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This is the absolute worst.
The father I thought was dead is alive. And not only that—I apparently have half-siblings too. One of them came to kill Granddad and got killed instead, and another killed Marcus.
And then my father—the man I was meeting for the first time in my life—almost killed me.
On top of that, Granddad’s dementia is getting worse.
I can’t think anymore. I just sit in my room, staring blankly into space.
I pull out my phone and stare at the number saved as She. The longer I stare at it, the more I remember her voice, her warmth, her smile, and it becomes unbearable.
Just three rings. If she doesn’t answer by then, I’ll give up.
That’s what I decide before pressing the number.
Ring… once.
Ring… twice.
Ring—
“Hello?”
I never expected her to answer. My response comes too late.
“Ah… um… I didn’t think you’d pick up…”
“Why would you think that?”
“No… I mean… because… my…”
The words fall apart as they leave my mouth.
Then I hear her take a breath.
But I’m scared to hear what she’s about to say.
“Hey, you—”
—I hung up.
Before I even realized it, I had ended the call.
Right now, I didn’t have the courage to hear her words.
I didn’t have the strength to endure them either.
Then my phone rang.
She.
Three rings.
Then the call ends.
——
I go to Slough House.
The room is a mess.
Glass is shattered everywhere, and Catherine silently sweeps it up with a broom.
Shirley glares at me.
Marcus…
Marcus isn’t here anymore.
Without him, the room somehow feels bigger.
I remember his face when he pulled me out of the storage facility.
The way he called me a teammate instead of just a colleague.
And now he’s dead because of my half-brother.
Then I hear that my father, Frank Harkness, is being interrogated by Second Desk, Diana Taverner.
What are the two of them talking about…?
What does she think now that she knows I’m the son of a man like that?
Noise began to rise outside.
Footsteps echoed up the external staircase. The sharp click of heels. The heavy metal door opened, and the sound of shoes reverberated through the stairwell.
That sound—it was her. Diana Taverner.
Without thinking, I looked away. Slough House fell silent.
For some reason, her footsteps sounded slower than usual. She passed the second floor and headed toward the third, where Lamb was waiting.
Her hair was shorter now, exposing the slender line of her neck. I remembered kissing that pale skin. The breaths she had let slip…
And just like that, I watched her back disappear.
The moment she vanished, everything overflowed.
The memories. The guilt. The emptiness… and the feeling of being trapped.
I couldn’t breathe. The sound faded away…
—Then I heard her footsteps again.
Slowly, I lifted my head.
Our eyes met.
Only for a moment, and then the next thing I saw was her back again.
The door closed.
I could hear her footsteps outside.
I was already running.
I threw open the door and raced down the stairs.
Her back stopped.
She said something to her subordinates. They headed toward the car, while she remained standing beside a wall where they couldn’t see her.
I braced my hands against my knees and took two deep breaths.
Everything inside me was a mess.
Just like Slough House right now.
What had I even wanted to say?
Then suddenly, the words escaped on their own.
“Ma’am… help me… Di—”
The moment I tried to say her name, she raised a finger to her lips.
I remembered.
No one could know about us.
She walked toward me.
I moved closer too.
She placed a hand on my shoulder and whispered into my ear.
“Come tonight.”
I looked into her eyes and heard myself answer:
“Yes.”
My vision blurred with tears, and I couldn’t make out her expression properly.
She turned and walked away.
When I returned to Slough House, my eyes met Catherine’s.
She looked slightly surprised.
Then I looked at Lamb.
He quietly narrowed his eyes and lit a cigarette.
——
That night, I headed to her house.
No matter how many times I walked through Portland Place, it always felt like I didn’t belong there.
Then I saw her house.
The lights were on.
I took a breath in front of the door and pressed the bell.
The door opened, and there she was.
As I stepped inside, my eyes fell upon the familiar photograph of the penguin pool.
I thought about my childhood.
The boy who wasn’t loved.
I had been told my father died in a car accident.
I thought my mother looked away from me because it hurt too much.
Even then, I believed my father must have loved me.
But he didn’t.
I covered my eyes with both hands.
———
She gently placed a hand on my shoulder.
I rested my forehead against her shoulder and breathed her scent deeply into my chest.
She wrapped her arms around me softly.
The tears wouldn’t stop.
I wanted them to stop because it was embarrassing, but they just kept coming.
“River…”
She said my name.
Just hearing it made something inside my frozen heart feel a little warmer.
She quietly led me into the living room.
When I sat down on the sofa, she brought me a cup of hot tea.
I took a sip and set it back down on the table.
She gently touched the hand resting on my knee.
“River… I know. None of this is your fault.”
That single sentence wrapped itself around me completely.
Ah… you really are unfair.
Whenever I truly need it, you somehow give me exactly the words I want most.
“Diana…”
I said her name.
Here, she wouldn’t stop me.
“Diana… Diana… Diana…”
I repeated her name over and over, as if making sure it was real.
She stood up and gently pulled my head against her stomach.
I pressed my ear against her and listened.
I could hear her.
Her sound.
And suddenly, unbearably, I wanted her.
I touched her, kissed her, touched her again…
Why couldn’t I stop?
The thought that I was the one drawing those sounds and feelings out of her filled me with an unbearable sense of satisfaction.
She said nothing.
I knew why.
She couldn’t.
Because of what I was making her feel.
And that thought awakened something cruel inside me.
We were both damp with sweat, and it felt as if the temperature of the room itself had risen.
Eventually, we both took a deep breath at the same moment and slowly breathed out.
I pulled her close with my left arm, while she rested her ear against my body.
Then, after a while, she finally spoke.
“This probably isn’t the kind of thing you say in a moment like this, but you’re nothing like that man. Especially not your personality. He’s smug, looks down on people, and cuts them down without hesitation. He’s calculating. Completely different. I interrogated him, so I know.”
Then she took a deep breath, looked directly into my eyes, and said,
“You’re on the side of justice. I believed you were still one of us.”
“Diana… usually you say so little, and yet somehow you always say exactly what I need to hear most. That’s unfair.”
She kept looking straight into my eyes without looking away.
“So don’t break.”
After saying that, she rested her ear against my body again.
I could feel it clearly myself.
Everything was calm now.
The storm inside me had finally gone quiet.
That’s why I can’t leave you.
Her gravity controls me.
Eventually the night deepened, and we fell asleep together.
For the first time in a long while, I could hear her breathing beside me again.
My lullaby.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d fallen asleep feeling this peaceful.
I wanted to hear her voice a little longer. The voice that only existed in this house.
But I was too exhausted. All I wanted was to fall asleep beside her.
My body slowly sank into the bed.
Morning came.
And with the rising sun, we become separated once more.
When will I see you again?
Even if I wanted to ask, I couldn’t.
Because that’s what we are.
That’s what our relationship is.
She woke up.
We ate breakfast together.
Then she said,
“About your grandfather, David… there’s a retirement home for former Service officers. A place for people carrying secrets on his level.
Look into it. I can make sure he gets priority placement.
After what happened, his life was in danger too. I can easily justify something like this as a favour for my former boss. I can make it happen.”
“Thank you. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to do. I’ll look into it.”
She said it was for her former boss.
That she could justify it however she wanted.
But I felt there was something else beneath those words.
I felt like she was saying she was doing it for me.
Then she got dressed.
By then, her expression had already returned to that of Second Desk.
She bit her lip, thought for a moment, and then called my name.
“River. About Harkness…”
“He’ll probably be released soon. I can’t tell you why, but we can’t keep holding him. It’s in the Service’s best interest.”
“I understand.”
I’d already had a feeling that would happen.
But more than that, I was happy that she’d chosen to tell me.
Her words from last night came back to me.
“You’re on the side of justice.”
That’s exactly what it was.
Harkness had tried to pull me toward him.
But I wanted to stay on the side of justice.
She reached out and touched my cheek.
“River…”
After whispering my name, she just kept looking at me.
What are you trying to say?
If it’s something like love, I wouldn’t mind hearing it.
“Because of you, I think I can make it through today too.”
That was my answer.
She looked slightly surprised.
Then we quietly pulled each other into an embrace.
She took a deep breath in my arms.
I pressed a kiss against her head and filled my lungs with her scent.
The time for this was coming to an end…
She slowly lifted her face and said,
“Be careful. Keep walking. Don’t look back.”
As she said it, she gently pushed against my chest.
Slowly.
Do you… feel reluctant to let go too?
Until the very last moment, until my fingertips finally lost contact with her, I engraved her warmth into myself.
The front door closed behind me.
I didn’t turn back anymore.
I simply kept facing forward and left her house behind.
I headed toward Slough House.
Lamb was already there.
Our eyes met.
Neither of us said anything.
The dusty rose of her nails, gently pressing against my chest, lingered in my mind.