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“No.’ James sighed as Regulus pushed his hand away and continued up the stairs. ‘I’m done with his passive aggressive, overprotective, babying bullshit.”
“Babying?’ He whispered to himself as he followed. ‘Reg he just- he needs some time. You know he’s not good with change.” He cringed as the false comfort fell out of his mouth without thought.
Regulus turned to glare at him. “Sirius is the most adaptable person on this floating space rock and you know it.”
“Yeah I know but… fighting is just going to make it worse love.” He pleaded with Regulus to stop even though he knew deep down Regulus had already made his choice.
“And sometimes my brother needs to get his ass kicked.” Regulus huffed and started up the stairs again.
James groaned lightly and ran up after him. Sirius was in the middle of his bed reading and glanced at them when they opened the door.
“Enough of your bullshit Sirius.’ Regulus said sharply and walked over. ‘James and I are dating and you get to fucking deal with it and stop acting like a child.”
Sirius frowned and put his book down. “I’m not mad at you.’ He squinted. ‘Don’t get me wrong I think it’s gross and weird and I will avoid seeing you two act like a couple anytime I can but I think James is good for you and you will be good for him if you choose to be.”
He shared a confused look with Regulus and walked up to Sirius’ bed. “You’ve been in a mood since you found out.”
Sirius picked up his book again and stared at it, upside down James noticed. “That isn’t about you two.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Regulus asked quietly and James kinda fell in love all over again. He had a bit of a petulant frown on his face like the universe was wrong for making his big brother upset.
“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Sirius said tensely, quickly getting agitated.
It sounded bad but James knew Sirius like he knew his own soul. A little needling and a lot of mind boggling and Sirius would break with the truth. He started talking as fast as he could. “You’ve been snappy, you haven’t stolen Moony’s chocolate once, you started to cry when your hair wasn’t perfect, is it us? Is it moony? Is it Pete? Did something happen with snivellus? Are you sad? Are you angry? Did your mum send you a letter? Did my mum send you a letter? Did Dad send you a letter? Is it about Reg being old enough for sex? Do you miss when he was a baby? Are you mad we didn’t tell you? Did you fail a test? Is Minnie mad at you? Is your schedule too busy? Did you and Moony have a-”
“He should’ve told me!” James reminded himself smiling right now would be very very bad.
“Who should’ve told you what?” Reg gave him a tiny glare that demanded an explanation later.
Sirius took a deep breath and closed his book again. “Remus should’ve told me about you two.”
“He saw us one night, we asked him not to, we wanted to tell you ourselves.” Regulus shrugged.
“I figured but he-’ Sirius bit his lip and looked up at them. ‘I know you Reggie. I know when you're happy and when you're sad. I know when you don’t eat because of stress and when you don’t eat because you find control in it. I know when Barty’s pissed you off and when you have nightmares. And I know when you get bad and I should set up an alarm by the lake. I know you keep the baby blanket I made father buy to give to you in the compartment of your trunk that’s so heavily warded Mother would need to kill you to access it. I knew when someone was making you happy. Then I talked to Remus about it and how I wanted to find out who it was, so I could be sure they were doing it for the right reasons.’ Sirius looks down again. ‘And he didn’t say a thing.”
“He couldn’t exactly tell you it was me, I asked him not to Pads.” He frowned and sat on the bed putting his hand on Sirius’ shin.
“But he could've said something.’ James squeezed his shin when Sirius’ sniffled. ‘I know people think I’m stupid and aloof and nosy and lascivious.”
“Sorry.’ He interrupted. ‘Lasci-what?”
“Lascivious.’ Regulus sat down next to Sirius. ‘It’s a nice way of saying he’s a flirt and a whore.”
“Hey.’ Sirius nudged his brother but didn’t say it was wrong and James rolled his eyes. ‘Anyway I know people think that because I make them think that but there were a lot of things he could've said that weren’t ‘Prongs is the one who's dating your brother.’ Remus, he- he said he loved me. He should’ve known to tell me he knew who it was and he knew they had good intentions and that they had their reasons for not telling me and he should’ve known I would have let it drop and been patient. But instead he just lied by omission, how-’ Sirius’ voice cracked. ‘How can he claim to love me when he just proved he doesn’t even know me? You can’t love someone without knowing them.” Sirius wiped his face with his shoulder then hugged Regulus like a Teddy bear and put his head over his heart.
Regulus sighed and wrapped his arms around Sirius then raised an eyebrow at him. He frowned, shrugged, and shook his head. Regulus kissed his brother's head and let himself be a familiar place.
Remus titled his head and huffed. “What did you two do now?”
“We didn’t do anything the first time.” James raised his hands up when he turned around.
“Right.’ He exaggerated. ‘So you’re just cornering me in the library when I’m obligated to restock shelves for…” He trailed off.
“Why didn’t you tell Sirius you knew who it was and that James had good intentions?” Regulus crossed his arms.
“Anyone else but you and I would’ve.’ He shrugged and turned back to the bookshelf not thinking the conversation was super important. ‘He would’ve dropped it and found some patience out of thin air.”
“Moony.’ He stopped shelving at the devastated tone in James’ voice and turned to them with a frown. ‘Why does it being Reg make it any different?”
He scoffed incredulously. “Because I don’t trust Sirius to hold the boundaries and behaviour he normally does when it comes to his baby brother. Do you?”
James bit his lip and his face spelled it all out. Of course he didn’t.
“You should.’ Regulus shifted his crossed arms and it looked more like he was hugging himself. ‘Look I’m still… aggrieved about Sirius leaving and I’m working through it, but leaving was the best, and maybe only thing Sirius ever did for himself. I truly thought he would never leave because I never planned on leaving and Sirius lives for Me.’ He looked like he was grieving something and Remus couldn’t figure out what it was. ‘But he doesn’t anymore. You guys changed that and that’s…’ He could fill in the blank. Bad, unfair, wrong. ‘That’s that but Sirius is, I know he still loves me.’ Regulus said it like he was trying to convince himself and Remus hated Walburga for distorting their image of love into this. ‘But he doesn’t live for me anymore. Any boundary or behaviour Sirius broke for me before, he’s making the conscious choice not to anymore and he has been since that night. Maybe it’s not obvious to you guys or maybe it hasn’t been relevant before but Sirius changed that night, for his betterment, it’s actually the most Slytherin he’s ever acted.” Regulus huffed a laugh.
Remus looked at James and the guilty, pained look on his face said he heard the unspoken words too. To his betterment and my detriment.
“You just- you need to talk to Sirius and tell him what you thought and listen when he tries to explain it’s not like that anymore. He’s not like that.” Regulus sighed and Remus looked between them.
“Why, why are you guys bringing this up? What’s wrong?” The shared look and silent conversation made his stomach drop and heart race.
Remus debated in his head whether a trap or a request would work better right now when his thoughts became useless as Sirius walked into the dorm.
“Hey.” Remus said quietly.
“Hi.” Sirius avoided his eyes and shuffled nervously.
“Come sit.” He patted the bed and moved over to his half.
Sirius slowly did as he said but kept himself tense and every body part firmly on his side.
“Anyone else and I would’ve told you, but I thought it was different because it was your baby brother.’ He caught Sirius’ eye and cupped his cheek. ‘I’ve been told that changed and I missed it.”
Sirius relaxed the slightest bit and grabbed his other hand. “I was too young to remember when Reggie was born and a baby but I remember I was 4 or 5 and Reggie and I were playing knights and dragons in my room and I thought ‘I finally have someone who loves me back.’’ He laughed softly like he was still awed by it. ‘This little, thing, that cries a lot and takes my food and sneaks into my bed because he peed in his and tattle tells and runs into walls all the time because he didn’t walk great. I loved him and he loved me back. Sometimes I thought Andromeda loved me then she left, and I thought ‘oh guess not’. I know, hypocritical of me now but… I didn’t know what it was like to be loved by anyone other than him. Love meant pain, and taking a beating that wasn't mine, and forgiving him when he ratted me out, and above all it meant being together.’
Sirius laughs a little hysterically. ‘And then I came to Hogwarts. And I met this wanker of a kid who threw out I love you’s like they were candy on Halloween. I thought ‘well it’s him, he’s the weird one’. So I kept thinking love was all of those things, but I started to question if he loved me back, because he never did any of those for me. Then I got into a fight with my boyfriend and he told me he wanted me to be safe because he loved me, and I learned maybe those things were love, or acts of love, but that wasn’t and shouldn’t be all love is. I asked my brother if he loved me enough to want me to be safe, to let my pain stop, then I was falling out of a fireplace, and I learned love could be acceptance and grief, even if he’s still angry. I can love other people and I can love myself all at once. I want to love other people and myself all at once, I want love to be so much more than pain.”
“It is so much more than that.’ Remus released a breath and forced himself to relax. ‘And you know what else love is?”
“What?” Sirius looked up at him with tear stains on his cheeks.
“Telling you you’re a fucking idiot for thinking for a split second I don’t know you and love you.”
Sirius laughed wetly and Remus resisted the urge to smugly rub it in that he was aiming for a laugh. “I guess you just didn’t account for your own teachings, Professor Lupin.”
“No. I suppose I didn’t.’ He kissed Sirius softly as he wiped his cheeks. ‘Now come on.’ He stood up. ‘Love is also James and Regulus telling me something was wrong with you and to fix it. I have no doubt they’re waiting impatiently for you to be okay.”
“Reggie talked about this?” Sirius fidgeted a little.
“Well he tried, didn’t always finish his sentences, but you just said he can love you and be angry with you at the same time so…”
“It’s just nice to fully believe it again.’ Sirius ducked his head as he stood and intertwined their fingers. ‘That he loves me back.”
“I think he partially learned love from you so he couldn’t stop loving his brother if he tried and at some point he did try.”
Sirius just hummed.
“Done talking about your feelings today huh?”
Sirius smiled suddenly and jumped on him. “You know me so well.”
Remus hugged him back while fondly rolling his eyes. “Yeah I know, it only took me 5 years of studying.”
Sirius giggled in his ear and Remus swung him around in a circle just to make him laugh more.