Work Text:
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hi
Hi Eddie,
That seems almost too informal to capture the complicated mess of emotions involved in starting this email. How do you say hello to your (former?) best friend of 7 years who fundamentally changed you after almost 5 years of silence? I definitely don't know. So I'll start with hi. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let the silence stretch out. I'm sorry I let the gap between us widen. I'm sorry I let time slip by. It was days before I realized I hadn't replied your texts or answered your calls. And I let it turn into weeks, months, years. I don't want the silence to have lasted longer than our friendship.
Those first weeks were tough for me. I used to hate you for leaving, then hate myself for thinking it. You had to choose Chris. I understand that, hell, I would have chosen Chris. Hell, I guess, in a way, I did choose Chris. I hope he's told you that we still text. I hope you're not mad about that.
When you left for a second time, when Chim's speech couldn't convince you to stay, I think I did hate you for being another person that left. Like Abby, Taylor, Tommy, like Bobby (and I know it's not fair of me to put that on him, but in some ways it feels like he did choose to leave). But I think above all I was mad at myself, that I'd let someone else come into my life and matter so much to me that it could hurt that much when you left. You took half my heart to Texas when I needed it most, and I resented you for it. And I know it's unfair of me, but in that rut of grief and anger I couldn't tell myself otherwise.
So I'm sorry. I don't hate you Eddie. I'm sorry I let it go on for this long. I would love to hear from you again. If texting or calling is too reminiscent of how we used to be, I'm happy to just talk via email for now. I miss you every day like a missing limb, I'm off kilter without you.
If you don't ever want to speak to me again, I'll understand as well. I hope you're doing well either way.
With love,
Buck
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Hi
Buck,
Wow. Hi. I guess that's how I'm deciding to say hello to my best friend of 7 years who shaped me into a better person through sheer force of will after 5 years of silence.
First off, there's no need to apologize. Phones go both ways, and I stopped texting and calling far too quickly as well. I knew you were hurt, and I knew you were grieving, but I couldn't stop myself from twisting the knife either. I was selfish, I guess, turned inward when I was hurting. Bobby's death kind of broke me too, and I thought I would be safer running from the blast radius that was all the 118 and our shared grief. So I used Chris as an excuse and ran all the way to El Paso. I knew it would hurt you, all of you, but I made the choice anyway. And I'm so, so sorry.
It didn't work, by the way. The running - I guess you can't outrun grief. Chris could tell right away that it was the wrong choice. He got mad at me for a while, told me I blew up my life again. He asked me why I kept making these choices that hurt myself and everyone around me. I couldn't believe it, that kid is too smart to have been raised by us, Buck.
There's no easy way to say it, but I was in a really bad place. I had run back to El Paso where my parents hate me, Chris was pissed, you weren't picking up the phone, and everyone else at the 118 was grieving so I thought it was best not to disturb anybody else. I picked a night where Chris was sleeping over at Sophia's place - he was still so upset with me. I thought maybe you'd get the call in LA that you're his legal guardian, and you'd bring him back home to our house on South Bedford, since I was too afraid to go back and see the wreckage I left in my wake. And maybe he'd finally forgive me for what I was about to do.
It was close to midnight and I drove up this mountain 20 minutes away. I needed somewhere where Chris wouldn't have to find me, where someone else would have to identify my body, notify him, and he'd just receive the news like it was another trauma to file away under the piles I'd already subjected him to. I was so close to swerving off the road.
He called me, Buck. Chris called me at midnight, crying. He'd seen my location and made an educated guess, so I guess I have you to thank for the idea of making me download Find My Friends all those years ago. It saved my life. He told me he forgave me, that he only wanted me to be happy, that he'd only ever wanted me to make better choices for myself. I drove over to Sophia's place to pick him up, and we never talked about what I almost did. But he knew. He didn't sleep anywhere else but at home for the next six months.
And because I know you, Evan Buckley, you're going to try to apologize again. So stop. This was not on you, I made my own choices too. Bad, self-destructive choices that alienated my son for months and drove me into a depressive cycle, but my choices nonetheless. I know you were hurting too, and we both hurt each other. I'm sorry, and I know you are too. So if we're gonna do this, let's stop apologizing.
In fact, I'll start over. Hi, my best friend Buck. Long time no see. I've missed you more than you can imagine. I was in a bad place, but I got help. I would love to catch up. (Maybe through email for now, we'll work our way up to a phone call eventually) Are you still with the 118? Is Chim captain now? How are Hen and Ravi? How's Maddie and the kids? (I never even got to see her second kid, what's his name?) How are Athena, May and Harry? How are you?
I hope you write soon. I did, after all, kind of just bare my soul to you, so it would be a bit of a dick move not to write back.
Yours,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: RE: Hi
Hi, my best friend Eddie,
You can't imagine my joy when your reply hit my inbox. Or how much I cried reading its contents. But in consideration of your request, I won't apologize. But you know how I feel.
You think you've missed me more than I can imagine? You can't possibly fathom how much I've missed you. How much everyone's missed you, really. I hate that when you stopped trying to reach me, you also stopped trying to reach everyone else. Another thing I have to not apologize about, I guess.
I'm still with the 118, and it's not the same without you. Chim's captain now, and I've never been prouder of him as a brother. He's so settled into the role now, was so nervous at the start, but he's an amazing leader. With Chim's promotion, we had a paramedic opening for a while, and had a couple of people fill in, but I'm not sure whether they just couldn't mesh with the team, or if Chim and Hen have got some sort of post-Jonah PTSD and could never trust them, but the newbies never stayed. Ravi got certified as a paramedic a while later, and he's now Hen's partner. I'm sad to have lost another partner (though, admittedly, I didn't crash out as hard as I did when you weren't around), but Hen and Ravi work really well together, and Ravi's a really great paramedic. He's dating May, by the way. Well, actually, they're engaged! They started dating less than a year after you left, and they've been together ever since. I'm so happy for them.
Speaking of which, you'll never guess who my new partner on the job is. Harry Grant! Athena wasn't thrilled when he first applied, but I can tell she's so proud of the man Harry's become. He's sort of a little brother to me, and I can't believe this is the same kid who used to play with Denny and Chris. Now, I watch him save lives every day and I have to rub my eyes every time I realize he's a whole adult - a hero. Athena's a detective now, she decided the patrol beat wasn't really for her anymore. I hear her solve rate is unmatched in the LAPD (even before including cases she worked on in an unofficial capacity before as a patrol sergeant). We have dinners every week - me, May, Harry and Athena. I heard May call it family dinner once and I kind of started sobbing?
Maddie's doing great too, she got a promotion as well and now she's running Dispatch. (Wow, I guess she and Chim are really a power couple, huh?) Jee is nine now, and she's amazing. She's so curious, so smiley, so loved. And she's a great older sister to Nash. His name is Robert Nash Han, but we call him Nash. I wish you'd stayed and met him. He's the cutest five-year-old, just a ball of energy. Sometimes, when he smiles his devious little smile, I swear I see Chim in there smiling right at me.
You were so honest in your email, I feel like I owe it to you to share more than pleasantries and life updates of our friends. So I want to be honest as well. It was bad for me too, at the start. I think I was just swinging between anger and sadness for so long. Did you know Bobby signed us up for the firefighter games? Weeks before he passed. You were in El Paso already, but he signed us both up like he believed you would come home. I think a part of me believed it too, which only made it hurt more when you didn't. They sent a gift basket to the house inviting us to attend and I smashed the cute decorative mugs that came with it.
I got hurt on the job a couple of days later. Nothing life threatening, but I hurt my back pretty bad and they prescribed oxycodone. And I developed a dependency. I didn't mean to, it happened so fast, but I was 5 weeks in and doctor shopping and close to stealing meds from the rig when I turned myself in to Chim. The 118 helped me get clean.
During withdrawal, I kept thinking about you. I kept wondering whether it would've happened if you were still here. Everyone missed it for weeks, it was almost scary how easy it was to hide it from them. But I don't think I would've been able to hide from you. I couldn't get this image out of my head of you cornering me in the firehouse, asking me to tell you what's wrong. Or maybe I would never have gotten hurt in the first place, maybe you would've shoved me out of the way when that pillar came down straight on me. Or maybe we wouldn't even have been on shift, we'd have been in Nashville competing in some juvenile firefighter games and being way too competitive for our own good. I closed my eyes through the shivering and puking and pain and just wished for you, Eddie.
And then I got clean and still never called. That was a year after Bobby died, to the day. I wonder what you were doing then, whether you felt how much I wished for you. I don't know about your own timeline, but I kind of always had the image that you were sitting in your house thinking about me too. I don't know why I didn't text or call. I think my anger at you was sort of gone by then. But a whole year just seemed so long and then before I knew it, I'd missed five.
I'm glad we're talking (writing?) again. I know I keep saying it, but I missed you. I still miss you. I read your email over and over and the air next to me feels hollow, like your body was always meant to fill it. I wish you never left.
Tell me more about your life in El Paso. I really hope you're doing well now.
Missing you,
Buck
From: [email protected]
Subject: Miss You Too
Hi Buck,
I hope you don't mind that I changed the name of the email. I hate when long threads stack up RE:s, it kind of gives me anxiety. You can name your email subject whatever you want too.
God, Buck, I want to apologize again, but as promised, I won't. I'm sad you had to go through that, but I'm so happy you stayed with the 118. They'll always have your back where I couldn't.
It's funny that you mention it, Bobby's first death anniversary. That was just before I almost did… you know what. That night, I went out to the lake (I think I've mentioned the lake where I met Shannon, so you know the one) with a six pack of beer, and drank them all so fast I didn't even notice I was getting tipsy. And I stared out at the lake and I regretted everything. Leaving you, both times. That fucking doppelganger that started this mess. And some deep, dark part of me almost regretted ever meeting Shannon. Sure, maybe she'd still be alive with a husband that she actually deserves, but I'd never have met Chris. And Chris alone makes all the pain worth it, I think. He's one of the only things I don't ever regret.
And the other thing is you, Buck. I regret a lot about how I left things, how I abandoned you, but I've never for a second regretted meeting you and letting you into our lives. When I look back on all my 38 years, I think maybe I was only ever truly happy when you were in my life. LA has been the best part of my life, and you were the best part of LA. So that night at the lake, I was thinking about you. I was thinking about regret. I was thinking about how much I'll never regret those 7 years. How much I'll regret the rest of my life because I ran away.
I went back to therapy. God, there was so much therapy. I knew I had to get better for Chris, he could see so plainly how miserable I was, and I never wanted to scare him again.
Speaking of Chris. I wish you could see the young man he's become. I know you guys still text, by the way, he told me two years ago. He was afraid I'd be mad, but how could I be? I'm so happy he still has you, and you still have him. I would never want to break that relationship you worked so hard to build. But anyway, you should see him in person. Smart, confident, poised. He has your curiosity and passion, there's no doubt about it. Thank you for helping me raise the pride and joy of my life. I'm sure you've heard that he's at UT Austin on a full ride scholarship. I hear he's having the time of his life, barely has time to come back to El Paso to see his old man. But I really don't mind. I'm glad he's enjoying himself - he deserves it.
As for me, you already know about the therapy (of which there is still a lot, don't worry). I'm still with El Paso Fire, at the 237, and Captain Morales is a great captain. My partner's pretty great too. Her name's Leanna, and she's brave, funny, just a little bit impulsive. Reminds me of someone, actually. I think you two would get on like a house on fire (probably a bad metaphor to describe two firefighters, but roll with it). The 237 aren't exactly a family the way the 118 is, but we have fun together. Spending time with Leanna's actually one of my favorite things to do nowadays, ignoring the fact that I don't exactly do much beyond work, therapy and moping about my son having too much fun to respond to my texts (this is a joke, Buck, I am not gonna get depressed over not living with Chris again).
I've enjoyed being able to see my sisters a little more as well. I actually told them about your first email. Sophia was, understandably, concerned about me responding, but they both came round and are really excited that we're talking again. I'm excited that we're talking again. I don't know how, but a few words from you and everything is just pouring out of me. I want to tell you everything Buck, I want to catch you up. I want to go back to being Buck and Eddie like we used to be. I don't know how possible that is, and I'm well aware I'm probably the one who fucked it up the first time. But I've missed this. I've missed us. I kinda hope you have too.
Hopefully,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: r u dum
Eddie!!
Have I not said about 5 times in 2 emails that I've missed you? Of course I miss us! How could you even doubt that??? Honestly, I don't know whether we can go back to how we were either, but what I know is that it sure as hell is more likely now than it was at any point in the last 5 years. I had so much anger and grief and I didn't know where to put it and I guess it was pretty easy to resent the guy who left. But I think a lot of that's faded with time. Now it's just a dull ache in my chest that I think is longing. Wishing. Wanting.
I want you as my best friend again. I don't think you ever stopped being my best friend, Eddie. Nobody ever came close to claiming that from you. (Though it sounds like Leanna might be stiff competition for my own title???) I think my relationships have been a bit of a mess without you around to tell me when I'm being stupid. I've had a couple of relationships since, a Tracy, Kevin, Timothy, Kiana, Kasey. Yes, you do NOT have to point out the concerning T and K pattern, Taylor Kelly and Tommy Kinard included, I noticed. As did everyone in the firehouse. To my great detriment. Anyway, none of them lasted more than 4 months. And I really did try with all of them, I really wanted them to be my person. None of them felt right.
Someone made a joke the other day about Buck 1.0. I guess this dating around has felt a little like regression in that sense, but I don't think it is. Buck 1.0 used to sleep around because he felt unlovable, tried to distract himself from that feeling by doing the one thing he felt useful at. But Buck today is really trying to find connection. I want to believe that someone will love me for more than what I can give them.
You made me believe that, Eddie. You loved me so unconditionally, you gave so much of yourself for me that I fear you've ruined me. How are these people I date for 4 months meant to ever compete with your friendship? Is this why none of our relationships worked out in those 7 years? It would be a nicer answer than believing that I'm just unlovable, so I'll take it.
When I thought about you in these last 5 years, I was always afraid that you'd be tottering about in your house in El Paso all alone. You left so many of your friends here in LA, I almost feel like I got an unfair share in a divorce? Like I got to keep Hen, Chim, Ravi, Karen, Maddie, and you had to start over. I never wanted that. I hate that, actually. I imagined you spiraling alone in that broken house in El Paso and my heart broke for you.
I know between the two of us, people have always thought I was the loud, outgoing one. But you were always the social butterfly. You had pick up basketball games, poker nights, PTA events, friends from Dispatch, and you knew the names of all the baristas at our regular coffee places. You draw people in like a magnet. I hope you have that again, Eddie. Don't hide yourself away again like you did when you were struggling at Dispatch. I hope you're still living your life for you.
I mentioned to Hen the other day that I'd started talking to you again. I don't know what the expression on her face was meant to convey, but my read was a combination of surprise, joy and pity? I guess it stirred some complicated thoughts, like maybe us reconnecting isn't just as simply good as it's felt to me. But it really has been. Just good. I'm glad we're reconnecting, and I'll accept it as simply a good thing in my life.
Love,
Your Best Friend Buck
From: [email protected]
Subject: Best Friends
Buck,
I already called you my best friend in the first email I sent, so I know you know that you've never lost that spot in my heart. Leanna's great, but she doesn't come close, so there's no need to break any more ankles (another joke, Buck, stop feeling guilty right now).
I guess there was a time, early on, when I would totter about my house, completely alone. You'll have to excuse me, I was depressed as hell. I barely spoke to anybody outside of work, struggled to crawl out of bed to be there for Chris, and just lay on my couch all day looping through all my mistakes till Chris would shake me from my stupor because he needed something. All that was missing was a baseball bat destroying my room walls, but I did spend a lot of time fixing up the house, so maybe that subconsciously stopped me from acting out.
An ugly part of me felt like everybody else had given up on me too. Like you and I had a break up, and all our friends had chosen you. The way I dropped Tommy like a hot sack of rocks when you told me he dumped you, the choice literally so easy. Some part of me twisted with betrayal that the choice had been so easy for them too. But that was on me as well, because they had tried. I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to anybody when they started texting, so I shouldn't have been surprised when their support dried up too.
I'm glad you got help from all of them, I really am. I could have used some of that as well, I guess, but it was my own fault for shutting doors and running so far away I couldn't be reached.
Hen texted me the other day, I suppose because you told her about the emails. There were a lot of apologies exchanged - I think I'm gonna need to institute this no apology rule across the board. But we're good too. I know she also had a lot of grief to work through, and she did almost die. I don't think I blame or resent anybody anymore. There were probably years where I did, but it just seems dumb now. Now, I just miss my friends.
I haven't been completely honest about my social life. There's work, therapy, hanging out with the 237, sure. But there's also sex. A lot of very casual sex. Like I've-heard-about-Buck-1.0-and-I-think-I'm-potentially-winning amounts of sex. It's not the most healthy coping mechanism, probably, but I don't think I'm doing it for the reasons that you did either. It's just fun, a way to let off steam, call it self-exploration after 35 years of immense repression. I'm really not looking for any sort of relationship, I don't think I'm ready for that at all. But sex I can do, and I feel like I've kind of missed out on years where I could've just been having fun.
I don't know, maybe I've just kind of turned the whole image of Eddie Diaz in your head upside down. But it's been 5 years, we're both different people. As much as I'm picturing the same big beefy best friend with the brown curls smiling at me, I guess there must be changes in your life I don't know about. I want to know them. I want to know everything about you. Don't make this weird, but there was a time where I would dream about our minds melding into one, just so I'd always know what you're thinking, how to read you. People used to say you wear your heart on your sleeve, but I think you wear a smile on your face and hide all your other more vulnerable feelings behind it. I used to be able to read that. I want to still be able to.
That said, here's a picture of me and the 237, taken just last week. Leanna's the one with her arm draped over my shoulder (despite being a whole head shorter). I hope all this doesn't, y'know, destroy the image you have of me in your head or anything. I'm just me, still. Kinda fucked up about everything but I'm getting there. And I hope that's still worthy of being your best friend.
[Attachment: 237_bbq.jpg]
Yours,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: Photos!!
Hi Eddie,
I loved the photo you sent! You look so happy in it. I really hope you are! Leanna looks awesome as well, I'm glad you have a good friend by your side even in El Paso. Don't worry, I won't be breaking any ankles. I don't know what you were worried about with the photo, because you look just like the Eddie I picture when I close my eyes. You look confident, settled, like the rock I rely on.
I've attached some photos of my own. We had Nash's fifth birthday party the other day, and lots of people you'd know were in attendance. I told them we were talking again, and that I'd be sending you some photos, and they all very graciously posed for them. They also all send their love. Nobody's forgotten you these last 5 years, I hope you know you're still loved by a bunch of codependent first responders here in LA. Even Josh very begrudgingly admitted LA isn't the same without you around.
I guess I can't say I wasn't shocked to hear about your new… extra-curricular activities. But hey, pot, kettle. I'm not exactly the picture of healthy coping mechanisms, so I'm not going to say anything about it. But I hope you know you don't need to use sex as a way to find love or intimacy. There's lots of people both in LA, and in El Paso, and one specific teenager in Austin who all love you. It took me years to learn that for myself.
I guess it's kind of funny, that Hen and Chim used to say that the two of us were terrorizing the women of LA by being notoriously bad at dating. I guess you only really tormented 3 women in LA. How many women have you subjected to Eddie 1.0 in El Paso? Should we put out a warning? (I'm taking a page from your book and making a joke, Eddie. Your company is not torment.)
Is it weird to say that nothing about this has really shaken my image of you? Sure, maybe I need a little bit of recalibration, but you were the one who called yourself a "nester", so if anything, you're contradicting your own self image with this new Eddie 1.0 era. But you're still the Eddie I knew. You're kind, empathetic, heroic, annoyingly self-deprecating, funny. Nothing about what you like to do in your free time really changes that.
Talking about you to people at Nash's birthday party felt so familiar. Like you're still here, a part of my life. Like it's still 2025 and I'll text you throughout the day to tell you something stupid someone on the street did, or some cool article I stumbled upon on Reddit. Oh! speaking of which, have you seen this? http://bbc.co.uk/news/scientists_discover_new_shark_specie…. They found a new shark species the other day!
And I guess one more thing that I haven't told you is that I picked up a new hobby! I signed up for dance classes. Ballroom dancing classes, specifically. I haven't told a lot of people, I don't know why, it's not exactly embarrassing I think. But well, you've seen how I dance, so maybe it is a little embarrassing. I told myself it was just to prepare for Ravi and May's upcoming wedding, so I don't make a fool of myself like I probably would have on the dance floor of Maddie and Chim's wedding (thank you, encephalitis, for saving me from that disaster?). But I've really been enjoying it. I don't know why but I keep imagining you there and I feel like you'd be so naturally good. I'm horrible at it, by the way, two left feet and barely any rhythm, but it's fun. It's fun to sweat it out and spin around and dance with different partners till your feet ache and feel like you're making something beautiful with your body. Maybe by the time May and Ravi finally decide to have their wedding, I'll be ready to tear up the dance floor :)
I like this, exchanging stories about our lives and sharing photos. I hope you do too. I can't wait to hear more about what you've been up to!
[Attachment: 15 Images]
Yours on the dance floor,
Buck
From: [email protected]
Subject: Kinda Awkward, but…
Hey Buck,
God, I didn't think I'd ever have this conversation over email. I really thought Chris would've told you, but I guess I should've known our kid is way too emotionally mature to go around outing anybody without their consent, even if it is his stupid repressed dad. I think I would've preferred that, though, because now I have to tell you something and hope it doesn't upend your view of me (again).
I'm gay. I've tormented exactly 0 women in El Paso, because I've been having casual sex with men. (Though I guess maybe that warning might still be in order) It's something that I came to terms to in the midst of a ton of therapy, and one of the reasons, I think, I couldn't make good choices. I was severely repressed and lying to myself! Internalized homophobia really did a number on me (and Shannon, Ana, Marisol…) I guess part of this whole sleeping around phase is just me trying to play catch up to over 35 years of hiding myself away. I didn't know sex was meant to feel this good, honestly, and it's fun. Eddie 1.0 could have been insane if he'd unrepressed 10 years earlier.
It's not a secret, either, by the way, which is really why I thought you knew (feel free to share this with anybody at the 118, it's really not meant to be a secret). I guess I never really came out to anyone other than my family. Chris first, obviously, then my parents and sisters. Tia Pepa knows too. Things have been a little frosty with my parents since, but I don't think it's just because of this. I know they don't exactly approve of a lot of my choices in life, they think I dragged Chris down with my own struggles (and hey, maybe I did), and I suppose this is just another way in which I didn't live up to their idea of a perfect son. But I think I'm fine with that. I can do polite dinners and twice-a-year texts wishing them Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, and they no longer have to get to me.
Everybody else has been really supportive, and it's been really nice. I know Pepa's started plotting with my sisters to try to set me up with some nice boy here in El Paso, but I don't really think I'm ready for a longer term relationship for now. As for the team at the 237, I guess since they didn't know me before, all I had to do was mention a date with a guy once, and that was that. I never really had to come out to them, and they've never been anything but kind about it, beyond some playful ribbing about how many different guys I see in a month.
I think I wonder a lot about how my life in LA would have been if I'd known then. For one, the whole thing with Kim never would have happened, and Chris and I never would have had an excuse to run from LA. Maybe I'd be married already, maybe we'd go out and pick up guys together (I imagine the gay bar scene in LA is miles better than the crap we have here in El Paso, wasted opportunity if you ask me), maybe… Well, I wonder a lot about it. But I think we'd still have been us. Buck and Eddie. I did see the article about the shark a couple of weeks ago, by the way, and I almost texted it to you on instinct. I think my body still remembers how to be your best friend even when I consciously tried to put you out of my mind.
And I guess there's one more thing I need to tell you about me. A secret buried much deeper than my latent homosexuality. Your last email was just full of surprises for me in that respect. Don't laugh.
I was a competitive ballroom dancer as a kid. I was really good. National Junior Champion in 2004. Not sure why I never told you guys, it just never came up. But hearing you talk about it. That was everything I loved about it. The freedom to just exist in my body and move to music and connect with other people. I loved dancing, but I hated the pressure my parents put on me to perform. So I quit and did baseball instead (that, you know about, I'm sure). I guess that's another thing to add to my list of regrets, huh? Letting my parents ruin another thing really good in my life.
Keeping to the overall theme of the email, I guess I'll share this picture from Austin Pride last year. I happened to be visiting Chris over that weekend and he insisted we go. I had a really good time. I remember you telling me about LA Pride the first year you were out, how it felt like community, like belonging. You were right.
I might live to regret this (but what's another regret at this point, right?), but I'm also attaching a YouTube video Chris found a while back of the National Junior Ballroom Championship in 2004. There's this cute kid dancing his ass off on stage 3 who'll go on to win the whole thing, and I thought you might get a kick out of it.
[Attachment: pride_2029.jpg]
[Attachment: national_ballroom_2004.mp4]
Hiding my face in embarrassment,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: I'M SO PROUD OF YOU
EDDIE
I HOPE YOU GET THE MESSAGE FROM MY SUBJECT LINE BUT… I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with me. I know it must have been hard, and scary… to come out as a child ballroom dancing champion.
Jokes aside, I'm so happy for you that you discovered this part of yourself. I guess that also puts your whole Eddie 1.0 era into perspective a little. You deserve to have some fun, find yourself away from the pressure of familial expectations and the church. That picture of you at Pride, the way you look so joyful and free, the way Chris is looking at you with so much pride, it took my breath away. I wish I'd been there to see it. I wish we'd gotten to go to LA Pride together. I wish I could have shared that with you.
I heard you've also been texting Chim and Ravi. They're excited to hear from you too, I heard them talking about it in the firehouse the other day. They really missed you too. Hen kind of freaked out the other day when you told her you were going out on a date with someone you met on grindr (not exactly my choice of app, but I guess if Buck 1.0 had known he was bisexual it might've been haha), but I'm glad you told her too. I know she's really proud of you as well.
Another thing I've been wanting to say is, you're not slick, Eddie. I see what you're doing whenever you talk about Chris. You've been calling him our kid, saying that he takes after me, that we both raised him. First, of course I think of that kid as my own. I love him like he's my own. I'm so proud of who he's become. But what I'm not a fan of is how you keep downplaying your role in making Chris the amazing person he is today. And I can see it because I used to do it all the time. So stop it. You are an amazing father. You've never failed him a day in your life. I've seen firsthand how parents can lose themselves in grief and destroy their kids in the process, but you've never done that. You put Chris first in everything you do. Even at your lowest, you only thought about not scaring Chris, making sure he's cared for. The reason why he's smart, empathetic, sweet, and kind is because you modeled those things for him. You did that! He loves you and for good reason!
Now, on to the ballroom of it all. EDDIE. YOU WERE SO GOOD. I've been learning for months and I see this video of a thirteen year old absolutely blowing anything I've ever done out of the water. Can you still move like that? Why have you never danced like that in front of any of us? What other insane skills have you been hiding???
Going to class this week made me miss you more than anything has in these last 5 years. I keep thinking, what if my dance partner was Eddie Diaz instead, your hand in mine, your hand slotting onto my waist like a space has been carved there for you (some days, I swear it has), you leading me, spinning me, moving in time with me. I don't think I was exaggerating when I said I miss you like a missing limb. I think maybe, the reason I'm so shit at this whole dance thing is because I'm trying to dance without a whole part of my body. I can't find my balance because I'm missing something so fundamental to me.
You talked about your body remembering how to be my best friend, but I don't think my body remembers how to exist without you. I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, expecting you to be standing there with your crooked smile (you know, the one just wide enough that I can see your sharp right molar), laughing at something I said or did. I keep walking into my house (yes, the same one I sublet from you) and expect to see you lounging on the couch, leaning against the wall, pacing across the room. I keep pulling two beers from the fridge every time, before realizing I'm alone. I keep reaching for you in the fire house, at 118 barbecues, in the bar, because my body knows that's where you're meant to be.
So how about a suggestion? The next time your body instinctively wants to text something to your best friend because it doesn't remember a time where it couldn't, you let it? I gotta admit, I'm getting a little jealous that Hen, Chim and Ravi are all getting texts from my best friend, but I just get long, soul-baring emails. In fact, I'm looking to invite them to pick up basketball to do a little maiming. (JOKE, THAT'S A JOKE) I hope you consider it, Eddie. I want to be texting you again. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, so I'm just setting down this open invitation and there's 0 pressure for you to take it up.
I totally forgot about finding a photo to share, so here's a selfie from us in the firehouse on today's q-word shift!
[Attachment: 118_selfie.jpg]
Totally not waiting in front of my phone,
Buck
Sunday, 26 May 2030, 6:37PM
Eddie:
They're making a documentary about meteorites and their impact on civilizations throughout history!!
Thought you might be interested 😉
http://documentarywatch.net/news/new_documentary_on_meteorites…
Buck:
omg that looks awesome!
also… an emoji???
WHO ARE YOU???
Eddie:
I'm gay, ✨unrepressed✨Eddie! 🌈
There's a lot about my new texting habits you don't know. 👀
Buck:
well
i guess i should get to work finding out then
From: [email protected]
Subject: Emails
Hey Buck,
I know we're texting again, (and there's nothing that makes me happier than seeing my phone light up with a new text from you) but I hope we can still do this whole email thing. It's kind of nice, like having a pen pal, and something about the format makes me verbalize things I'd never say in text form somehow.
Something about your last email made my heart twist. I think it was a part of me realizing that it's not just me. I'm not the only one who feels like a part of me lives somewhere across the country. Some mornings when I wake up, I don't feel quite like myself, like I'm just half a heart in a body making breakfast on auto-pilot. Like I lost a part of myself all those years ago somewhere in New Mexico or Arizona, when I was driving away from you. I wonder if you feel it too?
I wish I'd told you about my ballroom dancing. Now that you've said it, I can't quite shake the image of us dancing together. Maybe we would have, at Maddie and Chim's wedding. I know you'd brought Tommy as a date, and I brought my Abuela instead of Marisol (Which, in hindsight, was crazy right? Gay and oblivious about it, damn.), but I like to imagine we'd have had a moment to ourselves that night to dance. And maybe I would have told you about my hidden talent, taken the lead, and spun you under those fairy lights shaped like butterflies that you'd spent weeks scouring every Walmart in the county to find.
I've stopped the casual sex, by the way. Maybe it really was an unhealthy coping mechanism. Once I started talking to you, talking to the rest of the 118, I just never really felt like getting out there and meeting random men who I'll never see again. Leanna thinks it's a cry for help, she looked at me all suspicious in the firehouse today when I told her my last date was two weeks ago. God, have I been that much of a slut? Two weeks without sex and suddenly I must be close to a mental breakdown? (I'm not, don't worry) It's sweet that she's worried about me. I've told her a lot about you guys, and I think she worries about what would happen to me if I started talking to you all again, only for this to fizzle out and stop again. I think she can tell that half my soul never left LA.
We had this call the other day (don't worry, nothing particularly exciting happens in El Paso. We can't all be going into space like the 118), it was a multi-vehicle collision, and there was only one fatality. I pulled her from the car, and she was still alive. She was bordering incoherent, but she kept begging us to call a Mark, to tell him she was sorry. We tried to save her, but she had already lost so much blood, her head wound was so deep. She died with his name on her mouth and she'd told us she was too late.
And I think I'm a horrible person, because when I saw that, all I felt was relief. I was so fucking relieved that that's not going to be us. That we didn't let this wound between us fester, till I'm on my deathbed with your name on my lips wishing that I'd said it sooner. I'm only 38, and I intend to live a long long life, and I definitely don't intend to do that without my best friend.
I haven't said it yet, but thank you for that first email. You know how I am, I suck at asking for what I need (I really, really am trying to get better at that), so there was no way I would have reached out to you on my own. Thank you for still wanting to be my friend, after all the shit I put you through. Thank you for still being there, for trying to reach me through my thick fucking stubborn skull. You saved my life so many times, and I think you still save it every day now.
I thought I'd return the favor with a selfie of the 237 here too. It's also a q-word shift today (No, I still don't believe in the jinx, but if I typed the word out I'm pretty sure Leanna would actually have my head). I'm thinking of you even as I wipe down the engine, wishing I could make this job a 2-man job like we always did.
[Attachment: 237_selfie.jpg]
With relief,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: funny story
Hi Eddie,
You mentioned that first email I wrote to you. And I realized I never told you why I wrote it in the first place. It's gonna sound so stupid after how much you waxed poetic about it last email, but bear with me, okay?
I had just broken up with Kasey (you remember her from the list of exes I told you about a while ago). We'd been going out 3 months, and she was nice, but I didn't really see a future with her. She didn't either, and we'd both decided to go our separate ways. I was in the dairy aisle of the supermarket near her place, picking up ice cream and preparing to head home to lick my wounds, lament about how I'll never find my person, when I ran into Tommy.
I don't think I told you this before, but I ran into Tommy after our breakup, the first time you left for El Paso. I was out drinking with Ravi and talking his ear off about how much I missed you, and he practically threw Tommy at me to get me to shut up. (Forgive Ravi, I was kind of insufferable about you) We hooked up, and the next morning we actually had a conversation about getting back together again. He said he was willing to try again now that the competition was out of the way. He was talking about you. I got pissed, defensive, kicked him out of the house. And then I never saw him again until a couple of weeks ago in that grocery store.
He seemed happy, told me he was seeing someone else, and it was serious. I'm glad for him, I really am. I don't think it was ever gonna work out between us, especially not after he revealed he had been threatened our whole relationship by my best friend. But he got to asking about my own love life, and I stupidly told him I was fresh off a breakup. And then he asked about you. And I told him we hadn't spoken in 5 years. He looked at me like I was stupid.
I got home and I ate a whole pint of ice cream. And not once did I even think about Kasey. I thought about you, and I kind of thought that maybe Tommy had been right 5 years ago. Nobody has ever been right because nobody has compared to you. And I don't want to make this weird or anything, because I'm not implying it has to be romantic in nature or anything, but you and I have always been kind of weird about each other. Best Friend has kind of not been an adequate way to describe what we were to each other for years now. The way I miss you makes me feel more hollow than any ex has ever made me feel. I didn't know how to explain it, or how to rationalize it, but I knew I just wanted to stop feeling that way. So I sent an email to you, 3 bowls of ice cream and 4 episodes of Love Island into the night. And here we are.
Also, before I forget, I need to tell you about dance classes. I mentioned to my dance teacher that my best friend was a former national junior champion, and she asked for your name. Surprise! She knows you! Jasmine Chavez, you were in the same dance classes back in El Paso! What are the odds? I've attached a picture of us together in case you can't quite believe this story. She told me a lot about you as a kid in El Paso. She said you were quiet, focused, responsible, you were raising your sisters when your dad was out of town and your mom had to work. You carried so much weight on your shoulders, and I don't think you ever really stopped. But when you danced, she said it was like you could lay that weight down for just a while. You were so light, so unrestrained, so full of joy.
It made me want to invent time travel (maybe Karen will help?), so that I could go back to see that little Eddie, tell him to stay that way, tell your parents to back off, and witness your uninhibited joy. I think, more than anything, it made me want to dance with you. I want a front row seat to you, free of expectations and worries and burdens, free to express yourself. If you asked me a few months ago, I'd say I missed my chance to ever do that. But I'm hoping it's not too late, that we still have the chance to dance together. I swear I've been practicing really hard, though Jasmine thinks I probably have years to go before I'm anywhere as good as you were.
[Attachment: buck_and_jas.jpg]
Yours in Dance,
Buck
From: [email protected]
Subject: bucK
heyyy
I'm otu with Soph and Adri tonihgtt and drannk a bit. Hopefuly this is steill coherent.
I wnat to dance witth yuo so much BUck. I dream abuott it. Every nite sinc yuo toldd me bout the classses. I',m in a culb n i dacned with so manyy guys bbut nun of theem comparre. To yuo. I thnik I luoved you frum the strat. I dun kno why i ran. I'm stuppid mayhybe.
sorrry.
Monday, 10 June 2030, 10:23AM
Eddie:
Oh my god. Sorry about the drunk email last night.
Please disregard it. 😳
But I do think we should probably talk about something.
Monday, 10 June 2030, 1:43PM
Eddie:
Buck?
You there?
Monday, 10 June 2030, 5:38PM
Eddie:
You're kind of freaking me out, Buck.
I'm gonna text Hen.
From: [email protected]
Subject: what the fuck
Buck
I cannot believe you got STABBED. I don't know, maybe I should thank the stabber for giving me a chance to organize my thoughts into an actual coherent email before you read my embarrassing one from last night (just kidding, I hope justice on the stabber is swift and painful).
So I went to a club with my sisters last night, and I had a little too much to drink. Can you blame me? You wrote me the most beautiful, heart wrenching email. You told me you want to dance with me, like you've been privy to every single one of my dreams since we started talking. In my dreams, we're always dancing. Every genre, every tempo, we make magic.
But the truth is, I've tried to dance again since I've been in El Paso. I go out, find guys to dance to, even signed up for an adult class once like you. But I've never felt the same joy I felt when I danced as a kid. I've only ever felt it in dreams. With you. I think you're right, Buck, that we both lost a part of us when I left. How can I dance without half of me? How can I make magic without you?
I think I was drinking because I was scared. When you said you don't think it's too late, did you mean it? I'm so scared we've missed our chance. I'm so scared I'll never feel that joy again because I'll never have the chance to dance with you.
I feel so stupid, I sent one email and waited for a response for a couple hours and when nothing came I believed I'd lost you again. I didn't know it was possible to feel so empty, but I did. And now you're laid up in the hospital and I don't even know if you're going to be ok but I'll hope. I'll pray. I'll bargain with the universe for you to be. You owe me a dance, Buckley.
I meant it, by the way, when I said I think I've loved you from the start. How could I not? You burst into my life and became everything good about it. You loved me even when I didn't deserve it, when I blew it up over and over. You clung on to me when I pushed you away. Tsunamis, cage fights, lawsuits, snipers, lightning, not even 5 years of silence could keep you from holding on to me. There's a voice in my head that tells me that I shouldn't want you, that you're too good for me, that I'll drag you down.
But you know I'm trying to get better at asking for what I need. I need you to be okay. And I need you to ask me to dance.
Love,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: got stabbed lol
Hi Eddie,
My bad, I definitely shouldn't have chased after that shady looking guy fleeing the scene alone. Don't worry, I've had back to back lectures from Athena, Maddie, Chimney and Hen. You know, as I was lying in that alleyway bleeding out of the stab wound in my gut, the first person I thought of was you. I could hear you telling me how stupid and reckless I had been, how worried you were, how I had to be okay.
That voice used to be Bobby. Every time I did something stupid on the job, I'd hear his voice so clearly echoing through my skull, yelling at me. That was back when I thought I hated you, when I was still trying so hard not to think about you at all. I don't know when the voice changed to yours. Your calm, even tone, telling me "You think you're expendable, but you're wrong." How long has that been the voice I stayed safe for? How long have I been in love?
I don't think I could tell you. Maybe it was from that first shift when I was trying to be a dumb, territorial kid, till you removed a grenade from a guy's leg without breaking a sweat. Maybe it was when you put your hand on my shoulder, stared straight into my eyes, and told me that you trusted me with your son. Maybe it was when you were bleeding out in a fire engine, and stopped to make sure I wasn't hurt. Maybe it was years later, when I realized there was nowhere I felt safer than next to you. The truth is, I think I loved you from the start too.
How else can I explain the way your absence claws at me. It's eaten at me for 5 years, and I think I'm done letting it take any more of my life. I want to finally dance, Eddie. I want to let my limbs hang loose and sway to the beat and look up into your brown eyes and know that I'm free.
The nurses are staring at me weird because I'm crying while typing this email out on my phone, but your name was the first thing on my mind when I woke, and this email can't wait any longer. Everything in my body aches, my stab wound is throbbing, no opioids for me and no NSAIDs on account of my allergy, so I know it's going to be excruciating. But it's nothing compared to the pain of being apart from you these last 5 years.
I'll tough it out. I'll wait for my body to stitch itself together, till I'm back on my two feet. Because I owe you a dance.
See you on the dance floor,
Buck
Wednesday, 12 June 2030, 11:06AM
Eddie:
Hey mijo
Chris:
sup dad
Eddie:
I've got something pretty big I wanted to talk to you about
You know I've started talking to my friends in LA again recently?
Chris:
yeah
Buck told me
Eddie:
I was thinking…
I really do miss everyone back in LA
Chris:
dad
if you're gonna tell me you wanna move back to LA
i'm gonna say you should've done it years ago
like the moment i left for college
maybe before that
you HATE el paso
Eddie:
What I do not HATE El Paso???
Well I DIDN'T hate it.
I could never hate anywhere you are.
Chris:
well i'm not there anymore
problem solved
Eddie:
I mean…
LA is a lot further from Austin
You barely come visit me as it is
I don't want this to be another thing between us mijo
Chris:
dad
if you move back to LA i promise i'll visit WAY more
i miss people in LA too
i had friends there too
i'm lwky just not a fan of el paso
Eddie:
You mean it? 🥺
Chris:
woah the you using emojis thing still freaks me out
but yes i'm serious
besides, my prof was telling me the other day
about a pretty cool phd opportunity at UCLA
i might consider it in a couple years yknow
Eddie:
Love you, mijo ❤️
I'm proud of you every day.
Chris:
i love you too dad
i just want you to be happy
Eddie:
Yeah. I think I want that too.
😊
From: [email protected]
Subject: Redeeming a Dance Owed
Hi Buck,
I'm trying to figure out how I can redeem this dance that's owed to me by this guy. He's big, beefy, insanely hot. I've kind of been pathetically in love with him for about 12 years, give or take. And well, I hear he's a terrible dancer, he's definitely gonna be stepping on my toes, but I think I love him so much I'd rather have sore toes than spend a single second not holding him in my arms.
See, the problem is, I live 3 states away from him. I could, of course, book a plane ticket. Fly over for a weekend, spend 2 blissful days dancing with him and holding him and basking in the light of him. But then I'd have to say goodbye again, get on a plane and fly back to my empty house that feels a hundred times colder without him in it. And I really don't think I'd survive saying goodbye a third time.
Or I could give my 3 week notice to the 237. I could sell my house. I could pack everything I own into another U-Haul and hook it to my truck and drive all the way back to LA. I could say goodbye to my sisters, my friends at the 237, promise to keep in contact, and actually keep that promise this time.
I could send an email to that hot dance partner of mine (seriously, it's been 5 years since I last saw him in person and somehow he looks even better in every photo he sends me), asking if he's still got room in his rental at 4995 South Bedford Street, and whether he'd like a roommate. I'd take the couch (I'm sure he has one!), or maybe we could share the bed (that has been a personal fantasy of mine for a while now). And the one dance could simply stretch on forever, so I'd never have to say goodbye.
So Buck, I could really use some advice. What do I do? Fair warning, though, I kinda just closed on the house sale 15 minutes ago and I'm loading up the U-Haul as we speak, so I don't know how much sway your advice is gonna have.
Your Soon-to-be-homeless Best Friend,
Eddie
From: [email protected]
Subject: THE SECOND OPTION
EDDIE
GO WITH THE SECOND OPTION.
Okay. Haha. I am so calm right now. I can't believe this is happening. I'm so serious, Eddie. When I sent that first email, I think I was just looking for closure. A way to move forward from you. I thought maybe we'd stay cordial, exchange some pleasantries, you'd tell me that you've married some lovely new girl and you're happy without me.
I know now that moving on would never have been an option for me. You think you can't dance without me? Well I don't think I can live without you. I think I've spent the last 5 years surviving well enough, but I want to start living again.
I did kind of just call Chim in a panic and beg for him to give you a job. You didn't hear it from me, but Anderson is retiring next month, and the 118 will be on the lookout for someone to join A-Shift. Maybe somebody with lots of experience, comes with some pre-established camaraderie with the team? You got any candidates in mind?
I've been cleared to go back to work next week, but until then, I think I'm gonna be spending every waking moment perfecting my Foxtrot. I hear there's this champion ballroom dancer coming to town, and he's looking for a dance partner. Between you and me, I really hope he picks me. Embarrassing to admit, but I'm head over heels for him. I love him with all I have. He's everything I look for in a partner. He taught me how to love and be loved. And I think if, no, when we dance together, it'll be magic.
Buzzing with excitement,
Buck
Monday, 24 June 2030, 8:03AM
Buck:
I'm SO EXCITED when are you getting in???
Eddie:
Close to the California border now, so just a couple more hours! 😊
I'm so excited too ❤️
Buck:
and you're so sure about this move, right?
you're leaving the 237, your fancy new partner
because I don't think I can take it if you come back and leave again
Eddie:
I've never been more sure of anything in my life
El Paso is just a job opportunity. Everything that matters is in LA. 😏
Let's make some ✨magic✨