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Thinking about wanting to just throw it all away.
Thinking about wanting to go back home to Japan.
Thinking that maybe I just don’t have the talent.
Wondering what would happen to me if time kept ticking away without ever making my debut.
It wasn't when the instructors harshly criticized me that these doubts crept in.
It was when a fellow trainee, someone I’d spent every single day with, left the company.
Goodbyes are painful.
But being the one left behind to cry and mourn the parting was still the better position to be in.
Because maybe, someday, I’d be the one giving up on everything.
And that terrified me.
What if my dreams never came true, and I was thrown out into society without even a proper education?
How many times had I imagined that exact scenario?
Japan is a hyper-credential society, after all.
The guy who left the company, and me.
What was the difference between us?
He was a great singer. He was a great dancer.
He practiced every single day, and he could even play the guitar.
He was hardworking, and he had a genuinely good personality.
Trainees who were clearly more talented than Hyui were leaving, too.
“Keep working hard, Yuhi. You’re gonna make it.”
It took so much time just to get close to someone, yet goodbyes happened in the blink of an eye.
Of course Hyui intended to keep working hard.
But every time those words were thrown at him, it felt like his heart was tearing to pieces.
Hyui woke up with tears streaming down his face.
A cold, sticky sweat drenched his back.
He touched the wet tracks on his cheeks.
The room was dark.
It looked like he’d fallen asleep on the living room couch again.
Fumbling around, he found his phone.
He checked the time—3:00 AM.
A sigh escaped his lips.
It seemed the air conditioning had shut off. Tomoya was supposed to have messed with the remote before going to bed.
Tomoya was curled up on a mat laid out in the corner of the living room.
Hyui padded over and looked down at him; the remote was right by his elbow.
But as Hyui reached for it, it slipped through his fingers.
The remote hit the floor, sending a sharp, solid click echoing through the room.
At the sound, Tomoya’s head shifted.
Moving only his head, he looked up at Hyui.
Anxious to break the silence, Hyui spoke up.
"…Can I turn the AC back on? Tomo, did you set the timer wrong?"
Focusing on the buttons in his hand, Hyui intentionally avoided looking at Tomoya's face. He couldn't bring himself to.
After a brief silence, Tomoya mumbled.
"Hyui-ya, is something wrong?"
"No, I told you, the AC went off."
"Not that. You."
"I'm hot."
"You're crying."
"I'm not."
"Your voice is shaking."
"I am not crying. I just had a bad dream."
"Wait… huh? Then aren't you crying?"
"Shut up."
He didn’t want to talk to Tomoya.
If it had been any of the other members, he could have just made up some random nightmare plot to laugh it off.
But with Tomoya, it made him want to spill everything.
Resetting the AC, Hyui lay back down.
But he could still feel Tomoya’s eyes on him.
In times like this, he wished Tomoya would just pretend not to notice.
"Are you, like… mad at me for something?"
Hearing those words, Hyui flinched.
"This has nothing to do with you, Tomoya. And I'm not mad anyway."
"But you're crying."
"Shut up. I'm going to sleep."
"Well, as long as it's not my fault, I guess it's fine."
With that murmur, Hyui heard the sound of Tomoya settling his head back down.
Their schedule for tomorrow and the day after was pretty light. That was probably why Tomoya let the matter drop so easily.
The conversation was over, but Hyui felt a lingering reluctance to let it end, a nagging urge to say something. He wrestled with it.
Tomoya could be genuinely supportive depending on the problem.
He didn't offer gentle words like Seita did, and he often acted like he didn't really care, but at his core, he always worried about others.
"Remember back when we were trainees…"
"Yeah?"
"That hyung who could play guitar, and sing so well… the one who was so nice…"
"Yeah."
"What went wrong for him?"
"Hyui-ya, we talked about this back then too, remember? I told you, I don't know. There's no point in us overthinking it."
"I know, but..."
"Did you dream about that? About the monthly evaluations?"
"No."
"I mean, I dream about the monthly evaluations sometimes too."
"I said it’s not that."
"Then what is it?"
Noticing the faint chuckle in Tomoya's voice, Hyui felt a spike of irritation.
God, he was so annoying. He didn't even know why, but he was just so mad.
Tears welled up again. He decided to stop talking entirely.
Tomoya would never leave Hyui's side.
If that day ever came, it would be when they both put an end to their careers in entertainment together. Surely.
So, he would never be left behind.
“I’m going back to Japan… but you keep working hard, Yuhi.”
He would absolutely never be told those words.
Because Tomoya would never give up before Hyui did.
Never.
Ah, it felt so lonely.
Why did he have to have a dream like that?
Hyui suddenly muttered aloud.
"…I want to do my best."
"At what?"
Hyui didn’t answer the question.
Tomoya pressed on.
"Hey, at what??"
"Shut up."
"You're so selfish, Hyui."
"Not as much as you."
"Are you just taking your frustration out on me right now?"
Hyui ignored the question.
"Fine, I'm going to sleep, and I'm not answering any more questions. So Hyui, don't talk to me. Got it? Night~"
Tomoya spoke in his usual playful, teasing tone.
It hurts. It's so lonely.
Oh, it was no use—the tears were about to spill over. His voice was going to crack.
Fighting back the tears, Hyui stood up in silence. He headed for the bathroom.
Who cares about Tomoya anyway?
Tomoya is infuriating.
Because…
He was always by Hyui’s side. He was amazing at dancing and singing, he was the leader, he was cheerful and fun.
Like real family, like brothers.
Like best friends, like rivals—like a mirror image of himself.
He was always, always there with Hyui.
He would absolutely be there.
That was the one thing that was certain.
If he stayed in the bathroom too long, it would look suspicious, so Hyui wiped his tears, steadied his breathing, and went to the kitchen. He drank some water.
He hoped Tomoya would have gone to sleep first, but as expected, Tomoya was awake and waiting.
Feeling awkward, Hyui decided to just go back to his own room.
"Hey, Hyui-ya!"
"I'm sleeping in the other room."
"You are mad at me, aren't you?"
"I told you I'm not."
"Stop wasting time and just tell me already."
"Just leave me alone."
Tomoya sat straight up.
In a flash, Hyui’s arm was caught in his grip, locking him in place.
Like a snapped string, the corners of Hyui's mouth broke down, and he burst into tears.
He snapped through his frustrated crying.
"You're so annoying! Let go of me!"
"Uh... okay..."
"It’s exactly what you said, okay?! The dream about the monthly evaluations... dreaming about talking to that hyung... I saw it all in my dream..."
Tomoya looked at a loss for words and stayed silent.
It was something that nobody could do anything about.
Hyui choked out.
"Why do I still feel like this? I already debuted! Why am I having dreams like this and crying over them...?"
Tomoya tilted his head.
"Well, just calm down first~"
Hyui threw a weak punch at the easygoing Tomoya, fully realizing that yes, he really was just taking his frustrations out on him.
After a moment, Tomoya spoke up.
"It must've been really sad. I see it in my dreams sometimes too. But it just shows how serious we were back then."
Because Tomoya actually said something good for once, another wave of thick emotion swelled in Hyui's chest.
"Want some ice cream?"
It felt like a cheap attempt at comfort, which rubbed Hyui the wrong way.
It was the exact same phrase Hyui used to say to his own little brother when he was sobbing.
"No."
"Alright. Then, what can I do for you~~?"
As Tomoya spoke, he leaned in to peer into Hyui’s face, which only irritated Hyui further.
"Nothing."
Tomoya let out an exasperated sigh.
"Guess I’ll just go to sleep then~"
Hyui smacked Tomoya again for using that playful tone. God, it was so infuriating. He was so mad.
Not at Tomoya, but at himself.
And then, finally feeling a sense of utter defeat, Hyui whispered.
"I feel lonely."
"…Yeah, that happens sometimes."
That detached, indifferent response was so annoying.
As a petty act of revenge, Hyui forced his way right into Tomoya’s makeshift bed.
Tomoya muttered some complaint, but Hyui pretended not to hear him.
He hated nights like this.
Nights that made him feel like there was absolutely no one to lean on.
He envied Tomoya.
But as long as Tomoya was here, it would be okay.
Tomoya would absolutely, definitely be right by his side.