Chapter Text
An intense practice for the Montreal Metros had just wrapped up, and Shane sat in the locker room trying to pull himself back together. He was usually the first one to hit the showers—there was something about sitting around drenched in sweat that completely grossed him out, and honestly, he figured that was a pretty reasonable reaction.
This time however, Hayden pike was quick to rush into the showers. He got all his gear off in record time, stuffing it into his black duffle bag—the man didn’t even bother folding his practice jersey. Shane noticed it, and while it briefly caught his attention, he didn't think much of it. He figured Hayden Pike had simply worked especially hard during practice and was feeling grimier than usual. If that was the case, rushing straight to the showers was completely understandable. Shane finished placing all his gear into his own equipment bag, organized but efficient, so he too could rush into the showers.
The moment Shane stepped into the showers, Hayden Pike hurried out. Now that—Shane couldn't help but find that strange. They were close friends, and while neither of them were the type to strike up a conversation in the communal showers, Hayden's abrupt exit felt less like a coincidence and more like an attempt to avoid him. An invasive thought immediately popped into Shane’s head—He knows I’m gay. His anxiety was getting the better of him these past few months. If Rose could see through his straight man act maybe others were starting to notice as well. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed inevitable that the people closest to him would notice sooner or later. Hayden Knows I’m Gay and he’s not okay with it. Shane’s thoughts were spiraling, what else could he think? His friend exited the showers slightly earlier than he normally would—obviously this means Hayden hates him.
Shane stood in the shower, scrubbing himself as thoroughly as he could. He was trying to wash away all the dirt and grime from practice—and, if possible, the thoughts crowding his mind as well. He hoped people couldn’t tell the way his breath went heavy and the way his eyes went dull as he was narrowly avoiding a panic attack. He needed to disassociate from these thoughts and just finish his shower, Hayden doesn’t know. No one found out you're gay.
When Shane finished his shower and entered the locker room again He quickly threw his shirt over his head. Shane was trying to focus on getting home, somewhere he could breathe—or at the very least, somewhere he could panic alone. As he was unwrapping his towel and throwing on his boxers Shane couldn’t help but look to his left where his friend Hayden was supposed to be. He left already. Something is very wrong. Hayden has never left without saying goodbye. Even when his wife was giving birth Hayden still shouted a quick goodbye from the locker room. It had to be something Shane did, there was no other explanation. Shane could feel the panic rising in his body. You can’t do this here—he quickly grabbed his bags and walked at a brisk pace towards the car.
The drive home wasn't particularly difficult. Fifteen minutes of mostly straight roads. On any other day, Shane could have done it on autopilot. Today, though, his chest was tight. His panic attacks weren't always the loud, dramatic kind you saw in movies. Sure, sometimes they were. Sometimes they left him gasping for air and fighting back tears. More often than not however, they looked like the one he was having right now. Quiet, withdrawn, focusing his eyes in a single direction as if moving them beyond the narrow stretch of asphalt reveals that there is a world outside of your direct eyeline. A world where other things were constantly happening, things you couldn’t know about, things you couldn’t control. His hands locked to the steering wheel.
There were rules for this type of panic, you can't move too fast, you can't breathe too much, and you definitely can’t look anywhere but straight ahead. You stay rigid and detached. Breaking even a single one of these rules would be just enough to rip you in two. Leaving you with tears flowing from your face and have you breathing like it was an olympic sport. It was always the goal not to get that point so instead you hold still, and if a few tears escape—you ignore it the same way you ignored your sexuality for years.
Shane pulled his car into the gravel driveway of his Montreal home, he managed to drive home with only four tears escaping. He grabbed his bags from the backseat and started to the front door of his apartment building. He was doing everything he could to keep it together just a little longer, just until he got inside his living room. How did Hayden find out? Why doesn’t he like me anymore? The questions chased each other in circles as he crossed the parking lot. The evening air was cool against his skin, but it did nothing to ease the heat building in his chest. His duffel bag bounced against his leg with each hurried step. Gravel crunched beneath his shoes. A neighbor nodded as they passed him on the walkway, but Shane kept his eyes fixed ahead, too consumed by his thoughts to acknowledge them.
He pushed through the building's front door and stepped into the lobby. The familiar scent of industrial cleaner and old carpet greeted him. Normally, it would have been comforting. Today it barely registered.The elevator was already waiting on the ground floor. Thank God. He jabbed the button for the third floor and leaned against the wall as the doors slid shut. The ride took less than a minute, but it felt much longer. The hum of the elevator filled the silence while his thoughts continued their relentless spiral.The elevator chimed. The doors opened. Shane stepped out and moved quickly down the hallway, passing identical doors and framed notices he didn't bother to read. His keys were already in his hand by the time he reached his unit. His fingers trembled as he fitted the key into the lock. One turn. A click. Finally, he pushed the door open and slipped inside.
Shane stepped through the threshold and quickly toed off his shoes, leaving them by the entryway. His bags hit the floor beside his Reeboks a second later. The plan had been simple: get home, collapse onto the couch, and stay there until his heart stopped trying to claw its way out of his chest. The way Shane's condo was formatted was with a connected open living room and kitchen design. If you looked out at the couch straight on from the entry way you would also get a view of the kitchen. Primarily his kitchen table, which from this angle looked like it was directly behind the couch. His beautiful wooden, mahogany, hand-carved table. His table. His table that was supposed to be empty right now.
Instead of succeeding on collapsing onto his couch as per his original planning, he froze. For a split second, Shane's brain refused to process what he was seeing. Then it did. Hayden Pike. His mother. His father. Sitting around his kitchen table as if they'd been waiting for him. The panic that had followed him home screeched to a halt, immediately replaced by a completely different kind of dread. Shane immediately tried to wipe the reminisce of tears form his eyes and tried tot look happy to see them. His eyes darted to Hayden. Hayden, who had rushed out of the locker room. Hayden, who hadn't said goodbye. Hayden, who Shane had spent the last fifteen minutes convincing himself secretly hated him. Shane forced his face into something that vaguely resembled a smile.
"Uh..." he said. "Hi?" He brushed himself off as if that would make him magically look so much more put together. He compressed all of his thoughts into a few sentences.
“I didn’t know you guys were in Montreal.” Shane said facing his parents then turned to Hayden.
“I was worried about you, you left practice so quickly.” All three of his uninvited guests stared back at him with what seemed to be worry. What the fuck this can’t be happening right now.
“We just want to talk to you Shane.” His mom started out. She was speaking excessively gentle. It was Gentler than Shane has literally ever heard in his life.
“We noticed something was wrong but wanted to give you space. But then Hayden was worried about you so he reached out. We just-” The pause in his moms statement felt way longer than it should have. Shane’s thoughts were spiraling while he was trying to keep his facial expression neutral. Hayden told my parents I’m Gay. They are hosting an Intervention to convert me fuck.
“We just want to know what's going on.”
A single tear flows down Shane’s cheek. Hayden immediately gets up and does what Shane is least expecting. Hayden wraps his arms around him and pulls him into the tightest hug. Shane stood there for a minute before returning the hug with as much strength. Tears started flowing down Shane’s eyes and he was sniffling slightly now. It wasn’t loud or eye-catching, but it was enough for everyone else to notice.
“Come on buddy, let's have a seat.” Hayden pulls away from the hug slowly as if Shane was an deer who would get spooked. While he wasn’t a deer, he still appreciated the sentiment in this moment. He grabbed the seat besides Hayden and sat down. He was across from his father who gave him a soft smile. Shane was trying his best to push down the ugly thoughts—They don’t hate you for being gay, they pity you. He tried to cleanse his mind and put neutral, non panicked thoughts—They noticed you’ve been anxious, they care about you, it’s ok.
“Shane, sweetheart.” His mom started. Now that Shane had the courage to look at her he noticed her eyes were glassy. She was definitely worried. Yuna reached her hand across the table pleading for Shane to reach back. He did.
“We’ve noticed you’ve been really stressed lately. We thought maybe it was because you were just hiding things from your parents, you know, that's normal.” She started with a soft smile.
“But then Hayden reached out and said you’ve been acting really strange even with just him lately.” Shane managed to keep eye contact with his mom no matter how much it hurt.
“You’ve been quiet lately buddy.” Hayden started causing Shane to switch his gaze to him.
“You haven’t been hanging with the team. Which is normal, but you’ve even been ditching me lately. I’m really worried here man. You're not acting yourself.” Hayden's eyes were now glossy as well.
“I think our suspicions of something being wrong were confirmed just by the way you walked in here. Hayden had a theory.” Shane's father started. Yuna let go of Shane’s hand so he was able to sit up in his seat and look at his father who was sitting diagonally from him.
“Is it something to do with Rose?” Shane’s eyes widened because well, yes it technically had something to do with Rose.
He put his head to the table to think about any way out of this, any way he could get through this without breaking down and spilling his guts. Rose was lovely and kind and incredibly beautiful, but she wasn’t a man, and she certainly wasn’t Ilya Rozanov. Thankfully last month Ilya and Shane got back ‘together?’ but Shane and Rose were still actively pretending to date for the news. Shane had been really stressed; this would be the nail in the coffin revealing Shane’s sexuality. Rose being the angel she is, volunteered to fake date him until she found a new boyfriend, plus it gave her an excuse to go on outings with Shane.
“Son is she—is she hurting you?” David asked, genuinely concerned. Shane started laughing with his head still against the table. His muffled voice came through.
“No, definitely not.” He picked his head up and still had a hint of a smile on his lips but his mom wasn’t satisfied with the answer.
“Shane I know you are strong but there are other types of abuse!” Yuna said before Hayden butt in.
“Yeah and you’ve been progressively getting more sad since the day you started dating her!” Hayden provided.
Shane thought about it for a minute. This is what they thought was happening? Of course Rose wouldn’t hurt Shane. She’s only mean to people who deserve it and according to Rose, Shane did not deserve it. And of course Shane got sad as soon as he started dating her, it meant things with Ilya were over.
“No no guys, don’t worry Rose is not like that I promise. In fact she’s one of the only people that knows why I’ve been acting so…unavailable.” He tried to put it into words but it still didn’t exactly feel very accurate.
“You can tell us anything you know, right?” David said making eye contact with Shane. That’s when the worry came flooding back into Shane’s stomach. Like a weight in the pit of his gut.
“Can I?” Shane’s voice wavered as it came out. He really didn’t mean for it too but it did. It also sent another tear down his face. Everyone scooted closer to him in a show of support.
“Yeah of course you can. Whatever it is, we will be here for you.” Hayden placed a hand on Shane’s shoulder pulling him in closer.
“Hayden, if I tell you this it will never be the same between us. I don’t even know how you’ll react. Just—I don’t know what to do.” Shane was crying a bit now. Not sobbing just tearful. Hayden looked wounded.
“Shane, can you tell me anything? You can tell the US anything.” He motioned to his parents and himself. Shane could feel himself breaking down. He’s going to tell them and then it’s going to be over. He’s going to tell the closest people in his life and if it goes bad, at least it will finally be over. He won’t feel the dread building in his body everyday when he wakes up wondering what the people closest to him would think.
“Okay I—I need you to let me tell you, without you interrupting me. I have never told anyone before and I just. This is hard for me.” Shane’s parents and Hayden leaned closer, nodding along. Shane ducked his head to the table leaving it for a second before picking it back up. When he started talking he wasn’t looking at anyone in particular, more like he was looking between the. He couldn’t look at them while he said this.
“Rose and I aren’t together—I mean we were at first. But.” A pause.
“That was before she realized I was gay.” He started rushing all his words in a line, he was scared that if he stopped he wouldn’t get it all out. He was scared that if he left even a millisecond of time to take in their reactions he would break.
“And I mean I really tried, I mean I really fucking tried to like her I just can’t help it.” He was crying now as he was spitting out the words he kept hidden for so long.
“I know this is going to change everything but just know I really fucking tried. We’ve been broken up and pretending to date for the past month or two. Shes a great person and also the only fucking person that knows about me. I was terrified this would be the thing that finally got people to notice. I mean you hear what they say in the locker room I can’t fucking—.” He tried to catch his breath and turned to hayden
“I thought you found out. I thought thats why you left so early, that you didn’t want to be in the showers the same time as a fag.”
The last words looked like it burned Hayden. Hayden immediately leaned into Shane and held him as he calmed down. Everyone at the table was crying, for different reasons then Shane, but it was clear that they all still cared for him.
“I’m so sorry.” Shane choked out. Hayden pulled back from the hug to stare Shane in the eyes. Both of their visions were blurred by tears.
“Don’t ever fucking apologize for that you idiot.” Hayden said leaning in a bit too close for comfort.
“That’s what has been killing you? Jesus, is that why it took so long to befriend you? You were worried I was homophobic? I’m the one that's sorry Shane holy shit.” Hayden started wiping his tears out from his eyes.
“I should’ve said something in the locker rooms. I'm so sorry. I’m so sorry you had to go 25 years carrying this.” Hayden pulled Shane into one more hug and the tears stopped flowing steadily.
“Shane baby, this changes nothing, we still love you.” Yuna said, reaching over to Shane.
“Well it changes one thing, We know not to set you up with girls anymore.” David chimed in. Shane had only just noticed his father was also crying. He was never good with words but Shane could tell his dad was with him. Everyone laughed at his well timed comedic relief.
“Holy fuck I’ve never told anyone before that was fucking terrifying.” Shane said leaning his head back down into the table. Everyone gave a couple wet laughs while Hayden rubbed his back.
“Yeah well is it a relief now that it’s not just you and Rose that know.” Hayden jokes and Shane thinks for a moment. They aren’t the only ones that know. Ilya Knows. Ilya is his kind of partner. He doesn’t want to lie anymore but he doesn’t want to tell his parents he's been rivals with benefits with Ilya rozanov since he was 18. So he decides to start smiling, unfortunately this includes a white lie.
“Well there is one more person that knows.” Shane picked up his head from the table and tested the words on his tongue.
“Oh shit does Captain have a boyfriend?!?” Hayden shouts and his parents look at him with hope and worry of some sorts.
“No no nothing like that.” Shane starts because well, no he’s not his boyfriend, at least not yet.
“Ilya Rozanov knows..” Shane states simply and that's when Yuna gasps. That's a bad sin.
“No wonder you were so stressed Sweetheart I’m so sorry! Did he threaten to tell people? How did he find out?” Everyone was looking towards Shane with panic, he wanted to clear this situation up real quick without mentioning how they often fuck.
“No guys no it’s not like that. Ilya is actually really nice.” Everyone looked towards Shane with disbelief.
“No I’m serious, he was the first person to ever find out. He says he suspected since the prospect cup but I accidentally confirmed it during our CCM shoot together.” He decided to tell the truth, minus a few details. He could fill those in later—well if Ilya and him ever become serious. He hoped they would soon.
“He told me about his friend back in Russia who was gay. It’s awful to be gay there as you know but um Ilya had to watch his friend hide and that it had been awful watching him second guess everything he did. He told me no one would ever find out from him, and they haven’t.” Everyone was very shocked by this new revelation.
“Well that’s nice of him, I wouldn't have expected that from him.” Hayden is the first to respond.
“You know what as long as I’m sharing secrets I might as well tell you, Ilya is like one of my best friends. We’ve obviously kept it private because the rivalry is good PR for both of us, and I do want to beat his ass on this ice.” He started, looking around to make sure everyone was following his story and not making disgusted faces.
“But we’ve been meeting up whenever we have games and we text each other pretty much daily. Which is who Boston Lily is by the way Hayden.” Hayden gasped.
“Ilya Rozanov is the person I’ve been teasing you about for years!!!” He shouted and his parents looked shocked. Clearly Hayden didn’t fill them in on Boston Lily.
“Yes, so please stop chirping about it. A) because it’s certainly not a girl and if it was I’m gay anyways and B) Because it’s Ilya fucking Rozanov.” All of them laughed together. Shane thinks the shock of the gay thing muted the shock of the Ilya thing which he is very grateful for.
“Got it Cap! No chirping about your second bestie Rozanov. I’m still your number one though. Especially now that I know your gay too, he has nothing over me anymore.” Shane could help but laugh at that comment.
“Can we meet him?” David chimed in with a soft smile.
“Not anytime soon, we really only get to see each other in passing when our games line up.” Shane answers seriously. He is not ready to introduce his family to his Ilya.
“How did he find out?” Yuna asked curiously, there wasn’t any malice or jokes behind it. Just a complete neutral question.
“What?” Shane whipped his head towards her.
“Well you said you accidentally confirmed it so I’m just curious how it happened.” Shane turned bright red, which was incredibly subtle.
“No.” Shane said praying this would end quickly, of course it didn’t.
“Holy shit.” Hayden said with a wide grin forming on his face. He found something to chirp about.
“No!” Shane turned to look at Hayden and pointed a stern finger at him.
“He totally caught you checking him out.” Hayden spat out.
“Hayden!” Shane shouted at his friend. How dare he start this conversation in front of his parents.
“Holy shit you think Rozanov is hot don’t you!” This was new. Shane was being teased about being gay instead of some random girl that didn’t exist. Shane still hated it.
“Hayden shut the fuck up.” Shane lightly hit Hayden as he kept laughing. Shane was going to have to get used to this type of teasing.