Chapter Text
Dazai or me, has been buried in rubble after a fight with the mafia. There was no reason for me to get out yet. So I just lay here, thinking.
Thinking of what you might ask? Suicide methods of course! And maybe of how to get someone to commit suicide with me.
Then I noticed the oddly long amount of silence. Did they leave already? Oh well, they must’ve thought I was off trying to kill myself.
Then I heard a thud, it was abnormally loud. Not a small or medium sized object. So it must have a large mass like a body. So it’s likely a person.
And from how loud that was compared to other bodies falling. It must be enhanced by an ability. And from the repetitive thumps afterwards it must be Chuuya.
I’d say please let him finish the job but I know he won’t. Because if Chuuya was the type to do that kind of thing, he would have done it years ago.
But we aren't the same people we were back then. So maybe—just maybe—He'll finally kill me.
"Hey shitface, ya there?" Chuuya calls out, but it's clear he doesn't have a clue on where I could be.
"Use your nose you stinky dog." I manage to croak out with debris still pressing down on me.
"Mackerel?" There was something utterly wrong in his tone. He shouldn't be so worried. He should be annoyed—irritated.
It would be too painful to continue speaking especially with the rubble pressing harder on my stomach and chest from moving.
This would be difficult to handle on his own but asking for help sounds unbelievable. Like something that shouldn't be done.
Like weakness.
And I couldn't be a liability—I got the Demon Prodigy title for a reason. But there was no strength left in me in the current moment—my feeble body unyielding to my efforts.
There was the loud clatter of concrete being thrown closer and closer to me. That would be a painful death, a death I didn't want.
I'd rather die by being stabbed—as if that would actually kill me—then by a blunt hit in the head. That would be super painful. Not my thing.
Then the throwing stops. It stops about a meter next to me. Then the concrete on top of me is moved away.
Revealing that slug's face—and a single drop of sweat falling from his brow.
"You scared me Dazai!" Were there tears in his eyes? No that can't be. "You could've died under all this rubble!"
"Isn't that the point?"
"No!—No, you idiot! I can't have you dying on me!" He continued, and I really wished he didn't. And I really wished I didn't know what he was about to say.
"Because I love you."
At that moment I freeze.
I would say I love you back.
But I can’t find it in myself to lie at the moment. And for your sake, I wish I wouldn’t be lying. But I’m not ready to love anyone.
And I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you like I did with everything else I’ve loved.
I just can’t.
Because If I did, I really would die. I would finally finish the job and leave this miserable world.
"I—I can't." I could feel my voice crack. "I just can't."
Subconsciously I curled into myself. Trying to hide away from the horrible words confessed to me. And maybe from my own cowardice.
I couldn't even force myself to look myself into his eyes. How could I? How could I after what I said?
"Okay." Then Chuuya left.
Then I came to my own senses. What have I done? How could I just let emotions overcome me in this moment.
I should just finish the job already.
Finally leave this hollow world before I lose another thing—person I love. Death is the only decent option.
I should've chose death sooner—I'm surprised I lived so long after Odasaku's death. Even when his wish was for me to live.
Well I did. Now there's nothing else to do.
I find the pier I had thrown myself off of so many times before. And just fall.
And now, I can only think of Chuuya—and the words I want to tell him but I know will never leave my mouth.
"Longing for me—for someone who doesn’t love you back. Is not something I would ever wish upon you.
Because I will never accept something so nice.
I can't lose you too.
I'm so sorry."