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“Hey Zuko, are you hot?”
Zuko and Toph had been officially dating for all of two weeks. Shortly after Zuko arrived at the Western Air Temple Toph had asked him to kiss her. And, upon deciding that she quite enjoyed the experience, had asked him to be her boyfriend.
Now they were sitting together on one of the lower levels of the temple, Zuko admiring the view and Toph chucking rocks at things.
“Am I—excuse me?”
“Are. You. Hot? Are you hot?”
“I’m not—I can’t answer that question,” said Zuko, sitting up straighter.
“Aw, what, are you modest?” Toph dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper that could be heard from fifteen feet away. “Are you ugly?”
“What? I—no. I mean, I’m not qualified to answer,” protested Zuko weakly.
“Why not? You see yourself, what, like every day?”
“That’s exactly the issue! I can’t tell you if I’m hot or not. I have a biased perspective.”
Toph stood and placed her hands on her hips, looking down at where Zuko was still sitting on the ground. “You know what, I think you’re right. That’s very astute of you, thank you for pointing out the inherent flaw in my data collecting method.”
Zuko breathed an internal sigh of relief.
Toph stood still for a few moments before decisively turning on her heal and marching away. “I’ll just have to ask everyone else.”
Zuko scrambled to his feet. “Wait, what? No, you can’t—Toph!”
Zuko trailed behind Toph, trying to sway her away from this new data collection method, but to no avail. Toph marched through the air temple to the fire pit, which had become a sort of central gathering hub. “Listen up people, I’m conducting a survey! I need your opinions!”
The rest of the group slowly wandered over from their various tasks. Aang scampered over from where he’d been practicing firebending, Sokka followed, from where he’d been teasing Aang about his firebending, Katara put down the shirt she’d been mending with a huff. Hakoda looked up from where he’d been studying a map. He was growing used to the group’s dynamics and antics, and was curious what Toph was gathering everyone for.
Toph waited impatiently while everyone gathered, arms crossed, foot tapping. Once everyone was clustered around the fire in a loose group Toph dramatically threw out her arms. “All right people! I have an important research question that needs answering.”
She paused dramatically. Zuko shifted awkwardly. After she realized that no one was going to demand to know what it was she demanded, “Is. Zuko Hot?”
The group sat in an awkward silence for a few moments. Zuko looked away, face flaming, and cleared his throat. Then, to everyone’s surprise, Aang jumped up eagerly.
“Oh, absolutely!”
Toph pointed at Aang. “And why is that?”
“Well, I mean he just is! He’s great at firebending and… y’know? I guess I don’t really know *why he’s hot except that he’s a firebender, right?”
Sokka held back a cough, and Katara glared at Aang.
“What?” asked Aang, sensing the tension.
“Are you trying to steal my man, twinkletoes?” asked Toph, voice low and dangerous.
“What? No! Why would I do that? That would be mean and also really weird. Why would you think?...” Then Aang paused. “Did you mean temperature hot or attractive hot?”
Toph threw up her hands, glaring at Aang. “Why would I ask you if he’s temperature hot?”
“Why would you ask me if he’s attractive hot?”
“Because I’m blind! And Zuko said he didn’t know.”
“Oh, um…” Aang trailed off. “Oh. Yeah.”
“So?” asked Toph, still glaring at Aang, “Is Zuko attractive hot?”
Aang shifted back and forth. “Um, he’s, well… I don’t know. He’s not bad? I guess? I mean I don’t guess! I know! I know he’s not bad. Well, I mean I know he’s not bad *looking. I guess he still could be bad like bad *guy but I think we’ve kinda settled that argument and decided that he’s actually not a bad *guy so then in that case, um, no! Not bad! But as for like good, as in good *looking, um, maybe?”
“Is that a five?”
“What? You wanted a number? I mean, a five seems low, but…”
“Six?”
“What? No!”
“Seven?”
“No! No! I don’t know! Seven is kinda high…”
“Six and a half?”
“I said seven was high, not wrong! I don’t—”
“So seven. Moving on. You!”
Toph stabbed a finger at Sokka.
Sokka took a step back. He’d been enjoying seeing Aang flounder, he thought he was going to enjoy this “survey” a lot less now that he was the one being surveyed.
“What?” asked Sokka, holding his hands up defensively.
“Is Zuko hot?”
“Um,” floundered Sokka. “He’s, well, do you want me to give you a number too? He’s, well, like Aang said he’s not *bad looking.”
Toph crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, but is he *good looking?”
Sokka tilted his head. “Y’know, maybe? I mean his face is good, I guess. And he’s very good at fighting. So that’s hot. And he has that scar—”
Zuko’s head snapped up.
“—and scars are, like, tough and manly.”
“So eight?”
Sokka spluttered. “Where did you get eight?”
“All you gave was positives. And you sounded really confident.”
“No!”
“No, you didn’t sound confident?”
“No, I don’t give him an eight.”
“Nine?”
“No! That’s way too high! And besides, he’s not all positive. He broods a lot. He’s, like, insanely broody. In fact, I once saw a guy whose entire job was standing in a field being broody, and Zuko’s even broodier than that!”
“Sokka, that was a scarecrow,” said Katara flatly.
“Eight and a half,” said Toph, ignoring Sokka’s protests. “Moving on. You!”
Toph stabbed a finger at Katara.
“No, said Katara, throwing her hands up. Absolutely not!”
“C’mon, it’s for science!”
“No! I’m not participating in your silly little rating system!”
“But if you were to participate, how would you rate him?”
“Absolutely not! I’m not rating his stupid face!”
“Okay, Zuko’s face is stupid, that’s a negative. What else?”
Katara growled, folding her arms. “I will not be rating Zuko’s physical appearance.”
“So seven?”
“Where did you get seven?”
Toph shrugged. “Your only comment was that his face was stupid, which is bad. Like a two. But your heart was beating really fast, so that bumped it up to a four. And since you’re just biased against him that automatically bumped it up by three points. So seven..”
“That doesn’t—that’s not how that works! My heart is beating because I’m angry!”
“Something, something, you all doth protest too much, something something,” said Toph, waving her hand as if to brush away her protests. “Seven, that’s final. Moving on.” Toph turned, and her eyes landed on Hakoda, who had been following the entire exchange with a mixture of confusion and amusement. “You! Sokka and Katara’s dad! Is Zuko hot?”
Hakoda glanced over at Zuko, who had been steadily backing away throughout the entire exchange and was now pressed against a pillar, doing his best to sink into the shadows.
“You’re a good looking young man,” said Hakoda thoughtfully, meeting Zuko’s eyes.
“Um, thank you?” said Zuko, looking mildly horrified.
“You’re welcome.”
“Dad!” protested Sokka. “That’s weird!”
Hakoda held up a hand to forestall his son. “But,” he said, pausing meaningfully. “When it comes down to it, it’s what’s inside that really counts.”
“How dare you suggest that I cut open my boyfriend and see if his guts are attractive?” said Toph belligerently. “That’s gotta be like a three, if you think he’s so ugly that we should murder and disembowel him. Also, I don’t care if his guts are attractive. No one sees those. The guts can stay inside where the guts belong.”
Toph leaned back on her heals. “Okay, so that’s a seven, an eight and a half, another seven, and a three.” Toph pointed at Suki. “You! You’re last. Is Zuko attractive?”
Suki tilted her head thoughtfully. “Overall, I’d say so. But I’d say he’s both more and less attractive than when I first saw him.”
“Better and worse? How so?”
“Well, on the one hand he’s gotten more tan, so that’s a plus. He used to be so pale. And I don’t think anyone could have pulled off that ponytail.”
“What ponytail?” asked Toph suspiciously.
“Oh, it was terrible!” said Sokka dramatically. “He had his entire head shaved except for like one little ponytail at the back.”
“Hey, it’s not nice to mock people’s cultural heritage!” protested Aang.
“I’m not mocking his heritage, I’m mocking his hair. That hair deserved to be mocked!”
“Enough,” said Toph, slashing her hand through the air to cut them off. “Continue. So skin better and hair better?”
Suki nodded. “Yeah, the tan and hair are in his favor but he is a bit less…” Suki glanced at Zuko, “... muscular than he used to be.”
“Hey!” protested Zuko, speaking up for the first time.
Suki shrugged apologetically. “It’s true. You used to have more muscle, but now you’re a bit more on the lean side.”
“He got shrimpy,” said Sokka bluntly.
“I was on the run!” said Zuko defensively. “Sorry if I wasn’t able to stay buff.”
“It’s okay,” said Toph, waving a careless hand. “I forgive you for not being buff.”
“It’s not strictly an issue,” said Suki. “I mean, I feel like someone’s build is definitely a matter of preference. It is just something to be aware of. He was more muscular, now he’s less muscular.”
Toph tilted her head. “So six?”
Suki seemed to consider. “I think I would give him a—”
“Six it is! Hear that, Sparky? We have a seven, an eight and a half, another seven, a three, and a six. Which brings us to…”
Sokka was muttering numbers under his breath, brow furrowed as he internally added then divided the scores. Then his face cleared. “Si—”
“Seven and a half!”
“That’s not what it equals!” protested Sokka. That doesn’t even—”
“Why’d you have us do this dumb survey if you weren’t even gonna listen to our answers?” demanded Katara.”
Toph gleefully ignored them both and stomped over to Zuko. Toph looked up at Zuko and, placing both hands on his shoulders, said firmly, “the survey results are in. Question: is Zuko hot? And,” she paused dramatically, “the evidence suggests yes.”