Chapter Text
TW: Noncon and Self harm.
"Izzyyy...~" Izuru was snapped back to reality by a boring- yet somewhat annoying- voice. He laid on the rough cot, stomach up with thick thighs squeezing his waist. Junko sat on top of him, straddling him as she talked.
"Y'know you're no fun!! Be more energetic Izzy~! Junko sang, leaning down until her face was inches away from his.
"..How boring." Izuru replied.
"Hmph." Junko pouted. "How about we do some activities that isn't boring~?" She leaned down, her lips centimeters from his.
"..You don't really love me. You only think of me as a tool, so what's the purpose of this meaningless play." Izuru sighed, twisting his head away as much as he could from hers.
"Oh Izzy!" Junko giggled, her laugh only adding to Izuru's growing headache.
"I suppose along the way I've grown feelings for you and your apathetic ways~ You always find a new way to defy me, and you always seem so unpredictable, and it's sosososo fun!" She grinned and kissed his cheek. Izuru had never felt anything except boredom since he was created, but in that moment, he felt something else. It felt like bugs crawling under his skin every time Junko's lips met a part of his body.
As she kissed him all over, neck, face, and eventually started unbuttoning his suit and shirt, he stared at the wall behind her.
Was the wall always that color? How boring. It was like-
"Kamakuraa!!"
Izuru was snapped back to reality as Junko frowned at him. He noticed his shirt was fully unbuttoned and Junko's fingers were at his waistband. "Don't go zoning out on me again Izzy! I want you paying attention for this~"
Izuru was created without emotion as a result of the surgery. He was taught without actual care, just pride from creating a creature that was amazing at everything. But as she continued with her torture he could feel a spark of something new. An actual feeling.
Disgust.
Hajime jolted awake, breathing hard as his hands shook. Why... out of all of his memories did he have to be reminded of that one? Was he just cursed to suffer forever, never being able to forget the past and always reliving Izuru's sins?
Hajime felt the bed shift a little, and he glanced over at the sleeping figure next to him. Nagito laid there, bundled up in the blankets, sleeping soundly. It would be a peaceful sight any other time for Hajime, but in his current situation, he couldn't help but stare at his lover's missing hand. A permanent mark from Junko's reign of terror.
Disgust filled Hajime. How could he be so selfish? Why is he this worked up about something that wasn't as bad as what happened to people like Nagito, Mikan, and the others? He didn't suffer as much as his friends, so why is he so upset?
But still, he could feel Junko's hands on him, touch him everywhere as she breathed on his neck. He almost laughed about how vivid his imagination was. How pathetic. The ultimate hope getting so worked up over nothing. It wasn't even that bad. He didn't fight back, even if he did hate every bit of it, so it must've been partially his fault.
For some reason, Hajime felt sick. Bile rose in his throat as he watched Nagito sleep without a care in the world.
How could Hajime be so selfish? Nagito had just finished recovering from his bad habits and illness, and now Hajime would screw it all up again with his stupid worries. Nagito was finally beginning to start thinking of himself as one of his fellow ultimates, just as worthy of love. What a harsh difference compared to Hajime.
Hajime wasn't worthy of love, of the leadership placed onto him by his friends. He shouldn't have anything that he has now. He couldn't save Natsumi, he couldn't save Sato, he couldn't save his parents, he couldn't save Chiaki.
Hajime got up from the bed, careful not to wake Nagito.
He made his way to the bathroom, locking the door behind him as he slumped over the sink.
Hajime stared at his reflection in the mirror, examining ever part of it. He was pale, eyebags dark and heavy from barely sleeping. Ever since escaping the Neoworld Program, Hajime had been plagued by memories and nightmares from before the virtual world. Adding that to the stress from taking care of his friends and all the work the Future Foundation had given him. He hadn't told anyone of course. Why would he? They all had their own pains, and they had suffered enough. He didn't need to drag others into his own problems again. He could fix it on his own. So he found a different coping mechanism. Sure it wasn't healthy- and Hajime knew it wasn't, but he still did it anyways. The pain he got from cutting his wrists and arms again and again cleared his mind, and he always made sure to hide it from his friends and especially Nagito.
If Nagito found out, it could cause him to spiral and start blaming himself again. Hajime didn't want that. He could fix all his problems on his own. Like he always did.
Hajime's legs felt weak as he dragged himself to the toilet, opening it and collapsing in front of it.
Vomit erupted from his mouth as he threw up into the toilet, his arms barely supporting him. When he finished, he felt heavier than before, like a new weight had been added to his shoulders. He noticed his body was skinnier than ever, bones slightly showing. His past scars and especially his own self harm were incredibly prominent against his skin.
He felt disgusted with himself.
Filthy.
Disgusting.
Pathetic.
Ugly.
Just a mess.
Selfish.
Disgusting.
Disgusting.
Disgusting.
Disgusting.
Why didn't you fight back? You could've. You could've killed her easily. You could've protested more. But you didn't. Junko was right. You are nothing more than her right hand mand. A living memory tainting your friends. Even Nagito winces when you say something too close to her. Just give up. Fall into despair. The King of Despair. Izuru Kamakura. And Junko Enoshima. The Queen of Despair.
How filthy. YoHajime?u don't even deserve to live. Nagito was right when you first met him. A uHajime!seless Reserve course Student. A ghost of the past Hajime Hinata. You should just give up. You should just die. How pathetic. H-
"Hajime!!"
Cold hands shook Hajime as he finally realized what was going on. Nagito kneeled in front of him, shaking him while pressing a towel to Hajime's mouth. With blurry vision, he realized Nagito must've picked the lock to get in. How worthless. Hajime just had to mess everything up again. With shaky hands, he wiped the tears off his face as Nagito's worried pleas faded into the background.
"I'm so sorry Ko..."
A little bit earlier...
When Nagito woke up to an empty bed, he knew something was wrong. Hajime never left their bed, especially at 2 am. Of course it was likely he just got up for a normal reason, like getting water, but something felt off. Hajime had a strict schedule, so him breaking it was unlikely. Perhaps Nagito was overthinking it. Still, something was weird..
It was his fault wasn't it.. What a useless boyfriend Nagito was. He- no. He shouldn't think like that. Hajime.. Hajime would be disappointed and tell him like he does, "Don't talk like that. You ARE worth something, to me, and all the others. Promise me you won't say that again?"
Hajime was caring like that. Nagito didn't deserve such an amazing boyfriend like him.
Nagito got up from the bed and glanced around, searching for any clues on where Hajime went. Most noticeably, the bathroom door was closed and the light seemed to be on inside.
Nagito approached the door, making sure to keep his footsteps light. He pressed his ear to the door, and immediately flinched.
Sounds of someone- no, Hajime throwing up came from inside the locked room. Nagito knocked on the door, lightly once, then more harder the second time. "Hajime? HAJIME?"
With no answer, Nagito fumbled for something that could help him open the door. He spotted a bobby pin on the desk, and quickly went to grab it.
When the door opened, Nagito rushed in and his eyes widened at the state of his boyfriend. Hajime was limp on the floor, hands barely holding onto the toilet seat. The stench of vomit filled the air. His eyes were unfocused, staring off into space. Nagito knew the signs of disassociation when he saw it. He knew that Hajime had been under a lot of stress, from the work given by the Future Foundation, having to play therapist with all of their friends while having almost no one to confide in, and just bottling up his emotions and pretending everything was fine. Nagito was a fool for not realizing it earlier. He was so so stupid for believing Hajime's lies and letting him fall into the same rabbit hole he did, but this time there was no one that helped Hajime like he did for Nagito. All Nagito could do was help Hajime the best he could and hope he could forgive Nagito for not seeing it quicker.
Nagito grabbed a towel and held Hajime's head, pressing it to his mouth and trying to wipe off the throw up. "Hajime? Hey.. Hajime? Hajime! Hajime!! HAJIME!!"
Hajime's eyes focused as he came back, his breathing quick and uneven. "Hajime, hey, it's okay, please talk to me.. Hajime- a-are you okay? Hajime please!" Nagito pleaded with Hajime. Having zero experience with helping with panic attacks, Nagito felt useless. He noticed a slight shift in Hajime's position, and saw Hajime's hand lifting up to wipe away some of the tears on his face. He watched his lover's oh so beautiful eyes- NO NAGITO NOT THE TIME- look around the bathroom slowly before finally landing on Nagito. Hajime's eyes fluttered once, then twice. "Im so sorry Ko..." was what he said before promptly passing out and falling into Nagito's arms. (Author- Probably urealistic, I know, but bare with me guys its danganronpa.)
When Hajime came to, he found himself in Nagito's arms on their bed, leaning against his chest while they were both sitting up.
"Nagi-"
"Shh."
Nagito quickly shushed him, which Hajime found odd. He was usually the one comforting his boyfriend, not the other way around. "Why.. why are you doing-" Hajime didn't get to finish his question- AGAIN- because Nagito answered it for him.
"Im doing this because I care for you and I love you Hajime. And I know- I know I haven't been the best boyfriend and Im so so so so sorry I didn't notice that you were hurting sooner.."
"Nagito I..." For some reason, tears welled up in Hajime's eyes. Gosh he was useless- but at the same time, he also hated that he felt this way. For an odd reason, being loved for once felt healing.
"I know I'm not the best person that you should talk to.. Sonia or someone would be better for this, but.. if you're comfortable telling me, what's been happening?"
Nagito held onto Hajime a little bit tighter as he said that.
Hajime sighed as he avoided Nagito's eyes.
"I- gosh.. I. I've been having some-some flashbacks and nightmares from my time as Izuru, more specifically Junko's-.." He took a deep breath before continuing.
" Junko.. she forced me to. Do things. With her. The worst part? I didn't fight back or anything. I just. Let it happen. I didn't enjoy it and I definitely wanted it to stop and for her to let me go, but I didn't do anything. And the pressure from having to be our group's leader and therapist and all rounder since I have every talent and- and EVERYTHING, I guess it's all just started to boil over." Hajime had started to sob as he explained his problems, and he began to open up more as he continued on, talking about his identity crisis and his self harm and insecurities and self esteem issues. Tears streamed down his face as he cried and talked, words coming out as quickly as the tears, like a dam being broken as
Hajime Hinata was finally able to be the one being saved- not the savior.
All throughout that, Nagito clung to him like a rope holding onto him, connecting him to reality and acting as a pillar to keep him stable as he unraveled under Nagito's care. He was shocked by Hajime's explanation. Nagito knew it was bad, but not like this. Anger fueled him when he learned of what Junko did to Hajime- HIS Hajime.
But most of all, he felt glad that Hajime could finally open up to him. Sure they would probably have to talk about this tomorrow or soon, but for now, all Nagito could do was comfort his boyfriend and hold onto him.
Hajime clung to Nagito and buried his face into his lover's chest as he quieted down, Nagito's hands rubbing soothing circles on his back. "Sorry-" Hajime began, before Nagito stopped him. "Don't apologize. Last I checked, I was supposed to be the one doing that." Nagito let out a dry laugh at his own joke, before kissing the top of Hajime's head.
"...Hajime?" Nagito slowly pried his boyfriend off him, before realizing Hajime was asleep. Nagito couldn't help but smile at Hajime's sleeping face, how couldn't he- Hajime's face was just so cute whenever he fell asleep! It was like he was so adorable whenever he had good dreams- which Nagito could tell he was having now by the peaceful look on his face- his face relaxed, his cheeks were slightly re- OK THATS ENOUGH NAGITO.
Nagito adjusted their position so they were both laying down, careful not to move Hajime too much. He pulled the covers up onto the two of them. Nagito slowly fell asleep too, holding onto his boyfriend like he was the only thing that mattered.
I suppose at that moment, the only thing that mattered to both of them was the other.
Reserve course student and a sad Ultimate.
Izuru and Servant.
Yin and Yang.
Two hopeless romantics.
Hajime and Nagito.
♡