Work Text:
While the words that came out of her mouth may have sounded absurd, Veronica couldn’t have been more serious. She had the same determined look in her eye she got whenever her father tried to revoke her credit hard privileges. Her arms were crossed on top of the table, leaned forward so that no one at the table could ignore her. As usual, her presence demanded to be felt.
Her red lips parted to repeat the question, the one she and Betty had wrestled with all night.
“Which one of us is prettier?”
Archie sighed. “You know I’m not gonna answer that.”
“Betty.”
Devastatingly, Archie and Reggie’s answers came out at the same time. Under usual circumstances, this would have made Reggie look like an asshole. But the current debate was a twist on an age-old question. For once, Veronica didn’t want to be flattered; she wanted proof that if any girl in the world was prettier than her, it was Betty. It was a matter of two best friends, and girlfriends, trying to prove each other wrong. Reggie’s answer meant that Archie would be forced to choose a side, whether he wanted to or not.
“Thank you,” Veronica slammed her hand down on the table. Then, turning to Betty: “See? I told you.”
Betty crossed her arms. “That doesn’t prove anything.”
“C’mon,” Archie frowned at Reggie from across the table. “Why’d you have to say that?”
The other boy simply shrugged. “I’m not ashamed of my bias.”
“You guys are insufferable.”
And there sat Jughead, on the end of a booth where Archie was sandwiched between him and Veronica. This is supposed to be a date between the other four, cleverly disguised as a double date. Not for the first time, Jughead found himself dragged along to one of these dates, by a best friend who insisted he “couldn’t go anywhere without him.” It could be that his well-meaning friends don’t want him to feel excluded; which is a natural concern when your friend group of five contains a polycule of four. When he thinks of it that way, it’s almost sweet. The problem is that his friends seem to have forgotten that there’s nothing he hates more than dates.
Veronica glares at him. “Can it, Needle Nose.”
“Do couples seriously sit around and argue about which one of them is prettier?” He asks, genuinely. “Does that not get boring?”
“Only the ladies,” Reggie says. “Me and Archie wouldn’t waste our time on this.”
Betty kicks him under the table. “Archie and I. And I don’t like what you’re implying.”
“What am I implying?”
“It kinda seems like you do,” Jughead cuts in again. “You’re willingly participating in this debate.”
“I’m not,” Archie puts his hands up, defensively. “Count me out.”
Half these people haven’t even touched their food yet. Jughead is already on his second burger and they’re all too busy arguing about…whatever this is. To be completely honest, he’s not sure what it’s about. He gets the basic premise, but surely there’s more to it than “No, you’re the prettiest girl in the world.”
“Archie refuses to choose,” Reggie sing-songs. “What a surprise.”
“Just you wait,” he shoots back. “You might be on Ronnie’s side now, but tomorrow this is gonna turn into a whole thing.”
Wouldn’t be surprising, given that these four can’t go a week without somebody offending somebody. Last week Betty didn’t feel like Archie was spending enough time with her. The week before that, Reggie thought Veronica was flirting with a waitress. They find the most minuscule, insignificant discourses to engage in. Jughead can only assume it’s the result of boredom from all the dates they go on.
“We already told you,” Veronica says. “Neither of us will get mad.”
“We only want your honest answers,” Betty adds.
It’s a bit unusual to see those two sitting across the booth from each other, as opposed to side-to-side. A needless precaution, given that anyone with half a brain could tell that they’re together. Betty’s green shirt has a red lipstick stain around the collar, and Veronica smells like Betty’s perfume. They arrived here together, rather than with either of their dates. Reggie and Archie aren’t being subtle either, with the way they keep reaching across the table to hit or poke each other. He’s not sure why they bother trying.
Archie drags a hand down his face. “Both. The whole point of polyamory is that I want you both. I thought I was done deciding.”
Until the next breakup that inevitably results in them realizing for the upteenth time that they all want to be together. Jughead keeps that thought inside, alongside his other judgments.
Betty reaches across the table, gently touching his arm. Her expression softens slightly, while Ronnie’s remains unmoved.
“We know you love us both,” she reassures. “But it’s only natural to have preferences. In some areas, at least.”
There must have been some joke that went over his head, because Reggie laughs. A loud, rough sound that dies out with one glare from Betty.
“As I was saying,” she continues. “It doesn’t mean you love one of us any less.”
Veronica drops her head on his shoulder, black hair falling across his orange shirt.
“Archiekins…please?”
Jughead should really bolt out of here before they start fighting. He’s not interested in playing relationship counselor. Enough time has been wasted trying to solve their problems for them. Best not to waste another day. One more burger, and then he’s out of here.
“Fine,” Archie groans. “Veronica. I think Veronica’s prettier.”
The first thing he notices, the first thing he looks for, is Betty’s reaction. The way the light in her eyes dies a little, her smile falling before she quickly corrects it. He can see the gears turning in her head, reminding herself not to get down about it and- oh, right. That’s why he puts up with them. He cares about these idiots too much to let them hurt each other without emotional support. Betty would never admit to one of her partners that Archie hurt her feelings, but she might admit it to Jughead over video games.
Archie must notice it too, because he takes her hand in both of his, preparing for an apology that gets cut off.
“Ha!” Betty says. “That’s one point for me.”
“Totally unfair,” Veronica sits back up. “Archiekins has always been biased in my favor. That doesn’t count.”
“It counted before he gave his answer.”
“Because I had faith in him,” she explains. “Faith that was clearly misplaced. Reggie is the only one with sense around here.”
Reggie grins. “Can’t argue with you there.”
“Just admit it,” Betty carries on, ignoring Reggie. “You’re the prettiest girl in the world.”
“Not true,” Ronnie leans forward. “I’m looking at the prettiest girl right now, and she’s much blonder than I am.”
In need of comfort, Jughead slouches against Archie. He’s not usually the affectionate type, but casual touch from his buddy re-energizes him. Which is exactly what he needs when his other friends have drained him. He’s not sure if he’s relieved the debate is settled, or anxious to see how it continues.
“You guys are tied,” he reminds them. “What’s the point in dragging this out?”
“Betty’s wrong and I’m right,” Veronica snaps. “That’s the point.”
“No,” Betty pops a fry in her mouth. “I’m right, you're wrong. I’m smart, you’re dumb. End of discussion.”
“How mature.”
“I don’t know about Archie,” Reggie slips his arm around Betty’s shoulders. “But I stand by my decision. You’re both hot, but if I had to pick a favorite…”
Ronnie rolls her eyes. “We get it.”
“I’m not sure why any of this matters,” Archie complains. “You’re both equally stunning.”
“Almost equally,” Betty says. “Ron is prettier.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Wait,” a lightbulb goes off in Reggie’s head. “What about Archie and I? Which one of us is prettier?”
“Archie and me.”
“Hotter,” Archie corrects. “Please say hotter.”
“That’s it, I’m out.”
Jughead stands, taking the remains of his burger and milkshake with him. He can eat them on his way out.
Four startled faces watch as he slides out of the booth, as though they have no clue what caused such a reaction. Even Veronica looks taken aback (good). They all seem totally oblivious to how difficult it is to eat lunch with them.
“You’re leaving?” Archie scoots over to the edge of the booth. “How come?”
Jughead sighs. “Self-awareness, Arch. We talked about this.”
“We aren’t excluding you, are we?” Betty frowns.
“You should exclude me,” he says. “This is a date, I should not be included in this.”
Archie raises an eyebrow. “So you don’t want me to cover your check?”
“That’s different.”
It’s not that his friends want him on a date with them, they’ve established many times that they’d all rather eat their own spleens. And thankfully, he’s excused from more intimate gatherings (yuck). But the five of them are admittedly very clingy with each other, platonic or otherwise. On top of that, none of them are very good at boundaries. He’s been privy to one too many “locker room talks” about the girls. Way too many.
All this considered, he’s not surprised they invited him on their date. It’s not shocking in the slightest that Archie was the one to invite him. He’s more shocked that the two of them didn’t share a womb. At some point, the cord needs to be cut. They need to learn to let him go from time to time.
Betty is the first to see his point of view. “You can leave if you want.”
“Please,” Ronnie adds. “The door is right there.”
“I’m gone.”
“You’re still coming to band practice, right?” Reggie calls after him.
“What time?”
Archie pipes up. “Tomorrow at 4:00.”
“PM or AM?”
“What do you think?”
“Just checking,” he shrugs. “I’ll catch you guys later. Enjoy the rest of your date.”
He exits on a chorus of Bye Jughead’s. He’ll need to check up on each of them after the date to make sure their petty argument didn’t spiral into a real fight. Not to mention, making sure Betty is okay. For reasons he still can’t comprehend, he really does care about those idiots. Right now though, his work is done. He can go home and enjoy another burger.
And if he gets a text that night asking which one of them is the funniest, he’ll save it for the morning.