Work Text:
Chris had never experienced living in a world that didn't have his brothers in it. Unlike Nick and Matt, once he was born, both of his brothers were already waiting for him there. Perhaps that was the whole reason why he was so codependent in the first place.
It was a strange feeling. Anyone else looked at him, believing that he was his own person — well, he was, kinda. In some ways. But he also wasn't. For when they were born, one human being was split into three, and Chris couldn't stop reaching his hands out towards the other two parts of himself. After all, his entire world revolved around his older brothers.
And, listen, he knew his codependency was probably a bit of an issue. He knew, okay? But, at the same time, he wasn't like Nick, or Matt.
Nick, ever the leader, who'd always been independent, for as long his memory could reach. Matt, ever the loner, who'd always liked his own space, retreating into himself anytime he could.
Chris had never been like them. He'd always been too clingy and too annoying with his affection — he was aware — and he couldn't stop being around his brothers. Again, he really wanted to stress that he'd never experienced living in a world without them. Nick got to live in a world without the two of them, even if for a few minutes, and Matt, for a brief moment, only had one brother.
However, it seemed like his codependency issues annoyed Nick just enough to come up with a solution. Or rather, a way to help him get more… independent. That was the only way Chris could've explained why his oldest brother even came up with the idea.
Spending a week apart. That sounded like a torture method to Chris, truth be told.
He remembered pouting at first, looking at Nick with a wounded expression for the past few minutes, but the oldest refused to budge. They were all too stubborn, one of the traits they all shared, but the oldest hogged most of the stubbornness for himself.
“Don't look at me like that,” sighed Nick, shaking his head. He'd been packing up for his trip to Japan, pointedly looking away from Chris.
“You're not even looking at me,” argued Chris, ignoring how whiny he sounded. If everyone wanted to treat him like the baby of the family, so be it!
Nick rubbed his eye, scrunching his nose. “I don't have to. I know that look by fucking heart,” he huffed, putting another shirt into his suitcase. “It's done, Chris, we're spending some time apart. You're a big boy, you can survive it.”
Chris opened his mouth, wanting to argue just for the hell of it, but Nick waved his hand, dismissing him.
“We are codependent. And especially you,” noted Nick, finally shifting his gaze to Chris. “You know I love you and Matt more than anything, but, honestly, spending time on our own isn't going to kill us. You know what they say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
Chris rolled his eyes, as he walked up to Nick’s bed, flopping down on it face first. For a moment, he didn’t even move, or speak, simply soaking up the scent that was clinging to sheets. It was the little things that had always reminded him just how close to his brothers he was — someone could’ve taken all of his senses away, and yet Chris would’ve recognized them everywhere. His very soul would’ve known.
It was a strange thing. To be his own person and yet feel like he was never going to be whole.
“Whoever came up with it was an idiot,” mumbled Chris into the pillow, before turning his head just enough to look at Nick.
He could see his oldest brother’s face soften ever so slightly, but he knew it was a hopeless fight. The flight tickets were bought and everything was already booked — there was nothing that could’ve been done about this.
For a second, Chris thought about throwing a tantrum. Yes, even in his grown age, enough tears and pouts would’ve gotten him exactly what he wanted, because his brothers still managed to see him as a little kid at times. But, in the end, he decided against him. Maybe, this was his moment to grow up — as uncomfortable as it was.
The growing pains were bad enough when they were physical, but the emotional ones were probably even worse. He could’ve taken a painkiller when the aching in his bones got too strong, but what was he meant to do with the pain in his soul and heart?
“Can I sleep in your room?” asked Chris, his voice sounding small, almost shy. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually asked — usually, he simply showed up and made his brothers deal with his presence throughout the night. Now, however, he wasn’t sure if it was even allowed, anymore.
“Yeah, sweetheart,” murmured Nick, as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He reached his hand out, gently combing his fingers through Chris’ hair. Without any shame, he leaned into the touch, letting his eyes flutter shut. “Our time apart isn’t starting yet.”
Maybe, his journey towards independence could’ve waited just a bit longer. For tonight, he still could’ve curled against his oldest brother and pretend that he was just a little kid.
Being in Boston was nice. Great, even. After all, this was the city he grew up in and, for him, it held the best memories of his life. His parents were there, too, and all the friends he met throughout his life that he held close to his heart.
Despite all the people and all the memories, it still didn't stop Chris from feeling so fucking lonely, his chest squeezing uncomfortably.
The first day of being apart wasn't the best, but Chris occupied himself enough to push through it. He annoyed Mary Lou, while she was trying to cook, grinning widely, when she glared at him with fond exasperation. He helped Jimmy around the house, laughing too hard with his dad over the stupidest things, as they barely got anything done.
So, yes, the day was bearable. The problem came with the night.
Chris couldn't remember the last time he slept in his room, or on his own. His nightly routine had always consisted of showing up in one of his brother's rooms, strutting to the bed, as if he owned the place.
Listen, it helped, okay? His nightmares and sleep paralysis usually only went away if he were to share a bed with either Nick, or Matt, curling right next to them. And, yes, Matt bitched about how hot Chris was running, while Nick complained about him hogging all the blankets, but they always let him stay.
Because the older siblings always looked out for the youngest one. That was one of the rules of the universe. So, even if they annoyed the shit out of each other, Chris could always come to their rooms, when his sleep didn't come easy to him.
Now, though? Chris had to face this alone.
It was meant to push them into being more independent, and he understood that. It still didn't make it any less scary. Because getting independent meant growing up and slowly getting older.
On some days, Chris missed being a kid. The foolishness and naivety of it all, soaking up the summer sun and letting the harsh winter breeze kiss his cheeks. Because being a kid meant being by his brothers’ side for just a bit longer. Because getting older meant figuring out how to live as his own person, even when the rest of his soul lived in two other people.
Chris groaned, rubbing his hands across his face. No, he could do this. He was an adult that could easily sleep on his own, even without his brothers. He wasn’t a child, no matter what his family might’ve insisted on — and no, it didn’t matter that Matt would sometimes wipe his mouth on instinct, or that Nick sometimes spoke to him as gently as possible.
Because, after all, Chris was a grown ass man, and grown ass men slept alone in their bed at night. And he didn’t need his brothers to stop the nightmares.
So, that was a fucking lie.
His first nightmare happened just an hour into his slumber, startling him awake. On instinct, he patted the space next to him, trying to wake up Matt. Or Nick. Whose room did he fall asleep in? Where was either of his brothers, anyway?
It took him far too long to realize that he was in his own room, all the way in Boston, while Matt was in LA, and Nick was all the way in Japan.
Chris was utterly alone.
He pulled his knees to his chest, desperately trying to calm down his ragged breathing. He even tried to go through the breathing exercises that Matt usually did for his anxiety, but nothing seemed to be helping. The thought of having to go sleep alone and possibly waking up to another nightmare was making his stomach twist.
Realistically, Chris knew that he could’ve called Nick, as there about thirteen hours in between them — the oldest must’ve been long up, so it wasn’t like he was about to wake his brother up. And Nick did insist on the two of them calling him if anything were to happen. But, at the same time, Chris was meant to do this all alone. That was the whole point, no?
And so, he forced himself to down another melatonin pill, curling into a small ball in the middle of his bed. He could already feel the annoying stinging in his eyes, even as he actively fought against the tears.
Chris refused to be the baby everyone saw him as. But he couldn’t stop the waves of emotions that kept coming through him, settling deep inside his body, making it ache inside his very bones.
The thing was, Chris was fully aware there would come a day when the three of them couldn’t spend every single moment together. One day, they were going to get partners, have their own families, and have somewhat separated lives. Because that was part of growing up.
Oh, and wasn’t that just so scary? He was meant to grow up and became an average member of the society, pretending that he was a full person. He truly wanted to stress the fact that he could never be whole, for he’d gotten split into three the moment he was born.
In a way, Chris believed that the youngest siblings had always meant to be cursed. Cursed to forever pick on the habits of the older siblings, finding pieces of himself inside them — after all, his stubbornness lived in Nick’s inability to ever back down, while his mean streak in Matt’s snarky comments.
See? This was the reason he could never be whole.
But, really, the worst curse of them all was the fact that he was forever going to miss his brothers. It seemed like both Matt and Nick were doing just fine — sure, Matt was going down with a fever, but it only gave him yet another reason to stay home, while Nick was living his best life in Japan.
And Chris? Suffering through a sleepless night, apparently.
The older siblings were never going to miss the younger ones. Or, well, never in the same way, at least.
With a sigh, Chris forced himself to close his eyes. He couldn’t just stay up the entire night, no matter what his brain was telling him. Nick wouldn’t have been too happy with him, and Matt also would’ve had his own comment to add. Who cared that they were not physically around? He still valued their opinion far too much.
Ah, there was yet another curse. Was it ever going to stop?
Chris tried to distract himself throughout the week with anything he could possibly think of — spending time with his parents, hanging out with Nathan, even going fishing of all the things. And, yes, he did have fun, do not get him wrong, but it still didn’t stop him from wanting to be around his brothers.
The knowledge he couldn’t just walk into a room to bug either of them, or simply tell them all about his day was… well, crushing. And he truly didn’t want to be dramatic, as that had always been Nick’s role, but he could feel his heart clench each time he realized he couldn’t just talk to them face to face.
Chris kept texting the group chat the most — Matt was still terribly sick, so his responses were always late, while Nick’s messages were rather sporadic with all the events he had going on. No, Chris wasn’t bummed by it at all, how could you possibly think that? He was just left with little to no contact with his brothers, no biggie at all.
He couldn’t even sleep to somehow pass the time, since the nightmares were becoming more frequent, and nights became his least favorite part of this whole time apart. Though, he did only have one sleeping paralysis episode, so he was going to take that as a win.
Despite all that, Chris refused to tell either Matt, or Nick about it — he was fully aware his brothers would’ve pretty much dropped everything to even stay on the phone with him throughout the night, just to somehow help with the sleeping problems. But, at the same time, he didn’t want to take away from their precious time. Nick was living his best life with Madi, running around all the shops and restaurants and whatnot, so it didn’t seem fair to keep him away all of it. And while Matt was sick, he finally got time to rewatch all of his comfort shows as many times as he wanted, basking in the peaceful solitude this week was offering him.
And, really, Chris refused to be that selfish. He was a big boy now, he could push through it.
The nightmares were getting worse. Not only were they more frequent, they were becoming more and more gruesome, making Chris wake up with gasps, clutching his chest, his heart hurting. Each time, he had the urge to call his brothers, especially if the nightmare consisted of their of them dying, but forced himself not to.
Instead, he simply checked his phone; Matt updated them on how his fever finally went down and Nick sent them a few photos. All the messages were pretty recent, too. They were okay — nothing horrible could’ve happened in just three hours he was sleeping, right?
Fuck, Matt was meant to be the one riddled with anxiety and not Chris. This separation really wasn’t doing him any good, if he was being honest. Why couldn’t he be more like his brothers in all of this? They seemed to be doing just fine, even when they were separated, so what the fuck was his deal, anyway?
The very next day, Chris asked his mom exactly that — though, he made sure to omit all the swear words. He was sitting on the kitchen island, swinging his legs from side to side, as he watched his mom cook, as he asked that.
“Well,” said Mary Lou, keeping her voice gentle, “you’ve always been more attached to your brothers.”
“I know that,” huffed Chris, sticking his lower lip in a pout. “But I don’t understand why. Why am I like this?” he asked, his voice small.
“You have a big heart, Chris,” she murmured, as she turned around with a soft smile on her lips. “You’ve also never experienced a life without your brothers, have you? They were already waiting for you.”
Chris averted his gaze, biting on the inside his cheek. “I mean, I guess,” he mumbled, as if that wasn’t the problem all along. “But still. Matt and Nick are doing fine.”
Mary Lou cupped his cheek, and Chris leaned into the touch with a quiet sigh. “They both react to emotional situations differently, honey. It doesn’t mean that they don’t miss you, or that they’re totally fine with being separated.”
Chris only nodded, watching, as his mom went back to the pot on the stove.
“Plus,” she added lightly, “you’re going back to LA in a bit. So, try and push through just a bit more.”
Well, what else was Chris meant to do if not push through?
Once going through all the hassle of everything airports brought, Chris was finally in LA, all safe and sound, already on call with Matt, who was supposed to pick him up. He knew that his older brother was anxious — he’d never really liked driving alone, let alone in such busy environment, but Chris kept his tone light, hoping to soothe some of the nerves.
“You’re okay, Matty,” said Chris, as he walked outside the airport, looking around to hopefully spot Matt’s car soon. “Oh, wait! I see you!”
Being right next to his older brother finally managed to soothe something inside Chris. One of the two pieces that had been missing for the past week was back once more, making it far easier to breathe. His shoulder relaxed, making him wince quietly — he didn’t even realize how tense he’d been this entire time.
Matt looked at Chris from the corner of his eye, before focusing back on the road. “You look like shit,” he mumbled, not even pretending to sugarcoat anything. Ah, his older brother, always full of tact.
“Well, fuck you, too,” retorted Chris, crossing his arms over his chest.
Matt rolled his eyes — this fucking kid! He was the one to start the argument in the first place, anyway. “The dark circles, I mean.”
“Yeah, well,” said Chris, looking outside the window, watching the buildings instead, just to have something else to focus on. “I told you I slept in intervals.”
“Nah,” replied Matt, shaking his head. “You look like you haven’t slept for like a week, kid. Nightmares again?” he asked, his tone morphing into something more gentle.
Chris didn’t reply, insisting on stubbornly looking out of the window. He wasn’t about to tell Matt all about just how horrible the nights got, or how the nightmares kept him up most of the time, or even how the memories of the gruesome dreams clung to him for the following day.
Because saying all that would’ve made Matt feel guilty. Nick, too, once he would’ve found out about it. And that would’ve meant that Chris really was that fucking codependent, the fucking baby of the family.
Matt reached his hand out to Chris, gently squeezing his shoulders. “Do you wanna take a nap when we get home?”
Chris nodded, feeling his lower lip quiver. “Yes, please,” he whispered, his voice tight.
Being able to curl right by Matt’s side was everything that Chris had been missing for the past week. His eyes were starting to close on their own, even as Matt was telling him something about a show he’d been rewatching, his voice a gentle murmur.
“Falling asleep, kid?” asked Matt, sounding far too amused.
Chris forced his eyes open, looking up at Matt. “Nuh-uh. Wide awake,” he replied, his words slurring together.
Matt snorted, raising one eyebrow. He let Chris use his chest as a pillow, putting one hand on his younger brother’s back. “Sure you are,” he whispered, rubbing small circles in between Chris’ shoulder blades. “Just get some rest, yeah?”
“What if I’ll have a nightmare?” asked Chris, the question leaving his mouth without wanting it. He really did sound like a fucking baby, huh?
“You won’t,” replied Matt, sounding so fucking sure of himself that it made Chris pause.
“And how do you know?” huffed Chris with a frown.
“Well, one,” began Matt, raising one finger, “I’m here. And, two” he raised another finger, “if you do have a nightmare — which you won’t — I’ll just wake you right up. So, get some fucking sleep, you’re dead on your feet.”
And, well, it wasn’t like Chris could’ve argued with that. Instead, he simply nodded, resting his head back on Matt’s chest, letting his eyes close. For the first time in a week, Chris managed to sleep a handful of hours without a single nightmare.
The surprise they’d planned for Nick might’ve been a bit too extensive, a little over the top one could’ve said, but… their brother deserved only the best, so the whole band was very much needed, actually. Sure, their neighbors were probably going to hate them, but, eh, who cared.
All Chris could care about was the fact that he finally got to have both of his brothers next to him. Because, after such a long time, it was so fucking easy to take in a deep breath, his chest feeling light. Having both Nick and Matt by his side meant being whole again.
Chris had never experienced his life without them, as he’d established before, and he truly wasn’t ready for the day they would all have their own separate lives. He was fully aware that the curse of missing them would creep back in, sometimes in the future, and never leave him. It was something all the youngest siblings were meant to deal with forever.
Perhaps, the curse would eventually get easier to bear, as he’d get used to the absence in his heart and soul, even though he knew he’d forever reach his hands out, hoping to grasp the missing pieces.
And Chris couldn’t be forever codependent, as the life was slowly forcing him to grow up. It was uncomfortable, making his skin itch and his bones ache. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to do any of that, but life rarely ever waited if anyone was ready, as it kept moving forward, dragging everyone else behind it.
One day, his brothers were going to move away and missing them would become an everyday routine. But, for now, Chris got to spend just a little bit more time around them. The doom of it all could wait just a little bit more, and he could pretend that they were just kids for a minute longer.
Well, Nick did need help with his bags, anyway. And who was Chris to deny his oldest brother when he hadn’t seen him in so long?