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Jarno closed his laptop and got ready to leave the garage to meet up with Fernando. Like most of the other teams, Toyota was testing in Jerez, trying to sort out the teething problems of the new cars. The new Toyota wasn’t bad but they still had some issues to solve.
In the other half of the garage Ralf was debating with his mechanics. Jarno wondered if he would get along with his new teammate. He had got to know his pit crew and mechanics quite well over the last month, but he had hardly ever talked to Ralf. The German was always polite but even more reserved.
But this evening his new team was of no concern for Jarno. He was heading into town to grab dinner and a movie with Fernando. The two friends had done a lot together in the winter break, but since the pre-season started time had been scarce. It had been a lot easier to coordinate their responsibilities while being in the same team, but since that was not possible anymore there was no sense in regrets.
Jarno went over to his trailer and changed into casual clothes. They had decided to meet there because Jarno was not too keen of meeting Flavio. It was nearly one hour over the appointed time when the Spaniard showed up.
Fernando made a contrite face. “I’m really sorry, Jarno. Flavio called an instant team meeting and I couldn’t get out of it.”
“It’s ok; we can see the movie another time. Do you want to change here or do you need to go back to the hotel?” Jarno tried to keep his disappointment out of his voice. Every time with Fernando was precious for him, but he especially loved watching Fernando’s expressive face during a movie. He took comfort in the prospect of dinner together. He would finally be able to catch up on the latest news from Fernando’s family.
“I have to cancel dinner as well. The team is going out together and you know how it is, you are not getting out of one of those evenings.” Fernando did not sound too thrilled about his new evenings plans, but that was a cold comfort. “I just came to tell you so you wouldn’t wait any longer. We’ll make up for it another time, ok?”
“Of course it’s ok,” Jarno answered in a cheerful tone. “Have fun and give my greeting to anyone who still cares.” He did not succeeded in keeping the hurt completely out of his tone.
Fernando looked a bit skeptical but at last he believed that his friend understood the situation. He was relieved that Jarno wasn’t angry. He would rather go out with him than the team, but the job was the job. “See you tomorrow then.”
“Yeah, see you.” Jarno stared at the closed door after Fernando had left and sighed heavily; so much for a nice relaxing evening. The thought of going somewhere to eat alone depressed him even more. He got up and left his trailer. He would grab a snack on his way to the hotel.
Outside he saw that there were still lights on in the Toyota garage. He went over to see who was working this late.
All the mechanics and engineers had left, only Ralf was still sitting at a desk. He was reading telemetry printouts and scribbling things in a notepad. His brows were furrowed in concentration. Jarno debated with himself about just leaving and going over when the decision was made for him. Ralf looked up suddenly and spotted him.
“Oh, hey. I thought you left sometime ago,” the German sounded surprised.
“I kinda did.”
“Kind of? How do you do that?” There was humor swinging in Ralf’s voice that made Jarno smile.
“I had an appointment with Fernando, but he had to do team stuff.” He shrugged his shoulders to indicate his indifference at the matter. It wasn’t really needed here but playing down his affection for his former teammate had become a natural habit for him. “And what are you still doing here?”
“I try to sort out this data but I’m not having much luck. I’m sure the car could be a lot faster, but every change for the better makes something else worse. There has to be a way through this, but I just can’t see it.” He looked annoyed at the paper before him.
“Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”
“Of course it could, but it’s nagging at me now and I know I won’t sleep anyway.”
Jarno put his jacket away and sat down besides him. “Let me see?”
Ralf looked surprised by the request.
“What? Don’t you share your data with your teammate?” Jarno thought it was no wonder Juan hadn’t got along the German if he was like that.
“No, of course you can see my data, but usually showing them to my teammates hasn’t made much sense.” He gave the printouts to Jarno, sat back and looked at him expectantly.
Jarno needed some time to read through all of it but then he began to make suggestions. Most of them were answered with a 'tried that, does not work’. When Ralf came up with some of the things he had tried earlier that day, Jarno got his own telemetry data and they started to compare them.
Bouncing suggestions off each other they finally found something neither of them had thought of before.
“We have to try this tomorrow, but I’m quite sure it will work. Thank you!”
Jarno laughed. “You came up with it, not me.”
“But I would never have come to that idea on my own.”
“Then I’m pleased I could be helpful.” Jarno smiled. “So, you usually do all this work on your own?”
“With BMW my race engineer worked with me. Juan never got a grip on reading telemetry, neither did Mark or Antonio. While I was karting Mike helped me. And you? Could you work with Alonso? You two seem to be quite close.”
“We are friends and yes, we used to help each other with the setup of the car.” To Jarno’s embarrassment his stomach began to growl rather loudly.
Ralf grinned at him “I gather you haven’t eaten yet either.”
“I had planed to eat with Fernando.”
“I have all the ingredients for Spaghetti Napoli in my trailer. It would easily be enough for two. Do you want some?”
Jarno’s stomach growled again.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
They put their work away, switched off the light, and went over to the trailer. Inside Ralf busied himself with preparing their meal while Jarno sat down at the table and looked around. The trailer looked similar to his own, only the personal things made a difference. There were child drawings pinned to the wall and on the side board stood some pictures. One showed Michael and his family, one was of David and the last one showed an elderly woman, probably Ralf’s mother. On the table lay a book, but Jarno did not understand the title because it was written in German.
There was nothing else to see, so Jarno watched Ralf expertly cut the tomatoes. “Do you cook often?” They had been in Formula One together for years now, but Jarno felt like he knew nothing about the other man.
“I used to do it more often, but Cora does all the cooking at home and Daniel does it the rest of the time. He always complains that I don’t remember to eat properly and that I would starve without him.” Ralf rolled his eyes at the thought. “He is at his sister’s wedding today, but he only went after he bought all this stuff and made me promise to eat it.”
“And you nearly broke that promise. I’ll have to remember that if I ever need some blackmail material.”
“Oh yeah, I’m trembling in fear of my physiotherapist!”
“Would you dare tell him that to his face?”
Ralf looked up from stirring the sauce and grinned good-naturedly. “Of course not! That guy is pulling at my limbs on a regular basis.”
He finished the pasta and put it on two plates. Then he poured the sauce over it and put one plate in front of Jarno. “I only have water and apple juice for drinking.”
“That’s fine. I take water.”
Ralf took the water bottle out of the fridge and two glasses from a cupboard and finally sat down. “Guten Appetit.”
“Bon Appetito.” Jarno tasted the meal cautioned. “Hmm, that isn’t half bad.”
“Gee, thanks, but you sound awfully surprised.”
Jarno grinned at the accusation. “Most men I know couldn’t make proper spaghetti if their life depended on it.”
“Not even your friend Alonso?” Ralf looked up from his plate and smirked.
“No, not even him, but he makes Paella to die for. You have to try it someday.”
Ralf sobered a bit. “I think it’s not very likely that he’ll invite me for a homemade meal.”
“Why do you dislike him? He really is a nice guy.” Jarno was always ready to defend his friend.
“I don’t dislike him. I’m more or less indifferent to him actually, but he hates me and I don’t really understand why.”
An embarrassed silence followed that but shortly after they were talking about team related things and finished eating in a good mood.
Grand Prix of Australia, Melbourne, Friday
Fernando sat in his garage waiting for his mechanics to finish making changes to his car. He was watching the pit lane when Jarno and Ralf walked by. Walking side by side in their matching team clothes, and caught up in an animated discussion, they looked like good friends.
Fernando frowned at that and regretted, like often before, that he hadn’t had much time to meet Jarno lately. There seemed to be always team meetings, PR events or interviews in the way. He’d had to cancel more appointments since testing had started than in all the years before. Mostly because Flavio and Paul Monaghan, his race engineer, had developed a tendency for suddenly needing his assistance with some decisions.
While he watched the two Toyota drivers Ralf said something to Jarno, making them both laugh. Fernando felt a stab of pain in his chest. Not even Jarno suddenly looking his way and smiling at him could lessen the feeling.
Fernando got up and walked out of the garage. “Jarno, wait a moment, please?”
Both men stopped and waited for him to reach them. Fernando had hoped that Ralf would walk on, but he nodded to the German in greeting. “Hey Jarno, would you like to grab dinner with me today?”
Jarno’s face lit up at the prospect, but with a side glance to Ralf he sobered again. “That would be great, but I’ve already made plans with Ralf.”
Ralf had got to know Jarno well enough to hear the disappointment in his voice quite easily. “That’s ok; we can go there tomorrow instead.” Ralf nearly laughed at the astonished look he was getting from Fernando for his assistance.
Jarno hesitated a bit but then nodded. “Ok, come and meet me at the motor home when you’re free and Fernando… it’s your treat this time.” He grinned at his friend then he looked at Ralf. “Where will you eat today then?”
Ralf smirked at the mother hen display. “Don’t worry, I’ll ask if Mike has time and if not, between you and Daniel I really have no chance of starving.”
They said their goodbyes and Fernando looked after them until they had disappeared into their own garage.
Jarno sat in his room in the Toyota motor home and pretended to read the data printouts in front of him. The truth was he had no idea what was showing there. He was just waiting for Fernando to show up. They hadn’t agreed on an exact time, but Jarno couldn’t help it, he hoped Fernando would show up soon and not just to say he could not make it. That had happened often enough already.
A knock at the door brought him out of his brooding. “Come in.” A smile appeared on his face as he saw the familiar figure of his friend.
Fernando smiled back at him, before his gaze fell on the paper on the table. “Are you free or do you need to work some more? I could come back later.”
“No, I’m free, just using the time.” He put the printouts away and grabbed his jacket. “Any idea where we should go to?”
“I remember I still own you a movie and I thought dinner afterwards?”
“Sounds good to me,” Jarno felt like laughing out loud and could not wipe the grin of his face.
“Let’s go then, but I’m driving. I do not trust Japanese cars,” Fernando teased good-naturedly.
“They are better than you might think.”
“Yes, of course,” the sarcasm was dripping off Fernando’s words.
“Hey! Who had to walk back from the Ascari today because his French car died on him? Huh?”
Fernando laughed. “Ok, ok, you’re right, but I’m still driving.”
“What? Don’t say you are not trusting Italian drivers either.”
“I wouldn’t trust all of them, but I trust you. You said yourself, it is my treat today. My treat, my car.”
Jarno brought his hands up in mock surrender. “You win, your car it is.”
They had nearly reached the car park when Fernando’s mobile rang. The Spaniard took a look at the display and mouthed 'Flavio’. Jarno prepared himself for another disappointment. Flavio had probably found something he needed his driver to do, … immediately.
“Hey Flavio, what’s up?” Fernando listened for a moment then his brows furrowed in a frown.
“Now?”
Jarno looked away and sighed quietly. As if he hadn’t known it.
“I’m sure that can wait until tomorrow.”
Jarno looked back in surprise. Fernando had up to now never declined a call from Flavio. The whole stance of his friend was now showing his annoyance.
“I do know that this is part of the job, but I have other plans already. You should have told me about it earlier.”
Jarno guessed that Flavio hadn’t known about his appointment with Fernando earlier.
“Tell them I’m sorry but I will have time for them tomorrow. Bye.” Fernando canceled the call with a vengeance and for good matter turned off the phone as well.
To Jarno he looked like a petulant child defying its parents for the first time.
Grand Prix of Australia, Melbourne, Saturday
Jarno was on his way to the motor home when Flavio suddenly appeared in front of him.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the Renault team chief barked. “I told you to stay away from Fernando. You will not pull him into your mess any further.”
“I don’t know what you mean. I haven’t done anything to Fernando,” Jarno got angry at the accusation.
“You are endangering him and I will no longer permit that.”
“You are not my boss anymore nor are you my manager, so sod off, Flavio.”
“You stay away from Fernando or your life will become a lot more unpleasant.” Flavio’s voice had become an angry hiss.
“And how exactly do you think you can back up that threat?” Jarno’s anger was matching Flavio’s now.
“If word got out that you’re a queer little pervert, a lot of people would not be too friendly to you anymore, don’t you think?” There was more than a little gloating in the words.
“You wouldn’t dare to tell anyone. That would be exactly what you fear the most. Everyone would question Fernando’s relationship with me.”
“You will see if I do.” With a deadly glare Flavio stormed away leaving a fuming Jarno behind.
Grand Prix of Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur, Saturday evening
Jarno collapsed onto his bed. He was drained from living on the edge for more than two weeks now. At first he hadn’t believed Flavio’s threat, but after getting meaningful looks from his ex team chief every time he saw him, he was not as sure anymore.
For the last two weeks he had always be prepared to hear that one question whenever the phone rang or to read that one line whenever he opened a news paper. Nothing had happened this far, but he was tired of the suspense and hoped something would happen.
There was a loud knock at the door and when he opened it he saw his teammate standing before him.
“Can I come in?” Ralf looked quite serious and anxiety was rising in Jarno’s chest.
“Yes, of course.”
The German went straight into the room and waited until the door was closed again.
“I found this today on the door of my room. Read it!” He held out a letter for Jarno.
Jarno took it, pulled out the single sheet of paper and began reading it. The note was not long but every word was full of hate. He read it twice more before he gave it back.
“Is it true?” The anger in Ralf’s voice made Jarno grind his teeth. “What’s said there, is it true?”
After two weeks of fearing this moment Jarno had no energy for fighting anymore. He sank down onto the couch and nodded slowly.
“Shit!” The exclamation was barked out so loudly that everyone outside had probably understood it clearly. Ralf got himself a bit more under control again. “Have you any idea who could have written this. Who knows?”
Jarno buried his face in his hands. He felt the couch dip down next to him and a hand grabbed his shoulder. The touch was only light but Jarno winced as if he had been hit.
“Are you ok?”
The serious concern in the question surprised Jarno. He looked up and met Ralf’s eyes. The anger was still etched into the lines of the Germans face, but the look directed at Jarno held none of it.
“Look, this will not affect you, ok. You stay away from me and I won’t bother you, but please, don’t tell anyone.”
Ralf looked at him in confusion.
Jarno tried to smile. “I’m gay, but that doesn’t mean that I’m lusting after every piece of male ass that I see. You’re a nice guy, but you aren’t my type, ok?” He was hoping to be able to salvage at least enough of the friendship they had developed to be able to work next to each other.
“Gee, thanks Jarno for telling me how unappealing I am to you.” There was definitely a hint of humor in Ralf’s voice. “I have no problem with you being gay, ok? I just wanted to know who would be mean enough to write something like that.” He pointed at the letter now lying on the table in front of them.
“Flavio wrote it or he told someone to write it.” The shock was wearing off and Jarno was feeling even more tired now.
“Flavio? Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m completely sure. He told me himself last race he would do it. Besides he is the only one in Formula One who knows.”
“But why would he do that?”
“Because of Fernando.”
“Fernando?” Ralf sounded confused. “Maybe it would be better to start at the beginning.”
Jarno had to smile at this. “That could take some time.”
“I haven’t planed to be anywhere else.” Ralf leaned back and waited expectantly.
“When I was younger I had a favorite uncle named Carlos. I really loved him but he died early in an accident. Only after he was dead did I find out that he had been gay. He even had a long term partner whom I had never met before the funeral. I felt betrayed by Carlos because he held back such an important part of him from me, and when it became clear to me that I am gay myself I swore not to keep it a secret. I think my father still thinks I became gay out of protest.” He chuckled at the thought and Ralf grinned as well.
“When I had the chance to get a seat in Formula One Flavio told me that I had to choose between being honest and racing in the king class. He made clear that my career would be over as soon as the world found that out about me. So I did what I never wanted to do, I stayed in the closet, lying to everyone, even my friends. Besides Flavio only my family knows, and I think they are not too disappointed that I don’t march in the gay pride parade.” Jarno pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.
“Flavio seemed to be ok with it as long as I did nothing too obvious. But after my victory in Monaco last year he asked me in a private minute if I ever had fancied a fellow driver. Nice wording for that question, isn’t it? I was drunk at that time and so I told him the truth. I do fancy another driver, or better I’m in love with one.”
“Let me guess,” it was the first time since Jarno had started that Ralf said something, “it’s Fernando, right?”
Jarno smiled sadly. “Yes, you are right. I must have been too obvious for someone who knew me well enough, because I think Flavio suspected it as well.”
He took a deep breath before he continued. “He said nothing more about it at this evening, but the next time I asked him about my new contract he told me I wouldn’t get one. He wanted to save his new prince from the influence of such a pervert like me.” The anger and hurt he had felt at that moment came back full force.
“That’s why I’m free of this asshole now and why I drive for Toyota. Since pre-season he has tried to keep Fernando away from me, but since his usual trick did not work anymore, he cornered me and told me to stay away from Fernando or he’d make my life a lot harder.”
Through the end of the story Ralf’s hand had reappeared on Jarno’s shoulder and kneaded the muscles there.
“So, Alonso is your type, huh?” The friendly smile had come back to Ralf’s face. “He has a really nice ass, I have to give him that, but as a whole I don’t like them that dark.”
When Jarno finally found his voice again he asked, “What do you mean by that?”
Ralf grinned at Jarno’s shocked expression. “You didn’t think that you were the only gay driver in Formula One, did you?”
“You mean… you are?”
“Gay myself? Yes, I am.”
Jarno shook his head in astonishment. “I would never have guessed it. Why are you telling me this?”
Ralf shrugged his shoulders. “It seemed fair.”
It took a moment for Jarno to fully understand the news, but then he blurted out the first question that came to mind. “Do you have a lover?”
“You are not even a little curious, right?” The German chuckled, because his teammate was making a face like a little boy at Christmas.
“No, not even a little. So tell, have you or not?”
“No, I haven’t.” It sounded a bit sad.
Encouraged by getting an answer Jarno asked more. “But… would you? I mean… it’s dangerous. If someone finds out you could say good bye to your career.”
“For the right one I would give up nearly everything, but if there were no need to, I wouldn’t go public.”
“Have you ever been interested in another driver?” It seemed that Jarno was having some fun now.
Ralf smirked. “Yes.”
“Who? No, wait. Montoya?” The curiosity made Jarno sit up straight and holding his breath.
Ralf started to laugh. “Juan? Of course not! I don’t even like him and as I told you dark is not my type.”
“Then… who is it?”
“Does not matter. He is not interested in me anyway.”
“Are you sure? Maybe he’s just hiding.”
“You have a fake girlfriend or wife for hiding, but he is interested in another guy. So, no such luck for me. What’s with Fernando, is he interested in you too?”
It was a sobering question and Jarno answered it in a more serious voice. “Sometimes I think he is, but most times I think he isn’t. Maybe he doesn’t even know it himself.”
“Have you ever tried to make him see it?” Ralf seemed to be really sympathetic about the matter.
“I have flirted with him quite obviously. He would flirt right back and in the next moment he would tell me about some girl he’d met. I stopped trying after a while.”
Both of them sat in silence and contemplated the unfairness of life and unrequited love. Sometime later Ralf went back to his own room. Only after he was alone Jarno noticed that Ralf had taken the letter with him.
Thanks to the talk with Ralf, Jarno had slept without any nightmares for the first time in the last two weeks. Only on the way to the course did the idea came him that Ralf might not have been the only recipient of a letter.
When he finally reached the Toyota motor home he was sweating and his heart was hammering with fear. It seemed like everyone was looking at him, but no one asked any question or said anything. It could just be his imagination.
Inside he saw Ralf talking with Daniel and he greeted them with a nod. Some people looked up when he entered but they all lost interest the moment they recognized him and there was not the awkward silence he had feared.
After the morning went by as normal as it could be expected on a race day Jarno relaxed. The warm up was unspectacular and no one at the drivers’ parade looked at him any different. He talked to Ralf while they stood next to each other waving to the fans.
Tsutomu Tomita was watching his drivers going through their pre-race preparations. They seemed to get along even better than he’d hoped for, but the content of the letter he had found at his door yesterday could turn out to be a big problem.
The Toyota team chief had watched Jarno throughout the morning and the Italian seemed to be more stressed than usual. He had hoped it all would turn out to be lies, but Jarno’s actions implied that it was more or less the truth. He had to decide what he would do about it. He had thought about talking to Jarno after the race, but the Italian was on the edge anyway, he might as well do it now.
“Jarno, would you come into my office, please?”
The sudden paleness of his driver was another bad sign. After closing the door behind them he gestured for Jarno to sit in one of the chairs.
“I have a problem here,” he put the letter on the table between them. “Do you have an idea what this is?”
Jarno cleared his throat. “Probably.”
Tomita nodded. “I thought so.” He folded his hands and contemplated his options. “I’m not interested in what activities the members of my team are involved in during their private time as long as it isn’t illegal, too dangerous or damaging the team spirit. If I… let’s say forget about this, could I be sure that the things described inside there are not affecting your ability to race?”
Jarno had difficulties speaking around the lump in his throat. “Yes.”
The team chief nodded thoughtfully. “Would I ever hear complaints about this from anyone in the team, especially from your teammate?”
“No, you would not.”
Tomita took the letter and lit it, and then he put the burning paper in the ashtray on the table. He watched in silence until only ashes were left. “I hope I will not regret this.” He held Jarno’s gaze until he was satisfied that the man had understood the importance of it.
“You won’t, I promise.” Jarno stood up unsure and left the room after a nod.
Through the open door Tomita could see that Ralf was looking concernedly at Jarno and the reassuring smile he got back from his teammate. It probably had been the right decision; the rest only time would tell.
Testing in Jerez
Fernando hurried to leave the Renault motor home after taking a short shower. Flavio had stretched the team meeting with some nonsense questions, but he could make it still in time.
“Fernando, one moment please.”
Flavio’s voice interrupted the Spaniard’s break for the door. He looked annoyed over to his team chief. “What is it, Flavio? I’m late.”
“I wanted to go through some data with you.”
Fernando took a deep breath. “I’m there for you tomorrow morning first thing, but now I have to go. See you.” He nearly ran through the door.
Outside he took another deep breath. Sometimes in the last month he had nearly felt like a prisoner. The whole team seemed to be determined to keep things away from him. Probably they thought that he could better concentrate on his work, but to him it felt like they were cutting of his space and taking away his choices.
He had longed to break out of it all for a while now, but even a visit home had not helped as much as he had hoped. His family had not been able to understand what was bothering him.
He was sure Jarno would understand, but he hadn’t been able to spend time with his friend for nearly two months now. If he had fought free of the team responsibilities Jarno had always been too busy to see him.
Sometimes it had even seemed like Jarno didn’t want to have time for him. On occasion, after leaving Jarno to his work and going back to his own team, he had seen his friend leaving the track with Ralf only shortly after. On others Jarno even outright told him that he had made plans with the German and he could not be persuaded to change them.
But today he had been lucky. Ralf had left yesterday for a sponsor event and the Toyota team was taking down their tents for this test session.
Fernando reached Jarno’s trailer and knocked at the door. After he heard the “come in” he did exactly that. Jarno sat at the table still wearing his sponsor shirt. It was an unspoken rule between them that they both wore casual clothes with no team signs on them while being together. Fernando worried what it could mean that Jarno had not changed yet.
“Is everything ok or do you have to work?” Fernando had meant to sound casual about the prospect of another canceled meeting, but to his ears he sounded more like a disappointed child.
“No, I’m finished. I just had to look through this all,” Jarno was gesturing to the stack of paper in front of him. “If it’s ok, I’ll grab a shower and change?”
“Of course it’s ok.” It was funny how relieved he felt.
“Help your self to a drink, I will hurry.” Jarno put the papers away and went to the bathroom.
Fernando opened the little fridge and took a bottle of water out. He knew that Jarno drank Cola nearly always while on the course and he smiled at the thoughtfulness of his friend.
He sat down and looked around. He had hardly ever been inside the trailer and at the times he had been, it had been only for brief moments. The interior was a bit different from the one at Renault, but he recognized the familiar things that belonged to Jarno; the small CD collection and the stereo, the framed pictures and the old clock on the side board that was always five minutes early.
Over the stove in the little kitchen was a collection of spices and at its side stood a tall jar with Spaghetti. Fernando wandered over there and inspected the spices. He found nearly everything a cook could wish for, and a lot of them seemed to be in regular use.
Jarno came back out of the bathroom, now wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Fernando noticed suddenly that he hadn’t seen Jarno in anything other than an ordinary outfit for some time, even the palm tree hairdo had been absent for at least weeks. He slowly put the jar he held back on the shelf.
“Do you cook here?” He knew Jarno could cook quite well. The lasagna he had made while visiting Fernando’s family had even been praised by his grandmother. But he did it only on rare occasions.
Jarno looked up from putting on his watch. “Yes, when it gets late Ralf and I sometimes cook for ourselves rather than go find something outside. He’s quite good at pasta, you know?” A fond smile played around Jarno’s mouth. Fernando disliked the thought that Ralf had put it there.
“We could stay here and cook instead.” Fernando was not too fond of cooking. His grandmother had made him learn to make proper paella, but everything else he made was only edible on a good day. But if Jarno liked cooking he would do it anyway.
“Nah, maybe another day. Ralf gave me the address of a restaurant not far away. He said they have fantastic food and live music most days.”
The short relief Fernando had felt about not having to cook was fast replaced by the realization how big the part really was that Ralf played in Jarno’s life now. He forced a smile on his face. “That sounds good. Let’s go.”
He had thought he would hate the place just because Ralf liked it, but Fernando had to admit that it was really great. The food was excellent and they served good wine with it. Their waitress was a cheerful middle-aged woman that partly flirted with both of them and partly behaved like a caring mother hen.
The music was also great. A band of four young men played a modern form of salsa on traditional instruments. The rhythm went into his blood as well as the wine and he danced with some of the women there. He tried to get Jarno to dance too, but the Italian had refused forcefully with the excuse that he couldn’t dance Salsa. Fernando decided that this was something he had to teach his friend in the near future. As it was, Jarno seemed content with sipping his wine and watching Fernando.
The easy mood that filled the whole restaurant brought back the normality of the friendship between the two men and they talked and laughed all evening. When they at last walked down the street to find a cab, Jarno put his arm around Fernando’s shoulder while walking besides him. Only through feeling the familiar gesture Fernando realized how much he had missed all of this. He hoped this evening meant he had his friend back for good.
Fernando was at the course early the next morning. He knew he’d angered Flavio with his hectic departure yesterday. He had already looked through most of the data from the day before when his team chief arrived. Without any words he gestured Fernando into his office.
“Sit down, please.” Fernando did what he was told without comment.
“Do you think a team chief should protect his drivers in any ways he can?”
Fernando contemplated the question warily and then answered hesitantly, “Probably yes.”
“If you think that why are you making my job harder for me?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Fernando had no idea where this was leading, but he had a bad feeling about it.
“I want you to stay away from Jarno. Don’t spend your time with him, don’t mention his name in interviews and don’t talk to him if you can help it.”
Fernando looked at Flavio disbelieving shaking his head in denial. “You can’t be serious.”
Flavio’s eyes were full of hate. “He is not good for you and he could be fatal for your career.”
“Jarno is my friend! I don’t know what problem the two of you have, but that is none of my business. I will not stop being his friend just because you don’t like him anymore.” Anger was burning hot in Fernando and he had to keep himself from doing something really stupid.
“You think you know your friend very well, don’t you? But you don’t know that he has a secret, one he hasn’t even told you.” Fernando had never heard such malice before.
“I do know Jarno. At least a lot better than you.”
“You are wrong Fernando. I do know him better where it matters. Or has he told you that he is queer?” Flavio was smiling now. He seemed to really enjoy this.
Fernando laughed. “You think that because of his choice of clothes, don’t you? That’s stupid.”
Flavio’s smile became an evil grin. “No, I think it because of his choice of bed partners.”
Fernando was speechless for a moment.
“He’s gay and therefore he is dangerous to everyone who is too close to him. If that little fact about him ever gets to be known, what do you think they all will think about his best friend? Huh?”
A nervous laugh escaped Fernando. “As I told you, that is just stupid. You better not go around and telling lies like that. No one would believe you anyway.”
Flavio just looked at him and kept his silence.
“You are wrong.” The Spaniard stood up and left the room. At the door he looked back. Flavio still sat there looking at him in silence. He lifted his eyebrows questioning but Fernando closed the door behind himself without saying anymore.
The letters on the papers in front of him could have been hieroglyphs as far as Fernando was concerned. He had tried to read the first paragraph five times now and he couldn’t even tell in which language it was written. His thoughts always wandered back to one thing: Could Jarno be gay?
For the first moment he had been sure it could not be true, but now after thinking about it he had doubts. Jarno had sometimes worn really crazy things, but that didn’t mean he was swinging the other way.
He’d been friends with him for years now and there had never been any sign other than the clothes. Yes, Jarno had not flirted with women as much as he himself did, but he was older and therefore more settled. And as far as Fernando could tell, Jarno had never looked out for any guy even when there had been some quite good looking around.
The other question that wasn’t leaving him was what it would mean if Flavio were right. He had wondered why Jarno had left the team. He had asked his friend, but he had never gotten an answer. If Flavio’s prejudice had sent him away that would explain a lot.
But what did it mean for him and their friendship? Fernando had always been taught not to listen to prejudice, but in the business orientated world of Formula One even a suspicion could break your neck. Racing was his life but the last month had shown him that he needed Jarno in his life too.
He finally made a decision. He would not sacrifice their friendship. On the contrary, he would do anything he could to keep it and if someday the worst really did happen, then they would deal with it together.
Jarno was sitting in the VIP-lounge at the airport waiting for his flight home when his cell phone rang.
“Si?”
“How did it go yesterday?”
Jarno smiled involuntarily at the curiosity his teammate was displaying. “Precise as always, direct to the point,” he teased.
“I know your flight is due shortly and mine is boarding in a few minutes, we don’t have much time. So, … tell!”
“You were right, the place is great. We had a good time.”
“Does that mean you are back to your good mood and not hanging around like a depressed poodle anymore?”
“I’m nothing like a poodle.” Jarno tried to sound offended.
“With your long hair, yes, you are.” Ralf laughed on the other side of the line and Jarno just had to smile again.
“Seriously, I’m really thankful you made me take that chance. I missed him horribly, but without your coaxing I would not have dared to do anything.”
“As I told you, I don’t think Flavio will try anything else. He will not dare to go public, especially while everyone can see how close you and Fernando are.”
Jarno sighed. “He could still tell Fernando.”
“Do you think that would be a problem?”
“I think he would be ok with the having a gay friend part, that’s not the problem, but I lied to him for years. I don’t know if he can forgive me that.”
“He fought quite hard to get you back; I don’t think he’ll let that separate you.”
“I hope so. Hey, I got to see him dance, and salsa no less.”
Another set of laughter came through the line. “I bet that was a sight.”
“Oh yes! I always love to watch him move, but dancing is the best.”
Ralf sounded more serious now. “Maybe you should think again about telling him your feelings.”
“If I can keep him as a friend I’m happy. I don’t need more.”
“You’re lying to yourself and you know it.”
Jarno sighed again. “Please, Ralf, don’t. It will never be. Don’t try to persuade me to do something I would regret.”
“Ok, you are right. I will keep my mouth shut, but you are not happy like this and I don’t like to see you unhappy.”
“I’m fine, … really.”
“Yeah, of course. Sorry but I have to go. My flight is boarding now. See you next week.”
“Ok, see you.”
Jarno put his phone away. If he was truthfully to himself he knew that Ralf was right. Seeing Fernando as a friend was a lot better than not seeing him at all, but it was not enough. The last evening had shown that clearly. He had to keep himself under strict control just to keep from constantly touching Fernando. He had loved the evening, but it had been a hard fight as well. Someday he probably had to choose between letting go and trying to get it all just to keep his sanity. He feared the outcome of that choice.
Grand Prix of Turkey, Saturday
The two Toyota drivers sat in the motor home eating a light lunch before the first qualifying when suddenly Tomita called Jarno into his office. Jarno went over with a sinking feeling, Ralf right at his heels. The team chief just gestured Jarno over to the phone on his desk.
“Si?” The Italian listened for a moment getting as white as the wall behind him.
“What happened?” Jarno’s voice was shaking badly.
“What do they do now?” There was another pause.
“Call me if something happens, ok? Ciao.”
Jarno put the receiver down and looked at the two other men.
“That was my father. He found my mother unconscious in the kitchen this morning. They are at the hospital now and they will keep her there for observation and doing some tests, but she seems to be ok now. They can’t say what happened yet.” He had sat down during summarizing the conversation with his father.
“Do you want to go there?” The team chief surprised both his drivers with the question.
Jarno contemplated it for a moment. “No, she’s stable now and Dad would call me if that changed. I’ll take the first flight after the race.”
Tomita nodded thoughtfully. “Ok, it’s your choice. If needs be, you are free to go. Now try to concentrate on the qualifying.”
The two drivers went back to their lunch but neither ate anymore.
“Are you sure that’s the right decision?” Ralf looked at Jarno questioning.
“I hope so. I could do nothing there at the moment and she is not in immediate danger.”
Ralf put a hand on Jarno’s shoulder. “She will be ok.”
Jarno gave him a thankful half smile.
The qualifying was long over. He had answered standard questions to half a dozen journalists and now Fernando was glad to get out of it for a while. The three weeks of free time before him seemed like a blessing, but today he was doing something even better. He was on his way to meet Jarno for short dinner. On race weekend there wasn’t really much free time to do anything together, but he had wanted to see his friend in private before the summer break.
They had nearly got back to being the friends they had been when still driving for the same team. In Fernando’s opinion only one thing was working against that, Jarno’s friendship with Ralf.
Fernando just could not understand why the Italian still spent so much time with his teammate. He had tried to make Jarno see that Ralf was not the good friend he believed him to be, but Jarno never seemed to listen to any reasons.
Fernando entered the Toyota motor home as he saw the door to Jarno’s room open and Ralf stepping out. The German closed the top button of his shirt and smiled when he spotted him. He waved a fast hello back then knocked at the door.
“It’s still open, come in already.”
Fernando frowned at the invitation but stepped into the room. Jarno stood with his back to him and was sorting out his shirts. He was only wearing a pair of jeans, the rest of his clothes were lying in a heap next to the small bed. After a moment he turned around.
“Oh, Fernando, it’s you.” Jarno did not sound too happy to see him.
“Are you ready to go?” Fernando tried to transmit his own excitement to his friend.
“I’m not sure I’m in the mood for dinner.”
“But it is the last chance before the summer break.” Fernando used his pleading voice. He knew Jarno could never say no to that.
“I’ll be ready in a minute, ok?”
Fernando sat down on the bed to wait.
They had decided to eat in Fernando’s hotel room and they arrived there twenty minutes later. Jarno had not said much in that time, but Fernando had filled the silence with chatter about news from his family and his plans for the next few weeks.
After ordering their food Fernando finally noticed that his friend was unusually quiet. In his usual manner he could only see one possible cause for it.
“What did he do?” It was less a question and more an accusation.
“Who did what?” Jarno had been in deep thought. He still was not sure he had made the right decision when he stayed to race, but he could not back out now without any cause.
“Ralf, what did he do to get you in such a bad mood?”
Jarno clenched his jaw. At the moment he was just not able to have this discussion with Fernando. At the start he had tried to argue with him, but after some time he had stopped that fruitless action and just ignored it. But today his nerves lay bare and he became angry over the unfairness to Ralf.
“What makes you think he has anything to do with my mood?”
“I saw him come out of your room when I arrived,” for Fernando that seemed to be a valid argument.
“He has nothing to do with it and I’m fed up with you complaining about him all the time. What exactly do you have against him?” All of the emotions he had tried to suppress all day came back and changed into anger.
“He’s an arrogant asshole and drives like a maniac.”
“You haven’t even so much as talked to him. How do you know what he’s like?” He had become quite loud but Jarno couldn’t help his anger.
“I know him well enough, thank you.”
“Listen to me.” Jarno’s voice had turned to a sharp whisper and he was shaking from rage. “Ralf is my friend too and you better accept that fact.”
With the last words Jarno had grabbed his jacket and left the room. The door closed behind him with a loud bang.
Fernando stared at the closed door in shock. He had rarely seen Jarno angry and he had never before been the target for that anger.
Jarno could not really say how he had found his way back to his own hotel, but somehow he found himself standing in the foyer. He checked for messages at the front desk. There was just one of his father telling him that everything was fine and that he shouldn’t worry too much. But Jarno knew that he would only feel comfortable again when he had seen with his own eyes that his mother was ok.
He went upstairs and fumbled with his key card and the lock until he noticed that he was standing in front Ralf’s door instead of his own. He hesitated but then he knocked.
The German looked surprised to see him after opening the door but gestured him in none the less.
“Jarno, what’s up? Did you get bad news?” The open concern and compassion in those words calmed him a bit and he let himself be led over to the small sofa.
“No, at home everything is fine. I just had a fight with Fernando.” It seemed he always ended up with Ralf after problems with the Spaniard. We could turn it into a tradition, he thought sarcastically. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t bother you with this. I don’t even know why I’m here!”
He tried to stand up but Ralf put a hand on his shoulder and held him down.
“It’s ok. You look really upset. Tell me what happened?”
Jarno gave him a small smile and fell back onto the cushions. He needed a moment to sort the events in his mind and Ralf waited patiently for him to begin.
“It wasn’t something big. I was not at my best today and Fernando accused you of being the cause of it. I always dislike it when he talks badly about you, but today it just got too much. I got really angry at him and told him more or less that he had to choose between accepting you as a friend of mine and loosing my friendship.”
Ralf was kneading the muscles in Jarno’s shoulder and neck to show him his support.
“Maybe it would be for the best if it were over.” Jarno laughed bitterly.
“Do you think you would get over him then?”
“Maybe…” Jarno sighed. “Probably not. I know he’s the right one for me, I’m just not right for him.”
“If he really thinks that he’s even more stupid than I thought.”
Jarno didn’t know how, but his hands found their way into Ralf’s hair and suddenly he was kissing his teammate.
The lips under his own were softer than expected and after a moment he felt them move with him. The kiss deepened and Jarno could feel Ralf gripping his hair. He moaned at the feeling.
Without breaking the kiss he began to frantically fumble with the buttons of Ralf’s shirt. He moaned again when he finally felt bare skin under his palms. His own shirt was opened shortly after and he shrugged out of the offending cloth as fast as he could.
He struggled a bit with Ralf until he lay mostly over the German, rubbing their nude chests together. They were similar in build, but Ralf’s skin was smooth and nearly hairless. The feeling of the hard, strong body underneath him woke a hunger in Jarno he had not known he possessed.
The erection that rubbed against his own and the steady stream of moans from Ralf made it clear that he was not alone in his desire. Therefore he was surprised when Ralf broke their kiss and tried to get his attention by pushing him away. He looked down, ready to plead not to be sent away, and met Ralf’s eyes. His pupils were dilated with lust and the hunger in them matched his own.
“Bed!” It was the only thing the German said before pulling him into a kiss again.
Somehow they got upright and stumbled together in the general direction of the bed. Fighting to lose shoes and pants on the way. Finally they reached their destination and fell down in a heap of tangled arms and legs.
Jarno woke to the gray light of early morning. It took him a moment to understand why there was an arm draped over his waist, but then the memory of the evening before came back with a start. He slipped out of the bed carefully and searched for his clothes. He got dressed in the twilight and left the room after checking that no one was around outside. Ralf did not even stir the whole time.
After reaching his own room safely he sat down onto his bed and buried his face in his hands. He had not done something as reckless as last night in a long time and this could complicate his life in so many ways he probably couldn’t think of at the moment.
He had come to rely on Ralf in a lot of ways and maybe he had destroyed their friendship. Running away, without coming clear first what that night meant to them, had probably not been too smart. It was just that even now he felt too confused to have a civilized conversation about it. He would talk to Ralf later, after a hot shower and breakfast, and after calling his father.
The madness that was a normal race day had them in a full grip and Jarno wondered if there would be one single moment in which he could talk with Ralf alone before the race.
He had talked with his father, and even with his mother, for some time. She had told him that she was a hundred percent fine and that she didn’t understand the fuss everyone was making. To hear her complain about hospital food and not being able to go to her bridge night had lifted a great weight off him, but still determined to take the first flight possible to see her.
After the call and a short breakfast he had felt confident enough to get through the talk with Ralf. He had gone to his room, but the German already had left the hotel.
Since the moment he arrived at the course, he had tried to locate his teammate and get him somewhere private, but he had had no luck. Either Ralf was very good in avoiding him or Fortuna was totally pissed at him.
He had only been able to see Ralf during the team meeting. Before that the German had been to some interviews and afterwards he had a discussion with his race engineer. Jarno himself had been called to an interview before they had been finished.
Jarno was becoming desperate, but he had one chance. He knew Ralf’s race routine contained a short period of mediation in his room in the motor home. Jarno hoped to find him there and hurried in that direction when suddenly Fernando was standing in his way.
“Hey Jarno,” Fernando sounded subdued but Jarno didn’t notice it.
“Hey Fernando.” Jarno was desperately looking on his watch. If he did not get to Ralf in the next few minutes there was probably no good chance for talking for some hours.
Fernando was a bit irritated by the cold behavior of his friend. “Listen, I wanted to say…”
He was interrupted by Jarno. “Sorry, but I have to find Ralf at the moment. I’ll see you later.”
Fernando was speechless and looked with a gaping mouth after his vanishing friend.
When Jarno finally reached his destination he was silently praying for Ralf to be there. He knocked on Ralf’s door holding his breath until he heard the 'Come in’ he had hoped for. Suddenly he felt awkward again; he did not know what to say. He stood in front of the door trying to find a good opening sentence until it was opened from the inside. Ralf looked out and smiled when he saw Jarno.
“Hey, come on in. What were you waiting for?”
Jarno followed him wordless inside, still searching for the right things to say.
“How’s your mother?”
The question brought Jarno out of his thoughts and into reality again. “I talked to her this morning and she sounded ok. I wanted… I mean… about yesterday, I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
Jarno had feared exactly this question, but Ralf sounded not so much heartbroken as curious. “It wasn’t fair to you.”
“I don’t remember complaining.”
The coolness of his teammate was getting on Jarno’s nerves. It seemed as if Ralf was deliberately misunderstanding him and he did not know why.
“That’s not important. I was upset and I used you. That’s not right. And if you thought that there was more about it. I’m still…” Jarno trailed of.
Ralf laughed once and then became serious again. “I’m not enough of a romantic to think the two of us would ever make a good couple. Yesterday you needed someone, anyone, I know that. You think you used me, ok, but then I used you as well. I may not have been as desperate, but I have felt lonely for long enough to take what I can get. As far as I’m concerned yesterday was a lucky exception which will probably never happen again, but I’m not sorry it did.”
Jarno breathed again and smiled shyly. “I just feared you would take it too serious.”
Ralf grinned broadly. “I could never win against a certain Spaniard in that discipline. I’m not delusional, thank you.”
“No, not delusional, just crazy.” Jarno now grinned too.
“You are so charming sometimes, has to be something Italian.”
“No, that is a family characteristic. You should meet my cousin; he is the true master of it.” It was good to laugh the stress of the last hours away.
“We better go back to the garage or Tomita will send out a search party to find his drivers.”
“We can’t let that happen, so lead on.”
They left the motor home in the best mood, still joking about nothing and everything.
At the drivers’ parade Ralf and Jarno were standing next to each other, their shoulders nearly touching. Fernando stand on the other end of the truck watching them talking and smiling while absent-mindedly waving to the fans.
It seemed Jarno had not only found Ralf, but had also forgotten that he wanted to speak with him. Fernando did not like that thought. He had wanted to apologize to Jarno and to tell him that he would try to accept Ralf. That was not something he wanted to do, but he was not too sure about the outcome if Jarno had to choose between his friends.
Juan looked at the brooding Spaniard next to him and followed his gaze over to the two Toyota drivers.
“Watching the love birds?”
The question shook Fernando out of his thoughts. “They seem to go along quite well.”
Juan laughed. “They are probably shagging each other like bunnies. Better be careful when entering one of their trailers or you’ll get an eye full!” With that he turned his attention back to his fans.
Fernando stared at the back of Juan’s head in shock. Then he turned his gaze back to Jarno and Ralf. The Italian tried to say something to his teammate against the noise of a group of enthusiastic Ferrari fans. He had put a hand on Ralf’s shoulder to get closer to his ear. The gesture looked so intimate that Fernando wondered how he could have missed that before. He felt like he had been punched into the stomach. The knuckles of his hand that gripped the railing went white with the strength he was using. With great difficulties he tore his gaze away from the two men and tried to calm himself with deep breathing.
The race did not go well for Jarno. Practically from the start he had problems with his gearbox, he was loosing one gear every couple of laps. After only a third of the race he had to bring the car into the garage, because it was stuck in second.
When he left the car he was partly disappointed and partly happy. Tomita came over to him and apologized for the failure of the car. He also asked him if they should change his flight. Jarno just nodded thankfully and jogged to the shower.
While the rest of the field finished the race he was on his way to the airport.
Normally Fernando thought of interviews as an inevitable part of his job and there had even been some during which he had had fun. Most of those he had done together with Jarno. Today he wished he could get away from the journalists. He could not concentrate on their questions and gave only the shortest answers possible.
During the race he had been able to forget Juan’s implication, but now it was hitting him full force again. He had to talk to Jarno. In the turmoil of his feelings and thoughts he did not even knew exactly what he would ask or say. He just knew that there was a part of Jarno his friend had never told him about.
He felt betrayed and angry. He had thought he knew Jarno better than most others, but now he could not even say if Jarno would tell him the truth on a direct question. If he lied to him in that moment, it would not only hurt like hell, but it would be the end of their friendship and he feared that possibility.
The stream of people who wanted to talk to him seemed to have no end, but thankfully there was an end to everything. He was over at the Toyota motor home the first opportunity he got, but the Italian was not there. He went to their garage and was told by the mechanics there that Jarno had already left the course. The next thing he tried was Jarno’s cell phone, but it was either out of reach or turned off. He went back to the Renault motor home to get his belongings and to say goodbye to the team for the summer break.
He had some difficulties getting his driver to take him to Jarno’s hotel. The intensity had decreased but Flavio and most of the team with him still did as much as possible to keep him away from his friend. Even now it needed the threat of taking a cab later to show the driver the fruitlessness of his refusal. They still arrived at the hotel a lot later than Fernando had hoped.
He was on his way to the front desk when the doors of the elevator opened and Ralf stepped out. The German greeted him with a smile. “Hey, Fernando. Are you looking for Jarno?”
Fernando gave a half smile to the man he had wanted to meet the least of all. “Yes, do you know his room number?”
“He is not here anymore,” Ralf looked at his watch. “He’s probably in Italy already. If you need to, you can reach him with his family.”
Fernando walked back to his car in a stupor. Not only had Jarno never told him that he would visit his family, but he had also just left without talking to him after their fight.
Summer break, Spain, Oviedo
Luisa sat in her kitchen and cleaning the French beans she had gathered earlier for preserving when Fernando entered the room, going straight to the pot of coffee on the stove. Luisa smiled at the behavior of her grandson that was matching his father’s up to the deep sigh after the first sip.
“Good morning, Fernando. What woke you up this early?” She smiled again when he turned a guilty look to the clock. He knew that she had already been up for hours.
“Good morning,” he came over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“What’s your plan for the day?”
“I haven’t really made one.”
“Good, then you can help me.”
Dutifully he got himself a knife and a plate and began to clean beans. Luisa was watching him worriedly. The whole week he had been with them Fernando had been depressed. She knew him too well not to see that he tried to cope with a problem, but contrary his usual behavior he had not yet come to her to talk about it.
Since his birth Fernando had been her favorite grandson, they shared a deep relationship. She had always been the first he ran to when he hurt himself and she had also been the first to know about his first kiss and his first heartbreak.
“What is up with you, niño?”
Fernando looked up from his work. “I’m fine.”
“You are as far away from fine as the weather outside is from freezing,” their gaze met over the table until Fernando looked away.
“At the last race I had a fight with Jarno and he went away without talking to me.”
Fernando had once brought his teammate with him to visit his family. The intensity with which the man had watched her grandson had made her weary at the beginning. She had had some good talks with him and come to like the Italian after she understood that he would never hurt Fernando intentionally.
“What was the fight about?”
Fernando stared at his hands without looking up. “I don’t like Ralf.”
Since Fernando was racing in Formula One she had dutifully learned the names of the other drivers. She was the only member of her Sunday tea group who knew more than one driver by name, except Theresa Gonzales maybe, she had a thing for Kimi Räikkönen or as she called him 'that sweet Finnish boy’.
“Why do you dislike Jarno’s new teammate?”
Making the right connection brought her an approving look from Fernando.
“He’s just unlikable, arrogant and egoistic.” With each adjective he cut a chunk from the bean he was cleaning that would have been perfectly good to eat.
“And why were you and Jarno fighting about someone this unpleasant?” It seemed it would be hard work to get the whole story out of her grandson.
Fernando sighed. “Jarno and Ralf have become friends since they’re teammates and Jarno thinks I can’t accept that.”
Luisa kept cleaning beans in silence until Fernando continued. “Flavio doesn’t like that I’m still friends with Jarno and it’s really hard to find time to meet him and when I do he has no time because he has plans with Ralf.”
It was a hard fight for Luisa to keep her face straight. Fernando sounded just too much like his five year old self. She suspected that she knew the core of Fernando’s problem, but to just tell him that he was jealous wouldn’t work. Fernando believed things better when he found them out for himself.
“So, you don’t like that Jarno has another friend.”
From under her lashes she could see Fernando looking at her, ready to defend himself, but it seemed he didn’t find any usable arguments. Then he suddenly burst out, “Juan says they are shagging like bunnies.”
She looked up with a disapproving face. “I do not allow such language in my kitchen, Fernando,” it was good to see that her sharp tone could still make him cringe.
There was a pause in which only the chopping noises of the knives were filling the air.
“Do you think they are a couple?”
The question would have caused Fernando a cut in his finger if he had not put his knife away just a moment before.
“Don’t look at me like that, young man, I’m not too old to be open-minded.”
There were two possibilities, Juan’s interpretation of the situation between Jarno and Ralf was right or that noisy Columbian was seeing too much in something harmless. If Fernando’s feelings for his friend were as deep as she suspected, she hoped for the later. At least Fernando had noticed that Jarno’s interest was more focused on the male part of humanity.
“You have not answered my question yet. Do you think they are a couple?”
Fernando took up his knife again and continued to clean beans. “I think they are. Before our fight, I saw Ralf walk out of Jarno’s room and when I went inside Jarno was nearly unclothed, he was not even wearing a shirt.”
That could of course be a bad sign, but on the other hand risking being caught while doing something reckless in such a public place was not something that fit into her image of the Italian.
“And what exactly is it you can not accept about that? That Jarno has a better friend than you, that this friend is a man or that it is Ralf?”
Fernando looked at her and opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again without saying anything.
She waited for sometime, but he was still not answering her question. “You should go outside, I can do the rest on my own.”
She watched, smiling how he put the used knife and plate into the sink and took an apple from the basket next to it. “Be back for dinner, niño.”
He just nodded for an answer then he left through the kitchen door into the garden.
Luisa looked after him. She knew where he would be going. He had a lot to think about and he did difficult thinking the best in his hiding place. She just hoped he would come to the right conclusions.
The rough coast of Candas was as beautiful as always. Up here Fernando could hear the waves breaking at the cliff beneath him. Their sound mixed with the wind and the cries of the seagulls to a symphony that always helped him think. He sat in the high grass and looked over the sea.
He had come here to think things through. He was irritated that he could not find an answer to his grandmother’s last question. Until she had asked he had not known how sure he had become that Jarno and Ralf were indeed a couple. He had just not thought about it.
He did not like the thought. He felt left out and superfluous and ashamed. He had made Jarno’s life a lot more difficult than it had to be. It had to be hard to listen to the rants of your best friend about how worthless your lover is. If he was still counted as a friend. No wonder Jarno had been so mad at him.
Fernando now was absolutely sure that he would loose Jarno if he did not came to terms with Ralf. He had to try, no, he had to make it work.
But there was still the question that was irritating him the most. He did not like Ralf, that was for sure, but was it just him or was it really the fact that he was a guy? Fernando had thought that he had no prejudice against homosexuality.
He decided to make a little experiment to get clear. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Jarno kissing somebody. He had seen him kiss his girlfriend once and he tried to bring that memory back. He remembered that he had stood next to them and watched them kiss. He had noticed how her hands had cupped Jarno’s neck, the movements in Jarno’s jaw, and the way Jarno’s breathing had become faster. Then he had also felt left out, but it hadn’t been as bad.
He tried to change the image in his head and put Ralf in her place, but his mind refused to work with him. Than he remembered how the two of them had stood next to each other during the last drivers parade, their faces close to be able to talk over the sound of the crowd. If one of them had just turned their face a little bit…
His imagination took over at this moment and presented the scene to him in full color and surround sound. In his fantasy Jarno turned his head and his lips found Ralf’s. They closed the gap between them, their hands roaming over the other’s body, kissing until they both were panting.
Fernando opened his eyes abruptly, his hands grabbing the grass around him to get himself back to reality. The strength of his feelings surprised him. Even knowing that it had never happened he still wanted to run over to them and pull them apart.
It maybe had never happened like that, but he was sure behind closed doors there had been scenes like that. The white, hot pain burning in his stomach that thought brought with it only faded slowly through some breathing exercises.
Fernando lay down and watched the clouds above him for a while until the impulse to go and beat Ralf into a bloody pulp had receded. He had never thought of himself as violent, but in that moment he could have had inflicted serious pain quite happily.
The familiar, idyllic surroundings calmed him and after a while he decided to go on with his test. Would he react as strongly if he thought of Jarno kissing another man? He thought for a while about who could be a possible someone and decided that Franck would be usable. Jarno and he had gone along well enough and Fernando had quite a lot of memories of moments the three of them had been fooling around. One of them had to be as usable as the memory of Ralf and Jarno.
He closed his eyes again and began with a memory of a photo shoot at the beach. They’d all had a lot of fun then. After the shooting was over Jarno had put some sand on Franck’s head. Franck had gone after Jarno and they had chased each other like little children. They had ended up as a rolling ball of tangled limbs covered from head to foot in sand. If Jarno had not stood up and helped Franck to his feet, but had put a hand on Franck’s chest and…
His mind, once again totally unhelpful, showed him how Jarno started to tickle Franck until tears were running down the Frenchman’s face.
Fernando frowned and tried it again with another memory, but it would not work. After the tenth try he gave up. He just could not see Jarno kissing Franck. Ok, he needed someone else then. Someone Jarno had spent time with and whom he knew quite well. The only one that came to Fernando’s mind was he himself, but that was not helpful in any way.
He tried another approach. He would just use an anonymous male someone and see how that worked.
Without a real memory he started with finding a fitting place, somewhere romantic. A beach with no one around, that was easy. Then he put Jarno there, the wind playing with his long hair. Now he needed someone to keep him company, someone to look into that deep, soulful eyes and kiss that sensual mouth.
Fernando could feel the silky hair between his fingers and soft lips on his, the touch of strong but gentle hands on his hips and smell the familiar scent of his friend. It all felt so real and so right.
“Jarno!” The sound of that name coming from his own mouth brought him out of his fantasy.
As if a dam was broken, feelings were flooding him. Fernando could not breathe. His mind was reeling from shock, but his body seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He was shaking and the sudden longing to be near Jarno was painful in its intensity. He closed his fists to feel the hair again, but he the only thing he grabbed was grass.
Slowly the shock ebbed away, leaving him with the knowledge that he wanted Jarno, not only as a friend but in so many more ways.
Fernando had always thought that one day he would meet his love. Now he suddenly knew that this day had been years ago and he had been too blind to see it. He had searched in the distance for what had been next to him all the time.
As sure as he was now that he had loved Jarno for a long time without knowing it, he knew that Jarno had loved him. A lot of things came to his mind telling him that one truth. He had been truly loved and he had thrown it away through pure ignorance.
Jarno had waited a long time for him, but now he had found someone else. The feel of loss was overwhelming. Fernando dug his fingernails into his palms to fight the mental pain with physical and curled up in a fetal position.
He did not know how much time had passed when he came back to his senses, but the sun was still up high in the sky. A deep mourning for the things that could have been was restricting his chest and for the first time he really understood what it meant to be heartbroken.
Slowly he got up and started to walk. He didn’t know where he went, he just knew he had to move, had to do something.
The birds in the garden were singing their evening melodies. Luisa sat with closed eyes outside the kitchen door listening to them, while inside on the stove the dinner was cooking.
She opened her eyes when she heard the sound of the garden door. As she had hoped, it was Fernando. He looked tired and sadness was surrounding him like a cloud. It seemed he had understood, but Luisa hoped the new found knowledge would not hurt him more than it could help.
He came over to her and gave her a small smile and a kiss on her cheek. “Thank you, abuelita.”
Than he went into the house to take a shower and change into clean clothes before dinner was ready.
Testing in Jerez
While he walked over from the Renault garage to the trailers of the Toyota drivers, Fernando thought about how it came to be that he was on his way to have dinner with Jarno and Ralf.
He had talked to Jarno in Hungary. They had sorted out the misunderstandings between them and in the end Fernando had promised to at least be polite to Ralf. When Jarno had asked him if he wanted to have dinner with him and Ralf, he had not dared to say no. He had still to prove that he would keep his promise.
It felt weird to knock at Ralf’s trailer, but to his relief it was Jarno who opened the door. Inside a cozy warmth greeted him. The two Toyota drivers had taken off their shirts and thrown them onto the bed. The sign of the two items of clothing made Fernando’s heart ache. It just looked too homey for his liking.
It had been weeks since he had made his decision that he would be happy for Jarno, even if he disliked the source of his happiness, but it was harder to stay true to that than he had thought.
He sat down at the table and Jarno and Ralf began to prepare their dinner. Jarno was telling them the newest adventures of little Lina, his youngest great cousin. The girl had just turned three years old and was as curious as she was fast. Fernando tried to listen to the story, but he could not concentrate on it. Instead he watched how Ralf and Jarno interacted. Jarno had told him the two of them cooked together sometimes, but it seemed to be a lot more often that it had sounded. They had become very experienced in using the small space in the little kitchen. They communicated without using words and worked hand in hand without even realizing it.
The stinging in Fernando’s heart grew. He was still smiling and laughing at the right points, but internally he pleaded with Jarno to look up and see through that façade.
Over dinner they talked about some rumors about the new rules for the next season. The food probably wasn’t even that bad, but Fernando felt like he could have eaten his shoe and it wouldn’t have tasted any different. It seemed like everything the other two did was only done to show him how it could have been. It was a crazy thought, but Fernando wanted nothing more than to get out of there.
He made it through another hour of watching the two teammates and pretending to be interested in the topic of their discussion. Then he made his excuses and hoped that Jarno would follow him so he could talk to his friend alone for a moment, but Jarno just smiled and wished him a good night while beginning to fill the sink with hot water.
Outside Fernando took a deep breath and wondered if he could get accustomed to the hurt that being near Jarno was now causing him. He hoped it would get better with time.
Ralf watched Jarno vigorously scrubbing the pots and sighed silently. To be near Fernando seemed to get harder for the Italian each time. To Ralf it was clear that it was only a matter of time before he cracked.
“Don’t you think there was something wrong with Fernando?”
Jarno looked up from the dishes and contemplated the question. “He was rather quiet, but he probably still has to become accustomed to you.”
If Ralf had counted right, the Spaniard had said not more than seven sentences all evening. In his opinion that was a bit more than rather quiet. He had suspected that Fernando’s behavior all season had been founded on jealousy, but hadn’t been able to tell if the jealousy was directed against someone he had to share his friend with or a rival for a potential lover.
Now he was quite sure it was the later. The longing looks Fernando had cast Jarno’s way had spoken loud and clear. It was just the Italian had not seen them. It was absurd that both of them were hurting when they could be happy.
“How much longer do you think you can go on like this?”
Jarno dried his hand with great care and than looked at Ralf with barely suppressed anger. “I thought that we agreed not to bring that up anymore. You know my stand on it and that won’t change just because you ask me more often. I know myself that it can’t go on like this forever, but I just don’t know what to do. So stop bugging be about it.” He had talked himself in rage and stormed out of the trailer and shut the door with a loud bang.
Ralf slowly began to wash the rest of the dishes. Those two guys needed help really badly, but Jarno was getting angry whenever he got near this subject. Maybe he had to approach the problem from another angle. But where would be a good place to do so? It had to be private enough to be able to talk about such a delicate subject but public enough so he wouldn’t be bodily harmed by an enraged Spaniard. It would be hard to find such a place but not impossible.
Grand Prix of Belgian, Spa, first Qualifying
Fernando could feel that his time on this lap was good, very good; it might even be good enough for first position. He had only a few more corners to go when suddenly the world began spinning around him. The directions changed their positions so fast that he didn’t know anymore where which was supposed to be. On instinct he hit the break as hard as he could, trying to get the car under control again.
The spinning changed direction and now up and down were exchanging their usual positions. There was nothing for him to do other than pulling his hands into the cockpit and hoping for the best. He closed his eyes steeling himself for the impact.
It all ended nearly as suddenly as it had started, the impact was a lot more gentle than he had expected. After it there was only silence for a moment. Fernando checked his limbs. First he tried to move finger and toes, than hands and feet, arms and legs. His knee hurt when it connected with the cockpit, but it wasn’t too bad. He finally opened his eyes and needed some seconds to recognize what he was seeing.
His car lay upside down, half on its side. He could see the gravel of the run-off area right next to his helmet. Fernando loosened the steering wheel and threw it away. He disconnected his helmet from the car, braced his legs against the walls and put one hand to the ground. His knee protested against the usage, but he bit down on the pain and unfastened his seatbelt. Using his second arm as well he let himself slowly down to the ground.
He was wondering how he would be able to proceed, when hands gripped his coverall and pulled him out. With the help of the man he stood up and waved to the cameras to show that he was ok.
A doctor appeared next to him and led him to the side. He answered all his questions without thinking, staring at the wreck that had once been his car. There was not much left of it, making it look absurdly small to be able to keep a man safe. Finally they took him to the medical car to bring him to the hospital for the check up. On the way Fernando remembered that he had forgotten to put the steering wheel back in the car, but he came to the conclusion that they would not mind in this case.
Jarno woke to the sound of someone knocking at his door. He looked at his watched and groaned. Nearly midnight. Who would possibly attempt to wake him at this time the night before a race?
The knocking was repeated. “Who is it?” Jarno was annoyed.
“It’s me, Fernando.”
Jarno pulled on jeans and a t-shirt before he opened the door. “Come in.”
He hadn’t seen his friend in person since the crash earlier that day, but he had been informed that the Spaniard was mostly unhurt. Fernando walked with a slight limp but apart from that he looked ok.
Jarno put his hand on Fernando’s shoulder. “You scared me pretty good today,” it came out much more seriously than intended.
Fernando gave him a half smile and put a hand over his friend’s. “I’m sorry for that, but if it helps, I scared myself pretty good as well.”
Seeing with his own eyes that his friend really was ok took a weight from Jarno’s shoulder that he had not been aware of before. Maybe ok was not totally true, because Fernando looked nervous and scared.
“I’m sorry for waking you up.” Fernando pointed to the rumpled sheets. “I have something to tell you and I just couldn’t wait until tomorrow,” he was stepping away from Jarno and breaking the contact between them.
Jarno waited patiently for Fernando to continue. The Spaniard was ruffling his hair, always a sign that he was really worked up about something.
“I know that I’m too late and it is probably not even fair to tell you now, but today… I wanted to wait and see how everything goes, but maybe if I don’t do it now, I can’t do it at all. And then you would never know and that would be even worse. Do you understand that?”
Jarno really tried but could not find any sense in Fernando’s babbling. “Not really. What are you talking about?”
Fernando looked at him helplessly and started to pace up and down the room. “I… This is so much harder that I thought it would be,” he came to a stop in front of the Italian and gestured with his hands, trying to find the right words.
Jarno still had no clue what that all was about, but suddenly Fernando grabbed his head and kissed him on his mouth. He was too stunned to do anything for a moment, but than at least his body remembered what it had to do. He kissed Fernando back, savoring the felling of those lips, the taste and smell of his friend. He knew he would probably regret it later, but now he was being given what he had craved for so long and he could not resist it.
Fernando broke the kiss and stepped back breathing heavily. “Oh God, I’m sorry, Jarno. I did not want to…” His hands were balled to fists at his side now and Jarno was steeling himself for the pain that would, without doubt, soon follow.
“I know you are with him now and I don’t want to cause you problems. I was too blind to see it in time and I have lost something I never knew I had. I just wanted you to know that I love you. I know you don’t love me anymore and you have to decide if we can still be friends, but I needed to tell you.” He raised his hand as if he wanted to touch Jarno again, but did not finish the movement. “Good bye, Jarno.”
Most of Fernando’s speech had still not made any sense to Jarno but one little bit had pierced his brain and made him react. He reached the door before Fernando could open it and held it closed. “Slow down a bit, will you? You love me?” Jarno couldn’t quite grasp that information.
Fernando looked at him and there was pain and deep sadness in his eyes. “Yes, I do. I have for some time, but I didn’t know it.”
The knowledge was slowly sinking into Jarno and joy was filling him. “And now you do?”
“Yes,” Fernando’s voice was hoarse from suppressed emotions.
Jarno put his hand at one side of Fernando’s face, moving the thumb over his cheek and lacing his finger in the long hair. “I love you too, Fernando.”
Fernando was shuddering at the touch and a small whimper escaped him. “But it’s still too late.”
The longing and regret on his face made Jarno’s high spirits sink again. “Why is it too late?” Fate could not be so cruel to give him everything he had wanted to just take it away again.
“I know about you and Ralf. He makes you happy and I won’t destroy that.”
“Me and Ralf?” The surprised tone made a little hope gleam in Fernando’s eyes. “We are friends nothing more, Fernando. I’m not in love with Ralf. I love only you.”
Fernando could not believe what he heard. His stomach seemed to jump up and down and he was shaking from head to toe.
Jarno put his arms around his friend and pulled him against his body, hugging him as hard as he could. Fernando grabbed the back of Jarno’s shirt and held onto him, burrowing his head into his friend’s neck. He could smell the familiar scent of aftershave, petrol, and Jarno and finally his world stopped spinning.
They stood like this for a long time until Jarno moved them over to the bed. He got Fernando out of his shoes and them both under the sheets. “Go to sleep now. Everything will be alright, believe me,” he gave Fernando a kiss on the forehead.
Fernando snuggled closer. He was tired beyond believe and he trusted Jarno, everything would be alright. He went to sleep with the sound of Jarno’s heartbeat in his ear and he knew he never wanted to miss that again.
The End.