buckles.” It wasn’t that complicated, but Aldaan knew it wasn’t the mechanics making Calar hesitate – at least his erection hadn’t flagged at all, the apprehension couldn’t be too strong. Aldaan’s own nerves were dancing. “You can do it.”
Calar bent his head. “Yes, master.” He ran his fingers along the straps, familiarizing himself before he started. They were quite tight – they had to be – but Calar managed to release them without much trouble, and ease the leather socket off the end of Aldaan’s leg. Underneath was a protective sleeve that covered the end of his stump, and Calar rolled this carefully off as well, setting it and the prosthesis aside.
Aldaan breathed out slowly, then took one of Calar’s hands and pressed it around the end of his limb. There wasn’t much below his knee, but the healers as Tasarinan had tried to save as much as they could. The socket chaffed some no matter what he did, and the tight straps meant a rush of blood whenever it was removed, and rubbing it helped. This, too, he usually took care of himself, but now he showed Calar what to do – how to touch him, where, how firmly. It felt strange. Not the sensation so much, though it was different to have someone else do any of this for him, and especially anyone who wasn’t a healer. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to do this, when they were both naked and turned on, but maybe it was the only time.
“Good,” he breathed, then guided Calar’s hand higher, past the red mark left by the strap on his thigh, up toward his hip. “Now you can put that mouth to use.”
“Yes, master.” Calar looked up at him as he bent his head. He kissed Aldaan’s knee, then the marks the straps had left, mouthing his way up along Aldaaan’s inner thigh. When he finally took Aldaan’s cock in his mouth, Aldaan had to hold him there for a moment, petting his hair gently, before he could let him get on with it.
Calar’s mouth was glorious, and he was well familiar with what Aldaan liked – how much suction was just right, versus too much, or not enough, where to press and slide his tongue to best effect, where and when the slightest graze of teeth would be a tease rather than a terror. It was hard to stick to his own resolve, and stop him before it was too much. Aldaan pulled him off, tugging at his hair again.
Calar’s wet, reddened lips were irresistible. Aldaan leaned forward to kiss him, bracing a hand on Calar’s shoulder. Calar’s hands came to his hips to steady him, but he didn’t want to have to think about his balance.
“On the bed, on your back,” he ordered. “Hands above your head.”
“Yes, master.”
“No.” Aldaan held on to his shoulder, keeping him kneeling. There was one more thing he needed.
“No?”
“I want you to use my name. I want us…to be us.” That felt right. “If you want to be mine…. Then be mine.”
“Aldaan.” Calar’s eyes shimmered, and he rose slowly to reposition himself on the bed.
It was a good break for both of them – Aldaan didn’t want to rush this. He wanted to savour it, to make it special, if he could. He also really wanted to have Calar inside him, wanted to ride him, like he had back in Tasarinan, before he’d lost his leg. He hadn’t tried it since, and as much as he wanted to spoil Calar, he didn’t want to lose his nerve, either.
Once Calar had settled, Aldaan twisted around to look at him. He lay exactly as he’d been directed, his arms stretched languidly above his head. His long hair was swept to one side, hanging over the bed. The jewelled collar glittered around his throat, and the tip of his cock glistened with precome, not quite dripping onto his smooth stomach. He was a beautiful sight; it made Aldaan’s heart ache as much as his dick just to look at him. He had to get this right.
It was only a little awkward to swing his leg damaged leg over Calar’s hips and straddle him. It wasn’t as bad as he’d feared, but Aldaan did feel a little unsteady, so he wrapped his hands around Calar’s waist, arching forward to bump their cocks together. Calar’s was as beautiful as the rest of him, straight and thick. His own was pretty average in his view, with a slight curve, but Calar was usually quite willing to effuse about its qualities. They certainly looked good together, though the not-quite friction of flesh sliding against flesh was too teasing. Calar twitched and whined, but stayed where he’d been told.
“Look at you, desperate for me to touch you, aren’t you?” Aldaan leaned back, listing a bit towards his whole leg. “Tell me.”
Calar stretched wantonly, flexing his shoulders, grabbing one wrist. It made the gems of his collar dance. “Please Aldaan. I need your hands… your mouth on me.”
“Since you asked so nicely…” He trailed a finger up Calar’s body, from his stomach up towards his neck, to straighten out the collar. Calar pouted at this further teasing, until Aldaan traced across his chest to brush one perfect little bud of a nipple. He whined at first, and gasped as Aldaan escalated to a long, hard, pinch.
“You please me,” he murmured before letting go, and Calar writhed beneath him, cock twitching and leaking in earnest now. Aldaan had to catch himself so as not to slide off completely, and spread his hand across Calar’s stomach to still him.
“Please,” Calar panted, once he had his breath back, “Aldaan. Let me help you.” He still didn’t move, but both his hands were clenched into fists now.
“Help?” Aldaan felt that tightening in his spine that happened any time Calar, his prince, offered his help, like the war between pride and principle were being fought inside his body. If this was really just sex, it shouldn’t be so hard to accept. He had to, he knew, he just needed it to be on his own terms; his own judgement. “You’re mine, Calar. I’ll tell you what I need. I promise.” He stroked Calar’s stomach again, trailing his fingers through the fluid that dripped from his cock.
What he needed, wanted, right now, was not to draw this out past his own endurance. He leaned forward, reaching for the slippery gel that Calar kept close at hand on the bed. It was thicker than oil, and lasted better, and Aldaan was a little afraid to ask exactly what was in it, or how much it cost. Once he had the pot in hand, he paused to place a kiss on Calar’s throat, just below the collar.
One kiss turned into several, and Aldaan stayed there, savouring Calar’s moans as he scooped the gel into his hand and rubbed it into his cock. He thumbed the slit, and Calar’s breath caught in his throat until Aldaan moved back to stroking his shaft, sucking along his collarbone. Still, Calar stayed where he’d been told, tried to stay still, not to buck and send Aldaan sliding off him completely.
“You’re being so good for me, Calar. I want to fuck you now.” He sat up, continuing to stroke Calar’s slick cock as he settled back onto his hips. “Hands out towards me, now.”
“Yes, Aldaan.” Calar did as he was told, rolling his shoulders before extending his arms out in front of him. Aldaan caught his hands, drawing one down to the base of his cock, wrapping his fingers around it.
“Hold,” he instructed, “and help me.” He took firm hold of the other hand as he raised up on his knees, leaning on Calar for balance as he shuffled carefully forward and lowered himself.
He was tight – he hadn’t seen Calar recently, or expected to tonight – but this was what he wanted. His weight helped, and Calar holding his cock in place as Aldaan took him in, slow at first, then quicker once the head was in. The stretch burned at first, then felt good as he was filled. Calar moved his hand aside, and Aldaan grabbed it. He felt anchored, once Calar was all the way inside and they rested skin to skin. He sat there for a moment, joined, holding hands, eyes locked.
Part of Aldaan thought that this was enough – he could stay here, like this, have Calar jerk him off. They could both come from that, he was sure. It wasn’t what he wanted. He’d always liked being on top like this, for the control, so he could watch his lover’s face and feel them writhe underneath him. He liked how deep he could take a cock this way, how it made his thighs burn, to see his lover’s chest covered in his come. It wasn’t fair that he’d only had it once with Calar. He wanted more. Maybe when he got the new prosthesis it would be easier, but even with as much articulation and control as he’d been promised, he knew he wasn’t going to want to wear it all the time for sex. No. And anyway, he wanted this now.
“Here.” Aldaan moved Calar’s hands to his waist. “Here’s how you can help me.”
Calar smiled, hooking his thumbs into the hollows of his hips, long fingers splayed around for more support. “I’ve got you, melda. Aldaan. Beloved.”
Aldaan nodded, feeling overcome with more than just the sensation of being filled, of having Calar’s hands on him. He raised up carefully on his thighs, and began to ride.
Before his injury, Aldaan had been in good shape – afterwards, it had been even more important. He’d been focusing on exercises that helped his balance, and that strengthened the little-used muscles that he relied on now to compensate for the leg that was missing below his right knee. If it were purely a matter of strength, there would be no problem – he could ride dick all day. But having learned how much he’d relied on that symmetry of form, it was something he was still highly conscious of. It had taken some experimenting for them to find positions to fuck in where he didn’t have to think, and could just get lost in the sensation. That was what had been keeping him back from trying this. But the truth was – he just had to let himself go anyway, and trust Calar to steady him. It was what they both needed.
He leaned forward, spreading his hips a little wider, to get the angle where Calar’s cock was hitting him just where he wanted, every time he came down on it, splaying his hands on Calar’s chest. It felt so good, taking him deep, sliding almost completely off before slamming back down, just as hard as he wanted, the wet sound of flesh on flesh, his own breath coming hard, eyes locked with his lover’s. Calar’s grip was so tight that Aldaan was sure he’d leave bruises, but he wasn’t going to slide, or fall, or even need to think. All he felt was good. Calar was giving him everything he needed, arching his hips to meet him, lips parted in ecstasy, but never letting his grip slack or losing his focus.
Aldaan had thought he might use the collar’s power to make Calar come, might jerk himself off to spill over the edge of his climax, but he didn’t need to do either. He leaned back just a little, breathing ragged, moaning with every stroke as Calar tried to cling to coherence, gasping out words of encouragement until Aldaan shuddered hard, come spraying across Calar’s stomach, a white streak against his dark skin that splashed nearly up to Aldaan’s hands. When Calar came, his nails dug painfully into Aldaan’s hips, but he still held him tight, and didn’t let go until Aldaan pulled off him and slid down next to him on the bed, still breathing hard.
Calar shook his hands, flexing his fingers, catching his own breath. “Melda,” he gasped, once he could.
Aldaan turned towards him. “The knight,” he said, trying to keep his voice even, “holds his prince’s heart.” He pulled the collar off, dropping the gold and jewels off the side of the bed, and kissed Calar until his breath failed him again. “Was that…” Not was it what Calar had wanted. He didn’t think it was quite what he’d had in mind. “Was it alright?” Aldaan lay his head on Calar’s shoulder. “Was it what you needed?”
“Hmmm.” Calar ran his fingers through the puddle Alddan had made on his stomach. Aldaan caught it and sucked his fingers clean, waiting for an answer. Calar scooped up the rest of the come and offered it to him, watching intently. “I thought… you might be cruel to me.”
Aldaan drew his lips off Calar’s finger, taking his hand again and clasping it in his own. “Did you?”
“I-“ Calar cut off whatever he’d been going to say, and the brow furrow returned. “I don’t know. I should know you better. But I…” he paused again, struggling to say whatever was on his mind. When he did, his voice nearly broke. “Do I not deserve it?”
Aldaan’s first instinct was just to deny it, but he didn’t want to shut this down. The worry he’d felt at the start of the evening was still there, despite the afterglow of sex. He wanted Calar to talk to him, no matter how difficult it was. “Why?”
Calar smiled, the corner of his lip pulling up just slightly. It wasn’t a real smile, and so Aldaan didn’t expect a real answer. “For being who I am?”
“I think I have better ways to deal with that.” He knew how to push Calar to be his best self, and it wasn’t through punishment. Aldaan waited. Calar flexed his fingers where their hands joined, squeezing him tightly.
“For everything I’ve cost you?” Calar looked down, eyes passing along Aldaan’s body. “I don’t mean… well. No, I do. But not only your leg. Everything else. Privacy. Freedom. Friends. Things that are important to you. Independence.”
Aldaan took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Calar could be so flighty, it was easy to forget that he was capable of being extremely insightful and reflexive, and also very hard on himself. There was a lot that came from Aldaan’s involvement with the crown prince of Aethrennar that he found stifling at times. But still. “That’s not right.”
“Isn’t it?” Calar loosened his grip, as if he expected Aldaan to want to pull back. “You can’t tell me this is the life you’d imagined.”
“No, of course not. I’ve never been good at guessing the future.” If he had been, Aldaan surely would have done a lot of things differently. Falling in love with Calar had been unfathomable before it happened. “But it’s still my own choices that brought me here, and keep me here. Always has been.”
Calar didn’t seem placated by these truths. “Choices you’d never have needed to make.”
“Maybe, but not everything that’s happening now is because of us.” Some things, he was sure, would have been worse for him without the protection of Calar’s name, family, and title. He could well be rotting in a cell somewhere, trying to satisfy interrogators whose questions he couldn’t answer. “It’s not too much for me.” He brought Calar’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “And it would be pretty shitty of me to take it out on you even if it was.” He could be mean, in play. He could hurt Calar if he wanted, and found he even enjoyed that, but that was different. “I want you to feel safe with me.”
Calar’s breath caught on the words, and he sniffed, drawing back. “I don’t. I don’t feel safe. Aldaan, I–” He broke, finally, sobbing, but allowed Aldaan to sit up and scoop him into his arms.
Aldaan held him while he cried, stroking and smoothing his hair, wondering if something had happened, or if it was just the passage of time that had brought out these feelings. Calar’s initial reaction to his abduction had been frustration and fury, but it wasn’t surprising to Aldaan that there had been fear buried under that. It hurt a little to think it meant that Calar didn’t trust Aldaan’s feelings for him, but he was clinging to Aldaan all the same. Aldaan would just have to keep showing him that he could.
“I still want it for you,” Aldaan said eventually. “And I’m not going to punish you for things that aren’t your fault.”
“I know,” Calar sniffled, still pressed close against Aldaan’s chest. “You make me feel so loved, and I wish, I want that to be enough…”
To go from being one of the most powerful people in Nerath, to a thrall whose power to move and even speak was under someone else’s control… Calar should also have been one of the safest people in Nerath, but the kidnapping had been so meticulously planned that the royal guard had been scrambling for weeks to even find a trace of where he’d gone. It wasn’t something that Aldaan could fix, as much as he’d have liked to. That was scary too.
“It’s different,” he said finally, fighting to keep his own feelings in check. Calar looked at him, golden eyes shining with a question as well as tears. Aldaan did his best to continue, but it was still hard for him, too. There was a knot in his chest, in his throat, and he could feel his own tears welling up. It wouldn’t help anything, not Calar or himself, so he fought it all back down. His words still came out choked. “I know it’s not the same, but I know what it feels like to… lose trust in the world, find out things aren’t what you thought. I was so lost… And I know I’m not the same person I was before. I know you’re not, either.”
“Then – how can you trust me?”
Aldaan kissed his forehead, wiping away a stray tear. “Because I love you? I don’t trust you to be perfect. I trust that you want to try, that you’ll tell me if you can’t.”
Calar huffed into Aldaan’s chest, snaking his arms around his waist. “You make it seem so easy.”
Another pang of hurt that he wasn’t sure what to do with. “You think that was easy for me?”
Now Calar looked up and glared, challenging, a little teasing. “Oh, effortless.”
An echo of the nervousness he’d felt in the moment came flooding back to Aldaan. “No… But I wanted it and I thought – I thought it would help you, to see that I do trust you, that I will let you help me. Was I wrong?”
Calar shook his head, sobbing again. “No. It was so right. Melda, I don’t like this. I don’t want to feel this way.”
“I know. I wish I could fix it.” He couldn’t fix himself, either. “But you’re trusting me now, aren’t you? We’ll just both do our best, okay?”
Sniffing, Calar buried himself against Aldaan’s chest again. He decided he would take that as agreement.
“Maybe next time, I can wear the collar, hmm?” He stroked Calar’s hair as he mused. “And you can see who you are when you have me at your mercy.” See how much he was able to trust Aldaan or himself, when they were being themselves and not whatever roles Calar had come up for them to play.
Calar froze, and Aldaan thought he’d got that wrong. “All right,” he said, after a moment of silence. “I’d like that. Another time.
Aldaan huffed and nodded. “Definitely another time. You must be exhausted.” He felt drained, and he hadn’t been the one crying.
“Mmm. Will you sleep?” Calar looked up, resting his chin on Aldaan’s chest. “I can rest if I’m watching you.”
Aldaan nodded. Most Eladrin didn’t sleep. Calar certainly didn’t. “Will you sing for me?” He’d never actually asked him for this before. Aldaan thought he did it mostly to pass the time, since he needed so much less rest than Aldaan, but Calar had a nice voice, and it was comforting to catch snippets of it as he drifted in and out od consciousness. It helped him rest better, too.
“Maybe.” Calar undercut his noncommittal answer with a smile – a real one this time – and passed Aldaan a cloth from the side table to clean up with a little more thoroughly. “Oh, of course I will. Beauty shrouds the world in love, and all that.”
Aldaan smirked, passing him back the soiled cloth. It was a wonderfully Corellonian thing to say, but the ironic timing was wonderfully Calar. “I love you.”
Calar smiled again, and stretched out beside him, eyes dry but locked on Aldaan’s. “I love you too.”