Work Text:
+7 9XX XXX XX XX
Fri, 08 Jan 06:45 PM
Person B: Привет, красотка
Person B: Ты в Москве или всё ещё в отпуске с моим братом?
Person A: ?
Person B: Что было трудно понять?
Person B: Он прочитал мое сообщение?
Person A: I don't speak Russian.
Person B: Очень смешно
Person A: Think you've got the wrong number.
Person A: I'm in Canada. Hence the area code.
Person B: This is not Sofia?
Person A: Last time I checked, no.
Person B: Shit sorry
Person B: I have new phone and mixed up phone number
Person A: It's fine.
Sat, 16 Jan 07:31 PM
Person B: Сегодня Алексею приходится подменять кого-то на ночной смене, а мой отец уехал на всю неделю
Person B: Хочешь зайти ко мне и потрахаться?
Person A: Dude.
Person A: Still the wrong number.
Person B: лол sorry. My bad
Person B: I am drunk
Person B: Did not pay attention to number
Person A: Just delete it.
Person B: 👍
Wed, 20 Jan 08:01 PM
Person B: письку даш ибат))))
Person A: Well. I take it you haven't deleted my number then.
Person B: Forgot
Person A: What does that mean?
Person A: What you wrote in Russian.
Person A: I ran your other texts through Google translate but this one doesn't make any sense.
Person B: Is joke
Person B: You translated?
Person A: Obviously. Had to make sure I wasn't getting texts from a criminal.
Person A: Or a creep.
Person A: Turns out luckily you're just some guy trying to hook up with a girl.
Person B: Yes
Person B: My brother's girlfriend
Person A: What?!
Person A: Why the fuck would you do that?
Person B: 1. Sex is fun
Person B: 2. She is hot
Person B: 3. My brother is asshole
Person A: Did he sleep with your girlfriend, too?
Person B: Of course not
Person B: I am not person you would cheat on
Person B: I am hot so I am person you would cheat with
Person A: Sure.
Person B: You do not believe me?
Person A: I don't care what you look like.
Person B: Okay. Then I will not send you photo of me
Person B: Probably better this way or you would fall in love with me
Person B: Would be very sad for you because I live in Moscow
Person A: I'm not a girl.
Person B: So?
Person A: So I do not care what you look like.
Person A: Or that you are in Russia.
Person B: 👍
Fri, 22 Jan 11:57 PM
Person B: Я ещё на тренировке. Сообщу, когда вернусь домой
Person A: Do I even have to say it anymore?
Person A: Wait, you play hockey?
Person B: долбоёб
Person B: ^ Me. Not you
Person B: Yes
Person B: Lucky for my team because I am best and score all the goals
Person A: I also play.
Person A: You a forward then?
Person B: Obviously
Person B: I am center
Person A: Huh.
Person A: Same here.
Person B: How many points?
Person A: I'm at 84 currently. You?
Person B: 81
Person A: Shit, really?
Person A: Where do you play?
Person B: Why do you care?
Person B: I am in Moscow, yes?
Person A: Oh, come on.
Fri, 22 Jan 1:03 AM
Person A: Fine, don't tell me.
Sat, 23 Jan 8:21 AM
Person B: Why is so dark at your rink?
Person B: Are you 38 and play loser beer league?
Person A: I'm the first one here and haven't switched on all the lights yet. 🙄
Person A: And no. I play in the QMJHL.
Person A: That's Quebec's junior league.
Person B: Yes I know
Person B: I never stop hearing about your boring league
Person A: It's not boring.
Sat, 23 Jan 10:17 PM
Person A: Do you know how to roll a joint?
Person B: Are you 13?
Person A: What?
Person A: No.
Person A: I'm 17.
Person B: You are 17 and have never smoked weed?
Person A: Drugs are stupid.
Person B: Is weed, not coke
Person A: Still a drug.
Person A: Anyway, that's not the point.
Person A: One of my teammates made me go to his house and I said I'd roll him a joint so I wouldn't have to play this weird drinking game he likes.
Person B: You are at party, yes?
Person B: If you are bored, get laid
Person A: Yeah, his roommates throw house parties all the time.
Person A: And no, I'm not gonna do that.
Person B: Why?
Person B: Is fun
Person B: I have sex all the time
Person A: Good for you.
Person B: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu... [HOW TO ROLL A JOINT]
Person B: You should make surgery appointment
Person A: ?
Person B: To remove stick from your ass
Person A: Fuck you. I'm not uptight.
Person B: Okay
Person A: I'm not!
Person A: I just don't really like parties.
Person A: Or drinking.
Person A: And drunk people are exhausting.
Person B: Then why did you go?
Person B: Just tell your teammates you prefer to be lame virgin at home and go to bed at 9 o'clock
Person A: I'm not lame.
Person A: Or a virgin.
Person A: I mean, not really, at least.
Person B: I do not think I understand
Person B: How can you be not real virgin?
Person B: Either you have had sex or you have not
Person A: Like, I've not been inside a girl.
Person A: But I've been with girls.
Person B: Why not?
Person B: Is best feeling in the world
Person A: I don't know. It just hasn't happened.
Person A: We don't all have brothers whose girlfriends we like to sleep with.
Person B: Sofia is not first girl I fucked
Person A: Right. Forgot you have a loooot of sex.
Person B: Why are you making fun of me now?
Person B: You are virgin. Not me
Person A: I'm not making fun of you.
Person A: Wait, how old are you?
Person B: Also 17
Person B: Much more interesting 17 year old than you though
Person B: And better at hockey probably
Person A: Yeah, right.
Person A: I have more points than you, remember?
Person B: Only 3
Person B: But I have game tonight and will score hat trick
Person A: Sure.
Person B: Opposite goalie will cry 😔
Person A: *Opposing.
Person B: I do not care
Person B: English is stupid language
Person A: Your English is really good, though.
Person A: Are you taught in school?
Person B: Yes
Person B: Russia is not developing country
Person B: Not in that way at least
Person B: But I also have friend here in Moscow who is American
Person B: And now I have boring Canadian boy to teach me because he would rather talk to stranger on the phone than teammates at the party
Person A: Ha ha.
Person A: You're right, though. I should go back.
Person B: Go back?
Person A: Yeah, I went outside for a bit. Needed some air.
Person A: Thanks for keeping me company.
Person B: Have fun
Sun, 24 Jan 3:01 AM
Person A: How'd the game go?
Person B: Scored hat trick like I said of course
Person B: Opposing goalie did not cry
Person B: But he punched me because I am too good and it pissed him off
Person B: 😔
Person A: Or maybe he punched you because you're an asshole.
Person B: No I am nice Russian boy
Person B: Even gave him pat on shoulder for effort
Person B: It was very brave of him to step on ice to play against me even though he could not block single shot
Person B: It was almost boring to score on him
Person B: Too easy
Person A: Yeah, okay.
Person A: You seem like a real sweetheart.
Person B: Thank you
Person B: It is late in Canada, no?
Person A: Yeah. Just got home.
Person A: And I have a date tomorrow.
Person A: With a girl.
Person A: Obviously.
Person A: So. Not so uptight after all.
Person B: Congratulations
Person B: You must be very excited to do what everyone your age does
Person A: Again: this is not my first date!
Person A: I've even gotten blowjobs before.
Person A: And, like. Reciprocated.
Person B: Congratulations again
Person B: Reciprocated blowjob? Sucked dick?
Person A: NO!
Person A: I went down on girls.
Person B: Ah
Person B: You ate pussy
Person A: Jesus.
Person A: I should mute your texts.
Person B: Who else but you reads them?
Person A: No one!
Person A: But, like, you never know.
Person A: I don't live with my parents at the moment but my mom is always so nosy.
Person A: She doesn't monitor me or anything but she also doesn't really understand privacy, I guess.
Person A: Does yours?
Person B: Is just me and my father
Person A: And your brother?
Person B: He is not around so much
Person B: Where do you live if not at home?
Person A: I live with a billet family.
Person B: Ah I have heard of those
Person B: Must be nice to get away from home for a while
Person A: Good for hockey. I miss home, though.
Person A: Not that I'd ever tell my parents that.
Person B: Yes. They would be upset you are weak
Person A: Lol. No.
Person A: They'd cry tears of joy and take me home immediately but then I couldn't play here anymore, and that would suck.
Person B: Is there no good team near you?
Person A: I grew up in Ottawa, so I could've joined the Cens' youth program but my coach back then connected me with the billet family I live with now and they're good people. I only have a few months left anyway.
Person A: Is that not a thing in Russia?
Person B: No
Person B: I live in Moscow
Person B: I play in Moscow
Person B: I argue with my father about staying in Moscow
Person A: About staying in Moscow after junior league?
Person B: Yes
Person B: He wants me to play in the KHL
Person A: And what do you want?
Person B: To play in the NHL
Person A: Really?
Person B: Is best hockey league in the world
Person B: Hockey here is boring sometimes because other players are not as good as I am
Person B: I want to win Stanley Cup
Person A: I know. Me too. Maybe we'll play against each other some day.
Person A: Could be fun, I think.
Person B: Yes. Maybe
Mon, 25 Jan 6:49 PM
Person A: Just scored two goals, so I'm still ahead of you.
Person B: For now
Person A: Sure.
Person A: Hey, what stick do you play with?
Person B: Rekker Morph Pro
Person B: You?
Person A: Beauty. I used to play with a 5030. I prefer CCM though.
Person A: I have the Ribcor Trigger.
Person B: Capitalist
Person A: Lol. What?
Person B: CCM and Bauer have gobbled up every other hockey company
Person A: Huh. Didn't take you for a guy with a strict moral code considering you're sleeping with your brother's girlfriend and all.
Person A: Anyway, I buy whatever works for me. And CCM is going to sponsor me.
Person A: I mean, if everything works out, but I can't see why it wouldn't, and they've already expressed their interest. I did a few of those junior prospect interviews with them this year for ESPN.
Person A: Speaking of, are you going to play the International Prospect Cup in December?
Person B: Yes
Person B: I will make sure to look out for boring sellout CCM athletes from Canada then
Person A: And who should I keep an eye out for?
Person B: Strong, tall, sexy Russian who will score more goals than you of course
Person B: Will be hard to miss me
Person A: You fucking wish, dude.
Person A: Also I'm pretty sure "sexy" isn't a physical attribute I'd identify in an opponent.
Person B: Yes because you have not played against me
Person B: Other players are not as good-looking
Person A: Okay, well, I wouldn't know. I don't really pay attention to other players.
Person A: At least not like that.
Person A: Do you?
Person B: Not really
Person B: I have to go now
Person A: Oh, right, it's early in Russia. Hope you have a nice day.
Person B: Unlikely
Person B: My balls will freeze off
Person A: Lol. You're a baby.
Thu, 28 Jan 6:22 AM
Person A: I'm at my parents' house. This is a lake if you can't tell.
Person A: Much worse than Moscow.
Person B: Can you feel your dick still?
Person B: Or has it fallen off because of frostbite yet?
Person A: I can still feel it.
Person A: Ask me again in like three hours when I'm back home after cross country skiing with my dad.
Person B: You will get attacked by bear
Person A: You're not gonna be that lucky.
Person A: Bears hibernate.
Person A: I'll be safe and sound and win the cup in December.
Person B: I did not know you were biologist
Person A: I think a zoologist would be closer. Biologists are more focused on cellular biology and stuff.
Person B: 😐
Person A: Sorry.
Person A: I will go now.
Person B: I hope your dick will survive
Person B: Wrap him in merino wool
Person A: Lol.
Thu, 28 Jan 10:46 AM
Person B: Dick still ok?
Person A: Wow. Not even gonna ask if there have been any freak bear attacks?
Person B: Priorities
Person A: Didn't know you were that interested in my dick.
Person B: I just feel bad for him
Person B: He has not experienced pussy
Person B: It would be tragic to die not knowing what that feels like
Person A: Okay. Enough making fun of me for being a virgin.
Person B: I thought you are half virgin
Person A: Shut up.
Person A: My dick and I are fine.
Person A: Why are you awake?
Person A: Isn't it in the middle of the night in Moscow?
Person B: I can't sleep
Person A: That sucks.
Person A: I find meditation helps.
Person A: Or a workout.
Person B: Okay thank you for tip
Person B: I am probably just going to jerk off though
Person A: Yeah, all right.
Sat, 30 Jan 9:48 PM
Person A: Scored 2 goals tonight.
Person B: Then I will score 3 tomorrow
Person A: Of course.
Mon, 1 Feb 4:41 AM
Person B: Coach tried me on different line with worse wingers. Scored 1 goal. I am pissed but I will score two hat tricks in next two games to make up for it.
Mon, 1 Feb 6:29 AM
Person A: There goes your Sherwood sponsorship.
Person A: You're gonna have to sign with CCM like the rest of us consumerists.
Person B: I would rather kill myself
Person A: You have an iPhone.
Person A: Hypocrite.
Person B: You are right
Person B: My father bought it for me
Person B: Is status symbol in Russia
Person B: Like driving German or Italian cars and wearing designer clothes
Person A: Well, you'd hate Canada then.
Person A: There's too much snow to justify buying a Porsche.
Person B: Maybe if you are bad driver
Person A: No, that's just dumb. You'd struggle to keep it out of the rhubarb.
Person A: And your car is ugly.
Person A: Wait, you're 17. Are you even allowed to drive yet?
Person B: Rhubarb?
Person A: Oh, sorry. Forgot it's a Canadian phrase. It means keeping your car out of the ditch and the related shrubbery/snow, basically.
Person B: Ah. But I am good driver
Person B: And is my friend's car. He is 18 already
Person B: If it was mine obviously I would have gotten it in bright orange color
Person B: But you are blind and stupid if you think it is ugly
Person A: Holy shit, that would be so obnoxious. A bright orange Porsche?!
Person A: But fitting, I guess, for you.
Person B: I think you are just boring
Person B: I will buy lots of cars when I have tons of money after being #1 overall NHL draft pick
Person B: And then I will have you flown in from boring town in Canada to show you
Person A: Lol. Sure, dude.
Person A: Remember when you called me a consumerist for buying from CCM?
Person A: And you can't seriously think you'll be drafted first when my stats are still better than yours.
Person B: Barely, and season is not over yet
Person A: Your ego's pretty big for someone who's not actually playing in the NHL yet.
Person B: Yes, my ego is appropriate size for my body
Person B: Especially my dick 😘
Person A: All right, man.
Sun, 2 Feb 10:32 AM
Person B: Is this you telling me you need help taping your stick? Because I am very good with my hands
Person A: You wish.
Tue, 4 Feb 7:02 PM
Person A: So.
Person A: You can stop making fun of me now.
Person A: I am not a virgin anymore.
Person B: 😢
Person A: I thought you'd be happier about this.
Person B: No I am happy for your dick
Person B: Finally he knows what pussy feels like
Person B: Just a little sad I can no longer make all jokes I had lined up
Person A: Asshole.
Person A: If I'm being honest I probably could've done without it, though.
Person A: I mean, it felt good.
Person A: But it took a while to get there, you know?
Person A: Like, I just... kinda expected more from it. I don't know.
Person A: But maybe I was just in my own head too much or my expectations were too high.
Person B: Or maybe girl you fucked was not hot enough
Person A: Don't be a dick. Jessica is really pretty.
Person A: And I like her a lot.
Person B: Yes but do you think she is hot?
Person A: I guess.
Person A: I mean, yeah. She is gorgeous. All of my friends think she's hot.
Person A: And she's really nice.
Person B: Nice does not make your dick hard
Person A: Yeah, well, I did get hard.
Person A: Eventually.
Person A: And it did feel good, just... maybe not as good as I thought it would.
Person B: Then you have not had good sex
Person B: But it was your first time
Person B: Is probably different for everyone the first time
Person A: What was your first time like?
Person B: Hot
Person B: I did not want it to ever end
Person B: I came so hard I saw white
Person A: Were you not nervous?
Person B: At first maybe a little but not really
Person B: I think I was too horny to be nervous
Person B: Was fun
Person A: Okay. Well. Yeah, I suppose it must be different for everyone.
Person A: I liked the feeling after.
Person A: Kinda like post-workout bliss.
Person B: You like the feeling after more than actual fucking?
Person A: No. Well, kinda? I don't know. The sex itself just felt a bit lackluster, I guess.
Person B: But you came?
Person A: Yeah.
Person B: And she?
Person A: I think so. She said she did.
Person B: On your dick?
Person A: What? Yeah. I mean, that's what she said.
Person B: Okay
Person B: You did not rub her clit or play with her tits?
Person A: ... Should I have?
Person B: I do not know. I was not there
Person B: Do you watch porn?
Person A: Yes.
Person B: What kind?
Person A: I don't know, like, normal stuff?
Person B: Man + woman?
Person A: Obviously. What else would I watch?
Person B: There is lots of porn to choose from
Person A: Well, sure, but I'm not into weird shit like furry or hentai or whatever else there is.
Person B: No but lots of guys like watching lesbians
Person A: Do you?
Person B: Yes
Person B: Among others
Person A: Like what?
Person B: Whatever I am in mood for
Person B: I like sex in general
Person A: Okay, so, what does porn have to do with my... uh. Thing?
Person A: Like, why are you bringing this up?
Person B: I think maybe you should have the kind of sex that you get off to
Person A: Lol. Good thing it's not hentai then. That'd complicate things.
Person A: I get off to normal sex. Man and woman, penis in vagina, orgasm.
Person A: And it wasn't, like, bad with Jessica.
Person A: I've probably just got to figure it out, like with the blowjobs.
Person B: What about the blowjobs?
Person A: I guess I cum faster if I don't watch it happening.
Person B: What?
Person A: Yeah, I don't know.
Person A: For some reason it's easier if I don't look at whoever's blowing me.
Person A: Maybe that's cause I guess sucking a dick can be a bit degrading for the girl, you know?
Person B: Okay
Person B: I do not think it feels degrading
Person B: I can not imagine it feeling that way with you anyway
Person B: You are nice boy, yes?
Person A: Sure, I mean, I'm not, like, weird about it. I don't call girls sluts while they're sucking me off.
Person A: But it's still a dick that they have in their mouths, you know?
Person A: Which is not exactly the most attractive body part.
Person B: You do not think dicks are hot?
Person B: Mine is
Person A: Lol. Fuck off.
Person B: Do you think pussies are hot?
Person B: Tits?
Person A: Sure, I guess?
Person A: I don't think I'd describe them that way but yeah, probably.
Person B: How would you describe them?
Person A: I don't know. They're just... that. I see a girl's tits and I don't immediately think they look hot or anything. I guess I just think, "those are tits."
Person B: So when you watch porn or you see Jessica naked you do not get hard?
Person A: Well, no? Not right away. I get hard when there's, like, something happening. To my dick.
Person B: Hm
Person A: What's that mean?
Person A: Oh, wait. Jessica's calling.
Person A: Gotta go. Talk to you later.
Person A: And thanks for listening.
Person B: Yeah, sure
Person B: Bye
Fri, 7 Feb 11:19 PM
Person A: I had sex again.
Person B: Was it better?
Person A: Kinda.
Person A: I think I found a better rhythm.
Person A: And we tried a different position that worked better, I guess.
Person B: No more boring missionary?
Person A: Fuck you.
Person A: She was on all fours.
Person A: I think I was deeper inside this way?
Person B: Good for you
Person A: I just... get a bit bored, I think. I don't know.
Person B: Bored?
Person A: Yeah, like. From the thrusting and stuff. Not entirely sure.
Person A: It feels good but it's also just a little repetitive, is it not?
Person B: I can not say I have ever felt bored fucking anyone
Person A: Maybe "bored" was the wrong word to use. I just expected... Fuck, I don't know. Like, tingles and heat and stuff.
Person A: And, well, fun?
Person A: I thought there'd be more passion or whatever. And Jessica is so quiet during sex. Like, she's making sounds, but it's not like there's any talk or anything, ever.
Person B: Maybe you are sleeping with wrong person
Person A: How?
Person A: Jessica is great.
Person A: She's funny and easy to talk to and my parents like her.
Person A: Actually, everyone likes her.
Person B: Doesn't mean you have to date her
Person A: I'm not gonna break up with her just because the sex is maybe not quite what it should be.
Person A: It was only the second time we did it.
Person A: Sometimes it takes a few tries, right?
Person B: I don't know
Person B: I do not usually sleep with people more than once if I am not into it the first time
Person A: So with all of your girlfriends it always just fit right off the bat?
Person B: I have not had a girlfriend
Person B: But yes. People usually want to fuck me and I only fuck people I am attracted to
Person A: What? You've never had a girlfriend?
Person A: So you just sleep around?
Person B: Yes
Person B: Like I said
Person B: I like sex
Person B: And I am good at it
Person A: But do you not want something more serious?
Person B: Why?
Person B: So I could not fuck as many hot people as I do now?
Person B: They would all miss out on my cock 😔 Would be very sad for them
Person A: Something's wrong with you, dude.
Person B: Impossible
Person B: God would not let me have so much good sex if there was
Person B: I am his favorite
Person B: It is why he made me so attractive
Person A: I seriously doubt attractive people actually have to mention they're attractive all the time.
Person B: You are so boring
Person B: Like broken record
Person B: I know you do not want selfie but I can not listen to you question how hot I am anymore
Person A: That's you?
Person B: No is random guy I took photo of
Person A: Like, from the internet?
Person B: What?
Person B: No!
Person B: Of course is me
Person A: Oh, okay.
Person A: Well, I can't see much other than your chest and, like, maybe some abs.
Person B: You want a picture of my dick?
Person A: What?
Person A: No? Not really?
Person A: Look, I get it, you're easy on the eyes.
Person B: Yes
Person A: And good at hockey.
Person B: Yes
Person A: And good at sex.
Person B: Also yes
Person A: And you're gonna be at the International Prospect Cup in December.
Person B: Yes
Person A: Okay. Well.
Person A: Hope you're good at losing, too.
Person B: Sorry you won't find out 😔
Person B: But you can watch me lift the trophy to make up for it
Person B: Will prepare you for when you watch me be drafted first
Person A: Keep dreaming, buddy.
Fri, 14 Feb 1:09 AM
Person B: Happy Valentine's Day
Person B: I scored 4 goals today
Person B: Let me know if you want game tape as present
Person B: You could probably learn a thing or two they don't teach you in boring Canadian league
Tue, 9 Mar 11:10 PM
Person A: Sorry, I was busy.
Person A: How have you been?
Person A: And no, thanks. I can send you mine, though, if you ever wanna learn to prioritize technique over brute force so you won't have to tap out at 32.
Person B: Ghosting me on Valentine's Day right after I showed you my tits
Person B: Brutal
Person B: My technique is perfect
Person A: I had training camp.
Person A: I'm also a bit stressed.
Person B: Why?
Person A: Okay, so this is going to sound a little arrogant but I'm sure you of all people won't mind too much.
Person A: Hockey has always been really easy for me to the point where I maybe have gotten a little bit bored with it lately.
Person A: But now there's this other guy everyone's always talking about and it's stressing me out.
Person A: At the same time, he is making hockey more interesting again for me.
Person A: And I love competition. It's fun. But I also do not want to give up my #1 spot, you know?
Person B: Very arrogant
Person B: I am almost proud
Person B: And yes, I know same feeling
Person B: There is other player with same position as me that my father and coach never fucking stop comparing me to
Person B: Is annoying because he is very good
Person B: Probably as good as me and I do not know anyone else who is even close to my skill other than him
Person B: So I have been training harder than usual, getting blisters on feet and muscle aches and shit
Person B: Did not think I could get muscle aches anymore because I have been more athletic than everyone ever since I can remember but whatever
Person A: Fuck, yeah, me too.
Person A: I do ice baths every day now.
Person A: My dad is so disappointed because I won't eat his chicken parm anymore.
Person A: But this other guy is so jacked. You should see him. No way he eats chicken parm, and I'm not gonna get drafted 2nd just because I love my dad's cooking.
Person B: Your father cooks?
Person A: Yeah, all the time. He loves it.
Person A: Thank God, because my mom's terrible at it.
Person A: What about your parents?
Person B: I usually cook for myself or eat at the rink or sometimes a friend's place
Person B: Today I got McDonald's though
Person A: I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Person B: You don't like it?
Person A: It's fucking garbage, dude.
Person A: Low nutritional value, too much saturated fat, highly processed... That shit's gonna kill you.
Person B: Maybe
Person B: Probably the cigarettes will kill me first though
Person A: You smoke???
Person A: Are you stupid?
Person B: You are being very judgmental
Person A: Yeah, well, you're giving me a whole lot to judge here.
Person A: You're an athlete.
Person A: Also, how are you this fit if that's how you live?
Person B: I go to the gym every day
Person B: I run every day
Person B: I play hockey every day
Person B: And obviously I do not just eat junk food
Person B: But my mother used to get me McDonald's when I was young
Person B: Every time we came back from the rink, she would stop at McDonald's to buy me happy meal
Person A: Did she also stop by gas stations to buy you cigarettes?
Person B: Did you just make a joke?
Person B: I did not know you could be funny
Person A: I've changed my mind.
Person A: Eat as many shitty burgers and smoke as much as you want. I don't care if you die.
Person B: Liar. You would miss comparing your stats to mine
Person A: Maybe.
Person A: Do you ever check the ranking?
Person B: Not as often as my father or my coach
Person A: I feel like I rarely do anything else anymore.
Person A: Anyway, I should sleep. I've got early morning practice tomorrow. Talk soon, yeah?
Person B: Yes. Night
Wed, 25 Feb 3:29 PM
Person A: How's Moscow?
Person A: Finally getting a little warmer, too?
Person B: Yes but it will not stop raining
Person B: I would much rather deal with snow
Person B: How is it going with Jessica?
Person A: All right.
Person A: I asked her to be my girlfriend.
Person A: She said yes.
Person B: Boring
Person B: Tell me about the sex
Person A: Not much to tell. We haven't really had a lot of it, to be honest.
Person B: How often?
Person A: Per week? Maybe like twice, on average.
Person B: Your poor dick
Person B: He thought he was finally free of celibacy 😪
Person A: You're an asshole.
Person B: Is it better now?
Person B: The sex?
Person A: Not really. It's not bad, just... kinda boring still. I don't know.
Person A: What about you?
Person A: Changed your mind on dating yet?
Person B: Of course not
Person B: Fucked my friend last night
Person A: And was it good?
Person B: You are joking, yes?
Person B: Is always good with me
Person B: I have athlete stamina and huge dick
Person A: Right.
Person A: When did you first have sex? At what age?
Person B: 13
Person A: You were 13??
Person B: You are being judgemental again
Person A: Sorry. That's just really young to be having sex.
Person B: So?
Person A: Nothing. Sorry.
Person A: Did you tell your parents?
Person B: Why the fuck would I do that?
Person A: I mean, I don't know. I think I might have, at that age.
Person B: Did you tell your parents you had not yet fucked anyone when you were 13?
Person A: Kinda?
Person A: They gave me the talk at that age.
Person A: Like, don't knock anyone up, be safe and wear condoms, that kind of stuff.
Person A: So it wasn't entirely voluntary but yeah, they knew I wasn't sexually active. Not that they expected me to be.
Person B: And do you listen and wear condoms like obedient responsible son?
Person A: Obviously. I'm not stupid.
Person A: .... Do you?
Person B: Yes
Person B: I am not stupid either
Person A: No, I know.
Person A: Some of my teammates keep saying it feels better without a condom, though.
Person B: True, it does
Person B: I would not do that with random hookup though
Person A: So you have had sex without a condom?
Person B: Only twice
Person B: With my best friend
Person B: First time to see what it feels like
Person B: Second time because we were drunk and forgot
Person B: Was annoying because we freaked out after and had to drive to 4 pharmacies for morning-after pill
Person A: Oh, shit.
Person A: But that was a long time ago, right?
Person B: Yes I am not going to be parent
Person B: Maybe I will consider it when I have won 7 Stanley Cups
Person A: Ambitious.
Person A: Especially seeing as you're probably not even going to live long enough to experience 7 hockey seasons with your diet and all the smoking.
Person B: Yes, maybe
Person B: You will be happy to hear I am smoking now
Person B: Waiting for my blades to get sharpened
Person B: It is taking ages
Person A: Got nothing better to do in the meantime than to poison your lungs?
Person A: You could go over game strategy or something.
Person B: No
Person B: I am tired
Person B: And I am going to win next game anyway
Person A: Easy opponent?
Person B: They are all easy
Person B: I want to play against you
Person A: Me too.
Person A: I can tell you about how my gym sessions have been going if you want.
Person B: Okay
Person A: I've gained some more muscle so no matter where you are standing in the draft rankings, you have no chance at the #1 spot.
Person B: Nice but unfortunately for you so have I
Person B: I think you will just have to accept I am going to be drafted first
Person A: How many points do you have now?
Person B: If I tell you it will ruin your day
Person B: Or maybe it will turn you on because it is hockey and you will want to jerk off
Person B: I think if you could you would fuck an ice rink
Person A: Fuck off.
Person A: Come on, tell me.
Person B: 104
Person A: No way!
Person A: I have 108. Still better than you. :)
Person B: But I have game tonight
Person B: I will score hat trick and assist
Person A: Because it's that easy.
Person B: Against team I am playing tonight? Yes
Person B: Is barely a challenge
Person B: And I fucked opposing d-man's girlfriend last month
Person B: Will be fun to see him on ice
Person A: Why?
Person A: You're just making things more complicated for yourself.
Person A: You do know there are single girls out there, right?
Person B: Because is fun
Person B: And he can-opened me last time we played
Person B: пизда
Person A: Was that before or after he found out you were hot for his girlfriend?
Person B: She came on to me
Person B: Not my problem her boyfriend has tiny cock and will not lick her clit
Person B: I did her a favor
Person A: Lol. Sure.
Person B: And he is ugly
Person B: Unlike me
Person A: I'm no judge of that.
Person B: You should know by now I am hot
Person A: I know what your chest looks like.
Person B: Is nice chest, yes?
Person A: I mean, yeah, I guess. You work out a lot.
Person B: Yes
Person B: I work out every part of my body
Person B: Want to see?
Person A: I don't need to see you jerking off.
Person B: Not what I was going to send
Person B: But interesting you would say that
Person B: Have you been thinking about my cock?
Person A: Obviously not.
Person A: Girlfriend, remember?
Person B: I remember you telling me about all the incredible sex you two are having
Person A: We're still getting to know each other!
Person A: Anyway, that doesn't mean I want to see another guy's dick.
Person B: Okay. Your loss
Person A: My loss? What's that supposed to mean?
Person A: What, do you want me to want to see it?
Person B: I don't really care
Person A: Bullshit.
Person A: Do you send dick pics to other guys?
Person B: I was not going to send you dick pic
Person B: But yes sometimes
Person A: You're not straight?
Person B: I never said I was
Person A: But you're not gay.
Person B: No I am not
Person B: Does not mean I do not fuck guys
Person A: Wait, seriously?
Person A: But you're always talking about all the girls you sleep with...
Person B: Yes. I like both
Person A: Oh.
Person A: I had no idea.
Person A: Are you, like... out?
Person B: I live in Russia
Person A: So... no?
Person B: No
Person A: What about hockey?
Person B: What about it?
Person A: Doesn't that complicate things?
Person B: Sucking dick does not mean I can not score more goals than everyone else
Person B: Clearly
Person A: Not everyone. :)
Person B: Give it few hours. I promised you 4 points tonight
Person A: Yeah, okay. You better work hard to keep that promise, then. Keep the draft interesting.
Person B: 😉
Thu, 26 Feb 8:01 AM
Person B: 3 goals + 2 assists
Person B: And black eye
Person A: Shit, really?
Person B: Yes
Person B: He did not like I made his girlfriend come 4 times 😔
Person A: I don't care about your black eye. You deserve that.
Person A: 5 pts in one game is insane!
Person B: Of course you only care about hockey and not me
Person B: Hockey will never suck your dick
Person A: But you will?
Person B: I do not make promise
Person B: You could be ugly
Person A: Lol.
Person A: Did you get can-opened again?
Person B: No I am too fast. He only managed the first time because I was playing bruised and did not expect him to have big enough balls to want to fight me
Person B: But he is like pylon
Person B: Scoring was almost too easy. No fun
Person A: You know what I've been thinking about?
Person A: I could probably figure out who you are by checking the stats.
Person A: I won't, obviously. But I was thinking about how I don't even know your name, but I know your age and where you live, and then I figured your stats are so good, you must be one of this year's top draft prospects, right?
Person B: Right
Person B: So why won't you?
Person A: I guess I like getting to talk to you like this.
Person A: And we probably know too much about each other by now.
Person A: Also, the draft is stressing me out enough as it is. I do not want to think about how I've shared all the details of my sex life with some guy I might be competing against in the race. Would make for pretty good chirping material.
Person B: You already know you are going to get drafted second
Person B: Why stress?
Person B: Your stats are good
Person A: I don't know. It's just a lot of pressure.
Person A: I can handle it, obviously, but it's still a lot.
Person A: My mom is already reaching out to potential sponsors.
Person A: And my stats are better than yours, so I don't know why you keep insisting I'll be 2nd pick.
Person B: You have been working towards this your whole life
Person B: Team managers and owners will jack off to you when they see you at Scouting Combine
Person B: You will do good job and NHL teams will be happy to have you
Person B: And you will finally get to play against me 🥳
Person A: Yes, finally my biggest dream will come true. Who gives a fuck about all the boring established players with Olympic gold medals and Stanley Cup wins currently in the league?
Person B: I think you will like me better because I will break record for most goals scored in rookie season and win Stanley Cup soon and look good doing it
Person B: And then I will have so much money
Person B: I will buy nice house and 30 cars
Person A: Stil a consumerist.
Person A: Hey, can I ask you something?
Person A: It's maybe a bit of a weird question. And personal.
Person B: Okay
Person A: So, Jessica, my girlfriend, bought a dildo.
Person A: And she asked me to use it on her.
Person A: Like, while I was also inside of her.
Person A: Just, like, the other hole.
Person B: I know you can say asshole
Person B: You say it to me all the time
Person A: Yeah, whatever.
Person A: But it didn't quite fit.
Person A: So, uh. How would I go about that?
Person B: You have lube, yes?
Person A: Yeah.
Person B: And you stretched her?
Person A: I guess. I mean it felt stretched.
Person A: For her.
Person A: At least that's what she said.
Person B: You should know. You fingered her, yes? How many fingers?
Person A: Two.
Person B: How long until you tried to put dildo inside?
Person A: Maybe around five minutes?
Person B: Takes longer than that sometimes
Person B: To relax
Person B: When you are alone, play with hole for a while. See what feels good. Then it will work
Person A: Do you bottom?
Person A: When you sleep with men?
Person B: No
Person A: But you've done, like, ass stuff?
Person B: Ass stuff
Person A: Forget it.
Person B: Don't be boring
Person B: Yes I have done ass stuff
Person B: Only with one guy though. A friend
Person B: I just don't bottom
Person A: And it feels good? With a man?
Person B: Yes
Person B: Is hot
Person B: Tighter but not as wet as girl
Person B: So you need to stretch a lot
Person A: Do you like it better than with a girl?
Person B: Equal I think
Person B: I am maybe a little more into women
Person B: Is easier
Person B: But fucking men is hot
Person A: It doesn't scare you?
Person B: Why should it?
Person B: I am not ashamed. I fuck hot guys. I fuck hot girls. Is fun
Person A: Yeah.
Person A: Okay, well, thanks for your help. I'll try again with Jessica.
Person B: 👍
Fri, 19 Mar 4:47 PM
Person B: Another training camp?
Mon, 27 Mar 1:11 AM
Person B: Did bear attack kill you?
Person B: I read that in Canada bears wake up around this time
Thu, 13 June 4:47 PM
Person A: You know surprisingly little about bears considering you have them in Russia as well.
Person B: So you are alive
Person A: I was busy.
Person B: 👍
Sat, 28 June 3:02 AM
Person A: Sorry. I really was busy.
Person B: Is late in Canada. Are you drunk texting me?
Person A: Maybe.
Person A: I have been going to the gym a lot.
Person B: I figured
Person B: You are hockey player, yes?
Person A: I was a bit dehydrated that day but I am 201 lbs now.
Person B: You look good
Person A: Thanks.
Sat, 28 June 3:29 AM
Person A: Aren't you going to send one back?
Person B: You want me to?
Person A: Sure, yeah. Why not? Always good to keep an eye on the competition.
Person B: I will send you photo if you can ask for it without being coward
Person A: Fuck you.
Person A: I'm not a coward.
Sat, 28 June 3:45 AM
Person A: Can you please send me a photo of yourself?
Person B: Was not so hard, was it?
Person A: Fuck.
Person A: Okay.
Person A: You're so big.
Person B: Even though I had McDonald's and 4 cigarettes today
Person A: Shut up. You're gonna turn me off.
Person B: Seeing me half naked turns you on?
Person B: Are you jerking off?
Person A: No.
Person B: Liar
Person A: I am not jerking off.
Person A: But I guess I did lie to you about something.
Person A: Nothing big, just...
Person A: It's my dildo.
Person B: I knew that
Person A: What? No, you didn't.
Person B: Yes I did
Person B: This might come as surprise but I did not believe the girl you have boring sex with would be into double penetration
Person B: But I am glad to know the ass stuff is working for you now
Person A: Whatever.
Person A: It really is working for me, though.
Person B: How big is your dildo?
Person A: I'm not telling you that.
Person B: You tell me you like dildo in your hole but not how big it is?
Person A: Okay, fine.
Person A: Like, six inches?
Person A: It feels so good.
Person B: Not as big as me then 😔
Person B: I am 9 😌
Person A: Fuck off! You're not.
Person B: I am
Person A: You're full of shit.
Person B: Is this your way of asking me to send you dick pic?
Person A: No.
Person A: This is my way of letting you know that you're probably making a mistake converting centimeters to inches.
Person B: I will show you one day
Person B: Can you take all 6 inches?
Person A: Yes.
Person B: Does it make you cum?
Person A: Yeah. So much.
Person A: It's never felt like this.
Person A: Sex, I mean. Like, in general.
Person B: No?
Person B: Then imagine what it would feel like to come on my cock
Person B: To actually get fucked
Person B: I promise is even better
Person A: I have.
Person A: I have imagined it.
Person A: I think about it all the time.
Person A: Fuck, this is really gay, isn't it?
Person B: Is not very straight
Person B: Hot though, yes?
Person A: Yes.
Person A: So fucking hot.
Person A: And confusing.
Person B: Confusing?
Person A: Yeah, like... I'm a man.
Person A: I guess I shouldn't be into this kinda thing.
Person A: Right?
Person A: I mean, it's definitely weird.
Person B: Who cares what you are into?
Person B: You are man who likes dick in his ass
Person B: Does not make your own dick go away
Person B: Does not make you score any less goals
Person B: Does not mean anything but that you like dick in your ass
Person B: So. Still man
Person B: Is your body and you can do whatever you want with it
Person A: Yeah. I guess.
Person A: Thank you.
Person A: I think I wanna know your name.
Person B: I will tell you in December
Person B: After you are done sucking my dick
Person A: Lol. Yeah, okay.
Person B: Okay?
Person A: I want to, I think.
Person A: Is it really that big?
Person B: What do you think?
Person A: It must be.
Person A: Unless this has all been an act.
Person B: No. Is that big
Person B: I can send you photo
Person A: Or we could FaceTime.
Person A: No faces, of course. And mute. But, like, get off together.
Person B: I would like that but I think no
Person B: The first time I see you, I want to be real
Person B: I want to look into your eyes and see you want me
Person A: Okay. I get that.
Person A: That does sound better.
Person A: I can't stop looking at your photo.
Person B: I am same with yours
Person B: Now that I am thinking about it, it is unfair you started getting off without me
Person B: You should stop and wait for me to catch up
Person A: I can't.
Person B: Can't or don't want to?
Person A: Can't. Not anymore. I am, uh, done.
Person B: You came already?
Person A: I've been going at it for like an hour!
Person A: Not like I came in 4 minutes.
Person B: You have been fucking yourself with your dildo for an hour thinking about me?
Person A: Obviously not. I am not setting myself up for disappointment.
Person A: I've been switching between jerking off and fucking myself.
Person B: What do you mean setting yourself up for disappointment?
Person B: You do not think I could fuck you for an hour?
Person A: Not for a full hour, no.
Person B: Okay
Person B: Just for this I will fuck you for two
Person B: And make you come every 20 minutes
Person A: We'll see.
Person B: Yeah we will
Sun, 30 June 7:31 PM
Person A: Are you still sleeping with your brother's girlfriend?
Person B: They broke up so no
Person B: Is boring now
Person B: How are things with your girlfriend?
Person A: Lol. You really are an asshole.
Person A: They're okay. Same old. I'm mostly focused on hockey right now honestly, and she's not that into hockey so we don't hear from each other all the time.
Person B: Am I asshole to you?
Person A: Kinda. Not really.
Person A: I mean, yeah, sometimes, but you're also nice.
Person B: Yes
Person B: Only because you sent me half nude and I like your body
Person A: So you're superficial.
Person B: Obviously
Person B: Did you think I liked your boring personality?
Person A: Of course not.
Person A: Which is why you haven't texted me at all, ever, until I sent you said photo.
Person B: 😘
Wed, 13 June 1:44 PM
Person A: Wow. Thought you only ate disgusting junk food.
Person B: You have seen what I look like. I eat good food most of the time
Person A: I mean, this is still a lot of carbs and not a lot of protein.
Person B: Carbs = energy
Person B: Maybe I should feed you white bread before we fuck in December so you can keep up with me
Person A: Fuck off. You smoke. I'll have no problem at all keeping up with you.
Person A: You're up early.
Person B: I am heading to away game
Person B: How many goals should I score?
Person A: Lol. To keep me interested? At least two.
Person B: Would it turn you off if I stopped playing hockey?
Person A: Yes.
Person B: Okay. You have permission to think of my stats when you fuck your girlfriend
Person A: Fuck off. That's ridiculous.
Person B: Why? Maybe then you will actually have good time for once
Person A: Shut up.
Person A: But...
Person A: I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to make fun of me for it.
Person B: I can not promise that. Tell me anyway
Person A: Asshole.
Person A: Okay, well. I may have thought about you once or twice. During sex.
Person A: Not your stats, obviously. But, like, you. And your body.
Person B: Not a good secret
Person B: I already knew you think I am hot
Person A: I don't.
Person A: Okay, no, sorry, that was instinctual. I do think you're hot. Obviously.
Person A: You're also an asshole, though.
Person B: I do not believe you think that is a turn off
Person A: Whatever.
Person A: Hey, what's your favourite NHL team?
Person B: No come on I liked our previous topic
Person B: Go on and tell me what else you think about when you are with a girl
Person A: No, fuck you. I'm not in the mood anymore.
Person B: That is not very polite Canadian boy of you
Person A: Just answer the question.
Person B: I like Colorado and Tampa
Person B: But I would not want to play in fucking Denver
Person B: I guess Edmonton is good too even if it is Canada
Person B: I will probably get drafted by some loser team though if I am going to be first pick
Person B: What team do you want to draft you?
Person A: Yeah, right.
Person A: I don't know. Maybe Montreal. My mom's a huge fan.
Person B: So that is where you want to go?
Person B: Team that has not made the playoffs in like 5 seasons just because your mother likes them?
Person A: Would that be so bad?
Person A: My parents have been driving me to practices and games ever since I can remember so yeah, I wouldn't mind giving her another reason to cheer for her favorite team, you know?
Person B: The Metros suck ass
Person A: I hope you get drafted by fucking Buffalo.
Person B: Snarky
Person B: Must be the lack of carbs
Person A: Or you're just getting on my nerves.
Person B: Then stop texting me
Wed, 13 June 4:13 PM
Person B: 🖕
Sun, 17 June 8:58 PM
Person A: Scored 3 goals and made 2 assists tonight.
Person B: It will not be as easy in the NHL with me there
Person B: Who did you play against?
Person A: The Ice Tigers.
Person A: I can't wait to play against you.
Person A: Hat tricks are barely even exciting anymore.
Person B: Cocky
Person B: You will regret saying this when I win my 7th Art Ross
Person A: Lol, sure.
Person A: Do I need to remind you of the fact you have literally never been ahead of me in points?
Person B: Because you play teams called Ice Tigers
Person B: Anyone would win against those
Person A: I can't lie, they are hosers.
Person B: You are hot when you are like this
Person A: Like what? High off an easy win?
Person B: Arrogant
Person B: Self-assured
Person B: Makes me hard
Person A: Can't help you with that.
Person A: I'm still on the bus on my way home.
Person B: It was an away game?
Person B: You humiliated them on their own ice?
Person A: Yes.
Person B: Okay
Person B: Talk later
Person A: You're losing all your rights to call me obsessed with hockey ever again if you're going to jerk off now.
Person B: There is no way anyone on this planet is more obsessed with hockey than you
Person B: I am going to jerk off now though
Tue, 9 August 7:51 PM
Person A: Remember when I told you about this other player who's, like, really good? I can't stop watching his tapes.
Person B: Are you getting off to someone other than me?
Person B: You are breaking my heart
Person A: Are you ever serious?
Person B: Not if I can help it
Person A: Well, good for you. I am stressed.
Person B: Relax
Person B: You know you're good
Person B: And drafts are about playing styles too. You don't fit every team. You know this
Person A: I know. I wouldn't be good in, like, fucking Boston, for example.
Person B: Maybe not but managers know what they are doing so you will play for team that is good fit
Person B: And then you will be good enough they build team around you
Person B: And then sadly for you you will still lose to my team every time
Person A: No, I fucking won't.
Person A: Aren't you nervous about the draft at all?
Person B: I just want to get out of Russia
Person B: But I know I will be good in NHL
Person B: People will love me
Person B: I am hot and funny and not stupid like 90% of players
Person A: Really?
Person A: What would you be doing if you weren't going pro?
Person B: Kill myself
Person B: I have no other talents
Person B: Maybe I could be prostitute but I guess that does not pay well in Moscow if even my brother can afford them
Person A: I'm sure that's not true.
Person A: Your brother hires prostitutes?
Person B: No, is true
Person B: But maybe my father would have made me police like my brother
Person B: Yes
Person B: What would you do if not hockey?
Person A: Your brother's a cop who pays to have sex with women?
Person B: Yes
Person B: Is Moscow. Lots of things to do
Person A: What does that mean?
Person B: Means is big city so you can do a lot of things without anyone seeing you
Person B: Is nice because is how I get to suck dick and fuck men
Person A: Have you ever done drugs?
Person B: Not as many as my brother but yes
Person B: I have friend who likes getting high so sometimes I join
Person B: But not much and not for a while
Person B: I will be pro athlete after all
Person B: And I have you to beat
Person A: That is so fucking stupid.
Person B: Is not like I did heroin
Person A: You shouldn't even be fucking smoking pot if you're gonna go pro.
Person A: Do your parents know?
Person B: I am 18, not child
Person B: And parents do not care
Person B: Also I remember you asking me to teach you how to roll a joint
Person A: Yeah, well, it's not like I was going to smoke that joint. I'm gonna go pro. None of the guys who smoked weed that night had any plans to go pro or were good enough to do it. They're not like you and me — they don't have the kind of talent that means their names are gonna be remembered, so don't fucking do drugs.
Person B: Засранец
Person B: You are so cocky sometimes
Person B: Makes me hard so fast
Person A: Tell me how many goals you scored last time you played and maybe I'll get hard, too.
Person B: A hat trick but you said you found those were boring now
Person A: No, you're good. They're only boring when I score them because I know I can score them all the time. Still exciting when it's you, though, considering you're so far behind me in the race.
Person B: I would tell you how many points I have now but I think we are too close to draft, yes?
Person B: I do not want you to lose all your confidence
Person A: God, just a few more months.
Person A: I think I might be almost as nervous to see you as I am about the draft.
Person B: You do not know who I am
Person B: You do not owe me anything
Person A: No, I know. But I want to know who you are.
Person A: And maybe also do stuff. With you.
Person B: Oh my god, you are so bad at sexting
Person A: I wasn't trying to sext!
Person B: "Do stuff"
Person A: Fuck off.
Person A: You know what I mean.
Person B: Are you going to break up with your girlfriend until then?
Person A: What? I don't know. I haven't thought about it.
Person A: I mean, I'm not gonna cheat.
Person B: I do not care if you are
Person B: I was just asking
Person A: Well, you're right.
Person A: I suppose I should break up with her...
Person A: To be honest, I forget I have a girlfriend sometimes.
Person B: Could be the awful sex
Person A: Yeah, that hasn't really changed all that much.
Person B: I figured
Person A: What does that mean?
Person B: Nothing
Person B: You just do not seem very interested in her
Person A: Jessica is great. Seriously. She's so nice and funny.
Person B: So is my neighbor but I do not want to fuck her
Person A: Okay, well, I've got to go. Hockey game. Talk soon.
Sat, 14 August16:11 PM
Person B: Are you happy with what I am eating today?
Person A: Is that a fucking waffle?
Person B: Yes but with bacon and egg
Person A: Still a waffle. You could've ordered bacon and egg on an avocado instead, or at least a slice of bread.
Person B: I could have also ordered what Sasha got
Person A: You mean diabetes?
Person B: Злюка
Person A: Who's Sasha?
Person B: A friend
Person B: He owns the Porsche you think is ugly
Person A: So his bad taste isn't limited to just cars.
Person B: I think if you met you would hate him
Person A: Why? Is he also the friend that likes getting high?
Person B: You remember that?
Person A: Why wouldn't I?
Person B: No reason
Person B: But yes
Person B: And he hates hockey
Person B: He is also one of the two friends I fuck sometimes
Person A: Oh, okay.
Person A: So are you, like, on a date right now?
Person B: A date?
Person B: Why would I go on a date with Sasha?
Person B: We went out last night and left the club an hour ago and were hungry so Sasha suggested getting breakfast
Person A: But it's like 8 a.m. in Moscow.
Person B: Yes Moscow has real clubs that do not close at 2 o'clock
Person A: Right.
Person A: And did you have a good time last night?
Person B: You can just ask me if I did any drugs
Person B: The answer is no
Person B: I am not so stupid to risk draft
Person A: Good. I want to play against you this year.
Person A: Can you believe we'll actually get to meet in a few months?
Person B: No. Feels like dream
Person B: Just because still feels unreal of course
Person B: Not because I have been dreaming about meeting you
Person A: Yeah, no, I know.
Person A: It doesn't feel real to me yet either.
Person A: I keep imagining what your voice might sound like.
Person B: Like Bond villain
Person A: Bullshit.
Person A: I like accents.
Person A: My grandma used to have one. I guess so did my grandpa, but he died when I was a baby, so I never got to meet him.
Person B: What accent?
Person A: If I tell you, I think you'll figure out who I am.
Person A: But my mom still has voice recordings on her phone and it's nice listening to them.
Person B: Yes
Person B: Makes you feel closer to people who are no longer around when you can still hear their voices
Person A: Do you have anything like that for any of your late relatives?
Person B: No my father is not very sentimental
Person B: He throws away whatever is no longer of use to him
Person A: I'm sorry.
Person A: Shit. I don't know how we got here. Weren't we talking about waffles?
Person B: Is okay
Person B: You were not "talking" about waffles anyway but once again judging me for my eating habits
Person A: You're gonna be a pro athlete!
Person A: You should eat like one.
Person B: I look like one. Is that not enough?
Person A: You're looking like one now because you're young. Wait till you're 35 and your metabolism slows down.
Person B: I will still have my face when I am old
Person B: Is good face. You will find out soon
Person A: Lol. All right. Have fun on your date.
Person B: 😘
Fri, 2 September19:33 PM
Person B: Scored 2 goals last night
Person A: Not bad. I scored 3 and got an assist. Looks like you're still lagging behind.
Person B: I will break record for most goals scored in NHL rookie season and make up for it
Person A: We'll see. :)
Tue, 22 September10:03 PM
Person A: Still not speaking Russian. What's that mean?
Person B: Does not really matter
Person B: What are you doing right now?
Person A: Having breakfast.
Person B: You are fucking with me
Person A: ?
Person B: No one has fucking chicken for breakfast
Person A: If you look closely you'll find that chicken's not all that's on my plate.
Person B: That is insane
Person B: I can not believe you judge me for eating waffles when you have dinner food for breakfast
Person A: Better than a morning cigarette.
Person B: You do not know if I smoke in the morning
Person A: Oh, do you not?
Person A: I had no idea nicotine addictions stuck to certain hours of the day.
Person B: I am not addicted
Person B: I could stop smoking at any time
Person A: Sure.
Person A: It's just much more fun paying an absurd amount of money for something that might give you lung cancer, rot your teeth and cause erectile dysfunction.
Person B: I will stop when I am NHL player
Person A: You better, otherwise I'll have a pretty easy time winning every Cup and every award.
Person B: Are you lashing out because I made fun of your insane breakfast?
Person A: It's a normal breakfast.
Person A: At least I don't eat like a five year old.
Person B: Sasha had ice cream for breakfast. Not me
Person A: Whatever. Heading to practice now.
Tue, 31 October6:36 PM
Person A: Happy Halloween!
Person A: Is that a thing in Russia?
Person B: It is not an official holiday, just a reason to have a party and dress like slutty pumpkin
Person A: So I guess you like Halloween?
Person A: Lots of pretty girls in very little clothing.
Person B: I do not need stupid American holiday to see pretty girls naked
Person B: Are you going out tonight?
Person A: It really is stupid, huh?
Person A: Yes, I kinda have to. My team's going.
Person B: What will you wear?
Person B: Dinosaur costume?
Person A: Lol. Nothing scarier than a player who hasn't won a single Stanley Cup.
Person A: You and I will probably have won multiple Cups by the time Hunter gets his first.
Person A: Also I'm not wearing a fucking Admirals jersey in Canada. They'd ban me from every rink across the country.
Person B: You are so fucking hot sometimes
Person A: Only sometimes?
Person A: And regarding the costume: I don't know. I thought I could get out of going out tonight but I can't, and now I'm unprepared. Sucks.
Person A: I thought I could wear this cape I have and just dress up as Legolas.
Person B: Yes, only sometimes
Person B: Sometimes you are cocky and so horny you stop being good, friendly Canadian and my dick gets hard
Person B: And sometimes you talk about owning Lord Of The Rings merch
Person A: I don't own LotR merch!
Person A: It's just a cape that looks like the one Legolas wears.
Person B: Okay, so go to Halloween party dressed like dwarf
Person B: Maybe make the rest of your team wear same outfits so you all look especially cool
Person A: Actually, Legolas is an Elf, which is important because they're enemies of the Dwarves.
Person A: Also, leave me alone.
Person A: I had a LotR phase, okay?
Person A: They're good books, and good movies.
Person A: And I thought Legolas was cool.
Person B: Yes, I am sure you did
Person B: Please do not send me photo of your outfit tonight
Person B: I think I will want to kill myself if it turns out you can actually pull it off and I still want to suck your dick
Person A: Don't worry. I'm definitely not gonna send you a photo after you just made fun of my taste in fantasy novels.
Person B: Have fun tonight
Person B: And do not cheat on Jessica with all the girls that will want to fuck you in your nerd costume
Person A: 🖕
Tue, 31 October1:44 AM
Person A: Five.
Person B: Five what?
Person A: Five girls I could've gone home with tonight.
Person A: I didn't, obviously. I have a girlfriend and unlike some people, I find cheating repulsive.
Person A: Just thought you might like to know.
Person B: What do you look like?
Person A: I'm not telling you.
Person B: You do not have to go into detail
Person B: What is your hair color?
Person A: Black.
Person B: Eyes?
Person A: Brown.
Person B: How tall are you?
Person A: Tall, but not, like, super tall. I'm not giving you my exact height.
Person B: So you are hot
Person B: You must be if there were girls willing to fuck you despite your costume
Person B: What did the girls look like? Were they hot?
Person A: I guess.
Person A: I mean, yeah, probably.
Person A: My teammates thought so.
Person A: And I don't know about me being hot. I think I'm just a hockey player and some girls like that.
Person B: You said Jessica does not care about hockey and she has not stopped fucking you even though you have boring sex
Person B: You are hot
Person A: I mean, I'm not ugly but I'm definitely not, like, "sexy."
Person A: That sounds so fucking stupid, sorry.
Person A: But... remember this other hockey player I told you about?
Person A: The one everyone keeps comparing me to?
Person A: He's so jacked, kinda like you, and he does have a good face. Like, all angular and masculine. I can't even really grow a beard.
Person A: And — and this is also going to sound stupid — sometimes opposing players call me "pretty boy", which is so fucking annoying.
Person B: I am confused. You sent me shirtless photo of you and you had 8 pack
Person B: You say there were five different girls who all came on to you tonight and other players make fun of you for being too pretty...?
Person B: You must know you are attractive, yes?
Person A: Sorry. I didn't mean for this to turn into a fishing-for-compliments kinda thing. I know I'm not ugly. I just sometimes wish I was more like... everyone else, I guess.
Person B: Ah
Person B: I see
Person B: Look, you are pretty boy who plays very physical sport that will take you all the way to NHL and goes cross country skiing and has quick tongue and very good body and face that girls like and less attractive guys without even an ounce of talent you have make fun of
Person B: And you are captain of your team and top goal scorer in LHJMQ
Person B: Other guys are jealous they are not as good as you
Person A: God, sorry. I really didn't mean for you to feel like you have to reassure me or whatever.
Person A: But thank you. That was unexpectedly sweet.
Person B: I would not say things like that if I did not mean them or want to say them
Person B: If you ever feel like you need more reassurance, just send me another shirtless photo and I will tell you once again how hot and masculine and pretty you are and how hard you make my dick
Person A: Lol. Shut up.
Thu, 14 November12:51 AM
Person A: Two weeks.
Person A: I can't wait.
Person B: You will not be so happy when I score hat trick against you and your team
Person B: What is your goalie's phone number? I will apologize in advance
Person A: You fucking wish.
Wed, 28 November11:11 PM
Person A: See you in 4 days.
Person A: Bring tissues.
Person B: 👌 👈 💦?
Person A: For your tears, asshole.
Person B: 😘
Fri, 20 December3:19 PM
Person A: Literally every one on your team is tall...
Person B: And sexy?
Person A: I'm not answering that.
Person B: Are you getting shy now?
Person A: No, fuck you.
Person A: It's just weird, isn't it?
Person A: Knowing we're staying at the same hotel, playing on the same ice...
Person A: And I still don't know who you are.
Person B: I do not know who you are either
Person B: But yes, is weird
Person B: And I am maybe also a little stressed
Person A: Yeah, it's a lot of pressure being here and playing for your country.
Person A: But fun.
Person A: Looks like we've both made it to the final.
Person B: Obviously. I was not going to lose to Finland
Person B: Your team is playing well. Will be fun to win against you
Person A: No chance.
Person A: Well, my parents want to go back to the hotel now so I'll text you later.
Person B: Okay
Person B: I will go smoke now
Person B: Do not snitch on me
Fri, 20 December4:01 AM
Person A: All right, Rozanov, here's how this is going to go: we're never ever gonna talk about any of this ever again, we're not using any piece of information as chirping material, and we're not talking to anyone else about any of these messages, ever. Okay?
Person B: 👍
Person B: Good luck in final
Person A: Thanks. You, too.