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“I'm screwed,” I announced to no one as I flopped onto my bed.
I laid back and buried my face in my palms. I tried to breathe deeply in an attempt to lower my heart rate, but it felt like a Sikra was slamming against my ribs from the inside.
“Which of the six hells have I dragged myself into?” I whispered into the dark of my room.
Of course, no one answered. I made sure I wasn't followed back to this side of Onyx House. Timoros magic made for a clean getaway. I laughed morosely at my cowardice. Why was I hiding from my friends? I let my hands fall from my face and stared at the ceiling.
I sighed.
I'm going to lure all the Shades here if I don't sort through my feelings.
So much swirled and burbled in my head. Where was I supposed to start?
Fear, I supposed, I did just run from everyone, after all.
I took another breath.
What am I scared of?
I was scared of losing the six people who seemed to care for me unconditionally. Niel and Talyn had been there for me since I got here. Cato was the first and only one to approach me in class. Iridessa left her childhood friends for me. Leona and I clicked as soon as she stumbled her way onto campus. And Bardric…how he ended up at my side despite it all was beyond me.
The thought of losing any of them…Shapers.
None of this would be an issue if we were just friends. But no. My stupid heart had to go and fall for all of them.
I let out a cry of frustration.
Ah. Anger and sadness.
Growing up, I only knew of love and relationships in novels. In every story that Mara and I would giggle over, the main character always was singularly devoted to their love interest. In love triangles, the main character always had to choose.
Where did that leave me and my love hexagon (or heptagon, if I counted myself)?
So yes, I was angry. Angry at myself for being so greedy, angry at the fact that I had been leading on the six people I care most about this entire semester, angry that I was inevitably going to hurt them.
I was sad too. Sad that I would either end up having to end things with five of them…or maybe even all of them. After all, who would want to keep dating someone who had been dating five other people at the same time? Would they even want to continue being friends with me?
I thought through the events of the semester. It was weird to feel nostalgic about something that started only a few months ago, for something that I was still technically in the middle of.
Niel’s unwavering support and trust in me. Her warmth when she curled up next to me in bed. Her kind eyes framed by a badass scar across her eyebrow. How her confidence bloomed as the semester went on.
Talyn’s fierce protectiveness and passion. His tendency to appear when I needed him. His smirk that would burn me from the inside out one day. The walls he slowly let down to let me in.
Cato’s steadfast earnestness and dedication. His cute and nerdy rambles. His dextrous fingers whether he was gingerly thumbing through ancient tomes or passionately playing the melodista. The song he wrote about me.
Iridessa’s tender affection and joy. Her way of seeing the best in those around her. Her elegant smiles that begged to be shaped into something less than perfect but all the more stunning. The fact that she left her betrothed for me.
Bardric’s unspoken care and commitment. His rivalry that would keep me on my toes. His manicured hairstyle that I'd delight in ruining. How he prioritizes the happiness and well-being of those around him.
Leona’s daring bravery and loyalty. Her bold ideas and adventurous nature. Her strong arms that belied her gentle touch. How she showed me that I was more capable than I could have imagined.
How could I choose just one?
There was a somber joy in how I thought of all of them. More than attraction, I was truly in love with all of them. More often than not, any number of them would occupy my thoughts at night. Any number of them would fill my dreams. Any number of their names were my first waking thought of the day. I was deeply, madly, truly in love with them.
I couldn't help but wonder: What if I could have all of them?
Finally, the curiosity that I seldom entertained surfaced. If it were possible for me to have them all, would I? The fantasy I had forbidden myself to think about worked its way into my conscious mind.
Not a sexual one. A domestic one.
Passionate lustful thoughts hardly shook me. Turned me on? Definitely. But they didn't scare me. I couldn't imagine anyone faulting me from admiring the physique of fellow Arcanes in their prime. Anyone with eyes would understand. While I hadn't kissed anyone prior to coming to Elderwood, let alone experience anything that came close to the heated encounters I had had with my housemates, the concept of sleeping with more than one person wasn't something I was unfamiliar with. I could imagine some of them would even welcome it.
Domestic fantasies though…the idea that I could have a family that loved me…
I could never allow myself to think it. I was a Dreadbane. Someone who brought destruction and pain. I never thought I'd be capable of betrayal, but wasn't that what I was doing now? Dating everyone behind the others’ backs? I had been sipping different liquors from too many chalices, and it was only time until I'd have to spit it back out.
And yet…
The images came unbidden.
Waking up sandwiched in between Niel and Iridessa, and planting kisses on their lips before heading into the kitchen to see Cato cooking breakfast and Leona making coffee. Settling in a chair between Bardric and Talyn. Talyn silently wrapping an arm around me and Bardric letting me play with his fingers as they continued arguing about whatever debate they had that morning. Dessa and Niel following after me only a little while later. Cato immediately perking up to tell us about some fun fact or event. Watching Leona exchange kisses with the other women while she poured all our coffee. Bardric suspiciously accepting his mug only after checking for runes or odd plants inside. Getting to kiss Cato to thank him for the meal before we all dug in.
Being able to watch the ones I love love each other too…
I shook my head to clear the scene from my imagination. If I let myself continue, I'd feel too much, too strongly. The last thing this school needed was another student dying by spellfyre. I couldn't afford to slip up after everything I had been through to put the Flamekeeper behind bars. Definitely not right before the Finals, not when I had survived this long.
Shit. Finals. Picking squads.
How could I pick a squad when I was a mess around all of them? It would have been easier if I had picked the same squad for every trial, but even then I couldn't bring myself to choose between them. I made sure I had fought through trials with each of them equally.
I have to tell them.
Before life had another opportunity to take them away from me. Then again, maybe none of them would want me on their squad after I confessed everything. That would probably be for the best.
Then I wouldn't have anything to lose heading into-
No. I couldn't think like that. That mindset would surely get me killed.
Determination hummed in my bones. I had to do this. Before I could lose my nerve, I stood up to find them. I walked to my door, not bothering to clear the tear stains from my face. I opened the door, ready to sprint through the hallway.
Thud.
I smacked into a wall.
Correction, not a wall. Talyn's firm-as-hells chest. Behind him, five other familiar faces looked warily at me. Talyn's hand was paused midair, as though he were about to knock.
“Woah there, Ember. You okay?” he asked softly.
I glanced at all of them.
“...Um. I was just about to go looking for all of you,” I said quite lamely, thrown off by their presence. “...Come on in?”
I backed up and gestured for them to come inside. Seven people in a college house dorm room was cozy, to say the least, but not something we hadn't done already. As soon as I closed the door behind them, Niel and Iridessa immediately swallowed me in a hug.
“We were so worried about you!” Iridessa cried.
I shoved down the overwhelming feeling of love that threatened to spill out of me.
“Seriously, Dreadbane, you should know by now how alarming it is when one of us disappears out of nowhere,” Bardric chided, concern coloring his tone.
“I did not teach you how to shadow walk just for you to ghost us,” Niel frowned.
Cato cut in, holding a hand up as though to pacify Niel and Bardric, “We're relieved to see that Yvain didn't somehow escape and kill you.”
“Just don't do that again, or I'll steal all your underwear like how I did with Dessa,” Leona joked, although I could pick out the truth in the sentiment.
Wait, did she just call Iridessa-
“Seriously though, is everything alright?” Iridessa asked gently.
I carefully extracted myself from the girls’ embrace.
“I just stepped away to take a breather,” I shrugged.
“Right. A breather. For almost an hour. On the opposite end of campus,” Bardric deadpanned.
I had the decency to look sheepish. “Had it really been that long?”
“Thought you might have scurried off to go hook up with someone at that rate. But I didn't think you would ditch practice for that,” Leona nudged me playfully, “At least, not without one of us.”
The others laughed.
If only they knew…unless…?
“You said you were looking for us?” Talyn prompted me.
“Right. Yeah. Feel free to take a seat,” I told all of them.
Shapers’ breath, having all of them in my room at the same time is making my head spin.
I cleared my throat, “I have something to confess.”
I glanced around the room to gauge their expressions. Most still kept the expression of worry on their faces, save for Iridessa's reassuring smile and the war between concern and suspicion on Bardric's face.
Ouch. Not that I blame him.
I took a deep breath to steel myself.
“I've been dating all of you. At the same time.”
The silence that followed felt like an eternity. For some reason, I couldn't read their expressions. Usually I could read their emotions pretty easily, or at least sense them magically.
I took another breath to continue, “I'm sorry for leading you all on. I understand if you don't want-”
“Hold on, that's what this is about?” Cato gaped.
To my left, Leona started howling with laughter.
What the fuck.
“Six hells! I'm crying!” Leona fell over into Cato’s lap. “You thought we didn't know?”
“...Yes?” I was taken aback by their reactions. I looked at the other four. They all wore amused expressions. Shapers -- even Iridessa was smirking. (I tucked the image of her smirk in the back of my mind. Shapers only knew what it was doing to me in that moment.)
“I don't know if I should take this as an insult to my intelligence, or if I should be astounded by your obliviousness,” Cato commented, still shocked.
“I thought you were more perceptive than that, Ember,” Talyn ribbed.
What. the. fuck.
“Don't act like you weren't blatantly making out with Talyn on my bedroom floor the other night,” Niel giggled.
“Yeah, if you thought you were hiding it, you're really bad at it,” Iridessa chimed in mirthfully.
Bardric added, “Besides, a lot of us are already dating each other.”
W h a t .
I just blinked at them.
“You all knew???” I burst out eventually, “How come no one said anything?!”
“We thought you knew we knew,” Leona shrugged nonchalantly.
“Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait- Who is dating who?”
All of them started talking, overlapping each other, pointing at each other.
“...And we're all dating you. Obviously,” Niel finished simply.
I point at Iridessa. “How come your mother didn't make a fuss about you dating others then? Why just me?”
“Oh,” she flushed, “me dating the others was a more recent development.” She played with her hair. “After I realized you were dating more than me. Niel explained, and I was on board.”
Bardric offered, “I most certainly would not have fallen for Talyn if not for you, Dreadbane.”
“Whether it's reciprocated remains to be seen,” Talyn scowled, but it was the affectionate ‘I hate that I'm agreeing with you’ scowl that I received too many times to count.
My chest felt like it was about to explode. The amount of love that was flooding my tiny space was overwhelming. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I vaguely worried about attracting an Erolian. But all I could focus on was how happy I was that not only could I continue to love all of them, but I could witness them love each other too.
“Wait, so what about squads for finals?” I asked.
“Oh, I figured out how you had been rotating between us in training and trials pretty early on,” Cato replied. “I figured we'd just be continuing it. You were with Leona and Iridessa last time, so I believe you're with me and Niel next?”
For the first time that night, I laughed. “You've been keeping track?”
“I mean, all other squads on campus don't change unless they lose a member. I double checked that we were all training with each other equally so we'd work well in any configuration,” Cato blushed and watched my cabinet knobs intently.
“By the Shapers, I love all of you so much,” I exclaimed.
All six of them paused. The shock I had expected at my initial admission only came just then.
Talyn was the first to speak, “Ember, I…”
Iridessa abruptly leapt up to tackle me in a hug, “I love you too!”
She kissed me firmly on the lips. Before I could savor it though, she was already leaning back and beaming at me.
The rest of them stood, one by one, to pull me in for a kiss. ‘I love you’s resounded from every corner of the small room.
“Never thought I'd say that to a Dreadbane-”
“-had always worried saying I love you would feel restricting, but-”
“-been too long since someone has told me that-”
“-grandma always said I would-”
“-never thought I'd hear-”
“-mom would be so happy to know-”
I was struggling to breathe, not because any of the kisses were particularly frantic or impassioned -- quite the opposite. They were firm, grounding, without fanfare -- I was just overwhelmed in the best way. The confrontation that I had been dreading, the relationships that I thought would crumble if I looked at them too hard, they were…
Solid.
What I had with them was solid.
--
“So about all of us making out…” I trailed off.
“Just as a joke?” Leona teased.
“No, Shapers, please no. For real. As my partners.”
“I like the sound of that.”