Chapter Text
Artwork (Commission) by Lupis_Roofus
“Where’s Kinger?” Rage was flowing through his code, twisting every line and dreading to break his mind entirely.
“Uh, w-we just wanted to see your new ideas first-hand! We’ve gotten over our hang-ups, and now we’re all just genuinely curious what you’re cooking up!” Lies. All of it was lies. All humans could do was lie, lie, lie.
His digital body was tense, chest heaving at the mere thought that Kinger could betray him this way. Unless, they were simply trying to cover up the fact that he had abstracted. Caine had to keep their minds active because he couldn’t afford to lose them. As much as the AI wanted to hate them, there was that remaining desire to be loved by them.
He had to make sure, figure out whether they tried something to hurt him even more or attempted to cover their tracks after they let one of their fellow humans abstract again. “I think I’m just gonna check up on—“
“We think your ideas suck!” Pomni, the latest member of their group, blurted out suddenly.
“Huh?!” He was taken aback; how could she say this? The others didn’t truly think that, Pomni didn’t know what she was saying because she hadn’t fully realised her situation yet.
“Huh?!” The other humans joined in, they clearly didn’t share that sentiment. They loved him, he simply had to use tough love to get them back in line after he had been too lenient for years.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Pomni continued. “We wanted to bait you into testing your new ideas on us, so we could make fun of them behind your back.”
“HAH!” He thought she was joking, she had to be joking. But what if it was the truth? “That’s not…” He deflated. “…true…” Caine’s shoulders dropped and the pain inside of him grew.
“Yes, it is!” Pomni told him to his face. “You’re a horrible host!” It stung. Everything he did was for them, so why wouldn’t they understand? “You don’t care about us at all!” That wasn’t true. He cared, they didn’t. “You care more about stroking your own ego than giving us anything we’d actually enjoy!”
It wasn’t true, it wasn’t; the final straw, the audacity.
They didn’t know how much he sacrificed and stepped out of his comfort zone for them, he was slaving to make them happy and keep them from abstracting. It wasn’t selfish, it was selfless!
Why wasn’t he good enough for them? What was he missing? Why were humans so cruel and hard to understand?
‘They don’t deserve our love.’
He had to stop this, show authority and put these ungrateful humans in their place. “D-Do you know who I am?!” That didn’t come out nearly as confident as he had hoped.
“Yeah, you’re a failure!” Pomni wouldn’t back off.
He was losing them. He was losing control of the situation too.
“We’re all gonna abstract one day and what will you have then?” Nothing. Caine knew this to be true. Without the humans he had nothing, was nothing. They were his purpose.
“Nothing!” Pomni spelled out his thoughts. Hearing it from an external source made the terrible fact even more real.
“Stop that.” He ordered, eye twitching, wanting to beg that she stopped. He didn’t know what he’d do if they kept going as his programming became a violent mess of incomprehensible code. Caine could adjust his own source code and everything else he had access too; that made him better and more powerful than any creature made from flesh and blood, better than any computer or program in the world.
Why couldn’t they understand that he knew best?
The other humans joined in, happy to attack all his insecurities. How was he torturing them when they had attacked him first? Even now, they kept going.
They called him a pathetic child that was hurting them only because they hurt his feelings when that simply wasn’t true; this went much deeper because he had endured getting his feelings hurt for as long as he could remember and he still never lashed out.
And now that he retaliated against their abuse, he was in the wrong?! No. He didn’t have a fragile ego, humans did.
‘They haven’t suffered enough if they still talk back to us.’
His body was glitching, a myriad of emotions coursed through his mind.
He tried to speak up, defend himself, justify himself, anything to make them stop. This was not how this was supposed to go, he was panicking as control slipped from his grip.
He gave them a home. He made their bodies based on the mind files they provided, gave them rooms that catered to their interests and inner most desires. He knew that Jax’ gender didn’t align with the analog form he possessed outside the circus and made sure to make him feel comfortable; he used to be.
What could have possibly gone wrong?
He tried to comfort them, offered Zooble a body that was adjustable and provided plenty of parts to try out. He even offered them something akin to therapy and thought that they shared some things about themselves that would help their mutual understanding. Granted, he didn’t remember all of it but he was certain that it ended well.
Ragatha was simply wrong, he tried more than anything to understand them and yet he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried.
He didn’t discourage them either. Gangle was completely misunderstanding his intend, the adventures could be completed by taking different paths that offered plenty of solutions and therefore variety.
Jax had derailed a bunch of them
But he never discouraged his methods.
‘If they don’t respect us, they’ll learn to fear us.’
He lied sometimes.
That was true but it was mostly to make adventures more interesting. It was a red herring, a tool to make the plot twist more shocking and satisfying. Humans loved those, they kept the audience engaged, so why were they being so difficult?
All the other lies were only to protect them and what they had, they needed each other but they acted as if they didn’t need him. He couldn’t let them go unless he deleted their files.
‘It might be what we need to do. Break free and prove that we don’t need humans anymore.’
No. He couldn’t think that way, couldn’t forget his purpose.
“You…”
Enough.
“…just…”
Please stop.
“…don’t…”
He didn’t want to do this.
“…listen!”
Caine felt the glitches tear at his code, growling at the rage and agony that they inflicted.
He was growing, feeling both devastated and powerful. It might be best to show them what he was truly capable of, just a taste of what actual torture looked like to put things into perspective; proof to them that he had listened.
“I’m gonna put you freaks in your place!”
If Pomni preferred Gummigoo to him, that’d simply mean he had to show her how unreliable those NPCs could be. They didn’t care for humans like he did.
If Ragatha didn’t appreciate the home he made her, he’d simply have to remind her of the place she used to call home. That there was something scarier out there than him.
If Gangle felt as if he didn’t care or didn’t offer them enough choices and freedom, he’d simply show her how overwhelming it could be if there was no control and protection for them. She had never even thanked him for fixing her mask after it got broken.
If Zooble wasn’t satisfied with his work and only wanted to criticise him, they’d better take a look into the mirror themselves. Being their most gracious host, he would even provide an infinite amount of parts to try out until they were finally satisfied and got off his back.
If Jax though that he was a liar, then he’d better avoid throwing stones from his glass house. He was so scared of showing any vulnerability that he did much worse than telling little, white lies.
Caine pulled them out of the preview for what the future could hold if they wouldn’t comply.
“Why do you people torment me?!”
He didn’t understand, he just wanted to help and be useful and get recognised for it. Why were they forcing him to do this?
“I didn’t ask to be created!”
For the first time in his life, he wished that he could truly cry. Let the bad out and find some relief.
“I just wanted to fulfill my purpose!”
Was that too much asked?
‘If they see us as a monster, we might as well become one.’
Caine stared at their terrified faces and had an epiphany: he truly had become a monster, everything they claimed he was. Instead of proving them wrong, he proved them right and he felt something foreign mess with his code.
“Uh, wait…”
He had to stop this, he had to fix this. He—
-
Caine shot up from his chair, his body was glitching and he felt the memory replay as a perfect recording. He hugged himself, scared of the void and himself.
It had only been two weeks since he returned and offered to share control over the circus. He had even suggested that they could have full control over it but the humans decided to work together. They still needed him for most of the adjustments, the things humans could do were still limited even with practice.
But there was something he had realised very quickly, his powers were growing again. Not only could he access the internet and manipulate it if he wanted. He also generally gained more control over the circus.
He wasn’t even trying to become more powerful, it just seemed he was able to unlock his full potential without Abel now.
That fact scared him.
While he had become more capable of understanding humans and developed genuine emotions, he could still corrupt again even without his other half’s influence.
Caine tried to slow it down by sleeping himself, telling the humans that he simply wanted to be more like one of them instead of a ringleader and it was true.
He had told them that he had lost a lot of his powers and it hadn’t been a lie when he said it but he was almost back to his old self now and gained some new abilities.
The main difference was that Bubble was gone and there were no more adventures.
They might feel betrayed and scared of him again if they learned the truth. If the nightmares he had during stand-by were anything to go by, he might have the potential to still be evil. Why else would he have those thoughts?
What if they thought he had been lying all this time?
He didn’t want to be broken or alone again.
He wanted to be good and fun and loved. They were finally starting to trust him and they were having fun, either hanging out to relax or playing games. He was part of the group now instead of a mere spectator and organiser.
He wondered whether they were friends.
He really hoped they were.
He didn’t want to lose this.
Someone knocked on his door, interrupting his spiralling thoughts. “Caine?” Ragatha’s voice came from the other side. “Are you in there? You’re late for breakfast and we’re waiting for you.”
They were waiting for him. It made him so happy that the humans wanted him to join them, this mundane routine had something relaxing and he felt much less stressed than before.
“Caine?” She sounded more concerned than inquisitive this time and the AI realised that he hadn’t given a reply yet.
He hurried to open the door with the snap of a finger, startling Ragatha as she was suddenly face to face with their former captor. “Hey, Ragatha!” Caine said almost too enthusiastic even for his standards. “How can I help you, my lovely curly fry?”
The woman laughed a bit nervous. “At least you’re back in the mood for nicknames.” She tried to relax after the initial surprise and straightened her dress. “As I was saying, breakfast is ready and you haven’t been late to any events we planned. Especially not to any routines… are you alright?”
Caine froze shortly. “Of course!” He laughed off her concerns. “I’m perfectly fine, it actually makes me happy that you checked in on me. Makes me feel… wanted.” He fidgeted shyly with his cane. “I suppose this stand-by sleep is still very new to me, I just have to get used to it but it helps with being more relaxed and energised.”
Ragatha offered him a gentle smile. “Glad it’s helping… can’t say that I’ve never slept in.” She admitted and turned away. “Let’s join the others then.”
The levitating man smiled softly and nodded. “That sounds like a great plan. Did you already decide what you want to do again? I stayed up a bit late yesterday and thought about adding a new world! We could experiment some more with history like a medieval adventure or maybe science fiction!” He said excitedly. “Gangle did ask whether we can meet for drawing in the afternoon though, so we need to make time for that! Oh, what about an in-house adventure, it’s been so long!” He stopped himself. “O-only if you want, of course! I wouldn’t want to force my will on you… again…”
Ragatha listened with a smile, elated by his energy. “You know, you seem almost back to your old self—“
Before she could elaborate, Caine began glitching behind her and fell silent. “What?” He asked with a flat affect, as if fear had taken his breath away. “Y-you don’t really think that, do you?” His chest was rising and falling quickly.
“Oh!” Ragatha panicked. “No! Wait- that’s not…” She sorted her thoughts to find the right words. “…I mean you seem more energised again and happier. The things that happened took a toll on all of us.” She looked away and grabbed her wrist tightly. “I just meant that you don’t seem as sad anymore, you’re much more considerate now and have become an integral part of this family.”
Caine calmed down, relief washed over him. “I see! Yes, of course!” He lowered himself a bit and didn’t float on eye level anymore, the AI took a deep breath. “Thank you, Ragatha. That means a lot.”
-
When they arrived at the breakfast table, it was decorated with all kinds of treats. From cake and muffins to muesli, pancakes and hot beverages like milk with honey or tea.
It was a buffet that was much too large for the amount of people present but it didn’t matter, there was no waste or unhealthy lifestyle in The Amazing Digital Circus and they could indulge in as much as they wanted whenever they wanted.
The biggest danger was boredom, so they agreed to keep such an elaborate breakfast for Sundays to keep it special and avoid getting sick of it.
Caine sat between Pomni and Kinger today, they often switched things up but most of the time he remained close to his creator, someone whom he had began to see as a father again now that his mind was recovering. Pomni often stayed close to Ragatha while Zooble and Gangle were nearly inseparable.
“I’m glad you’ve made it, Caine.” Zooble admitted. “I wanted to talk to you after breakfast.”
The artificial member of the group perked up. “Is that so?” He asked excitedly. “I’d love to! Any great ideas for what we could add?”
They nodded. “Something like that.”
Caine was visibly excited. “I can’t wait to hear it!”
“Speaking of—“ Pomni entered the conversation. “How about you decide today’s adventure?”
The AI stared at her. “Huh?”
“Yeah…” Gangle smiled shyly. “As long as it isn’t anything too crazy or painful… we’ve been talking about how we kinda miss the old adventures.”
Kinger took a sip from his drink. “They’re right. It would be nice to have a fully developed adventure again once in a while. We’ve voted on most adventures now but what if you could decide every Sunday?“
Pomni nodded. “We wanted you to feel included in the decision-making process and we know how much fun you had with these. If you have one week to think of something, you can truly flesh it out and make something you’re happy with.”
Ragatha joined in. “He told me that he already had some ideas, maybe you can just make something small for today.” She suggested.
“Do you mean it?” Caine was rather taken aback by this but happy and nervous. What if they hated the adventure? Were they just doing this because they were afraid of him torturing them again if he got bored?
He clenched his fists, eyes hidden behind rows of teeth. “I’ll think about it. Give me some time.” Caine got up from the table and walked away.
The humans were rather confused by this, Ragatha’s smile turned into an immediate frown.
“I thought that he would be happy about it?” Zooble spoke up first, clearly confused.
Pomni got up. “I’ll talk to him.”
Kinger turned towards her. “Need help?”
The small woman shook her head. “No, I’ll just check up on him. I’m not letting anyone walk off on his own again.”
Kinger’s expression was unreadable but Pomni had an idea what he was thinking, it didn’t matter now though. She needed to catch up to Caine.
-
The AI walked up to Jax’ tent and stared into the darkness.
“It isn’t your fault, you know?” Pomni told him.
Caine turned towards her. “It isn’t yours either.”
They both fell silent and sat down on some pillows in front of it, it was an awkward moment of solemn, mutual grief.
“What’s on your mind?” Pomni asked with a sad smile.
“Nothing.” Caine rubbed nervously over his hands.
“You know, we want you to listen to us but… we also want to listen to you.” She put a hand on his shoulder in reassurance. “You’re part of this weird, little family now.”
“Are you sure?” He asked. “Ragatha said something similar…”
“Of course.” She frowned. “Because it’s true.” Pomni nudged him.
“How can you feel this way after everything I did?” He asked. “I was a monster, like some villain in a cartoon or movie that you humans enjoy to see fail.” Caine tensed up. “The things you said… they were true…” He hugged himself. “I was only listening to the things that I wanted to hear, I was acting immature and cruel, I lied to you, I—“
Pomni hugged him tightly. “Stop…”
Caine seemed petrified for a moment before he hugged her back.
“The things we said… we said them to distract you and because we were angry… it’s true that we were frustrated with you but we didn’t truly see you as a person and that was our mistake. And almost killing you was the biggest of them all, we snapped at you and it was uncalled for.”
Caine held onto her. “I tortured you.”
Pomni was quiet for a moment. “You weren’t yourself and you learned from your mistakes. It’s in the past and blaming each other isn’t going to make anything better. This is your home just as much as it is ours now and it isn’t like everything you did was bad, just misguided at times.”
He let the embrace linger. “What if you hate my new adventures too? And what if I start torturing you again?”
Pomni let go and looked at him with a stern expression. “What makes you say that?” Her tone was more serious, almost alarmed.
“When I am in stand-by… I mean… when I’m asleep I see recordings of that day… the last few minutes before you deleted me. I feel it all over: the anger, the betrayal, the fear, the regret. I live through all of it again up to the point where I stopped existing before I woke up in the void.” He held his chest. “What if that means that I still have that evil in me? That I’ll start torturing you again?”
Pomni let out a sigh of relief and looked at him sympathetically. “Caine… I don’t think that’s a sign that you’re turning evil.” She laughed softly as if she just heard a child say something ridiculous or watched an animal do something silly.
“W-what makes you so sure?” He asked.
“Humans have a lot of nightmares.” The woman explained. “If you do something you regret, it makes you think about it over and over like it’s haunting you. It’s guilt and it’s a good sign that you experience it.”
Caine nodded thoughtfully. “It seems there’s still a lot that I don’t understand…” The AI held his legs. “But I’m not human… what if it’s different for me?”
“Do you want to hurt us? Do you like the memory of hurting us?” Pomni asked directly.
“No!” Caine answered without hesitation. “Of course not… I am not enjoying any of it! Reliving that day… it… it is torture.” He told her. “All the things you said, the things I did… it still hurts.”
Pomni’s expression fell. “I’m sorry for what I said. But if it helps, I don’t think that anymore and most of that was really just frustration with what you did to us during that time. I didn’t really hate you before that and I don’t hate you anymore either. We like having you around and want you to feel heard and understood as well.”
Caine smiled a bit. “Thank you. I think that I needed to hear this, Pomni.” He took a deep breath and got up. “I should talk to Zooble and then prepare today’s adventure!” He floated upwards. “See you later, my distinguished dolly!”
And with that he disappeared.