Work Text:
Tuesday, April 5th
Dear Diary;
___________
You know,
I've always been the weird girl.
The odd one out, the one no other kids wanted to do projects with. I was that edgy girl in 7th grade that had a little too much fascination with dissecting the frogs, pfft.
Not exactly in a cruel way, infact there were times where i internally cringed or cried when i got home despite the reptile already being dead. No. It was my curiosity, honestly. They say curiosity killed the cat, and hell. I dont think theres a phrase that describes me any better than that.
It started so small, with the frog stuff. Then progressively into fandoms and anime. I loved researching creepypasta, i loved reading the stories and staying up all night begging Edward to let me sleep in his room out of fear. I was never interested in them per say.. But my curiosity.
Id hear people online or at school talking about it, and i just couldnt bare not knowing.
I guess thats what ended up ruining me in the end, maybe i couldve gotten a physiatrist or something, but they’d just blame my adhd for my “hyper-curiousity”.
Its a normal thing, though. Just as any kid goes through phases, as did i. Its normal for teenagers to go through their edgy phases, but.
Im nineteen now, and im worried i wont be able to stop myself again.
You see,
There was a murder, it was like three streets away from the library I work at. I don't do much there, just sorting out returned books and organizing the latest shipments, helping customers find the specifics, all that gist.
It wasnt like i immediately knew, i dont really watch the news and mom isn't ever home to inform us of anything we should be worried about. At first, it was a conversation i overheard two elderly women talking about as i sorted through ‘Robin Hobb’s’ books. An older woman near the history section just across from me with who’d i believe (?) to be her friend. There was that subtle, eager horror that you hear whenever someone talks about a famous serial killer or something horrific happening.
That same, bitter curiosity.
“..he was absolutely butchered..” she whispered, scandalously.
My hands paused briefly over a copy of ‘Fool’s Errand’.
“Oh.. My heavens. Police said there was blood.. Everywhere!”
I continued shelving books, deciding not to feed into myself, deciding not to run over and ask a thousand questions to feed my curiosity. Well. I tried. The novel remained in my hand a little longer than it shouldve, as if i was contemplating taking it home for myself. (thats what i told my coworker, lolz).
Butchered?
Like, how badly though?
Was she just being dramatic, like usual old people?
The womans friend, who was now apparently named ‘iera’ made this horrified noise, a gasp as if she had seen it herself. Yet she still seemed so fascinated.
“Do you think it had something to do with a gang?”
“No no, According to the police, they think..” Her voice lowered, trying to keep it down. “..Maybe a serial killer..?”
And of course, the gasp in response came shortly after that. I decided to plug my earbuds in after that, listening in will just set me far behind and i cant afford to get too absorbed in some nonsense that was probably nothing. Right.
But fuck dude, i couldnt just ignore the burning curiosity twisting in my stomach.
Though, i guess ive always been like that lol.
I finished shelving the books into the fantasy section with maybe a little too much force before continuing down the next isle. The library always remained the same, that warm lighting and quiet typing. Maybe a sneeze or two, a child crying because hes being forced to read goodnight moon.
It felt strange that the world was so.. ordinary. As if my story was just.. So bland. You dont understand how badly i wanted to be in something more, something more meaningful and exciting, something that.. Cured my curiosity.. Or perhaps fueled it.
By the time my shift finally ended, it was raining outside. Thanks god. I didnt bring my umbrella, Edward called dibs on it this morning and im too fucking broke to afford a car so i guess i was just left to walk home or beg for a ride like a poor prostitute. My wet bangs cling to my forehead as i walked home, crossbody bag getting soaked as my turtleneck kept me warm. I totally didnt snag a few books to take home.. As if i dont have enough already.
When i stepped to the door, it was unlocked, as expected. My brother, Edward, was slouched upside down on our couch, legs dangling over the edge as he played 3D world on his switch.
I walked past him, settling my wet bag and books on the counter and grabbing a towel to clean myself off.
“Why’re you wet, Edwyn?” he teased.
“Bitch please, you stole the umbrella.” I nagged, rubbing my hair and face with the kitchen towel. I heard his quiet snickers from behind the couch as he did a blj or whatever the fuck you do in mario. (Baby daniel; uhm.. Mommy.. It ish mawio sexte fouw… dat you dew dat..)
“So good and bad news” I heard him start.
“I got fired from the pet store.”
I turn towards him, internally deciding whether to bully him or express genuine concern. How the fuck do you even get fired from a petco? Are you sneaking home lizards or some shit?
“I wont even question how you managed to do that.” I sighed to him.
“They feared my utter potential.. Heh.. BUT! I have another job lined up at this burger joint, some family owned shit i dunno.” He said.
I snorted quietly whilst kicking my shoes by the door and disappearing into my room, leaving his conversation on read.
My brother was cool, i guess. Hes basically the only person i talk to anyway. Its not like i have friends, and ive already mentioned that mom is never fucking home. I dont know my dad so, Edwards all i got. Unfortunately, lol. Hes annoying as any brother is, but i guess he helps me when i need it. The only person i can really vent to without feeling like peeling my skin off in discomfort.
My room, my comfort place.
It looks significantly different than i do when i work tbh.
Of course i cant wear what i like to wear in a goddamn library, id be ‘distracting customers.’ plus, im way too introverted to be stared at like that,, so i try to keep it to myself at home.
Everyone probably thinks im like, hella plain though, lolz. I dont think anyone would expect me to look like a scene ass myspace girl from 2008 on my off days, but thats just how it is.
Band posters, ripped off pages of my sketchbooks and tapestries frame my walls. Cute little neon plastic stars on the ceiling and LED stripes framing my bed. My cute little cubby.
With a quick change of clothes, i sat down at my desk and stared blankly at my computer.
Do i?
Am i really gonna revert back to my old ways?
Havent i changed in the past few years? Im almost twenty years old,, i shouldnt be doing such childish things…….
……….
..
Ugh, one fucking article and im done.
I click on the search bar and type in;
‘Body found butchered in (area)’
There was only a few short articles that seemed frustratingly vague. Police investigating a crime scene, body found mutilated, yada yada yada.
Male victim, 24, found dead behind a pharmacy.
There really wasnt much to go off of.
Kind of boring, the women at the library made it seem far more interesting than it actually was.
“Hm”
I lean back in my chair, sorta frustrated that i relapsed over something so stupid. Doesn't shit like this happen like, all the damn time? Is it really more special just because the guy was a little more cut up? Cmon now.
I groaned a little, closing my computer.
-
But, it was special.
Because just two weeks later, another body was found.
Thats crazy, right?
Yeah. Usually if theres some big spooky murder in your town, everyone freaks out for a bit, maybe gets attention on social media if it's that special but things move on. Its not often that you get another one back to back, THATS what makes it scary.
Killing one person makes you a murderer, not a serial killer. People love to use those terms online and on the news. Its so common for there to be murders in cities, on the news or on some sketchy websites online.
But a serial killer? Havent heard of one of those since the 90’s. How unlucky do you have to be to wind up in the same city as one of them?
And of course, everyone recognized that. It was like after the second body was found, the air shifted in the city. Things started feeling different. Yeah sure, maybe there was people who didnt hear about the first killing initially, but there wasnt a single person who wasnt informed now.
It was subtle things. Not drastic, yet.
People would linger around the newspaper section of the library a little bit longer than usual, a hand cuffed to their mouth. Customers would whisper more, Parents would be keeping their children just a little bit closer.
Hell, a few of my coworkers started locking the back staff door “just incase”.
I liked to listen to everything, it was sorta surreal. I didnt know much except the little information I read in the newspaper we got at work.
Apparently, the second body was found inside of a parking garage, butchered once again.
How strange, maybe the killer was robbing the victims? That’d make more sense for them to be in a parking garage or something. I dunno, it wasnt really my business..
Though, despite me dying to keep my curiosity in check, it was like the world around me was sending me information about it all, through whispers or news broadcasts on the radio.
Unfortunately, my coworker ended up telling me something that i didnt need to know.
Sandy.
It was the name the police decided to call this “Serial killer” Until they were found.
I hated it immediately.
It sounded so stupid, as if nobody was actually taking things seriously.
It was soft, like a puppies name or a cartoon character. Like somebody's aunt.
Why couldnt they pick something more spooky?
It was unsettling how such a normal name was linked to the crimes that have been committed lately.
-
It didnt become an obsession immediately. Infact, as time went on, i was utterly horrified at the thought of a serial killer lurking in my town. I was paranoid and nervous, fidgety everytime id hear something about it at work or through my brother.
But I guess thats the semi-normal part of it all. Maybe thats the most important part.
Why was i so curious about something that horrified me? It was just self sabotage at that point. It was like staying up and listening to true crime podcasts at sleepovers and staying up all night because youre too scared the ‘new zealand kid tickler’ is gonna summon in your closet. Its idiotic.
But, since i was the weird girl i am.
Id come home from work and read the newest articles for maybe an hour? Browse forums sometimes, maybe watch a news broadcasts or two about the situation while slurping cup noodles. Id tell myself it was just to keep myself informed since it was happening so close to me.
It was just normal curiosity. Thats all.
But, i started bookmarking articles i liked. Sometimes id just star them for funzies, or to look back at later on, sometimes id screenshot things for no reason in particular.
There was theories and people talking about it online, and me being the chronically online girl i am, of course i engaged. I was just interested in their thoughts. Thats all.
Nobody would notice anything.
I was still quiet, id still avoid eye contact and apologize to people for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, i found myself reading silly murder discussions online at work while trying to pretend i was actually doing something useful.
I wasnt interested in the killer or bodies, thats weird. It was just the discussions. They were funny sometimes.
Though, i got caught. One day my manager pulled me aside and asked if i was okay, talking about how ive just been standing around and spacing out, checking my phone a little more than actually working. It was so embarrassing, having someone notice my stupid behaviors.
-
I guess my brother was the first one to notice it, though. Its only natural afterall. Maybe its because hes constantly around me, he knows me best.
I didnt mean to get so absorbed into it, it just happened subconsciously. At first i just wanted to talk with people about it, next thing i know im becoming the biggest fucking nerd about a serial killer. Im no better than those jeff the killer fangirls from 2016. Except i dont like the killer.. Im just interested i guess.
Within the next few months, i cant begin to tell you how many bodies were even found. So much evidence, so many names, so many ruined faces. It was shocking how far behind the police were on this case, despite reassuring the public that they “Have their best men on the case”.
It was mostly men that were found, bodies tortured and mutilated to the point of unidentification. So many families torn, so many people scared shitless coming home from work, so many angry mothers wanting justice on their baby boys death.
It was..
I dont wanna say it, but it's fascinating. I felt as though i was in a horror novel.. I felt special for once, like something interesting was finally happening to my bland life. I hated how i saw things like that, I genuinely disgusted myself at first. I felt like such a gross little internet girl idolizing ted bundy or some weird shit.
Then there was the fucking CCTV feeds, thats what really started it.
At the time, they were the biggest pieces of evidence yet. The stupid fucking secutiy [69 - jackie just typed that] cameras. At first it was just a clip of the killer leaving the scene, cleaning up, or just in the area getting ready to strike.
They werent tall, but not short either. I guess you can say that about most people. Of course though. They had a stupid mask.
A stupid, stupid mask.
A mask that i hated how much i liked.
It was just a white mask, two blacked out eyeholes and a stupid =) drawn in red. A smiley face. The big tough killer in my city would kill with a stupid smiley face on their mask.
I hated how cute it seemed in my head.
Id watch it over and over, huffing and puffing at how ‘idiotic’ i thought it was. Reading through forums, posting my opinions on things.. But..
Of course, if someone says something wrong, why wouldnt i correct them..?
For instance.. Someone was talking about how ‘scary it would be to be stabbed to death with a kitchen knife, lol’
..
Of course, i could inform them it wasnt an ordinary kitchen knife. They usually used a buck 120, or sometimes a bowie.
Definitely different from a regular plain kitchen knife! It wasnt wrong of me to try to inform others of their errors, right?
OR.. when someone posted about how aggressive the killer seemed..
In my opinion, they didnt seem that aggressive. In the CCTV footage that was leaked to the public, the ones I have stared on my desktop, Sandy’s body language actually suggested they were more relaxed and calm during the murders, not so much of an aggressive, maniac killer. They seemed more.. Calculated.. More controlled and intimidating..
It wasnt wrong of me to correct them too.. Right?
Of course, after the first handful of corrections, people started looking at me like i was some fucking weirdo. I hated it, im not weird.. I just.. I dont want misinformation being spread, thats all.
They started calling me things like a ‘fangirl’. At first, i fucking hated it. To actually put me in the same category as those girls that simp for jeffery dahmer? Are you kidding me? But gradually as time went on..
Is it so wrong that I grew accustomed to that cute little smiley face..?
I mean.. Cmon, who wouldnt with a cute name like ‘sandy’!
I started to become such a nerd about this killer, it sorta became my hyperfixation.. And god, Edward noticed it.
It was so embarrassing the first time he caught me doodling sandy in my sketchbook..
He’d barge in my room sometimes to raid my snacks or just to bother me, and coincidentally I'd be reading on sandy stuff. It wasnt like i do it all the time..! He just.. Has bad timing.. Right.
“Edwyn?”
I jumped, immediately closing the tab.
“..what?”
“You good, girl?” He asked, nervously chuckling at the last part.
I could tell he was worried about me, and it was sweet. Who wouldnt? But i also knew he wouldnt judge me. Hes a good guy afterall.
“You’ve been looking into that stuff like, everyday now..” He says, sitting beside me.
“I guess she’s just interesting? I dunno.” I brush it off.
..
“She?” he asked, eyebrow raised. “How do you know that?”
Welp.
“Its a woman..” I say, surely.
With all the studying and researching ive done about sandy, fuck, theres no way it isnt! Hehe.. im almost positive its a girl.. Lucky day to be a lesbian huh..? Im kidding. Im kidding..
“How are you so sure?” He questions me.
“I guess her movements? They match more better with a woman, the way they walk and stuff.” i respond to him with.
It was vague, sure, but im not gonna ramble to my brother about the hundreds of reasons why i think our towns serial killer is a hot woman.
Edward, he recoiled everytime it was brought up, as if he was already being chased down..
But god,
Uhsfgjagef
I hated it
I hate how much i love this
Im such a loser.
=)
I started doodling it more though, as anyone does when they have a favorite character. Just the mask at first, then the entire body and cute little expressions.. Sometimes with a knife or a silly pose.. You know, the usual.
Little notebook rambles, newspapers i yoinked from work, hundreds of screenshots saved on my computer..
I started knowing way more details about it than literally anybody else did.
The victim timelines, her favorite knives, estimated height and age, injury patterns.
And god, i argued constantly with people online. Worst part? I was literally always right. Edward started teasing me that i should join the detectives or something.. Pfft. I probably wouldnt get hired considering ive now gotten pages of my sketchbook dedicated to her..
-
The videos started.
Not any CCTV security footage, no four second clips of sandy leaving the crime scene, no. Gore videos. It was rumors at first, just people whispering things to scare the public even more. Some forum posts, some weird links on reddit, the usual tryhard spooky shit.
But it got more and more popular, people ranting online about wishing they never clicked on certain links, people describing some of them in full detail, gorelords gushing over it like its nothing, it got to the point where you cant just think its a rumor.
I told myself no, that was too far. I saw a shitty cartel video a few years back and i promised myself that id never let my curiosity get that bad ever again. That stupid shit is traumatizing, i couldnt get that mans face out of my mind for months..
I dont like that stuff, i cant even handle terrifier.. Theres a difference between fascination and.. Whatever the fuck those weirdos are on.
Right?
That shit is wrong, nobody deserves to have their death posted for the world to laugh and gawk at.. Thats nothing to joke about.. Thats nothing to watch just because.. Youre curious..
But id read the descriptions..
Some user wrote about one of the first few videos. It was one of the male victims, one of the early on murders before this whole craze even started.
Apparently, it started off with a blurry camera, nothing focusing, all thats visible is noises for the first ten seconds, but once the camera focuses on the man on the floor, its supposed to be him being tortured or something? Face beaten, chest open with blood pouring out as he struggles to breath, eyes completely beaten in.
Lots of people said that even the audio was enough to keep them up at night,, the gurgling and gagging from trying to breathe but choking on his own blood, puking and groaning..
Id read them from time to time, just to feed my curiosity without actually traumatizing myself. I didnt wanna get that far into it.. It seemed like swimming to the deep end of a pool without actually knowing how to swim..
It was wrong. Those are victims..
But.. Its not my fault if i get flashed a blurry screenshot or two..
God, the first time i saw a short clip of the skinning video, i threw up my dinner so fucking fast.
I felt nauseous, like actually disgusted. I stumbled into the bathroom and puked into the toilet. Afterwards, i just fucking sat there and comtemplated life.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would i click on something like that? My hands wouldnt stop shaking. I had never seen anything so fucking disgusting and just, cruel. Edward comforted me, but i was sick to my fucking stomach for like a week. I couldnt sleep, i hated eating, i..
I couldnt get that faceless man out of my mind.
But that didnt change how i felt about sandy..
Of course it didnt.. Hehe..
I still thought about her at work, when i was shelving books or taking care of customers. I still read forums and argued with people online.. It became a routine of mine for about a year.
The obsession.. Has started to settle.. Im not denying it anymore, god.. I hate not knowing more.. I want to see more of that mask,, i want more evidence, i wanna learn more about this cutie..
Edward had caught me right before i was about to click on a sketchy link, something along the lines of;
“Youre awake?”
“Of course i am..”
“What are you do- actually, i think i know, pfft”
“Shut up.”
..
“Whats that?”
“Its nothing.”
…….
“Edward, im not gonna watch anything weird..”
“Okay.. im just checking on you, dummy.. You better not.. You remember what happened last time? You couldnt sleep for like a week haha..”
“Pff,, i remember..”
…..
I watched it the second he left.
And of course I regretted it again. I hate gore, i hate seeing people struggle like that. I just wanna go and help them.. Patch up their wounds and be a hero. It fucked with my head.
I just wanted to see her again, thats all. I just wanted a reminder that shes real.. That i wasnt imagining things..
It kept fucking happening.
I dont know why id watch them, id always throw up after or just sit in my bed insanely uncomfortable. I wouldnt be able to get their poor faces out of my head.. It was..
Numbing?
It was.. Fine.
After awhile,, i didnt throw up as much as i used to.
After awhile, i could press replay instead of throwing my phone onto my bed.
I wasn't looking at the poor, barely alive man on the floor or whatever was happening. I wasn't looking at the victim being tortured. I wasnt listening to the gurgling and pleading..
I was looking at the beauty doing it.. Thats why id watch..
Id stare at her.. Id watch them just so i could get a glimpse at that mask,, her movements and quiet whispers.. Her behavior, the way she toyed with them..
I guess i eventually ‘gave in’ and regularly started watching them. It wasnt my fault. My heart would always start pounding at the sight of that mask.. The gore doesnt really process to me at first.. My brain doesnt register it.. Because the only thing I'm focused on is the cutie who's doing it..
That is so wrong of me, but i cant control my feelings. Nobody can. I hate talking to therapists, i hate taking medication that never works.. Theres nothing wrong with me, no matter what anyone likes to say about it.. Im a normal girl.. I just like weird things, thats all..
My stupids posts.. They're satire, but nobody cares to believe me. Shit like ‘me next?? ;)’.. I was joking. I didnt actually mean it.. But i guess nobody can handle a joke anymore.. Pfft.
She hasnt done anything in awhile now.. I hope shes okay.. I really miss her. Not her.. Just uh,, researching things about the topic! I think i wanna get into criminology! Maybe ill become a detective one day and find criminals, haha. I dont like this killer, i just like feeling smart about something.. I like being informed..
Jeez.
I hate lying to myself.
Something is wrong with me.
Id sketch her every night before bed, sometimes with little hearts around her mask, sometimes a mini me kissing her cheek.
I hate it, i hate proving everyone right. Im a weirdo, im the weird girl, im pathetic and gross.
I couldnt even blame them for thinking that about me anymore, who wouldnt? I..
I love her so much. I wish she’d just break through my window already.
I hate myself for that.. I sound thirsty, i guess i am..
..
I think i’d marry her if she asked me.
- Edwyn <3