Work Text:
It's late and Mina is gone, spending the night with some friends. You've taken the opportunity to clean the apartment, prep some dinners for the next few days, and now you and Lem lay on the pullout couch together, enjoying the faint sounds of the Eye from outside your window.
You've been thinking a lot lately, about him, about how differently things might have gone if you'd let him go on the Sidereal Horizon. If you'd gone yourself.
You probably would have gotten him either way, gotten the little family you now enjoy, but how different would it be? Would there be danger?
No matter what, a part of you feels bad for not giving Lem the choice. He worked hard on that ship, he had so much hope, and there was a way to get him onto it but you made that choice for him.
What right did you have? Was it correct? You don't know. Unconsciously, you get closer to him, placing your head properly beneath his chin.
"Sleeper? You okay?" He asks, sounding concerned. His arms wrap around you a little more and you're reminded of how strong he's become recently. He was strong before, just frailer and thinner. Not anymore.
You weigh the options in your mind and decide that you don't want to keep this secret.
"Lem? Can I tell you something?" You begin, considering facing him for this but you find that you can't. Not yet.
"...Yes? What is it? Are you alright?" You can practically feel the concern vibrating in his body.
"It's... I'm fine. I just, promise you'll let me explain completely before you say anything."
He shifts slightly, moving to sit up. You follow him, still partly avoiding his eyes.
"I promise." He says.
You sigh, thinking of where to start. "Back before the Sidereal launched but after it was built, I met a data fence named Castor." You start. "He knew me already--. Knew *us*."
More concern flickers across Lem's face but he stays silent.
"He said he was in the business of knowing things, exposing secrets. And the Sidereal had a big one." Your gaze drifts onto the floor and you idly fidget with the blanket that's now around your waist. "Did you ever wonder why the Celis Foundation built a colony ship like that here?"
Lem mulls it over for a moment before answering. "I assumed just because it was cheap, or maybe they were looking for people who were eager to work."
"Partially, but another thing, something that Castor told me, was that they didn't want anyone to know it existed." You say.
His eyes widen. "What?"
You nod. "Yeah, they wanted it to be a secret. They wanted the planet to be a secret. Castor wasn't a fan of that, so he offered me a deal." You take a deep breath. "Three tickets on board if I'd agree to help him spy on them."
Lem seems to pale slightly as he stares at you, at the couch, then back at you. "You had tickets?" He asks in a small voice.
"I had tickets." You admit fully.
"You had tickets." He says flatly, almost in disbelief. "How? What did you do with them?"
"I destroyed them."
He recoils from you, looking equal parts shocked and betrayed. "You *destroyed* them? What--- What about Mina? She could've... That was her ticket out of here. It was *our* ticket out of here. What?"
"Look, I know it wasn't my decision to make, but Lem the ship was a secret!" You argue, almost pleading. "It was a secret. This random foundation, building a secret ship in a secret system for a secret colony. Do you have any idea what they could've had planned there? At least here we know the demons."
He turns away from you, removing the covers from his legs and moving the edge of the bed. "You destroyed the tickets..."
You're silent. Tears would be welling up in your eyes if the Essen-Arp bioengineers cared enough to let your frame cry.
Even with his back turned to you, you can see how torn he is. You know how difficult it was for him to move past the Sidereal betrayal, how hard it was to scrape together a life here, how you both were finally getting used to it. Part of you feels like you should've just stayed silent and let him enjoy it, but a bigger part feels like it was the right choice. You don't want to have a relationship founded on a lie.
"You're saying the colony was a secret?" He asks, not turning back to you. You can tell he's getting choked up.
"Y-yeah. It was supposed to be a secret."
"That's... Fuck..." He sniffles, cradling his head in his hands. "Building that stupid ship, all for a secret colony. God, what could've happened there?"
Your breath hitches slightly. "Anything."
"I... I don't know what to think. You should've told me about it, Sleeper. Before it left. But I get why you didn't."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want you two to become slaves to another corporation." You cautiously move closer to him, slipping an arm around his waist. "I should've told you, but I didn't want you to get hurt."
He leans against you. "I get it. I'm just.... Upset."
"At me?" You ask hesitantly.
"A bit, but also at the situation. At myself. I was so hopeful, so hellbent on leaving this place that I didn't ask the important questions." He sniffs. "I could've gotten her into a situation much worse than here."
You sigh, dropping your head against his. "This shit sucks."
He chuckles. "Could say that again."
"I wish there was no evil plan for once. I wish you could've gotten your happy ending." You say.
"Would you have come with us?"
You pause a moment, eyes turning down to the floor. "I-. I don't think I could have."
"Why?" Lem asks.
"Stabilizer." You say grimly.
Your eyes are trained to the floor, looking at the grooves in the well-worn vinyl. "No guarantee they'd give me any. And having a sleeper on the crew... Maybe they'd think I was sending signals back to Essen-Arp." You pinch the bridge of your nose and shut your eyes tight. "No clue."
"I didn't even think about that." Lem says, almost apologetically. "It'd be a death sentence for you."
"Yeah." You sigh, leaning in closer to him. He wraps an arm around your waist.
"I'm sorry." He kisses you on the side of the head, right on the groove where your facial panel and the rest of your head meet.
You wish you could cry. You wish you could believe in the future like he did. Maybe the colony would've been fine, maybe it would've been paradise, but you never would have seen it. Or maybe the engineers on board would have figured it out and you would've been fine.
You'll never know.
"Let's go finish the rest of that girolle wine we have left." Lem says, grabbing your hand pulling you up.
You chuckle tiredly. "Yeah. Let's do that."