Chapter Text
Life is a puzzle, one that can take years to put together. Koshi Sugawara always felt that he knew exactly what pieces went where and that he was putting his puzzle together just the way it was meant to be. He was a straight A student all through school and university, a team player in every sense of the word, a good and kind friend to everyone in his life. There weren't many mistakes he made for every decision was made with dignity and class. So Koshi was sure that his puzzle of life was coming together just the way it should, until the years passed and a missing part became bigger.
Eventually so big it could never be filled.
Koshi always wondered when the hole of emptiness began to get larger and figured it probably was always there. He made sure everyone around was happy but never thought he was neglecting his own happiness. All of the goals he had were getting met ever since childhood. Valedictorian of his class in high school, a beloved vice captain, becoming a teacher with a masters degree years before most candidates. They were all goals that were set and completed with grace. But under the titles and meaningless degrees, who was Koshi Sugawara really? What did he have besides those achievements?
It wasn't until the death of his closest friend that the hole that was always there became more apparent to him. The day that Daichi Sawamura passed seemed like the longest and shortest day all at once and it was the first day that Koshi finally realized that he was truly alone. That he wasted time on goals that didn't matter and never focused on the things his heart desired.
Koshi couldn't remember exactly when he fell in love with his best friend, but was sure it was in high school. It wasn't hard for him to make friends and get close to people, especially others who were also kind and friendly. But unlike himself, Daichi had a sense of confidence and aura that Koshi never possessed. An aura that lit up his life, one he found chasing throughout high school and their years on the team together. Through the years of being besides each other, working hard for themselves and their team, the bond they had with one another grew. Grew into an unbreakable friendship that would always be there. Or so he thought.
Although Koshi knew deep down he was in love with Daichi, he never acted on those feelings. How could he? Daichi was the closest friend he had, the one that was so entangled in his very being that even the thought of ruining it because of unrequited love made him sick. So he hid the growing feelings. Always smiling away the desire that was deep within. Even on the nights that the two of them got too drunk and tangled in each other's arms, he never made a move. Always pulling away when the drunk Daichi got too close, his lips pursed and aimed for him. But Koshi knew it was just the alcohol talking, or it was what he chose to believe until it was too late.
When the news of his friends death hit, Sugawara was crushed but finding out it was from suicide was a different pain he didn't know how to process. Much like himself, Daichi had set and accomplished all the goals in his life. His high school and university careers were flawless, the team he led as captain became one talked about for years and the man even became a police officer like he always dreamt of. To serve and protect his home was all Daichi ever wanted and the man did it with the utmost dignity and confidence. He also had a beautiful wife that he vowed to spend the rest of his days with. Koshi was sure he had never seen a more happy man in all of his life. So why would someone who had everything he ever wanted choose to die with a rope around their neck?
It was a question that haunted him, and the moment he knew the answer the guilt ate him alive.
The day of Daichi's funeral, a fellow officer pulled Sugawara aside and handed him an envelope with his name on it. The man explained that they found it at the scene and per police protocol they had to open it and read it. However since Daichi was truly gone and the death ruled a suicide, the officer felt like it was important that Koshi had it. There was a look of sorrow on the man's face when he handed it over, his eyes apologizing for something unknown. But the moment he opened the letter, Koshi understood the unspoken apology and the reason why Daichi felt like he couldn't live another day.
Even weeks later Koshi still couldn't get the neat words written on the parchment that single handedly broke his heart out of his mind. The man had read it a million times, could even recite the letter if asked. The words basically burned into the corneas of his eyes. They were words that he'd never forget, words that solidified the regret and guilt that he had.
This particular afternoon Koshi stood on top of one of the highest towers in Tokyo that he could get roof access to easily. The city seemed almost miniature from the height he was at, the people going to and from their days were like tiny little ants. Ants reaching for their goals, ants attempting to put the puzzle of life together the best they could. He only wished that they didn't do what he did and ignore what really mattered deep inside their hearts.
Koshi let out a big sigh before reaching into his pocket and grabbing the bottle of anxiety medication that had been his saving grace at night the last few blurry weeks. But no medication could fix the hole in his life, the broken piece of his puzzle he'll never get back. No, that was gone the moment his best friend and love of his life left the earth.
Opening the bottle he poured the remainder of the script in his hand. It was only six pills, not enough to kill him but it definitely would make his body relax. Even if he made peace with saying goodbye to the world, the natural flight or fight response was strong. With a bit of medicine the anxiety would melt.
He had every intention of being done with his puzzle that afternoon. All the things he had accomplished seemed worthless, meaningless. At the end of each day he went home from his classroom to an empty house. An empty house that would never feel like home because there was no one to share it with. And his heart didn't want to move on from the person he loved, the person he failed to reach out to. Maybe if Sugawara let his friend drunkly kiss him all those times he tried then he wouldn't be here on this building. Lost and full of regret, his puzzle falling apart and unmendable.
After swallowing the pills dry, Koshi found a bit of resolve to step closer to the very edge of the roof. Looking down made his stomach turn, seeing just how far up he truly was. Heights were never frightening to him, but knowing he was staring down at the route of his death was a little unnerving. However the nervousness wouldn't sway his decision, he'd just wait until the drugs kicked in and his body naturally fell from the sedation.
Letting a few moments pass and the spring wind cover him, Koshi could feel the beginnings of the medication start its course. He felt more relaxed, his eyes heavy. Honestly, he was sure he could jump just then and be fine but first he had to do one more thing. The words written by the most important person to him had to be read one last time.
Digging out the letter, he opened it carefully. His hands were shaky due to the drugs coursing through him so he made the concrete effort to grip the letter as tight as possible. Taking a big breath in he took in the words he knew by heart, reading them out loud to himself.
Koshi,
If you're reading this letter then I am no longer alive. I know that fact alone is painful and I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to leave. That I couldn't see your bright smile and sparkling brown eyes one last time. But just know that it will be the last thing I remember before I take my last breath.
I wish that I would have said all of this sooner but now is a better time than any. I love you Koshi Sugawara. More than a friend, more than I have ever loved anyone, even my dear wife. I tried to move on from this feeling, maybe that's the reason I so cowardly married the first woman I could after university. But I know I'm living a lie. A lie that gets harder to breathe in each day. All the lies I have told her, my family, my friends, even you. They are all so stacked up that I no longer know the truth. I can't dig myself out of this. I can't have what I truly want, the thing I have wanted since the day we met all those years ago. I thought with age I'd be able to move on but everytime we were alone all I wanted to do was to hold you, to kiss you, to make you mine in every sense of the word. But each time your resistance gave me my answer yet I kept trying. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I kept trying to kiss you after a few drinks and I'm sorry I never was honest.
Please don't blame yourself Koshi, I'm glad you were in my life even if it wasn't the way I dreamed of. But I can no longer pretend that I'm okay, that I'm happy. I have replayed this in my head a thousand times and I know that this is the best end. The best end for me, for you, for everyone.
I love you Koshi Sugawara, and I want nothing for you but to be happy and content for all your days. Just know you were the best thing I ever had. Even if you were never mine.
Sincerely, Daichi Sawamura.
As he read the letter he knew so well, hot tears began to sting his eyes. Even if the words were etched into his brain, they hurt every time. Especially because Koshi had always felt the same, he was always in love with Daichi. A love that just grew and grew no matter the time passed. A love he was sure was only one sided which is why the kisses always got turned down. Now, the regret of never giving in destroyed him.
“Daichi, I loved you too…I still love you…” As he cried out his voice shook with emotion and his words slurred from the drugs. “If I could go back in time I'd tell you that.. we could be together. We could love each other."
While he spoke, Koshi clutched the letter in his hand. Tears streamed down his face.
“I'm so sorry I never said anything. I'm so sorry you felt like you had to die because of your love. I don't deserve that kind of love Daichi…”
The subtle smell of burning tobacco filled his senses as he mumbled to himself. A smell he ignored. He was up there all alone, Koshi knew for a fact. So it was probably the dirty city air that was lingering around. A thought that barely surfaced as he continued his confession to someone who couldn't hear it.
“I wish you didn't die, that you didn't kill yourself because of me. But I can't go on knowing you did that. I can't live in a world without you. So, maybe in the afterlife we can be together. Maybe there we can be together…”
Between his weeping goodbye another voice spoke out. Koshi knew the drugs were rapidly running through him so at first he thought he was hearing things. Maybe it was his conscience trying to get him to step back.
“Do you think that's what he would really want? That he would be happy that you're giving up and joining him?”
“I can't live without him…I can't live knowing this is all my fault.” Sugawara replied to what he thought was a hallucination even though there was a familiarity to the voice. But that was the last thing he wanted to think of. He made up his mind days ago, no words of a hallucination would be able to sway the decision.
“It's not your fault, you didn't put that rope around his neck” The voice spoke again, the sound getting closer and closer with each word. “Daichi was a coward for choosing that end but there is no way he'd want you to join him, Suga-chan.”
The familiar name rang in his ears, it was something very few people ever called him. In Koshi's whole life he could count on two fingers the people who ever used that honorific towards him and the sound of it made chest tighten. At first the man was convinced he was hearing things due to the drugs, but now the voice was too close, too personal to be all in his head.
“Doing what he did will not make anything better and by the sound of it, it's the last thing he wanted for you..” The voice that was now right behind Koshi was steady and calm but also extremely familiar. Despite his mind being hazy and jumbled, he knew that he wasn't alone on that rooftop anymore. Someone was right behind him, someone he knew well but couldn't place.
“I can't go on…it hurts too much..” Sugawara cried out, his body trembling. “Living without Daichi is impossible and wrong. I can't do it”
As the man cried, his body began to sway back and forth. Between the overwhelming emotions and high dose of drugs in him Koshi could no longer stand up. It was a fact that he didn't mind, figured it was the time. That he'd just close his eyes and let himself fall just as planned. However as his body began to fall forward, a force grabbed a hold. Pulling him backwards into a strong embrace.
“What-what the-” Sugawara mumbled, his mind swirling. He was ready to be done with it all, to be done with the pain and regret. Ready to end the puzzle that was destroyed by his own actions or lack thereof. But instead of falling to his demise he was still on that rooftop, being held tightly by a firm embrace.
“Why-why?” He began to sob louder, his blurry eyes looking up at the one that stopped him. Maybe it was from the medicine or the adrenaline pumping through him, but he couldn't place the face. The outline was familiar just like the voice. However Koshi was too far gone to realize just who stopped him.
“I'm sorry Suga-chan, but I can't let you do that.”
At the man's words Koshi became undone. Slumping onto the concrete still wrapped in an embrace of someone he couldn't place. This wasn't how the afternoon was supposed to go, this wasn't what he'd plan. He was ready to be done with everything and to join the person he loves. Instead he was now crying uncontrollably in the arms of whoever pulled him back.
********
The day started off just like every other day to Kuroo. An early alarm waking him up for the routine workout and morning jog followed by a long shower before putting on a fresh suit and heading to the office. A mundane schedule that seemed the same every day. Between every coffee and meeting, Kuroo was on autopilot. Going through the motions with each step.
He wasn't sure when life began to feel so stiff and inauthentic but figured that's what age does to you. Even though he was a few years from being thirty, Kuroo felt older. Not in a physical sense, the man had never been more fit and healthy. But mentally he felt dull, looking out into the world with no excitement that once was prevalent to who he was. There was a lingering thought in the back of his mind that this was all there would ever be. Days filled with meetings and nights filled alone with the rare occasions of meeting with old friends. A future filled with success but also with a sense of loneliness he was sure would always be there.
It wasn't as if Kuroo had no one in his life, frankly there were many people he saw and talked to on a daily basis. Even outside of business, the man had friends and family. Truly he wasn't without human interaction but something was missing. Something more that he longed for.
Kuroo was always a hopeless romantic but the last and only true relationship he'd ever been in drained out the hope that it would ever be something of reality. There was no bitterness towards his ex, especially since the man was his longtime best friend. Even after they broke off their long six year relationship, Kenma remained in his life. Almost as if those years never happened. Like the deep love they shared disappeared and Kuroo was back to being his friend. It wasn't truly what he wanted but the other could never match him in their relationship so breaking up was the best choice to keep the emotionally unavailable in his life.
Kuroo took the break harder than Kenma, something that wasn't surprising to him or the others in their life. Truthfully Kuroo was always the one that put more effort especially towards the end and eventually it became apparent that no matter how much he longed for Kenma, they were better as friends. Sure they were extremely compatible sexually, but everything else was unfortunately futile.
Even months later the absence of the relationship stung, making the loneliness even more heavy. But Kuroo did what he always had, put a smile on his face and moved on. That's what the world expected from him and there was no time, no room to grieve his broken heart. A reminder he told himself everyday.
After the usual morning of meetings and calls, the man found himself headed to the place where his lunch time was spent. Up on the rooftop where he'd spend the hour chain smoking. A habit he picked up when Kenma began to drift apart from him and a habit he hadn't been able to drop. Kuroo figured that the roof would be empty like it was every day. Most everyone else who smoked in the office used the patio on the floor level, no one wanted to climb the many flights of stairs. However that afternoon it wasn't empty and to the man's surprise a familiar figure stood on the edge, face looking out at the city below.
The last time he had seen Sugawara was at the funeral of an old fellow captain and friend about a month before. Kuroo knew that Koshi took Daichi's death the hardest, even harder than the late man's own wife. At the funeral he even tried to speak to his old friend, the guy completely shut down and distant from anyone that approached. So Kuroo knew that the death of his best friend destroyed him, however never expected to see what was unfolding in front of him.
As he lit up the cigarette, he didn't try to hide his presence but didn't want to disturb the other. At first Kuroo wasn't sure why Koshi was even in Tokyo, on top of an office building by himself. But as the guy began to shakily read the letter left by Daichi, everything began to make sense. The reason why Daichi killed himself, the reason why Koshi was on top of that building and as soon as it became clear, Kuroo's heart sank. Sank at the words of a broken man who believed he had nothing to live for.
It was abundantly clear the Koshi had one plan in mind, and by the twisted fate of life Kuroo just happened to be there. There was no way in hell that he'd let his friend jump off that roof and without thinking much about it he stepped forward, dropping the half smoked cigarette onto the ground.
Luckily after their brief exchange of words, Kuroo was able to pull the guy back, wrapping his arms around the trembling man. Koshi was ready to die, to jump and end it all right there that afternoon. But an unlikely friend reached out, refusing to let his story end there.
As Kuroo held the man in his arms for what seemed to be an eternity and listened to his inaudible cries, he realized all of his own heartbreak seemed almost pitiful. Here was a man who had loved someone for so long in silence only to find out the love was mutual after his death. His grief almost seemed laughable in comparison and as Koshi's body and mind gave up, falling limp in his arms, Kuroo let out a sigh. Vowing silently to himself that he'd find a way to help the broken man.