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Xena was lying on her bedroll, eyes open as she stared up towards the stars. Her sheathed sword sat just inside her reach, and sunrise was still more than a couple hours away. Around her the quiet activities of wildlife hummed in unison, as they always did. A small sound carried beneath them, one that had flickered and threatened to go out not too long ago, the faint whisper of Gabrielle breathing.
Up above, branches of nearby trees obstructed Xena’s view and cut sharp divisions amongst the constellations. Leaves fluttered in the breeze and added to the undercurrent of sound.
It wasn’t a good view of the stars, actually it was pretty terrible, but it was still better than what Xena saw when she closed her eyes.
She couldn’t escape the image of Gabrielle lying on the altar, shuddering as her heart gave out. Gabrielle cold and unresponsive, unmoving no matter how much Xena begged. Gabrielle frozen in her arms, leaving her behind forever.
Xena’s own heart had raced in terror as she acted out of sheer desperation. Her hope grew bleaker with every passing second, her whole world crashing down before her very eyes. It was a feeling she hadn’t contended with in a long time, not since the death of L’Mila.
It was a fear so strong that even the thought of it now, more than a week later, caused sleep to elude her. A twitch of Xena’s hand was the only external sign of her turmoil, along with a glance towards where Gabrielle slumbered.
The other woman hadn’t moved since she lied down to sleep. She slept on her back, likely to avoid contact between the jagged cuts on her stomach and shoulder, and the ground. Earlier that day when Xena had helped her change the bandages they had still been red, but not in as angry of a hue as before. Aside from the slight movement of her chest as Gabrielle breathed, she wasn’t moving.
Was she breathing? Xena’s breath hitched. She thought she had been, she’d been listening to her, but now she wasn’t sure. It was too dark to see from this angle; it was dangerous but she should’ve left a torch lit. Then she would be able to tell, Xena berated herself silently. What if she wasn’t breathing?
Xena jolted upright, the last ounce of her self control being the only thing that kept her from leaping to her feet and waking every living thing in a kilometer’s radius. She breathed roughly, too loudly, as she watched for confirmation of her worst fear. A chill crept under her skin as she leaned forward.
She could see clearly now the subtle rise and fall of Gabrielle’s chest, a sign that she was alive. She was breathing. Xena let out a heavy breath, emptying her lungs as her shoulders sagged, but she didn’t lie back down. She couldn’t handle stewing in those thoughts, not tonight.
Instead, she crept silently to her feet. Years of practice made it light work to cross their camp without disturbing so much as a blade of grass, let alone Gabrielle. She stopped by her companion’s side and sank to her knees.
That overwhelming fear was born from another emotion; one Xena hadn’t dared entertain the notion of.
She first started to suspect it a while back, when she looked up from her jail cell to see Gabrielle’s face through the small barred window. The fact that she had come back, that she had still tried to free Xena even after she lashed out at her in blind rage, had lifted Xena’s heart. It granted a small bridge of affection, one that stretched between them in that dark and depressing place.
That had been the start.
What began as a brief spark of feelings grew as she watched Gabrielle develop her combat skills in a way that upheld her refusal to kill. The respect she gave for the lives of those around her as she lived up to her own ideals, even towards people who were trying to kill her, resonated deeply with Xena. It only drew her closer.
When Gabrielle looked up at Xena and asked to train together, so that she could better defend herself, Xena accepted without hesitation. It was a win-win; she could spend less time worrying about Gabrielle in combat and get a close look at her technique. She could help make sure that Gabrielle survived the battles that Xena dragged her into.
And, when the moment arose, she helped tend to the blisters forming on Gabrielle’s palms from each repetitive swing of the wooden staff. Xena cupped Gabrielle’s smaller hands in hers, applied a salve to each palm, and gently wrapped bandages around them to protect the injured skin. A desire to kiss those hands, the hard working hands of the woman fighting by her side, to place her lips against the back of each knuckle, rushed over her overwhelmingly like the rays from the sun on a cloudless day.
Xena didn’t act on it or any of the other feelings that had been growing in her as of late, instead shoving them down inside her and stepping away from Gabrielle.
But there was no denying it, which became even more apparent when the pair split up for a while. Being by herself, albeit with Argo for company, had never felt so stifling before. Before Xena met Gabrielle, traveling alone was her preferred method. Now though, she couldn’t stand the silence, the lack of Gabrielle’s presence walking by her side. Her longing was even strong enough to pull her off course towards Gabrielle’s hometown in hopes of reuniting with her.
If Gabrielle had been happy there, settled back into her hometown and wanting to stay there, then Xena was prepared to let her go without a word in protest. She had not expected to run into her back at the same place they split up, fighting the same group of bandits.
That Gabrielle wanted to keep fighting and traveling with her, even when she had a world of other options available, tickled that spark into a flame.
Now as Xena knelt reverently by Gabrielle’s side, it was impossible to keep denying those feelings. She hadn’t wanted to name it before, but she had to accept what was growing within.
Love for Gabrielle, from the depths of her heart, had blossomed like a flower reaching towards the sun. The pain of permanently losing her had been the final straw, the last push that forced her to recognize the weight and strength of her devotion. The mere thought had brought her to tears when Gabrielle made Xena promise to not become a monster if she died. She couldn’t bear even the thought of that happening, let alone the reality that she was confronted with later.
If Gabrielle had died that day, upon that altar, Xena feared what she would’ve done. She would’ve lashed out and shattered her promise, would’ve rampaged far and wide until she collapsed from the effort. She wasn’t the same as Gabrielle, couldn’t uphold her ideals in the worst circumstances. She thanked the gods and Gabrielle for pulling through, that Xena had not broken her word.
The relief she’d felt when Gabrielle opened her eyes, was like nothing she had ever felt before. The desire to cling her to her chest and never let her go, to tell her how lost she felt and how much she loved her, had overcome her. Of course, Xena had let her go instead. She’d needed to go tend to the other wounded, and Gabrielle had needed time to talk to the injured man who had risked his life for her. It was better that way, Xena had told herself.
From this distance Xena was close enough to touch her. She wanted to reach out and run one hand up Gabrielle’s arm, to brush gently over the bandages that covered her healing skin and brush her bangs away from her eyes. Xena yearned to lie down next to her, to pull her close and sleep with the thrum of Gabrielle’s pulse in her ears. She didn’t do either of those things.
She just watched as Gabrielle shifted, vibrant green eyes fluttering open slowly. “Xena?” Her voice was cloudy with sleep. She turned her head slightly to look up at Xena’s face, then pushed herself up onto one elbow. “What’s wrong?”
Xena lifted one open hand towards her, gently placing it on her shoulder. “Nothing, go back to sleep. You need to rest.”
Gabrielle complied with the request, lowering herself back to the bedroll. As she did she kept her eyes on Xena, her gaze glimmering with a mixture of concern and an emotion that Xena couldn’t place.
“What about you?”
“I’ll be fine.”
Gabrielle settled onto her back with a sigh, and then lifted one hand towards Xena in a quiet offering.
“I’m here for you.”
Moving slowly, Xena accepted the gesture. She enclosed Gabrielle’s hand between both of her own, settling it against her lap. She could feel her pulse faintly beneath her skin, strong and steady.
“Thank you.” Xena whispered, low and quiet and nearly inaudible to her own ears.
After quirking her lips up at Xena, just for a heartbeat, Gabrielle closed her eyes once again.
Gabrielle’s hand was calloused after months of fighting, her skin hard in different places than it had been from farm work. Xena knew that some day she would want to go back to that life, to settle down in a town, start a family, and leave Xena behind.
That’s why she was fine like this, at this distance. The love Xena felt for her was enough. She was close enough to touch, but not to fully embrace. As long as Gabrielle was happy and well, then Xena would be happy. That would remain true even if their paths parted, which they almost certainly would.
Until then, Xena would cherish the warmth of Gabrielle in her life. She would treasure existing alongside the radiance of Gabrielle’s star. She’d keep her close and protect her with all her strength.
She would hold her hand as the night turned to early morning, as birds chirped in the distance and warlords fought across the region.
As long as Gabrielle wanted her, Xena would be there for her too.