Chapter Text
Year 845 - Liberio Internment Zone.
Three months before Warriors leave for Paradis Island
“Urghhh, I thought you’d be happy for me Mara, I wasn’t expecting a lecture.” You flopped on to your bed, emotionally exhausted from the earfull you had gotten from your best friend on the way back to your shared apartment.
Your room would hardly be classed as an apartment by most standards. It was a cramped room, one of multiple in a run down building full of families in the Liberio internment zone, that had its bathing, laundry and cooking utilities in a communal space in the basement. Not everyone lived in such poor accommodation in the zone, but you and Mara had very little money coming in to afford anywhere else.
The room barely fit your combined few belongings. You had two rickety beds, which were positioned directly across from one another at the far wall to save space. Next to your bed was a small waist height overflowing wooden bookshelf with shelves sagging from the weight of the over stacked books and journals. It also happened to function as your night stand. There was a second-hand desk close to the door that was missing part of one of its legs, that you had ‘repaired’ by propping it upright with more books. The desk was covered in papers and a few abandoned cups of coffee from your late research session the night before. A trunk each was shoved under your beds for storing extra clothes and there was one tiny circular window that let in very little light, which had a sharp crack running through it that threatened to shatter if the wind blew too hard.
The building often either reeked of cabbages the old women in apartment six would boil daily or the musky smell from the damp in the walls that ruined your books and made the room smell like old paper, but not in the way you liked. Luckily, in your room the scent was mostly drowned out from the bundle of fresh lavender you always kept by the door, and the ones you hung over the desk to dry out.
It wasn't pretty or even comfortable, but it had been your home since you both were removed from the Warrior Candidate Programme.
Today should have been a good day, it had actually in fact been a great one until you decided to share your good news with Mara. She had been your best friend since childhood, growing up you lived a few streets apart and your mothers had been close. Your mother had been a widow since you were a toddler and Mara’s mother probably wished she had been too, given the man her husband turned out to be. The maternal friendship passed down to the both you quickly, as playdates and sleepovers were often arranged so both mothers could work. Despite everything that had occurred in both your lives as Eldian’s in Marley the friendship never fragmented and the bond grew until you considered each other sisters rather than friends.
Mara was the same age as you, twenty, but at times she felt older as she took on the protector role. She looked to her dismay, like her father. Dark hair that she kept in a shaggy wolfcut and faded blue hooded eyes. Her build was tall and broad, Mara was roughly about five foot eleven towering over most men and she was muscular. Mara had been strong before her candidate days but the training bulked her up significantly more than you. She tended to dress in loose clothing and often was mistaken for a male when out, but it never seemed to bother her much. Mara was blunt to the point it could be considered rude or cruel if you didn’t know her, emotionally intelligent and the quality you admired the most, absolutely fearless. It had been a genuine shock to everyone when she had not been declared the Candidate to inherit the Female Titan.
Her frustration on the journey home wasn’t the reaction you expected when you told her what had happened that afternoon. That General Magath had called you to his office outside the zone and had given you an offer of a special mission. Which of course was accepted without a second thought.
How could I have not taken it?
“Magath doesn’t just give us Eldians chances like this.” Mara slammed the door behind her. “Did you even question why he is sending you off with the Warriors?” She sat on the end of her own bed and raked a hand through her hair.
She was not looking away from you, even if at this moment you were attempting to avoid all eye contact. Mara did not shy away from confrontation from anyone, sometimes you thought she enjoyed it and pushed for it. From her body language and tone the entire way home it wasn’t difficult to figure out if she was anxious or pissed off, because she was radiating both.
You pulled yourself up, kicked off your shoes and positioned yourself cross legged on your bed facing towards her. You’d have to face her questions eventually afterall.
Best get it over with.
“I wasn’t privy to much of the details at the moment….” you tried to dodge the fact you actually asked zero questions, which happened to be completely out of your character. But in this situation you didn’t want the offer to slip through your fingers and more importantly, someone didn’t simply question General Magath’s decision making.
Mara turned slowly to look at you again, and seeing the ‘are you fucking kidding me’ look on her face you decided to shift the topic slightly, before she starting hurling more questions you couldn’t answer which would only expose how blindly you had agreed.
“The warriors are young, Marcel is still struggling to lead them cohesively, Reiner is coming into his own still, Bertolt is in an awkward phase and I sure as hell don’t trust Annie not to just abandon the boys when they get on her nerves.” You continued after a moment. “...all I need to do is get them to the walls of Paradis and then back to the ship, they will handle the rest. I don’t stay, I don’t fight any Devils, they just need someone a little older to make sure they get there and back.”
The fact the kids would ‘handle the rest’ should have been more concerning to you, but it was easily rationalized by the knowledge they weren’t simply just kids, they were the best Eldians that Marley had to offer, and they were Titan Shifters.
You had felt pride that you were chosen for this task, it meant you still had a chance to prove your worth. When you hadn’t been chosen to inherit Cart Titan it had been a massive emotional hit. Pieck had beat you when it came down to it in the end. You tried not to harbor jealousy, especially because being jealous of a fifteen year old at twenty was pathetic, but it felt like Pieck got everything you wanted.
Honorary Marleyan status, The Cart Titan, safety, financial security, and proximity to a certain individual.
The worst part is when you ruminated on it for long enough you knew you hadn’t been slighted, that would’ve been easier to swallow. The reality was worse, Pieck out performed you and earned it.
Mara closed her eyes briefly and exhaled once as if she was trying to calm herself before she spoke. “I’m not trying to be rude, but why would they have chosen you of all people? You didn’t make Warrior remember? Neither of us did, and if they need someone older why aren’t they sending Zeke? He is the oldest and their little Wonderboy”
Mara's eyes narrowed instinctively at her own mention of Zeke Yeager, she couldn’t stand Zeke and made no attempt to hide the fact.
Unlike Mara, you never seemed capable of staying angry with Zeke for long. It was irritating really, the guy ignored you for months at a time, offered the emotional availability of a brick wall, and somehow you still found yourself making excuses for him. Maybe because you had grown up together, or that he had once felt like the center of your world…. or maybe as Mara certainly seemed to think, you were simply an idiot.
“Boy wonder.” you corrected quietly, refusing to meet your friend's eyes and focusing on gathering the scattered papers from your bed from this morning's research session.
You weren’t selected to inherit a Titan, Zeke had, then he had practically become a ghost in your life and haunting all of your free thoughts. You made the excuse to yourself that once it was decided he would inherit the Beast, his time was no longer his own, that the young man you had loved slowly disappeared behind duty, status and military expectations.
“Helloooo...” Mara's voice cut through your nostalgia, followed by the sharp snap of her fingers. “Are you even listening to me?”
You nodded, to confirm you had in fact been listening...mostly.
The truth was that your situation with Zeke had always been complicated, and at its core the issue now was you missed him. It was something Mara could never understand, then again, it was hard to forgive the boy who had broken your best friend's heart. Mara actually made it her duty as your best friend to make his life miserable, even if you had never asked for it. She tried by hiding his belongings in lecture rooms, highlighting any misstep when training, pointing out every time he pronounced a word odd, or teased when he stood awkwardly. She’d tripped him several times before you noticed it was happening and scolded her for it.
“It was actually Zeke who recommended me for the mission.” You said, getting up to change quickly into your sleepwear then crawling under the two sets of covers that lay on top of your bed. The walls were not very thick in the apartment, which led to no conversation truly being private and the nights being freezing temperatures.
Mara in response let out a sharp laugh as she shook her head in disbelief. She gathered up more of your papers from her bed while muttering something else unpleasant about Zeke just low enough that you couldn't make it out.
When Mara collected the last of the pages and put them on your desk with enough force to rattle the books and inkwell. She had given up a long time ago arguing with you about keeping the papers on your side of the room. Once you zoned in on something, plans, drawings and equations were scrawled over multiple pages that were scattered on the floor, the beds, pinned to the walls, any surface you could find. You thought best amid your own organized chaos.
“You've got to be kidding me.” Mara quipped.
You understood the reaction and where it came from. Mara had never hidden her feelings about Zeke, they two of them held a rivalry since childhood over nothing in particular. Mara also wasn’t going to lie about the situation to save your feelings, you both had too much history for her to tip toe around you.
“He ignores you for what?... nearly a year now is it? Then suddenly offers you up as a human sacrifice so he can stay tucked up in his cosy bed here in Marley?” Mara’s words had underlying venom, but not for you. “...What a manipulative asshole.”
As Mara changed into her sleepwear, her irritation only seemed to grow, and the Anti-Zeke tirade continued. “...You need to stop daydreaming about the boy you knew years ago. He's not that person anymore.”
The words stung because part of you feared they might be true. You and Zeke had always been friends, but back when you were both just gone eighteen, you and Zeke had shared something, something that at the time felt important. Zeke had insisted you both keep it secret from everyone, even the other Warrior Candidates.
“Absolutely no one can know.“
Of course, Mara eventually found out. There were only so many excuses you could make for sneaking out at night before your best friend became convinced you’d been kidnapped and sold into some Eldian trafficking operation.
Then, without warning, Zeke ended it, with no explanation and no closure. One day he was there, and the next he was gone. After that, the distance between you both only grew, and no matter how hard you tried to mend it, he just simply wasn’t interested anymore, even with the title of just friends. You could read mountains of numbers and deduce how they fitted together, take apart an object, study it, figure out how it all worked and rebuild it, but this was just not something you could understand.
“It's not like that, Mara.” You sank back against your pillow, eyes glued to the ceiling.
You took a beat before talking again. Mara didn’t interrupt you, she waited for whatever excuse you planned to throw out this time.
“They promised to make me an Honorary Marleyan. A red armband and everything…” You let that fact linger in the air before continuing “...they even said I could work for the Tybur family in their personal library when I got back. Can you imagine? The Tybur’s personal library is probably twice the size of the public one, and nothing will be restricted to me there.”
There was excitement in your voice, in some ways you had just been handed your dream on a silver platter, without even needing a Titan to achieve it. You had dreamed about that library most of your life, what it would be like, how many books there were, you wondered how they cataloged it, where they sourced their books, and how they stored their archival pieces. The books were the dream, not the status.
Who really dreamed of becoming a servant in a wealthy Eldian household while countless others struggled to survive in the cramped internment zone?
The status of Honorary Marleyan meant something yes, but mainly because you were told it was. All your life you were told to strive for it. Every Eldian child was desperate for the opportunity, because their parents wanted them to have better than what they had, even if it meant shortening their lives down to thirteen years from inheritance.
Marleyans were cruel, resentful and punished your people for the past that had nothing to do with the people living now. They saw you as less than, and it wasn’t your nature to think like that, your mother raised you better than that. You didn’t want to be like them, even if it was only on paper.
But here you were, still desperate enough to reach for it with both hands because you knew selfishly, if it worked out then you wouldn't be the one suffering anymore. You wouldn’t be the one spat at outside of the zone, and you wouldn’t be the one scraping together money to pay for a cramped room with no bathroom and a draft.
And the books, you had been thinking about them all day. It was the perfect way to distract yourself from all the flaws in this situation you didn’t want to address, because if you examined too closely you might back out.
For the first time since the conversation began, Mara fell silent. Without another word, she climbed into her own bed across the room.
"This is probably the only chance I'm ever going to get," your voice was barely more than a whisper, more directed to yourself than her.
That was the part you felt Mara didn't understand, she didn’t care when she didn’t inherit a Titan, she was completely satisfied with living how they had been. In Marley people like you both weren't offered second chances, most were not offered a first. They were used until they were too feeble to work or too expensive to feed, and even then, there was always the need for bodies to fight Marley’s wars. If Marley was suddenly giving you a chance to change your fate then you knew better than to ask questions.
“I have to go, if I don’t I’ll end up cannonfodder for the war on our doorstep like everyone else…” You regretted those words as soon as they came out of your mouth.
“Jeez, thanks.” Mara’s tone was sarcastic, but obviously hurt. She switched off the oil lamp and the two of you lay in silence in the darkness.
Everyone was aware of rising tension from neighbouring countries, Marley seemed to be constantly at war or on the verge of one. It was more than realistic that when the next conscription came along, all the ex-Warrior candidates would be among the first names on the list. Mara might have the ability to outlast and survive a war, but you didn’t.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Mara.” Your voice broke the silence.
Mara’s response came quietly. “I know.”
“That’s not what your future will be, when I’m an Honorary Marleyan, I’ll look after you. We will have enough money then to get an apartment with two rooms, and I promise I will keep as much of my research out of yours as possible.”
You could hear a faint laugh, barely more than an affectionate huff, from Mara across the room. Both of you had always planned your futures around each other, as if your paths would be woven together forever.
But as soon as the image of that future came into Mara’s mind something else replaced it almost instantly, crushing through the fantasized future and ripping it wide open. You had both sat through the same lectures as Candidates, and knew how Marley released mindless Titans on that island. You might have been avoiding the reality of it, but she knew this wasn’t going to be as simple as a hike to the wall and back.
“So it was Zeke then…” Mara finally asked.
The only thing that you enjoyed chatting about more than that man was your experiments and research, and Mara didn’t have it in her right now to listen to you talk about all that, so she caved and went the Zeke route, even if she did find it pathetic.
You tilted your head back a little and sighed. “Yeah, it was…” your tone shifting immediately instantly causing Mara to make a gagging sound, which you ignored. “he said I would be perfect for it, I know the kids well, they listen to me, and I was almost the Cart, so clearly I have excellent intuition and judgement…”
“He said all that?” Mara cut you off. She was genuinely surprised, Zeke rarely genuinely complimented people nowadays and he had barely looked at you in recent months. The fact he was now praising you behind closed doors, to the military, seemed off.
“Well not to me,” you clarified, you spoke quickly making it obvious you had been dying to rattle off all your thoughts. “I haven’t actually seen him, but that is what Magath said, so in theory it must have been the reason that he suggested me.”
It wasn’t totally unbelievable, those had been some of the reasoning the General gave this afternoon, minus the comment of having ‘excellent intuition and judgement’ - that had been some self validation. Magath wasn’t the kind of man to openly praise Eldians, especially if they didn’t have Honorary status or a Tybur.
“And on the way back to the internment zone I was thinking…” You drifted off your sentence wondering if you should share, but this was Mara, you could tell her anything. “Zeke ended things right after he was chosen for the Beast and it became clear that I wouldn’t inherit. I’ve gone over the scenarios today, and maybe…potentially…. he wants me to have this chance so things could go back to normal between us, like some kind of messed up peace offering.”
Your latest theory - or excuse - for his distance was now that he was an Honorary Marleyan it had been too risky to rekindle anything, that maybe he had realized he had made a snap judgement calling it off, but now the Military stood between you both. Not to mention if he broke any rules his grandparents could suffer.
Okay, maybe it was a far-fetched plan, but you felt as if it made more sense than him waking up and deciding he didn’t want you in his life anymore because you didn’t have a Titan.
"What do you even see in that moron?" Mara grumbled from across the room. You just knew she was rolling her eyes at you.
You groaned dramatically pulling the blanket over your head. "He's tall.”
Not satisfied with the reply Mara sat upright and threw her second pillow at you with little force. "And?"
You peaked back out from your covers, and tossed the pillow back "And I allegedly have terrible taste in men."
That was the key point Mara seemed to point out frequently. Together you laughed until the sounds slowly faded from your throats, both of you were exhausted and emotionally drained, sleep was finally catching up.
Tears pricked Mara's eyes as she stared at the ceiling, she tried to force them away by blinking, Mara was not a crier. But she did love you, you were her sister in all ways that mattered but blood.
You had shared rooms in different buildings in the zone for years, since both of you were teenagers and could make some money paired with a small stipend from being Warrior Candidates. Now, after all you had survived together, it felt like you were being ripped away from her, and she would never forgive Zeke Yaeger for it. You were still too doe eyed for the boy that you didn’t see him how Mara did, which was conniving, manipulative and selfish.
Tears ran silently down her cheeks but she managed to hold in a full cry. When she called your name, her voice shook slightly, exposing her break in composure.
“Yeah?” your tone was sleepy, and a yawn followed almost immediately after.
“Do you think they offered you this task and Honorary Marleyan status because they don’t expect you to make it back?”
The question she wanted to ask from the moment you mentioned it was in the open now.
Mara had to tell you what she was thinking, you had no secrets from one another, and part of her hoped that maybe if she told you, you'd change your mind. If you wanted to run, she’d help you figure it out. Fuck, she’d do anything to not to send you to an island of Titan’s and devils. She’d stand between you and Marley if she had too.
What she had meant between the lines was that this felt like it would be goodbye, she could feel it and her intuition for danger was rarely wrong. Mara could tell by the fact you were silent the thought had crossed your own mind as well, of course it did, you always thought through every possible outcome.
“Don’t worry about me Mara, I’ve got this...” You trailed off. “...I don’t think Zeke would let that happen.”
The problem was to Mara, she knew Zeke well too, she trained with both Zeke and you, and deep down she knew to save himself from going, someone would have to take his place. Someone who would take the chance in a heartbeat needed to be suggested.
You might have thought he wasn’t capable, but Mara knew Zeke would do just that.
Year 845 - Liberio Internment Zone.
The day The Warriors leave for Paradis Island.
You packed the last of your belongings into a worn satchel, the only one you had was from your Candidate days. It was small, but the size was beneficial, forcing you to settle for bringing fewer notebooks, fewer books, and less of your research notes. You had spent the last week going through your mountains of papers, trying to decide what you might need.
Drawings and engineering calculations for an airship or an extra pair of socks? The calculations won.
Anyways, there was no point taking everything, as you didn’t intend to be gone for long.
On the ship, off the ship, to the wall, back to the ship, home.
That was the plan that was laid out for you, everything else was trusted to the Warriors. It had been announced a month ago to the public what the mission was, an attempt to retake the stolen Founding Titan. Four Warriors would travel across the ocean while the Beast and Cart remained behind for security purposes, there had been no mention of you in the announcement.
As a failed Candidate, you didn’t qualify for any more information other than what was provided to the public. The military repeatedly told you that the ‘Warriors would look after the Founding Titan’ - how they would go about it was not shared with you.
You buried the frustration of the lack of trust the military had in you under your excitement. The entire morning all you could think about was getting on the ship.
A ship, an actual ship.
You had borderline begged for the naval architecture plans, but as usual were turned away. That knowledge was not for Eldians. Classified - that was usually the answer you got when you wanted access to anything remotely interesting. It wouldn’t stop you, you planned to take mental measurements and investigate the material it was constructed with once on board, you’d figure it out if you had enough time.
A light tap came from the door behind you, pulling you from the theoretical calculations you were already mentally doing.
“Just a minute…” you called out as you secured the satchel closed ensuring it couldn't be opened easily, more so to keep the kids out of your belongings. They would surely be bored on the ship and probably turn into little kleptomaniacs to pass the time.
Pulling the door open you expected to see Mara, she had headed out to the Market to pick up some sweet bread as a parting gift and to share together before you left for the port. Sweetbread was both your favourite. Your mother used to bake it when you were a kid, then as teens you saved up to buy a small piece between you, and on occasion when money was particularly tight, Mara would distract the merchant and you would shove a loaf in your satchel.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
But when the door creaked open, your stomach dropped. Zeke Yeager stood in the door frame, not the ghost, the young man. He wore the uniform of a Warrior, a beige military jacket, green pants, black knee length boots, a red armband and something you had noticed that was a recent addition, Ksaver’s circular glasses, even though he had perfect vision.
“Zeke… come in.” You shuffled to the side to let him through.
He pushed up his glasses and entered, merely nodding to acknowledge you.
Mara would be pissed - no, enraged - if she knew he was here. Mara told you that she never wanted to see him around their place again, and she would maim him if he came within 10ft of the building.
Mara had never been in love, she couldn’t understand. Zeke was your first love, your first kiss, your first everything, that didn’t just disappear because a relationship did. He felt like one of only people who ever truly saw you. Zeke was there for you after your mother died, he was there when you were struggling through Warrior training, he was there and then he was gone.
“I thought I’d just come by to say congratulations on such a prestigious mission you are about to undertake.” Zeke took off his glasses and cleaned them with the sleeve of his jacket.
Your eyes fell to the red armband, then back to his face. He appeared disinterested, as if he had just been walking past your building and decided to stop by. You however, felt your heartbeat rapidly quickening.
It had been three months since you found out you were going to Paradis, a mission that he suggested you for, and you hadn’t seen him once.
Yes, pathetically you had tried to stage a casual run in to see him again, going to the usual spots, Warrior training grounds, the zone’s market, the place where you used to watch the houses on the hill. Hell, one time you were going to visit his grandparents just in case he was there, but that felt like overkill, and even you could see you were becoming embarrassing.
Zeke was nowhere to be seen for three whole months, even in passing. So you made your regular excuses to yourself on his behalf.
He’s probably just as busy with training and war council as I am going through the statistics of the housing units in the internment zone.
You closed the door behind him, thinking maybe you both could talk more freely that way. You never know who is lingering in the hallways in the zone, people would rat each other out on minor rule breaks for an extra bread ticket.
“I should be thanking you, you recommended me” you beamed “I get to go on a ship.”
Zeke didn’t meet your eyes, instead he looked around at your cramped room as if he had never seen the space before, though he had been here countless times in the past. The majority of space was taken up by books and papers that you meant to tidy up before you left but never got around to because there was always something else to read or review.
You imagined he must have had better living conditions given his new status in the world. But not by much, Warriors were watched like hawks and had very little privacy, Honorary or not, Warriors were still Eldian, and Eldians were not to be trusted.
You watched him and thought he had a sadness about him. Was he sad to see you go? Or just tired? or maybe it was a bad training day? It can be exhausting transforming into a Titan, or at least so you heard. You had so many questions you wanted to ask him about becoming a Titan Shifter, he was sitting on a wealth of knowledge you could get nowhere else.
Zeke finally spoke again, still appearing indifferent. “Well, I'm sure you will lead the Warriors safely to the Walls, best of luck.” Zeke started to move towards the door as soon as he stopped talking.
He came all the way across the city, to the internment zone, to say that? practically nothing.
“Wait….” you grabbed his jacket sleeve by the wrist. “That’s all? you can’t be serious? You've been avoiding me for months. You honestly have nothing more to say?”
His gaze dropped down to his wrist and then finally then to meet your eyes. The moment they locked your body instantly reacted, your stomach twisting. That's when you saw it, a flash of a feeling before his usual stoic demeanour returned.
Guilt. Guilt that maybe he regrets leaving me that day?
Zeke pulled his wrist away gently and gave an exhausted sigh. “There isn't anything else to say.”
You didn’t break eye contact, afraid that he wouldn't look at you again if you did. You were both barely twenty, yet you could see he was losing all his boyishness and becoming a man. His face was changing, it was sharpening, and already aging around the eyes.
“Zeke, you need to explain, I don’t understand…I.. I can’t figure this out.” You searched his eyes and expression for anything more than indifference or tiredness.
There was rarely anything that you couldn’t make sense of, nothing that wouldn’t become clear in your mind if you looked at it on paper for long enough. But not this, no matter how hard you racked your brain, you couldn’t figure out why he left. And if you couldn't make sense of it then you could never figure out a solution.
At first you assumed there was someone else, but when he kept his usual routine you knew there wasn’t. Then you went over all your last conversations to backtrack in case you had said something to offend him, when you found nothing you moved onto your looks and personality dissecting yourself until you started to dislike most things about you.
You didn’t need to clarify what you meant, he knew you were referring to you both and you knew it. Zeke had avoided giving you a real answer then, it didn’t seem like he was going to give you one now either.
Zeke fell quiet like he was thinking it over, so detached from that moment as if he was trying to even remember what the reason was. This was consuming you, invading your mind daily, sometimes hourly, and he evidently never gave it another thought after it happened. Then for a split second when his eyes locked on yours again they changed, softened, as if he might finally let down the wall he built the day he left.
“When you get back things will be different.” Zeke said, as if it was that simple.
“Different how?”
Zeke hesitated before replying. “Just different”
Your breath caught in your throat, an expression of confusion clear on your face. You were about to speak, to fire off a thousand questions at once like always. But, when you went to speak Zeke reached forward and took your hand in his and closed the gap between you both, the gesture clouding your mind instantly.
Zeke
“Can you do something for me?” Zeke asked, lowering to press his forehead against yours.
From the look in your eye when he took your hand and the relaxing of your shoulders when he closed the gap, he knew that you’d still do anything he’d ask of you, and that was why he was here, not to say goodbye, but because he needed something.
He shouldn’t be doing this, Zeke knew that, but if there was a chance you came back, you could be of use.
“Keep one of your journals or write letters, everything you learn while on the island," With his free hand, he brushed a strand of hair from your face. He needed you distracted enough to not ask questions, but still listening enough to remember what he asked. "if anything happens, hide them somewhere on the island, tell the Warriors where, I’ll find them eventually.”
Then you backed away from him just slightly in confusion. He knew you believed you would be on the island for a few weeks, a month or two at most, the ship journey could potentially take longer. There should be nothing worth recording from your end of the mission but landscapes.
Zeke needed your assessment of the island. You were detailed, the information you could bring back to him was worth more than what any of the others would return with.
He could sense you were drifting and need to act before you would speak and question him. So, to keep his hold on you, he let go of your hand and instead brought it lightly to your chin tilting your face upwards to him. Zeke closed the remaining gap after and pressed his lips against yours. He felt your body instantly relax and everything you had been thinking a moment ago was out the window, just as he hoped.
But just as quick as he kissed you, he pulled away. Lighting a match and extinguishing the flame almost instantly.
“I… I have to go. I have training... I cannot be late.” He backed away more flustered than he expected to be, and Zeke was rarely flustered. He moved to the door before you could stop him.
“Best of luck on your expedition” he didn’t look at you again and left before you could speak.
*****
Thankfully for him, you hadn't followed him. Zeke exhaled as he descended the stairs of the building, other residents moving out of his way seeing the red armband and recognizing the ‘Boy Wonder’. He had been in your room for only a handful of minutes but word had obviously spread through the building he was here. Zeke had grown used to the attention since inheriting the Beast, he just hadn’t held it for long enough yet for it to lose its novelty to people.
That was not how the encounter was supposed to go.
He scolded himself in his head. Pieck had been right when she told him not to come and to just let you go off to the Island, he hadn’t confined Pieck about their past, the advice had come unsolicited. Though he wasn’t stupid enough to not know that while he concealed your past he couldn’t conceal how you had looked at him, Pieck’s advice was more likely for your benefit than his. They had told him that to ask you to do more for him while there was cruel.
Zeke wasn't intending to be cruel, he had only intended to ask you to keep the journals and leave, certainly not kiss you. The kiss while brief had been useful in the moment, it redirected your attention from questions and ensured you would remember what he had asked of you. If he was being honest with himself, part of him had wanted to see you, it was his doing that you were being sent off. However, a bigger part of him would value the notes you would make, he needed the information not for Marley - for himself.
The entrance to the building was open, the muggy heat had drifted into the ground floor hallway, making the warmth instantly uncomfortable. When he stepped into the doorway the bright early afternoon sun blinded him. The glare caused him to collide with someone attempting to enter the building, the impact sending him staggering three steps backwards back into the building.
“Watch where you’re…” Mara cut herself off when her eyes locked on him. She stared at him for a moment in disbelief, then her eyes moved to the staircase briefly, before returning to him and narrowing.
Fuck.
This couldn’t have gone any worse for him. The whole plan was to get into the apartment, ask you to take notes and get out before Mara returned. Zeke had been watching the apartment all morning waiting for Mara to leave, the kiss, even if brief was not part of the plan and had thrown off his timing.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Yeager?” Mara glared at him, her grip instantly tightening around the bag in her arms from rising aggression. Mara never tried to hide her disgust for him regardless of who was around, she showed it in front of you, the military, even Zeke’s grandparents, she simply put, did not give a fuck.
No free hands to throw a punch - good, the first positive of the day.
Mara was a true Eldian devil towards him, at least he was safe in public… potentially. If she caught him in the room, even you wouldn’t have been able to stop her from breaking a bone, or multiple. Zeke had known her long enough to know to choose his words carefully, Mara had always actively tried to provoke him, if he responded matching her tone or attitude it only encouraged her, the most effective way Zeke had learned to deal with her was to give her absolutely nothing to grab onto.
“I was just wishing her luck on the mission.” Zeke straightened his posture as he pushed his glasses up his nose bridge, he could tell by how Mara looked at him she was debating if she should drop everything in her arms to grab them and stomp them into the dirt.
“You haven’t spoken to her in months,” Mara stepped closer. “Then suddenly she is leaving to cross the sea on a mission you recommended her for and now you decide you’ve got something to say?”
Zeke could admit to himself that Mara had always been a good friend to you, she was ferociously loyal and as a result she always looked at him with pure hatred, even before you and Zeke parted ways, as if she always knew he would hurt you, even if that hadn’t been his intention.
“I was just wishing her luck Mara, I know you are peculiarly territorial over her, but she is permitted to speak to whoever she wants, and she invited me in.” Zeke did not back up when Mara stepped closer, to do so would indicate that he was intimidated. Not that he wasn’t, Mara had beaten him up multiple times as Candidates when sparring, but he had grown too used to her behaviour to be truly intimidated by it anymore.
Mara looked away momentarily, turning her glare to the small group of people peering over the banisters, she may not have intimidated Zeke so easily anymore but she certainly did the rest of the building. The watchers quickly scarpered away from the upper stairs and the sounds of doors shutting quickly echoed down the staircase.
“You knew,” She snarled, her attention back on Zeke. “You knew exactly where they were sending those kids, and instead of going with them yourself, you gave Magath her name.”
“She accepted the mission, did she not?”
“Because she trusted you.” Mara snapped back.
Zeke moved to step around her to leave, but Mara moved with him blocking his path. “Move Mara, I have places to be.”
“Did you tell her?” Mara was crushing whatever she was carrying now. “Did you tell her that you recommended her because you were too much of a coward to go?”
Zeke attempted to move around her again but Mara didn’t give him the room. He had successfully avoided you for months, which meant he also successfully avoided Mara’s rage for months. Which in retrospect might not have been the smartest idea because the rage had clearly stewed for long enough to morph into wrath.
“This could fucking kill her!” Mara was close to shouting now, but was holding it back, the streets were already busy with people gathering to bid farewell to the Warriors, the zone was crawling with Marleyan police and military.
“Anyone going to that island could die.” Zeke responded coldly, he should have stopped there, but he didn’t. “She isn’t a child, she understood there would be risks. She wanted the opportunity, and nobody forced her to accept.”
That did it.
The paper bag hit the ground and Mara crossed the space between them so quickly that Zeke didn’t have time to brace himself before both of her hands grabbed the front of his jacket. His back struck the banisters with enough force to knock the air from his lungs and to crack the wood behind him.
“Don’t try to put this on her.” Mara’s voice was low and her fists tightened around the fabric of his jacket pulling him slightly forward before shoving him back against the banister. “You knew she would say yes.”
Zeke steadied himself, his hands closed around her wrist in an attempt to move her off him but Mara had rooted herself into the ground, she wasn’t moving unless he hit her.
“You knew what Magath had to offer. The armband, income, a way out of this shithole, the fucking Tybur library.” Her breath was becoming heavier, fighting the urge to crack his skull against the staircase. “You knew she would say yes the moment Magath said you recommended her.”
Zeke remained calm, the last thing he wanted was for the military to be alerted causing a scene and end with him pulled into Magath's office to explain himself. “Let go.”
“Did you know before you offered her up that she might not come back?” Mara asked.
He knew that she wanted him to admit it, to say it out loud and have to face it, and it wasn't as hard for him to do as Mara would have expected.
“I did.” Zeke said casually, as if it meant absolutely nothing.
Mara shoved him so hard against the banisters again he nearly lost his footing. “You fucking bastard!” She snarled.
Zeke winced at the pain and attempted to straighten himself again. “She’ll hear this commotion, if half the building isn’t already talking about it.” Zeke’s fingers tightened around Mara’s wrist. He knew if he wanted her off him without this became a fight, you were the way to go about it. "Let go."
For a moment they remained locked there, Mara was not wanting to move, her shoulders rising and falling rapidly for uneven breaths. Then she released him abruptly and stepped backwards.
Mara crouched while he straightened his uniform, and took the crumpled paperbag back up into her arms. “Get the fuck out of our building.” she moved to the steps and hesitated a brief second before starting to climb them.
Zeke considered correcting her use of the word ‘our’ but thought better of it. He adjusted his glasses, then ran a hand over the back of his head to check he wasn’t bleeding, not that it mattered, his shifter ability would have him healed before he left the zone.
Zeke made for the doorway and made it as far as the threshold.
“Yeager.” Mara called, she had stopped a few steps up, one hand white knuckled around the banister as she looked over her shoulder directly at him.
He turned to face her, not surprised there was more.
“If she doesn’t come back,” Mara hesitated at the idea of it alone. “I don’t care what colour armband you have. I don’t care what Titan you’ve got. I don’t care how fucking important Marley thinks you are…”
Zeke watched her and waited.
“If she doesn’t come back, if she dies on that island because you put her there.” Mara turned slightly more towards him. “I’ll kill you myself.”
****
Reader
By the time Mara had returned your earlier excitement had swiftly morphed into anxiety as the clock counted down closer to the hour you were due to be at the port. The click from the clock seemed louder than it had before, and you’d considered shoving it in your trunk to drown it out. The anxiety had also formed from Zeke’s appearance, the lack of clarity on how things would be different when you returned had your mind already trying to theorize what he could have possibly meant.
You wouldn’t be paraded through the streets of Liberio with the Warriors, your addition to the mission had not been publicised. Honorary Marleyans were the top of the Eldian hierarchy, aside from the Tyburs, and you still wore a white armband, so your contribution was not worth noting. General Magath had given you strict instructions to bring only one satchel of personal belongings, report to the ship early, be boarded ahead of the Warriors, and wait below deck until the ship was out of view of citizens.
“Sorry.” Mara stepped inside and kicked the door shut behind her. “The streets are already jammed.”
Mara had returned enough time after Zeke had left, that you could safely assume she didn’t cross paths with him. She had returned with enough time to share food from the market before you had to leave, but when your eyes landed on the paperbag it looked like it had been crumbled multiple times. Mara herself looked irritated, which wasn’t necessarily unusual.
“You alright?” you asked.
“Fine.” she clipped back.
Mara tossed her satchel onto her own bed with more force than required, then crossed to your side of the room and sat on the far end of your bed. She opened the bag and grimaced at the state of baked goods inside.
“Mara, what happened out there?” You knew her too long to know her fine was far from genuine.
“Nothing, just the vendors are hiking up the prices because of the crowds.” She shrugged before reaching into the bag. “They got a little squashed when I was moving through the market but I got the sweet bread, some for now and a smaller load for you to take on the ship.”
When Mara pulled the sweet bread from the bag you stifled a laugh at how deformed the loaf looked, but the familiar smell of the honey baked in instantly settled a small part of your nerves. Mara tore the larger loaf, examined the pieces briefly before handing you the larger end.
You reached for it with a slight shake in your hands. For the first time since she entered the room she looked at you directly, her shoulder loosened and the tension she held in her jaw eased. “You’re going to be fine.” She told you.
You nodded, glad to hear it again even if she had been telling you repeatedly all week. Sitting across from your best friend now, sharing your last meal before your departure, it dawned on you, this would be the longest you would have ever been apart, and the homesickness for her was already settling in your stomach.
“We spent the last three months training.” Mara reminded you as she leaned forward resting her elbows at the top of her knees and tearing a piece off her half of the bread. “You’re faster than you were, your stamina is better and you always scored high in speed and agility anyways.”
“I scored lower than four ten year olds.” You huffed, tearing off a piece of your bread and bringing it to your mouth. “Besides, I'm still not fast enough to outrun a Titan.”
The morning after you had told her about the mission Mara had woken you up at the crack of dawn telling you that all the months of sitting at your desk had turned you soft. Everyday since she had you running drills with her to build up the stamina you had lost since your run as a Candidate had ended, then there was sparring when she went ridiculously easy on you, but made you repeat sequences until you could do them in your sleep.
Neither of you were sure that she was preparing you for exactly, or how it would even matter when you stepped foot on the island that you had known Marley had released Titans on periodically. The fact you had four Titan shifters traveling with you should have made all of that training unnecessary, but they were still children, not to mention if one of them transformed if you were in trouble you’d probably die in the transformation blast, especially Bertolt's.
For a while you and Mara shared the sweetbread and tried to talk about anything other than the reality of you leaving, but it lingered under everything.
I wish you could just come with me.
Eventually, you confessed to Mara that Zeke had arrived while she was out, that he wished you the best on your journey, asked you to keep journals for him - which caught Mara’s interest without comment - and that he had kissed you and told you things would be different when you came back. You expected her to argue with you, Mara was never done arguing with or about Zeke.
But Mara wasn’t about to let Zeke or conversations about him infiltrate anymore of your remaining time together. She’d deal with him once you had gone.
“And what about Konrad, I thought that was going well?” Mara smirked, tossing the last of her half of the bread in her mouth. Mara had known it hadn’t lasted of course, she just hadn’t talked much about it with you, seeing as you didn’t seem to think it was worth discussing.
It wasn’t as if you had spent the entire year since Zeke ended things sitting by your small cracked window waiting on him or didn’t entertain anyone else. You had hoped he would catch wind of your new forming romance and it would finally provoke some reaction from him. It hadn’t.
Konrad was another Eldian in the zone, he was the same age but never went through the programme to attempt to inherit a Titan, instead he worked in his father's small betting shop.
He had possessed nearly every quality you had been told made a man a desirable partner. Konrad was kind, respectful, made a respectable amount of money to potentially provide, hardworking, pleasant to look at, tall and he was also possibly the most boring man you had ever met.
“I think he was looking for a wife.” You finally answered.
“So?” Mara replied.
“So definitely not me.” You laughed, dusting the crumbs from your lap.
“Could’ve fooled me, he followed you around enough.”
“He talked constantly.”
“You talk constantly.” Mara countered.
“No, I mean like constantly constantly.” You gestured vaguely with one hand towards your desk. “Everytime there was silence he just had to fill it. If I was reading he’d start talking to me. If I was writing he’d ask what I was doing. If I stopped answering when trying to concentrate, he’d ask if I was angry.”
Mara leaned back on her palms and grinned. “Sounds exactly what you should expect from getting into a relationship with a man.”
“I don’t want someone who has to fill every single silence.” You sighed, it wasn’t much to ask for. “I like silence sometimes, I want to sit with someone and not have to entertain them. They can do whatever they are doing and I can do whatever I’m doing.” You obviously wanted to be able to talk to your partner, just not all day, and when you did at least about something remotely interesting.
“So he likes to talk, that’s hardly a deal breaker is it?” Mara said, fighting the urge to point out that while you enjoyed silences while you read and worked, the rest of the time you were going on tangents about whatever your current hyper-fixation research topic was. As a best friend, she wasn’t going to point out your flaws.
“He kept commenting on everything I did, where I kept my pencils, how I sit, why I reread the same books, why I keep multiple notebooks open at once. He’d ask why I did something, I’d explain it and then he’d ask why I couldn’t just do it the normal way.”
There had been no dramatic reason to dislike Konrad. He hadn’t treated you poorly or tried to insult you when he commented on your habits, he just wanted a version of you he had decided you were when he approached you. Someone a little less peculiar in how they worked, chattier and would happily talk about betting offices and horse racing all day.
“I think I want someone who can like, I dunno, leave me alone without actually leaving.” You paused when you noticed Mara had frowned. “That sounded less depressing in my head.”
“No, I think I know what you mean.” Mara nodded softly at you, she knew abandonment had been an issue for you since you were a teenager.
“Right, yeah, someone who doesn’t care if I’m sitting there reading for six hours one day.”
“Eight.” Mara corrected with a grin.
“Besides, if I had to listen to any more about horse races I might have died of disinterest.”
“Hmmm.” Mara crooked a brow then. “Sounds as boring as having to sit there in silence while your girl reads for eight hours straight.”
“I wasn’t his girl, it was casual.” You defended. That had been the case for you, and you had made that clear to Konrad.
You’re only other relationship experience had been with Zeke, and aside from the obviously vague ending he had been completely direct with you. When he decided he wanted more than friends, he told you outright. So you assumed that is how everyone went into relationships, though the look on Konrad’s face when you outwardly told him you wanted to keep it casual made you think maybe everyone else was not so forthcoming with their intentions.
Mara glanced toward the clock and her eyes widened as she got to her feet. “Shit. the time.” She pulled your clothing trunk from under your bed and tossed out a pair of black pants, a light cotton t-shirt and a blue sweater and tossed them on your bed. “Put those on, and your boots, we are running low on time.”
“I was just going to wear this...”You replied.
Mara looked over your outfit at the precise moment you had. You were in a thicker cream weather, and a long ankle length skirt that you had repaired so many times, there were several different shades of grey patched into it, and worn loafer style shoes. It was a miss mash outfit but when you were poor you put together what you could.
“You look like one of those weird religious Ymir Fritz cult followers, rather than someone about to go on a mission across the sea.” Mara said it so casually, as if she hadn’t just insulted you. “Change.”
She moved across to the door and picked up your beaten leather boots and turned one over in her hands, pulling out the pocket knife she always kept in her waist band of her pants she started to score the soles. “These things are so worn you’ll break your neck if there is heavy rain or ice, you’d think the Military would have at least kitted you out like we both know they will for the warriors.”
You changed while Mara finished scoring the boots, when she was finished with them she dropped them in front of you. While you put them on and laced them up she tested the weight of your satchel, holding it by the strap and bobbing it lightly in her arm, before sighing, undoing the buckle and dumping it onto your bed.
“Mara! That took me all morning.” You tied off the laces and stood next to her. Your eyes followed her movements as she tossed your books and airship calculations to the other side of your bed. “Mara, stop!”
“Ditch the books.” She said, turning her posture slightly away from you so you couldn’t reach around her to grab the satchel. “Your back is going to be aching before you reach the port, you need to be able to lug this thing and whatever supply pack they give you across Paradis and back.”
You watched helplessly as she put all the books and notebooks to the side and added in some extra clothes from your trunk, an extra cloth, her pocketknife. ”That’s yours”
“I’ll get another.” Mara added in some extra bandages. “You might need it.”
“You will, you literally fight people for money.”
“Yeah, and I use my fists for that..” She pulled a small brown bag from her back pocket and tucked it between the clothes.
You knew they must be rhubarb candies, another favorite she must have picked up from the market. You reached for them and she slapped your hand away.
“They are for the journey.” She warned. “They’ll help if you get sea sickness.”
“I can only take what I can carry and I want those books and drawings.” You said trying to force the airship designs back into the bag, but Mara snatched them without even looking up at you and let the designs flutter to the floor beside her, they landed on another pile of papers at the foot of your bed.
After a few more minutes of arguing, Mara compromised and allowed you to add two notebooks, four pencils, one book, and a few extra sheets of parchment. You grabbed one of the abandoned books from the far side of the bed and tried to squeeze it in.
“I said we are ditching the books.” Mara pulled the satchel away from you.
“I want to take this one, it's my favourite.” You protested. “It was my mom’s.”
The book in your hands was an old worn copy of Marleyan folklore stories, it had been your mother’s when she was a kid. You couldn’t recall a night when she hadn’t sat at the end of your bed, laid next you, or sat on the floor by you and read from it to you. She had done it right up until you were thirteen, which may have been a little too old but you didn’t care. Then one night, she was no longer there to read it to you anymore.
Mara looked to the volume in your hands and sighed. “It might get ruined on the journey, I’ll look after it until you come back.”
You ran your thumb along the cover, Mara was right, if something had happened to the copy it would devastate you. Moving to your desk you placed it down, if you focused on it for too long, you would focus too much on your mother, and you couldn’t do that today.
After fastening the buckles of the satchel Mara tested the weight one more time before passing it back to you. You tested the weight on your shoulder, it was significantly better.
“Come on,” Mara said, sitting on the edge of your bed. “Let me sort your hair out.”
You touched the back of your hair where you had balled it back with a tie, it hadn’t fallen loose yet. Regardless of that, you set the satchel down and crossed the room to sit between her legs. Mara instantly unraveled your hair and raked her fingers through it. After your mother had died you spent some time with Zeke’s grandparents but then you lived with Mara and her parents, as kids every morning she used to put your hair in small buns, one on either side of your head or some form of a plait.
“You can take them out once you get off the ship, the sea air will matt it if you leave it the usual way.” Mara split your hair down the middle, and started doing two individual braids, in the style she did on her own when she boxed any time you both needed extra money.
Instantly she started word vomiting advice, everything she had said over the last three months, how to move quickly, to make sure you stayed vigilant, stay hydrated, slept enough that would have the energy to run if needs be. Your stomach sank as you listened, you had been mentally avoiding the reality of the situation for months, but now on departure day, avoidance didn’t work.
Mara tugged at your hair tightly. “Are you going to listen to me or are you going to join the other Eldians that have crossed on Marley's ships and never came back?”
Yeah because I need reminding of that fact right now.
You jerked a little underneath her in protest, but Mara remained unphased and continued to weave the braids into your hair.
You knew Mara should be the one taking the mission not you, she might not have been able to observe and record as well as you could for Zeke, but if the Military wanted someone to lead the Warriors who wasn’t already one it should have been Mara. She was crude and harsh, yes, but she was fearless and extremely tactically smart, she should have been a Titan. Mara hadn’t had it easy growing up, her mother was a calm and quiet woman but her father was an abusive alcoholic that drank all their money. Mara knew if she wanted protection, she’d have to provide it for herself, that protection filtered out to include you.
She deserves to be an Honorary Marleyan, not me.
“You're the smartest person I know.” Mara told you while tying off the final braid. “Your brain is your best weapon, you’ll know what to do if you run into a Titan, and if you run into any Paradis Eldians, then out smart them.”
“And what do I do if I y’know… start to disappear.” You asked her, wringing your hands over your knees. Ever since your mother died, when you got into a situation were your anxiety jumped too quickly or triggered by somewhere too high, it was like the room narrowed around you, you couldn’t breathe, and then it was like reality disappeared and you were just mentally absent.
Mara sat with it for a while before placing both hands on your shoulders to reassure you. “You do what we always do, you make sure you get yourself into a safe position so if you fall you won’t get hurt and if you can stop it before it happens you sit down and you breathe in and out. That's all you have to do.”
You nodded and plucked at your finger nails. The thought of it happening on that island was nearly enough to induce the situation to happen. So, as Mara said you took in one deep inhale through your nose, held it, and exhaled slowly through your mouth,
“Exactly.” Mara said, shaking your shoulders lightly. “You’ve got this.”
Liberio Naval Port
The streets had been harder to navigate than you expected, you knew there would be crowds in the internment zone but you didn’t expect so many Marleyans to be flooding the streets to bid farewell to the Warriors. You and Mara moved along the outskirts until you reached the port, slowing and stopping just before the Military clearance point fencing that Mara could not cross.
Mara had carried your pack for you the entire way despite your protest, now that you were here she finally removed it and draped it over your shoulder.
There was so much that either of you could say in that moment, not that it felt like it would be enough. So, being a woman of action rather than words Mara pulled you to her chest into a hug so tight that it pushed the air out of your lungs. You didn’t care about the impact instead your arms wrapped tightly around her back, and she rested her chin on the top of your head.
“Don’t forget everything I told you, okay?” Mara’s voice cracked slightly. “I love you. I’ll be standing right here when you get back.”
You squeezed your eyes shut at her words trying to hold the tears in, but it was no use.
“I love you too.” You choked out. “I’ll write for you, just like I will for Zeke, and when I’m back we can laugh at how dramatic we have been today over a short journey.”
Mara pulled back from the hug but held you in a firm grasp at your elbows, and locked your eyes. “I don’t need you to do anything for me but come back.”
From somewhere beyond the clearance point you heard a voice call your surname, it was General Magath. You glanced briefly in his direction and then back to Mara. Part of you wanted to run, or to tell him you changed your mind. Reality was there was no real offer, once you were called to his office three months ago the role was yours whether you wanted it or not, Marley had found a use for you and there was no escaping it.
You said your final goodbyes to Mara, another quick hug that had you thinking for a moment she wasn’t going to let you go and promised you would see each other soon. Adjusting the satchel strap you passed through the clearance point. Mara stayed where she was, she probably would remain there until the ship disappeared over the horizon.
Magrath greeted you with a reminder of how fortunate you were to have been selected for this mission, repeating several of the same phrases he had used three months prior though none of them seem as complimentary as they had been that first afternoon. You half listened, trying to not let the size of the ship and pull your attention.
Not far from the gangway you saw Pieck and Porco, he had also not inherited a Titan but would remain in the programme due to exceptional scores, they were standing to the side waiting to see their Warrior companions off. You gave a weak wave while smiling at them briefly before your eyes searched the surrounding area, there were Military Officers, soldiers, family members of the Warriors. You looked around expectantly for one particular face.
But Zeke had not shown up.
“The progression is approaching.” Magath said, looking down towards the street before glancing at you sideways “Board the ship.”