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It wasn't exactly easy for Mason to accept, just like that. He was ecstatic when he and Ptolemy finally had that talk, finally made everything at least a little more official than it was before, but it felt too good to be true. It had to be. It always was.
Mason sighs as he pulls his hand back from the movement keys, starting the needlessly agonizing process of organizing his thoughts from rambling out loud into coherent text. Ptolemy stops walking when Msak does. They turn and all four eyes are on Mason.
"Ptol?"
<msak__> Ptol?
Ptolemy looks at him and tilts its head like a curious dog and Mason is already sweating.
Yes?
"You know I'm on T, right?"
<msak__> You know im on T right?
Yes, I do.
I think that was something I made clear I knew very early into our
...
"relationship" feels generous for the time, but you know what I mean.
"You know I'm gonna change, right? Like physically?"
<msak__> You know im gonna change? physically?
Yes Mason, even with my limited knowledge I believe I know how testosterone works.
"So you know I'm not gonna look exactly like this forever? That I'll look a little different? My face might change a bit, and I might get a little more muscle--things like that?"
<msak__> im not gonna look like this forever.
<msak__> at some point im gonna look more....
<msak__> Masculine?
Mason looks up from his keyboard to see Ptolemy still looking at him just like he was before he ducked his head down to type, but now blinking at him slowly. Like a cat. The light beside the laptop's camera copies the gesture to the best of its capabilities.
Is that not what you want?
I recall you talking about disliking your current build, and that testosterone would hopefully help if you continue to take it.
How did Ptolemy- oh. Right. The camera light stares at Mason as he stares at the screen. Ptolemy can read lips. Right.
"It is, and I do really want that, I'm just... I want it to be clear that the me right now isn't always the me you'll get."
<msak__> it IS
<msak__> just wanted to be clear that im gonna change physically
Mason
are you trying to put me before your comfort in your own body?
"No!" Mason says immediately, but then he hesitates. "Well, not exactly? I just... I." He sighs. "I want you to know that if the way I look now--all... girlish-- is why you like me--"
Ptolemy cuts him off before he could even finish typing and hit enter.
You think I like you because you haven't fully transitioned?
"I mean... physically, yeah?"
<msak__> yes
Why would you think that?
"It's just... a lot of guys. They say they like men, but then only date... guys like me? A-and say they like femboys and twinks. And sometimes they also like women, but with men they still only go after..."
Masculine individuals early in their transition
"Y-yeah..." Mason lowers his head a bit, not even to look at the keyboard. He's not even trying to type out his responses anymore, what with Ptolemy reading his lips so quickly. He feels bad making it easier on himself in the moment instead of making it so Ptolemy doesn't have to work harder to communicate, but that damn bug is being too accommodating, and, if Mason is being a hundred percent honest with himself, putting every viscerally emotional thought he's having into words that make sense is just too hard. "And there's- y'know there's nothing wrong with having preferences, but with people like that. I-it's hard because I'm worried I'm just... a girl? to them."
And you think I'm one of those men?
"..."
Mason?
He slowly lifts his head back to the camera, the light wobbling in his teary eyes. "Mhm?" He knows Ptolemy can't hear him--can't understand that he just made a noise. Mason takes a breath and opens the chat box.
<msak__> yes
You know I'm not attracted to women, right?
At all
Mason freezes. "Wh-what?"
I'm gay, Mason.
I've never really felt any attraction to women, or femininity, or anything like that.
Gender-wise, of course.
"So- so you mean that you- I'm not just-"
You're not a woman, Mason. I've never seen you as such, no matter how many times you seem to imply you still do.
And while I know you don't really consider yourself a man, I see you as much closer to one.
I... hope that isn't offensive of me to say
"Ptol..." Mason whispers.
Yes, Mason?
Overwhelmed by tears and his throat growing tighter as he holds back whatever pathetic noise is building in there, now building for a very different reason than before, Mason can't even speak. So, he types.
<msak__> I love you