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“Lu Feng, let’s talk for a bit, please,” Yichen asks
Lu Feng nods and pours a glass of wine for himself and a glass of orange juice for Yichen, ideas stirring up in his mind. Lu Fen walks over to him, hands him the cold glass, and sits on the couch across from him.
“What do you want, Yichen?”
“I want to explain things about back then.”
Lu Feng looks down at the floor, his eyes narrowing, and he sighs, “There is nothing to explain.” Lu Feng sternly speaks, “Just drink your orange juice. I know it is your favorite.”
Yichen takes a sip of the cold orange juice. The taste is a bit off; is it a different brand? Ignoring it, he puts the cup back onto the glass table in between them.
Lu Feng stares at him and slightly grins. Yichen sniffles before leaning back on the back of the leather couch. It feels exactly the same as when he last sat on it five years ago
“I saw you got married,” Lu Feng says with a growling undertone.
“Lu Feng I-”
“You disappeared for five years. I looked for you everywhere.”
Yichen holds his forehead, getting dizzy, and he takes another drink of his juice. He can't keep his head up, no matter how hard he tries. He passes out. Lu Feng walks over and stands over him, smiling.
Yichen wakes up in a bed. A rope leaves burns around his arms and list ankles. He can’t remember much. His clothes are all off. He suddenly pieces it all together and realizes what happened to him.
He takes a big gulp and starts shaking out of fear. Lu Feng wouldn’t do this, right? Denial fills his body, and his heart beats fast. The door handle turns. Lu Feng's shoes click against the floor as he walks in towards the bed. His damp hair makes Yichen realize fully. Did he take a fucking shower with me? What has gotten into him? He would never do that!
“You’re staying here. I'm making sure that you don’t run away from me anymore. I’ll untie you for now, get some food.”
Yichen sniffles and squints his eyes from the release of the rope. He stares at Lu Feng before he follows him downstairs. He rummages through the cabinet to find anything to eat. The fridge is full of leftovers. After he sits down with his food, he hears someone walk through the front door and kiss Lu Feng. Is it another guy? Who the fuck is this? He pushes the chair back and gets up.
“Mr. Feng, there is someone else in your house!” The strange guy yells
“Mh, don’t treat him like a person.”
The guy pushes him and corners him. Lu Feng runs over. Deep down, Lu Feng knows that he still loves and cares for Yichen. He brushes it off like it's nothing
“Apologize to the guest. You tripped over him.”
“No,” Yichen responded under his breath
Lu Feng slaps him and yells, “I SAID APOLOGISE.”
“Sorry.” He gives in and sits back down to eat.
The two guys start to kiss each other and have sex right in front of Yichen. Jealousy fills his body, and he storms off to his room upstairs. He curls up in the corner and sobs his eyes out. To get out is all he wants.
The same patterns repeat every day. New day, new guy. Always right in front of him.
Yichen can’t help but resonate with his old memories of Lu Feng. A heavy feeling presses onto his chest. He walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth and accidentally knocks over an expensive-looking decorative glass. Fuck.
Lu Feng is going to kill me. He rips off pieces of toilet paper to clean it all up from the ground and looks for somewhere to hide it. A single piece shines in the white light and catches his eye. After thinking for a while, he decides to put that single piece in the bedside drawer. He hears loud footsteps coming up the stairs and quickly turns the bathroom light off and closes the door. Fuck. The door opens.
“What was that noise, Yichen. What did you break?”
Silence. Yichen takes a deep breath and looks down at the grey sheets, tracing random shapes with his pointer finger. Lu Feng grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him up to his face. He can feel nothing but the back of his shirt starting to rip and Lu Feng’s breath on his face.
“Yichen…Don’t resist me. You know what will happen, right?”
Yichen nods but can’t bring himself to tell him. Lu Feng slaps him and pushes him onto the bed, ripping Yichen’s shirt in half.
He chokes him till his face turns red, nearing suffocation. The sudden muting of the room. All color seems to have been lost all his joyful memories disappear. All he wanted to do was discuss their past misunderstandings. As his body goes sore from Lu Feng, he spaces out. He feels almost nothing; he has never felt this numb in his life.
Thinking of all of the other men he probably slept with, all while he was waiting to be able to find him again, corroded his mind.
“Everyone I’ve slept with while you were gone. Was so much better than you,” Lu Feng pulls Yichen’s hair. “You are nothing to me anymore, just someone to use.”
Yichen tears up and pushes Lu Feng off of him. “Lu Feng…get away from me.”
Lu Feng hits him once again before slamming the door and walking back to the other guy downstairs. He stares at the ceiling. Watches the blades of the fan pass by over him. All of the thoughts of losing his mom, being away from his brother, just suffocate him.
He crawls over to the nightstand where to put the shard of glass earlier. He thinks for a while before opening it and pulling it out. He walks to the bathroom door. What is this feeling? He turns the bathtub handle and runs the water, then gets in. His skin now exposed, he grabs the glistering shard of the broken glass. He presses it down on his arm and closes his eyes. The moment it happens, he doesn’t want to stop.
Time feels like it has stopped. He hears moans traveling up the vent from Lu Feng’s room. When he opens his eyes, the sight of his crimson blood interests him, finding beauty in it. He is addicted. This is not the only way he can feel relief from the brittleness in his heart. He starts again. One after another. Cut. Cut. Cut. I can’t stop. He knows that he probably should. Lu Feng will find out sooner or later. Water starts to turn red.
This sight is completely new. He never thought he would see this. Thinking about how Lu Feng is treating him, he feels like he is holding on by a thread. He thinks for a second. What happens if I press down harder? His skin indents as the glass presses right into it. He hesitates before fastly swiping the glass against his arm. Once he opens his eyes, he is met with the yellow bumpy sight from his skin. He rushes out of the water, grabs a towel, and applies firm pressure to the new wound.
“Damn it…” He squeals
Drips of blood get onto his white shirt, but it is the only shirt that he has. He drops to his knees on top of the small fragments left on the floor.
“AUGH,” he yells
Lu Feng hears his struggle and rushes to his room.
“Yichen!”
“I'm fine…” Yichen pants
Lu Feng bangs on the door and tries to push it open. “Open this door now.” He yells.
“I said I'm fine, Lu Feng! Go away!”
Lu Feng hits the door once more before falling onto his knees and walking out.
The next day, while Yichen is sitting on the couch, another man walks in with Lu Feng.
Aware of this routine by now, he walks upstairs and leaves him alone. Day after day, it feels like that is all he has done. All of the overwhelming thoughts stop him from sleeping. He can only blame all of this on himself. He deserves all of this. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve to drink. Is all he can think. Day after day, he does without taking care of himself. Under his eyes, arken, and he forms an even paler complexion than before. When Lue Feng tries to feed him, he takes it and flushes it down the toilet right after.
Somehow, Lu Feng doesn't take any notice of his actions; he only pays attention to the new guys and how jealous he can make Yichen every day. All Yichen does is stare out his window and act on mindless habits. He stares at the scabbing wounds and the burns on his arms. Lu Feng ties a rope around him every night to make sure he doesn’t escape from his house. All he can really do when he is bored is just pace around, cut, or write in his journal.
“Lu Feng, why won't you let me go?”
“Yichen you fucking left me for years, i have EVERY RIGTH to do this to you. People who betray deserve this.”
Lu Feng clearly sees Yichen’s mental health declining, but he thinks nothing of it. He will be fine, right?
“I need more paper. I filled up my journal.”
“What happened to manners?”
Sigh, “Please”
Lu Feng goes through a drawer in his office and throws an empty notebook at him with a couple of pens.
“Use it wisely, I won’t give you any more.”
“Don’t worry I’ll only need a few pages.”
Yichen walks up to his room, his eyes droopy and his posture hunched, and throws himself on the bed. He waits till night for Lu Feng to walk in and tie him up.
As the sun sets, Lu Feng walks right over to his bed with the usual rope. He is numb to the pain of the tightening over his burns.
“Yichen, why are you so thin? I’ve been giving you food and water.”
“I guess I just burn it off fast.”
“Yichen. Have you even ate anything i gave you?”
Silence
“Why should I trust what you give me after you drugged me?”
“YICHEN-”
“Lu Feng, I don’t think you get it.”
“Get what?”
His face grows red with concern, and he scoots closer to him, wiping tears from his face. “Tell me, Yichen, tell me.” Yichen kicks him off from on top of him.
Why should he tell him stuff about himself now when he is forgetting his own memories by the moment? Why? He doesn’t even believe that thi sis the same Lu Feng from college.
He just wants his mom and brother back. That is all he wants right now. It's a long hug from both of them. He waits for Lu Feng to walk out to start writing in his notebook. He folds a makeshift envelope out of a piece of paper and grabs one of the pens. He writes "Lu Feng" on the outside of the envelope.
Letter 1
Lu Feng, I know you probably don’t want this letter from me but i felt that i needed to write one anyways. All i want is for you to forgive me for everything i’ve done in the past. I came to your house in the first place to try to explain why I left, but since you didn’t let me, I’ll explain now. All my mom wanted was to have a daughter-in-law. I needed to fulfill that wish before she died, so Zhou Lan and I got married temporarily. You can be mad at me, but I just can’t take this anymore. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about reuniting with you. I still hold all of those gifts you gave me dear. With everything that has happened to me over the past years, I just don’t know if I can hang on any longer. I hope that I am no longer holding you back from pursuing your dreams. When you get married, I hope that guy treats you well, and that you guys stay together and don't separate like we had to. All i can think about is how we used to be in collage. How we were almost glued to each other, conjoined at the hip. I took your camcorder to look at those memories one last time before I go. Never forget how much I love you, Lu Feng. Nothing can ever change that. It’s just i was always here waiting but you never came, and when I came back you pushed me away. I’m sorry you are going to have to see me in your house like this, but I’m locked in here. I’m also very sorry if i ruin any of your furniture, I know how expensive it is so that’s why I’m in the bathroom. Through all our ups and downs, my love for you has never shrunk. It is like a flame that I will make sure burns forever. I’ll protect it with my hands through the wind, and i’ll still do that when i’m gone. I always thought our story was building to something big. Turns out, it was just waiting for a quiet exit. Don't cry. You finally got the ending you deserved. A clean slate... without me.”
—-----------------------------
Cheng Yichen
My favorite little bro! I know this news will be very hard to process for you, but please, don’t blame other people for it :(. It is my fault for agreeing to marry her and moving further from you. I should have hung out with you more while I had the time. To be honest, you and your boyfriend make an amazing couple! I would love to see you guys get married and live together for eternity. I hope that I still get an invitation to your wedding. Mom, dad, and I will be watching over you and carefully protecting you the best we can. Fighting! I wish I could have one last warm hug from you before I go, but I sadly can’t visit you right now. Growing up with you has been the best thing that i could ask for and I would give to world to live through it again. To be honest, I think it was my time anyway. It seemed as if the world had turned against me. But you never did. I would always drop everything when I saw you upset or in need of help. Thank you so much for all of the sacrifices that you have made for me. Even though I sometimes bully and tease you, I love you. I don’t think that I have said that enough in my life. Not being able to hug you anymore will be a huge sacrifice but i’ll be hugging you in my after life, i promise. I love you, bro.
Tears run down onto the papers of the notes as he carefully folds them up and places them into his make-shift envelopes. After setting the notes on the dresser and writing the names on the outside, he grabs the rope he was restrained with earlier and his glass shard.
The bathroom door creeks loudly as he slowly opens it and takes off his slippers, the grey rug protecting his feet from the cold tiles.
He opens the shower curtain, throwing the rope over the support railing. He makes sure to tie it tight so it doesn't slip open.
The bathtub is freezing
When he ties the loop for his neck, he makes sure that it will fit perfectly, not too loose, but just enough that he can slide right through it while it is still tight around him.
Click. Unknowingly, his foot accidentally closed the drain.
The railing is fairly high up from the base of the tub, so he will be able to release his body weight and not just sit on the floor.
He slides it around his neck while standing up and grabs the shard of glass. The one with the beautiful designs covered in dried red stains.
Hisses escape his mouth while he multi-swipes his forearm.
Finally, he gains the courage to press down as hard as he can and swipe it against his already opened wound as fast as he can.
He looks down and covers his mouth with his hand to muffle his screams. He managed to cut past multiple veins and reached his muscle.
Blood squirts out all over the walls before he passes out. His arms are jerking while all of the vital oxygen is cut off from them. His legs slightly kick the side, and his arms involuntarily scratch at his neck, trying to free himself.
Minutes turn to hours before the sun shines through the closed blinds in the bedroom.
_______________
“Yichen! Come down and eat. I made breakfast for you.”
Silence
Lu Feng aggressively whispers to himself, “This kid hears nothing, I swear!”
“Yichen! Wake up! He knocks on the door, echoing down the hall.
After waiting for around two minutes, he opens the door. He finds that the bed is nicely made and everything is arranged nicely. But Yichen is nowhere to be found.
How could he get out? All of the doors are locked!
He searches all around the room. Under the bed, in the closet, and even in the most unthinkable places. Finally, he checks the bathroom.
A strange aroma hits him in the face as soon as he opens the door.
He isn't in here either!
He walks back out and sees the notes placed on the dresser and opens the one that has his name written on it in Yichen’s fancy cursive handwriting, the type of handwriting that no one else could replicate.
He reads over it carefully and tries to process what all of this is supposed to mean.
The tear marks become visible from the corner of his eyes; he understands.
He quickly rushes back to the bathroom, turns the light on, and sees a shadow behind the closed curtain.
He slowly walks over, and his hand trembles as he slides it open.
There he is.
Blue lips, pale face, covered in blood.
The clothes he had been wearing for the past few weeks are now a brown-red color. He falls to his knees and cries into the sweaty palms of his hands. “YICHEN”
The one porcelain shiny white bathtub is now stained in his pool of blood that was sitting there overnight. How did he not notice his mental decline? Keeping someone locked in your past lover's house while they bring in other people will obviously have bad effects.
Luckily, he knows where he hid his phone, and he remembers his passcode. He dials emergency services, then right after, Cheng Yichen.
Both of them arrive in no time. Chen Yichen doesn’t even want to go inside. Lu Feng rushes outside to talk to the ambulance and gathers the courage to speak with his brother.
“Lu Feng! It’s all because of you!” Cheng Yichen blames
Without reaction, he hands over his brother's note from his shaky, clammy hands, and he snatches it right out and reads over it.
He falls on his knee, and his boyfriend rushes over to comfort him. After a while, Yichen is brought out on a stretcher, covered with a white blanket that has mild red stains on it.
Cheng Yichen punches Lu Feng's chest over and over. No reaction. He completely understands why he is reacting like this. Through all of the years, it’s like all Lu Feng has done is break Yichen’s heart. Now he can’t anymore.
Throughout the years that passed after his death, Lu Feng has never dated anyone else. He visits his grave daily. Buried right next to his mom and dad.
He checks in on Cheng Yichen every once in a while to see how he is doing. His life is going pretty well. He followed what he remembered his brother used to dream of when he was a kid, starting his own tech company.
While a grudge remained against Lu Feng, he still accepted him into his life. They sat down and talked about how they were doing.
And Yichen got what he wanted, a special seat at his brother's wedding, front row in the same alignment as his grave was with his mom and dad.