Work Text:
Paul Matthews is a plain guy. He’s boring, normal, complacent (if you will). The cream of CCRP technical’s crop! Unlike his coworker Ted.
Ted Spankoffski is an asshole.
Paul hates all of his coworkers, but he hates Ted Spankoffski most. He was never quite sure what upset him most about Ted. It could be that he was loud or crass…or maybe that he’d always forget to zip his fly after using the company restroom. Not that Paul was looking. It was little acts of carelessness that made Paul angriest, he had not a care in the world for messy people.
Or so he thought.
It was January sixteenth. Ted’s first day back.
Mr. Davidson was kind to give everyone a “Christmas Break.” It was fourty-eight hours long. Ted took the sentiment a bit too seriously. He’d used his benefits to book an all expenses paid trip to Cancun. Typical Ted.
”Morning Bill, Mornin’ Char, Hello…Paul.” Ted crooned as he walked past everyone’s cubicles. Paul noticed he was sporting a tan. Ted looked…sun-kissed. He looked pretty. Not an inch of burn or peel in sight; however that didn’t stop Paul from some friendly coworkerly banter.
“Seems like you need to invest in better sun protection Ted, can’t have you getting skin cancer on us!” Paul thought he was hilarious. “Thanks Paul, but I already heard that…from my mother.” Ted replied in his usual passive aggressive manner.
That’s right. Ted still lived with his mom. Paul thought about his basement (where he’s likely kept). It’s probably a pretty awesome bachelor pad. Ted seems like the kind of guy to invest in The Who’s Tommy pinball machine (and a few playboys). He wondered if he’d ever brought anyone back there. Everyone knew Charlotte was fucking Ted (and no he didn’t mean that “Ted was fucking Charlotte”, Charlotte is fucking Ted; they peg). They also knew that Charlotte hosted. Every night before her husband Sam comes home, Ted is whispering sweet nothings to Charlotte as they take turns topping. Paul wondered what Ted’s Mother would think. He couldn’t imagine living like that, he lived alone.
“Thanks for leaving us stranded Moana.” Bill chirped. “I bet the Leto deck was real swell.” Charlotte added. They promptly got up and out of their cubicles, waked over to each other and high fived (which was arguably funnier than their jokes). “Hardee Har Har.” Ted relented.
Ted looked pissed. He probably missed Cancun and whatever girl he ate out on their border. Paul wondered what Ted could possibly be mad over…until he started kicking his printer.
”Shit.” Ted breathed. He looked up defeated as he yelled over his cubicle “Paul. My printer broke. Stupid piece of shit is literally smoking! Can I plug in over there and print my reports out?”
Please plug in over here “Sure, Ted.” Paul replied collectedly. Ted waltzed over to Paul’s cubicle and ducked inside. It was a small space, not really designed for two. He could smell Ted’s body spray (not cologne. Body spray.) he thought it was cheap. Ted smelled like pine and cedar. It was musky. It was nice. Ted’s arm moved to the back of Paul’s office chair. “Incoming.” Ted joked as his arm approached Paul’s shoulders. Ted’s arm was warm, it was kinda nice. Paul would never admit it out loud, but he liked Ted’s arm resting on his back. It was strangely comforting. Ted was comforting.
”Paul.” “Hello?” “Earth to Paul Matthews?”
Paul snapped back to reality. “Here, sorry.” He blushed realizing he’d gotten lost thinking about Ted. “I need you to open the computer and run the files.” Paul didn’t move. He was still taken aback by the preceding events. “Fuck! Come on you wet rag! Jesus Christ move Paul! Dipshit Davidson is going to have my ass if these papers are not on his desk in ten.” Ted barked. “Moving, sorry!” Paul was rapidly clicking the mouse; typing at the speed of light, desperately trying to open his desktop. Why was he helping Ted? Ted did this to himself! The asshole decided to move his ass too Timbuktu, Mexico instead of slumming it out with the rest of us! Ted was-
Ted was leaning onto Paul. Breathing over his shoulder. Paul shivered. Ted’s breath was hot. Ted- Ted was. Hot. Paul was slightly aroused. Why? Paul wasn’t gay! Was he? I mean he’d never questioned it before, but with Ted looming over him now it was easy to visualize. Maybe all Paul needed was a catalyst. A devil on his shoulder. Like Ted. Paul was flooded with swirling images of himself, and of Ted. They were writhing, kissing, moaning, screaming, panting, pressing-
Paul was pressing print.
—————
Ever since Ted printed in Paul’s cubicle, Paul couldn’t keep his mind from drifting.
Ted walked in like he usually did, calling names as he walked past everyone. “Salutations deadbeat, Hey Babe, Greetings simpleton.” As Ted walked past Paul’s cubicle Paul smacked Ted’s ass. Paul was dumbfounded by his actions. Ted stopped in his tracks. “Jesus Paul. Babe was directed towards Charlotte.” Ted remarked.
Paul stayed silent after that and let Ted sit. Bill and Charlotte were giggling. Ted’s wasn’t really offended. He actually looked at Paul with surprise before sculpting his expression to be suitable for chirping Paul. Paul was also (surprisingly not offended). Babe. Ted called Charlotte “Babe”. He calls his hookups ”Babe”. Thus began the most confusing month of his coworker’s lives.
{and now in true montage fashion}
NOTABLE MOMENTS IN PAUL AND TED’s SEXUAL ASSIMILATION
- Paul began to print in Ted’s cubicle. He claimed his printer was broken, however Bill and Charlotte knew it wasn’t. Paul is a terrible liar. So one day (after Paul left), they wirelessly connected to his HP InkJet and printed an image of Charlotte’s cat. Much to their chagrin, It printed.
- One day Ted was raving about how someone stole his lunch. Paul asked him what he’d prepared. “Bologna and provolone sandwich.” Ted remarked. Every day for the next week, Bill found this exact sandwich in the fridge with a sticky that read “For Ted, from Babe”.
- Paul began complimenting Ted. Paul stopped Ted one morning to compline his special edition Bob Ross tie. Charlotte and Bill were dumbstruck. Paul hated Ted AND Ted’s stupid assorted ties.
- Charlotte and Bill were even more confused when Paul stopped fighting with Ted. Ted was relentless. He was honesty kind of a bully. Paul took every single insult thrown in his direction. Ted was so confident that he’d started calling Paul a homosexual in as many ways as possible. Ted would walk in with a new nickname every day. Roop, Friend of Dorothy, Bottom, Fairy, Princess, the list went on and on.
- Paul had a red stapler that he protected with his life. It was his baby. Nobody touched Paul’s stapler. Until Ted, and Ted jammed it.
This was Charlotte and Bill’s final straw. They had to talk to Paul.
“Hey Paul.” Bill cheered one morning. He and Charlotte had walked out to Paul’s parking spot and waited for him. “Paul hon, can we talk to you?” Charlotte prodded. Paul was concerned. What was going on?
Paul opened the doors to his 2008 Honda Accord.
”So.” Charlotte broke the air. “Are you alright? What happened with Ted?” Paul went blank. “I’m okay. I’m alrrrrriiiiight. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Who’s Ted? I don’t know a Ted.” Bill and Charlotte shared a concerned look. “Paul baby, you know exactly who we’re talking about.” Charlotte softly reprimanded. “We wanted to ask why you’ve been so nice to him lately.” Bill supplies. “It’s not normal, I mean…Buddy, you hate Ted.”
Paul looked out the window. He wanted to evaporate. He wanted to begone. He wished aliens would come and take over the world in this current moment. He felt chastised. This was making him more uncomfortable than watching Godspell.
“We just wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you.” Charlotte remarked.
”Hurt me?”
Paul was very confused.
”Well, it’s just you’ve been doing all these things for him; and you’ve been not just tolerating him, but actually…getting along. It’s been scaring us. We were so worried that maybe he’d crossed a line. He’d broken you somehow.” Charlotte was very skiddish. She was rushing all of her words. “It’s just Ted can be very crass, and you, you’re just so…submissive. We thought you’d let him get away with something he shouldn’t have.” “Well everyone’s let him to that.” Bill interrupted. “Look guys” Paul said, grabbing their attention. “I appreciate the……..intervention, but I’m really just fine.” “Ted’s not really the problem.” Paul admitted. “I am.” He succeeded.
“What do you mean Paul? There’s nothing wrong with you.” Bill answered.
Paul put his face in his hands. He ran his fingers through his receding hairline and sighed deeply.
”Charlotte. Bill.” “I’m Gay. I think.”
Charlotte and Bill stopped dead in their tracks.
”I realized I have a thing for Ted.” Paul winced as the words left his mouth.
”WOW. Ok.” Charlotte breathed. “That was not what we expected. At all” “I mean, we knew he’d been calling you gay for fun, but I didn’t think it was true.” She said. “Are you mad?” Paul practically cried. “What? Paul. No, of course not.” Bill replied. “Alice is a lesbian, remember?” Paul paused. “Right” he said. “Charlotte, you don’t mind?” He asked. Charlotte giggled. “Paul don’t be silly! Ted’s just a hookup. I’m married.” She shows off her wedding band. “Remember?”
A sweep of relief fell over Paul. For the last five minutes, He’d felt like his world was imploding. Charlotte and Bill just made him the happiest man alive. He wasn’t broken.
”Paul.”
Charlotte’s voice broke the air.
”You do know Ted goes both ways, right?”
What?
”Instead of bending over backwards for him, just ask to hookup.”
Paul knew what he was going to do today.
——————
“Crab fest, Ugly Sweater, Miss Vida. How’s lunch?” Ted remarked, walking into the cafeteria.
Charlotte and Bill looked at Paul with puppy eyes. They nodded and shooed him on.
Paul took a deep breath.
“Ted. Can we talk?” Ted sat eagerly in front of Paul awaiting elaboration. “In private?” Paul urged.
——————
“Okay I know you’re in the closet, but did we really have to talk IN the supply closet?” Ted said, slightly annoyed.
”Yes.” Paul answered no nonsense.
There was an uncomfortable silence. Paul looked Ted up and down. He registered how close they were, and how small the space really was.
”So?” Ted said, bopping his head forward and raising his eyebrows; as if that’d convince Paul to speak.
God, Paul loved how stupid he was.
“TedIwanttohookupCharlottetoldmeyoufuckguysandItookitasanopeningbecauseyou’rekindofmygayawakening
(don’tgetcockyaboutthat)andIthinkyou’rereallyhotandIjustwantyouinmeplease,itsokayifyousaynoI-“
Paul was promptly shut up by a wet kiss from Ted.
”What?” Paul was incredibly flustered.
”I was waiting for you to wake the fuck up and ask.” Ted remarked. “How’d you know?” Paul asked. “I knew when you stopped fighting me in the mornings, and just started staring at me lovestruck.” “Shut up! I did not!” “Did too!’ Ted kissed Paul again, This time Paul reciprocated. As soon as Paul let him in, He wanted to be full of him. He wanted Ted in every inch of his body. He wanted to be infected by Ted. Paul wanted to be taken.
Ted and Paul tossed around the supply closet sloppily making out. Ted pulled off of Paul’s mouth to lead his own further down Paul’s body. He sucked Paul’s neck and unbuttoned Paul’s work suit slowly. Paul let out a little moan and instantly bit his own lip in retaliation. He was at work! They’d hear!
“Ted!” “Ted stop. We’re in a supply closet at work, remember? Charlotte and Bill are around the corner. They’ll hear!” Paul whisper-yelled. Ted pressed Paul’s fresh hickey. It was warm and pooling with blood still. The slight pain aroused Paul. “So what?” Ted challenged. Paul’s eyes widened. Was Ted really suggesting that they fornicate in a closet at CCRP Technical? Ted laughed. Paul liked the way his Adam’s apple bobbed. “Paul. Do you trust me?” Ted asked sincerely, looking into Paul’s eyes. “I- I do.” Paul whimpered. Ted resumed kissing Paul, slowly unbuttoning his clothes; moving lower and lower. There was a saliva snail trail from Paul’s chin all the way down to his happy trails.
”Ted.” Paul moaned softly as ted dropped Paul’s trousers. “I know, Babe.” Ted said, placing his hand around Paul’s hardening cock. Paul reached down to stroke his own hard nipples as Ted began to move. Ted dragged his fist from the base of Paul’s penis to the tip, hardening his grip as he moved up. Ted began to stroke Paul rhythmically.
Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.
Heat was pooling into Paul’s lower abdomen. Paul was panting. He was getting impatient, chasing his orgasm; he began to thrust into Ted’s hands. “Nuh uh uh.” Ted shook his head. “B- But.” Paul cried. Ted decided to take things a step further. He released Paul’s penis. Paul had closed his eyes, he had no idea what was going on; until. Lick. Ted had put his mouth on Paul’s member. He was teasing Paul by only licking his angry inflamed slit.
Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Suddenly his member was inside Ted’s mouth. Ted was relentless. Paul had no idea if it was possible to get a hickey your penis; but he was sure Ted would find a way to. Paul sometimes felt Ted gag while taking his length. Paul enjoyed the coarseness of the back of Ted’s tongue meeting his slit every time Ted took him too deep. Paul was moaning loudly. Unashamed and unconcerned at this point.
“T-ted! Ted please! F-fuck!” He groaned “UGh! Fuck me.”
”If you say so.”
Ted gave Paul’s throbbing dick a parting lick before putting his hands around Paul’s waist and hoisting Paul to the ground as well. Paul now laid on his back in the supply closet. The ground was cold concrete. Unforgiving, stark contrast to the writhing throbbing heat of Paul and Ted’s bodies. Ted hoisted Paul’s leg’s above his head using his forearms. He began to lick Paul’s rim, warming it up; prepping it for entry.
Ted put a single finger inside of Paul’s Throbbing hole. Paul sucked air through his teeth. He already felt impossibly full, and Ted’s dick hadn’t even brushed against his opening yet. Ted’s finger began to thrust inside his hole. Faster, sloppier, and harder until-
Paul moaned loud and messy. Ted had found his prostate. Every time Ted’s finger pushed against his gland Paul’s body was set on fire. It felt like all of his nerves were exploding simultaneously, bringing him closer to the edge. “I need more.” Paul rasped. “Need you.”
Ted wasted no time getting undressed. Like a Neanderthal, Ted spit into his hand and rubbed his saliva along his own pulsating member; lubing himself up for Paul. Paul had closed his eyes again (not knowing was part of the fun). He had felt Ted’s head brush against his opening one moment, the next; Ted was pushing into Paul. Paul was grunting and moaning, almost yelling. It hurt. The pressure was sweet and unbearable. Paul was so full of Ted; he had no idea how they’d continue. Ted began thrusting into Paul.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
Paul cried with every thrust. Each stroke was positioned perfectly, gracing his prostate. Paul was making sounds he had no idea he was capable of making. He was almost humming with pleasure. Moaning, singing Ted’s praises.
”Fuck, Ted.” he rasped “I’m so close!”
Ted was sweating. His face was incredibly flush. He was panting as well. “Not much longer.” Ted managed to strain. Ted fucked Paul silly. Picking up speed until Paul came. Ted too began to slow and pulse inside Paul. Filling him with his seed. Groaning.
Bill and Charlotte had definitely heard them. Paul was sure.
———————
“Morning Reba, Babe, Babe.” Ted winked at Paul as he walked to his cubicle.
Paul couldn’t help but smile.