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Sebek would say he lives a good life.
He had a loving family, friends, went to a prestigious magic school and was recently even knighted by Malleus himself! He attended his lessons, trained with Silver, went to club activities and enjoyed good food from the cafeteria everyday. He would get himself in and out of trouble with the other first years, spend time with the rest of Diasomnia and overall just enjoy himself everyday! Even after Malleus’ overblot, life had basically returned back to normal, he was still happy and still alive. So yes, Sebek would say that he lives a good life.
So why, why did he feel this way?
That snarling, endlessly gnawing voice at the back of his head would practically scream at him every time he saw his own reflection. Sebek would wake early, drag himself to the bathroom mirror and just.. stare. He turned his head from side to side, from up to down, looked from far, looked up close - yet nothing looked right. He'd smile at the mirror, with teeth and without, make angry, sad or happy faces, but something was always missing. Sometimes he'd change his hair, make it messier, neater, straighter, more curled, yet nothing worked.
It didn't feel right.
See, during Malleus' overblot, he'd learnt that his Grandpa despised humans because of the war on Briar Valley; now, Sebek already knew this, of course he did! Grandpa Baur had raised him after all, so he had shared his.. idea? Of humans. Sebek was also very aware that he was only half fae. Even if his father was a magicless human, his grandpa accepted him and his siblings, so it all seemed fine! He was also very aware of how fully fae Lillia and Malleus were. He'd seen their magic. Hell, Malleus even uses it to get ready. He'd stared at their pointed ears and teeth, their eyes and he'd seen Malleus’ horns and dragon form. Sebek knew he had some of the Fae features, he had the pointed teeth and slitted eyes after all. Now, Sebek liked to believe he didn't mind that he wasn't fully fae, or that he didn't have amazingly strong magic - he was a late bloomer after all!
But he did mind. Of course he did mind.
Perhaps it was his grandfather's words during Malleus' overblot - telling him “I have no grandchildren, don't speak such nonsense, human!” Maybe it was his appearance, he did lack the Zigvolt scales after all. But his grandpa said he accepted him as he is. Perhaps it was because of Lillia and Malleus, Fae were naturally both physically and magically strong, so maybe he felt like he wasn't strong enough? It would make sense, if he wasn't strong enough he wasn't worthy to guard Malleus after all. But he was training everyday to be worthy. Maybe it was Silver and the other humans, he would never quite fit in with them since he was half Fae, but he really did try - well harder than before, so that didn't make sense. None of those reasons made sense.
After all, Sebek would say he lives a good life. He doesn't need these thoughts. He's happy and has no reason to be sad or depressed. But those ideas always lurked. They haunted his sleep, flooded his mind during the day and never left.
The first time he had ever noticed these thoughts was when he first arrived at NRC. He'd noticed how much closer Lillia, Malleus and Silver were - though, to be fair they were practically family and Silver already called Lillia ‘Father’ and Malleus was raised by Lillia. It made sense why they were much closer, they were technically family. Sebek wouldn't say he felt jealous, of course not, he had his own loving family at home! But something felt off, like he didn't quite fit in. However, those thoughts eventually faded away as he settled into NRC, he ended up brushing them off as nerves and uncertainty since he had just reunited with the rest of Diasomnia.
After that, the thoughts only reappeared every now and then when Sebek was alone and quiet (which was quite rare). He'd always manage to push them down before they got too out of hand though and move on with his day. Those thoughts shouldn't be in a knight's mind anyway, Sebek told himself.
So why were they back now?
Sebek panted as he swung his sword on the training ground. His head spinning as he spun and twisted around, then parried and thrusted at Silver. Why was he so out of breath? He kept pushing Silver back, trying his best to corner him. You're going to win this match and prove your worth Sebek.
Abruptly, Silver ended up overpowering him, using his blade to smack Sebek's own out of his grip as he twisted under his attack and glided to the other side of the training arena - now Sebek was defenseless. Then, Silver charged for him, aiming straight for his chest, he leapt up and towards him, the blade was rapidly approaching Sebek now and he could do nothing but stand there frozen. He saw the sharp gaze in Silver’s eyes, his face beaded with sweat as his hair swept past his face, he really did look like a warrior prince like this. His brows furrowed and his teeth clenched as he made his final push through, sword ready and aimed directly at his target. His eyes were so human. The pupils were as round as the moon, so much unlike Sebek's slitted ones. Then, just as the sword was about to make contact -
“Bravo! Bravo! My, my, Silver you've improved so much more!” Lillia clapped gleefully as he cheered from the sidelines. Silver abruptly stopped and panted, he dropped his sword to the ground as he wiped his face and fixed his hair.
“You're making great progress. Keep up the good work Silver.” Malleus came forward and offered his own praises to Silver.
“Ack! Father you're squeezing me-” Silver yelped as Lillia pulled him into a tight hug.
The other two were swarming Silver, praising him and being affectionate. All the while Sebek stood to the side and watched the family. They hadn't even noticed he hadn't approached yet. Lillia and Malleus hadn't given him praise. He slowly walked towards the trio as he picked up his sword from where it had been thrown to.
Why can't I be like Silver? Fully human, strong and princely? His human blood will always be purer than my half-blood, and he completes Lillia-sama and Waka-sama’s family. They're all pure blooded.
“Haha! Well done Silver! You really got me there, you're definitely going to be able to protect Waka-Sama!!” Sebek flashed his toothy grin and shouted. Even if the smile felt too tight below his eyes, he'd at least look normal.
“Yes yes! My boy is getting better and better!!” Lillia joined in with the compliments
“He'll make a fine guard alright” Malleus smiled happily as he hovered close to Silver.
“A-ah thanks guys..” Silver flustered slightly, not used to being complimented so much.
Sebek walked behind as Malleus and Lillia walked with Silver in-between them, as they headed back to the dorm they made conversation. It was so natural for them, and while Sebek made his own input when asked, the conversation flowed through the other three easily. He could tell just how strong their bond was, he admired it, yet it also made him feel.. something else.
It wasn't jealousy. It wasn't “being left out”. It simply made his stomach churn uncomfortably. It made him want to rub his eyes and blink away that stinging feeling. Why was he feeling this way?
Once they reached the dorm, Sebek went to his room and laid on his bed. He stared at the ceiling, desperately pushing those thoughts and feelings back. He doesn't need to think about these small things. His life is great! He's happy and content.
After all, Sebek should say he lives a good life.
As Sebek returned from a study session with the other first years, he watched as Malleus reorganised the lounge room with his magic, the items floating around with that gentle green glow as Malleus commanded them. Sebek turned to the kitchen where he saw Lillia quite literally turn into thin air as he teleported back to his room with a glass of water.
Sebek turned back and watched silently as Malleus hummed the same lullaby while pouring himself a tea with his magic, again. It must be nice to be able to do that. Such strong magic and he's only 18 in human years. Sebek clung to the book in his hands tighter as he walked away to his room. His eyes were stinging again. They ached.
Why couldn't I be a pure Fae? Why couldn't I have strong magic like that?
Sebek tossed the textbook to the side of his bed as he sat down. He put his head in his hands as he desperately rubbed his eyes raw, trying to get rid of that awful stinging. He abruptly stood up before practically sprinting to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror, really looked. He looked thinner, he'd been missing meals after all. He looked paler and less happy, but those things didn't matter to him. He looked at his ears, eyes, mouth and face. His eyes and teeth matched up, they were as sharp as can be, but his ears and his face.. Sebek tugged at the tips of his ears, desperately trying to pull them into the same pointed shape as Malleus and Lillia's. He looked at his smooth skin, completely devoid of scales. Just like his grandpa had said in the dream. He didn't have the scales at all. Not even a small trace of them.
If only I was fully fae. Maybe then I would be gifted like Lillia-sama and Waka-sama. I'd have magic strong enough to protect them both. I wouldn't need to train as much and I'd be able to spend more time with them.
Shut up. Why are you thinking like a weakling? Who cares about what you want, Waka-sama needs protecting.
Sebek slapped himself before he fled the bathroom and back to the room. He practically scrambled for the textbook and started his homework. He was going to clear his head.
Does Sebek really live a good life?
“Yo, Sebek, are you alright you've barely touched your food..” Ace’s voice brought him back to the present as he blinked. The other first years were all looking at him with concerned faces.
“Huh- Oh! Uhm yeah just a bit stressed about a few things you humans know how it is!” Sebek smiled back at Ace. God, why am I such a liar.
“Aw.. Poor Sebs, don’cha worry about ‘em lil’ thangs!” Epel patted his back from the side.
“Yeah, Epel’s right, whatever you're worried about will be fine I'm sure!” Deuce added as Jack, Ortho and the prefect nodded along.
“Exactly! So eat up before Grim gets to your food!” Ace added the last part in a whisper.
“Hey! I heard that” Grim screeched as he lunged for Ace.
Sebek put the same smile back on again, the one that was too tight around his eyes. Chaos ensued after as it usually did with the first years. While it was all pretty funny, Sebek couldn't feel happy in the moment. While everyone else was giggling and play fighting, he didn't fit in. He wasn't going to fit in, even Ortho - who was a robot - blended in more than him.
It was just like how he was at Diasomnia.. he didn’t fit in with the other three who got along like family. He acted too differently. He was too loud, too annoying, too obnoxious, too stuck up and far too Malleus obsessed to have a real personality. Everyone else was so unique, so individual. They had their own strengths and weaknesses. Why was Sebek so different? Why couldn't he just be.. normal? Sebek sat at the lunch table silently eating his food trying to ignore all the thoughts.
Why can't I just have normal social interactions? Why must I be like this?
My sevens.. don't be like this again and again, can't you ever shut up about how weak you are just do something about it?
Sebek chewed faster through his food, ignoring how the textures didn't feel right.
Sebek feels he doesn't live a good life.
Sebek slowly opened his eyes. He looked out at his alarm clock on his bedside table after rubbing his eyes until they felt sore.
3:00 AM - the clock handles read.
Sebek blinked. Once. Then twice. Then he let out a quiet groan. Not again. This was the third time this week he'd slept from 5pm until 3am. This was also the same as all the last times. Those thoughts had plagued his sleep.
“Tch. Might as well get up.” Sebek said to no one in particular. However, these words seemed easier said than done. For whatever reason, Sebek could not bring himself to get up and get ready. Just like all the last times. He laid there, staring at the ceiling and thinking. Pondering those thoughts again.
Why am I not worthy? Why am I not good enough? Why is Silver better than me? Why am I not fully fae? Why couldn't I just be good? Why am I sad? Why. Why? Why why why why why why why -
You're just lazy. You have a much better life than everyone else. Just get up. Get up Sebek. Don't be lazy. A knight of Briar Valley should never be lazy.
That voice screeched at him. It silenced the other voice speaking in his mind and Sebek couldn't help but agree. He lives a good life, he doesn't have horrible trauma like everyone else at NRC. He just needs to get over it. So, Sebek gets up and repeats that same routine again.
He brushes his teeth. Washes his face. Stares at himself in the mirror. Gets dressed into his school uniform. Gels his hair and combs it. Stares at himself in the mirror. Studies his class material. Does his morning training. Stares at himself in the mirror. Afterwards he goes to the dorm common room where Silver has prepared breakfast.
“Good morning Sebek!” Lillia greets him as he cuts up his pancakes.
“Ah it's good to see you awake Sebek, did you sleep well?” Malleus smiles as he gets his plate.
“Morning Lillia-sama and Waka-sama! I slept very well and I've already done my morning training!” Sebek shouted back. He needed to act normal. He was loud and happy and joyful. Silver flinched slightly at the sudden yelling, but he too offered his greetings.
“Morning Sebek.. please don't be so loud in the morning.. Anyway, what would you like for breakfast?
“Ah.. it's quite alright I've already eaten!” You don't need to bother them for food, you're already a burden since you're so pathetic..
“My, this is the 24th time you've made food by yourself before us Sebek! You really are growing up my boy.” Lillia commented, pretending (?) to dab his eyes with a tissue.
“Indeed. You are becoming much more capable now Sebek. I'm glad.” Malleus replied, drinking from his tea cup.
“.. Yeah, Sebek’s growing up alright,” Silver added while pouring himself some orange juice, “though it would be nice if you did join us for meals every now and then.. I don't see you eat with the other first years at lunch either, you just sit and chat”
“Oh Silver let the boy be! He's finally growing and making friends, I'm sure he's eating enough - you said it yourself once, he's a bottomless pit, our Sebek wouldn't last a day without some good food!” Lillia chuckled softly as he poured syrup over his second portion of pancakes.
“Hm.. I do think that Silver has a point though. The other first years have brought up before that you've had a change in appetite recently Sebek, are you sure you're quite alright?” Malleus turned to Sebek, his eyebrows furrowed in worry.
“Haha! Waka-sama I am healthy and fine! Don't worry about me!” Sebek grinned ear to ear, even if the smile did feel too tight on his face, “I'm your knight after all, I should be the one worrying about you!” he tried to project his voice more but it came out as a croak, hopefully they didn't notice. Exactly, don't be a burden on them Sebek.
There was a beat of silence before Silver sighed. Sebek looked back up at the other three, they were exchanging looks between them before they all ceremoniously stood up and walked Infront of Sebek.
“Sebek. Don't lie to us.” Silver began.
“.. What?”
“Sit down Sebek. We're going to have a talk.” Lillia suddenly turned serious. Sebek hadn't seen him this serious since Malleus' overblot.
“I.. No, no Lillia-sama I'm fine! We have class soon!” Sebek made more of that awful croaking as he tried to edge towards his dorm room.
“Class can wait. Sebek, please sit.” Malleus said sternly as he appeared behind him, practically pushing him back to the kitchen island.
Look what you've done now. They've caught on.
Sebek gulped as he sat down.
“Sebek. Be honest with us. Are you feeling alright? We've all noticed how little you eat, how much you skip training and class and especially how you've been forcing yourself to be loud when you don't want to.” Silver told him, staring him down with a worried look.
Sebek blinked once. Then twice. Then he threw his head back and let out a rambunctious laugh. It immediately caught Silver, Lillia and Malleus off guard; they all backed away slowly exchanging shocked glances, wondering if they'd made Sebek go mad.
But then, the laughing turned to cries. The change was so faint that Lillia only picked up on it when Sebek suddenly threw himself forward and brought his hands to his face. The cries then turned into raw sobs. Gut wrenching sobs from his throat that ripped through the silence. They sounded so desperate and animalistic. Lillia immediately rushed forwards and knelt down to Sebek's level to try comfort him.
"Woah woah! What's wrong Sebek, is it school stress? We can ask Crowley -"
"NO!" Sebek screeched back.
Lillia winced as he reached back towards Sebek to try calm him down.
"What's wrong the-"
“Why can't I be like you, Silver? Why can I not be fully human? Why must I be half-blooded?” Sebek yelled between whimpers and cries. “I’m not Fae enough either, you and Waka-sama are so strong and perfect and I'm so pathetic!” Sebek cut Lillia off, sobbing and wailing into his arms. He was wiping tears and snot away from his face and he desperately avoided eye contact.
“Oh Sebek.. You're not pathetic, you're a strong knight.” Lillia gently whispered as he placed his arm on Sebek's.
“But that's not it! I keep having all these useless thoughts! I shouldn't be crying, I shouldn't be like this! I have a good life, I'm not traumatised like everyone else here. I don't deserve to feel like this, I'm just ungrateful Lillia-sama..” Sebek croaked out, his throat raw from sobbing.
Malleus and Silver exchanged a confused look between them at Sebek's words while Lillia focused on comforting him by gently hugging him.
“Sebek, you don't have to be traumatised to feel depressed. You're allowed to feel however you want no matter how you live.” Silver put his hand on Sebek's left shoulder gently squeezing him.
“Silver is right, Sebek. You are allowed your own feelings even if you have a good and happy past. It is clear you feel inferior to us because you feel that you lack the ‘wholeness’ that we do, but you are perfectly complete Sebek.” Malleus crouched down to meet Sebek's teary eyes.
“How can I be complete if I am not fully Fae or fully human?” Sebek sobbed.
“Being fully Fae or being fully human does not mean being complete. You are complete because you are so caring Sebek, you're allowed these thoughts and you can always talk to us about them.” Lillia wiped away Sebek's tears on his cheeks.
“Promise?” Sebek sniffled.
“Promise.” The other three replied in unison.
Sebek started crying even more as he desperately clung to them. He was going to live a good life from now on. He vowed to do it. He was going to feel however he wanted and tell the other members of Diasomnia whenever he had those thoughts again. He was going to accept the fact that he felt like this sometimes.
Because Sebek was going to live a good life.