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“No!” The word didn’t echo but cut deep; clean and sharp like a papercut. It wasn’t an opinion; it was an immovable fact.
Sarah’s face fell as she looked back and forth between her bestie Jessica and Jessica’s mum, the one who just rejected her daughter with one word. Tears stung behind her eyes as she watched her friend shrink to impossibly small. Sarah rushed over and wrapped her arms around her, throwing Jessica’s mum an indignant look.
Jessica had been through a rough patch and Sarah had been there travelling along for most of that journey. She could vividly remember the first hiccup that – in hindsight – had been the start of an intense soul searching quest.
As Sarah and all their other friends were constantly gushing over boys, Jessica had confided in her that she didn’t feel attracted to any of them. They had talked about it, saying she was probably a late bloomer. She had also been the last one to get her period, so maybe her hormones just weren’t ready.
Only they were, as it became blatantly clear when Isabel transferred to their school. She was tall, dressed in black, had backcombed hair, wore heavy, black make-up, and stood out. Jessica couldn’t shut up about her, always circling somewhere in the girl’s orbit.
When a boy called Isabel a dyke, Isabel seemed unfazed, but Jessica felt a pang of recognition and doubts about who she was and wanted to be, seeped in. In her safe haven of the library, Jessica read what it could mean to be a lesbian and put the pieces together. That is where Sarah had found her.
Sarah had noticed her bestie being absent a lot, both mentally and physically, but Jessica only answered vaguely if Sarah asked her why she wasn’t around after school to hang out in the park, or she came up with an excuse about non-descriptive appointments. Seeing Jessica in a tucked away corner at the library made Sarah both angry and feel disappointed; Jessica could have just said she was studying. They could even have done that together, as always. Without overthinking, she slipped on the chair opposite and glanced at her friend with raised eyebrows. The shock on Jessica’s face startled her, and she watched Jessica quickly close and cover the book she was reading by leaning on it with both her forearms. Sarah leaned in and gently rested her hands on top of them.
“What’s going on, J?”
Jessica shrugged, shoulders tense, a mix of defeat and shame flashing over her face.
“Nothing… Just studying…”
“And you couldn’t tell me that, why?” Sarah tried to hide her annoyance as Jessica seemed truly distressed. What was going on?
Jessica just cast down her eyes, staring at Sarah’s hands. She felt Jessica's tension under her fingers.
Inch by inch she lifted Jessica’s arms until Sarah could read the title: No Turning Back: Lesbian and Gay Liberation of the '80s.
Sarah frowned and let go of Jessica’s arms as Jessica immediately covered her face and started shaking and crying.
She crouched down beside her bestie. “Are you… homosexual?” Sarah whispered, thoughts about Jessica interacting with Isabel flashing through her mind.
“Yes… no… I don’t know… I don’t want to… I… I’m so scared.”
They just sat there, until the tears seemed to subside and Jessica could breathe normal again. Sarah pulled up a chair and sat next to her.
“Do you want to talk about it or rather not?” She let the silence linger, not to persuade but as reassurance that she could hold space.
“I don’t want things to change, I don’t want to be an outcast or an anomaly.”
Sarah winced and wanted to tell Jessica she wouldn’t be, that everything would stay as it always had been, but that would be a lie. So she said what she knew she could live up to, “Nothing will change between us. I won’t let that happen.”
Carefully, she picked up the book and put it aside. “Come, let’s go to the park.” Sarah reached out her hand.
With a grateful smile, Jessica took it and together they walked outside.
The next period meandered from doubts and second thoughts to having fun about Jessica’s crush on Isabel, to deep conversations about the outside gaze and how to handle that; would she be safe if she was out in public? Would she ever find a girlfriend and where? Would she lose friends if they’d found out? And most importantly, would her family accept her?
“I think you’d better go home.” The icy voice of Jessica’s mum spat in Sarah’s face and pulled her back to the present; her chest immediately felt as if it was filled with solid rocks.
“J asked me to be here with her.” Sarah’s voice wobbled, but she didn’t avert her gaze.
“This is between Jessica…” Mrs. Overton emphasised, clearly annoyed by Sarah using the abbreviation, “and me.”
“Go. It will only get worse when you stay.” The tiny statement by Jessica, barely above a whisper, made Sarah hold her friend even closer, hoping she’d feel the love and find some courage in it to face the blunt rejection.
Reluctantly, she stood up straight and squared her shoulders as she walked out of the room, the atmosphere endlessly tense; the denial weighing heavily. Sunlight failed to get inside the room any longer.
The stones in her chest shattered and tears flooded her eyes. She felt powerless and devastated. How could Mrs. Overton act like this? Jessica was still exactly the same girl. Sarah looked back at her friend’s house and dragged herself home, feeling awful for having to let her bestie there alone. Once at home, she wiped away the tears with the palm of her hand, schooled her face, and walked into the kitchen where her mum was preparing dinner. “Hi Mum! Can J stay over this weekend?”
Sarah’s mum turned and wiped her hands on her apron. “Hello, love. Of course she can.”
Relieved, Sarah hugged her mum and ran upstairs. As she was inflating the air mattress, she made one promise to herself; if she would ever have kids and they’d be gay or lesbian, she would make them feel nothing but loved and complete.